Zz gave me this url today.. One of the lines read:

'因为陌生，所以勇敢，因为距离，所以美丽。'

因为距离，所以美丽.. I see.. I think I've got it =)

I think my pet grasshopper is going to leave me very soon. I can sense it. It has been with me for more than 5 months. I can't believe it myself. I never knew grasshoppers can live for so long. The previous one I kept lived for 3 months only.

Haiz. Guess only Zz has the time to entertain me whenever I am bored to death =x And now that he has gone to Tekong to feed the mosquitoes (although he claims that he seldom gets bitten), hope everything will turn out fine for him.

《只对你说》
JJ

站在寂寞的舞台上
灯光下拖着自己的影子
音乐重复我们共同的忧伤

不是每一次的演唱
就可以淡忘明天没有你
in my heart we'll never be apart

残留手上的香味提醒我
在数位相机里留下的承诺
每一封简讯传出的思念
都对你说

sa rang heyo
means i love you
代表着我离不开你
每分每秒每一个声音
只有你撒娇会让我微笑

sa rang heyo
只对你说
i will love you and forevermore
我答应 baby you will see
每一个我都属于你

oh baby i will love you because
我都属于你

Perhaps life would be better if I were a guy. Really, I really think so. Perhaps I should not be born at all. My mum shouldn't have done the abortion. She should have choosen to keep and raise up her first child, and then I won't be in this world at all.

Where has my heart gone to? I need to find it back quick, I must.

***



So, apple or orange? Hard to choose, heh. Nvm.. shall not think so much now. Must study.

Yeah, must study.

Perhaps I should unplug my laptop during weekdays some time soon.

My new Civics Tutor is getting more and more strict with the school rules now. I can't take it. She'll be fining us $5 for being seen with shirt tucked out (each time), $1 for missing collar pin. Wth. Daylight robbery ah? She said that first impression counts. However, it doesn't apply to us anymore! I mean, we are already J2 students (graduating in 3 months somemore), we've met whoever we need to meet and we've known whoever we need to know in the school by now. So, where does the first impression come in?! First impression was only during the first 3 months, or maybe also after JAE. Fine, I'm a bad student. I think I'm going to avoid her as much as possible, just like the way I'm avoiding SP now.

Other than that, I think she's generally fine. But I think her thing with the school rules is going to scare many people away. Bloody hell. Why the school doesn't want to give us back our J1 Civics Tutor? Most of us prefer her the most. Well, again, good things never last. We are already lucky enough to get her last year. Shouldn't ask for too much. Haiz.

Aiya why so suay. I was thinking of becoming a good student (with shirt 'tucked in', no necklace, with collar pin, on time for school) only during the very last month of my JC life. But my plans are all ruined now. Chicken neh neh.

Actually I don't know why I'm trying my very best to challenge the school rules now. I was a 'good' student until the start of upper sec. Then everything went haywire in Sec 3. The sense of wanting to be different from others grew stronger each day. But I think that was mainly because I disliked the culture in my Sec sch too much, which was too old-fashioned and so inflexible, and that's why I decided to challenge it. It gave me a sense of satisfaction. It made me feel less out of place when I was out with my friends from other schools too.

Aiya.. I think it's just part of growing up.

I miss Zz!!! Why is sispec also so hiong one. Haven't been talking to him online for 2 weeks already!!! *curse curse curse*

I know I ought to be studying now but I just have no idea what I am doing online.

Firstly, to my newly found lover - Zhijun, my dearest CT rep, yes, I do love you more!

Actually I'm really glad that I'm not feeling as lost as many others right now. A levels is around the corner. I can smell it, I can sense it. A pathetic four months left. Time is flying, really. I miss those days when I went KAP daily with my friends to study together for O levels and to stalk my SA eyecandy. Those were the days.

So what is missing now? Seriously, I don't know. All I know is that something is missing in my life. But again, nothing is perfect. Everyone has something missing in their lives, it is nature, it is balance in life.

* * *



Every time I see those smses I will feel very guilty. What am I doing right now? Shouldn't I be studying?

I am blessed to have known you. You have been the one who kept me going all these while. Thanks for listening as well =) Thanks for your accompaniment and your time. Thanks for being there for me. You have been a great friend, really. I am truly sorry for those occasional sarcastic comments. I am a bad girl, I know. This friendship means a lot to me too.

