So, where to begin? Having two girls so close together was KUH-RAY-ZAY. Crazy. I was overwhelmed and frustrated most of the time trying to keep two little girls clean and fed as well as living my life, which includes showering daily, getting out of the house once a day, and eating a wholesome meal at dinner. These things prove difficult with two additional bums to wipe and bodies to dress and who also happen to have personalities of their own. Needless to say I didn't feel ready, or even want to consider having more children until we became settled in our new home in Washington. Regina and Ivy have become very self-sufficient. They dress themselves, brush their teeth, make their beds, can do their dishes, and also wipe their own bums. Todd and I decided to try for another baby in September 2018. In October I got heartburn and skipped my period, so I knew I was pregnant by Halloween before even taking a test. In November I began looking for a doula and a midwife and I found the midwife of my dreams by December.
Pregnancy went as my pregnancies go. Nausea, food aversions, and extreme fatigue throughout my first trimester. More energy, less nausea my second trimester. Physical discomfort, throbbing varicose veins, some back pain and leg cramps while trying to sleep my third trimester. Oh, and some major mood swings mixed with unwarranted anger towards some people that I love. So, overall same old same as far as pregnancy goes.
I felt more excited for this baby and less fear than I had with my previous two children. I am comfortable being a mom, I like my home, I like my husband, I like my life and I felt ready. And for the first time, I truly looked forward to this newborn. We kept the sex of the baby a surprise because it's something I've always wanted to do, but had never chosen to do until this time. I think it made this pregnancy fly by, in addition to living my busy life with my two girls. I also think not seeing my body in a full length mirror much also made this pregnancy fly by - I felt like I rarely saw my pregnant belly. I don't think I was as uncomfortable or as slow as my previous pregnancies, and didn't mind it very much. Also, what even is time?
So I was mostly happy and excited, but time flew by and by 37 weeks I started to panic. Like...what is existence? What are humans? How does speech make meaning? What are we in this universe? Creating another human doesn't make sense. That's where I was for a week or two. My midwife gave me some tips for calming down, she helped me focus on the baby and she really helped center me. Late night conversations with Todd sometimes ended in a peaceful sigh, and sometimes in frantic tears. I get this way towards the end of pregnancy, when labor and the baby become more of a reality, it's not all focusing on my pregnancy, my changing body...what I eat and how I feel, etc. Does anyone else feel like this?
By 39 weeks I had calmed down. I had been able to focus on my girls, I started talking to the human inside of me, trying to bond a little bit (I feel like finding out the sex maybe helps with bonding earlier on), I had prayed for calm and I had found it. I colored a lot of birth affirmations, which I thought was cheesy, but I chose words that really resonated with me and that I wanted to remember during labor. I chose things like, "I am strong. I am loved. I am protected," "I can outlive pain," "All I have to do is relax," etc. I had cleaned my house, made freezer meals, installed our carseat, and had all of my home birth items prepped.
Stupidly, I signed the girls up for a week of summer camp when I would be 39 weeks pregnant, but my babies always come late and there wasn't a camp that began earlier and I wanted Reggie to have this experience before starting Kindergarten full time in the fall. Also, one of my favorite friends from high school came to visit that same week, so I was busy with groceries, camp drop off and pick up (full of tears and anxiety on both Reggie's and my part), meal making, visiting with friends, chiropractor and midwife appointments, and so on. On Tuesday, Andy, my friend from home, and I had gone walking after we dropped the girls off and I felt tired and sore afterward and realized I needed to take it easier (side note: one old man we passed while walking congratulated Andy on becoming a father and didn't even acknowledge me). Wednesday I had done more chores and more walking and that night I had a handful of contractions that woke me up. I called them Braxton Hicks because that's what I had had for weeks and months with the girls leading up to and passed their due dates.
Thursday my day was crazy busy with zero down time, but didn't feel like I was pushing too hard. I had a blast that night with friends at dinner, but again that night I had several contractions that woke me about every hour. Friday morning I woke up planning on taking it easier so the contractions would let up. I showered and Todd took the girls to camp (his company let him work from home in case I went into labor). He also made me lay down and took my to-do list and started working on it because he's a dream. I went to pick the girls up because I had a midwife appointment and had to get in the car anyway, but I did sort of look like a joke waddling out to the van with my heating pack wrapped around my abdomen. I should have known when I was grumpily getting in and out of the car and picking up the girls that I might have been in labor. I just have a life I need to live, you know?! I don't have time to lay down and take it easy!
After grabbing the girls from camp, I went to my appointment. My midwife's name is Ashley Jones and she and her student midwife, Kayla are delightful. They said they knew I was going to have the baby that night when they asked how I was doing I didn't say, "great," for the first time. I sat on the edge of my seat and grumbled something about being pretty uncomfortable. I let them know I had been having contractions most of the night and most of the day, but they were irregular and I was trying to rest and apply heat to get them to go away. We did all the appointment things as usual, like peeing in a cup, they got my blood pressure, listened to baby's heart beat, checked baby's position, etc. Ashley told me to get some rest because if it was false labor it would go away, and if it was true labor I would need the rest. I was going to take her advice, but we were already out of the house and so close to the library...and the girls really wanted to get new library books, so we did that before heading home. I made the girls carry the library bag (probably 50 lbs worth of books) and we got many a comment as we dawdled and struggled to cross the street.
