I am so happy that I am not alone right now. It is such a relief that I have my mother only ten minutes away. I know she will come as soon as I call and she will have all the answers to my stressed-out-no-sleep-baby-questions.

Some Gratitude

I have a wonderful life. I have parents who are kind and patient. They love me and my husband. They like to spend time with us and are so easy going that seeing them, staying with them, being with them is easy and enjoyable. I love seeing the way Todd treats my mom. Sometimes he snuggles her more than I do. It is really important to me that the people who I love most get along and they don't even just tolerate one another, but they love each other. I love knowing that I can sleep, or go to work for 10 hours and Todd will be happy spending time with Riley, or Chase, or Dad or Mom. I love having such a thoughtful and strong group of loved ones around me, especially when this tiny child is coming so soon. I know I will have people to cry to, to depend upon, and who will understand, love and help me.

Christmas Concert Critics

My mother is an elementary school music teacher. I went with her to the middle and high schools' Christmas Choir Concert. She taught nearly all of the kids in those choirs. She knows their names, their families, and their stories. When the seventh grade choir was singing these three people behind me kept talking about how awful they sounded and how it was the worst thing they had ever heard.

I had a few things to say to them. First of all, they are in seventh grade - give them a break. Secondly, one girl is blind and cannot see the conductor's cues, one boy has down syndrome, one boy was severely physically handicapped, and another boy was autistic and clearly had stage anxiety. Thirdly, they were singing so loudly and having such a good time. You could see how much fun they were having! The boy with down syndrome would conduct and yell the words when he was excited. They were so much fun to watch.

It was, in fact, touching to experience their excitement about the Christmas season and their passion for singing. It was touching to feel my mother's love for those children she has taught and seen grow. I wish I would have turned around and said those things, but I sat and enjoyed those little voices instead.

I just shut my refrigerator door on my protruding belly.

Got my first few stretch mark over night. Neat.

Winter Wear in Jackson (or why I look so good in Wyoming)

My bike ride to work this morning inspired this post. While my outfit today is, admittedly, well-put-together, I would not stand out in any big city (or Provo) where there are many well-dressed men and women with much better fashion sense than I. I was biking passed these two women walking along the bike path and after apologizing for being in my lane they each exclaimed, "Well aren't you the cutest biker! You're so fashionable! You look so cute!" I thanked them and told them to stop flattering me, but as I biked on I could not help but think that I am only noticeably fashionable in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I stand out in this town because I am one of a few people who don't wear the typical Jackson uniform. 

It goes a little something like this:

Jackson Winter Uniform - Male originally from the East Coast

a tight, knit beanie over uncombed hair

very sporty sunglasses (these are to be worn on the eyes, or the top of the head - NEVER taken off, or put away)

an ugly fleece of some sort (most likely a Dave Matthew's Band shirt lurks underneath)

anything straight-legged from Patagonia

some super neat hiking boot for rugged terrain and snow

Jackson Winter Uniform - Male originally from Jackson*

this specific Carhartt Jacket in this particular color

any type of Carhartt pants in this color

whatever shoes this cowboy wants (they're probably dirty with mud/dirty snow, blood from hunting, and spit from chewing tobacco)

*can be worn year-round

Jackson Winter Uniform - Female originally from the East Coast

any Patagonia, Northface, or homemade beanie

sporty sunglasses

a tight-fitting, warm jacket (Northface, or Patagonia preferred)

if not a jacket, a vest with a long-sleeved shirt, or turtle neck beneath

if not leggings, then tight, unflattering, sporty pants 

(but you're skinny because you eat organic and spend all free time enjoying the out-of-doors)

hiking-type boots 

Jackson Winter Uniform - Female originally from Jackson

beanie (obviously. it's cold)

a puffy, warm coat (mostly Northface, or Patagonia. ofttimes blue)

black leggings (preferably fleece)

Uggs

or Sorels (which I actually love)

watercolor

made this a while ago

Pregnancy Memories

Every time I go to read about my stage of pregnancy the book, or website keeps telling me to "jot down a pregnancy memory," and while I thought that I have been writing everything down, the truth is that I've been talking about what has been going on rather than jotting it down. Point is, you've probably already heard me say these things, but I'm writing them so I can remember them later.

I've felt relatively symptomless this pregnancy until recently, however, in the first few months of pregnancy I had a very active gag reflex and a few food aversions, such as any type of lettuce and avocados, both of which I love. My toothbrush gagged me each and every time I brushed. Nasty stories about poop, certain smells, or thoughts about gross things would make me gag uncontrollably. On one occasion, taking off a glove with my teeth sent me into dry heaves while bike-riding. I never felt nausea or morning sickness, but would most definitely puke if I didn't eat as soon as I got out of bed in the morning. I still fit into my clothes, except the buttons of blouses burst around my ample bosom and I felt like my pants were getting uncomfortable.

