No more waiting

We took a break. A real live break. For a complete year.

A year off of actively 'trying to conceive with the doctor.' (We actively tried on our own, but that's another story. Nothing happened there.)

A year where I don't look back at our pictures and vacations and think about where we were in a cycle - pre, post, pregnant, or miscarrying, or post miscarriage.

A year where I got back in shape. And ran a half marathon.

A year to grieve.

A year to mourn.

A year to rejoice and enjoy in what we have been given.

A year to think back at all that has happened, where we have come from, who has been (or not been) in our journey and how God has continually blessed us each step of the way.

~~

I have not really known what to do with this blog. At first, it was therapy. It was finding collective friends who were in the same situation, or had been in my shoes prior, and figuring out how to navigate the infertility waters. Then I had my daughter. And it didn't seem right to write about her in this space. So I took time off, changed jobs and had less opportunities to write. Life just got busier.

Then we started trying for number two. And that became it's own version of a roller coaster. Uncertainty and unexplained maddening. Two years and four miscarriages later, I was shattered. Preconceived notions, jealously, brokenness, grief, unwillingness to open up, friendships letting me down, it all came to a head. So I took a break.

~~

Recently a college friend wrote a blog post about waiting. The season of waiting. The anxiety, discomfort and annoyance of waiting of being in-between and not knowing what is going to happen.

It made me think of this space. Of us - the blogger world - and infertility.

We in the infertility world are familiar with waiting. Pre cycle. Post cycle. Two week wait. Betas. Ultrasounds. Insurance coverage approval (or not). Waiting to save up money to cycle. Pregnancy. Miscarrying. Procedures. Time off to heal. Adoption. Paper work. Home study. Processing. Travel time. Rejection. Starting over. And more. All of it.

Waiting.

I've had several conversations with hubby about how we are waiting. We took time off. A year. A true year. And then we'll try again. And then we'll wait to see if that works. And if that doesn't work, I'll most likely miscarry. And then we have to see what happens. And then we'll probably embark upon the roller coaster that is adoption. And then there will be more waiting.

I hate the idea of "waiting" to live my life. Why can't I just live it now? Why do I have to wait?

Obviously I'm inpatient. And un-trusting. And we can make all sorts of comments about my lack of faith and my wanting to control my life. But whatever. I know I'm flawed, sinful and far from perfect. I need Jesus to help me. But that's my story.

Okay. Back to the waiting.

This college friend wrote something beautiful. And that prompted me to want to share it with you.

Instead of waiting for the gift, she remarked that the waiting itself is the gift.

Waiting is the gift?

What?!?

I've been thinking about this for a couple weeks. And I'm still puzzled. But, it has prompted me to try to live more in the NOW and less in the waiting.

To be more grateful. And more proactive. And less planning.

These past couple years have taught me that I cannot plan my life. I will not have 2.5 kids and a dog and a house with a picket fence and a big yard by the time I'm X years of age. Or whatever your ideal situation of your life is going to be. Full disclaimer - that's not necessarily mine, but it seems like what the movies tell us is the ideal.

I cannot think, "I will be doing this (whatever this is) in a month, or two years."

All I can think of is "this is the now."

I can be grateful for what I have now. I can plan ahead to try again. I know the rough estimate of that timeline. But I don't know what happens after that. I cannot guarantee what is going to happen.

I'm trying to give up waiting for the next best thing and focus on living my best thing now. Trying not to judge, or be jealous. Repeating to myself, "No one's life is perfect. Even if they portray it as such." And in my case, praising God for all I've been given - even my infertility and miscarriages - and being thankful, daily, for that.

No more waiting, but being thankful and living in the now.

Will you join me?

Did you know it's spring?

Winter was a hard season for me. Grief hit me hard. And oddly enough, it didn't hit in February, right after my due date. But in March.

March was HARD.

I cried week after week at church. Not really any place else. But sitting there in church, worshiping God. I'd have tears streaming down my face.

It was  hard for me to comprehend. Why? Why is this happening right now? I'm so embarrassed. People must think I cry all the time, all week. People were looking at me strange. Once I even had to leave the sanctuary because I was crying so hard.

But I couldn't stop the tears.

A friend told me it's because I stop and sit and think about all the things God has given us then. And sorrow mingles in.

Then there were the 5 other babies that were at church, born around my due date.