When we got home I laid down to take a nap and Todd kept the girls quiet and occupied. I woke up after dinner time feeling okay, but my contractions had never completely gone away. In fact, when I laid down to rest they got more regular and intense. They were only once or twice and hour, though, and I had had false labor with Ivy twice and she was still late, so I wasn't about to get my hopes up about being in labor. I was convinced it would be another week or two before I had a baby. Also, my mom was coming Saturday, June 29th, and this baby was due Wednesday, July 3rd, so I was sure this baby would come between the 4th and the 12th of July. It was Friday and I couldn't have the baby without my mom. She was bringing me the bed sheets upon which I could bleed and my amniotic sac could break. She was the missing emotional support I wanted and she was going to take care of my girls during labor, so I couldn't go into labor without her. She was already on her way to me! I had spoken to her earlier that evening, informed her I was having irregular contractions, but that I planned on them stopping while I went to sleep. I told her to get some sleep and that I would see her around noon the following day.
After Todd put the girls to bed he and I had a nice little date. We watched a movie and had snacks and my contractions became less frequent when I was on the couch. It was really nice. We went to bed around 11:45 pm and as soon as we said goodnight my contractions became regular. WHAT!? They went from an entire 24 hours of once and hour, to suddenly 10 minutes apart. I tried so hard to sleep, but as soon as I would I'd get another one. I was side-laying, put two pillows between my legs, one under my belly and relaxed. Todd slept for about an hour while I concentrated on breathing. I remembered my affirmations and texted a few people that I was having contractions, just in case I was going into labor and I didn't want to catch anyone off guard. At 1 am the contractions were 5 minutes apart and I began groaning through them, waking Todd up. He rubbed my back and said nice things to me like, "You're so strong. You're so amazing. All you have to do is relax." Todd took over timing contractions, I would hold his hand and tap it with my pinky at the start and end of each contraction.
After getting through those for another hour (2 am), Todd decided I had been at 5 minutes apart for enough time and he called Ashley, the midwife, and Ann, my doula. They both asked if I needed their support and if I wanted them to come. I was still kind of in denial that this was real, or at least believed if it was real that I would be in labor for an entire day like I was with Ivy, so I said I didn't know if I needed them yet. They both replied that they'd check on me in an hour. Immediately after those phone calls, my contractions went to 3 minutes apart. When they both checked in on me at 3 am I did not want to speak, or respond, they could hear me during contractions and they both got on their way to my house. I told Todd to call the birth photographer around 3:45 am.
Ashley arrived first at 4:10 am. She came in quietly and I was so happy she was there. She replaced Todd for a second and held my hand through a contraction. Her hands were nice and cold and her presence was soothing. I was still laying down on my side, head on my pillow, breathing and moaning through contractions. I was visualizing each contraction as productively moving my cervix open and my baby down. I kept telling myself to relax, that I could outlive pain, that my only job was to make it through to the peak of one contraction. I was truly savoring how relaxed I felt after the peak of each one. When I had contractions with Reggie I felt attacked, like something outside of me was hurting me. This time I told myself that it was MY uterus. It was MY strength, MY muscle that was flexing and contracting so hard. It was ME and not something happening to me. It was hard to get through, but it was my body and nothing was wrong. At 4:20 Ashley listened to the baby's heart and asked Todd some questions about when I had last eaten and if my water had broken. She told me I should use the bathroom, I guess she could tell my bladder was full, so I had Todd lift me off the bed and sort of carry me under my shoulders to the bathroom so I could keep from tensing the muscles I was working so hard to relax. For me, uterine contractions during the first part of active labor feel like getting punched hard in the stomach. It's like pain, clenching, tension, and it takes the wind out of you and it's impossible to cope with the pain if you're tense. It's really difficult to cope with the pain, but possible, if you relax and deal. After returning from the bathroom, Todd made a tower of four or more pillows for me to lean forward on from my knees. I hugged the pillows, leaned forward and I think gravity made my contractions change. I felt like my cervix was in the process of dilating fully because I went from moaning and relaxing through contractions to needing to pull down on Todd's arm and sort of pump his hand back and forth while he provided resistance and I breathed like a long, loud boxing breath. It's like I needed to hear my breath be as loud in my head and ears as my contractions felt. I just needed to breathe as loudly as possible. It felt so crazy. My body felt insane, these contractions felt urgent, there was no real relief, or good position, just coping and living until the top of the contraction. At 4:50 am Ashley checked me and said she could feel the baby's head and that I was at an 8. I caressed her face with my hand and cried (and possibly told her she was an angel) because I was so relieved to know that my contractions were productive, and that I could see the end of this in sight. I was worried this was going to last all night and all of the following day. At some point I asked if this was going to be over by dinner and all 6 people in the room laughed at me, which made me feel better.
