The god of wine comes crashing through the headlights of a car.

Hello Friends.

I have been down & I blame him for the most part

and for reasons unknown.

[This would only be understood by the people

who have been Facebook-ing with me haha.

It's a riot, ask me about it.]

I have rad friends though.

I stand and stare at the car crash,

they lend me their laps and

hold my hand and

proclaim their love for me through signs.

This love is serious.

Flopping around my house, watching

A Walk to Remember & randomly

bursting into song [Mandy Moore 4 Lyfe ya'll]

with Va & CelCel was fun.

I'd stop if it wasn't so funny.

That's when I knew, that I could never have you.

You smile and say the world, it doesn't fit with you

I don't believe you, you're so serene

Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt

You're guiltless and free

I hope you take a piece of me with you

You were a mystery, and when you chose me,

it was like a whole different world had opened

its doors to me.

I was young and eager to please.

You made me so happy.

And there's things I'd like to do

that you don't believe in

I would like to build something,

but you'll never see it happen

I never voiced the problems I had with you

cause the way I saw it, all these

things were small and insignificant.

The main point was that I... loved you.

I did.

You couldn't stand a lot of things I did.

I struggled with this fact.

Taste the salt and taste the pain

I'm not thinking of you again

You never seemed to tire of me, in person,

but when you were away it was suddenly like

I didn't exist.

It was so easy to forget, a mere blip

in your list of those wanting, willing.

And this is the last time we'll be friends again

And I'll get over you,

you'll wonder who I am

Fuck, why do I give in so easily?

I can't be hard-hearted when it's about you.

I make excuses for you, and I brush the truth to

the back of my mind.

I don't know if I can go on like this,

so perhaps I won't.

And there's this burning, like there's always been

I've never been so alone and I've

Never been so alive

Maybe I'm better off now.

And I'll get an actual shot at being happy.

*

How many times have I written different versions of this?

Do you have to let it linger?

Today was bleak because I went to the

SPCA with Nat and Eva,

but Toto had already been adopted.

I hope that he went to a good home.

Then I saw Boston and fell in love,

but he is six and big and furry,

and this means no no no ):

I sat there and patted him and

he licked my face

and I cried, which I am

wont to do at the drop

of a hat these days.

I also threw my phone on the floor

and it bounced into the drain.

The battery got separated from it

and was lost to oblivion.

Nat kindly crawled into the longkang

and retrieved it, love you nong nong time.

So it was a very bleak few hours

until I spent $38 on a new battery

and found everything still in working condition.

Thank the FSM.

Hung out at PS with Bry, Eva & Nat,

and Orange flavoured Hooch,

seriously how much fail can we take?

Everyone went their separate ways

and Bry sent me home.

"I'm suddenly infinitely happier cause

I decided that he's lost all taste."

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO SAY."

Lip piercing y'all.

Simpang Bedok with the NP crew,

champion number game which I sat out of

cause my stud kept getting caught in my teeth

when I laughed.

12 brought me home,

and I am feeling so much better.

Soon I'll stop the ambulance chasing,

and get on with My New Life,

as Clara calls it.

No more douchebags, please thankyert.

With no velocity and empty-headed, hard and far too long.

Bleak pictures with bleak girls.

New York New York has never

seen so much fail in one corner,

we shouted 'BLEAK' and 'FAIL'

in every sentence.

The face haha the face, do you know

where it's from?

I'm going to the SPCA in the afternoon

to try to adopt Toto, if he's still there.

Cross your fingers and toes for me

that he is.

Clara: I know, the coy face right?

Eva: I know how, I know!

*makes some weird face, and does

kelp hand movements*

Tai: Va, coy doesn't mean a fish you know.

God of Wine and My Favorite Accident all day.

Searching for something I could never give you. [Day One.]

Good Luck, & Good Night.

Delete, delete and delete. Exhale.

Let's do it properly this time.

I avoided Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band at all costs,

but even California by Copeland was just as difficult.

So sleep eluded me most of the night.

I need new music.

I took down the picture that has been tacked to my board

for two and a half years, and tucked it away.

I glared at my mirror.

Bared my teeth.

Warrior. Strong.

A Venti Vanilla Latte & Cab to school,

I never want to repeat this feeling.

I just walked out on a class,

I never want to do that again.

I have been such a wreck.

Oh and what I said still stands.

I got it, and I'm going to change.

A sadness I can't erase, all alone on your face.

I can't promise I'll be able to keep it all together.

Failure's Not Flattering.

Yesterday started off bad but then it got progressively

better when Sylvia & I discovered that we were

both at the Starbucks at The Cathay,

which resulted in very loud "WHAT THE FUCK"s

and me running down the stairs to her table,

brandishing my Grande Vanilla Latte.

Then I watched The House Bunny with Nat,

which was mindless & fun,

and after that he talked sense into my head,

which I needed.

Spasming at Heartland Mall with Clara & Eva, & Nat in tow

ended with flopping in the Korner outside Popular.

I get it now.

I've been ripping up the floorboards.

I've been waiting for-fucking-ever.

Too awkward, my sadness catches you and

propels you backwards, away from me.

I can't even look you in the eye.

Then when I do, you're fumbling,

looking away.

