So I've been using Haenim's 7S (World's first bluetooh breast pump!! ) for almost 3 weeks now and I'm really enjoying the app that comes along with it! All you need to do is on the bluetooth on your phone (it works with apple or android phones) and you can use the app to control your breast pump, choose your ideal level of pressure, save your favorite controls and even help you track the amount of volume you expressed after every pump session.

To mummies, we always like to know if we are producing enough for our children. The records and the graph will help us keep track of whether our output has increased / decreased our whether our milk boosters are working!

The breast pump also comes with 3 funnel sizes so you can try out which size fits you the best. (Our nipple sizes do change sometimes and this will allow you to change the flanges as and when you like!)

For a limited time only, until 31st May 2017, my followers get to enjoy an exclusive $100 off at www.TLO.com.sg ! All you have to do is use my code: PHYLLISFATBALL to enjoy the discount! Feel free to dm me if you have any queries regarding the pump.

Greek Honey from Hellenic Gaia!

Honey has been around for a really long time but no one has ever really told me the benefits of taking honey! Honey has been used all around the world by different cultures over the past 2,500 years. Do you know that there are many ways you can eat Honey? You can either eat it directly from the bottle, spread it on your bread or mix it with juices or any drinks! You can even mix it with warm water, lime juice, tea, cinnamon and other herbs to make it a medicine. Simply replace your sugar with honey for more health benefits.

Honey Health Benefits:

1) Sweetener: Sugar can be substituted with honey in many food and drinks. Honey contains about 69% glucose and fructose.

2) Weight Loss - My favourite part!: Though honey has more calories than sugar, when honey is consumed with warm water, it helps digesting the fat stored in your body.

3) Energy Source: The carbohydrates in honey can be easily converted into glucose by even the most sensitive stomachs, since it is very easy for the body to digest this pure, natural substance.

4) Source of Vitamins and Minerals: Commonly, honey contains Vitamin C, Calcium and Iron.

5) Improving Athletic Performance: Recent Research has shown that honey is an excellent ergogenic aid and helps in boosting the performance of athletes. Honey is a great way to maintain blood sugar levels, muscle recuperation and glycogen restoration after a workout, as well as regulating the amount of insulin in the body, as well as energy expenditure.

6) Antibacterial and Antifungal properties: It is often used as a natural antiseptic in traditional medicines.

7) Antioxidants: Honey contains nutraceuticals, which are very effective for the removal of free radicals from the body. As a result, our body immunity is improved against many conditions.

8) Skin Care with Milk and Honey (Another one of my favourite health benefit!): These ingredients help in creating smooth, beautiful skin.

I have received 7 different bottles of honey from Hellenic Gaia last week and tried each and every one of them, I will share with you which one are my favourites!

Hellenic Gaia's raw and unfiltered honey is collected from Mt Pageon and other adequate spots in Greece. When I say raw honey, it means the original honey was not involved in heating, pasteurization or any other processes. Raw honey contains natural vitamins, enzymes, powerful antioxidants and also many other nutrients. These are the nutrients that will be lost if honey goes through any heating or pasteurization processes.


Let me first introduce you to their Silver Label: Hellenic Gaia Greek Honey!

Amongst these 4 types of honey, my favourite will be the Thyme Flowers Honey!

I prefer it to be sweeter and the Thyme Flowers Honey is the sweetest among the rest.

If you like it less sweet with lower natural sugar levels, you can go for Pine Honey or Thyme Pine Honey.

For people who wish to have a combination of strong aromatic flavor with a slight bitter aftertaste, you can try the Chestnut Honey! Chestnut honey has a very unique taste of slight tannic and herbal aroma.


Next, they have the Gold Label: Hellenic Gaia Greek Honey with Mastic!

Similarly with my previous choice, I love the Thyme Pine Honey with Mastic for this range!


So what exactly is the difference between the silver and gold label?
The Gold Label range contains Mastic which is a natural, off-white colour, semi transparent resin that comes from mastic trees in Northern Greece.


Mastic has 5 health benefits:

1) Antimicrobial action - Can delay and eliminate microbes, bacteria and pathogenic micro organisms.

2) A protective agent against atherosclerosis - Prevents the risk of atherosclerosis and heart diseases.

3) Dentistry and Orthodontics ally - Reducing the frequency of orthodontic problems and in gum strengthening.

4) Treatment of peptic system diseases -Relieves gastrointestinal disorders, dyspepsia, stomach ache and peptic ulcers.

5) Oral hygiene and dental research - Gives a greater feel of mouth freshness and cleanness and also relieves people who are suffering from dry mouth.



HOWEVER!

For mummies out there, I have to remind you that only when your kids turn 1 year old, then you can slowly introduce Honey! And for me, I am the type of mother that hates to feed too much medicines to Kaylen when he is sick especially if it is just a mild cough or flu. So I mixed Hellenic Gaia's honey with warm water (just make sure it is not too concentrated and sweet) for Kaylen and it really really helps with his cough!

And if you wish to prepare food for your babies, you can choose to substitute sugar using honey!

I love to prepare Avocado for Kaylen since it plumps him up with the good fats and because of the nature of the taste, I add a little of honey to add on to the flavor and he LOVESSSS it.

Anyway it works equally well for me. I can be pretty stubborn and lazy when it comes to eating medicines and for now I'm trying to avoid as much medicines as I can so I am taking Thyme Flowers Honey with Mastic to treat my cough!



