After all

After sat night and some thinking last night, I suddenly realize I don't really wanna "play" after all. All along I thought I just wanna play, but all of a sudden, I felt that I'm still the same..

After those two encounters with him, I really don't know why I can do that. We are not together and yet I just can't allow myself to step into that hole again. That just shows that I'm not that into playing after all? Well I just wanna enjoy my single days right now and not playing with fire..

Random

I guess I'm just the one whom he let walk away, whom he don't let stay and whom he let go.

Alright this is just random stuff. Just wish both of them are healthy and happy. :)

Humpty dumpty had a GREAT fall

Wonderful night I had last night! So busy and worked till around 9 with an empty stomach. On the way to train station at my workplace, I stepped into a hole and fell without even the need to balance or struggle. Before a lady wants to help me up, I already stood up and walk off. Can even hear her exclaimed OMG quite loudly. The next thing, I saw my jeans torn at the knee area. It's my fav levis' jeans which cost hundred bucks somemore! :( Heart hurts more than the wound man! End up have to cab home due to the wound. And when I reached home, wanting to pay the driver by NETS, the transaction can't get through. It's either the machine or the uncle don't know how to use, he took 5min to process it! :((((

What a wonderful night isn't it?? But what's new? Humpty dumpty had a fall the previous time after a breakup. So this time is just normal. This fall is nothing compared to my good friend, gaorui's injury. :( And I kinda enjoyed the pain right now, which made me feel that I'm still alive. Never thought pain can make me feel shiok after all. Sick man! :)

Need a puff

All of a sudden, I feel like taking a puff. Don't know why but feel terrible inside. This is horrible! :(

Crying is much more tiring than clubbing

Oh man..after yesterday, I realized working on the day after crying hard is so much more tiring than working on the day after clubbing!? Went clubbing last week on ladies night and went work the next day. But feel normal. Yesterday cried so hard in the warehouse when I went with driver early in the morning. Today wake up feel so shag till I took cab down to work. I guess the thing about human is that you know that doing something will just drain you off, yet you still can't control yourself. Perhaps I just forgot that crying so damn hard will just make me feel extremely exhausted the next day. But I think I just can't control myself. Sometimes really wonder why am I taking all those shits when I don't have to, for whom am I doing this for..

It's time to sleep for now anyway, because it's my convocation tomorrow! Feels kind of nervous..weird..omg so shag!! :(

Exhausted

Been sometimes since I last blogged. So damn busy with work till I'm starting to feel drained and exhausted. It's going to be three months in this company, but everyone feels that I've been there for years. Imagine working at least 15h most of the days and also working on sat for three months..no wonder will feel like years.

Hai dont know why, but when I sit in that particular lorry, I cried cos of work again. Tried so hard to act like not crying and looking outside the window, end up my driver still saw me crying. But luckily he tried to be cheerful and make me feel more relax. Oh man this should not be happening..it's as if I'm trying to overwork myself so as to forget certain things and move on. Perhaps a busy and exhausting life is what I need but not what I want.

Supposedly the more tough things a person went through, the stronger the heart will be? I thought so too..but somehow I felt that my heart can't really take it physically, even felt cramps in my heart during my sleep last night. Maybe one day I might just leave the world during my sleep. If that really happen, I hope that all my family and friends will see this post and know that I love you all very much. And I really appreciate all your time and company and also, the love you guys showered on me. *hugs*

Getting out of hand

I think my job is getting out of hand when I knew I need to chase payment from customers and today, I even have to pass a termination letter to a colleague that is so much older than me, an elderly. I felt terrible and sorry to know that someone is being terminated, not to say, giving him the letter personally. Previously I think I can never be an accountant cos I keep screwing up boss' financial reports. Now I feel that I can never be a good HR manager cos I'm just too emotionally affected. Especially when he shook our hands saying goodbye, I was really like omg what is happening as I swallowed back my tears. This is really hard for me man. Damnit why am I so weak?! I'm starting to wonder if I really can keep this rice bowl. I seem to be too vulnerable and weak for this job despite the time and effort I placed in it. I feel so lost right now..what should I do?? :'((

When will things really get better for me? I'm just an easily satisfied person but why did I ended feeling so lost and terrible sometimes? How many more tests do I have to go through in life before I can lead a normal and peaceful one? When will I be tough and strong from within and not just an appearance to tell my love ones I don't have to be worried about?

