what should i say??

happen to accidentally come by this current song on my playlist. its really meaningful. i love it.
this are the lyrics.



Early in the morning
I put breakfast at your table
And make sure that your coffee
Has its sugar and cream

Your eggs are over easy
Your toast done lightly
All that's missing is your morning kiss
That used to greet me

Now you say the juice is sour
It used to be so sweet
And I can't help but to wonder
If you're talking 'bout me

We don't talk the way we used to talk
It's hurtin' so deep
I've got my pride, I will not cry
But it's makin' me weak

I'm not your superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me, ooh, baby

I fought my way through the rush hour
Trying to make it home just for you
I want to make sure that your dinner
Will be waiting for you

But when you get there you just tell me
You're not hungry at all
You said you'd rather read the paper
And you don't want to talk

You like to think that I'm just crazy
When I say that you changed
I'm convinced I know the problem
You don't love me the same

You're just going through the motions
And you're not being fair
I've got my pride, I will not cry
Still I can't help but care

I'm not your superwoman (Oh, no, no)
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human (I'm only human)
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me

I'm not your superwoman (Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo)
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down (Hey)
And think that everything's okay (Don't let me down, don't you let me down)
Boy, I am only human (I'm only human, yeah)
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token (Ooh, ooh) of love from you to me

Oh, baby, look into the corners of your mind
I'll always be there for you through good and bad times
But I can't be that superwoman that you want me to be
I'll give my everlasting love if you'll return love to me

I'm not your superwoman (Oh, no, oh, no)
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human (I'm only human)
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me (Oh, no)

If you feel it in your heart
And you understand me
Stop right where you are
Everybody sing along with me

Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
I'm the kind of girl that can treat you so sweet
But you got to realize that you got to be sweeter to me, oh, ho, ho

Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
I need love
I need just your love

I'm not your superwoman (Oh, no)
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down (You can let down)
And think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human (I'm only human)
This girl needs more than occasional (Hey, hey, hey, hey)
Hugs as a token of love from you to me

I'm not your superwoman

well, its meaningful..to think about it, its human nature to hope to get what u give away or maybe the same amount of attention and care. well..sometimes expecting less will just make you more contented and appreciative.
relationships tend to grow mundane at times. this i know well. very very well cus i myself experience it before.

Think i better stop here before i get too emotional. read the lyrics, appreciate it and naturally ur mind will start off thinking about the meaning behind it..off to bed now...wee wee...

back to december

its december and we parted.although we did not even get together, i still will keep the precious memories. towards you, i only contain guilt. you are so nice to me yet i still rejected you. my heart is bitter, but i noe its the only way. secretly i pray for you. i pray that u will be happier without me. i know u will not forgive me cus the hurt i have caused u is too deep.I'm sorry. i'll chose to keep our precious memories in my heart. you have given me your best, just that i did not cherish u enough..we are never meant to be tgt...im sorry that i made you feel that u r a spare tire. Im sorry. i can't find back the feeling i have for you anymore.every time we quarrel, i drifted 1 mile away from you. Slowly everything started to be mundane. thinking back, we watch videos together at home, do homework, and go shopping together. but everything will not be the same anymore. i have lost the first love for you


ps: i hope you will live strongly

im seriously sorry

u noe i feel damn guilty towards you..sorry its my fault...i'll say sorry till u reply my sms...at least i'll feel better this way..idk how can i stand by u but im sorry...idk what to say but i hope u r alright now...i wanna ask u if everything is fine cus im worried but i dun dare to sms u...r u ok????i hope u can get back to me soon....well...seriously, just lemmi apolise while waiting...im dying to apologise..i really never feel so freaking guilty in my whole life before...=( all is hand type de not copy and paste de

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry...
ok, finally u replied... 12.22am...idk what to tell u oso...im freaking worried...u noe i vomited alot of phelgm just now...ok nvm abt that, cus its not as terrible as how i feel inside...i wanna give u a hug and apologise... but i can't... u noe i really wanna rush over but if i do, things will be more complicated..gosh...im sorry...super duper sorry...i hope i dun irritate u when i say so much sorry. i feel super super damn f**king bad!its like theres an XX in my heart....

