Unrequited Love - undeserving

To my dear PL

I have said my piece to end 2016.
You had been my hope and gave me a reason to move on from a worthless relationship
What's the best thing that happened in 2016
10 December 2016 when I first met u
That aura
That cute smile
That passive attention

U said to let u have the chance to know me better
I screwed it haven't I!

Should I not have said it?
To me, it was the fastest way to kill off an undeserving relationship so that I can move on again.

I need to cut off contact from u.
Great way to start 2017.
Woke up 5am 1jan 2017 with my heartbroken. Cried, tears, emotional outburst.
Need to move on again and again.

#friendzone

That moment when I realized text are forced. Squeezed out. And needing to ask for a response.

The moment I realized I've been friendzoned.

Sure I'm not a jazz fan or a lit buff

And I hadn't been responding to "listening" to your text

And perhaps a pretty friend hyped you and drained you once she's gone

I dunno just lezzy guesses Coz I had been there too but can't say the same for you

I wanna be single again I wanna be able to choose

Nasty.

Is 11/07/15 the day...

U let me enter into your heart?

廢柴

原來我親眼目睹到
我是一個多大的廢柴

廣東話
普通話
英文

全都一團糟

至於對人，尤其是喜歡的人
更顯示我沒什麼優點
跟了我，沒什麼好處
錢也沒
工作又差
廣東話不好，臉皮又後，自尊心又大，頂我自己唔順！
她想來硬的我更加不讓座，我退一步她毫不猶豫插一把串刀來

我有什麼好
因為我誰也不理，
我很堅定的相信，沒有人會理我。
所以我幹嘛想要去說一些討好你的話

我鍾意你，就係咁簡單。

佢哋話
你係有啲冰
我覺得你其實每一次都只係眼瞓
無精神
我

關於你

你不應許我喜歡上你
但我偏偏很想要你留意下我
我們性格不合
你完全內向，不能隨機應變，應付不了太唐突的變化
你的世界就是那麼單純
你也可能接受不了我的野性
我只想每天都陪著你
但你未必很想要和我在一起

我喜歡你， 為什麼不能在一起？

Quite depressed

Don't know. Lonely?

Lonely?

You are so near me but u refuse again n again. Till i have no more considerations. Till I break u instead.

又有多一個人決定要放棄我。

是我污染了你的純淨世界。

Either u cut me off, or u will just have to grow up and accept that people are indeed a disappointment.

I am. I know. But I didn't cause your disappointment. Your expectations did.

2015

17 jan took a somewhat exciting turn.

Nothing good happens at a club with surrounded with drunk people.

Better to be fully drunk than to be half sober.

I start to think, do I like women only or do I have an unexplainable attraction towards men. Men who pulls me toward them and finds me, the average plain singaporean Jane, attractive as well. Or I'm just convenient and easy to let my guards down. Fortunately, my conscience kicked in and knocked the sense out of me.

But in the process, I know I'm letting people who care, down. This particular person whom I've held a torch for months, has chosen to distance herself away from me after learning what happened. Why did I tell her? Was it for myself? Or did I really want her to care? Better to lay all my cards on the table, or act noble and keep the burden on myself and gain her sympathy later? I think the latter is dispicable if it was deliberately kept from her in all consciousness. So i accept my punishment of being ignored for the next one week. Time and space is the only thing I can offer.

I'm prolly a housefly now and all she wants to do is to slap me.

End of Xmas Holidays

Thought I just penned down some thoughts before going back to work.

That I thought I could achieve something in my love life this holiday. I've made the person in subject (PiS) angry and happy again but I ended up spending my Xmas eve alone, physically. But the PiS stayed on and she was the only person who stayed thru with me cross midnight.

Physical presence is still my top love language, but I see words of affirmation climbing up the list. Presents are insignificant, but the fact that time and energy and thoughts was invested in it, I couldn't ask for more.

This is not about PiS, but a self-discovery journey about myself. How I would not allow anybody's mood to affect my subsequent actions. I am still adapting to dealing with an introvert. I have my frustrations. I have my impatience. But introverts don't like their plan to be interrupted! How many time must I remind myself that I gotta be stronger than this.

So for every rejection / lost opportunity is my next moment for my pampering me-time.

And for friends that I should keep in contact with? Treat myself well first, only then I have the power and choice to spread positive mood to others. It would be selfish to let others carry my burden, which I cynically think that they won't bother anyway and everybody just sub-consciously look for self-benefit.

It's time for bed. And nearing the last day of the year which shall be my ultimatum. Before 2015 will start off on the right foot. Accept, great. Reject, just lots of me-time again. :)

～

Xmas Day 2014

This holy night was our dear Lord Jesus Christ our savior came down to us to separate sin from our bodies onto himself and he becomes the sinned lamb while we are washed clean.

Our heavenly father loved us so much, He gave his only begotten son. Right now, I stand before God all cleansed and righteous because our Lord Jesus Christ has cleansed us.

So, what does that make me as a human now? Doing earthly things like being in a corporate job, stabbing each other and liking somebody of the same gender as me? They are only sinful if other human being sees them as sins. Earthly sins are, afterall, defined by our fellow humans and I will only get hurt if i choose to believe these unworthy remarks - which make these people unworthy of my time and space.

Cutting off all bridges with someone - no problem. It's just another human being anyway. i start to discover that I don't have the energy to be with people I can't care about. I have turned into a selfish person who only goes after my own gratification. Isn't that what human is all about? Doing caring things to another, just to make themselves feel better?

I want to be present to this weakness and to harness it into my strength. No more oh-you-need-my-help-you-poor-thing charity whatsoever. People behind these charities only set it up for their own gratification as well. Admit it admit it admit it, the less fortunate people benefiting out from them are only receiving the by-product of what's left.

2015 will be a better year, I promise. I will turn out stronger and more courageous. and to give a bigger sense of security to my potential partner? Sorry, you will have to grow your own confidence for that.

Discovery Before 30 + Racket Vomit

30 is the age of approaching my prime years.

Yet, strip me bare naked and i stand before you with nothing. I don't have any particular achievements in my life - just really mediocre in everything that I do. I once had a top prize, which was i came in topped for a civil measurements module during my university days. Boy, i beat the rest of my entire cohort on that, how's that for an achievement? Keep that in memory but naturally fades away given time. 

I don't want to look to achieving something anymore. Trophies, honour, reputation, praises are just self-centered desires which do not make the world a happier place. In fact, maybe I would make one more person unhappy because I have taken top spot in place of him/her. So, what are the list of actions I can do to make somebody happy? It doesn't have to be impactful - just something of value the other party can take away from me.

Perhaps honouring my word should be the top priority for me. An engineer once told me he was unhappy that a contractor promised to give him a lift back if he turns up at an event, unfortunately that promise was never honoured and he had to find his own way back home. That made the engineer feel unappreciated and that - was a negative impact. What makes honouring one's word such a challenge? Can forgetfulness be an excuse? Distraction? Or the possibility of willfulness in sales talk.

So understanding myself further, I have to minimize my social network. Strange of somebody to say that, - but I'm neither looking for love nor looking to expand any business. I'm just looking to improving myself and quality of impact on my direct interaction with people. Going to parties just make me expand my network of acquaintances, get drunk, get wasted, ending myself and some strange person's house...

In a span of 10 months, I have dropped friends along the way and i don't find that it was a waste or a pity with such decisions. This is totally the avoidance strategy - but 2 (max 3) are the chances I give to people for making feel small about myself. After 3 chances, off these people go and make some other people feel bad about themselves. These people are educated, sustainable, survivors - I don't need to invest my time in telling them how right they are and not to be bothered about how I feel. and re-connecting with them means I owe them a lengthy explanation of why I've gone missing and i don't look forward to explain dumb questions like "Are you seeing somebody that's why you have forgotten about me". I don't need anybody's criticisms and I'm leaving the dishes UNWASHED as I like it.