I will work hard, for I want to be your senior two years later!!

Wth. Mixed feelings. I can't tell exactly how I'm feeling now. Perhaps I don't even know it myself. There are just so many things I don't know, though I wish I do. I know I have absolutely no right to but you just can't stop a curious mind. And, yea, I somehow managed to find out something unintentionally. But wth, I didn't expect myself to be reacting this way now. Why!? I just want to tell myself: hey, it's bullshit, bullshit bullshit bullshit. This should not be the case. It should never be the case! What's wrong with me? I'm for hell's sake jealous jealous jealous damn bloody jealous. I wanna scream. I wanna run in the rain.

I need to do something about it, before it's too late, before it's already beyond hope. I need to control, I think to relax. I need to take it easy, I need to slow down. I need to draw a line, I need to clear my mind. I need time to reflect, I need to spend some time with myself.

Who am I? Who are you to me?

It's a cycle, it's nature.

Look forward, smile. It'll be a better day tomorrow.

I'm losing appetite recently. I feel hungry easily but can't really eat much whenever I start eating. Bahhh..

There are many things ought to be done from now onwards. I will be very selfish and giving a 'can't be bothered attitude'. I shall not give a damn about many things from today onwards. It's time to shut myself in my own world and get certain things done.

***

I want this perfume!! Lanvin Eclat D'arpege! But don't know where to get.. It's very expensive too, £37.00 leh! =( haha.

How Are You My Friend? - 郭美美

How Are You My friend
就算我们不再见面
还是依然记得你曾在我身边
从来不曾改变

How Are You My friend
现在还像不像从前
不会忘记我们渡过的每一天
永远没有句点
永远都没有句点

This is part of the lyrics from the song. It's for a dear friend of mine.

I know you'll never see this, but I want to let you know that I'll always be there with you and for you.

I thought I won't cry over you again. But I still did. I couldn't control my feelings. Every thought of you hurts me deeply somehow. Why am I so emotional? Why am I so sentimental? I hate myself for being such a loser when comes to handling of friendship problems, especially when the person concerned is you. You don't know how much you meant to me. You are my only regret in life, and I was serious. I thought I managed let go of all these sometime ago, but I was so wrong. I don't dare to think of you anywhere else now, other than in my own room, for tears will gush into my eyes uncontrollably whenever I think of you. I'm just a girl after all, I realise.

Did you know how joyful I felt when you asked me to join you in the library to study last year? That was our very first meeting since after your concert in 2004, if you noticed. Did you know how touched I was when I received your SMS on my birthday this year? It was the first time you SMS-ed me on my birthday in 5 years. It was one of the best gifts I have ever received this year. And, did you know how excited and surprised and happy I was when you told me your plans 2 years later? I know there is no guarantee, I know your plans might change within these 2 years, but I was really glad that you gave a thought to it at least.

I am not and I will not expect anything from you. Because I think you did have a hard time figuring out how to react and what to say to me when I told you certain things recently. I just want you to know my feelings, that is all. I want you to know that I am concerned about you. I want you to know that there will be a friend with you and for you whenever and wherever you are in this world. Any time, anywhere. I promise.

* * *
Expectations. It can drive people crazy. It makes people more demanding, selfish and inconsiderate. Don't ever expect people to do certain things for you. No one owes you anything. Expectations give you false hope. Expectations bring disappointments. The higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment one might get. Hence, we shan't expect so much from life, or from anyone else.

We must be happy with what we have, and with what we don't.

I am happy for the moment. I cleared my mind. Though problem is not really solved (I believe it could never be), I am glad for what had happened. It is not because of what you had said, but more because of what I did. I finally had the courage to tell you the things that had been bothering me for years. I am so proud of myself. I felt so much better after pouring almost everything out.

Hope I won't ever cry over it again.

"I think Virginity is overrated." -Josh-

Why is everyone around me losing faith? Actually.. I don't know also. I think I'm losing faith too. My thinking is changing, it's eroding. Faith, oh well.

One of my weak points is to idealise situations. But, this world is never ideal.

*It's worth waiting. It really is.*

*Love your loved ones for who they are and what they are not. If not, you are not loving them enough.*