it all happened so fast...

been some time since I came here....busy and too preoccupied with army stuff and my own mind...

so it is a real slipped disc...not so serious as compared to others, but serious enough to make my back ache after long walks or running...it is only protruding out a little, but the whole jelly-like thing surrounding it has totally degenerated.

MO says that I have the back of a 50 year old (!?), damage is permanent...cannot be cured....god, I'd rather believe the specialist...still can recover with more physio, damage is permanent, but it will take time...lots of time. As long as there is little or no pain, there is improvement. reduction of the pain..sounds better than what the MO said


still ok...but let's face it. I have a permanent injury.

running is and will be a chore...walking too long...gah

dreams of Gold of IPPT b4 ORD shattered :(

oh well...looks like my chionging days are over...in army for now...
guess it's time for rest and no heavy load stuff


other than this back problem...i got my own mind to conquer

too bothered and preoccupied with stuff back in camp....looking at how screwed up some ppl are....goodness

I let that affect me and I became super negative during the course. even killed my mood in the Hong Kong trip. (the bad back did play some part)
I became so negative...even wondered why my ass got dragged along to Hong Kong. didn't had the intention to go...but heck, my family sticks together.
sometimes I wonder if they really know my real pain. sometimes I feel that they don't understand. and sometimes, I feel that I really have to break my back for them to know how bad the condition can get if I don't get ample rest. At that point, I didn't care what happened to me, I just want them to realise that cold, hard-hitting fact, and then..they'll wake up. if that really happens, that will totally suck. badly. seriously.

sigh..thinking about this makes me rmb about how unsatisfied I became...which now I believe is inappropriate. I get really tired sometimes, question myself on my endurance in life and work, if i can really make it. Heck, I'm gonna reach 20, and I'm doubting myself if I can do this.

being too negative can kill yourself...you don't appreciate the good things in life, you become more superficial, cynical, etc.

I'm glad my dad talked me out on this. I regretted thinking of what i wanted to do at that time.
 an utterly foolish and selfish thinking I brewed up that time.

well looking at this, I guess one of my birthday wishes is to be more patient. with myself and other people. results will not always show immediately. you just.....gotta wait. and that's life. that is something I'm looking forward.

looking to improve myself, more outspoken..get my lazy ass moving...
I need something to believe in too..religion. I still feel empty....I need Him. but I still don't feel that calling. unless someone can come along and show me that enlightening path. but for this, I only want to stick with one, and no crossing over or that sort. someone?

being optimistic is the key to a healthier life....better for health, your mental well-being, and for others. no point creating negative energy and spread to others unnecessarily.


okay, I gotta rest my back and sleep already. life goes on, ups and downs, going through the process...

I really need someone next to me, other than my family :/
someone to share happy thoughts with....
keep your eyes wide open...wide open (and your mind too of course)

rawr

booking in after a long week :(
bummer...

course starts tomorrow and well, not fully looking forward to it.
don't know why but, guess I'm of all the waiting shit.

dunno if my medical condition will allow me to continue, and that will be on Tuesday.

can't wait to get them results...slipped disc or not...down Pes or not..

hard to say...


I'm just tired of all this bullshit of waiting and guessing.

God please guide me through this. I still feel so empty, and perhaps, soulless.
Just what is happening to me :(

one thing at at time :/

doubts

sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing this...

is it worth it?.....at all?
it's like nothing is going to happen.
Doing nothing or even something doesn't help.

blame my mind for hanging on this for so damn long...am I making myself blind?
no words, just pure, plain nothing...

this is just more than sian, this is getting more...irritating.
Period.

Dear Lord, please guide me in understanding. Are You giving me this patience, or is it just me being foolish? I'm helpless in this. It's starting to be beyond my own control.