reflecting on the enterprise

January 22, 2019

This blog has long since come to a standstill, but life has not. Five years in the Texas enterprise has brought new life, change, stagnation, growth, heartbreak--all of the things that make up a full life. It's hard to comprehend everything that has happened in the last five years, but as I sit here writing, flashes come to mind:

• The conception and birth of two children. I will forever consider that hospital just up the road sacred ground. Our life and our family would be incomplete without Sarah Beth and Joshua.
• The routine magic of childhood. Eliza is nearly six years old--hardly full grown by any stretch of the imagination, but shockingly grown up at the same time. One year from now she will be anxiously anticipating her next birthday, when she will have the opportunity to be baptized. My children have grown up here, and something in me feels drawn home to our roots, while there is still time for them to be little. 
• Immeasurable growth. In me, in Blake, in our marriage, in our family relationships; in the intellectual, social, emotional, and spiritual capacity of our children. Eliza came to Texas in a rear-facing carseat, not speaking or even walking. Now she sings and dances in Show Choir and relishes the ability to read chapter books and scripture stories and anything she wants. I came here so... young. Now I'm older, wiser, stronger (sometimes), braver. Growth can be so imperceptibly gradual. It's encouraging to look back and realize the growth was happening all along, even in the seasons of backwards slides.
• Our first home. We've made this place ours. I'll always love this little house.
• Death. My brother Aaron died unexpectedly this past May. The shock and overwhelming grief has gradually given way to acceptance and stability, but the peace and purpose in his passing has always been there--even from the first call in the middle of the night that he was on life support and things weren't looking good and please, will you hit your knees because our brother needs all the prayers we've got. I wish I had something eloquent to say on this that fed my soul, but tonight I don't. Maybe a different night. These last several months have been in a category all their own.

I don't know where the next five years will take us. But I feel like I can sense the winds of change. No matter where we go, or what takes us there, it will undoubtedly be a life that calls for boldness, energy, engagement, readiness, and an adventurous spirit. Life is an enterprise. Embrace it with tenacity.

March 5, 2016

Here I am being brave and posting the drafts I let stay unposted. Some of them never got finished, but that happens sometimes. Here's to life.


Ohhh, Eliza. Little 'Liza Jane...

-I've been going through a rough stretch. Time, circumstance, personality, and infirmity have combined in a perfect storm that I've been weathering for a while, and a lot of times it leaves my cup pretty empty. I've really been making efforts to choose good things, in spite of what I've been feeling and experiencing. Like, yes--what I'm carrying is heavy--but that doesn't mean I can't read a story with my girls, or go to the library, or make dinner, or do the laundry, or kick a ball with the girls in the back yard, or make lunch for Blake. I can feel all those things and validate my challenges, but still do good in the world at the same time. (More than you probably ever wanted to know, but it has been helpful for me to validate my own feelings instead of suppressing. Let it be known that I am an emotion-validator! Down with suppression. It is the stupidest thing ever. End of tangent.)

ANYWAY, so I've been going through a rough patch. But I have been absolutely blown away by Eliza's sweetness as of late. Don't misunderstand me--she's a normal three-year-old and is prone to all of the varied shades of normal three-ness. But many times in the last week, I've been surprised and touched by her love, her thoughtfulness, and how much she fills my cup. Here are some things I want to remember:

-This past Thursday had been particularly tough. But I really gave it my best that day. I felt like my efforts had been magnified and that I'd been blessed to be able to be a nice mom and an engaged mom even though I was tired, weighed down, and just wanted to put Mary Poppins on repeat and climb in bed. But even though I felt like the day had been a success, the effort left me feeling completely spent.

When we sat down for dinner, Blake was about to assign someone to say the prayer when Eliza just dove right into the prayer. "Heavenly Father. We thank thee for this food. Please bless it. Thank thee for Mommy for playing with us. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen." I said amen as I was bursting into tears.