Another long night

Another night spent for work..am I really that slow, inefficient and lousy? Did the whole night through and now already reaching workplace. When can I slp normally? When can I go out with friends? When can I drink again? Sometimes it's really exhausting to work like this everyday. :(

Been so tensed up during work today cos of the accounts issue that I broke down in office just now. Luckily I'm alone in the office at that point of time. It's the second time I cried at work area man. It seems like it's getting worse. I seriously doubt I can handle my job. Gonna work 24 hours for this whole month unless I settled the accounts.

It may be just a normal stress day but an interesting thing to mention is that I had a ride on bike! Finally I had a chance to have a feel of sitting on a bike, thanks to my Indian colleague who stayed with me in the office because the work area is not safe at night. He offered to send me home using his bike when I wanted to call cab. Just nice he bought a new helmet too. It was quite interesting as I roughly have a feel of riding a bike finally. He said his fastest is 110 during the ride. Can't believe it because I don't feel fast at all. Perhaps it's due to his body size, makes me feel quite safe. Overall, it's interesting and perhaps I can try it one day!

Hectic life!

Ever since I started working, I haven't been able to sleep early. It's either I can't sleep well due to insomnia, or I worked till too late till I don't have time to sleep enough. But whatever the case, I just can't find enough time to do my work. It can be very stressful when I see the men coming to me, saying their salaries are incorrect or other problems, mostly due to the person who hand over to me. The time I spent in work now is much more than the working hours I spent in UOB. Moreover, it's so dark and dangerous at my workplace when it's night time, as mostly are foreign workers and lightings are pathetic in the industrial estate. Started work at 7.30am and have been working OT everyday, I still can't manage to get my things done. Even went back to work today on a Saturday! Sometimes I really feel that I'm inefficient even though there's all kind of ad-hoc things/ shits that crops up every now and then for the WHOLE day, stopping me from doing my everyday job tasks.

The more shits I been through, the more things I learnt. One thing I learnt today is that guys can be very good friends, nice to talk to. But they can never be someone who's dependable for life as partners. Being single feels really good, I feel so free and not restricted. Just like at Timbre just now when a guy is "dared" for taking picture with me, I don't need to worry if my boyfriend will get angry or unhappy. Or when I want to go out with friends, I don't need to follow/ check with boyfriend's schedule before I can agree to go out with friends. I don't need to worry about his feelings or afraid of getting hurt. Simply put, there's no one to tie me down. Sometimes seeing those guys who are attached or married still go out to play a fool, makes me feel that no guys can be trusted or depend on. Meeting guys like this seems to tell me that I don't need to be that serious in a relationship with a guy, because end of the day, it's the girl that will get hurt. Oh well, point is they can be good friends but not someone to depend on at the end of the day.

It's getting worse

I realised that whenever I told people what I'll be doing on a particular day, the thing will be cancelled or not happened. Or whatever I told others, things will just go the other way. These kind of things just keep happening for sometimes. At first I will think it's just coincidental like everyone else, but as these things keep happening EVERYTIME for a few years, will you still think it's coincidental? I heard about the self-fulfilling prophecy, but I just can't help it. Nobody can understand what I'm going through unless it happens to them just like me. The reason why I always said "see how" during last year's r/s is cos I don't want things like this to happen, i.e., whatever I promised or said, things go the other way. I hate to disappoint people or break promises. I guess there's a reason for things I do, like not promising people in advance or telling others what I'll be doing.

Somehow I feel that this situation is getting worse, cos it's affecting my work. This "curse" is getting out of hand! I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. It's depressing to know about this and no one believe or even understand it. Everyone will just say I think too much or telling me I should not think it this way so that self-fulfilling prophecy will not happen. Well, I really can't do anything about this and my job is really stressing and draining me out. I only sleep like 6 hours from Wednesday to Saturday when I started work last week. This week, I didn't hear my alarm sounds (or my alarm just didn't work) on Wednesday and I wake up today at 1.5 hour later (i.e. 6.30am) scolding myself for forgetting to set alarm last night, when it's a Saturday which I didn't have to go back! Gosh everything is getting out of hand and I feel exhausted. The only times I can really relax is when I'm out with my friends, not when I'm alone resting. I'm so tired and I need to learn faster, time is running out....

大难不死，会有后福吗？

Unlucky things just keep on happening. Indeed, bad things do happen one after another, they don't just happen once.

First, my antique hp automatically sent my sms to my boss-to-be when I sent it to Li Huan. This is so embarrassing, some more I knew it from Jessica this morning, just before I'm meeting his brother, who is my boss-to-be! OMG so paiseh! I think this is a sign to tell me to change hp.

