My prayer

Seek ye first the kingdom of God
And His righteousness
And all these things shall be added unto you
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

Man shall not live by bread alone
But by every word
That proceeds from the mouth of God
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

Ask and it shall be given unto you
Seek and ye shall find
Knock and the door shall be opened unto you
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

If the son shall set you free
Ye shall be free indeed
Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

Let your light so shine before men
That they may see your good works
And glorify your Father in heaven
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart
He shall direct thy paths
In all thy ways acknowledge Him
Hallelu, Hallelujah!

Spiritual Battle

I had a horrendous dream this morning that I had to struggle to wake up from.

I dreamt it was yesterday and it was Sha's wedding and the day started off happy because I had started bleeding and I thought to myself, "I'm pregnant!". Ms Chan and Toad were there too with Dan and I. And then as it progressed, it became a beach side thing with lots of people I didn't know. But there was talk that someone had died. And slowly, people kept disappearing except this one woman. I discovered that she had some strange power because I saw her kill someone in front of me and then revive someone who looked and acted like the person she killed. And everyone lived on this beach.

Thing is there were people who tried to escape and she killed them and they just disappeared into the sand. I realised I was trapped. But I wanted to go back, to Dan and everyone else. And I went to ask her, to let me leave, to go back to my own world. And she said, this was my world and no one could go back. She didn't see why anyone wanted to go back anyway since it was a perfect world. I replied it wasn't perfect if she was forcibly keeping people there and I was pregnant and wanted to be with Dan.

She laughed this hideous laugh and pointed at me and I fell to the ground and said there was no pregnancy and there was nothing to be pregnant with because she had made certain of that. And if I tried to leave, she'd try to kill me. At that point, while I was on the ground, looking up at her, I realised that she was the devil. And this was hell. And I wanted to leave, because it was not where I belonged. I knew that I was going to die trying, but I had to.

At that point, there was God. It was like he was there all the time. He didn't sound far away. Anyway, I told Him that I needed to do this and the only way I was going to do this was to do it with Him, above me. It was almost as if He was holding my hand. He told me to just protect myself by singing whatever hymns I could remember. And we started running. I knew the devil was chasing and I felt that my back was very vulnerable. But I kept singing the doxology and Amazing Grace and any other verses that I could remember.

I felt that I was running and I was fearful that I would be killed, but nothing seemed to hit me as long as I was singing. And I felt that the devil took a great leap and tried to enter me. It was at that moment that I felt awake enough to realise that I was being pinned down in bed and I struggled and I was whispering under my breath the same songs as in the dream and slowly I came through.

All I've wanted is to be pregnant. I never imagined to be grounds for a spiritual war. And this is my declaration and by Jesus name, I stand by it. Mine belongs to God and there is no room for any other. The devil has no place within me because God is all powerful and the only one I've let in. I am protected by the Holy Spirit and God's grace and BE GONE, SATAN. You do not belong here. You have NO PLACE here.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit- the Perfect Trinity.

Amen.

Touched by the Spirit

On the way to school this morning, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a demand from the Lord. I was listening to this song- Sanctuary by Jaci Velasquez

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and holy, tried and ture
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

It is you, Lord
Who came to save
The heart and soul
Of every man
It is you Lord
who knows my weakness
Who gives me strength,
With thine own hand.

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and Holy, tried and true
With thanksgiving I'll be a living
Sanctuary for you

Lead Me on Lord
From temptation
Purify me
From within
Fill my heart with
You holy spirit
Take away all my sin

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and holy, tried and true
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

I've been touched by Threez's cause. Not in the same way as she, but this idea that there are children out there, in need of saving. And last night, we were talking about adopting children, if in the event that we couldn't have our own. Talking, just talking about adopting from Vietnam, the idea coming as a reply to a joke, that made me stop short and think.

And this morning, while listening to this song, I was overwhelmed by this question- whether I would do it? Not so much that it was an answer to our prayers and petitions to the Lord, but an outright demand and a challenge of sorts.