a december sunday afternoon

currently so hooked on taylor swift's 'back to december'. well mat be its december now thats why?haha!holiday is coming soon yet theres a sense of emptiness. what shall i do to occupy my holidays? feel like picking up dancing. this is one of the things i wanna do but dont have the chance to. many things up in my mind, sometimes, u have to give up something thats so dear to u for something new. well, thats life isn't it. omgsh! later gonna get the washing machine from ronnie, so nice of him right. lol...kinda bored....don't know what to do as well... think its time to set some goals for the holiday....looking forward to next year...as im turning 19!!!!and 2012, i'll be 20! time to save up and earn $ to get a car license...talking about cars, it reminds me of tim...hai.....wonder how is he doing....hope his health is better now..=(

Sick

Hai... Bad cough n flu.. Feel so useless..can't eat alot of food n have to sleep early. I don't have time to waste.. So much work undone.. Sometimes when I just quiet down, I started to think about my relationship life and wonder why is it so complicated. I don't understand..zzz back to wrk now..

Typed on nov 19

Sigh~...these few days had been terrible emotionally..first is quarrel with my brother.. N I apologized ytd, so issue solved. But L problem surfaced. It's so sucky.. To think abt it it's kinda childish when he asked the people ard him to either befriend him and to be an enemy of mine or befriend n be an enemy of his. Simply immature and ridiculous.. There's things that I cant say an I have to break his heart cus I totally have no choice..well I'm actually protecting him by hurting him badly now.. He won't understand.. Maybe in the future he will but I guess it will then be too late.things just won't be the same anymore. How much I've gone through hide it from him, till now and the near future cus he is not my bf n I'm not his gf. And before i do, I won't want him to suffer with me so I have to push him away and say nasty stuff so he'll hate me. I dun mind him hating me if it makes him feel better.. But why make the people ard him miserable with him? Fucking selfish.. Afterall these problems concern only me and him isn't it? I lied to cvr up my lies just in order not to let him know the truth. Cus it will be freaking hurting. I don't have the courage to tell him the truth cus it's just too hard on him.. Only 3 pple noes the real reason why n I'm glad they understand how much pain i have gone through.. Who doesn't want to be with the guy u loved n who doesn't want to have a guy u can rely on.. But when there's communication breakdown, everything will not be the same anymore..

im not perfect

heard a song from hedley, perfect...and started questioning. seriously, these moments where family and relationships dont work out, i just wanna seek my comfort zone and hide.

its really very very stress. tml will be meeting my dear althea, i feel happy about it. i don't have many girlfriends but i noe i have her thats enough.

i just wanna let the people i have hurt and those who have hurt me know that i'm not a perfect girl just like what the songs said

i'm not perfect but i keep trying
cus that what i say i would do from the start.

im being me. i dun wanna pretend cus pretense is for the insincere..

down again

i hate feeling so down=( no one likes it..always have to put on a strong front when in fact im dead painful inside. been really stupid to love my brother so much. stupid to the extent that i dont like korean pop at all, but i purposely listen to them cus my brother likes it so i can even have a common topic with him.its just downright terrible when he scolded me bitch, stupid and useless. i really feel disrespected. i admit that slapping him is my fault, and im sorry.

Towards boy gal relationship, i failed. towards family i fail as well. sometimes i wonder is it when u r rich, u can have everything thats going by your way?will there be less quarrals and hurts?can i even use money to shut my brother up so i can prevent myself from getting hurt. money is the root of all problem, yet money can solve problems as well. why?why can everything be simple?

sometimes i'll ask myself why do i have to chose the guy i liked and not the guy who likes me more then i do. its hurting u noe. and i really noe this is stupid of me yet i still do it.