Then, I boarded a bus towards Yishun to meet Angela for dinner. End up the bus stopped cos there's smoke coming out at the back of the bus. Only when I'm trying to board another bus behind it in the middle of the road, then I realised fire appeared! The bus driver tried to use the fire extinguisher but it was spoilt! Luckily the bus driver is alert, if not, all the passengers might have died on the bus.

During the trip, I even shifted from front seat to the back seat, and I thought of shifting again to the last row cos the sun ray is really too hot for me and I still have a long journey to go. Imagine if I really shifted to the right side of the last row (the seat I wanted to shift to) and the bus driver was not alert, I'll be the first to be on fire!! First to be cooked even before the bus will explode!

I guess this is a sign to tell me that many things in life don't matter, only staying alive to see my love ones living happily matters. I realised when this happens, my mind only worried that I'm late to meet Angela, never think of anything else. So I supposed he's not in my mind at that point of time, but anyway, I guess he should be having his exams soon since Gao Rui having exams on 21st and 25th this month. So wish him all the best in his papers~ :)

Suddenly..

OMG I suddenly have this feeling that he hates or dislikes me, thats why he never contact me and even delete me out of everything..well, I guess it's a normal process that will take place after the end of a relationship. So, I should not be too bothered by it cos I need to move on. Just that sometimes when I need a guy's point of view, like recently something happened, there's no one I can talk to. :(

Just some thoughts and reminder for myself - "Here for you"

Was kind of happy to know that ah boy is at home when mum and I brought rice dumplings to ah gong's house. He even brought homework and followed us home after going NEX with us. He's already P5 and his score is not enough for him to go to Express class in secondary. He's a clever boy but too bad he's not hardworking and focus enough. Teaching him maths just now made me realise he can do those questions easily but he cannot focus for long. I like this cousin a lot since he's born cos he's so adorable when he's younger. Now, seeing him sometimes just remind me of my ex.

And I felt kind of bad towards ah boy cos I told him last year that "we" will bring him out at the end of last year. But this will never happen and I felt so upset right now cos I just don't know how to explain to him that the guy he called "china orange" is no longer with me, not even in contact with me, and not even friend. In front of others like my friends, I still can manage. But in front of ah boy, I can't bring myself to explain much cos he will be very curious to know more and he's a kid, so he won't hesitate to ask more questions. I'm so afraid I will just break down in front of ah boy, which is the last thing I want it to happen. He already has divorced parents and living in a not-so-perfect family, I don't want to leave him any more bad memories.

Suddenly there's this thought which came across my mind while I'm bathing just now. Perhaps I'm still not sympathy and empathy enough towards others in my life. Instead of thinking of holding on to the friendship previously just cos we'd a relationship before, I should think it this way: I'd already wasted his 9 months where he should be with the girl who really suited him perfectly, I should not waste any more of his time hoping he can still keep in contact with me. I just want to let him know that he's really lucky to find a girl that really suited him perfectly cos I know I don't have this kind of luck. Most importantly is that they are happy with each other and I deeply believe they are anyway.

I have to promise myself not to sms/ call him from now on, I should not disturb his life further. However, no matter what happened, I'll still be there for him if he ever needs my help. When he's at sydney for his first semester, I showed him a song from Firehouse, Here for you. I remember this clearly cos that was a rough period of time for me as my ah ma was in the hospital. Despite what happened between us, as I said here for you WHEN you need me to, I'll still do what I said cos I believe in loyalty to friends. I'm not trying to cling onto him or hoping he will be back or whatever so, I just want him to know that this friend here will still keep to her promise. But I'm just here blogging to remind myself, nobody will really read this so he still won't know anyway. Below is the link I sent him in 2009, which reminds me of the friendship we had in 2009, when he sent me emails telling me about his orientation and school when msn got problems, I would sms him slightly before 6am on the bus home after studying the whole night through at Yishun Starbucks cos it's his time for class at Sydney. All these made me forget all those that happened last year. :)

P.S.: Hope your life is good and all the best to your school~ :)

He's not man enough..

Just read the "9 things you should never say to a woman" on xinmsn.com and made me realised that actually he is not man enough, more like a woman sometimes. Will my next bf be more man enough? There should be a lot guys out there who's more man than him, I guess... :)

My mistake, I was careless.

A nice song I've heard over the radio station. After hearing so many times, I just look through the lyrics and realised, OMG I can totally relate to the lyrics with my previous r/s. It's really amazing how lyrics can 101% describe how I felt!

