Reflection

Ok it's going to be 2012 in 1 hour, time to reflect on this year. My reflection this year will be separated into the good and the bad.

Bads
1. Studies
The first year in JC was horrible in terms of results received. The system was new, there were a lot of activities, and I still wanted to play, hence my grades have to suffer. Ranging from all subjects except GP which was still ok (in the promos that is), the rest were ridiculously bad.
Bio = did not mug enough, did not remember enough. Chem = too careless and too proud to do work properly. Maths = made careless mistake at the wrong place at the wrong time. Econs = o.o? I think I need help.. GP = more practice.

2. Work
There are other types of work such as Centad and ISYF, and random projects here and there (lol smtp). The main problem I see with myself now is that I tend to slack until the last minute, when I start to chiong. Also, I tend to do things by myself and do not order people around, ie. I became a voluntary tanker.

3. Relationships
When I make new friends, some old ones may have to go. I have this feeling that I may have communicated too little with some of my friends. Need better time management for this. But then, since my theory of tiers still hold, let's see how much time I can give to the rest.
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Goods
1. Relationships
I would say I made a lot of good friends this year, and also strengthened the ties with some of my old friends. So one of the ways how I 安慰 myself for the bads is that I made a lot of close friends in 1 year as compared to that 4 long years where I lived for no one.
Also, I've made a lot of friends who treat me as a close friend as well (there's a difference between you treating someone as close friend and him treating you as close friend) I think I made myself a more trustworthy person, so people tend to share their problems and stuff with me. Also, I'm a very casual person, hopefully I don't put nervous people off.

2. Personal
I really need to emphasize on this. I became a WAY BETTER person this year, as compared to the past 4 years in high school. I learnt a lot of things along the way, but the main change started late last year to this year, thanks to a lot of people who made me aware that I should improve my personality for the better. Firstly, I want to thank thamsy for his scoldings since last year about my horrible personality. I forced myself to change because I want him to be convinced that he has a friend worthy of his trust and care. It might be accidental, but yeah I changed for you, and now I changed for myself :)
Next, I want to thank ray yan for providing the ideas of love theory. I would say I always escape from logic because I'm (afraid?) of its power. (Actually I don't understand why I tend to move away from logic, maybe because I always feel that emotions along can get results as of now) But anyways, yup you taught me a lot about the subject of love, so I hope I can make good use of that for my future endeavors. o.o
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People
At the end of the year, there are quite a number of people that I want to thank.
First, thank you thamsy for being a close friend, for sharing with me your idea and philosophy, for talking about nonsense such as ingesting chloroform to drug people and carnivorous tendencies.
Second, thank you rayray for being a close friend (as well), talking to me during times when you were probably chionging work (again) while I'm lazily doing work or slacking, giving me the key to a locked world (so that hopefully I can make it a more cheerful place) and being a pseudo-神. (dun worry I wont treat u like a real 神 since I wont worship u :O)
Third, thank you domi for being someone whos interestingly similar in personality, and yet different enough to be unique in your own way, for being that one person, for letting me stone with u and many others.
Fourth, thank you gc for being pro! You are the few people who make me feel worryless whenever I talk to you, all the random convos that kept us entertained, dota games which I remained to be myself (at least I bought courier D:) and teaching me a lot of serious and non-serious knowledge.
Fifth, thank you (insert nameS of girls here) for getting to know me. Such as CHINGY who is an awesome leader in a lot of senses, esther who is the girl talk mate and sit-in-the-corner-and-emo-while-writing-melancholic-poems-about-life person, peiwei, jingyi and huimin for fun / random moments and secrets shared during these months.
Lastly, thank yous to many more friends who made my JC1 life in hwa chong memorable and easy-going. I'm very lucky to have met all of you this year. Esp people like wabo whom we have spent days after days together, helped each other and well slacked off during lectures and tutorials.
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To the rest: Happy new year! Hoped that this year has been enjoyable, and next year will be even better (despite A lvls and other bullshit)
Quotes coming up soon. :)

QED? - kanjo

Maybe ..... that feeling will have to extend to next year. :P
Hopefully now I'm a better person than, say, months ago.

2012 (eve)

I decide I shall spend my 2012 eve on msn, instead of going out and party or something. Because I decide to be romantic, hopefully there's people online for me to talk to, about life.
Oh, and all the quotes of this year shall be revealed on the first day of 2012 :D
Shall do some self reflection later.
Enjoy your countdown people.

Flowers

I just learnt that burgundy rose means unconscious beauty.
Was doing ISYF work, when I suddenly 心血来潮 and went to read language of flowers. Seeing the gigantic spam of flowers and their meanings, all the time wondering 'I can't even get my hand on half of them, what's the point.'
Yeah, what's the point? Apart from the basic knowledge that red rose signifies true love and carnations are meant for mother's day, and that you should never give people chrysanthemum, and that forget-me-not obviously means what it's called, I don't really think the rest are as important. It would even be funny if you, after looking through the whole list, finally chose a flower to give to someone, and that someone doesn't even know what flower this is. zomg I actually had a moment of insanity and want to do that. I'm TOO romantic sometimes -.-
Other than that, I supposed the past few days (and convo with people) taught me the love theory. Mmm making love logical sounds weird but it must be so. When one side doesn't know what he or she wants in a relationship, you know the relationship is bound to fail from the start. Other than that, not knowing what the other person wants will also cause the relationship to fail. Hence, melancholy of an unrequited love duh.
I wonder how long my 'melancholy of an unrequited love' will last, it's getting annoying. Maybe giving and not receiving is annoying me, but actually I'm not giving much seeing that I already know I won't receive anything. That's probably a waste of my time, but hey who doesn't want to make himself more huggable?
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Moving on from self-musing, the past week has been very slack. Too slack for my own good. I left almost all the homework at 80% and then decided not to do that 20% until some time later, except for my book reading (the god delusion) and my chem note making, which is at around...less than 50% T.T
Despite giving up on neopets (woots), I am somehow still having low efficiency, starting from waking up at 4 pm for the past 2 days..
Ranting on and on, ok shall start taking action from today onwards!
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Before I leave, bellflower. To whoever it may deem fit.
Oh and lol, I learnt that someone is a Parsee Mizuhashi :P

Christmas

Despite being a non-believer, I still celebrate Christmas to meet up with friends and enjoy the mood.
All I want for Christmas is you. And yup, I did get yous for Christmas eve. Thanks for coming :)
It's interesting to hear you all catching up with each other about life, and watching the movie, and dota. Might not be that fun but I really enjoyed your company haha.
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Miss you? Like real I wont't. :P
And Merry Christmas guys!

冬至

Today is supposedly 冬至, so I decided to buy some 汤圆 while on the way back home. Once again the trip to the supermarket made me realise how little I know about shopping for daily necessities, should spend more time learning about shopping in detail o.o
Today had ISYF amazing race dry-run, which turned out quite bad because a lot of the facilitators did not turn up for it. The teachers in charge were pretty upset, and so were many of the EXCO members. Just read this awesome email by our vice-president about being responsible for ISYF. Awesomely awesome, let's hope she will send a scarier email soon. Ok let's hope not, that would mean more screw-ups for ISYF.
Was thinking about why people sign up for commitments and then ignore them later on. It's like, maybe the end result seem appealing (which is the main reason why people go for so many commitments in the first place), but if you're unable to even keep your role in shape, and do your job responsibly, you're just wasting everyone's time, and depriving another person the chance of being in the group and doing proper work.
Well quoted from someone, the way people in ISYF do things were quite joke to begin with, so all along we are just jokers joking around. Maybe the standard need to be raised so that we can get the proper picture of the whole thing, such as how important it is, before we can do work more efficiently. But then we are just teenagers, we want to enjoy our JC life as well.
To be truthful I only have 4 main commitments for this holiday (what holiday): Centad, ISYF, revision, SAT, so I'm relatively more free (ok fine I'm way more free) than most of the other people I know. That's why I can offer myself to help people do work when their comm members disappear for no reason -.-
Other than that, happy 冬至, enjoy your time with your family, and enjoy your 汤圆 haha.

Experiment

In an attempt to keep this blog alive (ie. keeping my brain alive) I used random word generator to generate nouns for me to blog about. Due to the fact the first word 'theatre' is so-long-never-watch-movie-dun-bother and second word 'spin' is too abstract, I decided to choose the third word 'experiment' to talk about the progress of my centad and other experiments.
Centad is currently at the o.o hahahaha (sheepish laughter) *scratch head* (insert confusion here) stage. Cus we reached a point where the rest is all blur and uncertain, so no idea how to carry on. And zomg need to start writing SSEF research paper blahhhh. As learnt from gc maths centad and science centad is so different. Maths centad = sit down to think about ideas, thought of ideas, finish report in a few hours o.o. But as long as there's no inspiration for ideas it can last for months. Science centad = go back lab every other day to do experiment and ensure that there's some form of results + application so that people will be more interested to learn about it. So now stuck at applications, slowly do...dam going to be christmas soon. Despite being a free-thinker-tending-towards-atheism, christmas can be celebrated not for its religious meanings but for its festive mood.
Other than that, ISYF experiment was ok, except now I'm afraid that it might be too boring for them since some of the experiments were probably done by high school people during sabbaticals. Hopefully they won't get bored :/
Due to the fact that I've not been going out often, there's no 'social experiment' going on. Except that I get to know (the obvious) that to get someone to trust you more you have to show more care and concern. Only thing is I chose to be extra caring only to some people. Also, an interference between 2 different tiers have serious consequences, if you get what I mean.