I remember that day, and there have been many more like it since then. Eliza is only four, but she seems to be remarkably keyed in to my needs to feel loved, appreciated, and reassured as her mother. Is that a good thing? Google it with the accompanying words "parenting in 2017" and you'll find out that I'm ruining my child forever and they'll be in therapy because of this until they're 217. You know, because that's how parenting goes in 2017. I saw this on facebook recently and it's hilariously (and heart-wrenchingly) spot-on. To all the moms who parented in other generations, I say, congratulations. To all of the 2017 moms, I say, delete your facebook account, take your children's hands, run for the hills, and trust your instincts as you parent them in the woods. It'll be WAY easier than tiptoeing around all of the mines, loopholes, dogmas, rants, soapboxes, and sermons of 2017 parenting.

Confession

Confession time.

#1. Sometimes I'm ridiculously scared to share my thoughts. In life, and apparently on this blog. I looked at my blogger dashboard for the first time in months today, and was perusing the posts I've drafted but not posted. I enjoyed a lot of what I read, and wondered what had held me back from posting initially. Sure, some of it was a little more on the vulnerable side than not, but as I read it months removed, nothing was too mortifying to have posted.

#2. I hate conflict. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE conflict. I'm having to deal with some right now in this moment and I wish I could crawl into a hole and throw up. My general go-to when I'm feeling this wretched is off the grid in Flaming Gorge with her fiance's family this week (yay! Beth's getting married!!), so I hopped on here and I'm typing until I no longer feel like throwing up, and hopefully no longer feel like the dust of the earth for doing something that brought conflict to my own front door. In other news, I very seriously loathe mortality.

Okay... what can we talk about because I'm still wanting to throw up...

Blake and I rarely watch TV. As in never. (In a recent post--assuming it's one that I actually posted and that it wasn't just a draft I was reading--I told you Blake put an antenna on the house for us to get the Olympics. Long story short, that didn't work out, but he still gets all sorts of awesome husband accolades for being willing to do it!) We were recommended White Collar a few years back and decided to finally try out the pilot episode last night. I really liked it! The wittiness of Psych with a little less of the Shawn Spencer cheekiness and a whole ton of classy charisma. And I think only one swear word (and no raunch) in the first episode so that's a total win. I'm looking forward to the next episode... It will be tough to wait until Blake has a school-free night, but I like having something to look forward to together, so I'll do my best. :)

In other news, our family just made our first bonafide road trip. (We had done Austin and Houston, but that doesn't really count. 3 and 4 hours is nothing compared to 13.) The Packard Family had a giant reunion in Colorado over the Fourth of July, so we drove up for that. Then we had a reunion with Blake's immediate family which was total bliss. One of my friends in high school said that your husband was the only family member you got to pick. In picking Blake, I also inadvertently picked his eight other family members. And guys... I won. The freaking. Jackpot. And then two of those picked two more rockstars to bring into the family--and good heavens, I'm just beside myself with ecstasy. Seriously. Marry cool people, and bribe your siblings to marry cool people. It's the best thing ever. Between the Briggs and the Hulls, I feel pretty awesome about who my neighbors are going to be in our celestial kingdom cul-de-sac.  *Family... isn't it about... liking each other?*

Speaking of liking family... I mentioned earlier that Beth is getting married. *insert all sorts of outrageous, zero-inhibition happy dances* To Mr. Brendan Henrie--the most awesome guy, and dare I say it... kindred spirit? I told Beth we are unbelievably fortunate to have found not only one man, but TWO that will put up with our combined outrageousness and not put the kibosh on our sisterly antics. Seriously, it's a huge miracle and blessing. There are a lot of really, really good men out there that would have been great husbands but would have totally said, "Um, girls? Please act like you're mature adults. You're in your twenties... it's probably time." Not these guys. They take it like champs, and sometimes, they even think we're funny. The fact that Brendan still wants to meet me after knowing all sorts of ridiculous things about me says a lot about his outstanding character, if you ask me.

[Update: Feeling substantially less ill and less like dirt. This conversation is really helpful. Thank you, blog readers.]