The second trimester was easy peasy. No more food aversions, no more gagging, bike-riding was still comfortable and easy. H&M maternity pants and yoga pants were the only bottoms I could wear. I didn't begin to noticeably show until around 23 weeks which was the same time I began to feel movement. I started feeling her kick and tumble just a few days before we left for Europe. They were tiny and gentle kicks and I could only feel them if I was sitting still and paying attention, but I noticed she was especially active when I would stand up out of bed, or right after I ate a meal. People in Europe were so kind to offer me their seats on metros and busses, to help me with my luggage, and yell at Todd that I was pregnant and I shouldn't lift a suitcase by myself and that he should help me (even though he was carrying his own bags that were heavier than mine). Once, on the way from Naples to Rome, as I hobbled down a staircase to get to another train platform several men asked if they could help me while several women yelled, "Lei è in cinta! Aiutarla! È in cinta!!!" while pointing at me. Each week the movements became stronger and stronger. I noticed she had hiccups once because for several minutes the movements were rhythmic. The last week of our trip was when I really started to feel pregnant. Walking too quickly, walking for too long, even rolling into a different position in bed, making any sudden movement began to hurt my back, or give me stabbing, tearing sensations in my abdomen.

This week marks the first of my final trimester. Terrifying. The prospect of another person coming into my life that I am fully responsible for caring for every second of every day for the rest of my life, as well as teaching them right from wrong, teaching them social skills, protecting them, being 100% invested in someone other than Todd, or myself is overwhelming. When my mother surprised me with a little bed for our baby I just imagined a screaming child and that froze me with panic, rather than gratitude, or excitement. However, lately I have been trying to focus on all of the positive things since the negative come to me so readily. This baby does not have down syndrome. I do not, though it was close, have placenta previa and so I am no longer scared of bleeding to death, or having a cesarian. I do not have gestational diabetes, the baby is measuring just right, I have had no complications, I have not gained very much weight, I am still fully capable of everything I used to be, except running, so truly I should be much more calm than I am. I have noticed that Todd singing and playing my favorite songs on his guitar is soothing for me, and imagining our little girl sitting along side him learning to play is very sweet. The last two weeks I've been able to feel AND SEE her head and body move in my lower abs. Sometimes my belly moves so much it looks like she is punch-dancing, or has a cramp in her leg she needs to get out. Sometimes she is so close and pushing against my skin that I just hold each side of my belly and I know I am holding her. This, surprisingly, gives me peace. She also moved/danced like a freak at Riley's Jazz concert, so at least she has good taste in music.

Since our return my job has given me next to no hours and I have been trying to stay busy during the day, but mostly I just get depressed when I am with nothing do to. I realize I am going to need to make detailed to-do lists for myself if I am going to stay home with a newborn pretty soon, or I will go absolutely crazy. I also realized that I am never alone. When I sleep, when I shower, when I work, when I eat - she is always in there. I also have noticed that when someone hugs me, they squish her first.

It's funny to not really recognize my body as different. Yesterday I looked at my profile in the mirror and thought, "This is me...pregnant. Pregnant? Is this real? Reality?" Todd doesn't understand life not feeling real. Everything feels unreal. Somedays I wake up and think, "Who is Todd? How did we even get to this point? Are we really married? What does that mean? Does he really know who I am?" The same thing is happening with this unseen child of ours. Todd thinks it is completely normal and natural, though he does see it as a miracle and something beautiful. I just think of it as this strange dream that is happening to someone else and I am just pretending it is happening to me. I am afraid that my disposition for unreality will make the reality of having a child every second of every day will make it that much harder, but I am not focusing on the scary/negative aspects anymore.

7 weeks/1 month

vs. 28 weeks/6 months 

(don't mind the red marks my underwear makes)

Teaching children that God loves everyone

Addie (7 years old) says, "God even loves Chinese people."
Ella (7 years old) says, "Yeah, God even loves Chinese people who swear."

This was almost as good as the time 3 year old, Sophie, told me that "Jesus wants us to be a human."

funny things todd said

On the way to the metro with our luggage in the middle of the night I (guess I) was hunched forward and waddling side to side due to the London cold, hurt feet from traveling all day, and a uterus the size of a basketball on my bladder. Todd looks at me and says "geeze, Hill, you look like an old bag lady."