Philosophy of an insecure person

I have many flaws. One of them is perhaps my insecurity towards things. Even when I have confidence with someone, with something, sometimes I tend to feel as though that feeling of confidence was not backed by enough evidence. Yes, I am a person who needs a source of evidence to prove to me that something exist, before I can believe it. Sorry about that, I've been trying to prove to myself the existence of many, though sometimes the feelings would get back when no one's around.
我就是这样，没有牵挂时过得也不错，一有牵挂就必须得到认可才能够快乐。牵挂总是牵挂，不是轻易能够解除的，也不是轻易就想解除的。最害怕的，是得到信赖的人的拒绝。很傻吧？
On a side note, saying nites to ppl going to sleep has a ... special feeling. Hence, nites :)

thursday night musing

Doing holiday homework for these few days, finished maths holiday revision, moving on to I&I (which is not very enjoyable because of the AQs)
On the other hand, reading this book called 'The God Delusion'. Rather interesting book by Richard Dawkins about why is there no god (and rebutting arguments for why is there god).
mmmm shall think of more stuff to write when I have the brain for it. Other than that I've been dying to go out, otherwise I would lose the interest to do so :/
Ah after thinking for a long time I feel that there are people whom I will always want to be with, and want to protect.
Why do I always get teased for the correct stuff D:

Satori

I tend to find things to learn from regardless of what game I play. That's one of the ways how I generate random knowledge anyways.
So Satori is a youkai in touhou 11 subterranean animism, who lived in an underground mansion with her pets and a lot of spirits.

Anyways here's a picture of what she looks like. Now before you ask questions like 'WHY IS THERE AN EYE AT HER HEART' or 'what are the funny strings around her body', I shall do the explaining.
Satori is a satori (lol), if you search on wikipedia a satori (觉) is a creature in Japanese folklore that has the ability to read human thoughts. So in the game it's actually quite boring cus she would just copy spellcards of people you've fought before (except it's noober and actually have blind spots, yukari ftw).
Other than that, people might wonder 'zomg mind reading so cool so powerful.'
That is exactly what I want to talk about, mind reading. Or put in a more realistic term, the skill to read people's personality and understand their motives in doing things. To tell the truth if there's such an ability as mind reading it would be absolute bullshit, and absolute low tier.
At a first glance mind reading seems to be very useful. You get to know what others are thinking, thus you are able to receive direct information as to their inner world and act according to what suits the situation the best. However, sooner or later you would find yourself to be hated and feared by everyone, despite (sometimes) not doing anything wrong. The thing about humans is that they tend to be insecure, and that they always have something in them that they want to hide. If there is a person who is able to read these things that people want to hide, even if it is unintentional, out of kindness, completely harmless, people will feel insecure, bare.
Put this into the real world, there are people around who have very keen reading abilities, so they tend to grasp people's personalities and how they act very easily. These people tend to utilise their skills in achieving what they want to achieve, they become what other people called 'a manipulator'. Ah he would get avoided as much as possible, but would still get some people who are forced to work with (or for) him. Main thing is it's hard to make friends that way.
Hence poor Satori lived underground with almost no friends except her pets and her younger sister. And btw she uses her eye to read people's thoughts so that explains the weird eye.

我又没有很想你

Just found this on the web, so epic and so 一针见血. Maybe it happens to a lot of people.
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我又没有很想你，
我只是在早上醒来的时候，看看手机，有没有你发来的信息，有没有你的未接电话。

我又没有很想你，
我只是在开电脑的时候，第一个跑去你的Facebook，看看你今天是不是有更新。

我又没有很想你，
我只是在聊天的时候，打开你的对话框，看着你的头像，或者重温一下以前的记录。

我又没有很想你，
我只是把你的来电调成唯一的铃声，放在我身边，并时不时的看看是否自动关机，是否信号良好。

我又没有很想你，
我只是在和朋友的聊天中，不厌其烦的提起你，讲那些也许他们早已烂熟于心的事情。

我又没有很想你，
我只是在吃小吃的时候，想如果你能和我一起吃，那该是多幸福的事。

我又没有很想你，
我只是在听歌的时候，偶尔会被某句歌词击中，脑中出现短暂的空白。

我又没有很想你，
我只是想看看你的样子，听听你的声音。

我又没有很想你，
我只是在别人无意提起你时，愣在那里，不知道答话。

我又没有很想你，
我只是在睡前紧握着手机，等待着你的情话。

我又没有很想你，
我只是睡不着的时候，想想你，但是，我不知道，我是因为睡不着而想你，还是因为想你而睡不着。

我又没有很想你，
我只是在每次醒来的时候，第一个想到你……

我又没有很想你，
那你呢？

If not for that 4th last paragraph this whole chunk of words can be the perfect symptom of being in love. Alternatively for people having a crush also can. So sappy hopeless romantic bleeding heart perfect (other half). Yes esther I'm addicted to that phrase LOL. :P

Ten

Whenever I write something abstract, I always find some kind of link to my real life. Whether it is my personal experience, or what I see happened to others, it all can be included into an abstract writing, because no one can be really sure of who I am referring.

Ten Little Soldiers

Ten little soldiers went out to dine

One left for his favourite drink and then there were nine.

Nine little soldiers going home late

One stayed to watch a match and then there were eight

Eight little soldiers thinking of their talent

One overslept himself and then there were seven

Seven little soldiers loading away bricks

One overworked himself and then there were six

Six little soldiers trying to stay alive

One ate too many sweets and then there were five

Five little soldiers feeling so small

One distanced himself and then there were four

Four little soldiers keeping themselves free

One got trapped in the church and then there were three

Three little soldiers have nothing to lose

One got lost in the maze of love and then there were two

Two little soldiers sitting side by side

The wind blew one away and then there was one

One little soldier sitting all alone

He followed where his heart went and then will there be none?

Nvm you can assume that I'm rubbishing around. Actually I don't even get what I'm writing o.o blah I'm not used to writing english poetry at all.

holiday plan

You want me to set a holiday plan? Fine. You always think that if I don't do any extra mugging I would fail all my subjects next year? Fine. You think that my centad is basically a waste of time? Fine.
So here is my holiday plan.
29/11 - maths integration, vectors
30/11 - isyf dry run, centad - watermelon peel
1/12 - centad - sunscreen, chem planning exercise (2)
2/12 - maths sequences and series, binomial, maclaurins
3/12 - noel
4/12 - i&i 1, 5, 6.
5/12 - centad - dunno what to do, research first
6/12 - centad - refer to above
7/12 - i&i 8, 10, 12
8/12 - badminton with gc
9/12 - i&i 14, 15, 16
10/12 - ssrc investiture
11/12 - i&i 17, 18
12/12 - bio bacteria tutorial
13/12 onwards - mug econs, mug bio, mug chem, mug maths. include slots for outings.
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If you want me to set a holiday plan, and follow it, and disallow me to play com from monday to thursday, and want me to revise all my topics this year, fine. You will definitely see my negative feedback.
Seriously, what holidays?
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it's times like this when i wan to talk to you..

regarding chemo (again)

This shall be the second last post regarding chemo (the last post comes when the results for chemo comes out).
First of all guys / girls, I'm not (that) emo anymore! Thanks for your concern these few days. I shall now tell you a story about what is fanyi thinking throughout this while.
After taking chemo round 1, he had this strong feeling that he cannot make it for round 2, because of the sheer amount of physical chem that came out and how unprepared he was. Hence he decided to joke around about his 人品 which seemed to have gotten the discussed questions correctly. Then he decided to go back to school to find his centad mate and other people instead of stoning at home and sleep.
Throughout the few days he was hoping that he could actually get into round 2, and thus made the vow to bang his head against the wall if he did. But of course, no matter how 人品 you are you can't just rubbish past round 1, and hence he did not get into round 2, although he might call it 人品 to know the result before everyone else because he bumped into Dr Tan on his way home and thus had time to think what to do next.
He knew that by the time he reached home most of the chemo people would have known the result already, so as a form of consoling himself, he decided to stone in front of the com and see how many people would come and comfort him about chemo.
And yup, the sms did came, and so did people ask if he's ok on msn. Yes, he had predicted correctly the people as well, and yes, he decided that it's useless to emo over something that was already over. Thus he decided to have good sportsmanship and loaned his 人品 to gc who qualified for round 2, and of course wished that the 人品 did help.
And then he went out for all the outings and stuff to make himself feel better, and resolve to work hard by doing his holiday homework + do centad properly and read books. And he needs a negative feedback of hugs which was not possible for outings obviously. rawr stupid.
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Anyways that summarised what happened for the past week.
Thank you my friends for your comfort after chemo (insert glass breaking sound here): (in chronological order)
chingy, jingyi, gc, domi, wabo, esther, rayray, thamsy, baoxian.
Nah I won't die or undergo random transformations so no worries. Btw baoxian u dun need to feel guilty or anything la, it proves that you have good practice and skills for chemo :)
ps. I learnt how to shuffle woots. Maybe by next year body wave and shuffling would become my trademark o.o