"Building faith on love and words, empty promises will wear. You were strong and I was not; my illusion, my mistake. I was careless, I forgot. Falling out of love is hard, falling for betrayal is worst, broken trust and broken hearts. You have gone and so effortlessly, you've won. You can go ahead and tell them."

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did-------

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know--------

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know--------

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Jacuzzi

It's my second time to the jacuzzi just now. Had a little chat with mum and she's nagging me not to get too close with my guy friends. When she suddenly mentioned his name, for a moment I really stoned. Felt somehow uncomfortable to hear his name from her. Felt distant too..perhaps cos last time when I mentioned his name, I felt the warmth and love I had towards this person. But now, I just feel that I need to block everything related to him out of my mind and heart, so somehow his name became distant..it feels really weird to hear my mum saying his name..haha..I'm glad she only mentioned once, if not I might be drown in the pool when chatting with her!

First time here!

Today is a new day and experience for me since I moved here in 2003. I actually went into the pool with mum just now! And of course, I stayed at the jacuzzi area to relax while my mum swims. The water in the pool is indeed colder than those public pool~ But feels good even though I don't know how to swim! There's even this yandao ang mo with his cute little kid! Eye candy while I'm at jacuzzi. Haha! :)

Hmm I think I've had enough being sad over him and I want this to end. I'm determined this time! Cos it's definitely waste of energy on being sad over how he treated me previously. Last time I'm sad over my second ex for one year plus when I'm with him for only five weeks, and I never felt a waste of energy or time at all. However this time, I think half a year is enough for me to be sad over the nine months' relationship that took place last year. It's way too long actually cos this guy let me down, whereas the previous ex didn't. Now that I'm moving on and I'm feeling really wonderful! It's just like the three years I had during poly days, being single is so free and happy that time! So why can't I enjoy it now like before? I can do whatever things I like without thinking of him like when I'm in the relationship. Just like what he said during that relationship, don't revolve around him. Really feel carefree with no one tied me down and I'm loving it! Thanks to him that I'm alive in a new way, a new me! Really grateful to him from the bottom of my heart~ :)

Time to change the format of my blog to be a happier and more cheerful colour, or at least my fav colour - blue! <3

Thanks for making me a fighter :)

Things for him to know from the lyrics:

After all you put me through, You'd think I'd despise you.

But in the end I wanna thank you, Cos you made that much stronger.

Well I thought I knew you, Thinking that you were true.

Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff.

Time is up, cos I've had enough.

You were there by my side, Always down for the ride,

But your joy ride just came down in flames,

Cos your greed sold me out in shame, mmm hmm.

After all of the stealing and cheating,

You probably think that I hold resentment for you.

But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong.

Cos if it wasn't for all that you tried to do,

I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through.

So I wanna say thank you!

Cos it Makes me that much stronger;

Makes me work a little bit harder;

Makes me that much wiser;

Made me learn a little bit faster;

Made my skin a little bit thicker;

Makes me that much smarter;

So thanks for making me a fighter!

Never saw it coming..All of your backstabbing..

Just so, you could cash in on a good thing,

Before I'd realized your game.

I heard you're going 'round' Playin' the victim now.

But don't even begin feelin' I'm the one to blame,

Cos you dug your own grave.

After all of the fights and the lies,

Guess you're wanting to hurt me.

But that won't work anymore,

No more, uh uh, it's over!

Cos if it wasn't for all of your torture,

I wouldn't know how to be this way now.

And never back down,

So I wanna say thank you!

How could this man I thought I know Turn out to be unjust so cruel?

Could only see the good in you, Pretended not to see the truth.

You tried to hide your lies,

Disguise yourself through Living in denial.

But in the end you'll see, You won't stop me.

Thought I would forget..But I, I remember.

Yes I remember, I'll remember....

FREE

At last!!! Finally had my last paper, whether it will pass or fail, I'm really excited that it's over!! Can't wait to change a new environment! Dog days must be over for now! Looking forward to the new dawn, new day and new life~ Just dance, gonna be ok!

Time is near

Oh no..the time for the paper is just a few more days, and I only read ONE chapter till now?! Really thanks to my uselessness!!! :(

Gosh..I start to feel stress when I don't smell smoke?! Addicted this time...thanks to myself...I hate myself!

Never in my life will I think of this..

Never has this ever come across in my mind that someone can treat another person so heartlessly, so extremely and utterly heartless..somemore its someone who once loved her, promised her things till the future?! Or perhaps she's wrong? He's really here for revenge only? OMG it's really killing her..seriously he don't have to go all out to hurt her any further so as to keep her away from him. WTF is he thinking?!