Todd was so fidgety on the train to Florence and said, "I'm so uncomfortable. Look at me! I look like the weirdest guy on this train... except for that guy with the bird cage with all his stuff shoved in it. That was weird."

Todd was talking to himself about misunderstanding the Parisian sales clerk and said, "the charger costed dix not six...idiot." 

Todd singing Still Ill, stops half way through and then says, "dammit Morissey, buck up!"

Todd said, "What is the most popular Backstreet Boys' name?" I respond, "Nick Carter." Todd says, " No, The muscle-y one that was married to Ashlee Simpson...Jessica Simpson..." (long pause) "...98 Degrees."

Riding bikes in Barcelona we were meandering through a park. We were on an upper level terrace and were heading down when Todd gets dangerously close to going down some stairs on the bike and yells, "NOT A RAMP! NOT A RAMP! NOT A RAMP!"

Are these you-had-to-be-there's? Is it just me? I think Tard is hysterical.

October 29-30

We woke up early and saw Meg off to work. Todd took care of some PA school interview business and I got ready for the day. Jared, Meg, Todd and I went for giant, yummy wraps at BLT and ate them at Meg's work. Jared took us to Brick Lane and Shoreditch market for hat shopping, cupcakes and vintage clothes. The three of us basically shopped the million vintage stores around Brick Lane all day. I found a black hat. We went to Dirty Burgers for dinner and I had the best onion rings of my entire life. We made our way home to play with puppy Ruby and watched Bridesmaids. It is much funnier than I remember. I love Meg and Jared and it feels so normal to see them like we'll see them tomorrow, but really London is so far away from Wyoming. 

This morning we woke early to have a big English Breakfast and say goodbye to our friends.

This month has flown by. We have packed each and every day with amazing sights, art, and food. The friends we've seen are so wonderful. Le sigh. It has really been a dream where Todd and I get to spend each day doing things we love together and not worry about work, or the baby, or being tired. 

What a wonderful vacation.

October 28

Woke up early to go to a cute breakfast at this great place called Goldenegg

We had eggs, meats, cheeses, breads, jams, hot chocolate and freshly squeezed orange juice

It's a good thing everyone understands English, or at least charades (like when Todd asked for change for his 5 euro bill)

We checked out of our apartment and didn't get charged €50 for snapping the key card in half. That was a huge relief.

We locked our bags in a locker at the train station.

We walked around down town and bought gifts of chocolate for people and ourselves. Tortenecken with hazelnuts is really noms and a ton of candy bars.

Sat at the piazza of St. Stephens and ate some fruit.

Went to Sigmund Freud Park and saw Votivkirche.

Also, we saw a man in a suit, looking well dressed, but talking angrily to the air and then smash a large vodka bottle on the ground at a children's park in the middle of the day. We stopped staring when we got scared.

We went to the Vienna International Film Festival (Viennale) and watched a series of short films that were really great and when they weren't in English they had English subtitles. Our favorite was called the Museum of Imagination about a prominent art historian of Indian art's memory and imagination. 

The film festival people told us a good place to eat wiener schnitzel called Gmoa Keller. It was adorbs, the food was excellent and we didn't even have to pay for water. We had wiener schnitzel, the best potato salad, boiled beef, hashbrowns, and dipping sauces. It was tradish and delish.

We walked from the restaurant to Belvedere Palace and watched the sunset from the upper garden. Had a good walk and talked about being parents and our happiness and the films from earlier and ate some of the Austrian chocolate we bought. Heard some pretty accordion and bought some groceries for our plane ride to London. 

Made it safely to the airport with plenty of time. We have had an amazing time. We have't lost anything, had anything stolen and we have had a really easy time traveling considering our luggage hauling all over Europe and me being pregnant. Todd's been taking care of logistics and with internet everything has been so easy! 

October 27

Went to church / there was no one there and the doors were locked...

Instead of church we walked by the river through the gorgeous trees and fallen leaves

Went to Schönbrunn Palace

   walked in gardens

   Todd got me a wheelchair and pushed me around inside

   saw Baroque, Rococo, and 19th century interiors (it is a Rococo dream in some of those rooms!!!!! My favorite!!!) 

   walked up to the Gloriette

Tried to go to greek place again. Closed again.

Ate Happy Noodle (street food) instead. They also sell Funny Noodles and Crazy Noodles.

Walked around a fair (we think it was their independence day?) 

Ate a waffle with bananas, chocolate and whipped cream

Watched a guy bungie jump from a crane probably 20 stories high 

Went window shopping