Grandma Van

I love my Grandma Van. I love my Grandpa Van too, but this post is about her. When I think back to my childhood, some of my fondest memories were time spent at Grandma Van's house. Because we lived two states away, time with her was special and sacred. When the time came to say good-bye I would pretend to be asleep so no one would see me crying. I remember her hugs, her smell, her laugh, her cooking, and her mannerisms so vividly. So many things about her make me wish she was still here. This is especially true around Christmas time, when the years seem to melt into one.

I wish that she could meet Tom because I know she would love him. I wish she could meet Savannah and Benjamin and Jacob because I know she would find joy in taking them in her arms and singing to them. She would teach Savannah how to make a baby swaddled in a handkerchief, and oh the time Savannah would have playing dress up with Grandma's jewelry!! She would make sure that Benjamin and Jacob had proper manners and respected their mother. And she would teach them all the rules of her favorite card games. The older I get, the more I want to hold on to her and keep her memory alive. She's the reason I planted rose bushes in my yard. She's the reason I love playing Skip Bo. She's the reason I bought Sunkist Fruit Gems yesterday while shopping at Ross. And she's the reason I will ask Santa to put a dolly in Savannah's stocking this year, because that's how Grandma Van did it. Somehow in doing these things I feel closer to her or like she's closer to me somehow. Now I truly know what people mean when they say that you live on in your posterity. And I feel like she would be happy knowing that she's living on in me.

MOM!!

You know, I prayed for many years to be a mom. Growing up, I never had any ambitious career aspirations, I just wanted to be a mom. When we were in the thick of our struggles with infertility, I would often tear up at the mere thought of a little person calling me mommy. Mom is such a beautiful word. It carries so much weight and meaning. On the flip side, when you are the only person in the home who responds to this name, it can be a little tiring. Let me give you some back story.

About a month or so ago I went into my bedroom to nurse Jacob on my bed. I was tired and before I realized, I had fallen asleep. About an hour later, I opened my eyes to the sound of a silent home. This was an unusual occurrence so I jumped out of bed. I couldn't believe I had slept so long. I began to call out for Benjamin and Savannah. This is when I noticed an unlocked and slightly ajar front door. The panic set in and my calmness turned into hysterics. I picked up the phone and called Tom. "The kids are gone! The kids are gone!" I sobbed. He got in his car and raced home. The once busy street filled with construction workers was now empty and eerily quiet. My mind immediately went to a dark place as I feared the worst had happened. Someone must have come to the door and when my kids opened it, they were kidnapped. I ran around screaming their names like a crazy person. My voice had a horrible desperation that got worse with each time I called out their names. It wasn't five minutes and an eternity later when I spotted my kids at the end of our long street their cheeks bright red from being out in the heat. Savannah's face was wet with tears. "We looked for you Mom, and couldn't find you!" she sobbed. I hugged them over and over and told them I would never leave them alone. I felt horrible. How scared they must have been!

Well, since that day, my kids have to know where I am every second of the day. This is especially true for Benjamin. I really can't blame him, but if I had a dime for how many times I hear, "Mom!! Where are you?" throughout the day, I would be a rich woman. It's even gotten to the point where I will be in the same room as Benjamin, he will walk away and two seconds later I hear, "Mom!! Where are you?"

I can only imagine how traumatic that day was for them. But how long will it take for them to realize that I would never leave them alone? I guess I'll keep answering to the name Mom for as long as it takes to reassure them. :-)

the great HAIR debate

So if you know me, you'll know that my hair has pretty much been every color there is. From black, to platinum blond to every shade in between, there isn't a color that I haven't tried. Well, besides the colors of the rainbow. I digress. About three years ago I decided to stick with a darker shade closer to my natural color. This was great because the upkeep was cheap and saved me from having those dark roots I would get while I was blond. And yet, I would frequently get asked, "what is your natural hair color?" To which I would reply, "It's close to this, just a little lighter." But seriously, I got asked this question ALL THE TIME. And most of my family was not a fan of the dark hair either. "It makes you look older," they would say. "It looks like you are wearing a wig." "I liked the blond Heidi better."

Well, after having Jacob and feeling old and tired I decided to put a little spring in my step and return to blond. Well, blonder at least. And after been dark for so long you would have thought that people would notice but no one did. I'm assuming it's because I spent more of my life as a blond than a brunette. But yesterday as I was on my way to have my mom touch up those dark roots, I got a comment from a person who will remain nameless. "Remember when you were brown for Ruby's blessing? You looked hot then." Okay, I thought to myself. Apparently I am not hot now. Which I knew, but still. Then as Grandma was painstakingly applying the color to my hair, Savannah -bless her heart - asked,"what color are you gonna be now?" To which I replied, "well, what color do you like Mommy to be?" To which she said, "Brown. I think you look gooder brown." Well hmmm...now my self esteem is really in the toilet.

So, for heaven's sake people! Which is it? Blond or brown? Please vote now.

she draws

and I love it.

Ha-ppy Halloween!!!

The kids

She was Dorothy. Why wouldn't she be?

He was the blue Wiggle, also known as Anthony Wiggle.

