and what should I do?

Ron Kenoly sings very well and his pnw is very good people. go check him out.

I realise as time goes by it goes less likely that I have a specific topic to talk about.
Its usually about me, which goes needless to say, very suitable for my blog.

Today's probably a little different, considering the fluctuations of my mood throughout this write.

I did storytelling in Bedok Lib today. the ones to little kids, you know, when you're in the library and hear announcements about and expect some kindly lady to be telling them stories.

Well except it was me this time, and a friend of mine. But she's so good its not fair to compare her to me. Parents were staring at me and wondering who's this big brute in the world of toddlers, kiddies and their harangued and proudly parents. I felt I stood out, physically more than others.

So I told a nice story about a donkey. It was called Little Donkey's Wish for the record. I think. It was a nice story and I suppose it went reasonably well. It is interesting because, heck well, when I told my family what I was doing they all laughed.
I liked it. But I'm not all up there for doing it again. Its for the experience.

Anyway, perhaps I'll talk about the army.
One of my favourite topics to think about is the way people think.
I don't make it my whole life but its a pleasant buzz thought that keeps me occupied.
Theres this warrent in my camp who irritates me.

He thinks we're stupid. I'm a 3sg as well, I bloody hell earned my rank. I don't malinger (chao keng) or try to find all means to slacken with. I actually enjoyed my section battle course.
Sure, he has more knowledge. I don't think I actually dislike him, I just really dislike the way I cannot speak up and argue back. I'm turning that way again, no one to argue with. I want to ridicule his basis of arguments.
But I don't. A friend said I'm too soft-spoken to be a sergeant. (we're famous for scolding) and I seem like I might be.
Some people don't make sense. but as I have always thought and will probably not stop in the near future - who am I to judge?
I think my Christian values holds me back sometimes and limits. But logic tells me it is impossible because the long-term benefit and best thing to do is to hold back. Its stupid not to think with logic, yet my actions sometimes coat the banner of illogic.

I sound bitter. I actually hoped I have changed. Have I?
I probably have, questioning after all, means I am growing. it induces change, and change is necessary for growth.
Oh man, look at my chain of thought, I'm tired of thinking in such a pattern.
People around me are impulsing every second and I frankly look on in envy.

But it makes sense to do so!

Its an interesting topic to ponder after a while.

A friend asked me about the concept of free will.
He said, if God knows your path from past to future then where and when does humans have free will?

It was a nice conversation to kill the time, he's really smart.

Now, I think I should change of some of the images people have of me. (It might not be you, but others)
People think I love to eat and snack - well I hardly eat excessively. In fact, if I had my way, I'll live without snacks. I rarely have cravings. I rarely feel the need to eat between meals. However, I show the image that I can eat and eat. Its a funny image, one that probably matches my size.
Well so no you know. Sometimes I skip entire days without meals. Only obligations to eat, I see no need to eat sometimes.

Another image I have is that I'm a talented musician. well, it is true I can play a number of instruments. but I don't think I'm very good at any of my instruments. Its like a Jack of all trades, but a half-assed Jack anyway. well, I really enjoy the drums. But there is so much I don't know its scary after being a musician for so long. I know improvement is important and I think while I love to improve, I never was much good to start with. I probably don't know my right from left in musical terms. I mostly just play along. in terms of if people ask me about music.

Most would argue which either proves I have a good image, or I'm dead wrong and insecure.
Still, I said, its a nice topic to ponder over.
Don't ya think so? :)

Now now, I have been pretty negative. One image I have is that I'm too relaxed about my issues.
Now, I think that image is slightly misconstrued. I put a lot of thought and effort into things I do. If given a task, you can be sure as hell I wouldnt want to fail you, or fail it, or most devastatingly fail myself. I'm pretty competitive, and if you can do something I do better, I'll get pretty mad. I'd want to do better than you. I actually demand high levels of standards in my work(except in anything related to art) and I expect the same from others. Actually the main thing is that if I deem it worthwhile (which is a lot of things considering Jesus said do everything your best), I actually give a whole lot damn about it. Even if others don't really care about it, or change hasn't been there in a while, I'd want things to go according to my high standards. I have high standards, I don't deny it.

Well, these has been nice conclusions about myself. Its nice to type it down, it shows my mood and thoughts when I'd want to read this in the future.
I dont quite know if I have exaggerated but what the heck eh. I haven't found the thrill in taking risks but taking risks is something different.


boy what a long post, I'll like to read it.
I'll write about my tungling friends, mainly nic.
Nic has surprised me. In some ways, he reminds me of someone I didnt get along well with. In fact if you were to mention the word enemy, his face appears.
He was everything I didn't like (surprise surprise). He's character, personality and quirks.
well, I like his straightforwardness from the start.

