Enough

The pastor yells to me from the stage, “Let it die! Let it go! Let it fall off!”.

                The past? The past is familiar! I can be that girl who did that but doesn’t! But pastor brings the Word that challenges. It is finished. You have been made clean. Your sins don’t count against you. 

Then. Stop. Counting. Them. But then I’m not “that girl” anymore, then I’m no one.

                Oh, ok, the past is gone. It’s done. Deal with the now. Ok, I’ll deal with it. I can be that person that deals with it! Do this, run here, clean this, help this, be the person you weren’t, and in this I am earning badges in my own mind.  Until there is nothing to do. No one needs help with anything. Small group is cancelled, everyone is fine. Husband makes his own dinner. My hands are empty. I’m no one.

                And God through is Word asks: “How long will you people turn my glory into shame? How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?” (Psalm 4:2)

                Seek false gods? Love delusions? That’s not me…but… Why focus on the past? Because solving those mysteries seem easier then dealing with the present. Why do things for others? Because then I can be in control, my identity can be based on what they think of me. The delusions fade with my false gods.

Then who am I?

                "So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (2 Cor 5:16-20)

                Who am I? I am in Christ, that is my identity. That is enough. That has to be enough. 

Hard Thanksgiving

I am distracted. I look at other's lives and mourn my own. 

I am abundantly blessed. One thing I would change if I could is my past. My past choices. I mourn them. And in that mourning I suffer now. 

"But God can make good out of them!"

Yes but how much better would it be had I been obedient?? SO MUCH BETTER!

I don't even completely understand them. It wasn't All wickedness, selfishness and evil. It's all very confusing. 

I confess, I see a lot of young people around me right now, and I'm so excited for them. They are striving for the Lord and making good choices. I realize they are doing what I wish I had done, they are who I wanted to be in my ideal. I can't pretend the past isn't there, I can't pretend I'm not 10-20 years older then these guys. I can't pretend. . .but I try to sometimes. That's where I get stuck in fantasyland. Dreaming I'm just as young and innocent, and then it all comes crashing down, praise God. 

I could ask, "Why Lord? Why did you let me stray?"

"To teach you."

"But couldn't I have learned another way?"

"No."

Truth is sharp.

I put on a shiny face at church, just what I despise, and hope I get to stay. That my past and those consequences of it won't kick me out or show too much or look to weird or be unpresentable. I get to take it off at worship time cause it's dark. Praise God for the dark that is light to Him.

Lots of people have "stumbled" later in life so I never quite feel safe. 

"Watch out! It could happen at any time! Be ready!"

I don't want to do that again. I don't want to be away from the Lord. That is a lost, desolate, gnawing way to live. And as hard and scary as this is, that is a grave, there is no life there. Big difference.

I want to encourage these young guys, to love them, to Yell at them. "Keep Going!" "Don't Give Up!" "Don't look to ANYTHING but the LORD!" Like a scorched person running from a fire. . .

I read a portion of one thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp this morning. She writes, "I know a neighboring Mennonite woman folding away the clothes of her dead son, and I sit in a room full of the battered and busted and I lament: Please. An He takes the empty hands and draws me close to the thrum of Love. [Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matt 5:4 NIV)] You may suffer loss but in Me is anything ever lost, really? Isn't everything that belongs to Christ also yours? Loved ones lost still belong to Him - then aren't they still yours? Do I not own the cattle on a thousand hills; everything? Aren't then all provisions in Christ also yours? If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost. Remember, 'through many tribulations we must enter the Kingdom of God.' (Acts 14:22 NASB) The dark can give birth to life; suffering can deliver grace. If all the work of transfiguring the ugly into the beautiful pleases God, it is a work of beauty. Is there anything in this world that is truly ugly? That is curse? Can I believe the gospel, that God is patiently transfiguring all the notes of my life into the song of His Son?" She calls this the hard thanksgiving. Thanking God for things that I would call "just wrong".

So I thank Him with my lips and faith, praying my heart will follow.

Thank you Lord for the lost years. That are not lost to you. Thank you that I am 34 and not 24 (and with this I sob, and mourn, and let go, and keep going). Thank you for redeeming my life, my past and future. Thank you for where you are taking us. Thank you for now. Thank you that I can't trust in anyone but you, it's scary but I thank you...