It's the age where I have to focus on delivering results at work. A practice of focus & checking & inquiring & building professional relationships, with an additional interest of learning how to code and keeping my apartment clutter-free.

Life clutter-free as well. Just simple, no-drama, no self-pity, no self-victimization, no trying to impress an acquaintance in hope that they would like me, making me a "Oh-she's-so-interesting!" kind of person. They are all meaningless... And if this post sounds digressive and negative, it's needed for purging to be a little more positive about life. Need to purge, purge, purge, purge and detoxify.

  

I know I've substantially gotten over you.

Because a fling has accelerated the process, but has tipped me off-balanced.

I wasn't tempted at all initially, it was totally at it's bay. But I think I'm forming stories again.

Does she even like me, or just trying out, or matter

I find myself gravitating towards her, but the more sides I see of her, the more I'm impressed n the more I find reasons why I'm not.

I have a whole list of rackets about her.
Rackets I don't wish to get rid off, yet I don't have the courage to deal with them.
This is suppose to be just an adventure. Sure, but can you really just change overnight and treat nothing had happened? To just not have anymore reactions towards my touch?

I'm going to delete u this weekend as well.

Not worth my time. Not worth my feelings. Not worth my respect.

Choice time again. And it's walking away from u tmr. If u want, u come and get me coz I've done my part in showing my interest.

It's your disinterest that I'm upset about. I'm upset that I no longer interest u. And I'm upset at myself for letting things happen. I'm upset that I am not strong enough to handle a loss. I'm upset that I'm not strong enough to face another chapter that I have to close.

Upset

It's so difficult to move on from u...

People say I have to move on first and leave it to God for you to come back.

Which means I need to 死心 .

Which means I need to stop loving you.

But how could I do that when u r on my mind the whole day?

Jesus will set things right for us .

Affecting work

Had a bad review at work.

Mistakes after mistakes.

I need to move on from you. The withdrawal syndrome is poisonous and detrimental to my professional growth.

You really fuck my life up.

I hate you. I seriously hate you leaving me.

不需要再想挽回

她对我没感觉了

也不想和我有possibilities

她也不值得

我只是想念恋爱感觉

她真的是不值得

她的美/好/可爱我只能记在心中

The Condo is not going to bring us back and should not be a tool to reconcile.

Only God can bring us back, if He thinks it's the best thing to do.

Only God can heal me now. Draw nearer to Jesus, and get away from poison. So beautiful but so destructive.

Fuck that lazy cat.

Something about Garfield.

You deleted our shared calendar.
You deleted our Wanderlist.
Your telegram's about Garfield.
Your Wanderlist is about Garfield.

I think you are hopelessly smitten by that woman. Why do you like her so much?
Just because she can be there for you?
I know we had our breakdowns, but that happens in all relationship? Can't we work it out?
It's too late. It only takes a kiss to steal a heart.
I had let the ship sail too far.

I should let her go. What happens in the future is unknown.

Condo2

I cannot imagine what the emotions will be like when I receive the keys to the house.

I think too much. But u turn the happiest thing in the world into the most insignificant thing.

As I was drawn to u, nothing could stop me from being with u. Guess now, it's the same for your case and nothing I can get u back to me.

From your tone "I already do swee swee" - means you had all the intention, all the planning, all the scheming done.

I guess it's best just to hold it till 2017 when the MRT is up and best time to sell. Why take revenge, why hurt my pocket. Just leave her to do what she likes ? Or mine to take a stand? My stand will be once MRT is up and running, sell. Just once more year after the SSD period. I will be 32 then and have someone more kick-ass than you.

Condo

From TOP onwards, I choose not to be involved  in the furnishings for rental. I will do my part as an investor of my share. But for as long as you are still with the person you betrayed me for, I will not agree to meet you unless for exceptional reasons.

Reason simply being not to create drama and causing unhappinesss.

By the 4th year come 31jan 2016, the house will have to go. This investment is pointless as it is  no longer a common goal and it's holding up your HDB and my cash to move forward.

Your expected returns will not be in common to mine. We no longer need to work together on this as we have already fallen apart. You chose your path, now it's my turn to choose mine.


Updates
I have been thinking, I must have been a huge cause of your unhappiness. You must have been unhappy about me, just that you were distracted by a new liking.

So if u were going to involve me in any decision making, I say don't. U go as you please. If u ask me, I would say sell now. If you have already made up your mind, please don't ask me for any opinion with regards to the house.

I don't wish to make you anymore unhappy. Rent as you like. Sell as you like. Hold as you like. Dump people as you like. If seeking new pleasures makes you happy, then go with it.  Don't involve me in the furniture buying.  I will not be giving away my sofa set. You buy it yourself. You have your new gf you can ask her for help. I will not chup. I will not be involved. You have already kicked me out in this partnership , I just contribute my share and you do as you please.

Alcohol and breakdowns

White wine :)

I may miss you but I'm starting to forget u....

Alcohol tore down my defenses in my personal space

Just cried like a baby

And let it all out

Haven't I have already blocked you?

I'm crying for the distance between us, physically and in our hearts

Don't come back to me. Ever.

My next blog will take a different tone. My lessons from our past relationship to the being a kickass partner.

Being with you is too stifling.

I'm gonna fly, I promise you. I'll be the bigger person. You are just an earthly human.

reported on last week attests to Facebook's very real capacity to hamper the post-breakup process in the same way that maintaining close contact offline after a romantic meltdown can prolong angst

Blocked. But still crippled.

Suddenly I can understand why people can't function properly after a break up.

Coz I couldn't function too.
I felt crippled.
My whole day becomes in a daze.

Because of your bastard actions. Your irresponsible actions. Your selfish actions.

And this is my crisis to handle.

I love you but just simply hate what you have done.

P. Prince said, the extent you love the person will be the extent you hate that sin in that person.

Blocked. Choose to leave you.

reported on last week attests to Facebook's very real capacity to hamper the post-breakup process in the same way that maintaining close contact offline after a romantic meltdown can prolong angst

Marshall also found that keeping in touch on Facebook nevertheless related to stagnant personal growth.

Your betrayal is fucking painful.

You have no guilt.

You like my fb photos like it's a normal thing to do.

As if I'm your friend. As if I didn't mind what's happening to me.

I DO MIND. I'm not any trashy girlfriend.

我真的不懂我还能撑多久

心里真的很难受

YOU FUCKING BETRAYED ME UNREMORSEFULLY

WITH THAT SLUT

And leave me here to bear the pain and I just hate how you 2 conspired to kick me out.

DON'T EXPECT ME TO FORGIVE YOU

YOU DON'T DESESRVE ANY FUCKING FORGIVENESS

Emotional breakdowns EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY

I CAN'T contact u when I need somebody
Because YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE anymore

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!

Breakdown.

Breakdown again.

From office all the way home.

You only think for yourself. You selfish bastard.

Breakdown again. This is the most devastating loss in my life thus far.

I rather u be dead than to have given our love away.

I can hardly recover from this betrayal.

I don't think I can ever face you again.

Tinge of sadness

I'm sorry I left your side.

No tears today.

This is bound to happen sooner or later.

Tell me where in Singapore  I can go and not think about you.

Woodlands park?
Commonwealth food center?
ikea?
Vivo?
Yishun park?
Thomson?
jurong Point?
East Coast?
West coast?
Chinatown?
Little India?
Bedok?
Labrador Park?

I still can't believe you have moved on from me.