Well, I think I'm going to post this now. I'm not even going to read back through this and scrutinize it and edit my own work because of my writerly nature. Because if I do, I might chicken out and not press "Publish" at all. And we wouldn't want that.

Thanks for listening, guys. I'll be back. Maybe soon, maybe in another 9 months...

Hey there...

Hi guys,

Not sure who reads or who even checks anymore, because you know... dearth of all dearths. But I just felt the need to write tonight.

I'm home with my feet propped up on the couch recliner, listening to the Little Women soundtrack. It's beautiful music that makes me feel closer to the home I grew up in. Sometimes you need that.

I recently finished a wonderful book:  The Boys in the Boat. I was intrigued, inspired, captivated, uplifted, and so enlightened. I gained such a rich perspective of American life in the 1920's and 30's. It was a wonderful precursor to the Olympics (3 more days!) and left me feeling inspired by my grandparent's generation--their humble origins, their perseverance, and their overall unconquerable spirit and character that was such a solid bedrock for raising the people who then raised me. I'm grateful for the tenacity of those who lived through those difficult poverty-, war-filled years. What shining examples of faith and perseverance.

I finished the book yesterday and started another in the same day. I never would have guessed myself to get sucked into book-reading. After literally decades of indifference to pleasure reading, books have become dear friends to me. My time spent reading feeds me. It's my greatest escape. Unfortunately, it's tough for me to pick up a book without being promptly sucked into a nap. :) (Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant.) You know how they say, "eating for two?" I feel like I'm napping for 20. I just can't get enough! I guess raising two little girlies and growing another baby really takes it out of you. How do moms have their sixth and seventh children?!? ... I won't even go there in my head. One day at a time, yes? :) The Lord will see us through each day if we invite Him and allow Him to.

A week ago Sunday, Blake and I were asked to speak in Sacrament Meeting. It was the Sunday of Pioneer Day and we were asked to speak on religious freedom. There has only been one other talk that has even come close to being as humbling as this topic was for me. (And that one was a doozy! But that's a story for another day.) As you can imagine, the topic has the potential to be very politically charged, so Blake and I felt a lot of pressure to handle that stick of dynamite in just the right way. I think in the end, our messages came across well, and I felt blessed and made adequate to what had been asked of us. That's a nice feeling.

Yesterday, I had a facebook friend post a meme completely flying in the face of religious freedom. And I felt compelled to say something. Otherwise, what was all of that stuff I said in my talk just one week earlier?? Just words? I didn't want to be a hypocrite, and wanted to do my part to defend religious freedom and our constitutional rights in the first amendment to the free exercise of religion. At first the conversation was going well, but then the other individual took a combative turn. I handled it as well as I could and promptly ended the conversation as graciously as I could, but I was just left with the sickest feeling. His words had made me feel inferior and stupid, and like never speaking up again. I called my sister for moral support, affirmation, and assurance that I had done the right thing and handled the situation well. (She's great at that sort of thing, and she came through with flying colors last night.) But I was still left feeling very... defeated? I don't know, I guess that's part of the territory when you stand up for what you believe and for what you think is right. Which makes it worth it. Hard to swallow, though.

I saw an article on Pinterest that made me laugh:  5 Reasons Playdates Suck and What to Do Instead. Totally laughed out loud. I generally hate playdates. With a few precious exceptions of individuals I love being around (and man, am I grateful for those people!!), I hate getting together with other moms and their kids. I eagerly opened the article, and was disappointed that I didn't like their other suggestions either. Bummer. I guess this means I'm a grump-a-frump recluse? Oops. Haha, I suppose I'm just in a particular season of playdate-aversion. I'm sure I'll get back to liking people at some point. But until then, I'm not going to put the pressure on myself--I'll just get together with the kindred spirits I love, invite other kids over to play, put myself out there when I can manage it, and just do my best.

