now, now, pick your drinks wisely -

Friday, August 28, 2009

queer, guide the sheep

life, has changed so much within the past year of my life, i dont know where to start..
not like anyone follows anyway..
just that sometimes, what you have inside, needs to come out..
why?
because misery loves company.

well, here's something i know, i dont know whether im happy with myself.
life has come to a point such that, i want to go back in time, like build a time machine or what not.. when we were younger, we always thought growing up was cool, now, we-, i, am not wanting to grow up anymore.. i feel ive lost my childhood with the turn of an eye.
and i tell myself time and again, things happen for a reason..
i mean, do they?
then tell me the reason for the person i am now, why am i like that? why is everything like that?
dont you wish you could just wake up, to find yourself back where things didnt really matter? and all that mattered was just that one thing, just that..
but then again, who is to know? what happens if, the thing that actually mattered, didnt in time to come? would i still be where i am today?

i dont know, so i need an answer..
but, i dont know if i should get one
A man doesnt eat his omelet without breaking eggs

a short reminiscence of the pass:
- i was asking the room why you were crying
- no one knew and i was dying to know, maybe, i could help
- nothing happened, i said a hi
- i didnt talk to you on a whole trip where we sat on opposite seats, that was funny, now that i think about it..
- weeks went by, months, went by, i had the guts for everything, but i used it for nothing..
- something spilled from my mouth the other time, "whats the most important thing to you in life", they ask, and, there it went.. well, sigh, is it? was it?
- time rolled by not waiting for me as i recalled, and twist and turns forbid anything to happen..
was that, for a reason i wonder? what was that course my life took? is it, better?
- i became, or rather, now i knew, i became, a nuisance after a while, a burden..
- time flew, getting me into more holes i blindly walked into.. till a door shining so bright..
- would only to close because another door with seemingly greater rewards tempted me, well, temptation gets the best of everyone, only to lead everyone to a more miserable life..
- well, i blew it, everything that shone upon me i refused to claim..
- i tried to redeem myself, a couple of times as a matter of fact, coupons dont last forever see..
- my folly, and i continue, getting myself into door after door, hole after hole, till i found the right key, or so i think is the right key..
- is it? and so the old door i see is left ajar, either welcoming my presence or taunting me in for a greater kill, everything happens for a reason, and ive realized, sometimes, the reason doesnt necessarily have to be good.. in fact, more than half the time, it isnt..

Not all that shines is silver, not all that glitters is gold, not all hot irons are opportunites..

with this free time of mine, i lay back, enjoy, ponder, and calculated my losses, / wins.. and ask God for direction, because i fear i am lost, and have been for a long time, though i may seem to know the way.. well, life has changed, its no longer how it once was..
so queer, and, so different..

its raining now, what a way to dampen the mood..
may tomorrow be a shiny, brighter, glittery, and warmer day.. because it seems better to know the painful truth, than to be unknowningly lied to..

an apple a day, keeps the doctor away
2:41 AM

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

So, what's your drink like?

my drink's good, just that sometimes, im spoilt over what drink i should have..
because all drinks soothes different needs..
no matter, not quite important, but, i think the new apple scheme is cool!
whew, apples, something which i try my best to implement into my daily diet,
cos i might decide to skip lunch considering the improportionate-ness of my body, which nobody should say im skinny because im not really anywhere close to my ideal self-gratified look? =P
by the way, sorry for the long time i had taken to revive my blog, the great revival, which i termed a year ago had finally come, and why, because i felt that history sucked and i didnt feel like doing my work!
which i still did, because, as what everyone has been telling me, time's running out..
yeah, time is, my dad just spoke to me about it, how 3 months isnt quite enough for me to actually catch up with all my loss time, i agree with him..
i keep thinking of my grand plan, its more of a dream actually, where i get straight a's and everyone i know goes "wahhhhh", "xavier, whew", the exasperated faces of everyone, haha, but, just a dream, heh, straight b's are alr enough to let people go wow XD
because my results, ARE that bad..
today they had the career talk, and, im still not sure what i want in life, now i understand, that poly suits my lifestyle, but, thank goodness i didnt go because dictating my life too early into something like accountancy, wouldve prevented me from experiencing the 'arts' life..
i thought of, so far, accountancy, not my thing, but the money, sexy timezz =) haha..
for arts and social science, more of what i like, but, yeah, my lifestyle now doesnt quite accomadate to this? oh wells, law is out of grasp, because i cant get straight a's...
but im praying hard, that maybe, by some chance, i might try a double degree? though its super ambitious.. oh wells..
last resort thing: probably laselle? though laselle's pretty cool too..
hmmm, let my results do its talking now, i cant promise myself i'd study 24-7, and i can promise myself that, i will study hard, my target for a's:

Hist- C
Econs- A (B)
Lit- B (C)
Maths- B
Gp- A (B)
Pw- B (but already got a C)
CL- D (but already got an E)

UES- 78.75 ( 72.5)

quite a cool number eh? 78.75 i mean.. haha..

target for Prelims

Hist- E
Econs- C
Lit- D
Maths- D
Gp- C

UES- 58.75

not too bad, something which, everyone would wow about, heh..
i pray hard, and hope hard i could get these results, i'll be happy as can be, im sure everyone would be happy too =)

now, the other non academical aspect of life, ive been, so so?
life's good, but, it always can be better..
today, i heard that there are many things in life, go for the larger ones, because its more fulfilling =)
i'll elaborate on this sometime else, because i have my nyaa to do, which i haven started which will take like, a few hours? thankfully i have a day's extension!
ah, i'd better not procrastinate!

*im looking for inspiration, anyone have some?

Labels: inspiration

an apple a day, keeps the doctor away
9:59 PM

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Thursday, November 01, 2007

Empty, everywhere

Back here again, I pen my feelings, thoughts, and basically everything else I guess..
Since the last time I blogged, things have gotten better, but not completely over, as the problem can't seemed to be solved, sadly.. only problem solved, was how i was touched by an angel and promoted without sub paper! somehow, i do not feel quite as elated as i thought i wouldve been, it's, a weird feeling, cos something tells me, everything would be better, if i retained and had gone to a poly, but now, i'll just have to accept this..
because everything happens, for a reason..
i think i'll pass a level chinese though =) thats one down!
over these weeks,
A lot has happened,
I'll list them out!

1) my ps2 is spoilt =(
now what am I going to do these holidays?! zzz..
tried to send for service, cost, 100+
dad says to buy new one because its not economical.. now, where am i going to get the money for a new one? not to mention, i still need my ds chip!

2) I've gotten lazy!
no more school, means no more morning runs because, because, hmmm, ya, lazy =P
but i gym on tuesday!
and I'm swimming tomorrow =)
lucille and i have started, the living healthy programme! =) where you live healthy!
heh.. so far, er, hmmm, ya =) oh! i walked from bishan, to ang mo kio =D

3) my pw's screwed
to some extent, heh, serious stuff, but, not so serious person..
i haven't written my i and r =(
cos when work's concern, everything else suddenly becomes better =D

4) I'm broke! YES! BROKE! and fat! YES! FAT!
last tuesday- pastamania, baked rice= sinful= less money
last friday- pizza hut, 5 pizzas because the girls ate like one only per person! zzz.. = sinful= more money gone
last friday night- western food, parents pay, but so what? still= sinful..
last sunday- new york new york, mother's birthday thing, baked rice= sinful again!
yesterday- gymz! but ate frice rice after.. zzz.., oh, and bought mother's birthday gift= hole in pocket
today- ripped off by starbucks =P paid 7.40 for weird drink.. and, buffet dinner for mother's birthday, i ate- 1 pork chop, 1 fish dory, 10 prawns, a bowl of rice, 1 piece of small spring chicken, quite a huge amount of lobster, a bowl of laksa, 2 piecess of garlic bread, and a bowl of ice cream! = ultimate!

so, good, im broke, and fat!
i, hopefully, might want to go and work soon! =)
to make ends meet.. heh..

5) Back to the emo club!
because i belong there..
and its all empty..

and once again, i think of all the stuff of the past, the last time, and everything..
i know i was wrong, i know i was slow,
i didnt take the necessary actions,
i didnt do what was right,
and you just slipped away, thought you didnt really want to..
you had to, for i became a slight unknowing burden, because i was in oblivion, thinking all i did was right, apparently, it wasnt..
its been some times now, and i know ive already lost the chances..
but just so you know, its still in me, and, i wish time could turn..

now for a slight detour,
some random idea, i've been thinking throughtout the whole day..
so, i guess, ive just got to put it down..
this is the first time im putting images on my blog..