Class outing

4S1 2010!
Had dinner with our maths teacher Mr Lee, who was my maths teacher for 2 years. He's going off to New Zealand for quite a long time, so enjoy your trip Mr Lee! You are my awesome maths teacher who add humour to class life.
It's a rare opportunity that many of our classmates can get together for outing again. One main reason is probably because the class is not very bonded during the sec 3 and 4 years, hence there's not anyone who bothers to organise a class activity when he feels that probably quite a number of people are not going.
Well maybe JC life had some kind of change on us, made us more open? I can still see groups of people forming together during the dinner, but I guess the early sitting sort of forced them to sit with the rest of the classmates.
Hmm, seems that I'm a rather greedy person. Keep having this feeling that I haven't spent enough time with my friends, then somehow they are all rather busy. Haiz see how bah, everyone should be freer after uh, 20? dam that's like almost christamas already then not free again zzzzzzzz. NVM I SHALL FIND TIME.
For me, one good way to see if I have a crush for someone is when that person's name is mentioned, my heart gets an instant jolt.

feeling

I can feel it. If I put in enough effort, and if you have positive response, we can get very close.
Time to reduce the stretched distance caused by 2 years of stupidity.

melancholy of an unrequited love

藕断丝连。
拉得特别长，可是还是没断。就算被拉得很久，可能风吹雨打，可能会断几根，不过大多数的丝依然牢牢地把两根藕连在一起。
好神奇哦。

legacy of a chem 'god'?

Most people should already know with all the announcing on facebook.
Chemo round 1 result was out, as expected I did not get into round 2. Although I say as expected, it's still rather depressing when facing the reality. I would say the emo-ness comes in waves, depending on how my emotions go the waves can be strong or weak, see how long it takes for it to go off bah. Hope I can at least get a bronze.
It's comforting to read the sms from you and you, telling me not to be sad for chemo. Maybe the rest of the people think I'm still in emo stage and would snap if anything was mentioned, and that if it was mentioned afterwards it would reopen the wounds.
And to rayray, jiayou for your see^2 for the next two days. You look ... worse than usual I guess.

What is a friend?

Based on a real event: (shared by my dad from the net)
One night a man received a phone call from one of his friend. This friend is only considered as a normal friend, not especially a close one, so the man was surprised when his friend asked if he could lend him $100,000 which he would return one month later.
The man wanted to refuse, considering that he doesn't really treat this friend of his as close, so he's not too sure about loaning such a big sum of money to him. However, upon thinking that since this friend would call him to ask him for this loan, it would mean he has deep enough trust in him.
So after saying he would need a few minutes to think, he called back and agreed to the loan.
One month later, the friend really returned the $100,000 and thanked him for his goodwill. Out of curiosity, the man asked, "I don't really treat you as a close friend, why have you thought of asking me for the loan?"
The friend answered, "You are not the first person that I asked. I have called 9 other people in descending order of how close I see them as, from the one whom I thought was my closest friend until the ninth, and all of them refused. You are the tenth person that I've contacted."
The man was surprised by this answer. He then followed this friend's example and called or messaged his closest friends and asked for a loan of $100,000 (a sum he was sure that they have but will be a rather large sum of money) and will return in a month. He also called according to how close his friends are to him, and the first ten refused him again. Most of the replies include tight with money, need to save money for child's university fees, just lent to someone else.
.
.
The obvious moral of the story is "don't put people who only know how to have fun with you, or work together to solve small problems with you, as your close friends. True friends are the one who have great trust in your responsibility, and are always willing to help."
However, it is of course sensible to argue that 1. closeness of friendship is not only dependent on whether they would lend you a large sum of money in times of need 2. some of your friends may really have their own problems at the moment.
What my dad wanted to say would probably be that it is still a measure of how close someone feels towards you, because by agreeing to lending the large sum of money to you (and assuming this large sum is considered large to the friend himself as well) when they heard that you need help financially, they trust that you are and will be responsible with this sum of money, that you really need help, and that by lending you the sum of money they are helping the best they can (otherwise you would have said otherwise).
My mom's argument is that lending money is not the only measure of friendship, and that friends should be open with what problems they have before they ask for help (in the story this friend did not clearly state why he need the money for). (we ignore other stuff such as fear of phone scams etc that makes the topic digress)
I would probably agree with my dad more, but I guess my mom's point of view is necessary in order to ensure survival in this world. Haiz, why can't the world be less complicated so that I can enjoy being a nice guy (not that I don't but thinking about my future I think being a nice guy would require 人品 in order to survive)

evolve

You decided to evolve to be a different person. For that tens of minutes I feel as though you just killed a part of you and replaced it with a new version of yourself, like losing a part of you.
Maybe I would have cried if I could, but I guess that's just part of my selfish desire, and it's your way to make yourself happy :)
So yeah, jy with your way of improvement, shall see (or is it feel?) the change that's going to come. But other than that, still close friends yeah? Haha I would probably change a way of treating you, but that depends on how much change I see in you first.

scho made me realised how noob I am

The questions are 80% physical chem. Organic chem was fairly simple but seriously 80% physical chem is abit the anti-fanyi.
As I betted with gc, if I get into round 2 I shall 撞墙. Shows how hopeless / desperate I feel.
My emo at my failure does not come in sharp peaks like mountain, but slow expanding waves like water. Wave after wave, maybe the busy next week can ease it.
Needs someone to hug now >.<

the day before chemo and I suddenly need someone to comfort me :(
Gonna fail tmr wahhhhh.

JIAYOU FOR CHEMO TMR PPL.
*goes off mugging*

banana

My aunt used to joke that my grandma dunno how to enjoy life. She gave this interesting analogy: My grandma buys bananas, and in a bunch of bananas there's always the unripe ones, the ripe ones and the overripe ones. So my grandma would always eat the overripe ones because if you don't eat them they would become rotten right? But as she is eating the overripe ones, the ripe ones started to turn overripe and the unripe ones start to ripen. And by the time she finished the overripe bananas, the once ripe bananas are now overripe, and she has to eat the new overripe bananas again. The cycle continues and she came to realise that she's always eating overripe bananas.
What's the moral of the story? Sometimes we focus too much on resolving bullshit problems that suddenly came out from nowhere to ninja you, that we forgot to appreciate all the enjoyable events that's happening at the same time. And when you finished with dealing the previous problems there will always be new problems that somehow arrive, so sometimes you find yourself always occupied with rubbish. And the more you spend your time and effort in resolving these problems, the less time you have to enjoy other things.
Life is not all about overripe bananas you know. Sometimes, you need to let some overripe bananas rot so you have time to enjoy the ripe ones.
But ah well, I've been eating too many ripe bananas that the rotten ones are going back to kill me. Oh no.
MUG CHEMO MUG CHEMO MUG CHEMO MUG CHEMO MUG CHEMO NUUUUU IM ONLY AT ALKYL HALIDES I STILL NEED TO MUG PHYSICAL CHEM IM GOING TO DIE D:

reading message history and laughing at how cute we were haha. :P

men talk

Enjoyed spending that 1.5 hours talking although the topic is not really fun and enjoyable.
Anyways the mass convo made me realise how 1. I am lucky 2. I have no secrets 3. I am pro (to a certain extend) 4. Other people are relatively more aggressive than me (barring domi)
Most of the stuff that was discussed I already had some kind of understanding beforehand, except it was not blatantly put across. Well at least now I know that many of us thought the same way about specific group of people, and that I'm not the only one with the 'not so nice' thoughts about people sometimes. Everyone else can be skeptical.
Kind of liked this mass convo, although it was not fun and laughter throughout, the feeling that we get to share with each other about some of our private thoughts was nice.
.
Awww you mean if I confessed to you in person you would hug me? 早知如此 rofl. ah nvm randoming around.

fear

I feel as though there's a lack of mutual care between us. Yeah I know it was over long long time ago, but you know I still want to be someone more than a friend and less than a lover.
Maybe I'm over-thinking.
Oh, don't overwork yourself. Looks as though you went to sleep the moment you reach home or something lol.

bday

Happy birthday rayray!
You should give yourself a birthday gift by sleeping early today or something lololol.
Nvm the rest of the stuff can be said to you face-to-face / msn

summation

After this week I would do a facebook status.
'Like this status and I will tell you:
1. How we met.
2. What's my first impression of you.
3. What's my current impression of you.
4. One thing I like about you.
5. One thing I dislike about you.
6. Most memorable time with you.
7. Any other things I would like to say to you.'
That would be the summation of my JC1 life: friendship.
I would say I spent most of my time this year making new friends, making old friends (yes old friends), strengthening existing relationships. Explains my grades and stuff such as coming chem o. mmm mug bah.

