Pink flower

Move

Quite bummed out that I lost all the voice messages that I have been re-saving to store in my handphone voice message mailbox for months. Sigh..they were important to me.

Contemplating a change of 'space'. I might move this blog to a new place, or change the structure and look to this one that I've had for 2 years. WATCH THIS SPACE for prior notice if I do do something drastic! ;)

Life's moving on. Some things are changing. The fasting month is moving along slowly, but will be hectic come November & December; lots of physical strain from climbing mountains.

Would love a holiday the 2nd half of October, but some circumstances are causing changes to these plans.

Preparing for a great deal of emptiness coming soon..

Been looking around others' blogs and seen some very nice photographs. Makes me feel like decorating here as well :)

Learning together: to cherish, commit, grow, function, exist, strive, persevere.

"Less of _ _ _ & More of _ _ _"

Cherish

Last Sunday, someone made a comment about me being really serious with my role as Little E's Godfather. I smiled. Of course I should be serious, why shouldn't I be? As I spent time in quiet, alone, in the car; I thought about what was said to me and reflected upon those words.

It's been almost 6 months since Little E was baptised, and me being her Godfather. Unlike most people I know, being a Godfather is NOT the same as being a 'pet brother' in school, or Godfather just in name just because the child you want as a 'God-child' is just an old friend's first child.

As a child of God, I believe the role of a Godfather is an important one; one that I seriously cherish and have relished since I saw Little Thumbelina with my own eyes at the hospital. So needless to say, the role carries a fair deal of weight.


People ask me about what I do as a Godfather. Well, for starters, I keep Elysia in my prayers every day. My role is also to help look out for her whenever I can, help support her, guide her and be there for her whenever I can during her formative years as a human being. Being a good Godparent also means knowing what are the right gifts to give a child - ie. toys, books, stationery etc.


I was touched when Pastor Sivin, his wife May Chin, Little E and young Gareth gave me a small travel Bible as a present, and touched that I was referred to as being a "wonderful Godpapa to E, a fun big brother and stern uncle to Gareth".

Honestly, despite my struggles as a human being and disciple of Christ, I acknowledge the learning curves EVERY SINGLE DAY. These children have more to teach me, and to offer me, sometimes, than I do with them :) They'll help me be a better father I'm sure..

Gems 2

*continued*

BIHZHU

It was an unlikely turn of events that had us wondering to ourselves, just how the both of us could actually be such close friends. It still amazes us today :) Although various reasons and circumstances have put us apart more in the past few years, we somehow still have a place for each other deep in our hearts. Like this Friendster testimonial I wrote for you, Nicole, 3 years ago, "Bihzhu and me have this very special bond that did not happen by chance nor did it happen quickly. Thats what happens when you really take time to sit down, really talk and get to know a person. We're so different in an abundance of ways, but yet we are on the same page about a million things. She can be really nasty, so dont try to be a smart-ass with her, she'll give you the look (believe me, u dont wanna see it). Now, i'm not even gonna talk about her voice; first of all becoz its over-mentioned, secondly, people should not just keep their ears peeled but their hearts, eyes and minds as well coz her singing abilities arent the only things great about her :) She's got this fiery drive in her thats raring to explode and with the right training, she'd be really successful at what she does, be it one thing or many. She cant stand many people, but she takes my shit and thats all that matters. Bihzhu, you know i love ya, and since you're so 'perasan', i have every right to be with you too, coz i know you love me too! ;)". Here's to a great gal with a big voice; and an even bigger personality and heart.

TING TING

I met Mei Ling through Elina, and although she appeared stuck-up at first look, I still took the trouble to talk to her and be there for her when she was down in the dumps; all this in the first meeting! Needless to say, a wonderful friendship was born and I absolutely enjoy spending time with this Malaysian version of Carrie Bradshaw *haha* (not like I know what Miss Bradshaw is like, but that's what I hear people refer Mei Ling as!). She's a real softie deep down actually, and a wonderful 'punching bag' for me :) At least that's coz I know all the right buttons to push *heh heh*

LINS

Elina is a cool chick :) We're not the big "hahaha" kinda friends, but when we have our laughs, the "hahaha"s get pretty loud. We're not the deep conversationalist kinda friends, but when we do talk sometimes, things can go pretty deep or casual or cool, depending on the time and mood. We're not the "Oh, I'm so close a friend to you that I must hug you every time I see you" kinda friends, but we do hug because we're close friends and I miss seeing her as often as we used to meet.

