when desire and lust

*u fil up my senses like a night in the forest
*like the mountains in springtime
*like a walk in the rain
*like the storm in the desert
*like the sleepy blue ocean
*u fill up my senses, come fill me again
*come let me love u, let me give my life to u
*let me drown in ur laughter
*let me die in ur arms
*let me lay down beside u
*let me always be with u
*come let me love u, come love me again

always on my mind♥

It's been awhile since my last post in this blog.

I don't understand what is the feeling I am having right now. It's a strong feeling, that did not just happen [click] like that. It is so strong that words could never be enough to describe it.

One thing for sure i know and I couldn't lie to myself, is that you are always on my mind. From the day I met you, from the day you asked me to dance, I know it well enough that you will become someone so influential to me. It happened.

Oh gosh.

How I wish I could say it out loud to you , that I love you. I love you so much. I know that you know it, you have strong senses in you, even if I don't speak my mind, you knew what I am thinking about. That is how great you are to me, because you understand, and willing to understand.



I used to be a selfish person, who believe so much in love should exist only when I can get a same amount of love that I have given in return, or greater but never less. I used to believe that when love happened it should last forever. I used to think that to love is to own, to be the most important, to be the most special. But YOU the one, who showed me what LOVE truly is, and how great LOVE can be, and how much you have loved and still loving.

LOVE is more than just about saying it.♥

I discovered LOVE is so much more than I used to know. LOVE is an action happened only from your truest will. LOVE comes from within. It is not to be told how much you have love. It is not to be showed how great your love is towards that special person. Love is not meant to own but to be given, it is not meant to be seen but to feel with your soul, it is not meant to be read but to understand with an open heart. ♥

With Love, I wish you to be happy, regardless where your happiness comes from.
With Love, I wish I could set you free by replacing my wings to your broken ones.
With Love, I wish you could love the way you wish to love.
With Love, I wish you could be loved by someone whom your heart has given to.

Thank YOU so much, because you made me LOVE again.
You made me discover that I can go further than I thought.
You discovered me, and I discovered MYSELF.♥


Discovering is a kind of love.
Understanding is a kind of love.
Caring is a kind of love.
Concerning is a kind of love.
Scolding is a kind of love...and many more.

♥All kinds of love in the world make life so worthwhile, so great. Smile from within, that's the greatest present I would love to have from you, and from everyone else that I love. I love YOU, and all of you. ♥

I am one step ahead now, and many awaiting still. Can't wait to see what is ahead of me :) And fear is getting lesser, strength is getting bigger.

I am not afraid. Anymore.

I am so brave, because I see myself. Because I LOVE YOU.♥

realisation

thanks to an unknown person, he/she was criticising what i have to say in my personal blog. but that is not the point, the point is, i needed to thank him/her for voicing out what she had in her mind after reading. and, i started to realise that i had actually thought the same way towards others.

i had learned to realise how that person would feel, when expressing themselves in their very own blog, was commented as a foolish thing to do. and how ridiculous for those who critics others feeling, for example the unknown person, including myself!

when i was writing, basically i wouldn't really care about the spellings, or grammars or whether the content of the post is childish, nonsense or mature. i am just letting myself out for the moment, especially after having a really bad time. i have no one to talk to at that moment, so i chose to 'scream' in my blog, is that wrong? i am sure most of the people who blog, thinks the same way. maybe they just don't realised it.

hmm, seriously i am glad that i had this realisation. i had learn to not to ignore others feeling. they might be childish or nonsense once in a while, but hey, who doesn't had a bad time right? just let them release themselves a little bit, and they will be fine again=)

once again, i thank you ( whoever who had a problem with me/others blog post ), before you critics/comment on others feeling, think of yourself.

i used to make that mistake, and now i will try to change.

Fairy tales? Hell no!

I think I am actually an ugly person inside. I am just too good in hiding my faults, sometimes, transferring them into 'UN-fault', makes me a 'perfect' person in others eyes. I always ask myself, why the hell am I keep doing this? Why am I hiding? What am I hiding? Well, I guess it is a habit ever since I was young.

I have been judging myself recently, in whatever I do, wherever I am. And I realized one horrible thing that could ever happen, is that, I am just like other normal girl, wanting attentions. Well, not all from the guys, but everyone. Yes, EVERYONE. People always ask me why am I always staying up so late, or early. Well, I guess I am busy checking out my friends FB profile, and see how many testimonials they have got in a day. And I start wondering, are all these from his/her friends? Or previously he/she wrote something on their walls so they had to reply? Well, I guess I am just being ridiculous here, BUT, that is what exactly I am thinking of, sometimes.

I would like to know, a really honest answer, that---what is wrong with me? what had gone wrong? I have been trying hard to be a better person, and what I get in return is some unnecessary attentions? Do I really having problems with meeting ' meaningful ' people other than some fucking asshole who only asked for sex? Or did I give you any wrong signal, saying that " Hey, baby come over here, yes i am a playa!" ??