Of course it doesn't work immediately to eradicate the cough lah, but it really helps with the frequency of coughing!
So mothers, instead of always feeding your kids with medicines, you can think of using this alternative! Just remember to give your kids in moderate amounts  :)






Oh yes, I forgot to mention that Hellenic Gaia will be part of Singapore Food Expo 2016! You can get to have a taste of honey at their booth.
This event will be held from 27th to 31st of May 2016 at Singapore Expo Hall 4!



Feel free to check their Facebook page out:
https://www.facebook.com/HellenicGaiaSG/?fref=ts


If you would like to purchase Hellenic Gaia's Honey:It is available in major chain supermarket (Cold Storage & NTUC Fairprice) & Departmental Store (OG, Yue Hwa & Mustafa)


Enjoy your Raw Honey!

Part 2: After Birth!

I would firstly like to thank all my friends, relatives and even strangers for all your well wishes, and for those that kept baby Kaylen in your prayers, I am very very grateful to all of you. Baby is doing very well now as compared to the first week, and is putting on weight everyday :) Already looking forward to him coming home with me, and I suppose it will just be another two or three weeks!

This photo was taken about 3 hours after birth? Since I was in class B ward, I was not given the liberty to choose confinement meal. What I ate was porridge with some meat and vegetables that tasted super nice to me probably cause I was already starving!

My cousin Serena came to visit me for awhile since she is working in SGH, and was chatting with her and sister until my parents and brother came. My mom left at about 11am in the morning for work cause she didn't know I was going to give birth so soon! And she started talking about confinement to me already lolol! Cause apparently I wasn't supposed to take porridge and water? But what to do!! I am still in the hospital and there is nothing I can do. Confinement meals will only begin after I reach home from the hosp!

After resting for a few hours, I got out of bed, my sister wheeled me to the baby's ward and that was the first time I got to see baby - in person.

There were alot of mixed feelings when I first see baby in the incubator. One- relieved that he was born healthily, second- heartbroken to see him in tubes and seeing how small he is just makes me reproach myself, third- a moment of disbelief that I had already brought him to this world. In other words, I was still trying to comprehend the fact that I'm officially a mother.

What made me really happy and what melted me was how he opened his eyes to look at me when he heard my voice, like he could recognise that this is the voice of his mother. It was the sweetest feeling ever having him to grab my fingers just within a few hours of his arrival. How can a baby be so alert of his surroundings now??

Anyway! Hubby's friends Delon and Nicholas came to visit during the first night and Joey couldn't stop yakking about the entire labour process hahahaha. I only remember he kept saying there was alot of blood lol!! Thank you for coming to check on me! After all of them left including hubby, I was just on my bed staring into blank space, until one of the nurse came to ask me if I wanted to express milk for my baby, even though he hasn't start on feeding yet. I did tell her that I was leaking and there might be alot of milk for the start, but she didn't believe and gave me one small pathetic 5ml syringe.

Until she started massaging my boobs and more milk came out, so she had to take two of the 10ml syringe instead hahahaha. (Really considered quite alot for the first express.) So from then onwards, I am up every three hours, rented a pump from them so that I can continue expressing milk for Kaylen. WAH I TELL YOU I THOUGHT I HAD ALOT OF MILK BUT I WAS WRONG. The next few days was so horrible!! I could hardly fill the base of my bottle with milk T_T. The worst part is people around you that say "Huh!! SO little only ah? Enough for baby meh?" and those comments actually made me feel like giving breastfeeding up lol.

So please ah in future if your wives are gonna breastfeed, encourage her by telling her that the milk will come, and not comment on how little she is pumping and telling her it isn't enough for the baby. Our bodies are not machines! It takes time to 'cue' and 'demand' for more supply. After I tell hubby off once, and told him how stressful it is for me, he became for supportive and gave encouraging comments instead. Haha.

Kaylen's first photo with daddy. He was sooooo tiny back then!

BUT, the one and only person that I really really really need to thank is Hubby, for his unwavering support during those few days when I first got admitted to the hospital. Never would have gone through it without his care and concern and companion when I was alone in the hospital. Many times I cry and felt like giving up but he spurred me on by reminding how strong I need to be for him and for the baby.

I know it was hard on you those few nights, traveling to and fro from the hospital, coming early in the morning to have breakfast with me, and only leaving late at night when I am about to sleep. Especially during the time after labour when I was so grumpy and grouchy. When he tried to touch me and 'sayang' me I kept asking him not to touch me cause I'm super tired. HAHA I have no idea what was with the angst but I was a super grumpy woman, and kept asking to be left alone. I only went back to normal after a short nap after birth. HEHE.

It was especially sweet when he constantly tell me that I'm the hero in his heart now and how appreciative he is of me for going through all the pain just to give birth to Kaylen. (So now whenever he bullies me I will just remind him of what I went through HAHAHAH)

Only patients are allowed on bed but there was once he was so tired both of us just fell asleep on the bed, side by side. Until one of the nurses came in and say it is actually not okay, but she will just close an eye for the both of us hahahaha. Oh yes, my little penguin was there in the hosp with me since day 1 lol! I need something to hug to sleep so hubby brought me my penguin. hahaha.

He was on leave that week so he accompanied me as and when he could. Thanks hub !

So throughout my 3D2N stay in hosp (I can actually discharge after one night but hubby wants me to rest and stay for another night.), every three hours after I pump some milk I will bring it up to NICU and stay there to talk to baby for about 45 mins before I go back to bed and try to sleep. THE SLEEP WAS SO GOOD!! I never had a good night's sleep for damn long because of all the aching in the back during pregnancy, but now I SLEEP LIKE ONE PIG! Hahaha, I can fall asleep almost immediately all the time, and words can't explain how shiok it was lol!