boundary between logic and emotion

I would say I tend towards the emotional side instead of the logical side most of the time. Hence it's strange how I ended up in a science class. (Writing this and thinking that it seems possible to prove that emotions are logical, but NVM shall dao that)
Hmm maybe that's why I'm so easygoing with life, easygoing with situations, easygoing with work. If I find no emotional need to do something I would probably treat it lightly. (Since logic no longer applies to how I work, stuff like personal benefit seems to be off flying in lala land.) That makes me 'noob' in a lot of senses, and incapable in a lot of ways. But other than that it makes me unpredictable? (debatable point again)
Also, that would mean I most likely was not thinking about any form of benefit when helping others. Not in the form of respect, reciprocity, fame that is. Which means if I'm helping you, it would either mean that I see you as just another person who is going to feed on my easygoing-ness (and hence dao that fact and continue let you feeding off me), or that I'm seeing you as a good friend and enjoy helping you. Good thing is most of the time people can't differentiate the two just by working with me, but my other actions should be able to show how I treat you already.
And that's probably why I suck at coming up with solutions, which is one of the most important skills in surviving in this world. Theories about life don't interest me to the extend that I would apply them, although it's interesting to listen to other people's view on how to live through life. Whether or not I would change my view towards life would depend on whether I feel like it lol.
Emoing without solution is ng.
.
Scaring people with random video on facebook just before they sleep. Oh no everyone actually thought I'm actually posting a touching video?! Ooops.

stress

fk this 6.5 hours of sleep in 2 days is killing me. -.-
and I still have more pw tonight. screw la tmr chemo shall go rubbish around, as long as I dun fall asleep while doing prac or do something stupid like spilling organic wastes everywhere can already.
And still need to find time to meet centad mentors :(
This week is horrible.
.
On a side note, I don't want you to escape and move to somewhere else.

isyf camp

What happened is expected, bond ISYF facilitators, give them a view of boarding school life (and its horrible food), discuss and plan for ISYF as a whole.
Nothing of exceptional interest happened, except that midnight to near dawn period of epicness in rayray and johnny's room. Let's say that everyone was joking around.
And I was super powerful cus I highed my way through the whole camp period, stayed all the way till 5.15 am to wake rayray up, then quickly go and sleep for 1.5 hours, attend morning discussion, go home, chiong finish pw video, sleep for another 2 hours, chiong for cca outing, slack slack slack slack, come back and continue editing pw.
Oh met domi's whole family at east coast park today. surprise!
If one thing some ppl could see from my behaviour during the camp is that I fulfill promises. Zomg from 4.30 am onward coca cola lost its ability to keep me awake and hence I have to resort to xmmbtg. Then in the end rayray woke up and slept again -.-

sadface

Based on the results that are already released on ISP. (For those who wish to remain in temporal bliss pretend that you did not see this.)
Shows that I've being rubbishing around for the entire year. And from how my dad's response of 'I don't want to talk to you about this for the next 2 days' I suppose he's very unhappy with my score (and how I treated the exams this year)
Another thing is about PW. It's like everyday I'm just so tired, and others can see that a certain class seems to be late for lessons more frequently (miss maths tutorial by 30 min, miss maths lecture by 20 min). PW makes everyone so tense.
Well I've already know that throughout the year I was not hardworking enough, so this kind of score was pretty expected. (Like if I can actually do well after slacking off so much I would lol already.)
This makes me think about chemo, which is quite soon.
As I did the scho questions, I realised I've been circling almost all the questions on organic chem, and then physical chem is basically gg. Basically anything that is not inorg chem is gg, unless I was lucky and guessed the correct answer.

Being a fanyi version 2.00

The first time I defined what is being a Fanyi was last year. This year the definitions are going to have a bit of changes! Like I want to have positive attributes inside other than joke attributes leh.
I shall decide on 35 definitions of a Fanyi first, then maybe it slowly expands later. Compiled from other people's responses.
1. He believes that the chinese for benzene is 笨.
2. He is a bitch. (ie. fluorine)
3. He is frequently CuI. ie. he tends to fail in doing a lot of things, or screws up, or becomes careless.
4. He mugs the periodic table.
5. He mugs the pokedex more than the periodic table.
6. He is probably a lolicon.
7. He is a bad influence.
8. He flirts with chinese teachers.
9. He flirts with girls. <---- o.o!
10. He has a girl's scream (sometimes worse)
11. He wears a black / white / blue jacket / sweater. The white one is his lab coat, the black one is his nitride coating, the blue one is the snuggly one :D
12. He is a masochist.
13. He plays a certain fighting game commonly known as XMMBTG.
14. He does body waves! (like a worm)
15. He has high tendency to destroy things.
16. He gays with people.
17. He likes hugging.
18. He is openly secretive.
19. He is very spas when with a group of people but quite different when talking to people 1 on 1.
20. He doesn't care much about his studies (ok maybe he does but not that much), but is very conscious about his friendship.
21. Hence he tends to get insecure easily.
22. He treats his friendship very seriously.
23.

I should leave it at here until I get more info o.o

Took 156 home today.
Fall asleep and woke up at where I should alight.
I quickly rushed from the back to get off the bus, and for a moment I was face to face with someone wearing the same uniform. I have the feeling that I've met the person before, but the face is not familiar to me.
Feels as though I missed someone important.

joy of stoning

Other than talking to people on msn about stuff, stoning seems to be a good way of companionship when there's no other ways of companionship at the moment.
Hence, I enjoy sitting beside you, and you, and you, and you. Let me think did I leave out anyone else. Yeah should be it.

promise?

Maybe I should attempt the impossible, and take that gigantic risk to ask for a truthful opinion.
It's risky because we are not that close. It's risky because it involves more than just me and the person, but others whom I'm concerned about.
But I feel like taking the risk because it produces results, whether good or bad. Maybe result is better than nothing.
The talk about relationships today was rather interesting, makes me think of whether there can be the 'best friend' relationship between a guy and a girl. I still believe in that kind of 'best friend' relationship, except that it is not happening to me at the moment so it's just hypothetical..

Forbidden Love

Just watched The Sorcerer and the White Snake. It's based off a chinese legend 白蛇传, which is about a thousand year old white snake that fall in love with a human, and how she was captured and sealed off by a monk because love between a youkai and a human is forbidden.
This plot is somewhat similar to the disney film Little Mermaid, except that it's happy ending for Little Mermaid's case. Once again it touches upon the topic of the supposed 'forbidden' love.
Makes me wonder why is there still forbidden love in the societies of today. For example, love between siblings, love between the same gender.
The most logical explanation I can think of, other than 'it's disgusting / weird / not normal' which is not at all a logical explanation, is that it is not beneficial to the society as a whole in terms of evolution. I'm ignoring religious reasons btw.
Firstly, offspring produced by people who are genetically related (at most by a few generations) have a higher chance of suffering from genetic diseases or disabilities, so it is harmful to the society as there will be more people who needs other people's care. So maybe that's one of the reasons why societies are so against things like incest.
Secondly, for love between the same gender, it's probably because there can't be any offspring so it is a waste of gene pools. It's like if there's a person who is very talented at certain areas, but does not (or refuses to) have any child, it's kind of like a waste of his genes because they can't be passed down.
So it seems to me as though ultimately society chooses what a person wants and can do. The only reason why homosexuality seems more accepted than incest is because no child is better than mentally retarded child?
Maybe there are other logical reasons which I never find yet, because I don't really believe that 'it's disgusting / weird' can be considered as a good reason, because it's up to a person's taste. And one should not impose his own taste onto others right? Although it is true that most people use that as their personal reason for denouncing such behaviours, because others should not impose their personal opinion onto them as well. Ok now I'm confused >.<
Well it's probably cus I'm rather open to influence so I've seen all sorts of things already.
mmm maybe when man tasted the forbidden fruit, there's a forbidden forbidden fruit somewhere that makes him experience forbidden love. oh wow.

emotions of

I think my blog is probably a bit too public for comfort, to reveal about certain emotions.
I would try to be optimistic, but I suppose I tend towards the pessimistic side more often, so here goes.
If everyone's life has to have a purpose, I might have found one. But I think one purpose in life is not enough, it makes life boring, and it makes it not worth looking forward to. So I started looking for more purposes in life, to make it interesting, to make myself hopeful.
I have to confess here that my way of treating situations, and treat people, is a lot more emotional than logical. As a matter of fact I don't have much theories about life, nothing much to propose about, nothing much to contribute to people's way of thinking. My primary source of happiness comes from the emotional fulfillment I receive. That's why, I get lonely easily. It used to be easy to drive away the loneliness, but I realised I get affected by other people's negative emotions more and more easily. It's harder to forget about the loneliness that I have.
To drive away this loneliness, I came up with my own way of resolving - attaching myself to more people, to make myself ... worthy. That's why, I live for others. I live for others so that they can live.
You see me as a very spas person in a group of people, joking or being the joke, or taking part in a joke.
But when alone, especially on nights when I cannot sleep, I always think.
Who am I to you?
To you?
And you?
And you?
What about you?
What do you see in me? What I am good at? Why are we friends, not strangers?
Grades? Certain subject? Useful to have around? Bully target? Someone good to make use of?
I want to know, but I don't want to know. I don't want to face the reality where everyone is deemed selfish, favouring their own benefits before they benefit others. I want to live in a fairy tale, where the world is an utopia, where maybe the loneliness would go away.
Give me a reason, and I would sweep everything aside, for you.
Maybe, my care is not shown at all. Maybe...

the final struggle. or is it the final blow?

sometimes

sometimes I wish I can teleport, so that I can be with my friends when they need company.

