It's Haunting Me

To anyone reading this, I guess you may not want to read a downer type of post. So I won't feel offended if you just skip this. I just need to get my thoughts out. I'm getting ready to face my past in a couple of weeks. When we go to Florida for the family reunion, I'm planning to make a side trip to Tampa where I suffered the loss of my late husband to suicide. I don't know exactly what I expect to gain from that--some kind of closure, I guess. Anyway, the anticipation, or rather trepidation, of going is haunting my dreams and all my waking hours are in a sort of foggy determination to make it through the day. It isn't really depression. I've lived with the side effects of the above-mentioned event for years now and I've learned how to cope...sort of. It's more of an existential feeling; "I'm here now, and whatever is next doesn't really matter." Sometimes I feel the presence of celestial beings helping me through, and it nearly undoes me because then the tears just flow and flow. Other times I find myself talking out loud, acting as my own cheerleader, urging myself to keep going, to stay present for my family and do what needs to be done throughout the day.

Not making that side trip would, I suppose, alleviate the stress for now, but I think if I go to the reunion without having gone to Tampa first, I'll just feel it hanging over me and ruining my enjoyment of my extended family. So I'll face this now in the hope that it will help somehow later.

Things that have happened lately

I'm a terrible blogger, I admit. So here is a run-down of what's been happening the last couple of months.

1. I went to the Rocky Mountain Suzuki institute, certified in Book 7 and took a course on teaching the Bruch and Mendelssohn Violin concertos (that course was my favorite!)

2. June 20, Justin was baptized by John on his birthday and Father's day. It was a really special experience. Justin is a very spiritual little boy, although you'd never be able to tell sometimes 'cause he's such a little mischief maker!

3. I've been working for Census 2010 since mid-May--2 operations, NRFU (Non-response Follow-up) and NRFU VDC (VDC stands for Vacant/Delete Check). It's been pretty interesting work

4. John has been working on a plan to open a compressed natural gas station here in Steamboat Springs.

5. I just got approval from the Superintendent of Schools here to run a free Children's Orchestra in the two elementary schools, operated by my non-profit organization (Winter Gardens Conservatory Scholarship Fund). That part is really cool, but even more cool is that she (the Superintendent) is going to lend the use of the school district's grant writer to get the program paid for. Yeah!

6. This past weekend, we were in Utah visiting Joey and Justin's birth mother. The boys, this year did better with the visit than they ever have before. I love to see progress!

Bear!

At 2 a.m. this morning, I heard my 8 month old Great Pyrenees guard dog barking. My next door neighbor has complained to Animal Control about her barking at night before, so I got up to put the bark collar on her. I went through the gate to the animal pen and threw the chain over the top to keep the gate from swinging open. Angel (my dog) knows that when I come at that hour that I am going to put the collar on her. She was very obliging and came and sat right down in front of me and offered her neck. While I was fastening the collar, she started to growl at something outside the gate. I turned to see what it was and saw a bear, less than 10 feet away, just sitting and watching me. I quickly dropped the collar and let Angel bark away. To heck with the neighbor! The bear climbed our willow tree. I latched the gate securely and stuck my hand outside the fence to switch on the electric fence. I was so scared, I stayed outside in the fenced area with Angel for the next 30 minutes. The bear finally climbed down from the tree and ambled away. I was cold and really wanted to go inside but I didn't trust that the bear was really gone. I never even heard it walk up behind me before, so how would I know if it had really left? Finally, I decided to make a run for it. I left the enclosure, watching my back the whole time. I made sure to switch on the electric fence again and ran for the house. I couldn't get to sleep for 3 hours after that and I'm really tired right now--also really grateful for my dog, Angel. I think I'll forgive her for the chickens she ate before she knew better.

Chicken Story

I had an aha! moment yesterday as we moved our 10 week old baby chicks into a new outdoor enclosure. John was making the enclosure and I was catching the chicks and putting them into a kennel. They squawked like they thought they were at going to die. When they were released into the new enclosure, which was bigger, better and full of juicy bugs to eat, they were in chicken heaven.

Sometimes when I am going through trials, I squawk a lot and think I am going to die. But really, Heavenly Father is just bringing me to a better place and the trials are a necessary part of the process of getting there.

Joey and Johnny Spillane

One of the perks of living in Ski Town USA is having current and former Olympians as neighbors.  Johnny Spillane came to Joey's school a couple of weeks ago and Joey got his picture taken with him and his 2010 Olympic medals.  Justin was so jealous!

2009 in review.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Merry Christmas!