extending your limit

been about >1 month since the last post...Claymore has finally past...

this NSF journey I am facing now is something that few will experience...the tremendous stress of juggling many roles and responsibilites, placing care, effort and focus carefully throughout the weeks.
even before the start of ESC II, it was anticipated that I would be holding so many jobs..but the recent case has really pushed me to my limits, even beyond.

this is the first time that my mind feels conflicted, distracted, tired, stressed, but thankfully focused. I did learn a lot on focusing, multi-tasking and stress management.

I didn't expect that such a really big hoohah would arise. I didn't expect that I had to handle so many things and individuals, and I didn't expect the hostility of people to be just..that bad.

it is still/was so hard, going everywhere bearing the heavy load of people's faces and attitude towards you, as well as people waiting on you, needing your help.

gosh, so many sighs I have heaved, the stress is still there.

being alone bearing the work of many seriously sucks to the core, but I don't have a choice.

this period of time has taught me so many things, facing strong emotions of frustration, anger, anxiety and relief.
and I'm glad that I have my parents and my peers to talk to. Venting out the frustrations and stress are never enough, and I guess that I need to let things go.
one more week of this...and I am gonna hand down all these roles back to the right people. my big job is almost done.

heck, and I haven't even started the real work life outside there. talk about getting old and living shorter...


I somehow miss school. I really miss my class. seeing their faces and talking, I can't wait to de-stress properly. I'm also starting to miss some people too...the urge to meet is getting stronger, even though I haven't seen them in person for just a few months. the first 13 months in NS seem to feel a hell lot shorter than the 2 months that I didn't meet them.

I still need time to let go of this stress. Thank you God, for guiding me in this long journey of my army life. it's gonna end already. :)

goodness gracious me :/

sometimes you just feel that...you are all alone in this world...
and that's exactly what I'm feeling now...

guess it's just me.
it's just so tiring to go through shit...waiting for people forever, forever dealing with different people, or the same people every single day.

Life would be so much better if one stops caring too fucking much.
and this is only 22 months, serving in the army.
I wonder how people do it. standing their ground in showing fucked up behaviour to you, when you didn't do jack shit. I checked myself countless times, seeing what I did wrong. I just don't really get it. What did I do so wrong, that I am invisible, or you just ignore me, or you indirectly make my life a lot harder in the coming days.
Life in this coy is so damn fucking good (yes, the adjectives are there for a reason), still want better? so what is better than heaven or paradise? being godlike? still want to siam here siam there...sheesh.....
Yeah, people always say tolerate tolerate tolerate, ignoring is the only way or just bochap, it builds character and patience. Life has ups and downs. YES, I get it. but really sometimes, a person can just only take so much. it's just that I don't say anything, or I just don't blow up, cause peace is obviously better than having explosions every day.

next monday is gonna be real busy. give people stuff, set time for them, they come late, busy, or just vanish into thin air like what happened some time back. CALL or INFORM next time maybe? inspections, reports to settle, got my injuries to take care of, setting time for people, waiting, medical appointment for my bruised ball from paintball, etc. (i seriously expect more to come)

nuff said.

I gotta go enjoy my dinner with my parents. Mum's B'Day, so let's keep the peace. I can always de-stress myself over the weekends.

come and gone

bro just left for Germany last night....saw him off....
by the time he comes back, ORD loooo.......

1 year has passed so quickly, I still rmb being in Nee Soon as a SCT.
time has passed rather quickly...Uni will then start for me, and it's back to studying once again.

everyone's gotta grow old :S

can't wait to go to Germany in March next year after ORD! at least a week after the 5th please, I hope my parents set the date after that.
finally going to a non-Asian country for the 2nd time, Europe or America would be fine.


after thinking about what happened to me for the past few months, I guess I have a pretty interesting NS life so far.
getting a slipped disc, getting shot in the balls twice and getting hospitalised after that...(thankfully there's no permanent damage)
no more injuries please...one is already bad enough. and one service injury report is already difficult enough X(

I'm pretty sure I scare a lot of ppl around me...family and friends alike.
first time I rage at someone....whoosh, didn't really feel like I was myself when I exploded...no bottled-up anger released....

more to type but I gotta go back to camp already....Same Shit, Different Day




sigh sigh.....guessing and assuming kill...

oh wow

I don't fully understand how people can compare people so thoroughly and explicitly till the point of criticism...goodness...

tough times show the true of colours of people..and so far, it's not pleasing at all.
bitching and comparing are what I've seen from the beginning of the year.
I'm truly flabbergasted, shocked, stunned, disgusted, whatever.