Make any sense? I guess not at first glance, but am sure you know what I mean :) We used to hang out every single day, with the rest of the gals; but although we don't as often as before, she's still a cool chick in my book. One I can call my friend :)

BEKS

When I first saw Bek Yee in the old Tijuana's Cafe opposite Taylors College back in 1997, I thought she was one cool fierce looking gangster chick. I never got to know her of course, till 2004. Me and Beks are cool together coz we belong in the same 'ahbeng and ahlien' clan, with as equally stupid 'ahbeng and ahlien' tendencies and killer dance moves and jokes! *haha* Great girl, with a heart to help, and a wonderful friend who would always take a hit for the team. Oh! She's great fun also coz she loves to eat and do all the boy-stuff! Hahaha...

MUI TAO

Leng Leng is a little Doraemon :) Well, that's what I call her sometimes. She's a cutie, and a real sweetheart. I know, no comparison with the Japanese cartoon right? That's coz there isn't! When I first saw her at a production house, I thought she was 12! I still think she is now *haha* She's wonderfully original in her own unique way, her inquisitiveness is so unorthodox, I struggle to decide whether to get upset, roll my eyes, laugh or just pinch her. Most of the time, I choose to answer her of course. A little sister to me, she's a kind friend, one who genuinely cares for people and for things around her; a girl who deserves way more credit than she gets, for the various things she does. Believe me, she's a real tough cookie too! ;) I'll pick her to be on my team any day!

As the journey twists again...

...and I ask myself yet again, "now what?"

...

I'm sure there are worse. I know this ain't it.

Little Bursts of Spontaneous Joy

Once upon a time, before I was a God-father and before Elysia was the apple of my eye; I was close to a couple of other kids at Church. The siblings - Ezekiel and Sue Ann, are the highly intelligent, spontaneous, energetic, adorable and camera-friendly children I used to look forward to seeing a lot at church. They never cease to amaze me with their reactions, the things that come out of their little mouths, the high IQ and skills they possess.

I'm sure little thumbelina wouldn't mind that today, Godpapa was shared a little more evenly in Church today *little wink* :)

Someone like you :)

(Photo courtesy of http://www.missouriskies.org/ Copyright.)

Thank You Lord for my double rainbow...

Gems

I've been blessed all these years with great friends. It's said that we don't need a battalion of friends but just the few who really matter, those who would go the extra mile for you, take a bullet for you if you will; and that that would be all anyone could ask for.

As I've gone through multiple transitions growing up, friends have come and gone. I never had a 'best friend' till I met my best friends of today. You see, I've never believed in best friends till 1999. Not till I met them at least. Not only did I make one, but I actually made two; both of whom still are my best friends till today. Along with them are a a few others, who I thank God for - my closest friends :)

NO.1 - TAN BOY

I must admit I thought he was just a 'bum-a** grunge rocker dude' when I first saw James :) *haha* But as soon as we got to introductions after being placed in the same orientation games group (we tag-teamed to lead our group to victory too!), the rest is like they; HISTORY. Our friendship is filled with conversations - deep, funny, serious, casual, silly, insightful. I love this man like a brother, and know I can always count on him.

NO.2 - BUBBA

It was through James, that I met Eugene @ Bubba. As the story goes, me and Bubba hated each others' guts in class during semester 1 (1999). We just didn't like how the other looked and we both thought the other was a stuck-up guy. One day at the mamak, James, myself and Bubba sit at a mamak and we were introduced. James proceeded to leave us for a while to go look for someone; opening an conversation opportunity for the big lug and myself. We never looked back. We just hit it off I guess.. All the years of gulping down beer, eating 'char siew & kai fan', doing stupid things etc.; we've had great times and I hope it never stops.

HENG TAI

And also through James; I met Benny in 2002. I'd never hang out with a person involved with the student council etc. I guess I'm 'too cool' for that junk *haha*!! *ahem* jokes aside, me and this buffalo hit it off instantly as well. My 'heng tai', good friend and definately the 3rd best man one day. Oh yes, all this despite him being part of the student council.



JOJO

She's truly what I dub, 'beautiful inside first, outside second'. Definately my female best friend and I thank God for bringing Jo into my life. Although we are no longer 'an item', our friendship's reached a new plateau since we decided to choose our friendship over a relationship.