(updated soon...)

an apple a day, keeps the doctor away
2:46 AM

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Friday, October 05, 2007

Directional Change- Goodbye, Halcyon Days, I hope I see you soon

*updated

"where's the remedy, janice?"
"there's no cure, for its no diesease"

its been a while,
before I go on, my blog's going formal,
at least, more formal than before..
probably because of my self these days..
its going to be a whole list of emo stuff which you would not really want to concern yourself with, but, yeah, read if you want..
lets start off from today; and just when I thought my mind would be set, I'll be psyched when my promo's end,
enjoying; celebrating; so on so fourth..
I was lying to myself, to some extent..
how'd I expect things to just fall into place like that?
I was hopeful, too hopeful..
now's not the time to think about these stuff I guess, but thats just all I'm limited to..
the fact that I screwed up promo's make matters much much worse..
but, like I said, what am I to do?
the fears, accumulating, and all that's coming true,
is that, I screwed my own life up, as what i always said to someone.. I'm basically overlooking, what i should not see,
and I'm thinking too much, this mental deficit kills, kills me slowly.. but surely..
My spirit's dying, and I've seriously, no mood to do anything,
but sit down, stone, think of the good times, recall the better times, and then, it all falls back again, the facade's broken..
and I know it can't really be fixed..
The smile's fading..
and i cannot seem to find the answer..
all I can do is wave goodbye..
goodbye, halcyon days....
I hope I chance upon you again..
my new friend 'janice', settles with me now..

-at the end of my rain, i see no sun, only clouds, and they seem only to be getting together, darker and darker.. its going to rain again..

an apple a day, keeps the doctor away
12:21 AM

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Sunday, August 12, 2007

Taking Towards (Take 8)

Well, thats what my new song is called..
you know, those random moments when you suddenly utter words (or is it just me..?)
yeah..
so, these thoughts came out, and i am indeed taking towards what i want in life..
anyhow, i sometimes feel i compose good lyrics XD
well, its just me, so i might just want to put up my lyrics someday on my blog..
haha.. i cant sing for nuts though, so its like composed for anyone who wants to sing it in their own way.. heh..
this also came about thanks to my emo-ness..
seriously..
i dont know why i've had this feeling lately..
i listen to emotional songs, and i cry.. (some arent even emo!)
i mean..
what the hell..
im pretty darn sure i was born to be a girl..
haha.. a quiz i once took concluded i was 80% female..
so.. there.. haha.. im not gay though..
anws.. back to topic..
im pretty much screwed up, definitely..
im not studying and promo's are a month away..
my parents, finally have taken their action..
internet's gonna be gone soon and all..
sometimes, im just not motivated to study..
thinking about the unneccessary..
which is much of a ironic thing for me, due to me always asking people to study and all..
oh wells..
i want to promote, but i dun wanna study..
so.. miracles wont even cause that..
anyhow..
national holiday, wasted, basically, all my time's been wasted and the best thing is..
i dont know why..
im gonna try to regroup myself, cos no one's gonna retain..
back to blog proper..
life's been, here and there, not too bad, and bad..
and okok.. forget it, its gonna relate to all the wrong stuff again x_X
but on the brighter note..
the badminton team is coming a little together
actually, that is the only brighter note.. except NDP and my class and church bbq, which was pretty fine..
oh, and my GP teacher's eyeing me!
cos of the parents teacher meeting, she told em she'll..
so that i dun slack off..
haha..
apparently.. its nt helping much thus far, neither is my studying schedule..
oh wells, guess these are the brighter notes =)
and how i also managed to escape issac lim 4 weeks without cutting hair =)
but only to cut it tmr..
zzz..
no diff anws..
oh wells..
guess ive really in no mood to blog now, just updating for updating's sake.. i'll make sure the next one would be better =)

You're way too beautiful girl

That's why it'll never work

You'll have me suicidal, suicidal (ok,ok, its an exaggeration)