This is really way too hurting to survive!! Here she is trying so hard to live happily yet there he is trying to be extreme heartless. The number of scars are increasing and getting deeper whenever he's being heartless. Why can't he be a gentleman and at least try to be friendly to her? After all, it's he let her go through all this isn't it?

Since that breakup, she never ever blames him once and is already facing it by herself, she even wished them happiness, so is there a need to avoid her totally?? And it's really TOTALLY! This only shows that he is purposely hurting her and not letting her recover, despite saying that he hopes she will recover one day. Because he knows and understands her too well, that she can truly let go only if they're still friends, so he is really being heartless purposely to stop her from recovering.

Is he still human not??! Is this how he treats another human being? Bet he treats a stranger better than her!! It really hurts to know the fact that he treats a stranger better than someone whom once was closed to him, or perhaps only she thought he's closed to her..this is really INSANE!!!!! It's really difficult not to do silly things at times like this...no promises can be made on this..

We were best friends, now we don't even talk

"Now here I am trying to make sense of it all.

We were best friends, now we don't even talk..

You broke my heart,

You ripped my world apart.

I can't get you out of my head.

Left me all alone,

You couldn't be more gone.

From falling apart, to fighting mad.

From wanting you back, to not giving a damn.

I've felt it all..

I've been to the wall."

Thanks for letting me go through all of these..thanks for making use of my trust in you..thanks for doing all these to make me lose faith, trust and belief in life..thanks for making me feel guilty towards my loved and close ones..thanks for everything you've done to make me feel so miserable and lousy in myself..if you think by doing all these are for my own good, then you're wrong. Cos I see it clearly now that it's for your own good. I know that you will never contact me cos you said you don't know how to maintain this friendship. You didn't have to not wishing me on my birthday to make me lose hope in you cos I already knew you won't. I may have changed but I'm still myself. I can no longer love you like how i loved you, but I still wish you happiness in life.

This is bad..real bad..

It's already May and I've yet to even read a chapter from my textbook for my exam! OMG WHY IS IT THAT DAMN TOUGH?! Eating and watching tv for the whole day will really kill me!! And whenever I'm alone trying to read the book after watching the tv the whole day, it's either I end up listening to english songs or thinking about things that had happened. Now that I thought of the movie I watched this afternoon, "Widow on the hill", made me realised that guys really can't control themselves. This is not a good sign for me cos I'm afraid I'll never ever trust a guy in a relationship. This is not healthy. Alright I'm just reminding myself that guys are like that, it's normal for them. It's not right for me to think that it's ok for them to have affairs, as long as they will just return home to be with their wives and even children at the end of day. This is not good..oh gosh..I should just go back to my revision. Have to block him out of my mind right now and for long!! ARGH HATE IT WHEN HE'S THERE HAUNTING ME! HELPPPP~ :(

Just have to do it..

There are things in life that will just remind u of the pain you've been through. I know this may be good in a way that they will remind you not to go through it again if you can choose. Sometimes you don't need to keep getting reminded of the pain and you can avoid these things, cos there's no point making yourself feel down and then get affected for the day. It's not easy to be happy everyday but if you can choose, of cos u want to be happy.

However, there are times where u just have to do things even though they will remind you of the things you don't want to remember. Even though it's going to be half a year, and people might think it's been so long that I should have forgotten or felt better, the cut will still open up sometimes when it's healing. Doing revision will just open up my wound sometimes but this is something I definitely need to do, even if not for myself, for my parents. I know studying is for myself but if you ever been through the same thing, you might understand. Perhaps I didn't try hard enough or didn't put in much effort, I don't have much time to forget and move on too. If I can't go through this time, I'm really lousy and I can only blame myself. Just do it man! "You don't have time liao!!"

Small thought

Had some thought while I'm sleeping last night. As we grow up, we learnt of different emotions and experienced different levels of feelings. During my relationship in 2008, perhaps cos it only lasted 5 weeks, I experienced simply pure happiness. When it ended, I experienced helplessness, sadness and pain to lose someone who thought I don't love him. During the relationship last year, I experienced not just simple happiness, there's unhappiness, communications, discussions, helplessness, sacrifices, perseverance, 感动, 委屈, laughter and tears. Many many different emotions. When this relationship ended, there's helplessness and sadness too, just that it's a different level and type this time. In addition, there's other bad feelings like 心寒, 心酸, 傻眼, 震惊, unbelievable, regret and still has to act like it's nothing and smile in the end so that he can live well with the girl he left me for. These are the feelings that are not experienced after the breakup in 2008. These are the feelings and emotions I've also learnt for getting into a relationship that I should not have agreed to.