Chemical of the Day - Fluorine

I didn't really want to do this chemical / element cus it's too bitchy. Yes take that fluorine is a bitch.
The thing about fluorine is that although it is in the same group as chlorine and friends, its chemical behaviour is the very extreme big brother type.
Simply put, spray a puff of fluorine on almost anything and it will burst into flames.
Never mind, moving on to more important things about fluorine, apart from how much of a bitch it is of course.
Name: Fluorine (teh bitch)
Formula: F2 (exists as diatomic molecule)
Phase at room temperature: Pale yellow gas (almost colourless unless concentrated)
Oxidation states: 0 (as F2), -1 (as everything else)

Reactions: something wonderful known as oxidising anything that it dislikes (which is basically almost anything)
Anyways, fluorine, being the most electronegative element of the periodic table based on one type of definition, is able to oxidise many objects. Fluorine in the form of F2 is very reactive due to its weak F-F bond, and of course its high tendency to gain 1 electron from other compounds to attain F-.

Inorganic:
Reaction between fluorine and an element usually brings its oxidation number to the highest number.
Fluorine is able to form ionic fluoride with all metals (except beryllium which is an equal bitch)
Solubility of metal fluorides are generally different from solubility of its respective chlorides and and bromides. (except for group 1 salts, since they are all soluble.)
For example, group 2 fluorides are generally insoluble, while their respective chlorides and bromides are all soluble. (As a matter of fact calcium chloride is so soluble that it absorbs moisture from the air)
Silver fluoride is soluble. (compare with silver chloride and the rest)
As number of fluorides present increases, solubility decreases.
While metal trifluorides and below are ionic solids, metal pentafluorides and above are volatile molecules. Metal tetrafluorides is the borderline, as ZrF4 is an ionic solid while GeF4 is a gas.
Gaseous fluorine can basically displace any less electronegative element which is the more electronegative element bonded to a compound. For example it displaces oxygen from water to form HF and O2.
It can react with noble gases below neon to form stable compounds. Examples are XeF4, HArF, RnF2.

Organic:
The main organic thing about fluorine is that it forms the strongest covalent bond in organic chemistry, ie the C-F bond. It is able to replace the hydrogen in hydrocarbons even at room temperature, forming C-F bonds as long as there is enough hydrogen / fluorine.
Other than that there's not much interesting things fluorine can do to organic compounds. I mean like it only rapes away hydrogen and more hydrogen. Oh, one of its compound, polyfluoroethene aka teflon, is the only material that a gecko cannot stick to. No prize at guessing what's it used for.

Uses:
Used as a fluorinating agent (surprise!) to produce other fluorine containing compounds, which are usually useful, such as hydrofluoric acid, teflon and other substances used as protective materials, because usually a fluorine something bond is very stable.

Other stuff:
Fluorine has noob F-F bond due to small size of atom resulting in repulsion between the atoms, causing the bond to be weaker as compared to say Cl-Cl.
Fluorine is the 13th most abundant element on earth! How lucky!
Fluorine has the highest first IE barring the other 2 noble gases.

Ok now gc will talk about random dota trivia. (wut)

Bridge

This is a follow-up to wabo's facebook status yesterday:
Life is like a game of bridge, the hand dealt to you is like your fate, but how you play it, that's your game.
Largely true statement, you can find application to daily life yourself.
From what I see, there are 5 types of playing style for bridge:
1. The confident ones. They count the tricks they can take carefully, push up contracts, and with a certain level of luck and skill, they make the contract. This type of people are very ambitious people, and tend to think a lot about problems, way before other people did.
2. The careful ones. They only count the tricks they can take by themselves, and hope that with a lucky partner they can make the contract. Hence their bid is usually small, but for them they are quite certain a small contract will usually make very easily. This type of people are probably more common in the environment I live in.
3. The dummy. Their hand is not for bidding, they only bid something to show support. (Instead of being a fanyi and double to show strong in hearts) And if they are lucky they get called by the bidder and they make the contract. If they are unlucky the bidder call the wrong person then gg. It's as though their life is dependent on another person's actions. I feel like I might be such a person to a certain extend.
4. The bid pumper. Their hand is not for bidding, they only pump the bid so as to make the person who is bidding have a higher chance of failure. They don't win by counting how many they can win, they win by counting how many the opponent will lose. In this sense their success depends on other people's failure. Ah I don't see such bad people around, maybe there are but I never meet one before.
5. The terrorist. They are the kind of people who know that they would definitely not win, and hence calls something like 7NT and partner 2 of diamond so as to screw up the game and have everyone get new cards. I don't really see any people nowadays acting like a terrorist cus it's dam retarded, uh maybe except real terrorists.
Of course there are many other types of people not included in these 5 types, but I suppose the general 5 found in bridge are these 5?
Coming to think of it, I still never play online mahjong with wabo domi and they all -.-

Chemical of the Day - Potassium Manganate (VII)

Somehow gc likes easy chemicals o.o maybe we start with easy stuff and move to hardcore mugging later. Potassium manganate (VII) or potassium permanganate is interesting in the sense that the manganese is existing as +7 charge in the compound, which is quite rare even among transition metals, since the maximum oxidation number that an element can exhibit is +8 (which is super rare because most elements will not tend to lose all its 8 electrons)
And seeing that the Mn lost so many electrons, it is quite expected that it would want to gain back some electrons when undergoing chemical reactions. Hence KMnO4 is a strong oxidising agent.


Formula: KMnO4


Appearance: Purple-gray crystals. Purple to magenta solution.
Structure: Giant ionic lattice


Solubility: 6.38g / 100 ml (noober than phenol rofl)


Preparation: (you need a pikachu electricity to do this)
First MnO2 is fused with KOH and heated with a source of oxygen, such as KNO3 or KClO3. This gives K2MnO4 as the product. After which electrolytic oxidation in an alkaline medium would produce KMnO4.
2 MnO₂ + 4 KOH + O₂ → 2 K₂MnO₄ + 2 H₂O
2 MnO₄^2– + Cl₂ → 2 MnO₄^– + 2 Cl^–


Uses:
Inorganic: Used as a standard solution for redox titration in quantitative analysis of reducing agent, such as finding out how much or how concentrated a solution of ascorbic acid is. In this case KMnO4 can undergo 2 types of reduction, first in an acidic medium and second in a non-acidic medium.
In acidic medium:
MnO4- + 8H+ + 5e- -> Mn2+ + 4H2O
In non-acidic medium:
MnO4- + 2H2O + 3e- -> MnO2 + 4OH-
Hence in acidic medium the purple colour will fade to very pale pink (almost colourless), while in non-acidic medium the purple colour will turn to a brown precipitate.


Organic: Used as an oxidising agent to oxidise many organic compounds.
Dilute solution of KMnO4 can oxidise alkenes to diols.
Acidic solution of KMnO4 can cleave (切) C=C bond to form either CO2 & H2O, carboxylic acid or ketone.
CH₃(CH₂)₁₇CH=CH₂ + 2 KMnO₄ + 3 H₂SO₄ → CH₃(CH₂)₁₇COOH + CO₂ + 4 H₂O + K₂SO₄ + 2 MnSO₄
It can oxidise aldehyde to carboxylic acid.
5 C₆H₁₃CHO + 2 KMnO₄ + 3 H₂SO₄ → 5 C₆H₁₃COOH + 3 H₂O + K₂SO₄ + 2 MnSO₄
It can even oxidise alkyl groups on a benzene ring. For example it oxidises toluene to benzoic acid.
5 C₆H₅CH₃ + 6 KMnO₄ + 9 H₂SO₄ → 5 C₆H₅COOH + 14 H₂O + 2 K₂SO₄ + 6 MnSO₄

Other stuff:
It can be used as an antiseptic and disinfectant due to its oxidising nature. (Hence you can buy it from Guardian in dilute solutions meant for treating cuts and stuff)
Reaction of solild KMnO4 with pure glycerol or simple alcohols result in violent combustion.
Reaction with conc H2SO4 produces Mn2O7, which (unsurprisingly) explodes due to instability.
Can rapidly stain any organic material, thought it can be cleaned by washing with a reducing agent (such as ascorbic acid)
Used in banana shipments to absorb the ethene produced by ripening bananas to lengthen their ripening time (wow).

Ok now gc can go and do cyclohexane.

mood swing

Mugging for promos somehow gives me a lousy mood. Once again I wasted 3 hours on the com for nothing. I don't even know what the hell did I do and then my parents tell me it's time to get off. Maybe my body is complaining about a lack of gaming with humans instead of ai and so until the negative feedback can apply itself and adjust situations I would remain in that lousy mood.
And I get pissed dam easily now. Lol I think I might as well scream at my internet for not loading the anime properly o.o
Ah well watch anime.

Chemical of the Day - Copper iodide

Ok I shall start off with the chemical of the day then.
So today's chemical is copper (I) iodide.
Some may wonder why it is not copper (II) iodide which is usually the preferred oxidation state for copper.
Nvm wikipedia says nothing about why copper (I) iodide is more stable than copper (II) iodide. My guess would be due to steric strain between the iodide ion and copper ion, since iodine is much larger, so the ionic lattice would be strained.