My birth photographer, Erin, arrived at 4:50 am. At 5:14 am, Ashley told me that I was mostly at a 9/10, but there was one lip of cervix that was at an 8 and being upright would probably help dilate that, so I moved to being upright on my knees while I held around Todd's neck. Only 10 minutes later (5:25 am) I felt really tired and pretty done with being in labor. I also felt like maybe I was close to pushing because it felt like I needed to poop, so I said that out loud hoping someone would confirm the fact that it was time to push. 5:27 am I felt the urge to push. I had never felt that before! (When I pushed with Ivy it was because my midwives were telling me to, but my amniotic sac never broke and I kept pushing without the urge and she kept bouncing back up like a balloon each time I tried, and after several hours of that they broke my waters and by the time I was pushing Ivy out I was too exhausted to have any contractions). So my contractions changed from the breathing loud and fast kind at the beginning, to grunting and pushing at the very end, and it was automatic! It was amazing! My body was doing it! I was doing it! It was like the labor and birth I'd read about and I was finally experiencing it. I was so aware of my body, my baby, where he was, and what stage I was in, even though a huge part of me didn't want to get my hopes up about how quickly it was going so part of me was in denial about the entire thing.
At 5:31 am Ashley could see the baby's head. 5:32 am I lost my mucus plug and was dilated to 9 cm. 5:35 am I was reassured that the end was in sight and I said, "I can do this. I can do a few more contractions." That's the best way to deal with labor, right? One contraction at a time? I knew I could live through a handful, or two more. At 5:37 am my water broke during a contraction and it felt like a giant water balloon had exploded between my legs. It really surprised me and apparently soaked my bed and my doula's socks. At 5:38 am I was at 10 cm. At 5:39 am I was pushing in earnest and a couple of minutes later my midwife told me I could reach in and feel my baby's head. I reached in the birth canal and felt my baby's head about knuckle-deep. I was pretty discouraged at the time because, while an inch or two is hardly any distance at all, it felt pretty far up there. At 5:46 am I felt a sharp stinging pain where the baby's head was stretching. I screamed (Todd said I sounded surprised) and I knew now was the time to either push that head through the pain and not worry whether my skin, tissue, and muscles tore, or I could prolong the pain, contractions, and labor and try to keep baby's head in. At 5:49 am, I screamed through a contraction and pushed my baby's head out. I reached down and felt it! I felt SO RELIEVED and amazing and said, "I did it!" A couple of people were like, "...almost...a little ways to go..." But I knew that I had done all of the hardest things. I was finished with the worst contractions, I was finished pushing the largest part of my baby out. I felt done! Everything else would be cake. Everything after pushing the head out felt just like coasting downhill. I was on cloud nine! Ashley said he was grimacing and making faces while his head was sticking out. We waited for the next contraction and at 5:51 am I pushed that baby all of the way out.
They put my baby low on my abdomen because my body makes short umbilical cords. The force from pushing the baby all of the way out (with a short cord) pulls the placenta away from the uterine wall and causes hemorrhage. Luckily, I had experienced this with Ivy and Ashley was prepared for it. She shot my thighs with pitocin so that placenta came right out and I didn't lost much blood. Delivering my placenta straight up felt like a massage after pushing a baby out. A baby that tore me 3rd degree, by the way. Ashley and Kayla took baby's and my vitals and at 5:54 am they clamped the cord. Todd cut the cord, and sometime several minutes after the baby was born and everyone made sure me and baby were okay, Ashley told us we had a boy! I couldn't believe it.
I was chalk full of hormones, I felt amazing and strong. I felt like I was radiant and powerful. It was a magical whirlwind with these beautiful women buzzing around me cleaning up, doing laundry, letting me bask in this love glow with my husband and baby boy. My bff Jill showed up and sat on my bed and met my baby (thank you to her and Jake Papineau for taking care of the crazies all day until my parents got there). I felt soooo good. I felt so loved, safe and so happy. I called my mom around 7 am and cried apologizing that I had given birth already. Because I had a third-degree tear that my midwife didn't feel comfortable repairing, she called the hospital and made sure there was a doctor on staff who was kind and good at stitching perineums. She helped me to the restroom and helped me get dressed. She, Todd, and my new baby boy accompanied me to the hospital to get stitched up. This was the only real hiccup. It was too bad that I didn't get tucked into my giant bed with my two boys, but we had to go to the hospital for stitches instead. It was a very stark contrast between the very dimly-lit, calm, warm atmosphere of my home and my controlled space to the hospital's uncomfortable bed, on which I was pushed to the edge and my privates were put under two spot lights and directly in front of this old, male doctor's face. He was kind and gentle and took forever stitching me up, but I was so glad I had Ashley's and Todd's hands to hold.
This birth meant so much to me, but also was so quick it is difficult to remember. I'm so glad I have some photos to help me relive some of those moments. I do wish my mom had been there and that the girls would have been able to watch their baby brother be born, but there was something magical and primal about being in labor in the dark, quiet night. There was something intimate about it being Todd and I through most of those hours. I did it, you guys. I am proud of myself and I am happy and satisfied with the entire experience. I love my husband, my new baby boy, my birth team, my friends, and my parents. I have felt so supported through pregnancy, birth, and this postpartum period. You guys rock!