But the next few weeks, the routine of travelling to and fro from hospital for twice a day was taking a toll on both our bodies. It is super tiring! Especially for hubby when he needs to visit baby after work cause we need to pass him breast milk. Thnnkfully, my father in law offered to send me to and fro from the hospital every afternoon, until lately cause I will pass hosp enough milk to last baby till night time, so I don't have to travel down every afternoon.

My routine now is to sleep at about 10 plus, wake up once at 2plus in the morning to express milk, another time at 5 plus in the morning, and then 8 plus again because the Malay lady who does my massage comes at 9am every morning. By the afternoon, I will sometimes feel tired again so I will take a nap. That was the reason why i couldn't find time to blog! Cause usually after massage I will go shower, and then prepare to eat lunch and prepare to go hospital. By the time I reach home, I need to pump again, and I will be dead tired. After the nap? Time to pump again before dinner, and after dinner I need to prepare to make another trip to the hospital. I really really didn't have any extra time to blog at all :/


---- ok time out, need to express milk lolol ------

FINALLY BACK!

First of all, sorry again for being away for so long! I have been receiving messages on my ask.fm over the past many months and I understand that you guys want me to update about my life as a mother! I'm really awfully sorry that I have been super caught up with school and work! Like I've mentioned in my previous posts, whenever I can find some free time, I always choose it to spend time with Kaylen or spend some lonesome time with the hubby to keep our marriage alive instead on spending on my laptop! BUT!!! Lol, since the little fella is asleep now in the room, and I have about an hour to do my stuffs, I decided to draft up this post and update bit by bit before I post it up.

The last time I've updated this platform was in April? And many many things have definitely changed over these few months, and I must say, better things are coming my way, and my life has been so much more stress free especially after I was done with my examinations last month! (Would be done with school if I can pass all my modules, so fingers-crossed!)

Okay, let's see what I can remember over the past few months okay? LOL!
And so....going through my photos, I remember I haven't posted about trip to Hong Kong!

Hong Kong Disneyland!

We went Hongkong for 5 days if I'm not wrong, and as usual, I decided we should head to Disneyland! And for the fact that I've travelled to Hongkong a couple of times, I planned out the itinery for the group, and we stayed at Metropark Mongkok again!

The rooms are not TOO bad, and we got a complimentary upgrade because we told the hotel that we were celebrating our wedding anniversary. (Always works, trust me lol!) And I love the location of the place! It was just about 5 minutes walk away from the Prince Edward MTR and from the hotel, we could walk to Mongkok MTR and there are so many shopping centres over there, including the Argyle Centre!

But as much as I enjoy the food in Hongkong, I believe I wouldn't be travelling there anytime soon already. Lolol I think I've visited Hongkong enough.

Oh yes, we went with his colleagues and one of his colleagues' girlfriend Venus tagged along too! Always nice to have female company in the group :)) She was the one who took awesome photos of me and Joey!

I believe this trip happened after Joey came back from his overseas deployment in Brunei and shortly after he went for his deployment in Taiwan. Being too used to his absence due to his work, it doesn't feel that bad when he is away for a month twice in a year. We still have to endure another two deployment next year, and after that he will be done with the force! Joey is most likely going to join his mum in AIA and I am still figuring out what I wanna do since I'm almost done with school. Most likely going to work for events for another year or two before I venture out into the work force and compete for jobs with other graduates.

Kaylen has been growing so fast and I really can't believe that he is already 14 months old now! If I truly reflect on myself for being his mother, I would honestly say that I'm not a perfect mother because I wasn't there for him 24/7, I wasn't there to sleep with him every night, but I really do try my best to spend as much time as I can with him and to watch him grow day by day.

Even though he is a little slow in his physical developments as compared to peers his age, he is a lot more vocal! He can identify many objects like ball, lights, fan, eyes etc. He will just point them out to you if he sees them and if you ask him 'where is mama's eyes?' He would point to my eyes. Very smart, but extremely active and notorious. He is a stubborn kid like his father, and would often scream and cry to get to what he wants. Attempting to be a strict mom, I would say no to him and sometimes gently beat his hands only to receive - you know what? A slap from him or a bite from him. :( Teaching a child is not as easy as we thought it is and now I totally understand why some parents have no control of their child at all.

This post sat amongst my drafts for awhile, took me awhile to decide if I should post it. But since it was already written, why not? But it isn't complete and I don't intend to complete because I ran out of things to say, or rather everything was just repetitive. These days it feels as if darkness drew me back in again, and I just wasn't happy anymore. I can't find a reason to. :( The worse part is I can't even comprehend all these sadness sigh. I probably should stop being so negative towards my next few posts and find something positive to write about. 

Ok, I will just leave this uncompleted post here:







Was all the sacrifices I made and everything I gave up worth it?

I had dreams I wanted to chase, things I wanted to do and promises I wanted to fulfill. I was only 21 year old but had such heavy responsibilities upon my shoulders. There are times I felt lost, when I'm not sure of what I needed to do. I was a young woman with a bright future ahead of me but my life changed when I met this man. I was so blinded with love, so blinded with passion that I gave everything to this man that I just met. I entrusted my lifetime of happiness, my health and my youth to him. I was ready to give up what I had for the labour of our love- my son. 