Formula: CuI

Appearance: white powder (pure). brownish (impure)

Structure: Giant ionic lattice

Ksp: 1 x 10^-12

Preparation: Heating of iodine and copper in concentrated HI,
Addition of KI to a soluble copper salt such as CuSO4. The product formed is CuI2, which decomposes immediately to CuI and I2.
Hence if given an unknown X, which is mixed with KI and then CCl4 is added, if a purple layer is seen with a white powder, it can be quite confirmed that X contains Cu2+, since CuI2 decomposes immediately to give CuI (white powder) and I2 (dissolves to give purple colour in CCl4)

Uses: Organometallic coupling. CuI is one of the reagents required for the synthesis of the Gilman reagent. What this reagent can do is to replace the halide group on a haloalkane with another R group. It is prepared by reaction of an organolithium compound with CuI with diethyl ether as solvent.
2CH3Li + CuI -> (CH3)2CuLi + LiI
In this case the (CH3)2CuLi is the Gilman reagent. Of course the R group bonded to the copper can be changed to other substituent other than methyl group. Gilman reagent can react with haloalkanes as follows:
(CH3)2CuLi + CH3(CH2)8CH2I -> CH3(CH2)8CH2CH3 + LiI + CH3Cu
As can be seen from the reaction, one of the CH3 groups in the Gilman reagent substituted the I from the haloalkane forming a larger alkane as the main product. This reaction is useful as it forms a C-C bond, thereby making possible preparation of larger molecules from smaller ones. This is even more useful as you can use this reaction to add alkyl groups to a benzene compound as well.
C6H5I (iodobenzene) + (CH3)2CuLi -> C6H5CH3 (toluene) + CH3Cu + LiI.

Other info: Used for cloud seeding. Used to detect Hg, upon addition of CuI to Hg, copper tetraiodomercurate is formed which turns the white powder brown. Soluble in concentrated KI to give [CuI2]-

Now gc can go and do phenol. lol.

Chemical of the day

Somehow gc and I decided that we are going to alternate around with posts known as 'Chemical of the Day', so that random people who might be from chem o (not likely) and coincidentally came to my blog or his blog can get more info for his or her chem o work.
Aww I had wanted to post retarded compounds to 巨魔 people but unfortunately I have to do the greater good hence need to give correct info.
So it's highly likely that gc would do all the organic compound while I do the inorganic compounds. Maybe I shall start with inorganic QA mmm.
Shall sleep first and hope I can get A for maths class test tmr so my overall class test score is not that rubbish.

seemingly nice people are not so nice in my eyes. different points of view can be hurtful to hear.

A kind of sorrowful song. Enjoy while mugging lol.

人

我家有一本书，叫蛇王淘金。很有意义的故事。其中有句很经典的话：蛇不喜欢谁就去咬谁不会为了维持和平而装出喜欢对方的样子，而人类会为了大家的和睦生存而牺牲自己的喜怒哀乐。
We live a tiring life, always wearing a mask to protect ourselves and others. its inevitable, but its kind of sad that sometimes we cant be true to each other, cus we are afraid to, or we dun want to hurt others.
I once tried to pry open a shell. but the owner is probably unwilling, or scared to, or dun find it necessary. Hence we became best frens at having fun. He does not emo before me, but I guess thats a form of friendship too.

purpose

Everyone has a role, a purpose in life. they can be the one to lighten up the mood, to solve problem, to provide company, to give entertainment. I feel that my role is different from the rest. But wats that role? I dunno. There is a difference btwn the role u want to be, and the role people see u as.

Giftedness

Mmm posting this after reading two other people's blog posts about being gifted.
I remember the first time I talked about gifted program with someone else was with gc over msn. The convo went something like:
gc: ok tell me someone whom you think is gifted.
me: uh isaac?
gc: have u seen how much bio books did he read during sec 3 and 4?
me: lol
Nvm the main point is I got pwned into thinking giftedness is so 'common' as to say.

Effort
As of now most of the people that I see are seen as 'gifted' because they have put in a lot of effort into whatever they were doing. It is hard to really see if there are any who is born with a natural edge as compared to other people, so from what I see is that it all comes through hard work.
Hard work since young, continuously doing practices, going through scoldings, extra classes, which laid down that strong foundation. And this foundation allowed many to achieve what we see now. Sometimes it's as though 'gifted' is an excuse made up by people who only see others' achievements but not how much effort they put in behind the scene. So I guess a large portion of giftedness should be attributed to the effort that was put in.

Skill
Though of course I agree different people have different ways of learning, and different levels of understanding the same thing. Hence some tend to get things faster, or able to find easier methods to solve the same problem.
I've got friends who can understand concepts very quickly, who can come up with their own methods of solving problems, who can derive other concepts from one given concept, etc. These are probably something both acquired since young and developed from young as well.

Pro?
Ever since sec 4 I acquired the title of 'chem god' (probably strengthened with SJChO results). The thing is, I'm not gifted in chem either. All the knowledge (or should we say information) I have, I started acquiring since sec 1 and 2. It's like 99% of the library books I borrowed in sec 1 and 2 were about chem, periodic table, blah blah. It's more of I'm like a memory bank that takes in all the information, and use these information when doing problems to sometimes 'cheat' my way out. Other than that my learning speed is probably slower than the more 'pro' people. It's just that I got an early start, after sec 4 I'm on par with most people again, and now I'm slowing down. But I suppose I do get most of the chemistry concepts pretty ok, except the calculations which I need a longer time to digest. Oh, and my 4 year's worth of wikipedia information still gives me that slight edge above many people, though it's getting less and less useful.

Depression
My comment on domi's blog lacks elaboration, so here it is. The first point about depression is that teenagers who are seen as 'gifted' as still developing mentally, physically and also in their analytic skills. Sometimes people see them as very capable in doing work that requires maybe logic, or finding a pattern, and so overestimates their ability. It may be true that gifted people have stronger analytic skills and such, as teenagers these skills are still developing. If others put too much expectations on them, thinking that they can solve a certain problem when they cannot, this will put pressure into the gifted people. That's why they can get frustrated and fall into depression, because they try to meet the expectations of people who overestimates the abilities they are strong in, but not strong enough. It's not about gifted people being overconfident in their own abilities, but more of other people overestimating these people's abilities.
The second point is, yeah, dependent on the type of people that we look at. Those who see things more optimistically and who can take pressure with ease will find comparison with others as a form of healthy competition. Those who are pessimistic about things and succumb to pressure easily will find competition with others very depressing.
.
.
mm that should be enough for a blog post.

the tragedy of happiness

smile! cus in that way even if your heart dies, people will still remember your laughter.

:P

Lol I actually cried while watching Fairy Tail episode 95. Dunno why leh, maybe I'm getting more sensitive to emotional stuff.
Ahh crying felt good. haha. :P

realisations

When people were not told, they thought of things otherwise, because they follow the normal way of thinking, and thus see things as what they appear to be.
When people were told, they come to sudden realisations, as though everything that happened in the past fits perfectly, yet they never thought about it before.
Interesting isn't it, some things remain hidden even when shown to be so obvious, while some which did not exist in the first place were thought to have existed, and thus was expanded upon for no reasons whatsoever.
On the other hand, secretive people are secretive, aren't they?

boundary between action and reaction

Many a times I feel useless for being unable to do anything.
When people confide to you about their problems, most of the times they hope that you can come up with an effective solution for their problems. When you are unable to, they won't feel angry because not everyone can generate solutions so easily, especially problems with regards to human relationships, but they would be, well, disappointed.
That's why I feel useless, because I can't generate solutions to most problems people tell me, probably because my life is so good that I don't face such problems and so don't have the experience.
"I feel sad for you" is not always the response people want to hear. But, that's probably the few responses I can give.
I want the people I like to like me back, so I always try to help as much as I can, or try to meet up to their expectations. I know that I'm supposed to let people like the real side of me, but the real side of me might not always be likable.
One of my greatest weaknesses is that I fear rejection so much that I refuse to face it. I hide away from it, try to cover it up, pretend it's not there, but slowly and surely rejection seeps in, and I'm left standing there with a smile on my face and a hole in my heart. That's why, I seek emotional support more than anything else. I don't care if you cannot come up with a good solution to my problem, I just need to feel that you will always be by my side when I need it. Problems can be solved some time later.
Quoted from gc "The defining characteristics of fanyi is the lack of logic and common sense." Maybe I am, who knows.

inspirations

When people complain that they don't have any good posts because they don't have any inspirations, it might be cause they can't seem to draw it from anywhere. And one of these sources of inspiration is other people's blogs. And so if no one posted anything no one will be inclined to post anything new because no one posted anything. Uh yeah.
Hence I shall write something worth talking about, apart from emo things which are not very inspirational.
This post shall talk about the CIP that I had from morning to evening.
Overall it was rather, depressing.
Heavy rain followed by a constant drizzle in the morning, not a very good start for the SL project. The aim of the project was good, helping people with muscular dystrophy. The idea of using basketball to attract teenagers' attention is good as well. Except it all summed up to one factor which is the timing.
Not a very good timing I guess. Where all the seniors are studying for their prelims and A lvls, and these few days always have heavy rain, so the people who came and supported are quite little. It's like, I can only see people from basketball from both hci and nanyang side, and maybe some councilors. The rest of the people are almost non existent. Can be seen when every game stall except the 3 on 3 basketball were empty for almost the entire day, and in the end we had to close the stalls at 3 pm, way earlier than the supposed 6 pm.
Maybe there are other reasons, like lack of advertising, or lack of very attractive methods of drawing people. In the end it's quite a pity to see so little people turning up for the event.
Which brings me to the topic of service learning. With so many different service learning projects targeting so many different groups of people in Singapore, might it cause people to become desentitised to these SL projects? After all one won't be able (or willing) to spend one's money and time on every single SL project, so in order to be selective some SL projects have to be ignored. In that case it's not really the SL project's problem for not being effective, but more of people losing their sympathy towards people of these groups? With so many charity groups, people learn to be selective in which group of people they are going to sympathise with. For example, some may support children with art talents that have financial problems more than say mentally disabled people. In that case, are people getting more discriminative?
I'm not sure about my stand on this issue though. I have always been trying to be nice to everyone, like the sky that accepts everything in it and under it. But I know that it's impossible to treat everyone equally, there is prone to setting of standards, tiers.
I shall not talk about a certain tier system anyways.

