salutations..

The 14th of March 2006 shall hold a dear awakening in my life. It made me recognise the importance of family & opened my eyes to the real world of friendship. Many people walk in & out of our lives but only a handful of those people are worth to be called friends. I shall not 'divulge' too much about something we all already know of, as it does tend to lead to redundancy.

Being on the receiving end of the consequence of the fateful fall, it shook me only a few days after experiencing the life on a hospital bed. My mind was still obscure about what that had struck me but one day, I woke up & realise that I was actually there, lying on that dreaded bed & my future temporarily on hold. It was like as if time had stopped for me. With no school, no job & worst of all no mobility, I could see myself as a burden to those around me, those close to me; my family.

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Independence. A very big lesson I learnt that made me look at this word from another perspective & just an advice, accidents can happen anytime & anywhere. The independence that I know of is not sufficient to carry me out into the world as I have discovered. What I have with me now is more of a habitual characteristic, which has been instilled in me & known to me as "on my own". I have yet to discover more, of which will be a very important essential in this life.

Although self knows me as being very tolerant to physical pain, nothing has burnt me more than the emotional pain that the accident has brought me. It is not the swollen & bruised feet with fractured heels & a broken spine that breaks me but the cut in my heart, knowing that my family cries in silence because of me. This is where the real big 'I' word comes in. For the first few days, I could not do anything without the help of the people around me. The nurses, my family & the friends who came to visit were always the victims of my cries for help, be it the simplest act of pouring me a glass of water to a slightly difficult task of getting me cleaned up & dressed every morning.

In a way, the accident has also opened my eyes to issues concerning my past, present & future.

The past has contributed greatly to what I have become today. Those days of "pure innocence", carefully guarded under the watchful eyes of fearful parents & the "white lies" that were given as excuses to stay out a bit later after school were, for some reason, the catalyst push that lead to the me today, however it is to be interpreted as. The transition from childhood to my heydays was not as enjoyable (although interesting) as I hoped it would be.

Nothing came easy for me & being the stubborn person that I was & still am, it did not make things any easier when I started assuming that everything was done against my will & consent. I wanted things to go my way & that was when the rebelling kicked in. I took things for granted, went against them & took matters into my own hands, without realising that I was hurting the people who cared for me. It felt like a tight slap on the face when one day I received news that I had been expelled from school. I felt the whole world crashing down on me at that very moment but still that did not change my views on my life. I remained rebellious & nonchalant about the people around me & how they felt.

I was very much on my own since the expelling incident, be it finding a job to feel secure to making the choice of progressing my studies, but the "young adult's independence" that I very much believed in was just another growing up phase that every teenager goes through & nothing much came out of it. Yes, I was on my own financially but that was about all. The only fun & joy I got out of it was just being able to spend the money that I had earned without having to answer to anyone but what I realised later on was that I presently still have to rely on my parents for the roof over my head & the food on the table. Now with my additional immobility, I learn with much difficulty how to move around the house with minimal help. That is another knowledge that I can add into my "Independence Book".

From there too I discovered that my past actions were just a way of escaping to be free instead of standing on my two feet to get through life. This negatively sub-conscious attitude has gotten me into quite a lot of trouble & I think it is about time I look at myself in the mirror & make the necessary changes to help me go through life as simple & as beneficial as possible.

I have yet to finish my studies & repay my father the school fees that he had paid for. I have yet to achieve my dreams of being successful in the radio production & broadcasting world. I have not reached the point in life where I can proclaim that I can provide for my family & until the day I am able to do so, I am nowhere near real independence.
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Everyone has his or her own friendship stories. Not all of us can predict how far one friendship can last. Some are meant to last decades while others last as long as the sun shines in the day.

I have my own fair share of acquaintances throughout. I have never judged my friends from their outlooks or backgrounds because I believe in being true to one’s self. I accept all of them for what they are, be it the "girl groupies" to the "boys' club", from the quietest nature to the daring, outspoken ones. I learn a lot from the characteristics of these people I call friends as they play a part in the formation of my own self.

I was unable to differentiate between having a good time & putting myself at risk of quarrelling with my father. Most of the time, I fall into the latter & end up hating myself for it. I do not like regretting my actions but these are the small things that I do that can lead me to a state of remorse. When the days are bright & cheerful, I love having my friends around me to share the fun & laughs that we have but it is through the rough patches that our friendships are tested. Once in need, a true friend will not turn his or her back on us. Not everyone is capable of such simplicity but unknowingly some people do posses this quality. A true friend does not hide behind a hypocritical smile just to please the one he or she calls a friend. These are the lessons I have learnt from friendships that have both progressed & recoiled.

Reminiscing, friendship has brought about somewhat new meanings to itself. Not only does it raise the awareness of different acquaintance status, it also makes me more conscious to the traits of the people that I mix around with. It does not change the fact that I do not judge my friends but it simply means that I shall have to be more careful when socialising.

Throughout the whole time I was in the state of immobility, loneliness & almost at the verge of succumbing to depression, the handful few were there to keep me sane & to remind me that there is more to life than just moping to sadness. Never forgetting me in their thoughts & prayers, keeping in touch by the simple act of calling to say "hello" or giving surprise visits now & then are the few things that make me appreciate these people & they truly deserve the title of a true friend.

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Sometimes we should not overlook the simple things that we come across, as they may be the one missing piece of puzzle in our lives. Never take for granted the love, care & concern that are showered upon us especially those coming from the people close to our hearts. We can never know if we could show the same gratitude that they have bestowed to us.

It may seem deep & significant to comprehend but think of it as something to ponder upon as we carry on with our daily lives. I will not be writing this if not for the mishap that had incurred. It certainly has an impact, direct or indirectly, on how I see myself from another person's perception. It is never too late to reform one's self as how I am going to take this opportunity to change for the better. Like they always say, there is always a silver lining behind grey skies.

**i can't believe i wrote this..

***comatose//

if i have to describe what i feel as of now, this is it.. no other words can describe it..

i can talk, i can't speak
i can see, i can't look
i can hear, i can't listen
i can touch, i can't feel
i can taste, i can't savour..

there is no way in Heaven i am goin to outsmart the Devil..