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Monday, July 30, 2012
Then again. Im back here..
Doesnt change though, or should i say i'm a human and i've got feelings.
I grew everyday, and i realised the impact from the past. Past mistakes made me stronger yes. But there's always something, something that i couldnt forget. So much that i wished i can go back in time, it's contradicting. I dont wanna lose anything i have right now. The achievements, friends, experiences, if only all these could be sent together back to the past, which wont make sense if it does.
It's painful living with regrets. I regretted alot, alot alot alot. The feeling it's like you're running a 42km marathon and u gave up at the 40km mark, sooo close to the ending.
I will always tell myself, why can't i just hang on a little bit longer. Why do i have to give up so easily, why dont i care, why can't i work hard, why is it that im so immature!!!
Those eyes.. I'll never forget them..
i miss those times.
i wanna go back..
It ends at 10:09 PM Sunday, March 04, 2012
 I almost forgot how simple happiness can be Well at least it made me smile. =D I survived all the bullshit, all the heartbreaks, i held on and carry on with life. Just like all my friends does, there's always ups and down. And when ure down, dont let the bullshit gets deep into you, Stand up and move on, that's what i always do. Life gets tough when we grow up, but it's always the past, those little things that reminded us that you can do it. Cause this is not the first time you've been through this kind of situation. There's still so many trees in the world, why ruined your life and give up just cause of one tree. I swear it'll always get better, reaching out to the world outside. There's still so many things out there waiting for me. New course, new jobs, new friends, new life. I've been so down lately, cause i've been focusing only on a single tree and missed out the fun in the world outside! Why am i so narrow-minded for the past 1 year. Well wadever cause my mind is opened up right now! Grasping on to FREEDOM! Been there, done that. It ends at 5:15 PM
 Well i decided to take a look at this weird old folder and found tons of screenshots inside! And this was quite cute! My Own Story - A perfect story written by an imperfect person. But so far it's never even been near perfect. Rather, it's been kinda screwed up. And yes, i did screwed it up. It felt like, back to square 1 after so many years has passed. Suck isnt it? I felt wasted. It's worst than being alone. It ends at 2:49 AM Friday, February 24, 2012
I may be slow, but now i realised something. Somebody definitely has to be the bad guy, so other could gain something. No one likes being the bad guy, but if being forced or to be without realising it due to selfish people. Well i guess i couldnt help it can i? Some people just think for their own well being. I've seen it, never would i thought i will see it. I'll be much happier being ignorant. They just freaking make use of you, show you 2 sides of the face. Not admitting it, not ashamed of what they've done. And still able to talk to you like nothing ever happened. I'm pissed, yet trying to be calm. I can be cruel, break the friendship, break the relationship, but i chose not to. Revenge to me is meaningless, breaking up is useless, what can i do? Staying there letting them step over my head and not say anything? And they have the cheek to defend for themselves after such shameful act. I wonder if these people ever learn. Every man for himself. Sucks to be true. I wont become like these people. If i made a mistake, i step up and admit it rather than pushing the blames to other people. There're people who always blame other people, blame this blame that, blame the whole world other than themselves. I suffered from it before, people pushing the blames on me. And there goes their problems was solved. While i tank all the sufferings by myself. This is bullshit man. I cant go back in time anyway. But if i can, i will. It ends at 1:04 AM Sunday, February 05, 2012
Hasnt been here for a long long time, well i guess blogspot is kinda outdated? Or is it me that is outdated. Doesnt matter anyway. When im here, of course, u get to see me whine and complain and say whatever things i wanted. Of course, the reason i blog nowadays was when im feeling down, not all the times though. At least i felt better after typing what i feel. I was kinda troubled, especially with the fact that i came from a poor family, and the fact that i hasnt got a place in university. What i always thought, no degree = no future. Which some people dont agree and they told me, "you dont need to have degree to earn big bucks". Yes but i dont have that kind of talent, reality is reality, and if you're telling me that i can do it. Cmon i rather u be honest with me. I know what i'm capable and not capable of. At least a degree ease my heart, a 3k starting pay isnt a bad start. But when i looked at those people my age earning 5k 6k, the moment i started to compare, i'm beginning to feel like a loser. Some