I didn't mind if I had a lavish wedding or not, didn't mind if I wore a beautiful gown, didn't mind the sarcastic and judgmental comments regarding my pregnancy. At that point of time, I fought for the survival of my son, all I wanted to do was to bring him to this world, safe and sound. I was told that I would not be a good mother, I would be too young to be a good wife, and that I wasn't ready to build a family of my own. Many people wanted to take my son away from me, trying to convince me that I wasn't ready for such a heavy responsibility. I stood up against everyone, insisted that I wanted to keep my child, and was happy that I had a supportive partner. I was excited for this huge change in my life, and nothing else mattered to me other than my little bean that was still growing in my womb. I was happy, I thought my life was completed. I thought....

But things changed. People changes. I was pretty much on my own during the entire pregnancy, I was my only emotional and physical support. Many times, my own mother and my sister accompanied to my monthly check ups and at times, I entered the room on my own. I suffered from prenatal depression and my moodswings were unpredictable. I hated how pregnancy changed my body, my complexion and my confidence. I went through 7 and a half months of pregnancy with stares from people everywhere I go. I see ladies gossiping as they looked at me but I ignored. I believe I could be a fantastic mother even though I was young. 

I wanted to work till my tummy started showing, but who were the ones that were really concerned about me and my baby? - my own mother and my sister. Nobody told me that I should rest until this one fine day when I almost fell in my heels while working. Who cared for me and my son's safety when I worked? - my 7 close sisters. 

Countless times, I was left crying on my own, I walked alone and wondered where all my promised happiness went? It felt like I was treading on a thin line everyday and that anything I say or how I behave would trigger a fight. I was afraid to be around him. He was like a time bomb. I used to be an unreasonable little girl and wanted everything my way. This resulted in people and that included my father telling me that I should change and that I shouldn't behave like a little girl anymore now that I' a mother. All the shame and blame was on me. I was told that I needed make up to be pretty and that I should respect my partner by dolling myself up. Did they know how pregnancy changed me? No they don't..I was told to be understanding because I didn't have to work and that my partner was tired, and so I should just suffer in silence. Because things are meant to be like that for a married couple. A woman should never show any resentment. 

I will be back soon!

Hi guys, Thank you for taking the time to read my previous posts regarding my struggles as a married woman and mother and thank you for the questions on ask.fm! I will be back very soon after my exams and as soon as I have the time to type again. I got so many things to update! Feeling a little sad that May is approaching because I will be travelling to Hong Kong (AGAIN!!! -_-) with hubby and his colleagues. And I'm sad cause I don't bear to leave Kaylen :(

Okay! I got to go back to my books, my papers are starting on the 22nd April!
Before I go off, few photos of my beloved darling:

I'm blogging from my newly bought Samsung Tab S and I LOVE IT!! So much more convenient hehehee.

Life of being a Mother, a Wife, a Student, and Part-timer.

In my previous post, I mentioned about the difficulties and challenges I encountered being Kaylen's mother but little did I know that it was only the beginning. With the arrival of a baby, everything at home changes and conflicts/ disagreements regarding the upbringing of baby started arising. I was living in stress the moment Kaylen came home from the hospital. (I probably did mention a little during my previous entry but that was really just a small part of it.)




Disclaimer: I'm not here to complain about my in laws or my parents because they are very nice people. I'm just here to share about the problems that I encountered with people recently in general and honestly? I just needed to get some things off my chest. Don't be sensitive and think that I am referring to any of you in particular unless you are guilty of it? 


To me, being a mother wasn't too much of a difficulty, living with someone else's family is. Being a woman, we are destined to follow our husband after getting married, and to many elders, it is a must to stay with the husband's family. Not that my husband's family was difficult to live with, but it was more of the feeling that I can't be myself, and that I get judged with everything that I do. Basically, I had to behave like a role-model daughter-in-law that has no mind of my own. Of course, if I were to ignore all formalities and respect for my new parents/husband, I could have had a mind of my own and speak up for myself. BUT I CHOSE NOT TO because I respect my husband. Because I choose to be polite and embrace what my parents taught me -  to be filial. I lost count of the number of times I cried, hoping to be at the comfort of my own house where I can say what I want to and still behave like a baby in my mother's arms.

I admit I was leading a good life at my husband's. Because of the maid, I never had to do laundry, dishes or clean the house. I never had to do a single housework at home. But you know what? I realized I was much happier at my mother's even though I had to wash my own dishes, make my bed, pack my room and cook my own dinner. I miss living with my family so much so that I really regretted getting married this early sometimes. (I still love my husband, it was just about the matter of moving into someone else's home.) I WAS HOMESICK.

And then after an unforgettable incident one day, I decided that no matter what I did and how I behave, it doesn't matter. I will never be able to please everyone, and from then onwards, I gave up. I started distancing myself away, fearing to face the truth and buried myself with work and studies- and that really took a toll on the amount of time I spent with Kaylen. I thought to myself that as long as I reduce the interaction time with my new family, lesser tension would occur, and things will be easier for me and my husband. In that way, I wouldn't put anyone in a difficult spot, and that my in laws would have as much time as they want with Kaylen. Whenever I could finally have time with my son and try to spend as much time taking care of him as possible, which means showering, feeding and soothing him to sleep, I would be seen as 'unwilling to let anyone carry him'. But the truth is, I just wanted to do my job as a mother, even if it was just for a day. Many at times, I just didn't know what else I could still do to make people around me happy. Everything I did and everything I suggested was seen as a form of disrespect and there really isn't much that I could say or do. Everything felt so diplomatic at home that rarely felt light-hearted. And for the fact that I respect my husband, I chose to swallow everything  and never once showed any signs of unhappiness and disrespect to anyone. This I believe my husband will be able to vouch for me.