When you say it's over

we glanced at each other, we're strangers now

an apple a day, keeps the doctor away
1:52 AM

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Sunday, July 08, 2007

07.07.07

because that's the date!! or so it was ytd..
oh man..
its such a cool cool day!
esp the 7's!
but most importantly..
the fun i had at expo!
haha.. it is archdiasean(sp?) youth day!
and it rocked!
preparation's all holy spirit church was rather great.. and my grp.. turned out..
so so after all =) i.. erm.. guess?
and on we headed to expo whereby i had sprayed my hair RED!!
yes RED!!
Ahhhhhh!!!!
i love red hair................
anyway.... we had seriously high times at expo..
there were like a thousand youths..
and being a facil of my church really makde me feel proud..
and i like out cool black shirts.. but sadly, the ushers had RED ones..
i wanna ask gabrielle for an exchange =P
na.. i think black's fine.. but.....
RED'S so much better..
youth's were jumping to praise and worship sessions..
and the facils and i, no diff there!
it was like highness without alcohol!
now thats naaiiccee XD
i made new friends, had fun, got high, ate two cheeseburgers in the bus ( cheeseburgers are amazing! ) almost heaven on earth, so apt for today's theme..
haha.. i sacrificed badminton tonight..
but all for a good cause..
i dun mind spending saturday's doing this!
and not to mention.. i almost became diabetical today..
i drank what was supposed to be teh-cino,
but it tasted like condensed milk, with a bit of water..
yeah.. imagine that..
NO TEA!!
oh wells.. now thats over..
im gonna recap over what happened the past few weeks..
transformers rock!! ALL HAIL MEGATRON!!
and i totally spoke rubbish to the epsilon after that!
of how i respect megatron and like blackout so..
and how i will join oceans one day,
rob a bank, then the IR, then some random cruise, then genting highlands, then macau, then on to vegas XD and how i'll get the gilroy (ahhhhhhhhh......)
okok, the gilroy was spoken btwn me and yijiang..
oh, not forgetting Flippy with his squid friend!
a tissue paper transformer XD
i watched other movies too=)
and it was oceans, surf's up, fantastic 4, pirates, blades of glory!!
so so cool..
oceans was real exciting..
surf's up was cute..
fantastic 4 was thrilling..
pirates was amusing..
and blades WAS DAMN FUNNY!!
compared to spiderman.. almost all these films beat that movie..
spiderman should have been much better..
oh wells..
enough commeting and criticism..
its on to the exams now!
haha..
what else can i say?
i see a series of F's in due time..
haha.. esp current affairs..
i thought the gst increase was to 5% =D
im amazing arent i?
and basically, its seriously failing them..
2 strikes alr..
miss chuah told me i failed pretty badly for maths..
and throught narindar's one hour of scolding a few classes, i know how badly my history was..
cos she even referred to my killer mistake which some made..
hmmm..
another one..
went out with my sec sch friends!!
yilong's birthday!
total fun man..
i got him a super unique card ( which i better also get one during my birthday ),
and i gave him fun..
like letting him touch me DOWN there..
it was pure fun.. and i laughed hard!! (but you all know whats harder right?)
haha.. ok, that wasnt meant to be.. referring to something, unless you alr did..
the wiggling between the legs was total awesomeness..
ronald was scared of me and lucas alr XD
so was yilong.. and actually.. pretty much everyone..
haha.. we heard rather good music at the esplanade waterfront too!
Trella it was.. but all in all.. i miss my sec sch, and the ppl there.. and that day was great =)
final thing..
my stupid mental problem..
its not like im going crazy or anything..
just that last week.. i suddenly had difficulty breathing..
and felt like fainting..
and my chest, super tight..
saw a doctor 3 days ago..
he told me it was some anxiety thing..
not uncommon..
i had issues, too many problems which causes my muscles in my body to tense up..
it was all in the head.. he told me if it continues, i had to see a councillor..
now, the only thing is..
im trying to find out what's bothering me..
and i realized how bothered i really am..
just that im too carefree to dig into these stuff..
must be my why do today when it can be handled tomorrow?
looks like life, cant really be escaped..
oh wells..
im better now alr though.. had a bit of medication and all..
its getting early.. its 3 now, and ive to wake up at 8 later..
zzz..
the past few days were crap..
across wed to fri..
i had 7 hrs of sleep in 3 nights.. friday night.. i came home, and slept on the floor for an hour..
haha.. how tired i was could be measured from the fact i didnt even realize i was bathing..
i was like "huh?"
"why am i naked?"
"oh.. yeah....."
so you more or less got the picture.. thank gdness.. i managed 8 hrs on fri night!
and managed to put in my 100% for today's AYD!!
simply the best!
i love my family,
i love my friends,
i love my stuff,
i love megatron ( hmmm............ ),
i love god.....
and this is no emo time..
to end things off..
ALL HAIL MEGATRON ONCE MORE BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT!