BUMBUM - THE NEIGHBOUR

Although only living across the street for years, Kylie and I never did get to meet. Not till mid-2004 though, when an indie film project placed us together in production. We hit it off immediately and we've been chums ever since. Definately a friend I cherish. 'Love thy neighbour' indeed :)

BAMBINO

Me and Tersh met in 2000, through another friend but only re-acquainted and hit it off sometime in 2003. Although she's in Melbourne most of the time, that summer she spent in KL with me busting evil spirits on 'Fatal Frame 2' whilst spending hours on the verandah with our drinks, talking and laughing; elevated our friendship to a level that won't look back I hope. You're sorely missed my friend.

BROKEN SCAR

When I met Kevin at Jam Asia in 2003, John's Mistress was in need of a revamp; and I roped him in to play lead guitars for us. We've been close since, and we share more than just the love for food and music; but for life and God as well.

So I thank God. I thank God for these gems called friends. Thank You Father, for being gracious and blessing me with an abundance of people called friends, in my life; especially the ones dearest to me :) Here's to many more years of friendship, BBQs with our families and kids and this journey called life together!

*to be continued*

Warmth come down

In my last blog entry, I missed out one crucial part of my Sunday at church. Flashback into how I was feeling - grateful to be back at the Father's House - and it was a week where we had Holy Communion. Everytime I take the Holy Communion, I am reminded of my salvation 4 years ago. I remember the days I walked up to the altar, upon invitation by Jesus; but wasn't able to take the elements because I hadn't been baptized yet. I also remember my baptism on the 27th of April, 2003 and my first time taking the elements on Communion Sunday and how I almost cried both times :)

Before I take the elements every time, I saw a short prayer to Jesus; to thank Him for saving me, for His body given for me, and His blood shed for me. I ask The Lord to change me of my ways and make me more like Him. I was just moving into a time of prayer as usual on Sunday with my eyes closed and head bowed, when I suddenly felt the firm and reassuring grip of 2 hands on my shoulders. I barely had a second to wonder a fraction of a thought, when I heard the low booming voice of David Berry behind me, praying for me. I can't begin to describe how I felt at that moment. A rush of warmth filled me just then and I felt as if the elements in my hands shook for a moment. I was glad to be back, and David's prayer was thoughtful and heart-warming; but this was just so much of the Holy Spirit at work. I thanked God even more...

He sees you..

God is REAL.

God is good, all the time.

And..God SEES YOU.


I concede, that for the first time in almost 5 months; the strain of filming almost non-stop since has begun to take a toll on me. Physically, I appear tired and drained. My insides feel exhausted a lot of the time. Mentally and emotionally, I'm operating on instinct some of the times.

For the first time in months, I'm beginning to feel burnt out and the novelty of work is beginning to fade and is beginning to take a different shape.

The Bible says to always take rest and seek refuge in the Lord. I didn't feel 'great' going to The Father's House, but I did feel 'good'. Before this job, I had hardly been missing from Church, except for when I took off for a holiday in Melbourne last July. This year, I've missed a bulk in recent times due to being away; so it was really good to be back.

It may be strange for some to understand, but it is true that there is a vacumn and void in our hearts, that can only filled by Jesus. This means a void even no love from any other human can fill.


Psalm 23 - A psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
3 He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.


So..the morning started off nice and the practice session with the rest of the worship team was exciting and felt really good. I dusted off my Zildjian cymbals which haven't been hit for a LONG time, and brought it to church for the first time to give them a good whacking :)

It just felt really good to be in God's presence again. Sure, I trust that Jesus is with me every single day, and that the Lord rests in my heart. But often we get tempted to forget, to disregard, to disobey, to trust ourselves and not Him.

Lord, have mercy.

I must admit (and these struggles are REAL my fellow brothers and sisters) that in the past few months, it has been 'easy' to forget that God is right there. It is easy to forget God. We tend to be so caught up with everything else about life, so caught up with the work 'we deserve to do', 'we work so hard and excel in', 'making something of ourselves'; that we forget the very reason why we got there in the first place. Being away from home, and of course church; meant that there was always a great temptation to drift from God. I was away weekends, I missed Sunday worships, I missed my Life Group and I was busy filming.

By God's grace, I was always reminded not to fall away. God's voice always rung in my heart. Lord, forgive me if I may have been tempted; and thank You, for saving me again.


Your Unfailing Love
"When the darkness fills my senses,
When my blindness keeps me from Your touch,
Jesus come.

When my burden keeps me doubting,
When my memories take the place of You,
Jesus come.

And I follow You there,
To the place where we meet,
And I’ll lay down my pride,
As You search me again.

Chorus
Your unfailing love, Your unfailing love,
Your unfailing love over me again."