My baby wasn't there.

We tried going to another church in our denomination for a Sunday. I cried there too.

We moved where we sat at church. With 5 babies, it's really hard to avoid one, but we're trying.

I met with my social worker and my pastor. And they both said - it's grief. It hits you when you least expect it. There is no magical answer, no way to turn it off. You just ride it and eventually it'll lessen.

Because what it really takes is time.

Time really is the best healer of all.

It doesn't mean I'm over grieving. It doesn't mean it won't hit me again. But I will say it's getting better.

I haven't cried in two weeks.

I've also lost 5 lb and I'm training for a half marathon. I've got the runners/exercise high now. And I feel better about being me.

And it's time.

And there was Easter.

And it's spring. The start of something new.

Spring. 

Here in New England flowers start poking through the soil. Snow is pretty much gone. And there is hope that it's going to get warmer.

Last weekend we celebrated Easter. The joy of our risen Savior. The amazing gift that He gave us. Lyrics from my favorite song really say it all -

Death is dead, love has won, Christ has conquered
And we shall reign with Him
For He lives, Christ is risen from the dead

~ from the Resurrection Hymn (See What a Morning) by Stuart Townend

Easter.

The idea that "love has won" and "He lives" changed my grief. It really was Psalm 30: 11-12

¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
    you have loosed my sackcloth
    and clothed me with gladness,
¹² that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

 If I sit and think about it, I wonder what's next for us... but I don't know.

The hardest thing is not actually trying - I've got the IVF thing down pat. It's the what happens after. I've got this rare thing that I've gotten pregnant every time we've tried with IVF/FET, but the last four pregnancies have resulted in a miscarriage. What happens if I get pregnant again?

And the answer is I don't know.

What does that mean going forward?

I don't know.

But I do know we're on a much, much needed break. Mo talked about how they took a year off inbetween, before having Magpie.

And I know we need it.

I'm relatively "young" when it comes to the IF world. So at least I have some time on my side.

We need the time. To grieve. To heal. To rest. To enjoy life without it being dominated by doctor appointments, needles, blood draws, and ultrasounds.

That's what's happening with me.

I hope you are able to enjoy spring too! (Or fall in some parts of the world....)

Today

Today was my due date.

My latest unfulfilled due date. I've technically had 4.

November 30, 2011. That one was really hard. But that fall was hard for many reasons. I carried that little one till 14 weeks, but found out the baby died at 12.5. And I'd already miscarried again. After our second miscarriage (Sept) my dad had heart surgery on the day of my boss' funeral (Oct). It was really rough emotionally and it took months to recover.

May 14, 2012. That one wasn't as bad. Although a friend had a baby the next day. This pregnancy was "fine" for about 2 days and then my beta numbers went crazy and I miscarried at 6 weeks. What was hard about this pregnancy was going to a wedding in a different state while I was miscarrying, and then having to do 7 weeks of blood draws after to make sure my beta numbers went down to zero so we could do all the reoccurring loss work up. The loss workup showed nothing, so that left a lot of unanswered questions.

October 2012. I don't actually remember the date, but this was a chemical pregnancy and I feel a little strange about it. I took a home pregnancy test and it was negative, but then when I went to the doctor, they said "your a little pregnant." It was strange. There was no chance at viability so I wonder if I should count this pregnancy at all, especially since I never would have known without my beta draw. But I was still sad in October, and a friend also had a baby this date too.

And finally we're at Valentine's day. My latest unfulfilled due date. I carried my baby girl for 14 weeks. She died sometime around 13.5. I had the D&E the day before my daughter's 3rd birthday party. I know at least 5 people due right around the same time as me, all who had announced their pregnancies, and yet I was still waiting till 14 weeks because I was nervous. So instead, we announced our miscarriage. I've had at least two friends who have had their babies and waiting to hear about 3 more. This one is hard and sad, but not like the first one. Mostly because I wonder what is to come.

It's strange today because of the date: Valentine's day.

Everyone's happy and celebrating how much they love each other.And I just want to scream, "Today was my UNFULFILLED DUE DATE."

This morning I got to wake up next to my husband and go into my daughter's bedroom. She was doing her sweet, sleepy cuddles and I was rocking her in the glider. I was missing our little girl that we didn't have, but I cried because there is so much to be thankful for. I was holding our amazing little miracle child and an answer to so many prayers.