Sad but improved. I know you have gone to a beach resort with her.
Maybe I'm wrong.
But hope you will remain happy with whoever you are with now.

Some job offers  coming my way. Please Lord tell me and give me the wisdom. Are you worth it?

Dreamt of you and me....

The only place I can see u is in my dreams.

The dream was a replay of my perceived reality. It was so real I couldn't get out of bed.

I just feeling damn sad damn sad damn sad damn sad

I don't know how else to feel

你已经不管我了

你已经不在乎了

你已经离开了

Why why why Xiaozhu why?! 

Mattress

You bought a $4,000 mattress and u let someone else sleep on it.

I bought a mattress pad and you are NOT going to sleep on it.

Broke down again

Suppressed till break at end of the day.

Time to let go let go just let God.

Hiding after 1 month

I'm still hiding in a cubicle

Dripping tears all over my feet.

14 days of grief has been extended involuntarily.

The thoughts of your text "I've changed." Just made my world crumble in an instance.

Why couldn't I have been there for you.

You, for one, are definitely not a patient person and it took me so long to get present to it. Including your yearn for love, impatient to just get the deal done.

Next time u ask me out. It's a "no". Like how you had said "no" to me the first time when I was in Chijmes texting you and that lured me to your heart.

"No" is powerful. I have to learn to say "no".

Profoundly Disorientating & Devastating Experience

From a website:

Through a series of sessions I work with the couple and each person individually, to explore the landscape of their lives, beliefs, communication patterns, pressures, frustrations, and disappointments that may have set the stage for the infidelity to occur. Targeting these most salient issues within the couple-ship can help the couple either rebuild a trustworthy bond, or go their separate ways without toxic conflict.

Sexual infidelity is a breach of trust, a betrayal of intimacy in a monogamous relationship that has been entered through mutual agreement.

Infidelity is a profoundly disorienting and most often excruciatingly painful once discovered. Not necessarily because of the sexual liaison, but because of the lies and secrecy that rupture the foundation of trust and commitment that defined and stabilized the relationship.

While some people choose to turn a blind eye or seek to minimize it's importance or impact, infidelity punctures the emotional heart of a relationship. It is a key disruptor of families and is a dreaded and devastating experience in a marriage or committed relationship.

A distinction can be drawn between adultery, as a sexual act outside the relationship, and infidelity, as a sexual dishonesty within the relationship. Adultery may be against the law or one's religion, but infidelity is against the relationship and hence is more dangerous on a personal level.

The parameters of a fidelity agreement vary from couple to couple. Casual flirting at a party may be unacceptable to one pair, while a discreet one-night stand outside Hong Kong may be acceptable to another ('what I don't know doesn't threaten the relationship'). Further definition, clarification and negotiation will usually be required as new situations arise, although far too few couples venture into such discussions ahead of time and pay a high price for this avoidance. But if an infidelity is hidden, lied about or continued behind a partner's back, then a betrayal of the primary relationship agreement or assumptions has transpired, regardless of how the guidelines governing a couple's sexual activities are defined.

Longstanding problems, recent dislocations, myriad home or work stress problems may abound in the primary relationship, yet as Frank Pittman makes clear in Private Lies, “one person cannot make another person have an affair”. Muted dissatisfaction’s; conflicting expectations; conflict or intimacy avoidance; frequent travel; coping with the Hong Kong lifestyle, with its tolerance for inebriation and blatant temptations - all of these will have a personal and joint impact on a couple, but how one deals with them comes down to individual choices.

It is useful to consider the affair as an effort to call attention to the problems in a relationship, although this may not always be the case. Some marriages are relatively satisfactory before the affair. Yet an affair can be a distraction from deeper fears, frustrations, yearnings and disappointment about a union that has become empty.

Patterns of communication within a couple's respective families of origin will also inform their chosen ways of dealing with or avoiding these disagreements and disappointments. Especially if the partners come from families characterized by emotional withdrawal and secrecy, avoidance of conflict, or by continual conflict without resolution, it is likely they will oopt for indirect and unconscious ways of expressing their discontent. As Pittman notes, most affairs do not have as much to do with sex as you might think. The sex is often as good or better at home, although in Hong Kong work demands commonly claim priority over sex and hence may be all but nonexistent at home.

Rather affairs can have the protective function of keeping resentments, disappointments or irritations about the relationship and one's self-worth at a distance. Alternatively, once begun, the lure of the forbidden fruit can become addictive. Either way, every infidelity, be it a 'harmless' fling on a business trip, a passionate tryst or a longstanding affair with a life of its own, speaks to a primary relationship in trouble and deserves to be addressed with integrity.

Chapter closed

Second time back to SG to close this chapter.

I leave back to hk with a heavy heart and tears filled eyes.

If it's all about me, the regret still lingers.

If it's all about you, do what you must to find your happiness.

If it's all about us, somewhere out there, I still see us in our embrace.

I love you I miss you  and I believe we will grow.

You don't know what you had put me through

I bet you had a conversation with her

"So if something happen to us, then XX how?"

And it had to be you to come up with the solution, isn't it?

"I promise you I will deal with it, and nothing will change"


XZ you don't know what you are putting me through. Day in day out it's a torment, emotional turmoil, I can't believe you had forsaken me for someone new. Leaving me on my own to struggle.

It's very unhealthy I'm doing all this to myself. But I really don't have the strength to keep telling myself to let go. After 7 June, all will be deleted. I will have nothing to do with u anymore.

Initially

On the way to Guangzhou, when you told me you were just going out with her, I thought to myself, I have to be kind to you and let you go. 

You  are really an asshole. 

You lied to get the easy way out, as if I was the one who set u free. 

But no. U jerk. You had already done the deed. You choose to forsake me instead. 

I hope she drives you crazy. 

Desperate

You cheated, hence you want to break up.
You want to break up, hence you cheated.

Either ways you are a big fucker.

I don't have strength to control my emotions. I'm in desperate need for God's grace.

Please help.

Mornings

They are the most difficult to start with.

Everyday I think of how you have chosen to leave me.

If didn't want it, you wouldn't have done it.  Nobody could have instigated you to do so. You are no angel. It was your choice. You have chosen not to text me anymore and chosen not to communicate with me anymore.

You have chosen to give your heart to her and leave no room for me.  So if I continue to try to squeeze in, it will cause you distress and you will avoid me to avoid the annoyance.

And I am unkind to myself, trying to fit into a world that doesn't accept me.

Trying to talk to you with so much caution not to step beyond the boundary.

Trying to stop myself from demandin an explanation from u when then the answer is easy: you have stopped thinking of me.  What other explanation am I looking for?!

I just can't let it go at this moment.

It will pass. It will pass. It will pass. It will pass. It will pass.

Emotions strike like being hit by a truck

Just so angry the whole day

So fucking angry at you and your disgusting excuses. 

Happy times are gone and can never be replicated not even when I am back in Singapore. 

And I will not stoop low to be your part time

You are downright a devil. You are no angel. 

You just enjoy, hit and run. 

And claim that you will not make the same mistake twice. Your solution? Going down with that mistake!!!! What the fuck logic is that?!

Is it you stopped loving me? Or is it because you enjoy fucking her more? 

Either ways u r downright disgusting to just throw a 3 yrs relationship into the bin.

Tuesday 3 June 2014

Going through another fucking painful morning missing u.

I had been blind

I had been blind to not have seen you stray away.

Blinded by my own pre-occupation
Blinded by taking you for granted that you will stick by me
Blinded by my own faith in your faithfulness
Blinded by my own ego that no one else is as good as me
Blinded by my naive thoughts of the world
Blinded by my lack of faith in God
Blinded by my own misjudgement
Blinded by my rackets that you don't need attention
Blinded by that thinking you have to give to receive.
Blinded by my own constant withdrawal from her emotional bank

My heart is frozen because I was blinded by love.