The most painful thing I went through was when I was trying to explain my stand politely and ended up being shoved away and asked to kept quiet. I wept to my husband that day and leaving the family actually came across my mind. (Writing about this now actually brought tears to my eyes..) Ever since that happened, I found myself distancing further away from them and understood how difficult it can be to try and be a part of someone elses' family. I took a huge effort to try and love and embrace my new family, but it didn't work out. I finally understood the woes of many wives and mothers. 

That was also when I realized, it is time for me and my husband to get a place of our own. We definitely need to be away from the folks, be it my parents or his. We needed a mind of our own, and we did not want any unhappiness at home to come inbetween our marriage. We have quarreled too many times because of our each families and we needed to do what is healthy for the both of us. (Even if it may make both parents unhappy.) I read this article, which I could totally relate to because I've encountered the same issues and I too, ended up in tears:

Leaving your parents and Balancing the Act.


Click on the link above and take some time to read it, because it will definitely benefit you if not now, in future.



And now.. My next problem:

As a young mother,  I understand that many elders would worry that we are too inexperienced to take care of babies but I seriously DETEST this stereotype about young mothers. We may be young but that doesn't mean that we did not take the effort to learn about caring for our babies. I read like almost 100 articles about babies when I was still pregnant with Kaylen! I even had almost two months of training in the hospital bathing, changing and carrying him.

A few things I believe all mothers (Not only young mothers) can relate to my experience regarding our own child:


1. DO NOT, I repeat: DO NOT EVER take a crying baby away from his/her mother.



In my opinion, this is the most disrespectful and offensive gesture you can do to a mother. And I absolutely detest detest this!! It is like telling the mother "Please let me handle the child, you have no idea what you are doing and I think I can soothe the baby better than you do." Who else other than the mother can best soothe a crying child? No matter who does this, my reaction will be the same.
There is nothing more that would irritate the hell out of me than this!!

As for Kaylen, he will whine and cry alot when he is tired but whenever I wrap him or babywear him, he would immediately stop and fall into slumber. This is why I always lock myself in the room when he does that because I hate it when somebody tries to carry him when I'm about to wear him. (AND THAT INCLUDES MY OWN FAMILY AND MY HUSBAND). A mother will do what she needs to and don't need anyone to take over or ANY of the sort.

This is just a normal mother instinct to be protective of her child and since it is normal for even animals to be protective of their offsprings, what more human beings right?


2. Return the baby as soon as the mother asks, regardless of the situation.

This human being that pulled my son away from me when I tried to carry him from her before I went to work. >:( Just because my hands felt a little chilled after washing hands.
HELLO THAT LITTLE HUMAN BEING CAME OUT FROM MY VAGINA WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO STOP ME FROM CARRYING HIM YOU HORRIBLE PERSON!!!





(Please excuse my use of words and my audacity because this is something that I absolutely cannot and will not tolerate!!)


3. Do not attempt to feed my baby any food unless permission is granted.



Please ah, some food that you attempt to feed may be hazardous to babies and might even kill them. Unless you want to accidentally murder a baby, don't ever try and do that. Just because you have seen some other mothers do it or your own mother do it, does not mean it is okay to feed my son. I have personally nagged at my mom a couple of times when she kept asking me to feed my son water before he turned 6 months old! And just because you have fed that to your own child in the past, doesn't mean that it is okay to feed my son.


4. If you intend to bring the baby out of our sight, at least inform!

Our son means the world to us and we would really really appreciate if you inform us when you have the intentions of carrying him elsewhere. And not leave us wondering where our baby went. Basic courtesy and respect to just inform. Would you be happy if I brought your child somewhere without telling you? I mean it is not as if I don't allow or that you need to ask permission for it. I DON'T NEED THAT. I just need you to inform us! And if me or my husband gave a valid reason for you to not do that, at least respect us by listening and doing the opposite?


5. Baby Wearing

I have encountered MANY times when super nosey aunties come and correct me about babywearing and tell me what I am doing is wrong. I've read about babywearing and have researched about the right and wrong ways of carrying babies. Do you think I would seriously listen to your old wives' tales instead of the professionals' opinions?



This is usually how I baby wear him and this is supposed to be of optimal comfort and support for his spine. And yet I have aunties coming to tell me that it is not good for babies to have their legs wide apart or that I should front face my baby. You have no idea what you will do to his spine development if you carry him facing front! So if you don't have an actual knowledge regarding babywearing, then don't correct me.



The worst above all? Someone I personally know coming to tell me that Kaylen looks very uncomfortable wrapped. OH PLEASE! Whoever has seen me wrapping kaylen before knows that he loves to be wrapped to sleep and can even sleep for up to 3 hours in my arms. HOW THE F IS THAT UNCOMFORTABLE. Uncomfortable he will fall asleep meh? Somemore when he woke up and whine, she told me "Oh must be sleep inside too long already not comfortable, faster take him out." NOPE U DO NOT EVEN HAVE KIDS YOURSELF SO DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

I've had friends who told me to babywear my son so nobody will try and come and take him away when I put him to sleep. But nope, didn't work. People can see me take a huge amount of effort to wrap him comfortably and still asked to carry him just right after I'm done wrapping.




And that leads to my next point:


6. If you are not even a mother or father yourself, don't question my parenting skills.

Seriously? I don't think I even need to waste my time on elaborating this. JUST DON'T. Or don't blame me for being nasty.



I think the  points I listed above had been something I wanted to tell everyone that I know and I'm so glad I finally did. Some of you may think that I overreacted but seriously, you will understand when you are married and have your own child.


That aside, I regretted going back to studying and working this early.