As much as I miss my child that we didn't get to have today, I cannot help but think about how much we have been blessed with.

I am happily married to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful daughter who was the answer to many, many, many, many prayers (and not just our prayers). 

I think of widows missing their husbands. And kids who have lost their parents. And kids in foster care. And orphans waiting for adoption. And single girls longing to get married. Even single guys wanting to date girls. And friends who can't get pregnant. Or friends struggling with the kids they have. Or wanting more kids and can't for a variety of reasons. Or people struggling with cancer or some other disease. Or financial troubles. Or unemployment. Or...

The list goes on.

So instead of dwelling today on what I don't have and what today wasn't, I'm going to take the chance to dwell on what I do and what it is. And to praise God for that. And to be thankful. Because there is a lot to be thankful for. For the blessings on earth, but also for the biggest gift that God gave us: his own Son. 

"May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." ~ Colossians 1: 11-13

Hello again

Well hello again.

It's been over a month. Or in reality, 5 weeks and 5 days since our D&E. And someone decided to visit. In a way, that's good. No more crazy pregnancy hormones in my system.

I'm back to running and my work out videos. I have at least 10 lb to lose. That's going to be tough. Every time I get on the scale now, my weight seems to go up! Yuck.

But I'm feeling more "normal."

Normal, what is that anyway?

I had a friend get pregnant after a crazy story and then I realized I'm a crazy story. I'm the one that people now say, "I have had a friend who's had 4 miscarriages."

Ugh.

I have been so grateful for the emails, texts, and calls. You know who you are. THANK YOU.

So what's been going on in the last month+? 

I took off 2 weeks of work. Fully blessed. It was awesome. I did a ton of house projects.

I had my follow up post-D&E appointment with an OB in the practice. No news. Nothing new. Her theory - I'm having random, unpredictable genetic disorders occur with those 4 pregnancies (i.e., Trisometry, Downs) and there is nothing we can do. Our rate of another pregnancy surviving is now about 40%, although she wasn't sure.

I talked to an RE friend, she quoted an article at me that puts my rate of another pregnancy surviving at 60-70%. She did reassure me there was nothing I did. And I believe her. Whew. Although, in reality, it's hard to believe.

My OB called to tell me the genetic results of the test they did on our baby. NORMAL. And a baby girl. Nothing I did, could have done. Just random. It disproved the other OB's theory. We discussed some potential scenarios for next time, but she also said to talk to my RE.

I talked to my social worker. She's been awesome and super helpful at letting me process my grief. 

And then I talked to my RE. She thinks there was a medical error somewhere because the baby they tested was labeled as 7/24/12 and my procedure wasn't until 8/17/12. Umm, yeah. That's a problem. So she's in search of an answer to that. Pending those results. Total loss of what to do next time - there are steps in place, but no defined cause = no defined way to prevent it. But she didn't think my chance of having another kid was going down because I had a kid. Interesting. Discussed the potential for PGD (not really excited about this one), aspirin/progesterone, and nothing is solid. Referred me to an RE out of state with an expertise in reoccurring loss and to see an MFM consult.

At this point we're leaning towards trying another cycle sometime in the spring vs. starting the adoption process. A wise lady told me, "sometimes it's harder to stop than to keep going." And she's right. I felt like we were so close to being out of the woods this time. We need some time. And we're going to take that.

Granted, is out of the woods really 14 weeks? At this point, it might be a huge milestone, but out of the woods is going to be a baby in hand. I guess we just need to take it one step at a time.

Grief comes in waves. Most of the time I'm fine, but then I just start crying. And I'm not a crier. I cried the first 2 times I was at church. My fellow due date friends are finding out their babies genders and I did too until I found out it might not have been my baby. That was a bit of a let down. But I didn't cry in church this week.
And I've been focusing a lot on the things I'm grateful for. There are many. We have been blessed indeed. Even though we have many babies not here on earth, we've been blessed to get pregnant at all. We have an absolutely beautiful, precious, delightful and lovely little girl. We have been blessed with great friends and family who have cared so well for us. With a great church. And so many of our needs (food, house, jobs) have been provided. We have a great God who loves and cares for us. We have grace, forgiveness and mercy. And we have Jesus. We are richly blessed indeed.

Anyway. That's my update.

I'm wishing lots of sticky love to my friend Dana - who is having her retrieval today. Praying for you friend!

