sic semper erat, et sic semper erit
thus it has always been, thus it shall always be

reality

As intoxicating as it sounds, this is the reality. I have learnt that growth is difficult, change is not easy but nothing else is more piteous than being stuck in somewhere you don't belong.

little do you know

One of the many nights yet again where I find myself going down with the truth of reality and hate myself for being such a downer. It's like I don't even know how to be me anymore. The carefree and happy friend I always was, I no longer am, and it hurts to know nothing I do seems to be helping me get out of this pit of sorrow.

All I can think of is you. I scroll through our old texts when I'm alone, looking at evidence it was all real and not just a dream because it feels like everything I've known to be was a fucking illusion. How am I here, 2 years later, still dwelling on memories of us, when you've changed partners twice already? How do you just go on living like I was never part of your life, like I never gave you my undivided love and concern, like I never fixed you? How do you not see how much you matter to me?

How did you not realise how bad of a situation I'm in when we met, just last month? "what happened hanny, why did you change so much?" How could you choose to be so fucking oblivious when you obviously know me better than myself?

And I guess the worst part of it all is that I'm slowly giving up on myself, but it hurts so damn much. I want to be a better person, a better friend. I want to not have the undying urge of just talking to you, or about you whenever I'm out with my friends and just have a good time. I want to sleep at night and not have dreams of you. I want to be free.

I can see an impending closure that will only leave me with a bigger hole in my heart than before. I would very much rather bury my problems deep within myself than let them escape my thoughts. I don't want any attention on me. I don't want the limelight or centre stage. I don't want anybody to know of the things that echo between my ears. I wish I could let everything out and start again. It never hurt this bad before.

How far have you walked for men who've never held your feet in their laps? How often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short? Why do you find the unavailable so alluring? Where did it begin? What went wrong? And who made you feel so worthless? If they wanted you, wouldn't they have chosen you? All this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn't hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin? And what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it? How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful? Where did you learn this, to want what does not want you? Where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?

I know that all I am is a 20 year-old kid, I have no authority to speak on love, yet I have convinced myself that you are indeed the person I love. You are real and flawed and still the most fascinating person I’ve ever met. Life seems surreal when the less I look for you and try to let you go, the more my subconscious finds you. If anything, I know I love you because this is hard. After all this time, I am still trying to convince myself that this truly is what is best for both of us. I know this won’t have the amicable resolution I so desperately want. I know I love you because we can’t ever be “just friends” like I want. We may never speak again, but I will still pray for your happiness everyday. I know you are over this but I think I love you, still.

i’d rather be alone

but you’re fermented in my bones

//

it’s ripping me apart

Hbd, you

I still think of you every day.

I miss you

I want to tell you I miss you with no subtext. No guilt, no anger, no expectation that you’ll fix it. I don’t want you to feel bad or to tell me it will get better. This is where we are meant to be right now – me apart from you, my hands a little empty and my heart a little sad. I just miss you. I wanted you to know.

Hbd friends

I miss ya