My dearest darling Kaylen, if you ever come across this, just know that I have intentions to stay home for another 6 months to take care of you. If it wasn't for the circumstances I was in, I could have spent much more time with you at home. I think I have somehow mentioned this on my previous post, but never really elaborated much on it. Because Kaylen was born prematurely, I wanted to ensure that I could be there for him during his early years at least to watch him grow and breastfeed him for as long as I could. I don't deny that school and work is important, but to me, nothing is more important than the development of my child. Do you know what is most important to mothers? Seeing her child hit their developmental milestones and be there to witness every milestones they achieve. But nobody understood how I felt. I was pressed to go back to school so that I can find a full-time job as soon as possible to help out my husband financially.

I don't understand where was the rush and why I had to be rushed to go back to school when all I wanted to was to spend more time taking care of him. Before I even finished my 3 months of 'maternity leave', I went back to work. I was so mad and so angry and people who rushed me into school and work that I made sure I worked every single day and made sure I kept their mouth shut by earning my own money. And what did I sacrifice? - the time I have with Kaylen. I have never once felt happy being away from Kaylen. Everytime I had to go to school, go to work, I miss my son and miss his presence. I feel guilty being a shitty mother because I couldn't stand for what I wanted for the better of him and succumbed to people around me. I understand that there was help at home, and that he is in safe hands. But all children need their mothers no? Correct me if I'm wrong. Every single day I live in stress and unhappiness thinking why I had to be away from him when I could have stayed by his side.  I was afraid of fighting for what I wanted and that proves how worthless I am as a mother.

For the past one month, due to school assignments and busy work schedule, I wasn't home until 10pm every night and the only time I saw Kaylen was before I went to school. (He sleeps with my mother in law so it wasn't convenient for me to see him at night.) And it was also because of the incident that I mentioned earlier in this post that I avoided spending time at home whenever my husband wasn't around. It was like I have a home to go back to but I was afraid of going back so I chose not to. All these took a toll on me mentally and physically. I was exhausted. I needed a break and desperately wanted to travel on my own, just somewhere with peace and serenity, and put aside this married life for awhile.

I was wrong to think that marriage is just about two people. I was ENTIRELY wrong. Marriage is about everyone except for the both of us. It was about compromising our happiness in order to satisfy the two families. Ever since we got married, nothing was about us anymore. Which is why I knew, the only way that marriage can work out is to live independently on our own, and build a house of our own.


But above all, I told my husband this: 'It doesn't matter how much I have to go through or how much grievances I have to swallow as long as you treat me well and love me right. At the end of the day if I could seek comfort and support from you, nothing else matters anymore.'  He is well aware of the problems we have, and he is still trying to fix it but, we are still trying. I can only look forward to the day that we step foot into our own house.


And for those judgmental people out there who thinks my life is easy because I didn't have to sleep with my son, let me tell you (Again):

If I had a choice, I would want to be a stay home mother and take good care of him- but I can't. How am I supposed to sleep with him at night when I needed to go to school the next morning and goes to work after that? I wouldn't be able to focus in class and I would probably ended up failing more modules and stay in school for another semester. I have no idea how working mothers do it, to be able to take care of their child at night and then wake up at 7 in the morning to go to work and home at 5pm.

Because of my school and work schedule, I had to leave Kaylen at home and thus needing help from people at home to take care of him. There was once I vividly remembered that I was told that I treated someone as a helper, and this confused me because I was the one that wanted to stay home and take care of him, but was told to go back to school. What do all of you want me to do? What is it that I can do to finally make all of you happy? Why is it that I had to take shit for everything that happens at home when I was not even involved in the first place? I wept that night, hoping that I could feel the warmth of my own family, and never have I felt like going home so badly! I had to try and forget about the feeling of being shoved away and asked to kept quiet but I could not. Till today, I can remember everything that happened, and I am still unable to put behind that incident.

People who are close to me would have known that I suffered from depression when I was younger and if I didn't stay strong for Kaylen, I would have easily fallen back into depression but I did not. So stop associating my crying with depression because I only cry because I feel sad. EVERY human being cry!! I can't tell you how much it upsets me whenever someone try to relate my past to how I am feeling now. I am a changed person and I am no longer the little girl who wants everything to go her way. If I was still who I am, I wouldn't have kept my mouth shut every single time I was accused of something I did not do. And I changed myself for only one reason- Because I love my husband and I love my beloved son. 

Sadly, human works this way. When you give in once, they take advantage of your kindness and do the same things to you again and again, thinking you won't fight back. - But my patience is wearing thin and I'm not sure how silent I would be the next time any shit lands on my head again.
It was only when I moved out of own house that I realized how important my family is to me and how happy I was living with my parents. I regretted not knowing that until today..The warmth that you receive from your own family is irreplaceable and you will never be able to feel that from someone elses' family. That is what I've learnt over the period of almost a year.

I wish someone could understand my feelings of loneliness and grieve but no one other than myself could. Not even the one closest to my heart.

Since I was unable to please everyone no matter what I do, I've decided from that day forth that I will never put in my 100% again because even my 100% isn't enough. Not enough as a daughter, a wife and a mother. In other words, I failed at all my roles.






On a lighter note....(Sorry for being so long-winded and sorry that I wrote this entry with a heavy heart.)


I've managed to convince my mum to quit her job to take care of Kaylen for me.



Some of my friends would have known that my in laws' maid got sent home because of her pregnancy, and honestly I felt lost initially when I got the news from my husband. I didn't know what was going to happen to Kaylen because the maid was the main caregiver of Kaylen when I wasn't around. She was one of the nicest maid I've encountered and I know I can trust her with him because I've secretly observed how she took care of him.