I should have learnt that guys don't remember what they said when they want to get into a relationship with you. I should not have listened to his confidence about "strong and solid foundation" when persuading me to be with him, cos this outcome is the one I'm most afraid of, to lose a good friend cos of relationship. I should have stayed firm to my principle. Since this really happened like what I told him in the first place, I should not feel pain anymore cos I allowed this to happen. I really blame myself for this...really regretted..but I did learn alot too. Well, life is all about learning. I'll learn to be strong..I have to I guess.

Unwell

After so many months of tortures, I finally felt unwell. Perhaps the lack of proper meals, lack of nutrition, too much alcohol with no plain water all these while were triggered by my improper sleeping on my sofa bed last night. I didn't unfold my sofa bed and so I've to sleep by sitting on the folded bed. Had been feeling so uncomfortable cos my head hurts till I keep tearing, like yawn too much. And when I finally came my room to prepare for the bed, I felt like vomiting. End up vomited all the dinner cos the food is rejected by my body, can't digest and absorb by my body.

No one will know that I'm sick cos it will only worry my family. I think I can feel that my days are numbered, heart keeps beating irregularly fast recently. Perhaps tonight I'll sleep very well....

Cancers or heart attack?

Been some times since I last blogged..up till now I've yet to revise for my exams! I've been trying so hard to forget and recover, if not it's really difficult for me to start reading notes cos they will just remind me of the days where he's with me. Have been using a different approach to handle this breakup as compared to the previous one. Now I wonder if this approach will take a longer time or it won't even heal..

Just saw his twitter account when I'm trying to invite people to twitter through my messenger account..gosh I felt a burning feeling in my stomach. Didn't know he has a twitter account, perhaps he has been using that with her even when we're tgt..haha.."The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling.." This song keeps playing in my mind, such a wonderful song. Well, if he sees this, he will say he didn't do anything wrong to me when we're tgt and that I've think too much (as usual). Oh pls, he'd already done me wrong by putting feelings in her when he's with me, isn't it? So tell me this is right? Hah!

I think it's time for liquor and listening to clubbing songs again. I've been trying to avoid looking at his pics or things about him but sometimes things will just pop along the way to just remind me there's this person. I don't hate him at all even though he's so heartless to leave me alone while happily leaving over there. I just want to forget as much as I can so that I can move on happily or at least normally. Cos remembering him will only remind me of how stupid I am and how I've let down my other friends. Somemore, I keep having "nightmares" till I can't even sleep well. At this rate, I think even if I don't die of liver, lungs or stomach cancer due to liquor and smoke, I'll still die of heart attack. I can feel it already...

心也跟着走

Somehow this song from su rui caught my attention when I'm listening to the radio. The lyrics made me go look out for this song. I feel for this song, cos it's like telling me something or kind of helps me heal for the time being.

逝去的一切不会再拥有
牵动着信心不停留
过去的一切都已不在意
幻想的只是远行
[心也跟着走]

梦醒依旧却无法感受
内心在轻轻地涌动
冷冷的天不再下雨
心的哭泣更接近

逝去的一切不必再回首
往日的背影不再有
每一步都感觉许多惬意
因为心也跟着行走

只是为什么眼泪会流我也不懂

终于你开口向我述说她有多温柔
虽然你还握著我的手
但我已不在你心中

我真的懂 你不是喜新厌旧
是我 没有
陪在你身边当你寂寞时候
别再看著我 说著你爱过 别太伤痛

我不难过 这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流我也不懂

就让我走 让我开始享受自由

回忆很多 你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱 你比谁都懂
虽然寂寞 这会是我 最后的宽容

抱紧我 再抱紧我
这一份感动 请你让我留在胸口
别再说 是你的错
爱到了尽头 是非对错
就让它随风 忘了所有 过的比你快活

不要再说 或许这是最好的结果
现在分手 总好过你不爱我一拖再拖
松开你的手 离开你左右
我向前走 这会是我真正的解脱

Why still the uneasy feeling?

It's been some times since I last blogged. Just don't understand why the uneasy feeling is still there! I've been ignoring things that will remind me of him like songs we once shared together and pictures of us. But once in a while, the uneasy feeling is still back and makes me really uncomfortable. It makes me either no appetite or over eat. I've exam to study yet I haven't start. I can sleep till afternoon and watch tv after I wake up for the whole night and went back to sleep again. I can read other things but I just can't start reading my notes!