Only true love, which is genuine love outside romantic love is the foundation to any relationship because it rubs off them.

And I had to learn it from a Disney movie.

I Miss You

Today I miss you like crazy.

I've deleted photos in my iPhone, unfollowed you on FB.

Even looking at the app Wanderlist makes me wonder - have I ever appreciated you for your thoughts? Or am I just still being a crawler at love?

With you it's my first time I've ever loved so hard. That's why the fall is so painful.

I'm trying to move on but something's holding me back. I want your attention  like u used to give me. The teasing and the poking and so much love you give.

I need you but I need to tell myself, I really don't.

Poem for you

Let's commit the perfect crime
I steal your heart and you steal mine
But you had stolen it and distributed it for free
That crime would be so heinous especially if it involved three.
The only way to cleanse your sins is look at Jesus who bore it on the tree
But your self-righteousness is hopeless and perhaps Jesus Himself would agree
Your time is running out and you fall in love with some chick
She happens to be my good friend but you betrayed me like a dick
Here I am wasting my tears over you
Had I known this is probably nothing new
I know you have been secretly wanting out
喜新厌旧有什么不好?
Day after day my mind is clearer
That you are on your unkind behavior
One day you will live to regret
While that day is when I forget
Do you remember the day we fell in love under the hood
Or how you would deliver my favorite coffee in your boot
Guess not because you are preoccupied with your loot
I have nothing left to say so we shall separate for good

以前有多麼的幸福，現在就有多麼的傷心。

Working helps. It helps to forget the pain and remember the difference I can make to others.

委屈求全是沒用的

突然間瞭解很多人生道理

也更接近上帝賜我的信念

暫時不去讀碩士

等明年看透彻了心，有個平靜才做打算。

How to feel

What to feel and how I should feel. Let the head rule this time or be fully self-expressive?
Dreamers go for the latter, while I am fully aware that loose expressions will lead to death of what's left of our lingering connection.

Should I feel grateful that she still answer my calls? Or should I be angry that they are just mercy conversations to appease me so that I will leave her alone.  I feel both, simply because it's one way and  love unreciprocated .  That her heart is no longer present with me, all decided in a day of lust fuck with someone else.

It's not my fault - I hadn't let her down. But it's filled with deep regret that I was clueless or that I was careless with my communication. Or it's just a matter of time this would happen. Am I not the  one for her? I tried to lead my own individual life , occupy myself when she goes on biz trips and I can't help to think I'm really not good enough for her.

I have told her countless time that I feel I'm not good enough for her. Perhaps what I did was that I had convinced her so. And she took comfort in somebody else's arms.

I'm just plain stupid. I feel really stupid. How could I not showered double the attention since I knew I have left her physical side and that's exactly what I had failed  to give .  I'm too full of myself.  I'm too self-occupied. Gone were the days of selfless giving.

I need to be transformed. But I don't want to do it without you.

If I really want to be selfless, then everything will be all about u  and your request to me is to let u go.     .you go. You go. You go. You go. You go. And take all my love away and give it to someone else. U are not loving. U just stole what I have been giving and u distribute it away like a hero.

Its tipping into anger. And  I have to stop writing now. In order to save my own life.

You no longer text me for fun. You no longer think of me. You no longer miss me. You no longer want to work on the relationship with me. You rather spend your time and money building the relationship up with someone new.  And I no longer get your attention. I no longer get your love. I no longer can live the way I want to because a part of my have just DIED. TORN APART.  While you are happily hugging and sleeping with somebody else. ARGH I hate myself  for being such a big whiny fucked up bitch who refuses to let go.  But I'm doing all this to vent my frustrations so as to spare the rest of the world my nonsense.

I love you too much to hate you.

3 years together. 8may2011-8may2014

Should I let you go? Letting go is just a story. I'm not even physically holding onto you.
Not until you tell me "I don't love you anymore"
Will I then stop communicating with you.
Otherwise, it's no different than any other day.
There's no "waiting". There's only sustaining.
And I've not done my part to give you hope. If really tell me that, then I have to bear the responsibility.

Going HK and losing grip.

I'm leaving for Hong Kong in 2 days and my emotions are volatile like fuck.  What I don't receive triggers anger, upset, unattractiveness, insecurity, unloved. Even though she has already done so much for me. She didn't have to come my house for dinner. She didn't have to do this or that or go to the party with me and she enjoyed herself while I felt left out and unmoved by her attempts. Any romantic gestures  didn't  feel special. Something was in the way and  nobody seemed to have the time for each other since it's CNY.

So when I  asked if she wanted to stay, btw I had spent money to install a ceiling fan so that she could come. more often. The more I do, the more I think it encourages her to come, the fuck bigger the disappointment and anger. And when I can't get things my way, naturally I am inclined to turn to emotional blackmail which I am fully aware it's more damaging than anything else. But excuses galore - who can swallow them? Perhaps only me - that's why when people ask her what she likes about me. The answer is "she can take my shit". Compliment? Or complement? Of coz the latter would be more rewarding in a relationship for no one is perfect.  So here is reason no.1: my stomach doesn't few too good. Reason no.2: you didn't tell me earlier. Reason no.3 : I don't have clothes to wear the next day. Reason no. 4: need to bring his nephew out.

Perhaps she's tired and just want a good rest and not think about tmr. I want to appreciate that side. But I wasn't capable of being gracious towards her. I am just as imperfect as she in because the thoughts of me leaving HK and reliving her of her time I have taken up  is like I've been living in a relationship that is just useless, time consuming and no possibilities of possibilities.

Why I am scared because of past experience? Of how Ernie treated me in the past? It all starts with disintesterest, more NOs, more Not Free, more of going out with other friends but not making time with me. When I say making time, it means I become a priority and she say NO to other to create time with me. So, no more such sweet gestures as I yearn for. Like I would just tell people don't come on PH because it's reserved. But I guess I am losing hold in this.

How about some self-reflection? What have I done for her? This is not a competition on who's better in a relationship. But I guess - what I have done for her is taking all her shit. If that's her criteria for a long and loving relationship, I will consider hanging on.

Too Humchee to post this on FB

Life is too short not to live & not to love. This is my last year in my 20s. I'm not married but I'm happily in love. Because I'm getting older already, time is running out for me, I'm almost finishing up my fertile golden years, hence the decision of stop wasting time and just love whoever I am with now. 

Re-blog Revolution

Tons of people start but never end up finishing. The question is, where's the goal line? Do we always keep pushing the goal post back? My answer is... YES! why not? the day I reach my goal line will be the day I meet Jesus in heaven together with some hot & good-looking angels with mighty swords and six-packs. Not that I fancy them but they will put me to shame.

I can returned home with a fresh piece of lipid test report and the news ain't optimistic. My total cholesterol is 258, where the desirable level is 200. That's considered way above for someone in her twenties. Praise the Lord for 20s. This year is the last year of being in the 20s - and it is going to be the year of Greater Glory, packed with awesomeness, achievements, accomplishments and lots of weight loss! I need a visual aid list for what I have to do at the end of everyday / week. For the past 1 year since my last post - I have resigned from my favourite company to make it out in another. Triggered by articles that egged me to get out of my comfort zone because that's the zone where money is up for grabs. Facebook has become and addiction as I add more friends and blogging is becoming a passe unless I could bitch as eloquently & stamina-defying as Xiaxue, who is now a proud mama of a mixed-blood charming child.

I had gone through a number of visits to the hospital - A&E, surgery, tests etc. Pray God for his protection - He makes sure that I make it out alive each time.

