Okay, I'm having a panic attack.

Home is wherever I'm with you.

I could write a lengthy piece about

how Singapore is my home,
through thick and thin,

good and bad etc,

how it has shown me only peace and harmony

over the years and how
I just want to grow up and serve it

and its people, my people,

to the best of my abilities,

and grow old

and die happily,

but no, there's more than that,

and I'm taking on a slightly

different spiel.

I oppose some things the government does,

as would any right thinking Singaporean,

one who wants the right things, better things.
I don't fit in, I don't wear the right things,

and I will always be the quasi-outsider,

but I've got my friends.
I love them so much

and all I can think about when

I think about Singapore and home

is all the days and nights

we've spent together,

recently more semi-drunk than not,

all the teh pengs,

all the cab and train and bus rides,

all the walking and laughing and screaming,

all the goddamn l4d games,

all the girls and boys we've kissed and

times we've cried.

That is what I'm grateful for.
I miss my island,

and I miss you guys.

Happy National Day everyone.
*

I'm ERUPTING you guys.

I don't have a god

I hate that it's summer here and I have to

wear shorts, t-shirts and flip flops every day.

I mean, it's ALL GOOD AND WELL

seeing that we don't ever go anywhere.

I just want to put my long socks on and wear my

furry leopard print vans, before it starts raining/snowing everyday.

SO WHY DID I CHOOSE BOSTON, EVERRY ONE,

WHEN I COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE IN THE OC

AKA FUCKING BEAUTIFUL WEATHER + DAMN CLOSE PROXIMITY

TO BOYFRIEND?

Let's hope everything's worth it.

Mark Pichay Soon!

No Cars Go

It's always too late, I'm always awake.

I miss home and my landmarks
and the way I had a place that I belonged,

no matter how ill-fitting or insignificant it was.

I no longer feel like my own person,
I don't speak enough because I don't like
empty words and because I miss

the people who speak my language.

Will you always be so far away?

Looking for drugs in all the wrong places.

I wanted to walk home but then I didn't, and as the cab went past where you were I put my fingers to the window, that was my goodbye and I was going to leave it at that.
But of course you finally texted a reply when I got home, and within the hour I was out on my street corner meeting you and inviting you up.
I mean nothing by it nothing nothing nothing I thought as the words came out slowly, nervous in the lift, as we lay side by side in my bed and then oh I thought, when you turned and leaned to press your lips on mine, oh this. Like it was supposed to happen. Like it hadn't been three years, much too long. It was bound to happen, always building away under the surface, so here we were and it was all wrong.
This is goodbye, I kissed you, this is goodbye.

Hey Joy

I suddenly had the compulsion to read your blog, which I keep forgetting that you still write in.
I think we're one of the few people still using the same URLs.
I agree we don't meet as much, or talk as much as we used to and it kind of sucks that I'm leaving too so there's not much time to right this wrong.
You're going to go away soon too right?
There's so much happening... it really is scary.

I started reading your letters to people and was pretty surprised to see one for me there.
I think I've been so caught up in everyday-nothings and worrying about not having time and practically just let most of my friends drift to the background.

I'm really glad we're still friends after so long.
And YES, Christmas cards every year, or even cards whenever.
I'll see you again before I go.
Take care.
Love, Tai

I Can Never Go Home Anymore.

I honestly don't feel anything about graduating.

I wasn't even going to post anything on it,
no heartfelt essay about the times I had the past three years,
the friends I made, the stuff I did,
the things I'll miss.

It felt so transitionary, and somehow
it didn't ever become my life you know?

I wasn't invested.

I was mostly disappointed
and then, apathetic, and this turned into
dissociation from most of the people
I had to interact with daily.

In the context of school, mind you, not my whole life.

Somehow, school stayed school

and Real Life stayed Real Life.

I had friends at NP (this number has dwindled considerably,

but now sits at a nice, strong two

haha - do I have to name fingers and point names)

but they don't just remain my "poly friends",

I mean, that concept is so odd to me.

They're my Real Friends and I love them,

and I hope it remains this way always.

I'm leaving in about a month,

to College in America where I will have

New Exciting Experiences but the thought

rather depresses me right now, truthfully.

But not because I miss poly, dear god.

The next four weeks are going to go by in a stupid blur,

I'm fucking scared,

it's hardly enough time to do anything.

Bogus or excellent?

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

I am trying very hard to be here.

I love you, forever.

I'll stop turning away.

Will we always hold hands easily?

Will you start calling me honey, not just when it slips out,

just like she calls me sweetie?

Will we only have one thing to talk about?

Will you miss me? I know I'll cry.

Will we ever be closer? Will we stay as close as we are?

I love you forever.

When will you tell me you need to be with me again,
even though you just drove away only thirty minutes ago?

When will it stop being so calm and start being crazy and
our nights punctuated with heady laughter and lingering kisses again?

When will we fall in love, again, again, again, again again again again.

When will you tell me that you're proud of me?

When will we stop having a hard time?

I will love you forever.

Movielike

Shows I want to watch:
Party Down, Lost, Freaks and Geeks, True Blood
Movies I want to watch:
Lolita, The Professional
Books I want to read:
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Stuff I need to do:
Scholarship applications

Driving lessons/test

leave.

Until we say "goodbye" and "I'll try to see you when the weather clears".

Seeing The Starting Line (and Kenny),
(once onstage, once at the airport).
Singing along to Best of Me, Leaving and
Greg's Last Day.

14 year old me, 19 year old me.
Forever.

A white blank page (a swelling rage?)

Our nights are spent at the bowling alley

or some dingy basement with shouting bengs.
Will any of this remain after July 5 2011?

Will you ever find a fourth player?
And fuck, will I ever find three?
*

I'm getting slightly sick of being halved.
You know that analogy about people
(I don't use the word couples, cups)
being two halves of a whole?
Yeah, so, imagine that.
Imagine my side aching and
me having the inability to do half of the things

that I could normally.

I can't let this impair my judgement.
I just need to keep my head.

Fuck.

Man, oh man, you're my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness, there ain't nothing that I need.

How do you get used to be being alone?

You get both of the earbuds, scroll through your own music,

eat dinner in front of the computer, cry for about 3 minutes

and then move on to something else,

without even having to explain.

I don't have to reiterate that this isn't easy.
I don't want to be the itch, don't want to feel it either.
Just hoping by some fucking miracle that we'd always

be this tight, not giving a crap about lack of sleep

messy hair, work, state lines,

expense, angry words,

being... alone all the time.

Just know that this lonely heart

across the globe

is missing yours.

Didn't mean to leave you all alone.

God, college better be worth it.

This year is scary.
But could also be potentially really, really rad.
Four Year Strong/Set Your Goals,
The Starting Line/New Found Glory,
Jimmy Eat World,
Warped?,

Graduating,

Moving to America,
New school.

Just want it to happen now.