"When we kiss it sounds like moop."

I want to sit and hold your hand and list every moment

that we've been happy.

Don't you remember? Of course you do.

I just want to...try. Anything.

I'm trying to pinpoint the very moment and I can't even

identify if it's been a slow slide or a tumble.

When did this start?

I don't mean to look accusatory.

I don't mean to expose my hurt all the time.

It's just that I was so sure that whatever happened, we'd be in it together.

Quiet nights and I wonder if it even happened.

Don't leave me.

And one more thing:

Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck just fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck you damn you fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Lessons Learned.

I think I was pretending right along with you,

or afraid, that you'd suddenly

acknowledge the truth in the statement just as easily as

you vehemently denied it all, and wrote it off as my

low self-esteem and insecurities.

And now you say it was only just because of the way

I acted, that you couldn't tell me.

I thought I was acting cool about it.

Honestly, didn't you hear the way I giggled when

you dropped a cute anecdote

or recalled a memory?

I forced myself to ask for details,

and said "oh, really? That's cool" a lot .

But I guess you can read me too, just as I could you read it

in your eyes, in your frustration,

in your uneasy, lost expressions when you thought I wasn't looking.

(I was always looking, especially when the lights were off.)

I'll make this plain and simple,

I really thought it was already.

I recall that the phrase is

"actions speak louder than words"

but I guess sometimes

a shake and a shout are the ones that will

fucking resonate and echo -

I love you.

Okay? I love you.

So of course I knew all along.

I tell you now that I didn't know what it was,

but I was just closing my eyes to mirror yours.

The only difference between us was that I didn't close my heart

along with it.

I thought you were happy.

I knew that there was shit we were going through,

stupid fights, nights where I cried and you yelled 'fuck' at me

for ten whole minutes.

Hey, I signed up for the good and the bad.

I didn't think everything was always going to be

some fucking awesome daydream.

I got through the bad days and woke up loving you just as much.

But you told her otherwise.

That everything had gone to shit,

and you both sat there, wondering why you and I were still we.

Why you and her were no longer together.

You brushed aside everything that I had carefully built with you

and concluded that it was love - you concluded that you still loved her.

You said the worst lines, the very worst ones.

Honestly, you can be so fucking stupid (or just callous).

But you were crying, and I suppose that meant something.

And as you waver and bend and question,

I'll be waiting.

I just hope that when you turn up with an answer,

a new answer, an unchanged answer,

a real answer,

I would see it in your eyes as well.

I know you so well.

This was dated 13 April and I was afraid to post it.

I'll just do it now.

A parallel universe and one of my greatest fears:

"I have loved you completely.

So how dare you make me believe that there would be a future,

when that future is just as uncertain as your heart.

I see you looking at me in disbelief sometimes,

usually when I'm crying or 'being difficult' and my heart just breaks

cause I see you sizing me up, comparing me,

and of course it doesn't measure up,

I'm not going to fit in that _-sized hole.

I'm not even going to fucking try.

Of course, that may not be what you want but

don't tell me you've never found yourself in a situation with me

where you didn't wish, even subconsciously,

that I was her, or it was all different."

Settle baby, you are not the sun.

I love and I lose.

I am forced to bear the greatest humiliations and heartbreak.

And I will fucking stare you down.

Fucking quit it. You've had millions of chances.