Landmark had been good to me and I dropped out of Living in Passion. I'm inclined to disclaim and say "don't ask me why" but it's vomit inducing together with " I beg to differ" & "don't get me wrong" & " Please allow me to explain". I'm proud to be a Singaporean writer but we could do better with the vocabs and expressions. So, here I am going to say - I was a fish out of water attending LIP. Like boobs Angelina Jolie could do without. Granted it's an impactful program but 6 days was hell a lot of time to wastin playing 10 out of 10 and repeating it again and again every 5 minutes of high-5s and screaming drama therapy. So I spent those days studying for PMP instead. Got my cert and then, what's next?

Nothing comes close to me heart now, other than my walk with Jesus and my love for my family and my beloved one. I'm considered a baby Christian, accepted Christ on 121212 - and the bible seemed like never ending of extreme drama, fury, incest, jealousy, countless offsprings and complicated names to identify. As much as I love reading, the bible is one book that requires attention, conscious thoughts, and lots of seeking. For every verse I read, I question - so what's Jesus being ? I don't get whole complete answers - but I tell you - biblical stories can be pretty intense yo. Old testaments are the best. And it gives me a pretty good sleep after reading. I recall days where I read Lincoln Rhyme crime stories. They are by far the best fiction thriller books I have ever read that kept me up all night. But now, my iPhone has seem to have kept me occupied which i'm now present to and should kick-start the habit of reading REAL books!

Then investment - I attended a $3,000 course. very good. very comprehensive - but I got stopped by my own doubts and thinking I don't want to spend $300 on the software and another $300 on the subscription and 2 hours a day calculating my trades. *Come I clap for you* So to date, I have no equity investments. only a quarter of a PRIVATE PROPERTY. Not bad to start with right? This is an area I must work on! I shall not retire poor and ignorant. Poor maybe, but pinch my brains a little, ok?
I have a brokerage account, this and that, and they will soon become food for termites.

So career has been pretty chill for me. Not much work-related stress but there's like certain people-related stress. I should say people-unrelated stress. They are not related to me by blood and I couldn't relate to them by conversation as well. So as clear and smooth as a hard-boiled egg white, its unrelated-people-unrelatedness-related stress. If you think I can't stressed that enough - Here's another analogy: An acquaintance that doesn't click. Well, so i'm scooting off to Hong Kong and the payoff being I have to leave my love behind. To make matters worse, I brought up the possibility of taking a 2.5years part-time MSc there. A rush to accomplish everything under 30 (Don't mention S*SV to me. Useless bunch) - I think I'm bigger than that. Having said that, I have nothing to boast but emptiness inside.

Travels - BKK Japan Cambodia Taiwan Vietnam KL with my love. The company beats the travel per se hands down. I love my love and I love travelling with the one I love. Lots of teasing, lots of hugging, some disagreement, lots of comfort, lots of happiness, lots of warmth just from staying beside each other. So I have to create a possibility of constant communication, room availability at any time, regular travel back to and fro. I get unmerited favour of craving out my career - a chance not everybody has or appreciates. What's spending $300 every month to maintain a love relationship of a lifetime? It's in my budget and a budget that needs to be spent. Whether it's my ticket or her ticket. She doesn't deserve to pay because I'm the one that knocked her up.

So anyways, last advise of the night:- eat that frog in the morning. Then spend the rest of the day surfing blogs.

Peace.

It's the birthday today, and birthday wishes diminish to 3 just after midnight. Not that i mind, but i think it's a sign that birthdays don't matter much anymore. It only matters when it comes to my significant other.

Past 12:01 liaoz... still feign ignorance dun wan wish me happy bird day lorh.

Well, pretty eventful this week. That brother of mine went for this LM forum which was made up of mainly tears, which egged my brother on to re-conciliate his differences with our parents. If u hadn't talked to your dad in 10 yrs, pick up the phone and call him and *boom* it's resolved.

IF ONLY IT'S THAT EASY.

and because he's my almost-only brother, i have stand by his side, and so, i got roped into the fun whirlpool. Awesome ride. Now our house has become another LM forum too.

Anyway, just 3 hours ago, it was my turn to a HTHT with my parents. I didn't admit, but i didn't deny that the past few normal relationships i had were a waste of my time. It's not that i didn't try, my mum would then say, try again, but well, we are finally judged as abnormal beings.

If LM forum would to teach us anything, it would be: no expectations, and if u want them to accept who u r, then u have to accept how they are taking it.

But u be accepted and to be judged and step into the house with the parents looking away upon eye contact, that is... not very good.

Feels not very good.

Thinks is not very good.

It is indeed, not good at all.

I still want my parents to love each other. They support each other.

and I look up to them. I take them as my role model.

I am not going to give up, even if you give up. These were the words from you to me, which incidentally, is also my birthday wish for us.

Peace.

Thanks to my squadmates too. I will stay strong.

Pampered.

Work is becoming meaningless.

I am getting better but the work doesn't become easier.

Positive thinking is when u see these obstacles as stepping stones, and that it will drive us towards success.

But what is success?? How the heck do you define success? Climbing up the corporate ladder? Earn $15k a month? Getting high visibility from client / bosses? Be in the room contributing to business development full of junior angmos and senior Singaporeans?

Don't you define success for me. You don't have to do this for me. Be in your own rat race and keep me out of your stupid politics.

Grumblings are futile. I am doing your work now out of answering to you, to hell with 'driven by your own motivation'. I feel like i'm surrounded by your negative energy, i sit in front of my laptop and stare at your spreadsheet and resign to it.

Then i think to myself: I better do it or else, i'll be fucked.

Life is so much better when you are around.

The wait worth waiting

原来这种感觉就是那么幸福

First investment Portfolio

I think I'm just blessed and lucky.

Because of who I'm with, I experience something new, or even skip the intermediate step and dive straight into advance class.

Because of my previous x 3 r/s I learnt about car financing, insurance, almost conned into signing a car purchase order, Ja*k Cars, I still rem. and yes, co-financing a car without owning it is stupid now, but a natural act then.

Because of my previous x 2 r/s, I dun remember learning anything, except
for knowing what I dont want to be.

Because of my previous x 1 r/s, I learnt that it's possible to be self-sustainable, and that a person can be such a wreck after alcohol.

Because of my previous x 4 r/s, I learnt that not all Ang mohs are born exciting. Because whether Chinese boy or Ang moh boy, boys will still be boys.

Because of my previous x 5 r/s, I have travelled to Tibet and knew what its like to love deep and what its like to cry for months after the break up.

Because of my previous x 6 r/s, I think I knew what sex really is.

Because of my previous x 7 r/s, I stayed away from r/s for 5 yrs.

Because of my current r/s, my mind is occupied with her almost every single day in this 8 months, until both of us got pre-occupied with something else : refer to subject title. It meant more than anything to me. It meant more than giving up my cash now. It meant that u and I, we are perfect for each other. It meant that u and I, we compliment each other. It meant that u and I, will soon be landlords.

It's a wonderful feeling isnt it? It's wonderful only because we will go through this together.

Very blessed indeed!

Struck by a bug

The feeling of bedridden really ain't great. You look terrible, hair unkempt, eye bags are deeper, and a weak body just makes you feel so pathetic.

Slept for about 7 hrs or so in total, and its only 9:30pm. Sick people really make the most what seemingly like unreasonable demands. And honestly, I was almost tempted to threaten - something that may irk even the kindest person in the world.

Sickness is more than physical. It not only calls for drugs, most importantly, it calls for emotional comfort. My eyes hurt this afternoon, truth was, it was triggered by my mum not listening to me. I wanted to make my stand but I was unable to. My tummy was a mind controller, and suppressing nauseousness was hard. Let's get straight to the point: I wish u were around. But it would be selfish of me to take your time and risk spreading the virus back. and I recognize that feeling in the setting between 2 people. I can only hope that my imagination is taking me on a wild trip!