Blogging!! Yay I love blogging when I got things to say

typed on 12th nov:

Today's edition will be on vivian Dawson. Such a lucky guy. Well he is like currently dating the pop diva jolin tsai..though I'm not quite a fan of hers but I always admire her since young. Maybe cus she's pretty.. Haha! And so I met Vivian once at the Cleo eligible bachelor event. It was like wow! However, I'm pretty mad at the paparazzi. Why must they like stalk them to the gym and bowling alley??it's not very nice of them but that's their job.. So it's like wth... Poor jolin n vivian had to sneak to date. Therefore in conclusion having a simple life is good but provided there's fun and excitement n not forgetting surprises!

although its just another wednesday.......

8am
wake up, prepare and head to work for ronnie, done photoshop and stuff had a great time, had a quick breakfast alone.

2.30pm
stayed at bukit gombak had my lunch alone again. had laksa and read cleo magazine and i head to grandma house.

3.45pm
in the train, despite the killer weather, i was freezing in the train, think im falling sick.

4.05pm
reached grandma's place and was working on my project. had a nice time with her, i never heard so much abt her. despite how unhappy i feel when i recieve the project, one thing that delights me is the moment i spend with my grandma. Next Interview will be my daddy's side. so looking forward to it. atleast it a time of communication betwee me and them. cus i realise, ur frens, no matter what will only be your friends, they can just hurt u. but family will always be there for u. i really hope that 1 day, i can design a beautiful home for them.

4.45pm
Wondering aimlessly in northpoint. hoping so much that i can get someone to have dinner with me cus mummy didn cook. DK who to call also cus either they are busy if not they are having dinner at home or even booked. The last thing i ever wanted for today is to have dinner alone but i think i have no choice left. tears rolling down, having that little pity on myself yet telling myself that i'll be fine after awhile.

had been really bad these 3 days, cried almost everyday cus i dun feel good yet every night, down a red wine and tell myself, i'll feel better tomorrow, hiding down all my pain. cus the last thing i ever want is to make myself feel useless. i tried to be nice to everyone that i've met cus its not by chance that they become my friend and i wanna cherish them. I always told myself, despite how hurt i am, i also want others to be happy. i noe its some foolish thinking of mine in this selfish world. and sometimes i hurt people but i didn mean it. im sorry..and i dont feel good either.

think i shall stop here, if not i'll feel more down. dinner?think i'll skip that, at least im happier this way.

new hunk???

haha!!!!today i will feature jason chee in my post..abit bo liao la..haha!!!!nothing better to do in school oso do i put his photos to disturb him =p today is brandon's birthday and he is waiting for his princess to go lunch tgt, i hope she give him a kiss cus he is so deeply in love with her!!!!!! back to jason! haha!!!

deng deng deng!!!!the first pic will be

black and white jacket , everlast pants and his hot bod!haha, so rmb to log into wwww.nutrifirst.net!LOL

next will be

this one look so boy boy..haha!!dunno why, but maybe cute mah..haha!



u can see his muscles, its so define..haha!gosh im like some pervertic psycho haha n im freezing cold in the studio, i can feel my tummy shivering..zzzz....i'll go prompt him to see my blog at least he will be more happy to book out from camp!!!haha

places i wanna go

first stop will be hawaii!!!


volcanoes and beaches. simply wonderful!

next will be new york!!!!
i wanna have a photoshoot there!!every corner of the city is just so artistically amazing and picturesque.


france!!
the rich and romantic culture simply keeps in in awe. i love the architecture!and of cus, i miss vincent francome, my very good friend.=/


where should go to my honey moon?haha!!!
or maybe with my future bf when i earn enough $$?
scuba diving/snorkling at mauritius is another dream of mine and i realise all the places are so expensive..haha!!

back again

HAHA!im back blogging agaain...actually idk what to write but well, for a moment, i was asking myself and telling myself that i can't please everybody. thought about wen an that case. hai, all the nasty things he said about me just pissed me off so much, i cant even treat him as a friend. He is just too selfish to the people around him. hopefully when he grow older, he still ha ve some true friends around him.

althea is back from italy!yeah!!!!im so happy ok...i hope she is coping well. miss her...

yester had a photoshoot with mike and we gossiped about the stupiak alvin who took advantage of me. i just couldnt force myself to be ok about it. argh!

ok this post is so random and is filled with randomness.. think i should get my mind sort out and focus first.