I really am damn pek chek with this kind of life and I want to end it if I can! I want to club badly last sat yet I don't know who I can call? I know I've friends around me who care for me and can accompany me for dinner or chill out. But I know definitely not accompany me to club. Friends who club with me last time either busy with their jobs, have boyfriends or just went back to study. Will I ever go alone if one day, the urge to club is really strong? Why is this so difficult for me? I just need loud music and dance on my own sometimes to vent out my unhappiness.

I do agree that music can bring me down by reminding me of him, but it does reduce my unhappiness too. Fast music is what I need in clubs, not guys, but most people just don't understand or just misunderstand me. In fact, it pains me when these thoughts actually came from closed ones. But I can't blame them for having that thought, not everyone has seen their loved ones changed totally. Whenever I wake up suddenly, the thought of him with his girlfriend, accompanying and encouraging each other in lives just make me feel so sad I can't sleep back or even feel like crying..I really don't know how long I'll feel this way.

Perhaps I'll feel better thinking that I should feel happy for him since he found someone that suits him more, cos he's a friend I've known half of my life. But now that we're not like friends anymore, I can't use this excuse to make myself better. I just need more time I know. As I grow older, I realised wounds heal so much slower and scars no longer fade, in fact scars just stay there. It's just the result of getting old!

如果。。

如果真的过得很辛苦，你们会让我走吗？？

wound not recovered afterall

Its been almost 2 weeks since I last blogged. Been happy last week when I met up with my UOB friends (Huan & Angela) and my UniSIM buddies (Poh Ying, Jia Hui, Desmond, Hock Leong and Terence) for dinner, drinks and BBQ. Really enjoyed their companion for the whole week.

Now that I have to start revision for my Psychology paper. Just the thought of studying opens up my wound again...Until now I'm still afraid of waking up despite all the happy moments I had last week. It's already difficult to study alone, to be self-disciplined enough to plan my time to do revision. Now that the thought of revision even open up my wound, how am I going to survive this exam? 心中枷锁该如何解脱??! I've tried doing it myself but apparently it does not work sometimes, is there someone out there to help me? It's just so painful sometimes.. =(

真的好辛苦。。我的声音在笑，泪却在飙。。

走在风中 今天阳光 突然好温柔

天的温柔 地的温柔 像你抱著我
然后发现 你的改变 孤单的今后
如果冷 该怎么渡过？

天边风光 身边的我 都不在你眼中
你的眼中 藏著什么 我从来都不懂
没有关系 你的世界 就让你拥有
不打扰 是我的温柔

不知不觉 不情不愿 又到巷子口

我没有哭 也没有笑 因为这是梦
没有预兆 没有理由 你真的有说过
如果有 就让你自由

摩天轮停住 咖啡杯不跳舞
孩子练习著 让悲伤麻木
快乐也开始麻木

梦中城堡里面跳舞 醒了世界依然残酷

以为我爱著孤独 以为自己不会迷路
以为自己跟自己 再不用谁照顾
以为我爱著孤独 却又崩溃的无助
谁能让我拥抱著尽情的哭？

学习放弃无奈

Just heard this new version of "當我知道你們相愛" by Derrick Ho. The lyrics really pain me..but also telling me to let go of the helplessness..Firstly I need to learn to be contented to reduce the pain. Secondly, I need to learn to let go of the helplessness that's haunting me all the while. This is the journey to recovery.

放棄了　放棄了　放棄了無奈

還記得我們曾是彼此的　唯一

接受了我們情侶關係的　是妳

當我知道你們相愛

有了開始有了未來
在我心裡放不下的也該釋懷
收拾好把它掩埋

當我知道你們相愛
我的心底泛起許多無奈
這時候我該有個專屬幸福　
我會不停的等待
等待著未來

床底的箱子裡一疊疊的　

回憶再厚的思念釋放以後就　忘記

沒結果了　放棄　挽不了　逃避
體驗過了　無數　個複雜　愛情

某一晚在街燈　下巧遇
我問候　妳回應
發現已不再眷戀著妳

我　躺在我的沙發上

看著我們的照片一張接一張
I don’t know since when　那感覺不一樣
妳的美　現在已放在我心上
每分　每秒　每個角落
我會不停的探索
尋找完美的戀曲
Move on　Move on　Move on

知足的快乐叫我忍受心痛

Its been two months since the break up and I've been trying whatever ways I can to distract myself and divert all my negative thoughts. As long as I really tire myself, I will not recall things. And even if I recalled, I'm too tired to even cry out. Exhausted sometimes..

