usually i'll start off with something sarcastic and 'smart' and try to make you burn a little more calories by putting on a damn smile but today all my attempts at such an objective would be a sad pathetic attempt at trying to be light-hearted because in actual fact, i can't help but just lock myself up in my room, sit in a corner, cry into a pillow and maybe self-mutilate myself til the physical pain conquers the anguish in my heart.

okay, not that extreme.

but anyway, yeah. girl stuff. you know the feeling when you meet someone, and instantly from the moment you lay eyes on that person, you feel something you've never felt before. something you can't really explain. there's no word for it either. well, at least i think there isn't. you see that person everywhere you go, in all the people you see and even before you go to sleep, your mind starts to wander and starts to dream up this mental image of you, being together with her for years, laughing, loving, crying, fighting, having a big break up over something so small, laughing over it again and the whole cycle carries on. sometimes you can't help it. your mind just goes on and on until you just go "what the f..." this goes on for so long, until you really feel weird not having to think about her. then one day, you come to a very scared thought, what if i just totally forget about her existence? what if she rejects you when you tell her the truth? what if you never see her again? what if...what if? is your heart beating irregularly now?

i happen to know this girl for about a good two years? maybe more than that i think, but who's counting really. but i guess the amount of times that we had actually communicated would about equals to a month or maybe even less. okay i'm exaggerating a bit. but yeah, i mean, we would communicate then and again because sometime i'd be too busy to reply in two days and put off to replying her with something worth her time. or sometimes she'd be just too busy to reply - period. i didn't mind though. cause she always seemed to remember me and whatever we were talking about two weeks ago. sure i did talked to her face to face and boy, was it the best days of my life. but i could tell you, i maybe only met like 4 days in total but, still, the best time i had with anyone. really, really, the best time. and everytime i'm out with her, i just feel like looking deep into...

but who am i kidding. i don't have the guts. it's amazing. cause i always am the one to put myself on the battlefield and be ready for a fury of gunfire to my chest when i confess to a girl all about my feelings for her (of course, it always went well and it was just probably for like a one week affair, so it didn't feel that bad). i'll be honest. my 'magic number' (as the kids now call it) is 14. and in all those events, i (no surprises here) was the one to make the first move. traditional guy, i am. you know, the guy who lives next door, brings you a bouquet of flowers on the first date, makes the girl feel like she's on of a kind, make her feel like a princess for that day, look into her eyes and tell her she's the most beautiful girl and then break her heart into a million tiny pieces the day after. yeah that kinda guy.

i'm kidding.

but seriously, she was just the only girl where i couldn't just tell her. but i so wanted to. then found out she was taken and that felt like a bitch but i held on, knowing that person she was with was a douche, from i inferred when she told me about me about him. i held on, knowing that she'd eventually break up with him. she was persistent to the fact that even though how much she was hurting, she still didn't want to leave him. i wonder whether it was worth it, but a voice in my head told me "don't be stupid, of course it's worth it". it took quite a while, but eventually one day, she happened to walk past me one boring day (when i was just about to start my menial job as a waiter), and gave me news that i (selfishly but then again) waited to hear. she had just broke up.

i know i should be sounding sympathetic and all, but you have to understand where i was coming from. god was that the happiest day of my life. met her a few days after that, had more great great time. after so long, i had her sitting once again sitting across me. and there wasn't any akwardness. no "erms" or "uhs" or even awkward silences. to me at least, it wasn't awkward. we soon planned to meet again, and we did. and the best i could do was hint to her.

to this day, i don't know whether she knows that i have the slightest feeling for her. i never did tell her, in fairness, but i am told girls tend to feel this so, but still, i'm not to certain. never have i felt this insecure about someone. but everytime when i see her in front of me, and as much as i am scared and confused to say this, she really did feel right. no other girl, and i mean NO OTHER girl, made me feel this way the way she did. from the first time i met her, we clicked. and the second time, it was just perfect. i'm so glad that i managed to not it end there.

but i think that maybe, i may have to end it here. end it now. no one ever put me on such a roller coaster the way that she did. and right now, we seem to be having a lot of miscommunication and, yeah, i know i'm over-thinking it. but she's not replying (not replying within a day), but i've seen her before when she gets a message and she kinda stones when she gets a message, but still. and also, i now just don't even know what to say to her. i am just weird inside. it feels stupid, for me to say now, i'm ending it, when there wasn't anything to start with. all i ever wanted was for her to be by my side and see how things went from there. and now, the girl whom i've been thinking of for this couple of years, the girl whom i've been thinking of even when i'm out with others, the girl whom i wish was my girlfriend...

this is probably one of the saddest and worst fucking decision that i'm making. and you know, it sounds freakin weird. why? she probably doesn't have any feelings for me at all. she'll probably think i'm such a perverse guy who has nothing better else to do but to put himself in misery for his own sick amusement to gather sympathy votes.

like what the hell is wrong with me? but yeah, guess i've to say goodbye. i've wasted more than two years. as they say right, there are many other fish in the pond. but just before the fisherman plans to put down his rod for the last time, he always dreams of catching that one particular fish. the one fish that makes it all worth it. what more can i say now?

i feel like shit now.

what a comeback eh? first post after god knows how long and it sounds like i'm spiraling into depression.