And then I received a call.... This is probably the best gift I can ever receive.

Waiting for you!

I have been given the decree to record as much memories as I can. Well, I love the way my XZ wants it to be done. I'll try my best to take action. ;P

So, on Thursday, I went for Mani and Padi and Ms forgetful here didn't bring an open toe slipper.

Y U NO BRING SLIPPER

The manicurist was concerned and was about to refuse to paint my nails, until I said "会有人帮我带，没关系， 继续弄" - Crossed my fingers, made a call........ and guess what, I had to trouble my XZ to drop her things at home and to drive all the way to lot 1 to hand deliver her slippers. Ooops.

I'm glad she had already filled her tummy, and suddenly this awesome smelling piece of butter waffle appeared right before my nose while i was dozing off being serviced. Oh my... u the feeling of being loved? If you don't, then let me tell u, I feel it from inside to outside, from head to toe, into the depths of my spine (heart)!

Take away the slipper, take away the waffle, take away the hungry self, the person standing in front of me was a person who loves me and shows it. Someone who believes in herself, her faith and in love. It will take me a lifetime to be like her, but as long as i am loved the way i am, then there's nothing else in the world that I want.

Okok I have digressed again, here's a summary of the recent good stuff:

Accompanied me for dinner at Bukit Gombak teochew mui

Rubbed my tummy with 上票油when I'm groaning in pain from monthly cramps

Stayed up late to wait for my return from my colleagues' crazy drinking session at Club Macau

Bought me an iphone 4gs

My mother was always the priority in our recent taiwan trip

Accomapanied me to Orchard for Christmas despite the wetness and the crowd and made her fren's all go "huhh? u how old already still go Orchard on Christmas??"

Gave me a postcard from Taiwan - Saying that she loved the trip (She bought this card in front of me, behind my back. LOL)

Ok lunch time, may the force be with u.

Back to Blogging

Ever looked back on your life and realized that hey, I used to be passionate about it, but now, I can't remember the last time I did it?

Everybody goes thru this phase- confirm n chop. And blogging is what I'm talking about here! Since 2003 I've started and now it's stopped?! Look at the powerful social media now and successful people who made ridiculous amount of money from hobbies which parents have thought there was 'no future' for. Of coz hobbit here, is just a hobbyist. No cash to talk about.

Successful blogs entries are those that can relate to people and provoke them to think and leave a comment saying "yes I agree! SPH should step down" or "no u idiot blogger, let the head roll, ". How should I then, set the direction of this blog? I think, nothing too difficult, this is just a place to poke fun of yourself because me, the author, has all the rights to! Me is reign this realm!

Since sept 2010, been a little rough where relationships are concerned. Partly confused, partly definitely knowing what I DON'T want. no matter how resilient u are or faithful u r to your cause, people being people will still waver. Not because they want to, I believe that u should never fault a person who changes the direction of the sails because new opportunities, new emotions, new people and circumstances gets discovered as each day passes. Relationships are like science experiments. Some get spot-on results, while others, with a conscious mind, decides to mix orange , durian & pepper together, just to wait and see what juice they get.

Enough rattling already, for I've gotten out of a 2 yr relationship after I kissed someone at a club. this kiss led to something life transforming. I cheated, yes, I did not seek to be forgiven, instead, I hid the truth and kept running and figured which escape route to take. So, I didn't go with the guy in the club. I wanted to try office romance, since I knew what I didn't want anymore.

As I'm blogging I'm reaching my destination soon. Carry on reading if your heart resonates with my blog entries. May the force be with you.

I am truly an Aquarius girl.

If i say i don't want to, I really mean it. That's because Aquarians are free people, living life without restraint.

Most of the time we love to help others. and love others. Maybe we love too many people, that's why we can't settle to love just 1. And I don't just mean romantic love.

But still, Aquarians are human and human make mistakes. No, maybe mistakes is not what we make, it's more like thoughtless head-banging through windows and doors. We don't see them as mistakes, maybe we just regret why we didn't choose the prettier window instead. We'll still smash them anyway.

Give Aquarians a pair of wings and they will be grateful for live. To ask us to do something against our will more than 3 times, and trust me, we will be annoyed.

Zone out.

The Aquarius Woman

An Aquarius woman is unusual, startling, even unclassifiable. The typical Aquarian woman is atypical, unique. She wants to experience as much as possible and is not afraid of consequences. Every experience is valuable if it shows something about herself and the world. Intelligent and talented, she would rather be judged for her abilities than her glamour and sex appeal.

The Aquarius Child

There is nothing conventional about the Aquarian child. This youngster enjoys going his or her own way and is apt to rebel for seemingly no reason. Although likely to be intelligent -- even brilliant -- he or she does not fit a prescribed image. Their curiosity is stronger than any other characteristic. The Aquarian child needs parents who encourage his or her need to be different.

The Aquarius Lover

The Aquarius lover is full of surprises. They simply cannot be happy or fulfilled unless they are free to do as they like. No matter how deeply in love an Aquarius man or woman may be, they are never willing to sacrifice their autonomy. This has doubtless ended many a love affair or marriage, but they always put honesty ahead of romance.

The Aquarius Friend

Aquarians tend to collect friends the way some people put together an eclectic art collection. Unfortunately, the typical Aquarian may have so many friends that it is impossible to have an intimate personal relationship with any. Some Aquarians may use this as a way to maintain emotional distance.

i've been watching my diet and exercising less rice, less fried stuff, getting more frequent hunger pangs...

and a 4 days indonesia trip had spoiled it all..........

gained 1KG - and having taking baby steps shedding 200g every 2 days, gaining back 1KG seems like disaster!!

alright, weight is like the stock market. except that the graph must go the bearish way. Look longer term and hold on tight till it drops rock bottom...

15KM Real Run coming up!

Would anybody be interested in a mini triathlon next year?

魂不守舍

indescribable. Need a hand on this.

Running away is still my forte.

Got down to a short trip to Jogjakarta with 2 of my favourite colleagues. I'm grateful for their company because they didn't have to agree to my trip proposal in the first place. The plan was to run away for 4 days. Run as long as i can away from the sphere and yes, it takes your mind off things and you get a whole new breath of fresh air.

Don't want to be in the radius. Don't want to part of this life anymore. I'm a new hobbit who will love the life i live. Then again, it's still pretty tough - Suddenly after-office hours become empty and and the highly strung mood sets in. Have you ever had the feeling the person you broke up with would come back again but once you see the no. calling on the phone, u just wanna take the phone and smash it through the wall? Such angsty being. You just wanna stab the person and run away.

Im so tired and i bruised my toe i can't run for the bus.

S8P sounds like a good acronym for an open secret.

My goal is to drop 6kg, believe me, i am verging on being overweight soon. I am told that i am blessed with child-bearing hips, or that the fats are coagulating away from the heart, but i swear, it has always been embarrassing to walk into a boutique shop to ask for a S size top but an XL bottom. Just ask Wen - the sales lady thought i might need an L size shorts but to her horror, none of the size could fit me after doing an actual measurement of my hips. alright, no one bothers my laments.

I bought a book from Borders then, to keep sight of my goals - "Daily Planner Workout Journal" that will keep me on track for 26 weeks. To those with a SxxP target to meet - This book is recommended for you. It doesn't TELL you what to do - It doesn't have any step-by-step muscle breaking cardio workouts. It just records what you do to make you proud of your daily achievement. Overtime, results may or may not show - at least you know you know you have tried your best.