Listening to many songs during this period and there's really a lot of songs out there that suit my feeling. 分手真的能让一个人一夜长大。。I've learnt and understood many things during this time, can't really specifically say out what I've learnt anyway. It's just some thoughts and feelings about life.

Well, in order to be happy and move on, I've to be contented. Only contentment will accompany and teach me to bear with the pain, just like the lyrics from Mayday's 知足: 知足的快乐叫我忍受心痛. And indeed, when the pain is back, I've to remind myself to be contented that my friends are here with me and I've a choice to do whatever I like. Be contented!

而我知道

"微笑 紧紧咬牙 给你祝福 你 自由飞吧

就这样吧 就这样吧
我同意 可是我 泪如雨下

而我知道有一天你可能就这么走掉
而我知道放开手但不知道怎么忘掉"

Even though I've let go, the pain is still there. Memories can never be forgotten, all I wish is that they will fade away while I tried not to allow myself to indulge in recalling the memories. This time, I'm using a different approach to handle this breakup. I've blocked his fb acct cos I feel that it will affect us. It will only remind me of him breaking his promises as friends. I don't want this to happen cos he did help me get out of the shadow of the previous r/s and I'm able to look forward to a new r/s. I want to attain peacefulness so that I can move on with my life.

Sometimes I don't feel anything when I see their pic, but I won't know when the bad feeling will come back to haunt me, so its better to block him off on fb for the time being, just like all my friends had suggested. I hope he will understand that its not that I still feel for him or I hate him so I block him off, but rather, i'm giving myself time to recover fully from this shock. All along I accepted this outcome and I really wish them happiness from the bottom of my heart. He was once my good friend whom I care a lot, so of cos I wish him happy always. Its just about how to deal with it now and then move on normally. I wish for peacefulness right now. =)

There is no why.

No one thinks I've let go cos I still feel the pain. But letting go doesn't mean you won't feel the pain, that is call forgetting. Letting go is about not loving or hating the person at all. All along I know clearly r/s can never be forced and I've never force people too. From the moment he's determined to be with that girl, I've let him go. I never hoped that he will come back cos I know deeply he will not and I just want to move on with my life.

I know I've let go thats why I agreed to meet him last thu. That meet up made me sensed that he totally moved on, compared to the times we meet up before the girl is here to spend time with him. And it really wakes me up that its not worth to feel sad over the loss of that r/s cos he's already with the girl when we break up not even a month..it makes me wonder that they have started even when he's with me. It even makes me feel that I'm just being used all along.

I don't feel for him now, but when I see that he changed his profile pic to their pic and even deleted our pic, I felt that I'm really being taken for granted all these while. Seeing him change to their pic is not an issue, but seeing him deleted our pic is really disappointing but expected, just that not so soon as I expected. Its like another slap to wake me up that he really changed and he don't keep to his promises.

Things he said like "I'll never delete my profile pics even if I'm with her" is just lying me to make me feel better, but these lies will only disappoint me more and totally make me die heart. And it does make me lose the love for him. I hate to ask why cos there's no why in r/s but sometimes I do wonder why he can be so heartless to me. At first I will think he's heartless so that he will think I can leave him without getting so hurt, thinking that he has not changed. But now, I can tell myself that he's really changed, just like other guys. Once you meet a new one, you moved on so fast that you didn't notice you've hurt the others. This is life and I'll live with it! I no longer believe he will feel sad like I believed he really was sad previously. Cos Xinyi is right, he's just doing things to reduce his guilt.

I'm gonna go back to the old me soon, the one who is made of iron, worked like machine, decisive and strong in r/s. Wait for me my friends!

Start of this blog again

Finally edited this blog and started posting after so many years. The last time I posted is in Sept 2006, almost 5 years' time...Time really flies..

Its almost 2 months since the breakup, and its going 1 month since I started working as a temp staff at Aljunied Road. The new temp girl is 8 years younger than me, waiting to go to poly now. When I told her I was enrolled in 2004, I suddenly feel that time really don't wait for us and it really just past by without giving us any moment to even realise it..

I'm suppose to work now but I'm doing all these random stuff..I decided to reblog so that I can voice out all my unhappiness here, forget them and then move on with life. I must do things to move on right now. It's not right to stay put and feel sad for long..

I've slacked too much, time for work!