I hesitate, and say a stilted 'bye'

and pivot on my foot and

walk away.

Across the road as quick as possible

without breaking into a run, I stop

to talk to someone, head down, heart down.

You breeze past, laughing, talking and walking fast.

You hurt me, I hope that isn't your intention.

But it's what happens.

I'm waiting.

How many friday nights, weekends?

How many odd hours of the morning?

How many girls, under bright lights, eyes wide,

mouthing the words "God, no",

and my heart always sinking, arms shrinking to my sides?

I want to scream 'get away' and remain huddled in bed,

but then the next second I'm clutching weakly at people's sleeves,

asking them about their plans

for the next day.

I'm a weak mess and I hate it.

I slid into painfully slow afternoons and

nights achingly dragged out.

I was convinced it wouldn't end.

I woke up to life one day, it didn't need me as

much as I needed it still.

I shook out my hair and dignity and

became somewhat like myself again.

It was difficult, but it had to be done.

And god, I easily and willingly threw

myself back into this mess.

I'm waiting.

Still.

I just need reassurance.

I love this record baby, but I can't see straight anymore.

When I grow up, I want to be Lady GaGa.

*

I have a pile of used tissues on my bedside table

and the curtains are drawn

and I am rendered incapable of doing anything

of worth because of my runny nose & sore throat.

Listening to dance music and seeing little flashes

of light from behind my eyelids.

I'm still getting used to the fishbowl.

I don't know if I like it.

It makes me feel like I need to get my

bellybutton pierced for some reason.

*

We travel in different circles,

and I know you don't need me.

Suck that lucky feeling right out of me.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, year after year.

*

Clara: You don't want! YOU DON'T WANT!!!

But I can't just give up like that.

I'll probably be saying this forever.

I know it's self-destructive.

So... why?

*

Arlow this is my friend Nat.

Kthnxbai.

I'm too tired, and not even because of the time.

I'm always tired.

I'll say it straight & plain.

Stop failing me.

God this is mad I made RY & Sylvia

punch me in the arm today,

fuck but now I think one in the face

would have been preferable.

"I do little else."

When you're in one of your self-depreciating moods,

and thank me for thinking of you,

I always want to say that

but it won't come off as light and jokey

as I'd want it to.

Eyeliner & a famous designer brand.

This is nauseating.

This is rad.

Only three bucks & a little DIY, I couldn't

believe my luck.

Clutching.

Out of hand.

Stop, regroup, and speak coherently.

Sleep would be a wise choice right now.

This penchant for turning every small thing into

a fucking dramatized little episode isn't healthy, I think.

It's tiring trying to explain how my mind works to people.

So talk. That's all there is to it, right?

I met a girl who kept tattoos for homes that she had loved.

Again, pictures from a different ageee.

Hello remember stolen bubbles,

Our Bishan table?

Remember Night Picnic at the Esplanade

under the huge tents, and screaming about

chicken butts?

Remember Muse shirt & the shizz that happened?

Remember Youth Gone Wild, Baybeats, Teachers' Day hahaha?

Remember Lime Flea?

Remember American Brownies at Billy Bombers?

Remember "Arlow where are you, I at Wake Me Up,

You at Mynerz?"

Remember Roxygirl & Emokidz and how

that never lasted?

Remember never being sensible?

[Except NSN haha]

Maybe growing up is ruining all this.

Do you think being silly would

have gotten old?

Maybe moving on past the idon'tknows&hair

has done me good.

We got older but we're still young

and I like to remind myself

that it's too early to

feel worn and frayed around the edges

cause we are still ridiculouz & pimpin'.

Since feeling is first.

Morning light, and slow motion.

Reveling in your attention.

You are every song I have listened to on repeat.

Every poem I have quoted lines from.

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

"Teen drinking... is very bad."

If there's one phrase I don't want to hear for a very long time...

it'll be 'Sausage Mayhem'.

I should have worn my 'Wasted' shirt, because it pretty much

sums up everyone's... VERY inebriated state.

I mean, what's a party with the MassCommerz & The Girls

without some drunken crying-on-the-floor,

puking-in-the-toilet, drama all around?

We could do without it [especially the puking bit,

not good for my up-chuck reflex either but thank god

I kept everything down],

but it was still fun I guess haha.

Love love The Kids much,

I'm sorry you guys couldn't stay ):

And love to the girlz and Danny

and Foo Fighters Boy too.

Disaster Area the next morning.

Danny, Vanns & I sat around in our shades

and were like "Mannnn..."

And Danny had an encore of his Keira Knightley moment.

"No Danny...NO DANNY NO PLEASE. CHEEBYE

MOTHERFUCKER DANNY AHHHHHH..."

Fucking hilarious.

Everyone piled into cabs to head home around 10

and Egan stuck around to help me clean up.

I was alone by 11.30, huddled under my red & blue blanket,

waiting for my Daddy to come take me home.

Haha if this was what it was like to turn Seventeen...

What the fuck is going to happen next year?

They'll take you, when you won't come back to me.

Thanks for the silly birthday song

in Jack's Place omggg.

You guys are so rad.

*

People are bailing on me left right and centre

for tonight.

WHY!!!