I have body art. It's
not about rebellion, it's about self esteem. Let me explain.
I grew up in a large
family. I am the sixth of seven children, and one of four girls. All three of
my sisters were taller, skinnier, and prettier than me. I was always the short
and chubby one and it was hard. I didn't have self esteem growing up, and
I really struggled through childhood and into my teenage years. When I
was a senior in high school I bought my own clothes for school, and since I was
paying for them myself, I bought what I liked and didn't ask for anyone else's
opinions. I based my decisions on things that made me feel good about myself.
I also started coloring my hair bright red, because I always loved red
hair. Well that year something amazing happened. I started to feel comfortable
in my own skin for the first time in my ENTIRE life. I stopped caring what
other people thought, and only cared about what I thought about myself. It was
unbelievably liberating.
When I turned 18, I went
to Claire's in the mall and got a second set of piercings in my earlobes and
one in my cartilage and I loved it! Two months later I got my belly button
pierced too (without parental consent, but I was old enough that I didn't have
to have it to get the piercing). At that time the LDS church had no official
policy on piercings and tattoos, so while it was frowned upon, it wasn't
against any rules, so I loved being able to express myself in a way that was
kind of unique (especially within the church) and fun and it made me feel good
about myself. It was able to be someone I was comfortable being and it really
was good for my self esteem.
A very short time later,
probably within a year, President Gordon B. Hinckley said that members of the
church could only have one ear piercing (for females), but no other piercings
or tattoos. I ignored it for a long time, about two years actually. I took a
lot of crap from other members of the church about it. In fact, I remember the
first time I met Scott's brother, Russell when he returned from his mission; we
had an argument over it. Russell was telling me I should follow the prophet,
and I was saying it was my own body, and it didn't affect anyone else.
Eventually the church won out. I took out my extra ear piercings, and
accidentally ripped my belly ring out when it got stuck in the latch of a door,
and decided not to put a new one in. I let go of these things that I liked
because as a member of the church that was what was expected of me, and I
wanted to be obedient.
Eventually Scott and I
went to the temple together to be sealed to each other and Corbin and to do
that, I had to let go of other things that I liked. It was hard for me.
I'm sure that kind of thing comes easily to many members of the church, but for
me it wasn't easy at all. It felt like much more than clothes. I had to give up
a lot of my individuality and hide my true self to be a good and obedient
member of the church and it didn't go unnoticed to my self esteem, which
plummeted between the years of 2006-2014. I gained a lot of weight from
having children, and having all those children took up all of my time and
energy and I stopped dying my hair (or even doing my hair. Ha!). With that, I
completely stopped being comfortable in my own skin. I had a really rough few
years where I basically hated myself and at the time I couldn't put my finger
on why. I thought it all had to do with my weight, which was definitely a big
part of it, but not all. I lost myself in the Mormon Church. I became a clone
of everyone else. There was no sense of individuality for me there.
Fast forward to 2014.
Our family left the LDS church for unrelated reasons, but in doing so I
suddenly had the freedom to let my individuality shine. I soon began dying my
hair bright red because my youngest child was now about 2 and I found myself
with enough free time to be able to color it. I cannot tell you how good it
felt to be a red head again. I felt like the old Rochelle, the one that had
been hiding deep down for the last decade and it felt amazing. About 8 months
later I decided to get a tattoo, which is hidden beneath my clothes and most
people don't know about (until now). I also got my ears re-pierced and
added a few extra ear piercings for a total of 10 earrings. I think this may
have ruffled a few feathers but for the most part, nobody said anything to me
about it. Honestly, it wouldn't have mattered if they did because I felt great.
My self esteem started to go back up because I was no longer hiding my true
self. I really began to feel good about myself for the first time in close to a
decade.
Five weeks ago I got my
lip pierced and I got a visible tattoo on the same day. This was not a big
"screw you" to anyone or anything, it was actually just a matter of
convenience. When you have 5 kids, getting time to yourself isn't easy, so I
try to get as much done at those times as I can. I had saved up my
personal money to be able to get these things done and when I got a day to myself;
I did them both because it was more convenient. I'm sorry to those of you
offended by such things, but it really wasn't about that.
I do not regret my
piercings or tattoos, and I'm very happy with how they turned out. And
you know what, this is me. Love it or hate it, this is who I am. I like
piercings, and I like tattoos, and having them in/on my body makes me feel good
about myself. Maybe they aren't everyone's cup of tea, maybe you find them
tacky or stupid or whatever, but I honestly don't care. This wasn't an act of
rebellion for me, this is just the person I am and have always been. When I
suppressed the real me, it wasn't good for my mental health, plain and simple.
It did so much damage to the self esteem that I had to fight to gain in
the first place. I feel so good about being myself again. All of my self-hating
and body shame has gone away. I literally don't even care about being
overweight anymore and have learned to embrace it. This has had such a huge
effect on my happiness that I can't even express to you. I like the way I look,
and I LOVE the way it makes me feel.
I feel good and
comfortable about myself. My husband LOVES the real me (seriously, this is the
girl he fell in love with in the first place) and isn't that what's important?
I think it's really important to accept people for who they are, including
yourself, because at the end of the day, if you don't love yourself, who else
is going to love you?
Anyway, here are pictures of everything, in case you're curious, because I would be.