and of course.......
One way, Jesus =)
thanks for reading! =D
ps: hair RED = damn good feeling! =D

an apple a day, keeps the doctor away
2:45 AM

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Sunday, June 17, 2007

the holidays, which never were..

i mean.. who could actually study during the holidays?
haha.. i couldnt..
and so far..
it hasnt been going well..
all ive learnt so far is econs, and finished my lit readings..
and ive learnt an example of econs too!
studying is xavier's opportunity cost of opportunity cost's!
he has things to do like go for camps, play his nintendo DS which he had bought to enjoy his holidays, go out with his friends and basically every other thing besides studying..
haha..
oh wells..
im trying to, no doubt bout there..
and there is still a glimmer of hope.. i.. erm.. hope?
haha..
hmmm.. alrights..
i watched blades of glory, udon and pirates during the holidays..
and blades of glory.. damn funny! XD
udon, touching, but epsilons cant seem to comprehend it.. and thanks to the woman who gave ME a free ticket, but kind ME shared the cost with yijiang and the epsilon..
oh.. and report about exams so far..
gp- hopefully i pass it.. i felt i did ok..
maths- haha.. confirm dunno like what to the extent you dont feel pressured about failing..
and.. yijiang and i have been doing the borat for a while now.. haha..
but i havent done it since 2nd week of holidays.. haha..
alright.. enough of cj..
basically.. (sounds so debrief style)
i partially enjoyed my holidays..
went to genting.. erm.. hmmm.. ya..
haha.. what else can i say? i mean.. it IS genting..
oh, i saw my PE teacher there! haha.. out of all places..
i went for slc camp, which was really fun stuff..
i managed to conquer my fear of heights! i mean.. at least till the fourth story, which aint really that bad? haha.. and i was out of my comfort zone! beat that! oh.. haha..
my comfort zone, which most of my group 6 ( Fratello ) members know, would be.. the bed! ahhh...........
we had walks, talks, and one of the most memorable..
push ups which ached my arms for a week..
i couldnt even feed myself (but still did), and wash my hair (but still did), and lots of other stuff..
next up on the list..
CAMP SYNERGY! 1+1=3!
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
i love x100 the camp!
its super fun! even as a faciliator, i shared the moments, fun times and all..
it was really enjoyable.. and definitely away from my books!
i wanna go again.. despite it being super tiring..
and.. i hated those dreadful cockroaches all over st gabriel's..
haha.. thanks goodness they only appear at night! whew..
i wanna dance the chikucha! the chikulele! and do retarded dances which are so damn fun x_X
haha.. and play games with my group! my group is called... HALO!
haha.. oh man.. that was, super happy times! but most of the sec1's know i dread cockroaches now.. haha.. and they keep using that to scare me.. but.. their nice anyhow..
and i had one heck of a time.. even studying cant spoil that mood!
oh wells.. i got a free shirt! =)
2 actually, cos i found one more =P
and the camp inspired me.. a little? yupp..
and.. ...... hmmmm.......
na.. time to sleep now.. its 3, i tried studying hist at 1.30..
haha.. and nothing went in, nothing...
probably cos im dead tired.. oh wells.. till next time again!

~There are many things i would like to say to you, but i don't know how..
~I don't think its something so simple, its more than a phase..
~You know, its really good to hear your voice calling my name..
~But i'm just now sure it's gonna work, & i stumble about this thought..
~I wanna tell you, but i'm afraid..
~I can't stop myself from thinking..
~How i accidentally fell in love with you..
~I'm the one who wants to be with you..
~I wanna kiss that smile..
~Dear miss..
~I'll Wait for you..

some lines from songs..
which i get during history studying =P

an apple a day, keeps the doctor away
2:50 AM

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