boundary between the innocent and the abandoned

People always say that ignorance is bliss. But I suppose people also don't like being kept in the dark, especially it seemed as though everyone else knows what (insert) means. Uh yeah it's not good to know what it means, but leaving others out from the conversation is indeed, hurting.
So I should just redirect the convo so that everyone can talk. Or maybe a new leader be appointed.
Erms. Operation wat? Oh yeah Operation Feather  Dance. Dunno why I come up with that name though. Feather dance is a pokemon attack.
Helping out for Shooting For the Sky. It should be fun, as long as my throat doesn't die all of a sudden and I get fever tmr or something.

After econs lec test everything is at a more managed pace.
Go sleep.

screw this

Is in a super bad mood this week, because of retarded things like econs timed assignment and all other stuff happening all in the same week.
And it's super pissing cus I have not been doing well in nearly everything, freaking everything.
And then more things start to drop down from the sky like dead bodies of birds or something.
Family war again. fk this.
Reached a point where mere ranting solves nothing, I seriously hope thursday will pass away as soon as possible.
I. HATE. THIS. WEEK.

o.o!

It's like why yukari is depicted as so slack, sitting on some strange rip in the sky watching other people do things below her. Or maybe just open one portal and sneak peek at people, she got her magical eyes of laplace anyways.
Hence, it is better to remain as the bemused onlooker and see what will happen as of now.
When yukari finds that something is wrong, she takes action. And usually yukari's actions are ... weird and not understandable by normal youkai / humans.

change

Time for a bit of reflection again.
Today was fairly surprised when I was told by someone that someone said I've changed.
Well it is definitely true that I did change, in a lot of ways actually.
In secondary school I was kind of an asshole. Well I don't do 'bad' things, but I don't treat anyone seriously, and I'm sort of a loner. It's like in Sec 3 and 4, recess equals to stay in class and eat what I brought, slack, and stone.
Ok that's not really the important part.
It's more of, I've changed in how I treat people. Before JC I was not really a caring kind of person. In some sense I treat everyone nicely, but I don't care much for them. It's like ok, I can help you tank stuff, but I might not be interested in your personal problems.
Moving to JC. It's more of the period of Sec 4 and JC that changed me. Cus there's this certain someone who would scold me if I were not being sincere with people, if I were not being caring enough, if I were not showing my true feelings to people I like. And so I owe the change to this person hehe.
If you feel as though I'm drifting away from you, pls tell me that. Because I tend to lose track of other people if my attention is focused only on a few people. Now instead of treating everyone nicely, I tend to be more tilted towards some people. That's the main change in me.
Hopefully I am treating my friends correctly.

sense of love

Yup, different sense of love.
No longer romantic love, but somewhere between friends and lovers.
That's the ideal probably for a long time.

eyes

This brings in UNL reference. Though I doubt anyone actually knows what I'm talking about in UNL -.-
Anyways, in UNL there's this character called Yukari, who basically wears some very European clothes holding a large parasol. She has a 4 carder called 'Magic Eye - The Magic Eye of Laplace'. The name is actually quite interesting lol, random trivia: I got many of my random knowledge from games as well, cus when I see an interesting name I would wiki it.
What this card does is that Yukari opens 12 gaps that reveals demonic eyes which track the enemy's every move, and shoots laser when the enemy gets into hitstun (ie. cannot move due to being hit, block not counted). Quite cool actually, you cover the entire screen with eyes and all of them fire when the opponent gets hit for 3k+ damage.
Point being, there are eyes everywhere. People can see your every action, whether intentional or not. It's a matter of time before a lot of people know what you are up to, and even if nobody says anything, everyone gets the feeling.
It's not to discourage you from doing anything of course, all actions are based on freedom of choice. Just that, be careful, I don't want to see anyone get hurt or anything. Hypothetically.
But other than that, of course we love doing whatever we love to do. hahaha.

one third

Most people should have noticed by now, that I'm not really integrated into the class. Not integrated in the sense that I don't stick to my class very closely.
Just by counting the lectures you can get a rough gauge as to how often I am with my class during school. Chem, bio, maths, econs lectures. I will be far far away with other friends.
One of the reasons why I'm not yet killed for doing so is probably cus I still participate in almost all the class activities, and am very enthu with all the activities as well.
The only thing is, I am probably not particularly close to anyone in my class, well at least as compared to some others haha. It's kind of 'no way around it' for me, cus I prefer strengthening existing covalent bonds as compared to forming more covalent bonds.
So while I'm guilty of abandoning my class for other classes (hence I'm one third 7D, one third 7B and one third 7F), I can't really do much about it. Some covalent bonds are stronger than the rest. I can't multitask, so that's that.

Class

Recently read some posts on other people's blogs about their class. The usual stuff to be said about a class: how bonded it is.
Well to a certain extent it's almost impossible to have a class that is perfectly bonded, because of different people within the class, hence different personalities, different preferences, difficult to find a common interest. And sometimes it is essential to have one or more catalysts to help bring everyone together.
As much as I would say proudly that my class is the most bonded among all the SMTP classes, it is also unavoidable that specific groups still form, but at least less severe compared to other classes, for people still tend to mix. For example looking at the class during chemistry lessons (only lesson involving everyone), the class is separated to a few tables: the PRC guys, the joshua group, the PRC girls and the rest of the girls, the Kerry group, the rest of the quiet people. This groups are kind of set, so there's no point trying to regroup. No harm caused with existence of these groups anyways.
Perhaps the reason why my class can bond well is because even though there are groups, people still mix after lessons, like going to canteen to eat together (for most girls and some guys), play basketball (many guys), other stuff like bridge and monodeal. So yeah, there are actually quite some common interests among people in my class.
Oh, and cus our ct and a ct rep kerry and chingy are awesomely awesome, hence catalysing bond formation. Yay.
So maybe for other classes, it's possible that they don't have a strong catalyst, they did not find common interests to help them bond, or many are just not bothered, which in that case requires the CT to come solve the problem. Hopefully the problem can be solved, cus in the end everyone are in the same class, it's better to be more than just a group of people under a series of numbers and alphabets coming together just to study.

人

最终我还是一个人。

mug

Shall start hardcore chem already. It seems that my 'edge' in sec 4 has already reached its limit, and now I'm on par or below many people. Time to get back that edge.

QED - kanjo

This shall be the final post tagged kanjo.
.
I have finally lost it, because what is important is your happiness, and the overall friendship. Thanks, and jiayou with life.
.

version 1.30

badminton, sweaty, partially see-through rofl. actually all three partially see-through. haiz low quality uniform.

Time management part 2

Today's chem seems ok..(I will get brutally murdered by saying that but oh well), I guessed 2 MCQ questions correctly. (once again chop chop) And hence now I know I lost 1 mark. (oh no I sense killing intent behind me, oh that's my mom lololol)
Anyways, finished a mini-war with my parents over my time management again. So now I decide I'm going to set my work + study time to play time ratio, which is 13:8 (optimum), which is coincidentally approximately equal to the golden ratio.
The plan shall be as follows
(work | study | play, where play = any time spent on com)
Monday: 1 | 1 | 1
Tuesday: 4 | 2 | 2
Wednesday: 2 | 2 | 2
Thursday: 2 | 2 | 2
Friday: 0 | 0 | 4
Something like that, which means that I would only be seen on msn from 11 - 12 or 10 - 12. Quite late but can't help it, need to maintain golden ratio.
nites ppl.
those want free chem tuition can find me yay (continues advertising)

nvm I shall post this soundtrack before I sleep in case I forgot where to find it on youtube lolz.
nites ppl.

Tuition

Is considering giving free chem tuition soon. Maybe it can help people with improving their chem grades for promos. Since I am 'relatively' free, relative in this sense is when I compare to 神s around me who are so committed until I think about it also wan emo that kind.
But cus I'm a noob myself, hence I also need go home and mug for other subjects. Hence I would probably give the tuitions during my breaks. Hence, physics people erhem.
Interested people can tell me :D
p.s. Chem score higher than me = go away u dun need my tuitions.

Tests again

There are 3 tests next week, ZOMG! Ie. chem, econs, bio. >.< While I'm still doing my EOM poster.
Music music, music controls my life. And hence here's nice music yay.