But besides that, it was difficult to get to actually get closer to him. Many just remain at that point. Perhaps his only appealing trait was that he was Christian and I could trust him.
Yet I am glad I did. Nic is terribly infectious in his views and I honestly to good heavens thank God for him. He has blessed me tremendously. Now I see him and my mood honestly lifts(at an alarming rate) . He's such a guy. And boy was I proud of him when he got the golden award.
I sound like a father in that last sentence. and I dare say he's one of my close friends now. he's a good person to have.

:)

Now if Reuben would to die tomorrow,
let his praise resound.

A new lease of life just started. I'm now a Singapore Combat Bridging Engineer 3rd sergeant of the Singapore Armed Forces. Considering someone might google this, I'm not aregular. But I do my part.

I'm a tad apprehensive and I definately am gonna do more than I was a trainee, after all I'm a commander now. But I don't really want to talk about that.

I really should start praying more. I'm getting bored of things again and I don't like it. I can't seem to find something I like doing. hm. I don't think I should make pleasure my God again. I want to change but haven't found it yet.

Somebody asked me blog more.
And I said I write more, writing comes faster and more naturally.
I dont have laptop snug in my pocket.
Its really good to write.

I don't even feel like blogging now I saw my notebook but my course just ended and I'm happy and comfy right now.
Erm, I'm lost.

I used to be better at this.

I just saw an acquaintence's blog.
She's 13.

Okay I don't know that well and how I came to know of her blog is none of your business.
But some posts and tags got me thinking.

Life for secondary school kids are difficult.
Now, thats my thoughts. But they're swearing a lot more and falling in and out of love.
Well, love.
But I'm not going into to difference in age and maturity.

But its a been heartbreaking to find out things young people have to go through.

extremely grateful to my tungling friends,
They make me feel very good.

I like them.

been a while since I've blogged.
My thoughts always revolve around army.
And I want to be through with it. I figure all the things I learnt in army isn't enough for me to want to go through it.
I have lost some of the happiness and simple understanding of things that I will never get back.
I have changed.
And I don't like it.

But change is necessary,
but i don't care.
I wanna let loose a bit.

I realise no matter how much friends I have in the army, or the knowledge I've gained, I don't really like the army. Sure I have to defend my land, but many of the inner workings don't work out.

I look forward to weekends so bad, and when it comes I dread going in.
I'll be honest, I absolutely dread going in. Its a terrible feeling when I know that I'm not my own man.

Still I suppose I'm selfish, there is that patriotism thing that sticks, but I'm just plain ol sick of it.
Still, its a few more weeks.
Tough weeks.

my brothers, family members.
I will defend him with my life.
with my integrity,
and my intelligence.
my brothers,

What am I getting to?
I'm a sometimes wreck.

I sat in the bus just now and thought to myself "how miserable I am"
I have never said those words, never thought them either.

Whats wrong with me?
I'm getting bored with a lot of things, I went to orchard and saw people and they all seem so pointless.
I went to church today, I really want to drum, but that can't be the reason right?
I taught today, it went not so good I think but alright.
Then in the middle of teaching I got bored again.

Can these young people ever want to grow in Christ?
I know how they feel.
I was one of them.
Bored, unmotivated, mind occupied with other things.
What makes me think I can change them?

I went to play LAN later, reluctantly, I had time to kill.
I didn't want to, I thought maybe I could go back to church to pray.
But both were pointless, I feel that everytime I do the Christian thing, nothing happens.
I do not feel the peace that surpasses all understanding,
I do not feel joy.

I have taught on joy.
I feel like a hypocrite.
I have felt joy.
How can I evangalise and teach if I'm so spritually starved?
I have no idea where to feed myself.

Perhaps its me. I do not have the patience to wait on God.
I try, haven't I God?

I really want to spend time with AhMa, she's a non-christian and it will take a miracle for her to be saved. I really want her to.
But why do I feel in the wilderness?

It seems like I'm wandering around in the wilderness, occasionally finding some puddle of water just enough to sustain me a little bit longer.
I'm starting to give up.

Oh Lord, if you love us so then why?
I'm starting to turn away.
Do something!

I suppose people will tell me all the usuals.
I'm beginning to seek solace in friends.
I message and pester tons of my friends.
Like I need some kind of acceptance somewhere.
Those who I know will give me that acceptance, I stop messaging.
Its like I just keep craving more and new.

Its terrible.

Perhaps I am going through some wilderness.
When will I get out?
I want to just curl up in some corner and do the things I like.
Even then, I have tried that, with my mind guiding me still, is still pointless.

I doubt even my own honesty now,
my vice I absolutely hate but cannot escape.

Lord,
help.
I need you more than anything now.
I don't know where to find you, or the lovely Christian feelings I used to get.
In fact I don't want that.
I want that living water that you said we could find but I can't get within a thousand miles of.

I'm embarrassed, my feelings an open book.
But what the heck,
soon, when I get out, I will look back and praise his name.

Soul, awaken yourself and praise !
Spirit, arise and make music to the Lord!

Ho Wei - 14/04/89
PKC, TP, BUS
Reuben's Blog

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