This Circuit Breaker, I found the dealbreaker by a heartbreaker.

It's 2018.

Much has changed.
Do I even recognise myself at this point?
I thought I'd learn and stop making the same mistakes.
I'd hope to have someone who would push me to be a better person, because I need someone to listen to my rants, my questions in life, and ask me what the heck am I doing. I need someone to discuss with me the difficult questions that needs answering in life.
But then again, who am I do wish for that?
I've looked back, and acknowledge I've been terrible, I've been far too weak. I've grown fearful and doubtful. I've been undeserving.

Please, Jolene, please be strong.
May I no longer be weak-hearted.
May I no longer need to seek validation from people.
May I no longer depend too much on any one person.
May I stop hurting others, and stop being selfish.
May I not always think of relationships as being transactional, and only reciprocate when I've received something from someone.
May I find the strength and courage to do it all.

Right now,

I'm waiting for the overnight train in Vietnam. And it somehow sums up how I'm feeling in life: Me waiting at the train station, to board the train that heads toward the direction of my destination. I do not know which train I am boarding, and neither do I know if the train that I board will safely get me there (will I end up meeting an unfortunate train wreck, or perhaps get on the wrong train taking me further from my destination). I feel like in my life, ideally, I have always desired to take a direct train that leads me straight up to the place I want to go. Yet, I'd end up getting off at different stations or interchanges, and hopping on another - and it always seem like I'd take the first train I see in front of me. But now, I think I want to really stop and analyse this whole train system in my life, and figure out the best train with the best route before I decide to be on my way.

ranting in this hour.

sometimes i wonder why should we withhold what's on our mind.

the silence has begun to wear me down. 

expectations.
supposedly non-existent for certain matters, yet apparently not the case.

then, there are those that are driven into us as we come of age. 

and as the years go by, these expectations grow higher, while responsibilities grow heavier.

it's 2016. 

it has come to a point where things we once cared about are no longer a priority.

we begin to selectively plan how we'd spend our limited time and energy.

things that had never come across our minds before as a possibility has somehow become a surrealistic reality - a cruel joke it seems. 

it's fyp season.

on hindsight, amidst my complaints here, i am grateful for the many things in life, and most importantly, the people in it.

i hate the way i've been feeling lately.
i am frustrated.
spending countless nights straightening out these thoughts.
but no matter what i keep telling myself,
it just keeps going back to square one.
i feel as though i am lying to myself.
i really hate being this way.
and then i realise,
it's because i was never good enough for anyone.
to know what's right and what's wrong,
and to do the right thing after figuring that out,
can be something incredibly difficult to follow through.

recently, i've been spewing a whole lot of vulgarities.
using expletives that i once disapprove of others doing.
i've changed.

what the hell is wrong with me.

i miss my bestfriend.

i've disappeared from here for quite a while.

i shall type this post quick.

people say i'm a pessimist.
i'd be proud being an 'emo' as what they say.
but lately, 'bad' thoughts were lost as quick as they arise.
i made an effort to clear those thoughts that were deemed undesirable.

but. what is considered a bad thought.
i wouldn't say optimism is something that we should embody throughout.

afterall, we'd practiced/trained preparing for a worst-case scenario, a contingency plan.
acknowledging the fact that optimism may not always be the better value to hold onto,

i have a habit.
i'd rewatch shows that i love and cherish, and still enjoy the moments in them, despite knowing what had already happened.
could it be that i love living in the past?
damn, how i wish i know how to articulate my thoughts.
but i no longer know how to. or perhaps just something that's not welcomed there.
keeping most of the things unexpressed, avoided.

back to the days where non-happy thoughts had been appreciated.
where we thrive in negativity it seems.

how funny does it sound when i ask this:
am i happy being happy?