It was good to see everyone as usual, and I got to spend a little time with the little one :)

A wide variety of thoughts have been clustering my mind in the past few days. The reminders of the end times coming are among them. End times. You hear some Christians blowing it out of proportion, and some totally disregarding it. When you take a wise look at how today's world has panned out, you can't help but feel that the prophecies of the end times are indeed very real and ever more relevent today. Sigh.

What's more important now is, what are we doing about this?? Those of us who are followers of our Lord, Jesus Christ; what are we doing? The challenge today is for us to have a far greater awareness of who we are, and truly understanding and acknowledging our purpose in this world; and reach out to others - the poor, the hungry, the needy, the battle-worn, our enemies, those we dislike, those we love - with love, the very same kind of love Jesus had when He walked this earth.

I know it's easier said than done. Every day, I am sure we ALL struggle with this. How do we love the very moron who cuts dangerously in front of us in traffic? For example that is. But we've got to try. We've been called and saved for a reason. We sing of being different because Christ has saved us. Let's live up to that, and not just sing the songs of praise. Let's not just stop at singing.

Let's not be just Christian in name as many are out there. Let's not live an empty faith. Let's not be like the sharks disguised as Christians, who go to church on Sundays to pounce on good-hearted genuine Christ followers; who go to make money off real followers. If you think I am just writing this because I'm angry, bitter or ill-informed; think again. I think you're just being naive. These are real problems. These are real cases. These are reasons why many non-believers shy away from God and His people.

I was having an interesting conversation with a close friend, and she said that there are many in the world who are truly hungry for God. I couldn't agree more. The innocent, the basic, the poor - they are all hungry for God. Us? Many of us are just 'too busy', too self-reliant or just putting God on hold while we pursue earthly things first. God can wait it seems. Wait while we make our first million before the age of 30, then God can come in. I think NOT.

She also shared that everyone should at least once, go on a mission trip just to have a feel for being among the broken and needy. It doesn't mean it has to be your vocation or calling, but just to experience and also to extend God's love through yourself. I've always said I'd go, and now, I won't put it off anymore. I made a promise right there in my heart to make it a point to go surely in the near future.

This has also reminded me that I have put off writing to my 2 World Vision children - a girl, Rampai from Thailand, and a boy, Gobinath from India. I must write to them soon. Lord, forgive me for procrastinating.

Hungry we are. We all are, whether we realise it or not. Lord, we want to be hungry for you always, all the time.


Hungry
"Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You
So I wait for You

Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life
So I wait for You
So I wait for You

Chorus
I’m falling on my knee
Offering all of me
Jesus You’re the heart is living for"


Thank you Father. Just finishing up this long blog entry has made me feel better already. It's Monday evening now as I finish an entry I had begun on a Sunday night. I had a full day's worth of work put in, and I must say I drove home from work today with renewed understanding of God's timing, purpose, love, patience, wisdom and grace. Father, You help me understand always; and I know I can always trust You to help me decide what's best. Not my time but Yours. Not my will but Yours. I love you.


I Love You Lord
"I love You, Lord
And I lift my voice
To worship You, O' my soul, rejoice!
Take joy, My King, in what You hear,
May it be a sweet, sweet sound
In Your ear."


It doesn't matter where you are, who you are, what situation you are coming from; He sees you. That's truly a powerful statement. 'He sees you'. God sees you. He welcomes you with open arms. He doesn't discriminate. Your past can be left behind. He sees you, and He waits :)

I look back at my blog, and I am reminded of all the times I put up beautiful pictures of God's creations. I am reminded of the difference working as a freelancer was before going back into full-time employment. But it was God's decision for me to go back into employment, as was His blessing that I have the job that I have today. It is different now, a little.

But I leave with a glimpse of what I used to do, and what I still can remain doing :) This isn't an old picture. In fact, it was taken last Wednesday in Singapore. Reminds me that I love doing this, despite hardly taking any pictures with my cam since 5 months ago. I shall not forget the joys I've been blessed with...

Way overdue..

Alright alright...admittedly, it has been A LONG TIME. *dusts off* *ahem* I've had a fleet of people ask me countless times about the blog and why I haven't updated. I shall not make myself sound as if I've got some excuse up my sleeve :)

Instead, I'll try to post up some of the thoughts and ideas I have had planned for this blog, as best I can. Photographs have to wait though! First, I haven't the time to edit some of the photos, and also am having some space and speed difficulty with my computer, can't really edit photos currently.

