18 MONTHS LATER

I am always surprised by grief triggers.  This weekend a family acquaintance from childhood thought I was my Mom and asked "how old are the girls now?"  Sent me bawling in the car for 15 minutes missing my Mom.  And I really just wasn't prepared or aware that the 18 month angelversary of Hunter would hit me this hard- emotionally consumed with thoughts of Hunter for days.  I thought we made it past a year and that's when its really hard.  But the truth is- grief can send you spiraling backwards any time.  Grief is always part of my journey now.  Something I read this weekend said "grief is love" and I like that- its so true.  You grieve because you have loved.  We have loved.  I have loved.  Loved my Mom and my Son.

I think part of it is that very rarely do people mention Hunter anymore or our pain or our loss.  Noone references our pain in conversations anymore and its more like we have to hide it.  Or we have to bring it up. Its hard- its hard to be different.  Its hard that when friends with newborns invite us to do something, especially if they have a little boy, I have to ask if the baby will be there to be prepared or to decline the invite.  Its hard that when a neighbor is about to bring home their baby from the hospital and we've carried on talking about breastfeeding and newborn advice that I have to protect myself and stop to say I am not sure I am ready to see him. I have to bring up our pain and our loss and how every day we are envious, jealous, sad, angry and that even though we look and act and carry on like before we had Hunter- we aren't the people we were before Hunter.  We are fragile.  We are sad.  We have to really focus on our emotions and prepare ourselves for situations. It's exhausting.

Everyone's lives go on but part of our life never does move froward.  I am finding that society feels like grieving is for a year and after a year you are just better.  Its not true.  Every day we miss our son, every day I relive parts of my pregnancy, every day I think about the what ifs or spend time trying to find out just why this happened to us.  Why was Hunter taken for no know reason- born perfectly beautiful and healthy, but with no heartbeat? Its heartbreaking and it never goes away.

We are always left with only knowing what our son looked like the day he was born and died. We will only know our son weighing 8lbs 2.3 ounces.  We will only know our son being 20 3/4 inches.  We will only get to hold on to one little lock of beautiful brown hair.  We will only have newborn pictures. We will only have the one video of our son- the one my sister took of us reading to him. We will only have his newborn pictures.  We will never get Mothers Day and Fathers Day school gifts with his new handprints.  I treasure the things we do have but also really grieve the things we will never get to do, to see, and to experience with him.

We love you.

A Big THANK YOU for paying it forrward

I'm sorry about the delay in posting.  I think it was fear and sadness in the conclusion of the year that hindered me from sitting down to write this post.  Maybe that sounds weird.  But some part of me just couldn't write this and summarize all that everyone did- maybe it made it all the more real.  The reality is that I had to ask people to do nice things in my son's honor instead of throwing him a birthday party, picking out his first birthday cake, obsessing about what trucks and balls to buy, picking out the birthday monogrammed coveralls you know I would have found, posting facebook pictures of the cake all over Hunter's face, and so forth.  I guess it all sank in and it just made it hard to write this Thank You Post. 

Just one more thing to process and absorb- and figure out. We really did loose our gorgeous son at 39 weeks for no reason.  Just two days after my Drs appt where all looked good and we were doing our final preparation and nesting, our world changed.  That Saturday afternoon- 2 days before my scheduled C-Section- I felt no movement and we went to the hospital and found no heartbeat.  Its true. I had a stillborn son. We have found no reason for his passing.  Its true and it will always be true.  This sadness and this loss is never going away. For the rest of my life, I will miss my son until I meet him in heaven with my Mom by his side.  I long for that day but also treasure my days here on earth don't get me wrong.

Okay, so this post was to be a thank you.  THANK YOU for honoring our son with the GENEROUS gifts.  I posted earlier about all the items donated that we could take to the Mercy Heartprints group. Amazing. And after that post, even more gift cards and great scrapbook items came in to donate.  It was a beautiful moment to bring all of that in to the hospital and to know that in Hunter's name all the other parents expressing this great loss will find some comfort with baby books/scrapbooks and reading books.

Next, it was all the emails and notes about how you went to Pay it Forward for Hunter! Such beautiful tales were received.  And we heard from many folks at work, at the airport and at home that were seeking things to do in Hunter's name but hadn't quite found the perfect moment.  We thank you for searching and hope you were able to find that special gesture to warm your heart and the hearts of someone else.

Here is a summary of some of what was done for Hunter to help create a happier place all across this country.

A friend or family member. . .
* climbed under and over counters to help another customer in a busy check out line with her purchases
* dedicated time and made a monetary donation to the local Food Shelter and Meals on Wheels
* purchased and donated children's books for grieving children who lost siblings or loved ones
* volunteered at the local hospital and helped someone who is always doing random acts of kindness
* delivered cough syrup to a sick friend
* secretly bought a lunch for a stranger
* secretly bought someones Starbucks order
* made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the homeless

Thank you. Thank you for helping make this last first milestone positive in many ways.  Our hearts were sincerely warmed by your gifts, your acts of kindness, your notes and emails, calls, cards and thoughts and prayers.

THANK YOU!!

Here are a few special pictures and memorials from our weekend in Lake Geneva, WI:

Giving to others in Hunter's Honor

Thank you.  And there will be more thank yous coming for other donations and acts of kindness.

Thank you for the donations to the  Mercy Hearprints group. 

We cant imagine having survived this year without the Heartprints Nurse Leader, Maggie, who met us right after Hunter was born, was by our side every day we were in the hospital, calls us and emails us, shares prayers and thoughts, leads our monthly support group, hugs us, and helps guide us on this path.  Maggie is an Angel herself and is so very nurturing and compassionate.  I am so happy to be giving something back to her with your help- to continue her journey and mission with new books from Barnes and Noble and Amazon and all of the scrapbook supplies she (and her helpers) can use to help make beautiful baby books (we treasure our book). 

Thank you for making this possible- thank you for these beautiful gifts.  Thank you for finding the grief and support journey an important one for other baby loss parents.  Thank you for helping support the current parents and the future parents who unfortunately find themselves part of this group.  We are grateful for Maggie and all of the new friends we have made at Heartprints.

Our hearts are truly warmed in being able to give so many amazing items to Heartprints in Hunter's honor this week.

Love,
Betsy and Ryan

Papers, stickers, scrapbook pages, cut-outs, labels, and gift cards