If you've viewed this blog site, you've seen some wonderful expressions of the joy of being alive.
Celebrations of the human form. Although it's true that they are predominately bent towards men. That's because I'm female and thats how it goes.
Here, as on my other blog, I may seem outgoing. I can laugh, write pseudo-humorously and speak about pretty much anything I want to - within certain parameters.
The one thing that may not show here is my fear.
Failure.
All humans have it, experienced it, run from it, or the hardest to do - face it.
There was a blog that I was placing comments on. Getting along - so I thought. Sometimes, when a person "gets carried away", they can become, silly, irregular, irreverent and unable to identify a certain proper boundry. Etiquette, if you will.
Whether this occurs in person or in writing, boundries DO exist.
The trick is to figure it out.
Some people can dance the line and never cross.
Some people make sure they never get close.
And some people are clueless . They fail.
They topple right over and embark on a journey of "foot in mouth" syndrome, their eagerness turning to an unpleasant over-zealousness, digging themselves deeper and deeper into an emotional pit that once they start spiraling downward, are helpless to stop , even when, at one point, the proverbial lightbulb turns on, it's too late. Fledgeling friendships are damaged. Their own self-esteem is damaged, confidence is undermined and the threat of shedding tears, whether inside where no one sees or on the outside but shut behind a bedroom or bathroom door so no one can see , bursts forth in throat shredding bursts. They are a failure.
At that moment, they fear the judging , the misunderstanding and are bent over in emotional turmoil knowing that they screwed up but feel powerless to change the situation or to adequately apologize. Again, Failure.
The feeling of being isolated, that there is no comfort for them, is a very physical pain; hits somewhere in the solar plexus. Their stomach churns and clenches and feels heavy. The burden of loss , of embarassment settles always in two places. Throat and stomach.
Throat burns from trying not to cry. A painful lump grows to inhibit easy swallowing.
The stomach has that "punched-in" feeling.
The result: You end up believing you are less. Failure.
When you say or do the wrong thing that causes someone to choose not to be friendly to you any longer, it creates the same physical pain. Failure as a person. Failing at being someone that others are pleased to know. The hurt is unbearable. The feeling of self-worth is compromised. The sadness , all encompassing. Paralyzing. Depressing. A pity party for one. On and on it goes. Feeding unto itself until it consumes whatever hope there might be.
Fear. Fear starts to overshadow every decision. Every thought. Over thinking becomes a
self- fulfilling prophesy of doom. Worrying what others think. Of you. about you. Failure.
From then on, everything you think of doing: hobbies (writing), life, ... all are threatened by fear of failure. So you do nothing. Because you can DO nothing; at least, nothing right.
I did that today. Failed.
No more blogging with a certain someone that I kind of respected.
My stomache hurts. It cries acid. I overstepped a boundry. It's too late.
I hate this feeling.
The loss.
Hate it.
Forgive me.