He's a monkey. In more ways than one.

Ruby was excited to have her own trick or treater to share candy with. Too bad he doesn't have any teeth.

The Adventures of Three

Five years ago when I had one child life was hard. She cried a lot in the first 9 months and I was pretty much a walking zombie. I would get so annoyed when people who had more than one child would say to me ,"You think one is hard? Try having two!" My world revolved around this little person. It was all about her. Then I had another one. Having two children took a little adjusting to, but some of the time I would get a break when both kids were taking naps. But the nap taking phase didn't last long. And still I would get so annoyed when people who had more than two children would say,"You think two is hard? Try having three! Three will rock your world!" I shrugged those comments off thinking that three was just one more than two and couldn't possibly be that hard, right?

Well, the third one came along. All smiles and coos as sweet as can be. I was determined to prove all those people in the "3 or more club" wrong. I could handle this! Well, now I'm here to tell you. With three children you don't get a break. With three children at almost any given moment some little person is gonna be wanting something from you. With three children, the only time everyone is asleep is at nighttime and that is even rare because you're still getting up with the other two as well as the baby for nighttime comforting, potty emergencies, bad dreams, etc. With three children there is more fighting to breakup, more whining to listen to, and more noise in general. It's true, three kids is rocking my world. But I gotta tell you that the thought of having any less just wouldn't be right.

School Pictures (Savannah, Kindergarten)

Savannah came home today with her school pictures. I know some moms who don't like to spend money on a picture they have never seen, but it's a tradition right? You gotta do it. When she showed her picture to me, I was proud. Like I had something to do with it, right?! Maybe it's because she's so cute, or maybe it's because my own Kindergarten picture looked like this:

I look completely terrified. Thankfully my memories of Kindergarten don't reflect my emotion in the picture. Maybe I just didn't like pictures? Anyway, it was fun to compare. A+ for you, Savannah!!

2010 family pictures

So here is the 2010 addition of the Thackeray family pictures. I think Tom and the kids look wonderful. Like really great. Me on the other hand? Not so much. It must be the 5 month post partum self esteem talking. But as long as the majority looks presentable then that's all that counts, right?

birthdays, milestones, southern cooking

The big moment. He didn't LOVE his oats, but he did love the apple that Holly let him lick.

The "birthday girl" Love you, Senja!!!

Dumping out the food. On second thought, maybe the words "dump" and "food" should not be combined in the same sentence, no?

Jane was less than impressed

Yesterday was a big day. Jacob turned six months so we introduced solid foods to him, Senja turned the big 1 - 4, and to celebrate we decided that a low country shrimp boil was in order. There were mixed reviews as to whether or not it was necessary for us to immerse ourselves in the tradition of eating the food on newspaper. But, in the end even the skeptics were converted. I don't remember the last time our entire family stayed at the table to chat after we were done eating. Of course, most of the conversation was about food. What else would we talk about? Thank you Haye's family for the inspiration. I guess we'll let Mindy stay in South Carolina afterall. *sigh*

stories

Tonight after I did some nighttime reading with Savannah she asked me to lay with her for awhile. Now, I have to admit that lately when the night falls I am ready to be done with all mothering duties. Most of the time I will tell her that her dad will come in and snuggle with her for a bit. But tonight I felt like staying and so I did.

One of Savannah's favorite things to do is to tell stories. She likes the made up kind of stories but she's especially intrigued with hearing stories that have actually happened. She also likes to share stories of memories that she has. After we exchanged a couple of stories I told her how much I loved her and how grateful I was that Heavenly Father sent her to me. This is where our conversation got interesting. Savannah asked me in so many words, who was here before we all came to earth. I knew exactly what she was getting at because that's how I thought as a little girl. So I told her about Adam and Eve and fast forwarded to how our family came to be. Then she said,

"So, I came first, then Benjamin, then Jacob."
"Yes," I replied.
"So we have three." (Family size is something that she has taken a particular interest in).
"Yes," I said again.
"Well, how come the Inkleys have five?" She has asked this question before and in the past I have told her that it's because Heavenly Father just blessed us with three kids. Tonight, something else came into my mind.
"Well Savannah, your daddy and I tried for many years to get pregnant with you."
"You did?" she asked.
"Yep, we tried for six whole years." She gasped a little and then said,
"Wow. Were you sad all those years that you didn't have a baby?" I paused a second to compose myself.
"Yes, I was. And we were so happy when we found out that I was going to have you."
"Did you cry?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Are you crying now?"
"Yes, but they are happy tears." And then she said,
"I love you, Mom and I can never stop loving you and hugging you."

I was amazed. To be honest, I didn't think that a five year old was capable of understanding that someone would be sad if they didn't have a baby. And to have the very person who we prayed so long to have ask me if I was sad while we waited for her felt like everything came full circle. To tell you the truth, it felt like she was much older than five. I'm sure she didn't know what she was doing, but she filled my cup tonight. And I needed it.

legs

Seriously?

Are YOU my mother?