UPDATE:

4 months ago (YES! 4 months ago! It's been THAT LONG), I landed my dream job of being a documentary filmmaker with this place. After my first month, I was going to write a nice blog entry about the wonderful experience I've had thus far and how much I enjoy my work for the first time in my life, and how wonderful my employers are. FORWARD 4 months, and I still reiterate those sentiments though (phew huh!) and have so much more experience and also wonderful times and stories to share (another time though!). I've gone in the past 3 months, from city to jungle, jungle to forest, forest to island, island to village, village to mountain, mountain to air, air to water, water back to land. I've been away mostly, hence the absence from this blog too.

Chapters open, chapters close. Cest la vie as they say.

I'm loving every moment of being my dearest cherub, Elysia's Godpapa. I miss her all the time on my travels.

I MISS everyone here at home - my family, close friends, Church community wherever I am and wherever I go.

Rainbows, blue skies, bright sun, puffy clouds - I have always loved them. I love them even more now :)

SO SO SO much more to share...but I'll take my leave now to spend some time with my best friend and brother, James; as we watch Argentina whoop Germany's behind tonight (bold prediction, but if I am wrong, well...I do reserve my right to have an opinion!). Woo Hoo!!

I leave with just ONE picture, as I begin a new phase of sorts, and it may come as a surprise to some, and it still is an adjustment for me - I'm clean shaven again for the first time in 4 years!! Yes...I took even the goatee off ;)



I promised to blog, so here it is. I definately will try to be more comprehensive and share more soon. Look forward to it. For now, LEAVE ME ALONE! :) *just kidding* Must admit the rustiness I feel blogging after so long, feels like I'm learning it all over again! *big smile*

Fruits of Grace

She took it bad when our suspicions became a reality. Till today, she still does in some way, though God is helping her gradually to become more forgiving and gracious. But then, back in late 2001 when we had gone to see her during her convocation, my sister took the news that we had a half-sister pretty bad.

Forward to present day, we not only have her, but we also have a half-brother. My parents were divorced sometime around 1998, but me and my sister had seen it coming since we were little children. He remarried and has a new family.

I must admit, that although I didn't take it as badly as my sister (a surprise, due to my temperament), we were still both not very kind with our views on them. I am not proud of my old self, when I labelled them as the 'lower breed' and ourselves as the untouchable 'higher breed'.

But with Jesus, everything changes :) If there is anyone who can change a person, it's God. Since that time, and since coming to Christ, I've been much better with children, I spend a lot of time with them, talking and playing and caring for them. It was no surprise then, that recently, when I got to see my 2 half siblings again, they instantly warmed up to me. It helped also that they now understand English as they are older. Chin Peng (the girl) is 6 and Chin Yue (the boy) is 3.

When I was little, I always wanted my mum to give me 2 more siblings - a boy and a girl. How 'naughty' God is sometimes with granting our wishes :) My sister still struggles to be around kids (she 'dislikes' children! Haha), but I know the children love her too. Slowly but surely, God is helping my sister let go of the anger and disappointment. It sometimes is still hard for her.

Mum's the most amazing lady ever. She is another walking testimony of God; forgiving and gracious. She has accepted and forgiven my dad and his new wife, as well as taken into the children with absolute love since day 1. That's God's Grace right there if you asked me!

My dad and his wife are both very blessed too. Dad didn't marry a psycho lady who was not understanding and possesive, the kind who'd tear families apart. His wife however, has never been ostracized whenever she's met us or the times she's met extended family; especially during Chinese New Year recently. My mum even goes out of her way to make her feel at home and involved in conversations.

I've been asked by my aunts, on how I felt about my half-siblings. This is what I can say - It is NOT their fault, what has happened in the past. They did not ask for this to happen and as children of God, I'll love them as anyone else should, the way they deserve to be loved as children. Yes, I used to have stigma towards them. I don't anymore. When I look at them, I smile. Although they aren't my siblings in full, they have the same blood as I do. I am their older brother nevertheless. At the end of the day, this is NOT my will, but His.

They are not, and never will be the same as us in many ways. Although my sister detests being labelled a 'family' including them still, we are however all one in God's Kingdom. That's the best way I can think of it.

Nothing can change the past mistakes. But God has been gracious to whomever are concerned. That includes me and my sister.

Early Blossom

I love this picture. *Courtesy of her father.
Pastor's daughter, my God-daughter. I pray this picture is a sign that she will continue to grow to love God and to seek His Word, the Holy Bible always.

Thumbelina's Baptism :)

**Photos taken by James Tan Chin Choy**
More photos here.