Dear Red States:
If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving.
We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue
States with us. That includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of
Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get
WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay
their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs do turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce,
92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90%
of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and
soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools
plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with
88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),
92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the
hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all
televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the
University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe the earth is only 6,000 years
old and Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62% believe life is
sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun
laws; 44% say that evolution is only a theory; 53% that Saddam was
involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are
people with higher morals than us lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
--the Blue States