While waiting for the new maid to arrive, since my in laws had important jobs to attend to, I had to ask my mum to sacrifice her job and take three weeks of no-pay leave to help me with Kaylen. Even so, I was worrying because I will never be able to trust a new maid with Kaylen no matter how much experiences she may have with babies. How can I trust someone who just join the family and furthermore has zero attachment with Kaylen? Kaylen isn't an easy baby and he can be a terror sometimes. I doubt no one will have the patience like our families have for him. Feeding him can be a chore because he is fussy when he drinks milk and most of the time, my mum or my mil would think that it is because he didn't like the particular brand of milk. The truth is, he will only finish his milk whenever he is super hungry so I always made sure he was hungry before I fed him.

And over this period of two weeks, I've heard horror stories about maids ill-treating babies and children so I told my husband that I will never be able to set my mind at ease if I were to leave Kaylen with the new maid. Thus, my mum decided to make the sacrifice to quit her job and take care of her grandson for me.

That's all my updates for now, and I hope I have happier things to talk about next time!


Oh wait, let me include some recent photos of Kaylen :) :







That is me giving him a shower lol.

At the end of the day, I know your smile is all that matters to me.

Life of being Kaylen's Mummy!

I know I have been away from writing for FAR too long, but I really do have my reasons! So I am so so sorry to those who has been waiting for me to post something.

So what has happened the past few months right after Kaylen's birth?

Everyday has been pretty mundane since I was travelling to and fro from the hospital, handing milk to the nurses, spending precious time with Kaylen at the hospital talking to him, holding him, playing nursery rhymes to him and singing to him. Basically I was doing whatever I can, and spending as much time as I can with him, just to make sure that he knows I am his mother. The NICU journey is definitely not an easy one, especially the first few weeks when his condition fluctuates. My mood depends on how his condition is everyday, and my heart always skipped a beat when the doctors call from SGH. (They usually call when something major happens.)

So there was this one time when the doctor called to tell me that Kaylen's breathing got worse and then they had to shift him back to NICU from the HD ward. On our way to the hospital, I was already in tears and praying that he will be safe and sound, and that nothing will happen to him. I broke down when I saw him at the hospital that day, and was sobbing away until the nurses had to come over and console me. Seeing the doctors/nurses put needles in him was like having a knife repeatedly stabbed in my heart. It pains me so much to see my little one suffering at such a young age.

This was what I posted back then.

And then for the next 56 days from the day he was born, I visited the hospital everyday, and stayed for at least 4 hours per day, and sometimes I even go up to 8 or 9 hours. This is why I couldn't find the time to blog. Even though baby was in the hospital, I was waking up in the middle of the night, every 2-3 hours pumping, making sure that my supply will sustain till he comes home.

The worse part about the initial breastfeeding was not the pumping every three hours, it was the breast infection I suffered from, and I suffered TWICE. Running a high temperature of 41 degrees for three straight days, and I still had to wake up every three hour to pump in order to resolve the issue. I couldn't clear the engorgement, which then lead to this infection - Mastitis. The first time I suffered from it, my right breast supply went down to as pathetic as 20ml. My left wasn't affected so it was still functioning properly. I went down to a normal GP, got some medicine and antibiotics that was safe for breastfeeding. BUT SUAY ENOUGH, the doctor told me that the only antibiotics that they have that is safe for breastfeeding, contains Amoxicillin, which I was allergic to. I had no choice, but to try taking the medicine, and ended up suffering from weird ulcers in my mouth and rashes around my lips which caused it to crack and bleed.

After I recovered from the first time and it attacked again the second time, it was so bad I had to visit a gynae and be on drip because the infection was too bad. :( I remember waking up in the middle of the night having super painful and bruised breasts, and pumping when all I wanted to do was to sleep and feel better from the fever. Conclusion? BREASTFEEDING ISN'T EASY AT ALL. I am an exclusive pumping mother, though I try to latch Kaylen at least once a day. He doesn't like to latch now because he was too used to the bottle feeding and tube feeding in the hospital. So basically latching him was like fighting a war with him, he screams hysterically whenever I put my tits near his mouth lol.

After 2 weeks in NICU, Kaylen's condition finally became more stable, and here comes my first opportunity to carry him!!!

He was so fragile, so tiny.

No words will be able to describe the immense joy I felt when I first held him in my arms. Yes I do not enjoy the privilege of having to hold my baby as soon as I gave birth because he was placed into the incubator as soon as he was born. During the 2 weeks I could only place my hands into the incubator to touch him and feel his skin.

This was all we can do before we finally got to carry him.

And then here come all the firsts, first family photo:

First time changing his diapers:

And my first time doing Kangaroo Care with him when he was much much better!

And then feeding him...

All these little firsts may be very familiar to all mothers since they were able to do it since day 1, but to many preemies' mothers, all these opportunities are very precious to us. Because during the entire NICU journey, the only thing that made us felt like we were a mother, was pumping milk for our little one, since we can't take care of them like how other mummies do.

And as day passes, Kaylen started putting on weight, doctors remove his IV plugs, I was finally able to bathe him in the hospital. It was definitely scary the first time, bathing for such a tiny baby, but all these practices made me a confident mother in taking care of a preemie. When I first bathed him, I remembered he was only about 2kg! Snapping his photos became my favourite past time too, until my phone was flooded with only his pictures and videos. (Same goes to my husband, parents' and sister's phone!!)

Kaylen started to open his eyes more, smile more, as me and Joey try to capture all these little moments on camera.