Can't sleep

First, thanks for all of you who have sent your support - texts, emails, comments, messages. They are so greatly, greatly appreciated. Words cannot express how thankful I am for this community and your friendships. Many of you 'get it' in ways other people in my life can't, because they haven't been there. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

---

Ever since I found out our baby died, I haven't been sleeping well.

The first night, I woke up at 4 am and started crying. Of course I woke up hubby too. Neither of us went back to sleep. It made for a rough Friday - D&E day.

Then, I keep waking up early... around 6. Everyday. And I'm not a morning person. Or either I (or hubby) wakes up to pee and I can't get back to sleep.

It was one of those nights so I thought I'd type up my list of questions I want to talk to the doctor about when I meet with them. Just to get them off my chest an out of my head.

I still feel very much like a zombie, walking in a land of disbelief. Physically, I'm feeling much better. I've been taking it really easy (they told me not to get up for more than 5 minutes at a time for 5 days). I also got antibiotics this time and some medicine to make my uterus cramp up. Hopefully this will prevent me from having to go back to the hospital with an infection, passing massive amounts of blood clots like after my last D&E.

But the emotional part. Yoozers. When do I stop thinking I've woken up from a bad dream?

I keep throwing around adoption (domestic, international); our one remaining frozen embryo, and would I ever do IVF again. I keep praying. And every day - even hour - my decision on any one of them could be different. And so could the hubby's. He's learned not to let me make any definitive plans... so much of what I feel afterwards is shock. I'm a planner by nature so I want to plan through the shock and not grieve.

I need to grieve.

We were reading through Psalm 30 and 31 last night and a couple versus struck me (all ESV below):

Psalm 30: 5 "...weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning."
Psalm 30: 11-12 "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. Oh LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"
Psalm 31: 7 "I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul..."

I am glad that I'm not the author of my life. I know that eventually my mourning will turn into dancing and that I will throw off my 'sackcloth.' Eventually.

Ecclesiastes 3: 4 says there is a "time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, a time to dance..."

Five, ten years from now, I know I will look back in my life and I won't see it the same way I see it now. But right now, the mourning sucks. I'm just trusting that God has a reason for everything; I don't know it, I probably won't ever know it. I probably can't ever explain why this is happening, but I am trusting that God's in control, especially when I'm not.

Unanswered questions

I just have all these how's and why's floating through my head. They're not necessarily 'pity me' questions, but they are ones I wish I knew answers to... 

Why is it that my body is broken?

How is it possible that all genetic tests (for me and DH) come back normal? That all my tests for reoccurring loss come back normal, and yet, I've had 4 miscarriages?

Why do my miscarriages on the babies that seem as though they'll last (2 were really doomed from the start of the 2nd beta), occur late in the first trimester and we found out at 14 weeks? 

How is it that everything seemed to work out well for this cycle - and so many of my friends are due right around the same time I was (seriously, I know 5 people due Feb/Mar) and now this? 

What do I do with all the baby stuff I've been storing for the next kid?

Is this the end of the line for our attempts at biological children? 

I was an only child and I so wanted to have another sibling for my daughter. Now her siblings are with Jesus. Did I want this too much? Was I trying to play God? 

How do you decide between domestic and international adoption? 

How do you stop hysterically crying when you think about what might have been? 

When does your heart stop breaking?

Why can other people seem to get pregnant so easily and yet stay pregnant? And even some people who go to the doctor for the first pregnancy and then have a second on their own? And yet, our story is so different?

What is God trying to tell me? Teach me? And am I listening? 

Sad update

I haven't updated much since I was discharged from the RE.

At 10 weeks, I dragged a friend to my first dr appointment and ended up with an ultrasound. Everything looked great.

Between 10-13 weeks I was sick, SICK as could be. Throwing up a lot. I threw up 5 times in one day. That was the worst. I even lost weight. But as odd as it was, I was grateful for symptoms.

At 12 weeks, we had a great dr appointment and heard the heartbeat - around 165.

But when I went in for a check at 14, the baby had passed away sometime between 13 and 13.5 weeks.

I have a D&E scheduled for tomorrow.

Although we are sad, our faith is not shaken. We have no idea why, but then again, God works in mysterious ways. We are even more grateful for our little miracle, who is about to celebrate her 3rd birthday.