even become millionaires/billionaires before 30. wtf right? Makes me wished for a time machine. If there is, i wonder what will happened to my new life. I can only remember 2 turning points in my life, the time when i got into a r/s during my first year of poly, and the time when i got introduced to the hi/deaf world. Before that, life is the same everyday. Go to school, study eat go back home shower play games sleep. What if i decided not to make friend with the first girl, what if i decided not to get close to the people in the hi/deaf world. *Let's stop here* That wont happen anyway. Love life the way it is right now, we dont live forever. I wanna earn big bucks! That's what i think currently. I believed my mindset will change again during the times in Army. It ends at 3:41 AM Sunday, November 06, 2011
As of now I'm thinking, maybe I shouldn't appear, should I? But you know it already happened. Suddenly I feel like back in the past, back to square one and nothing had changed. somehow I feel like I've screwed up other people's life. Not directly but maybe indirectly without intention. so much had happened, the pace's so fast. Things happening which involves me most of the time and I couldn't help it but just accept the way it is. What hurts is that it'll never be the same again. And in the end, I'm always involved. My influence on other people's life, I've never realized how big or how small it was, but until I came to realized I was indirectly involved in the past events. Sometimes it isn't fully because of me, but no matter what I'm always part of it passively. And when I decided to leave, that's when the tears and emotion came. Those that I remembered I always hopes it doesn't happen again. I couldn't do anything, running away won't solve anything. Staying won't change anything. Since young I've always worried, am I disturbing them? And them, they're everywhere. I always like eating alone, it's so peaceful and I can take my time so people don't have to wait for me, so I won't feel like I'm disturbing anyone. But then i often had dinner with my friends and their family, lots of time and with different family in the past. And I often felt like an extra. Sometimes i envy that they could have a nice dinner together as a family. I know i was too big to whine for it now, and I've gotten used to it despite the way I grew up. I have my own story to tell, my own history which u might not understand. And I understand people won't know how it feels like until it really happened to them, so I've never got a good encouragement before. I've never had a friend who came from a divorced family since young, though I have a few friends whose mother or father passed away. I believed they too have their own story to tell, everybody has it, their own story and difficulties which I might not be able to understand too. I had my own story too. I don't wanna disturb anybody, i don't mind sitting alone in the far corner looking at people. But if my existence were to create troubles. I rather not, I rather stay away and perish. I had dinner today with 2 of my uncles, my dad, my cousin and her boyfriend. I was the youngest among them, I heard a few things from them which was kinda cruel and I don't wanna accept that kind of reality. I replied with faith, but what I got from their face expression was,"you're too young to understand, Haofeng." If I summarized, it would be near something like, "sometimes in life we have to let it go and move forward." It never happened in my life right now, not because it never happen. It's just that it HASNT happen. I didn't disagree with them, cause I had a similar past experienced. Having faith now won't change the future, but it'll only influence life in present. And meanwhile, I was hoping they're just scaring me, i fear thus I couldn't differentiate. Well if may be useless to be worrying about the future, but I will take into account of the possibility it might happen. So I will learn to prepare for life ahead. How would it feel i were to lose everything that happened in the past 2 years, I wonder. Life's a bitch sometimes. Someone definitely has to be the bad guys. Be it good or bad, i believed the memories will always stay. It ends at 5:17 AM Saturday, October 15, 2011
 I always had this familiar feelings, high up the mountains, deep in the forest, lots of huge green trees and lots of sunshine, and huge waterfall. Peaceful, quiet, calm and natural. And i'm not alone. It ends at 11:12 PM Thursday, August 04, 2011
 What's left after a day of work, no dinner for me, no one to talk to, no one there for me. Sucks isnt it? I know it's just for the moment, maybe it's just this moment that im quite emotional. I dunno why am i doing this, doing things without a reason. No aim no goals no dreams no ambition. I don't mind wasting my time on useless things that i like and enjoy doing it. But right now i'm like a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. Sick and tired. I will learn to be more firmed, and strict. It ends at 10:37 PM |
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