I swear to God, with my life, and heart and blood and whatever you can name, that whoever i met, or going to meet, I am giving you a true heart. I am wanting to make true friendship with you so be you are old, young, Indians, Malays or animals. And all I am asking for is the same that I had given to you. That simple, isn't it? But, apparently they are people who ended up staying in my 'not wanting to know more' list. I guess it is normal, even to everybody, that everyone choose their friends. Good friends, close friends, useful friends, useless friends. Well, I guess if you get listed in any of these, you are lucky, at least you are remembered, right? I wonder where I belong, in your heart.

I am a sensitive person. I read people's emotions. and understand them. All is because I CARE. Not because I pity or want you to remember me, but I am seriously wanted to show my caring to people, cause I think everyone likes to be cared, everyone deserved to be understood, as much as I do. And I love to care, cause it makes me feel 'useful'.

I always hated sympathy. Don't start worrying about me just because you know this is what I like to hear, see or feel. Do it because you really worried, or else, don't. You make me feel cheap, you making me sound like a pathetic freak running around everywhere to seek for companionship. Let me tell you what, I had learned how to be alone. I plan my own trip, I sponsor myself. So what if it cost most of my savings? I don't give a damn right now, I just want to feel useful, I just want to feel that I will be fine with no messages, no phone calls, no hi-how-are-you stuff, NOTHING. You don't even really care where the hell I am going. Or you just have no ideas how much I appreciate even if you just ' hey girl, where are you?' without any purpose.

Yea, it is not all about the purpose. You don't have to ring your friend just because you wanted a favor. You don't have to message your friend just because you needed some information. Well, I like to message my friends whenever I feel like it, with stupid questions or words, no reason, simply just because they are on my mind. That's the purest of love. You are always on my mind. I wanted you to know that you are remembered. Am I ever, in anyone else mind? Hmm, this is a brand new questions.

And seriously, I somehow had given up finding the right one. Some love stories like 'pretty woman', 'runaway bride' which I used to believe in, are now 'wooosshh', vanished. LOL, very funny right? People always asked what is the requirements to be my boyfriend, or the future? I always say the common things like, money, ambitious, tender loving care...yada, yada, yada...BULLSHIT! Let me tell you what, I want FAIRY TALES. Can you believe what I had just said? FAIRY TALES. It is hard to believe I just said that, loudly, in this post. Pathetic. Dream on. Anyway..sigh...nevermind. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD BABE.


Whoever who read this, will somehow understands me a little bit, that I am breakable, hurt able, bendable. BUT, I am definitely not weak, I AM STRONG.


Gosh, I think I sound like a teen right now. Childish.

Period of time

Clicking into this so many times. In and out, in and out.

I so wanna write something, as there's too many inside me that i couldn't find a way to let it out.

I am going through a phase, right now. Is like going back to time, when i was full of doubts, hopeless and dull. Too many BLACKS had blended inside my WHITE life, it became GREY. Oh yes, i am feeling grey.

Grey is like, neither black nor white. Neither good nor bad. Meaning i am unsure. In between. Confused. I realised what i have done these while, is like i am returning being a child, or should say teenager, a rebellious one. I know what is wrong to do, yet I made myself doing it. Funny? I have no idea what is wrong with me.

Maybe, I am not who i used to think I am? It's like, the connection between me and myself had lost, all of a sudden, BAMMmm. Gone. Where is the trust I had for myself? Please don't leave, come back!!

I am so down. REALLY down. Lower than the bottom of the deepest ocean. I tried to swim to the surface. But it is too deep. Drowning. Couldn't breath.

I need my COLOURS back. I need my light back. I need to shine, I meant to be shining. I need to find the 'me' whom I used to trust and believe in. I need to move on. I need to leave. LEAVE. I want to leave. To somewhere no one knows me, to start over, to make new mistakes, to learn again.

I know it is not an excuse for me to run away. In fact, I am not running away. I just need new fresh air, new colours, new inspirations, new challenges. I need new life.

I don't need you to understand me if you don't want to. Too bad for ya. Understanding should come mutually, not by force. I am not born to please everyone, I am not born to be liked by everyone. I have my own friends who knows me well enough. and that's really satisfying, knowing that there's someone out there, understands you the way you understand yourself.

*there's period of time when you have no idea what to do. there's period of time when you can't differentiate right or wrong. there's period of time when you are so lost that you couldn't even recognise your way home. BUT, it is okay, because it's the period of time to make mistake, and learn again. it's like you only when you fall, you will know the way to stand up. TIME CONTINUES, LIFE GOES ON, DON'T GIVE UP.*



I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

please

can someone,

look at me

deeper.......deep deep inside..

just once?

can someone,

stay for awhile,

a little little while more,

just once?

catch me, don't let go.

release

time really flies, like lighting,

too fast that i couldn't touch it, soundless.

things come into my life, and gone.

they left sounds in my head, keep telling, telling, telling....

'what have you done?'

i don't know, couldn't remember.

'what have you done?'

i don't know!

'what have you done?'

nothing.

how i wish i could vanish, no one can find me.

i'll do what i want,

freedom, unleashed.

and who is caging me?

myself.