Dreams..

been havin weird dreams of late and they all involved people i know/knew..

like last week, i dreamt of fast cars, parkin lots and hdb flats.. i saw faces of people i know/knew who either drove or owned their own cribs.. it was so scary because in the dream they were so nice to me but in reality they were the ones who either left our friendship hangin and walked out or we quarrelled and the friendship ended on a sour note..

and there was this one week, i kept dreamin of the same person for over three days and the dream ended on the same day as the person's birthday.. strange..

it's probably just my anxiety or the fact that my flu's not gone yet.. maybe that's the cause of these weird dreams..

**28th.. please give me a positive news and peace of mind.. you don't know how much this is hurtin inside..

Oddly Normal = Normally Odd

I AM VERY HUNGRY..!!

things are lookin up pretty well of late.. Lady Luck has probably returned to my side after many months being left high and dry.. or maybe He has heard my prayers.. forever will be thankful..

things that have changed..

1. i have been assigned to another department and i have never felt better in the many months i've been in non-voice..
2. i don't feel tensed and swallowed each time i step into the office..
3. i don't get upset and pissed when i'm all alone at home anymore..
4. i've completed my studies [FINALLY..!] although i still have to wait another 2 months for my results..

and i am still very hungry..

i probably need to stock up snacks in my cupboard pretty soon..

to turn..

"just another set back.." she said, trying her hardest not to sigh. the emotional roller coaster ride seemed never ending.

with the blink of an eye, the end of 2009 is drawin near.. so what have we achieved..?

nothin much, or rather, NOTHIN on my end.. hopes dashed, followed by clutters of uncertainties.. i'm tryin my best to push myself and most of the time my feeble attempts of applyin 'Self-Motivation' to make it through the day proves futile..

i hate to say this but i think i'm losin THAT side of me.. the side which always triggers the happy thoughts each time i feel a storm comin.. the side which stops the tears from wellin and the anger from eruptin..

i was lookin forward to a greater and better year but sometimes lookin is just not enough.. physical impairments were inevitable and denied me of so many things.. it started from a small scratch [which proved occupationally fatal..] to what seems like a long-term infliction and the best part is i don't know when it will get better..

i am wishin and prayin very, very hard that this whirlwind of events will end soon.. it is too painful to swallow everythin at one go.. strangely, i still find it difficult to adapt to these changes even after all these months.. very unlike me..

i had my goals but they were obstructed and back to the bottom i went but i know i will scale my way up again somehow.. it took me three years to get to where i graciously was and i'm sure i'll be able to attempt that feat again..

i need the drive and motivation and i've misplaced it somewhere.. please help me take my mind off these things..

**i thank YOU for grantin me my only place of solace with my HuBBy dearest.. he has been the only wonderful thing that happened to me and please do not take that away from me too..

Fragile; This Way Up

this is me, i guess..

i think my leg and feet has issues with me.. i was ponderin, one day while i was at the bus stop waitin for the bus to go home, why must it always be the leg..? check out the list:

1. secondary 3, i fractured my left shin.
2. i was 23, i fractured both my heels and lower spine.
3. earlier this year, i tore the skin of my right foot.
4. a month ago, i fractured my left big toe. [and i only found out about it 3 weeks after i fell..!]

sir desmond was right to have given me the 'Most Fragile Cadet' certificate back then.. if i knew these were goin to happen, i would have insured my legs years ago.. hahahaha..!

then again, i did fracture my left arm when i was 4..

i am a walkin disaster..!

**what's up with me and fallin, man..?

please allow me..

I HATE MY JOB..!

is it wrong to express myself in words that i hate my job..?

for what it's worth..

a journey unfilled with happiness,
as taken away by wrath and displeasure..
muted by guilt thus truly ominous,
a hope to break free, a melancholic desire..

through the glass pane, time ticks away
obstinacy prevails,
the enigma of fate..?

diminish the fear..
relinquish the tear..

return the days of glory again..
i miss being on top of the world each and everyday when i step into the office, knowin that i will be doin somethin great for someone and that people depend on me..

the fear of failure..
the nerves to numbness..
to succumb to the reality,
is
to fade one's existence..
it is mundane now and i feel myself fallin into the darkest pit hole EVERY SINGLE DAY..!

and solitude empathizes,
the fool's fate and faith
but where shall the arrows fly..?
the smiling facade
with
the bleeding heart..
i have to pretend that everythin is alright and that this will not last long.. BUT THIS IS NOT TRUE..!

embalm the memories..
to ignite the passion
or
outgrow the endeared
with disdain to the entity..?
I JUST WANT TO DO WHAT I LIKE TO DO AND WHAT I'M GOOD AT.. i am reminded of all the fun times when i was still doin my previous job and the ease that i feel and when i feel tired after a day's work, i know that i did a good job..

**one of these days i know i will break and i will have to face the fact that i'm stuck here.. i just hate my job.. please..