Stage 1 and I already see so much negativity...just what has this world become to?

who says girls bitch and gossip more? it's the environment that also plays a major factor too. guys can sure about do the same.
honestly speechless....no wonder ppl want to ORD earlier, to escape from this bull friggin horseshit.

what a pleasant introduction to 20 years of age...seriously.

not every day is Sunday, a little hardship and shit are also needed to go through.


I think I'm too f-ing nice. unleashing rage is just so hard, cause I think my rage may really kill that first person. from the past till now, all that bottled up and dormant anger. BOOM.

that's enough said..too much negative energy about this. get a grip and carry on.

it all happened so fast...

been some time since I came here....busy and too preoccupied with army stuff and my own mind...

so it is a real slipped disc...not so serious as compared to others, but serious enough to make my back ache after long walks or running...it is only protruding out a little, but the whole jelly-like thing surrounding it has totally degenerated.

MO says that I have the back of a 50 year old (!?), damage is permanent...cannot be cured....god, I'd rather believe the specialist...still can recover with more physio, damage is permanent, but it will take time...lots of time. As long as there is little or no pain, there is improvement. reduction of the pain..sounds better than what the MO said


still ok...but let's face it. I have a permanent injury.

running is and will be a chore...walking too long...gah

dreams of Gold of IPPT b4 ORD shattered :(

oh well...looks like my chionging days are over...in army for now...
guess it's time for rest and no heavy load stuff


other than this back problem...i got my own mind to conquer

too bothered and preoccupied with stuff back in camp....looking at how screwed up some ppl are....goodness

I let that affect me and I became super negative during the course. even killed my mood in the Hong Kong trip. (the bad back did play some part)
I became so negative...even wondered why my ass got dragged along to Hong Kong. didn't had the intention to go...but heck, my family sticks together.
sometimes I wonder if they really know my real pain. sometimes I feel that they don't understand. and sometimes, I feel that I really have to break my back for them to know how bad the condition can get if I don't get ample rest. At that point, I didn't care what happened to me, I just want them to realise that cold, hard-hitting fact, and then..they'll wake up. if that really happens, that will totally suck. badly. seriously.

sigh..thinking about this makes me rmb about how unsatisfied I became...which now I believe is inappropriate. I get really tired sometimes, question myself on my endurance in life and work, if i can really make it. Heck, I'm gonna reach 20, and I'm doubting myself if I can do this.

being too negative can kill yourself...you don't appreciate the good things in life, you become more superficial, cynical, etc.

I'm glad my dad talked me out on this. I regretted thinking of what i wanted to do at that time.
 an utterly foolish and selfish thinking I brewed up that time.

well looking at this, I guess one of my birthday wishes is to be more patient. with myself and other people. results will not always show immediately. you just.....gotta wait. and that's life. that is something I'm looking forward.

looking to improve myself, more outspoken..get my lazy ass moving...
I need something to believe in too..religion. I still feel empty....I need Him. but I still don't feel that calling. unless someone can come along and show me that enlightening path. but for this, I only want to stick with one, and no crossing over or that sort. someone?

being optimistic is the key to a healthier life....better for health, your mental well-being, and for others. no point creating negative energy and spread to others unnecessarily.


okay, I gotta rest my back and sleep already. life goes on, ups and downs, going through the process...

I really need someone next to me, other than my family :/
someone to share happy thoughts with....
keep your eyes wide open...wide open (and your mind too of course)

rawr

booking in after a long week :(
bummer...

course starts tomorrow and well, not fully looking forward to it.
don't know why but, guess I'm of all the waiting shit.

dunno if my medical condition will allow me to continue, and that will be on Tuesday.

can't wait to get them results...slipped disc or not...down Pes or not..

hard to say...


I'm just tired of all this bullshit of waiting and guessing.

God please guide me through this. I still feel so empty, and perhaps, soulless.
Just what is happening to me :(

one thing at at time :/

doubts

sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing this...

is it worth it?.....at all?
it's like nothing is going to happen.
Doing nothing or even something doesn't help.

blame my mind for hanging on this for so damn long...am I making myself blind?
no words, just pure, plain nothing...

this is just more than sian, this is getting more...irritating.
Period.

Dear Lord, please guide me in understanding. Are You giving me this patience, or is it just me being foolish? I'm helpless in this. It's starting to be beyond my own control.

not bad...

this course is not bad....for once, I can book out from a camp that is near home! :)

gotta make full use of tmr then! Thank God there's an opportunity for me to walk home. haven't really explored that area of Yew Tee anyway, maybe make a short look-see perhaps.

just glad I won't be in camp for the week....sigh I keep thinking about all the shit and stress back there...