Everyday time passes like that with me going hospital, pumping and pumping and pumping, waiting for hubby to fetch me home from hospital, waiting for the day that he can be discharged, and FINALLY ONE DAY, I decided to speak up. I told the nurses that he is in the hospital for way too long, and that I really really hope to take him home with me. After that night, there was a tremendous improve in his feeding, and was able to finish all his feeds within 48 hours! So just two days after I spoke to the doctor, they decided to DISCHARGEEEEEE HIM!!! I was so so so so happy that I can finally have him home even though it also means that I get lesser rest and sleep.

Kaylen was discharged at 2.99kg, and has stayed in the hospital for about 1 and a half months! I had alot of mixed feelings about him coming home, happy that I can finally have my son by my side, but worried that I'm not ready to take care of him, afraid that I wouldn't be able to soothe him when he cries. So initially at home, everyone was fighting to take care of him at night, but now lolol!! Most of the time I will take care for as long as I can at night, until I get too drowsy, then I will pass him to my maid. (Who is super awesome and handles Kaylen very well! Always my lifesaver when I desperately needed sleep.)

Now he is officially 3 months and 6 days old, weighing at 4.5kg! Which is a whooping 3kg gain from his initial birth weight.

He behaves really differently from how he was like when he was still in the hospital. In the hospital, every single time after milk, the nurses just needed to swaddle him, leave him in his bassinet and he will fall asleep on his own. BUT, as soon as he comes home, his pattern all come out already. Must be carried to sleep, must pat to sleep and must sometimes play music while patting him to sleep! As soon as he realise that he is placed back in his cot, he will immediately wake up and cry. -_-

For about half a month after he came back, what I did everyday was taking care of him, taking him out and meeting my mummy friends whenever we have the time to. We were like leading taitai lives lah, but not really taitais after all cause we take care of the baby 24/7, which is the toughest job ever okay!! Every single time I bring him out, I don't eat in peace, or sometimes I don't even get to eat at all because you lose all your appetite when he starts crying. So me and my friends help each other lor, sometimes babysit when we needed to eat hahaha.

This 'taitai' life was made possible because I receive monthly allowance from my hubby, which he slowly realise that it is probably not enough for me. After a long dispute and discussion, I decided to get back to work. And now comes the next problem:

MY BREASTFEEDING HOW?

I mentioned earlier that I needed to pump every 3 hours initially, but now that my supply has more or less regulated, I don't get engorged as often as before, so I could stretch up to 5 hours without pumping or sometimes 7 hours. People who are not breastfeeding would sometimes ask me why I needed to pump and why I couldn't just leave my boobs there. Let me tell you why! Firstly, breastfeeding mothers' breast are constantly producing milk, and imagine having accumulated 300 ml of milk in your breast, how heavy and how uncomfortable would it feel? If we don't pump out, where does this milk goes? And don't forget that the breast is still constantly producing milk, and there is just so much that your breast can hold.

Engorged breasts are not pleasant to feel and not pleasant to look at. Do you know how breastfeeding has made my breasts look? Yes it went from a cup A to cup D, but my left breast now has MANY purple veins that looks like spider webs, looks bruised, and I'm suffering from stretch marks because of the sudden increase in size. :( So nope, I would definitely prefer smaller breasts. That is not the worst part, the worst part is how my left breast is now sagging because I couldn't wear bra for the entire 3 months! So nope, the breasts are not as lovely as yall thought!

Now that I have gotten back to work, I will always have to notify the clients or my boss that I needs to pump at least once every six hours, so I pump once before work, and once during my break at work. There was once I didn't have enough time to clear all the milk during the fifteen minutes break, and I suffered from engorgement fever. :(

I spend at least 4-5 days a week now at work, which is why I try to spend more time with Kaylen when I can at home, and I seldom have the time to do anything else. School is starting in January and I will be even busier than usual, so I'm still thinking how I can cope and juggle with studies, baby and work at the same time. But I really don't wanna give up on working too because I know that no matter what, a woman has to have her own money, and cannot depend 100% on man. I myself believe that a woman has no say at home if I don't provide enough for myself. I don't want to be seen as a lazy stay home mum, so I rather get lesser rest, and juggle between work and baby now.

But sigh, nobody really understands the amount of sacrifice I have to make when I leave baby at home, and no one will really comprehend the feelings that I get unless they are a mother as well. Who would bear to leave their son at home when they are just three months old? When we know that they still need their mother to be around because they are only so young, and the bond is build before they turn 6 months old. Every single time I leave home for work, I always kiss Kaylen and tell him that I will see him again after work, and makes sure I always tell him that he must never forget that I'm his mummy.

Yes, I do understand that my in laws always tell me that they will help me with the baby, and ask me to go and work and study in peace. The thing is, Kaylen is my responsibility and I don't want to throw him to someone else when I know I can actually afford staying home for a few months more just to spend time with him. But like I said, no one will understand how a mother feels, and how I want to maintain this bond with the baby, so I have no choice but to continue my studies in January, and try to work as much as I can now.

Oh well, I have already started on working and enrolled myself for studies to commence in January, so it is pointless to talk about all that, but to try and spend as much time as I can with Kaylen while completing my degree and doing part-time.

Apart from all these upsetting, we finally celebrated Kaylen's first month in November! Which was a belated full month celebration since he was in the hospital when he was one month old.

My second family!

He is getting cuter and more adorable by day, and gaining more fats on his cheeks and thighs hehe.
FOR NOW, all these are the updates about my life that I can think of, I will probably blog about my weight loss when I have the time?



BUT FIRST OF ALL, SCREW THE PERSON WHO THINK I STARVED MYSELF SO THAT I COULD LOSE THE WEIGHT.

I DID NOT.