Make this count.

"You are a lazy, self-indulgent, little girl, who is making herself crazy."

I feel like Girl, Interrupted has given me a lot to think about.

I'm on Say Anything now.

I am incredibly scared but intensely hopeful.

You'll be gone a long time.

It will be anything but easy.

But I will find my way to you.

Lloyd: One question, are you here cause you need someone

or cause you need me? Forget it, I don't care.

Diane: I need you.

I will be your hero & your whore.

I'm feeling mega gross now guys,

I've got a sore throat, blocked nose, blocked up ears

and am so bloated.

It's not fun at all.

*

What I don't get is how I could be so happy,

so fucking ridiculous and happy about it,

and then the next minute you're angry,

I'm upset,

you're leaving,

I'm running down the street crying.

I really don't understand.

*

This strangeness aside,

there are days when you come through for me,

I come through for myself,

it's beautiful beautiful beautiful,

I can see this going on forever.

*

I think it's just cause you're leaving

and I want to do everything with you

but I'm not the only one

and I also have to do time-wasting things like,

you know, school work.

*

Really.

Forever.

Fake Palindromes.

Was trying not to panic a few days ago.

Not doing so currently,

but I'll just put this out there

for when it happens again soon.

It's three a.m,

I'm playing Second Life with Mark.

It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.

About four weeks till term/christmas break.

Seven weeks till Mark leaves for California.

I want to be lame and quit my life now,

and commence fusion to my bed.

Losing that little bit of motivation I had

when the semester began.

Taking notice of 11:11 wishes again.

Can't fucking force myself forward some days.

I look at my life and think, god, it's going on... forever.

Then I think [I hope you don't think me silly/presumptuous]

of the short amount of time I'll have you for,

like fifty, sixty years?

God, that's devastatingly little.

Never give up,

never surrender!

I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge.

Snixtyx at Home klubb hipster haven holaaa.

It was funny watching the hxckids there for the

previous band waiting patiently for

a breakdown [they actually asked Mark & Lawrs

before they started playing if there

were "any breakdowns at all? Small one?"]

so they could 2-step for ten seconds.

It's weird, the previous time I saw them play

was last year, before I ever knew any of them.

I think you'll find the pictures in the archives,

it was August and I had purple hair.

*

I'm kind of curious as to who reads this space.

What kind of person reads

Stay on My Side Tonight/I Want Your Lungs to Stop Working Without me?

Tell me about yourself.

Leave me a love note on the tagboard.

What do you eat for breakfast? What are your dreams?

Tell me your life story.

Also tell me if you even understand what I go on about here.

Not many people do.

Not many people care.

I like it that way,

but maybe you, somewhere out there, can relate.

Nothing Came Out.

Two days of Amanda Fucking Palmer,

it was so surreal and very very fun.

It was a little hard to adjust back to Real Life

the next day.

I'm trying so hard not to get swamped by

all these deadlines,

trying to remain unfazed by the idea of

being a slave to some company for a

whole school semester,

gritting my teeth for that stupid grade.

All the while missing Mark when he goes off to

school and Fun Possibilities.

"Ugh I'm studying just so I can get into college

and study some more."

"I'm going to college so I can get a job

and work for the rest of my life."

As long as I have you,

all this shit can't be that bad.

Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

Pull yourself up off the floor.

Life is hard but you have responsibility to yourself

to live and do and be.

To find that meaning.

Last night I was ready to decide that there wasn't any.

I forgot my defiance and sometimes I lose my way,

but damn it all, I will figure out my shit.

I will find my self.

*

The way it goes.

Remember almost four years ago?

We were all so fucking obnoxious and loud,

the weirdoes, mismatched and broken.

We were falling in love, we were angry,

we were scared, we were hopeful.

I don't want to go back, but some nights like this night,

[and last night, for a bit with Clara]

I like to revisit being 14 and on the edge of something.

I don't know what it was still,

but it was something crazy.

The beginning of growing up?

I thought I was so ready to take on the world.

I like to think there's still that other me,

existing there in the past.

I love all of you, then and now. 

You'll never know but

Most nights, when we're tucked up in your sheets

and you're asleep,

I lie awake and miss you.

I'm in your arms,

you're mumbling in your sleep,

and when my mind finally gives in,

it's time to go home,

sleep alone.

We'll meet on the interweb or in person

or on some other astral plane,

and you'd kiss me goodnight,

tell me not to worry.

"I'm still here."

*

Heehee.

Hope dies last.

Seeing my best friend turn eighteen was fun.

We may not have done the usual coming-of-age things

that kids usually do, like

hitting the clubz and getting so shit-faced

we could barely stand,

but then again, we aren't like most kids.

I am the last of my friends to cease being Seventeen Forever,

so on friday it's either going to be

tram rides at the Night Safari or ice skating

or maybe even just dinner and interpretive dance

in the middle of the street,

since Bouncy Castles have proven to be

only for bratty seven year olds with rich doting parents.

I am disappointed but I am going to move on.

That's what adults do.

[Oh boo]

Mark surprised me with tickets to No Doubt.

We were a sweaty happy mess,

sloshing other people's water around,

rolling on fake grass.

*

Some days are a bitch to get through

but we'll do this together.