Life is a million problems contained by a net of friendships

Rawr maths class test was >.< ie. I-shall-fail-with-flying-colours-such-as-single-digit-scores. But NO WORRIES, because this post is not centred around emoing about maths class test. Emoing kills brain cells remember?
This post is dedicated to a certain someone (maybe I should start giving ambiguous nicknames for other people so that 'a certain someone' only refers to one at a time) who is wondering about life. So here's my small take on what is life.
Actually the title of the post summarises everything, so the rest is just elaborations.
Firstly, there is no such thing as a meaningless life. For every action that you took in your life, you create a ripple. This ripple can be big or small, and thus the number of people it can affect varies. It can even be seen that the ripple is like a signal, seeking out foreign objects which might respond to the small disturbance. Every action contains an intention to seek friendship, for a willing someone to respond to your action with his or hers. That's the start of a friendship isn't it?
Friendship itself is a beautiful thing. Good friends come when you need them the most, walk with you out of a problem without asking for much in return. In life, reliance on friends more is a good thing. It helps when things get too rough for yourself to cope.
I remember how our friendship first started. It's really the quite classic example of the start of a friendship. You are the first person to help me with putting away all the chem practical files after chem pracs one fine day. That's the start of our friendship :D
In the end life is still up to you, do you want to 撒网 or 钓鱼? What is the most important things to you now? What do you want to do in the future? There is no wrong answer, everything is a choice.
And today, the moment I see how you play I know you emoing alr. I'm not sure what you are emoing over, but hopefully it would get better really soon. If there's any problems that you have, you can always share with me if you don't mind.
Ending with something quoted: "Life is like a rainbow, the entire spectrum represents all the events you face, and at the end of the rainbow there is always a hidden pot of gold."

Maths integration class test is tmr! rawr I shall aim for A. In the mean time another nice piece of music for you all out there. And jiayou for class test. :P

Suicide

It is just like killing yourself in a more subtle manner. All the problems rose from expectations and certain tragic past which is, tragic. And through self-punishment the suicide cycle continues.
It's kind of amusing how I used to get inferiority complex just by counting the number of commitments you have. Or maybe it's really being inferior. Now I got more 'relaxed' and decided that if I had so much commitments I would die, literally.
It's really painful to know that not many people can help you in the state you are in, because people see you as so 'godlike', have such high expectations of you, that they become unsure of what way they can help. And sometimes it is true that they can't provide any help as much as how you help yourself, and in that case noobs like me emo in a corner thinking about how to treat you nicely so that at least you don't kill yourself during the process of squishing people's faces. Seriously, I have no rock-solid solution to most if not all of your problems, simply because my life is so trouble-free and happy that that only kind of problems I meet either requires mugging or hugging to be solved. Uh maybe not hugging but just talking to people about my problems make me feel less troubled.
In that sense I look for emotional support more than anything else. You probably seek the same type of support, except I can't provide you with that because it's obvious. Well depends if you want to.
And in that sense I guess problems are directly proportionate to how much commitments one have. Seeing how some take up many commitments to kill off certain things, which created more problems, then more commitments. Endless cycle of suicide.
btw, ignore the teachers, you don't expect someone to have a thousand and one things and yet ace everything, like that might as well dun go school directly go 创业 alr.
when you read this you would probably erpz me :3

I finally decide to post videos

I actually didn't know you can post videos on blogger ZOMG. I keep thinking that blogger is so fail that you can only upload videos onto it from your com or something -.-

Anyways here's a nice piano piece recommended by jingyi. Research shows that 90% of the people buy products based on peer recommendation mmm!

Enjoy.

Oh, and today's SSRC campaign video in the making was epic.

rofl

无名人 became the protagonist. Very interesting indeed.

boundary between cold war and hot war

It was a joke about there being a pentagonal chain war, where after one person's war with his parents ended another one would start on another person.
Till now the 4th war has broken out, and hopefully finished fighting.
Erhem 5th person be careful dun let war break out with your parents as well. Hence, go sleep earlier.
.
Today saw you in a seemingly not very full hp condition. I don't know the whole story but it's quite extreme to have that done to you leh..
I like the feeling of just sitting beside you, don't matter if we are talking or not, and stone. It felt nice I guess, is that a sign of tier 1? I don't have tier 1s that make me feel that way so I don't know also (different people became tier 1s for different reasons and personalities, but none make me feel the same way as another).
80%. I wonder whether that was said to make me feel happy, or is it really true? Because if it's true, maybe I can understand better.
rawr shall sleep.

sleep

X uses rest! X slept and regained health.
I shall become the universal sleep adviser lolololol.

It is all the candle's fault

As quoted and requoted so many times already, 'there is no free lunch in this world.' To add on to that, I shall say that 'anything that seems like a free lunch is a trap in disguise.'

One fine day, a boy with a squishable face and big appetite got a free dinner for two (preferably) from a boss in a restaurant. (Do not ask how he got it because I'm writing the story and I shall decide what happens) He is super happy, because there is actually free meal in this world, amazing!

And so he got very excited and decides on who to invite to go with him for the dinner. Suddenly, he realised to his horror that it is in fact a CANDLELIT dinner. And all at once his fantasy was crushed. Invite a girl? No way, it would only suggest that he is going to ask her out as a gf or something. Invite his best friend? Nah, people around will start staring and whispering stuff like 'omg the two guys there are dating!'

NANI? HOW TO CHOOSE? The boy is deeply troubled. How to invite a person without zi-owning, or more of, how to not zi-own at all. There are a few options left. 1. Go by yourself and pretend to be forever single (至今单身 ftw) 2. Dao the thing, free lunch is a trap, I shall not fall for it. 3. Give the chance to the parents, clearly it's a win-win situation as they get to have romantic candlelit dinner while the boy can slack at home, but at the cost of losing the dinner of course. 4. Go with best friend anyways, who cares about the nonsense other people whisper?

WHAT SHOULD HE DO?

撒网 vs 钓鱼

It really depends on how a person sees his world and surrounding. If he values quantity more than quality (of course the argument also goes that larger quantity = higher chance of having good quality) he would obviously 撒网 cus that ensures better return. For someone like me whose web like spider web like that ie dam noob, I prefer to 钓鱼. The time taken may be long, you may not catch anything for a very long time, the fish may bite then decide to let go. But at the end of the day, any fish caught by the hook is a confirmed catch. Also, letting chance play her way through and have a 愿者上钩 isnt a bad thing right.
My social network may be limited, but I have a lot of very good and nice friends. Some perhaps got hooked, some perhaps bit willingly, but it doesnt matter. Be happy with wat I have, fatten all of them first, then continue fishing.

temporal peace

hey everyone, my cold war with my mom end alr. sry for making u all worry :p

freedom

Today, I had an argument with my mom.
Well, more of my mom doing all the shouting while I tried to ignore.
And now I'm free. Everything I do is within my control.
I am suddenly given the power to do anything I want, they don't care about me anymore. And that include giving me my pocket money for tmr, which probably means I won't be given food at home. Though that is not a problem because I can cook.
This new freedom is kind of...unnerving. It's not the kind of freedom I expected. It's as though I gained 'freedom' by being abandoned to do everything by myself.
I won't complain, and I won't be angry. But there is NO WAY you are going to restrict my computer gaming time any further. I already complied to the homework + study time > computer gaming time schedule, except on weekends because I need to relax. And now what is this? Only allowing me to play games on Fridays? If you really try to do that, you know I will definitely negative feedback in your face. If I don't play secretly, then I will abuse my hand phone to at least have quality msn time.
Lol, because the emoness has already being unleashed onto a certain chinese blog, this post is pure disapproval.

version 1.20

It felt so niceeeeee. (continues fanboying)

beach ball

Was inspired by someone else's blog post.
Life is like a beach ball. It is colourful, it is fun to play with, and when you use it to smash people they can smash it back at you. It keeps you entertained for a little while if you play with it. But at the end of the day it is only filled with air, nothing else.
What you will remember after a long time (and what other people remembered) is not about that beach ball, but how you shared it with others at the beach and had fun together, indulging in warm sun and sea breeze.
At the same time, this beach ball may get worn out, stuck on top of trees, blown away by strong wind, or leak air until no more air left. Maybe it is no longer useful, no longer worth keeping, but people will still remember the time they spent playing with the beach ball. After all, it's just air trapped in a layer of plastic, it is bound to be torn one day.
However, that does not mean you should guard the beach ball ever so closely, not sharing with anyone, for fear of having it torn, because in that case, the beach ball would have lost its purpose. On the other hand, you cannot throw away the beach ball when you don't think it is any useful anymore, because there will always be times of ups and downs, and people always need a beach ball to play with.
There are some people who, having found no one to share the beach ball with, felt depressed and wanted to throw the beach ball away. Maybe it's not time for you to share the beach ball yet, cus everyone else has a beach ball themselves, some need time to know the importance of sharing beach balls. Also, you don't expect to be able to find someone to toss the beach ball around with all day long right? There are always times when people got bored with playing the beach ball, they need time to cool down also.
And for others who don't want to share the beach ball with too many people, it's up to them to decide how to share it, because it is their own beach ball. Although sharing with more people will allow more people to share it back with you, so maybe that is a good thing.
.
Side note, it's interesting how ppl say I appear more serious online as compared to daily life. I'm trying to be caring and understanding in real life, whether or not other ppl can feel it is another thing though. ok, back to gp.