Shedding xx pounds is a goal, but don't let it be a target. Play more anything, eat more whatever, just cut down on the beer and you are on your way.

Cheers.

5 months of hiatus brings 5 months of undocumented memories. If 5 months felt like a long time, then i must have lived my life pretty well. This cyberspace will dissolve if not for a certain squadmate who woke me up from my blogsleep.

The horrible auntie is back in the office and she sits beside me again. By some stroke of unluck, she tried to communicate with me but it just didn't work out. I did nothing and it just started out on the wrong foot. There's really nothing I can speak to her about and it's just not worth the effort.

In a nutshell: A call comes thru and it was for me. The phone was picked up by the auntie whom she put on hold and said nothing about it. Thinking that her mystical power would work, she turned around and demanded for a reason why i am not picking up line 1. Really, I detest the way she calls out my name. It's like Y!! . J!! . both in the 4th intonation of the chinese hanyupinyin.

*sat down at my table with my drink

"YJ!!!! WHY R U NOT PICKING UP LINE 1?!"

"huh?"

"I told u that line 1 is yours!"

"DID YOU?!"

"Forget it."

and so, it ends here. Such affinity with my neighbour at work.

That's the snippet for the day. Come back for more.

I've got a new toy.

and i would love to bring it out to play.

it loves coffee, eggs, cool temperature, peace and does best with its 3-hole partner.

Please recommend me places with the above list existing.

I think i'm going to visit this place called the Geek Terminal.

Doesn't have 3-holes, rather, has an endless strip of pleasure.

Geek Terminal @ Market Street

My new Macbook Pro would definitely love it.

No matter how i search, there is NO articles on bicycle rental along Western Adventure PCN on the internet. So i presume there's none.

Then how?

How?

Then like that how to ride the PCN experience?

HOW hoW???

sometimes, i hate living in the West.

2010 RESOLUTION

yes, i'm on of those who actually penned down some resolutions for this year.

I did one for 2009 and i had only achieved 3 items out of 20. Why? Because of 2 reasons:

1) The resolutions did not follow the first principles of goal-setting: SMART. Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and having a Timeline.

2) The paper was folded and tucked away neatly inside my wallet, thinking that i'll still be watched over by bringing it by my side. The truth is - Out of sight, out of mind.

So I have made my 2010 resolutions following the SMART theory and i will pin them on my ceiling so that i will look at it every night before i sleep. Heh, i'm kidding.

In a nutshell, I have made resolutions to participate in running events (to lose that butt, actually.), pass that darn diving first-aid test that me and Jacq have been procrastinating for 2 years, get that 2-star kayaking (before my PAssion card expires), play more badminton and to finally save up for a Japanese pub crawl.

I hope u guys had a good 2009. Let's all hope for a no-retrenchment, big fat bonus, and a joyous year ahead!

Hello my readers,

(if any of you still exist...)

Sorry to have disappointed you if you had hope for some new posts...

i'm back now and i hope i will blog more often!

Had a simple Xmas gathering with my badminton kakis, and yes, i've been playing badminton regularly for the past 1+ year, even getting some proper coaching and taking part in a mini tournament but lost terribly. Wen and i had discussed this before about taking proper coaching and having to face people's puzzled frowns. At the end of the day, it is us who benefits and them who watch and stare.

I am now a pro-proper-coaching person. Whether is skating, cycling, running, tennis, volunteering, however easy the sport/hobby may seem, i say, go for proper instructions and it makes a whole lot difference to your life! You will see shoes, rackets and life in a different light.

Yes, i had a friend who went for a barista class (fyi: coffee making class) and now he can discern a bad latte from a good latte and make perfect espresso for his future lucky wife.

There's so many things i want to do, including those mentioned above, but being an OL also means pay-more-coz-its-peak-hour. damn it.

Anyhows, I ran my first half-marathon in 2hrs 49min, bought several novelty items like the Cyberclean (www.cyberclean.ch) and the Powerball (www.powerballs.com) and down with an upset stomach on Xmas.

Not to mention what's happening at work. Many things. Many many things.

Pulau Mabul, Pulau Kapalai & Pulau Sipadan in a nutshell:-


Lionfish caught in action while feeding.

Peacock Lobster


Hermit Crab - Not to be eaten though. Nice pose with the shell, dude!


Sipadan's pride - Sea Turtle in its most seductive pose.


SHARKS - As close as you would dare - an indescribable diver's achievement.


Fantastic trip. Richest marine life. Best trip ever.

The month of July has constantly given me the strange, yet familiar feeling. Till I realise now why.

It was the time of National Competitions back in JC, the time of intense academic pressure and the youthful days were peppered with life lessons. I remember what this strange feeling of July came about. On the 24th July 2003, a friend had left this world, leaving many of us seemingly lost part of their souls along with you.

The song wo niu (by Jay Chou) randomly yet timely, played on my iTunes, a tune i have not heard for a good 3 - 4 years. It was this song that reminded me of you - to me, this song is synonymous to you. The 3 minute song that tells me the story about how you were so strong, how you used to love and how much personal attention we gave each other even though we were from different schools. I was anguished for a good 3 months, in disbelief that I would never bump into you again or call each other up again, or spending countless hours preparing for a humanitarian trip. You weren't like any other person I know. You would be a singer, a scholar, a traveller, a counsellor, a joker and probably the most cheerful and optimistic person ever.

I think of her now, and realise I have not thought about her these few years. I guess, life is indeed too short.

Non-European QSs to be barred from UK jobs

30 April, 2009

By Joey Gardiner

Redundancy spike prompts committee to remove QSs and project managers from skills shortage list

Quantity surveyors and property and construction project managers from outside of the EU are set to be barred from competing with EU workers for jobs in the UK, because of the leap in redundancies in the sector.

The Migration Advisory Council yesterday recommended that QSs and project managers for “property development and construction” be removed from a list of occupations where the UK is suffering a skills shortage....

...The shortage occupation list is devised by considering whether the occupation in question must be sufficiently skilled, whether there is a shortage of workers and whether it is sensible to fill any shortage with workers from outside the European Union.

That's why i'm still stuck here!!!!
and the people on that side must be cheering. these people can be extremely xenophobic.

The Song.

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
No!

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....

You'll always be a part of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

Always be my baby

4200m. 6 hours. 6 cyclists. 6 nasi lemak. 6 burnt. 6 wet.

1 injured. 1 pseudo birthday boy. 1 pseudo couple.

great day out today.

now now... i am absolutely exhausted i don't know how to re-conciliate my cost reports for my client by tomorrow. i will be dead.

2 more days and i'm going off to Taiwan for a week.

I'm taking a break from the computer and the Gmail.

I wonder what will happen when i'm away.

Cliche but i'll still do this anyway: pen down some lyrics that has been ringing in my head repeatedly. (Thanks to Campus Superstar)

站在十字路的交点
该怎么走
我却只剩回头
除了你给的伞我再也没有
别的借口
去拥有你的什么
你能体谅我有 雨天
偶尔胆怯你都了解
过去那些大雨落下的瞬间
我突然发现
谁能体谅我的 雨天
所以情愿回你身边
此刻脚步会慢一些
如此坚决
你却越来越远
牵手和分手来自同一双手
做回朋友
我却为何不懂挽留
你能体谅我有 雨天
偶尔胆怯你都了解
过去那些大雨落下的瞬间
我突然发现
谁能体谅我的 雨天
所以情愿回你身边
此刻脚步会慢一些
如此坚决
你却越来越远
是否太晚路已走远
我的眼眶泪太满
走不回你身边
你能体谅我有 雨天
偶尔胆怯你都了解
过去那些大雨落下的瞬间
我突然发现
谁能体谅我的 雨天
此刻脚步会慢一些
如此坚决
你却越来越远

I'm still that silly die-hard Stefanie Sun fan. The fan of moving lyrics. The fan of moving words.