I kept struggling and giving excuses. That I wanted to, but what would people think? What would they say about us? And whether we were only doing it because of our inability to have children? I kept struggling with the pride part of it, that it wouldn't be ours. It wouldn't be made of Dan and I. Would it be the same.

And then, the next song that my ears tuned into was this one

Jesus, Lover of My Soul- It's all About you

Jesus, lover of my soul all consuming fire in your gaze
Jesus, I want you to know, that I'll follow you all my days
No one else in history is like you
History itself belongs to you
alpha and omega you have loved me
I will share eternity with you

It's all about you
Jesus
And all this is for you
For you glory and fame,
It's not about me
As if you should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender to your ways

And I felt the question again. Will I do this? I wasn't sure if this was what God wanted me to do, but I did feel that God wanted to know whether I would do this. And it really touched me, that all this is for God. For His Glory and Fame and it wasn't about me or Dan or about both of us. And I decided, like the song said, to surrender to God's ways.

So, I said Yes, I would.
And then I started crying. Not because I was sad, but I was overwhelmed and I had said yes, to something God asked for.

I don't know what God means for us to do, but I feel certain that the answer will become clear in time. But I think the message rings loud and clear. He wants us to be prepared. Is that his will for us? I always knew that God's will for me was to bring up children in His Word but is this part of it as well?

Cause And Effect

19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Galatians 5:19-21

This morning, in school, we had to sit through a counselling course called Love Matters. Because I teach 17-18 year olds and they are at an age where relationships mean a big deal to them, we have to know what to say to them. Of course, ideally, we should be able to tell them abstinance is best. But are they really going to listen? Ideally, I should be able to quote this from the Bible and have them quake from fear. But I can't. Not only because I teach in a secular school, but because I cannot alienate all those who do not believe.

Mom always taught me that when I teach, I should teach from the known to the unknown. Start with something they are familiar with, to introduce them to a foreign concept. To many of my students, God is something they cannot grapple with. They don't know and they don't understand. So, to couch a message so important in terms that they do not yet understand would be an act in futility.

I am not saying that I don't believe in it. I just need to get the kids on the same page as I am on before I even start. They all know sex before marriage is wrong. But knowing is an intellectual ability at times and it is not enough. I knew it at 18 too, that sex before marriage wasn't right. But it didn't really hit me till much later- when I listened to the wedding vows for the very first time. I've heard the wedding vows before but one day, at a wedding rehearsal, I finally listened and it became crystal clear to me.

I need to help my kids get there and it isn't by scaring them (although that might delay that sexual experimentation somewhat). Nor is it by threatening them (inheriting the earth isn't something 17 year olds spend a lot of time pondering over). And on top of that, I don't think it's my place to issue the threat that God will punish them for their sins. I believe God does allow the consequences of our actions to affect us adversely if it is the natural progression from our actions, but I really do not see it as my place to decide when, who or where God meets it out on.

My job here is to make sure my kids are aware enough to make the right decisions. And if they don't, at least be ready to face the consequences- and to do that, they have to know full well what the consequences are. I believe that if you choose a path that God does not want you to choose, but do so nonetheless, you live by that decision and you shouldn't expect God to bail you out. Even though, I think some of the time, He does.

Faith.

Faith is knowing what you do not see. Believing what you cannot know.

Faith has never been a problem for me. I've always known that God has been there, a part of my life and I've never had a doubt about His existance. I've been lucky that way. But life has it's way of breaking down that connection, where knowing and doing meet. It's when you take things for granted and assume that the relationship is one way or that it doesn't need to be taken care of and nurtured. It's when the noise from all around you not only drowns out the whispers of God, but also leads you to forget to have the conversations at all. I've been thinking all week about what to post on this blog and I realise that I really don't have much to say. My faith is intrinsic and as with all things intrinsic, it's difficult to articulate. I will endeavour however to do this. Life be darned, it's time to start talking again.

A Life Worth Living.

Always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you. —1 Peter 3:15 (22 June 2005)

Why am I a Christian?

The short answer is I was born into a Christian familiy.

But no, that doesn't answer the question. There are a whole lot of people I know who are born into Christian families and couldn't be further away from God.