Blake got on the roof in the 100-degree heat today to set up an antenna that just came with Amazon Prime 2-day shipping. (Because holy cow--Blake is officially a student again! Ahh! He starts his MBA on August 22nd. Hard to believe we're back to that stage of life. Blake keeps joking that he feels like Emperor Kuzko: "Yay! I'm a llama again!... Wait." It'll be an adventure to be sure!) Why did he set up the antenna in the blistering heat? Because he's awesome, the Olympics are coming, and he knows his wife loves the Olympics. This will be the first time since leaving our parents' homes that we've had TV in the house. A large part of me is sad about that. I like not having TV, but for the Olympics every two years, it's worth it. It will also be good to be able to turn on the news and crank up the volume so we can hear updates from our bedroom closet during tornado watches.

Well, thanks for listening, friends. Just felt like talking tonight. I hope you have a great one, and enjoy the upcoming Olympics!

Remember me?

Remember how my blog died?  Yeah... well that happens to the best of us. On the bright side, it's because I was living life in all of it's lovely, muddy, spin-your-head-round-in-the-best-and-worst-ways-possible glory. :) So perhaps you'll hear from me this year, perhaps not. But for today, I'd just like to say that  I.  LOVE.  FAMILY.  I love my girls, my mom, my dad, my sister, my brothers, my sister-in-laws... I love my husband. I love his parents that have become my parents. I love my brother-in-laws.  I love the plan of salvation and knowing that I can have all of these people that I love so dearly forever. God is good, life is sweet, miracles happen.

That's all.

Until next time--

Annie

Photo Drop

Because my blog reader (intentionally singular... if anyone besides Beth reads this, please make yourself known in the comments section) is routinely photo-deprived and is also currently being harassed by unending tax returns, here is a lovely dump of pictures from the recent past. Here's to documenting life!

Once upon a time...

...We folded laundry
(Her hair has grown so much since then!)

...We made cookies

Can you tell she enjoys helping?

...I was pregnant

(Taken on Halloween)

...We had our third annual Hull Family Christmas "Slumber Party" 

(Eliza is evidently thrilled - and Beth, look how beautiful the countdown is!)

...We had a Christmas Tree

(Ohh the beauty of the self-timer on the camera. This was the best we could do.)

...Little Sarah was born

She's the spitting image of her big sister

...We made more cookies

Eliza melts my heart.

...Eliza turned two and found out she loves birthdays and birthday parties and anything birthday because it means there is probably a funfetti cake. :)

...We had another fun Costa Vida picnic for Valentine's Day

Our Little Valentines:

Adorable Thing 1

 Adorable Thing 2

Sarah was a "newborn" for maybe four weeks. I can't believe how alert she is and how much she engages with us! She's a big girl--at two months she has already entered 3-6 month clothes. Keep putting on the chunk, honey!

Back to the previous format.

Ahem...

Once upon a time...

...I was domestic and made bread.

...and strawberry jam.

...and had a mom-epiphany in which I decided to let Lizie play in a pan of water. 

We call it making soup.

...It snowed! A lot!

(Another self-timed winner.)

...and Lizie loved it.

(Until she face planted in the snow.)

How's that for a photo dump? There you go, Beth! If this wasn't a good save-me-from-taxes-I-need-a-break distraction, I'll eat my hat. :) Have a happy day!

Sizzle sizzle

You know what's intense?  Liquid nitrogen. Particularly when it's blasted point blank onto sensitive parts of your skin. After moving to Texas my feet exploded in warts and I'm currently working on getting them removed. Today was the second treatment and holy toledo... this is serious stuff! I will be very, very glad when this is all over. But let's hear it for modern medicine, right? Woo!

My doctor's office is right next door to our favorite movie rental place--Family Video. (I wish they had them in Utah! You guys would love them! I've never seen a movie rental facility that could adequately compete with Redbox, but these guys sure can.) So as a reward for being a brave girl and in the name of Friday Date Night, I picked up the newest Hunger Games that came out today. Looking forward to taking it easy and snuggling with the hubster tonight. :)

Happy Friday!