I always wanted a baby girl who looked like me. Well, at least bared some resemblance to me. After all, I did most of the work. Well, we all know who Savannah looks like. She's a female version of Tom, but much more beautiful. There was a time when I thought Benjamin looked more like me than Tom, but now he's starting to resemble Tom as well. And it's crazy because I don't think Benjamin or Savannah look like each other, but somehow Tom got the trump on their gene pool. Now, I got my last chance to have a child who looks like I could actually be his mother. And I gotta say, that of all my children I think Jacob looks the most like a Van Wagenen. He's looks like me, but the improved version of me. And even though he's not the little girl I envisioned, he's definitely making me feel like I made a contribution. Thank you, son.

progress

Things between me and Benj are getting better. I think. Since he is not a natural giver of affection I have decided I have to be the one to initiate. In the past he would usually try to squirm away when I hugged or kissed him but last week he swatted at me. I countered with a sad, sad, face complete with a pouty mouth and puppy dog eyes. He laughed and jumped in for a hug. Then it became a game. The swat, the sad face, then the hug. Over and over.

Well yesterday while Savannah was at school, I picked Benjamin up and began to love on him. To my surprise, he didn't resist my loving. In fact, he let me hold on for quite awhile. Then, he brought his hand back to swat at me. And again, to my surprise I was met with a gentle pat instead of being hit. Of course I knew that this was his way of starting our little game but with a little more softness. Then, last night came the real shock. Benjamin actually initiated a hug. I could not believe it. I was so surprised and I realized that it had been a really long time since that had happened. See, as a mother, your payback for all of the hard work you do doesn't come in the form of money. It comes in sweet love notes and drawings, offers to help out with dinner, happy laughter when your kids are getting along, a "please" without having to be reminded, and hugs and kisses. That's probably the most gratifying. The one that warms your heart and soul the most. Those hugs and kisses. I didn't realize how much I was missing those hugs from Benj until he gave me one all on his own. And it was heavenly. Thank you, Benj.

Savannah's Art Sept.'10

As I've mentioned before, Savannah loves to draw and create. Yesterday she drew a picture of me and her (picture on the left) and just so Tom wouldn't feel left out, she drew a picture of her and him. Goodness, she's great.

I've joined the ranks

Today as I was driving Savannah to school I had a realization. See to me, Kindergarten isn't that much different than preschool. Savannah's gone for a few hours just like preschool but instead of going to school two days a week, she goes five days. But as I was driving into the carpool lane and looking into the "Mom mobiles" in front of me and behind me I felt a sense of solidarity. That school Mom solidarity. Some moms looked like they had just rolled out of bed, while others were walking their kids to school dressed to the hilt with full makeup and jewelry. You can guess which category I fell into. On many levels I feel too young to have a child in school. Those other moms looked so old. Or maybe just tired. Either way I've joined the ranks. I'm a school mom now and there's no looking back.

Kelly take II

Remember my first Kelly Clarkson concert? Well, I got extremely lucky and my brother Scotty hooked me up and I got to see her again!!! I basically got to stand front row and it was awesome!! Although I realize yet again how old I am because it was almost too loud for me. I should have worn ear plugs. I'm also getting to the point if I go to any concert that I want the option of sitting down. Ya, I'm old. It was still so much fun and for a second I felt like I was 17 again. Until my back started aching from jumping up and down. Ha ha. And if you are wondering if that's really Kelly Clarkson making a strange face with her mouth wide open in that first picture. Yup, it is.

Where Were You?

I was living with my In-laws. I had the t.v. on but was dozing in and out on the couch. I woke up to the sound of Katie Couric's voice speculating about it being an accident. And a few moments later I watched as the second plane flew into the second tower. I was horrified. Completely in shock. I called my mom and told her to turn on the t.v. I was pacing back on forth with restless energy when I realized I had to catch the bus to the University of Utah where I was a student at the time. When I got on the bus there was an eerie silence and people whispering amongst themselves. Then I heard a guy talking about the possibility of more planes hitting more targets and one heading to the White House. When we arrived on campus I ran to the student center because I knew there would be coverage on the big screen t.v. there. Dozens of students gathered around the room watching as the events unfolded. I couldn't believe how quiet it was for the number of people in the room. I watched in horror until the towers began to fall. This photo was taken of me by a student reporter as I sat frozen witnessing the worst thing that had happened in my lifetime. I still can't talk about that day and what happened without feeling like my heart is breaking in my chest.

I told them to play with the box...

and they did. What obediant children I have.

summer cabins

There's just something about spending time at cabins in the summer. A few weeks ago we went to Bill Burgi's (April's daddy) cabin, and a few days later went on a spontaneous overnight trip to the Inkley's cabin. There's something about being in nature that makes you want to:


Pose for pictures...

show some leg...

snuggle with babies...

chill on the computer...

and make ridiculous faces. however, I don't think Senja could look ridiculous if she tried!! The rest of us? Well, let's just say some hidden and not so hidden talents were discovered on this day. A day that will live in infamy....

Here are a couple of snapsnots from the Inkley's cabin. Just as fun. Not as ugly.

toes

Jacob boy has discovered his toes. This makes him very happy. :)