And then, in the midst of choking thankfulness I remember. God has got me. And HE is trustworthy. Matt Chandler said, "God is holding us in the gospel. We'll persevere through this world and all it's brokenness and futile attempts at satisfaction, not because of our own strength but because of God's commitment and power to finish in us what He started."

I am wide awake and exhausted. Everyone in the house is sleeping, even the cat. I am thankful for this silent marathon.

When I try to handle my issues myself without expressing them, presenting them. . .(man those words make it all sounds so neat and tidy) vomiting them (better) before the Lord. I sin more.

I don't know how it works, I don't know why. It's scary trusting God, I want to keep my life and internal messes in-house. . .it seems safer, when it's really not. Trust the Lord, trust Him to show you what's wrong and to help you in it. Trust Him with your past, that is in his hands. Trust Him with right now, where he is sitting with you. And your future that is no surprise to Him. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do Not lean on your own undertstanding; in all of your ways submit to Him and he will make your path straight. (Prov 3:5-6)

The One Where I Am the Bad Guy

I have enjoyed creating, painting, drawing, and inspiring, since I was small. My carrots would talk to each other constantly on my dinner plate. My Mom would regularly wake in the morning to find pieces of art from midnight drawing sessions and an unresponsive, exhausted daughter. I so often want all my friends to join in with me on whatever I am into to cheer each other along the way, whether they want to or not. Though I admit, when I was little I also enjoyed holding hands, singing made up songs, and making strange concoctions in the backyard with mud, leaves and the occasional snail shell or whatever else I could find. But the creating and inspiring stuck with me. I still really enjoy them. Often my notes from work-meetings and sermons look more like coloring books then anything useful. But creating and inspiring brings depth, focus, and expression to my life and I desperately miss them when I don’t do them. And you know? I don’t do them often. They don’t happen. Lots of not happening. So who’s been stopping me?
Well, let me tell you about it.
One day, I was kidnapped by an evil witch. She locked me in a tower and surrounded me with boring-ness. I literally just barely escaped with my life. Phew, glad that’s over.
No? OK how about this one.
I’ve been floating around outer-space in a cryogenic frozen box for 200 years with my other 72 artist friends because we wanted to take over the galaxy in the name of Crayola. Yeah, it didn’t work so, it’s been cold.
No? I know, that was a stretch.
No. Of course not. I stop myself. Actually I am the evil witch; I am the frozen box; I am the tower. I am the bad guy in this story.
The self-criticism in my mind says, “Well you’re not very good.” Or, “You know you’re like a kid who wants their parents to put the picture on the fridge. They humor you, but it’s really all very silly.” And, “You should really let the people who are good at these things do it.” Or the real kicker: "Stop just trying to get attention.” Do you have these voices too about something you love? They really hurt the most.
Well I typically believe them. And I stop myself from trying. I get my drawing stuff out, work on it, then quickly put it away disgusted. I’ll share it a little then stop, for days, months, or years. I talk to people about things I’m excited about, want to share with them, inspire them, then silence myself, deciding that I sound ridiculous and crazy, or worse…creepy.
But it’s time. It’s time to either stand up. Or give up. This starting and stopping IS crazy. The self-criticism has to stop. I’m learning that it’s not from God at all. He made us this way, good or not, talented or not, he gave us desires to do things that we Can do. If only we’d just stand behind them. But it’s a tangible choice. I have to choose to stand. We have to choose to stand.
Or give up. We can head back into our tower and call ourselves mean names. We can get back in our frozen box and paralyze ourselves with fear.  But I’ve decided, today, that I’m done being the evil witch in my own story. I’m going to stand. I’m standing.
I’m standing
…crying, but standing.
Want to stand too? We could hold hands…

A Walk

This walk with K and J really reminded me of the Psalm that talks about how God "hems me in behind and before." I wasn't completely sure what it meant but I know for most of my life it sounded terrifying. When I knew God but didn't really know him it sounded like "Big Brother" creepily watching from a distance waiting for me to screw it all up. In getting to know God better and it's comforting to know he is more like our walk with Joshua. Kris walked by his side and I walked just behind (pushing the discarded stroller), smiling at how he took in his world, watching to see if we could help him when he stumbled and to correct his direction if he wanted to run out and catch the "vroom vrooms" (cars) or put trash in his mouth. We wanted to love him. And our love is imperfect and selfish, but if we hemmed Joshua in behind and before imperfectly, how much more wonderfully does God want to care for us? Jesus gave us some insight into this when he talked about this exact thing. And it brings me back to the Psalm. Here  is the Pslam in a clearer translation.