So, let's try this again.

Why am I a Christian?

Because I was born and brought up a Christian and somewhere along the way, I discovered God and his greatness on my own. Sure, it helped that I was in the right environment but there was a still a journey, all through those rebellious teenage years and early uni days when religion and God took a back seat to ideas of rationalism and empirical evidence. But all through all that, God was there and God was on my mind.

I returned to church after Bryan and I broke up. I think there was some comfort to be got in church at that point. I remember crying through the hymns, not because it reminded me of Bryan but I think because I was in a vulnerable state and was therefore, not fighting at all, allowing the Holy Spirit to actually touch me and fill me. Hymns are beautiful and when you know them well enough, God speaks clearly and loudly through them and they touch your innermost soul.

I've never been asked to defend my faith, well, actually I have. At the age of 9. To my Dad. It was one of those evangelical/healing sessions and Mom brought me. I don't know why. I was 9 and had the attention span of a gnat. But anyhow, I went and I saw this speaker lay hands on wheel-chair bound people and have them walk across the stage. I didn't think much about it, as a kid, you really don't think much about anything really. But the next morning, my dad asked me what I saw and I told him. And he said that it was probably staged. I told him that I didn't think it was and Christians wouldn't lie about these things. Whether or not it was true, I believed enough to say that to my dad who wasn't the most accomodating when anything he says gets contradicted. But that was then, as a 9 year old. Now?

I have many friends who need to find their way back to God and I don't really know how to help them except use my own life as an exemplar to them and even that isn't very much I suspect. I think Dan does a better job of that than I do because as an individual, he has more faith in what he is unable to see but still believes. My belief needs to grow into that. And to do that, I must stop trying to be in control of everything in my life and let God take over the wheel. But until then, I shall have to go on discovering and learning how to show reason as to why I believe in something that cannot be seen or heard physically, something totally irrational but at the same time totally logical.

And I see this as the challenge ahead of me...
"The final test of the Christian scheme comes from trying it out in one's life, testing the promises the scheme tells us God has made, following in the way enjoined on us by the church, and seeing whether it leads to the new life of the Spirit."

Not By Might, Not By Power

I also labor, striving according to His working which works in me mightily. —Colossians 1:29 (21 June 2005)

Mom always told me that I couldn't just rely on myself to do things. That when I did, it would always come out short. I don't think she meant that I wasn't good enough. But that if I committed it to God, he would help me and it would be far better than what I could achieve on my own.

I have heard some call Christianity a crutch, that it breeds blind faith and dependence on something that is intangible. But Colossians 1:29 reminds us that dependence on God's mighty power within us is what makes us effective. And I bear testament to that.

I don't remember the times that I have succeeded under my own wind, possibly because they were so unimpressive they don't leave a mark in my memory. Spectacular failuures, on the other hand, like failing my Chinese exam, races that I botched up bore the same obstinate trademark of me, trying to do it on my own, me, not asking for God to guide me along and basically, doing it the Sinatra way.

And in the same way, committing in into God's hands and asking him to show the way has always turned out great. At 6, I remember Mom worrying that I wasn't going to get into a good primary school and she told me to pray about it. So I did. We had big French windows in the house and I knelt at one, like in children's books, and I prayed. The prayer of a 6 year old was heard by God and I got into the school that Mom hoped I'd get into.

And twenty years later, that still worked. My honours thesis wasn't just my work. It was a joint, collaborative effort. I asked for guidance and I prayed for the Holy Spirit to be with me and I wrote that dissertation that impressed enough to give me top marks. What more evidence does one need?

I think we need to keep remembering that. That when we do our best, God does so too. Reaping what you sow with God's help. It really isn't a one way thing, where we ask and sit back and just receive. I need to remember that in school as well. I guess, sometimes, I am so uninspired in school that it's just work that I need to get through. But even then, God helps, when I have piles to grade and ten thousand things to rush out. I guess, on our part, we have to remember to give thanks and honour for what He has done.

Thank you God for never being too busy to give us a hand with even the smallest things.