Lord, please guide me in this. Human relationships are one of the most challenging things to handle, and this is only the sneak preview of working life. :/
one thing at a time...nobody said that this was easy in the first place.

starting to miss a lot of my school days, especially JC...friends, schoolmates, when life wasn't so complicated back then...all the silly, stupid actions, decisions made, as well as the awkwardness, laughs, good times and moments of *oops*
heh, if only it were that simple...how will life be fun in that way?

like a quote from 9gag or Fb: Life is like a piano. The white keys represent good times, the black keys represent bad times. In order to play music (go through life), you need both to create something beautiful and meaningful.

Something new to try..

going for stay-out course for the next 5 days! 8-5pm

can say that it's shiok, I can finally get back my lost sleep, that's for sure! but...getting there is the only agonising part. Sembawang camp..ok, not as far, but travelling there for the next few days...oh well. something new to learn anyway...

getting out of camp for this one week is good enough..getting more things happening (calls may be expected) in there now...on occasions, it really sucks to be there. To each his own...i guess. < 8 months and counting...gotta remember that...keep my spirits up

the Hong Kong trip in mid-August....honestly, I'm not sure if the unit will really allow me to leave halfway...seems so abrupt with the change (course pushed forward by one week, great)
but I'm glad my PC's helping me, guess I will really owe him one if he comes through!


and at least my brother's back from Germany, the house is gonna be lively again! lucky guy..

still feel weird now for some reason.......it seems that the time away is getting longer once again...i feel so dead again. grr...when will this feeling ever go away???

ok, gotta go sleep for tmr already...new environment again, let's go! :)

< 8 months lo....

shouldn't have played bball with the guys last night...

now the whole nerve from the left butt to the knee hurts on occasions...standing or walking is now a real pain

now it feels really like a slipped disc and a muscle strain

no more, just gotta rest

can't do shit in camp...sometimes it's really demoralising to be unable to do any real physical activity...and looks like I can't go for the Survey course already with this bad back...no Thailand either :(

sucks to the max not being able to do something that's so grand and enriching, even though it's really troublesome to bring every single equipment over there...

maybe it's a signal, that God doesn't me to overdo myself and my body...I still got a long way to go...Uni, work, family, etc

it's just 2 years, or 22 months for me....not worth to be a cripple or handicap at 19+ years old and being stuck in a wheelchair forever after that. I still have people out there who need me. Family, friends, that special someone out there, future acquaintances....

gotta re-focus myself and live through the remaining 8 months or less...be happy be what I have. Every week, going through the mundane routine...goodness...

sleep alr....COS tmr!

I think I'm a socially awkward weirdo in camp...seriously. can't strike convo so easily, reading ppl's actions, expressions, comments too much, remain silent for most of the time. It's either just me and my mind, or the others, or both. (hmmm....mostly the former I bet)

Am I really the Underdog (as my father described)? seems quite somewhat legit....in terms of my family...I guess it's quite obvious. this is what I feel: :||||||||||

Life's like a routine

tired of staying at home, I'm practically in front of the computer screen for most of the time during the weekends!

argh, I need to get out more and enjoy this break before Uni! so many places to go!...but going alone seems stupid and lonely...and going out with the same party..well, let's just say I wanna go out with different ppl/  someone else this time.

but the question is: Who?

omg I feel lonely. starting to feel more and more empty here...I'm feeling like I'm going back to my past self, only not so emotionally unstable/stressed....just empty. something's missing in my life now

hmm...I feel so different today...

like as if I'm not that emotionally stressed out anymore

whatever it is, somehow I feel better and happier now :)
like my mind has been elevated to a higher level? don't know how to describe it...

Thank You God for that! my prays seem to have been answered somehow :)


random?: I don't know how what happened to my chest last night. how come the two * become sore? wth happened seriously...erh

Bad or worse?

This Friday will determine if I'm gonna have an injury for life, or just a long yet temporary injury.

Whether if my back really has a slipped disc or not, that depends on that X-ray results that I have been waiting for so darn long...

I hope it isn't too bad...an old man at 19+ years old is already hard enough. Feeling that agonising pain every time, every second, is gonna kill me sooner or later.

Just gotta pray now...

Brain(in a)storm

I pray that what I have been thinking for so long...comes true. Even if it's early, I still pray.




On a side note: Pillows are seriously thought-provokers...honest!

On another side note: Hope it doesn't rain tmr! Or else it will ruin the Batam family trip! Prove the weather forecast wrong!

how long..... :(

felt so soulless for the whole day since this morning until I came back from the outing.....

i guess that I can't stay angry for very long....probably a good thing

hopefully I won't experience that intensely miserable feeling again or anytime soon..

the mood instantly kills everything....your thoughts, actions.....everything.....

guess my issue will go unanswered again....need professional help?

Where on earth can you seek help from when you can't turn to even your family and friends for peace or comfort?