God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand. I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight. You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too— your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful— I can't take it all in! (Psalm 139:1-6 MSG)

Venting

Baaaaaaah I'm so frustrated!!!

What's the point of speaking truth, if no one wants to hear it??

What's the point of saying anything EVER?

It seems like no matter what I say my own sin, misjudgments, and past, cloud the issue so that others can't hear and I can't speak!

The truth I speak is muddied, and darkened by my sin, or theirs.

But if I don't speak and share my heart I feel like I'm going to explode, but maybe that's even more of my sin nature coming out.

I want to scream from the rooftops: read the Bible - there is TRUTH THERE! LIFE THERE! Pray to the Lord - Vent, cry, communicate!!

See? I say that on even this blog, and I'm sure your eyes just skim over it. You think, "I know, I know" but do you? Do you KNOW?

The only place you find REAL truth in the world are in those pages.

The only place you will find REAL help in the world is from talking to the the LORD of HOSTS! Who WANTS to interject his TRUTH and LIGHT into your situation. But you think, "Oh that's cute. So she's saying just pray and you'll feel better." NO! More then likely you'll start out feeling worse. You'll feel the depth of sin involved in your situation, you'll be humbled by your absolute lack of control over your little world you thought your were ruler over. You'll hate it. And then GOD will give you hope that doesn't go away, he'll give you wisdom that you were seeking, healing for you, and your situation may not look one bit different but YOU'LL be different.

Stop tuning out the truth! Stop letting your eyes glaze over the verses when they are posted on blogs or facebook or in your own devotional. Accept the fact that you DON'T get it, you DON'T have the answer and you NEED help.

I don't care if you aren't a Christian and you think I'm a ridiculous nut. OK wait, that's not true, I do care but really what you think about me doesn't NEED to matter. Pray to God, just try it. It's the only life in the world!
Or if you have been a Christian forever, written countless commentaries have entire chapters memorized. It's the same, YOU don't have the answers for your troubles. And I know you have troubles. GOD wants to hear from you and HELP you in your troubles!! Go to HIM.

Seek him, hunger for him, thirst for him. The same way you feel when you leave your cell phone at home, that weird off kilter, longing to be reconnected, feeling like you must be missing something. Pray for that for the Lord. He satisfies!!

Christianity and AA and stuff

I remember hearing a story about people in AA from someone who used to go. The primary objective of AA is, well, to stop people from drinking. So this particular AA group didn't really care how you did it, just that you stopped drinking. You could develop an addiction to sex, smoking, whatever. But if you didn't drink, you were praised.
I tend to do that. Not with drinking, but with other things.
Following the teachings of Jesus is not simple matter, it's not like a get out of hell free card, that's silly to think about now, it's a lifestyle. And a simple "do this don't do this list" limits the scope of what it is to love people like he did and Judge people like he did (or didn't) and be the person a truly loving God created us to be.
I am astonished at my limited view of what He calls us to, and what he allows of us as well.
I know, I know, whats the point Kristy? Just another of my nonsensical ramblings. MY point is, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry on behalf of myself and all Christians judging you without first making sure I am doing everything in my power to love you. I'm sorry for not loving you like Jesus loves you. With the help of Jesus I am changing to do so better. I'm learning from the one who gave his life for you to be close to him.
Our primary objective is what Jesus came here to do, Love.
(Thoughts from the sermon from Desert Rivers tonight.)

My Prayer Today

Lord,
Bring people to me that hunger and thirst for your Word, so that we may encourage each other.

Otherwise Lord, move me to them.