It definitely isn't a bad thing to be a big fish in a small pond. I've got a pretty good stuff for a book prize. =) While the rest of the Dean's Listers just got a certificate. They sure do deserve the honour but book shopping sounds more appealing!

Hee. Time to get some Dilbert Comics!

My ELDEST brother's ROM!!!





the proud husband and wife!






will someone advise me on how to get rid of those dark rings? PRETTY PLEASE?

=/

Note to all...

hi Guys! i sprained my ankle last week and i'm recuperating now... the swell should go down in another week's time but by the doctor's decree, i'm banned from excessive walking and no exercise.... so i'm sorry i have to turn down gym/ skating/ jogging/ kayaking ( i know kayaking only use hands but i will still need my legs to carry the kayak down to the water!) es cetera ...

600th post

Weekly badminton session at Toa Payoh CC...

and then, i'm baikahed...

Going to a chiropractor can be informative: i learnt that chicken wings are red meat but chicken breast is white meat.

eating too much meat makes u sleepy: like lions sleep after they eat but deers are always on the alert.

eating too much fish makes u short-tempered.

people can live the whole day on just rice and curry.

by the way: anybody interested in learning balloon sculpting? i'm going to learn on my own some time 2 weeks later... interested parties can come over my cck nest to join in!

Bad times ahead for Singapore exporters

8 Oct The global economic slowdown has already taken its toll on Singapore's non-oil domestic exports (NODX). NODX dropped 14% in August from a year ago; the fourth straight monthly drop. Analysts said weaker demand for Singapore's products from the US and Europe is the main cause for the plunge. The US is likely to head for a technical recession while Europe will experience a period of stagflation. These developments do not augur well for Singapore's NODX in the coming months. Except for Indonesia, Singapore's NODX to its 10 major markets tumbled in August. The top contributors to the NODX decline were the EU, the US and Malaysia. The NODX's poor showing last month reflected the contraction in both electronic and non-electronic shipments. Domestic exports of electronic goods, which have been falling since February 2007, plunged 19% - against a 14% decline in July.

oh yea! had my first gym session today with a personal trainer... he made me do every available machine in sets of 2 x 15 times, a number that seems very far away after u hit 12... it'll turn familiar : " one, two. three. four. five. six. seven. eight. nine. ten. eeeeleven. tweeeeeelve. come one 3 more! thirrrrrteeeeen.... 2 more... fooooourteen!!! LAST ONE!! come one! one more time! FIFFFFFTEEENNN!!!!

and u're done with set no. 1 ...

heh heh. well it wasn't too bad! the female changing room has lots to see, i'll spare my readers from any graphical contents, i now wonder what the male changing room has to offer... *slurp* hahaha... hot bods or blop flops...

Met up with sde peeps and we traded some work stories... i'm so glad to be where i am although i think i still have the capacity and energy to learn more like those in d-l-s... sometimes i think i'm underworked in >< i always find myself announcing my colleagues "please use me NOW!" - and i've been made useful all the time... pretty excited over my ppp project... it's the only project i think we can truly make some substantial influence for the good of the users - as opposed to QS bowing down to the clients all the time... worse if there are more than 2 cost-sharing clients... we are like the lawyers here, finding bits and pieces of evidence to prove the other client wrong, that they should pay more and use less...

i'm still young. i should be grilled as much as i can. but in >< , they let me be grilled as much as i want.

anyway i just recalled in our ND rally speech, it was mentioned that working, married and raising kids is what life should be all about. absolute and almost a futile attempt to define what life is in Singapore. i must say, i was a little angry and pretty disappointed by that line made, living here is great, fantastic, have anything u can ask for... the downside is, u have to work doubly hard to compose the life u really desire - especially if it isn't exactly in line with what the gahmen wants u to do.

Hello... life have been slow... especially when you're broke and you're just waiting for payday to come....

Nothing much in my updates, just signed up for a gym membership recently... will hit the gym pretty soon! paiseh if my consultant called u la... hope won't under utilize it, like everybody's telling me... the trainer was even telling me i have to gain 3kg to be considered fit! but ah ha... there's another implied meaning... what he meant is that i have to lose more fats and gain more muscles so that i have a nett gain of 3kg... then considered fit! so scary to know that i actually dun have much muscles wrapping my bones...

anyone wants to join me? =p

My family photos! nice arh............my mummy is so lucky to have my daddy.................

wondering why the 3 kids are wearing white? haha coz we went to have our graduation photos taken.... going to get it soon as soon as they do the digital touch up...

God has been kind to me. Blessed with a good job at a great location... if i could ask for just ONE more thing... i would ask for...











NO MORE PUFFY EYES~~~!!!

and my life would be more than perfect... =)

at >< now... working...

the time's passing pretty fast today, getting very closely acquainted with mr mechanical and mrs electrical... and their kids, hvac junior boy and plumbing junior girl... they are quite a fun family to hang out with. Always making me laugh and pulling my hair out....

bosses are funny. esp when they play with a squeeze ball and throw it at you when you're hard at work. arh well, need a little comic relief at times. Sat down for lunch with 3 married men and a young Mauritius guy, listening to stories about how embarrassed children can make u... How when they start to learn how to talk and begin to question you... cute but not so cute most of the time... Family life sounds quite fun eh? Maybe i can start with a dog. A well-groomed dog... a dog that can listen to your sorrows and sits down beside you when you need someone...

Everybody in >< whom i have asked said they have been really happy to work here. Haven't heard a wee bit of complaints at all, or gossips or bitching... maybe i should hang out with the girls instead of married men. (hahaa sounds wrong right...) My neighbour's away in Shanghai and i'm all alone in my cubicle completing her work... The past was hers, the future's mine... hence, i'm allowed to run the estimation in any way that i like... thrown into the big sea... always need SOS help... but not bad la! gambateh everybody!

i know i know i've been missing in action!! don't kill me please!

i've started work at >< now, (gotta be coded!) and i'm glad it had been a relaxing 2 days for a start, considering i returned from a shopping spree in bangkok just 6 hours before my first day and everyone thought that i was out of my mind... well, IT WAS! but luckily my boss is kind... slowly, relax, don't need to fight for projects now... what's most important is that i don't appear too threatening to the rest... for now, don't mind being the small, puny fresh grad at the hidden at the corner of the office... i'm contented with my space~

kk nothing much to blog.... tmr's convo... the big day for our parents, my daddy and mummy's little girl has finally grown up and earning her own stock! awww~ photo frenzy!

and that's you and me, by Perth's most famous Fish N Chips restaurant.

Hello! Here's a photo entry again coz words are just redundant. hmmm, on second thoughts it's not true. Words brings out the life of the still pictures into imagination. Ok, so find the words yourself ba!


Waited at Gopeng for 3 hours.... Seriously dark...

So when the cafe finally opened, we feasted on Thosai! Cheap, good and filling!

Still waiting for the pickup.... Hermit and our THE NORTH FACE bags!


... in my THE NORTH FACE shirt and THE NORTH FACE longs! That's me and Hermit in the deep deep limestone cave in Perak... where 2 million year old stalagmites and stalactites are formed...


Quite a sinister feel? Pray that a huge spider doesn't appear and lunge at you the next moment and wrap you up in it's nasty web...

Really like LOTR... right??!!! The orange bit is the where lava will spurt out if you get too close... 4 hours of caving is seriously no joke... but we had to complete it... we had to destroy the RING..........

We threw the ring down and we saved the earth. That's all for the caving part of trip! Have fun!