MAYBE ITs True

kinda stuck with reality and fantasy. Maybe because i have nothing else better to do..dots. I actually dun feel good. u noe, sometimes we know its the wrong thing yet we still indulge in it. its not so right. its just so hard to believe. reality and not so real, idk what to chose. all messed up, all confuse.

hunt or be hunted.

so long since i blogged, not that im busy, its just that i start to hate to write how i feel up here..people will think 'forget it and close your blog' but all i can say i no. for many out there, that i have offended u in anyways, im sorry, not that i wanna please u but im sorry that i have hurt u..now its holidays, and im seriously rotting at home and have nothing else better to do...started to think and wonder about alot of things.

recently i read about an article, its about man hunting a women, its actually very true.some like to live in the  wrong perception, this is what that ios quoted "They know deep down they don't have the ability to catch the queen of the jungle (the lioness) but they like to think that they might, maybe." i have a certain admiration towards guys who are bold yet i will grow skeptical towards them, i often wonder if thats true or its just a fling.

Its kinda funny too especially in the ring of relationship. Its really like mind game.so what if a girl have grown an interest towards a guy? still we must keep the fun on going, zzzzz...thats guy's ego,,,well, the important point is to allow the hunter to feel he is doing the chasing, even if secretly he isn't. Its the success and achievement he wants to feel isn't it?

for me, i use to hunt guys, (to put it really crudly) and i ended up dead. haha...cus in the end, the one that get hurt most is only you and you alone, to reflect back, i'm not at all proud that i have 7 ex bf. cus it than reflect how much a failure in relationship i am. But this is something tht keeps me strong and move on and wants to make things better when i meet my mr right. im still really young yet all this things about love start triggering in my mind. Dates after dates, its actually better in some point but when u find u need him to be there, the one that u dun expect is the one that stood by u and secretly u'll fall for him without knowing. waiting for his msg but it didn come, this remind me of my favourite song, 'Maybe' by jay sean.

below are the lyics
Beep Beep! oh look now there goes my phone


And once again im just hopin it's a text from you..hmm..

It aint right read ya messages twice, thrice

Four times a night its true

Everyday I patiently wait

Feelin like a fool but I do, anyway

Nothing can feel as sweet and as real

As knowing I wasn't waiting in vain..



[Chorus:]

maybe its true

I'm caught up on you

Maybe there's a chance that ur stuck on me too

maybe i'm wrong

It's all in my head

Maybe We're Afraid of Words We Both Hadnt Said





[Verse 2:]

I'm always connected online

Hooked on facebook all the time

Hopin you've Checked my profile

Just can't help wondering why,

You play it cool but,

see I'm hopelessly fallin for you,

Every night on the phone and I flirt with you..

and I know that you like it girl

All jokin aside,

What say you and I

Come out and say what we're trying to hide..



[Chorus:]

maybe its true

I'm caught up on you

Maybe there's a chance that ur stuck on me too

maybe im wrong

It's all in my head

Maybe We're Afraid of Words We Both Hadnt Said





[Bridge:]

Like I really want you,

I think I need you,

Baby I miss you,

I'm thinking of you [x2]



[Guitar Solo]



[Chorus:]

maybe its true (OH)

I'm caught up on you (maybe, yeah)

Maybe there's a chance that ur stuck on me too (Stuck on me too)

maybe i'm wrong (Hey baby, yeah..)

It's all in my head.. (OH NO)

Maybe We're Afraid of Words We Both Hadnt Said

(both haven't said)



Maybe Its True I'm Caught Up On You

Maybe There's A Chance that You're Stuck On Me Too

Maybe I'm Wrong, It's All In My Head

Maybe We're Afraid of Words We Both Hadnt Said



[Outro]

Maybe it's true..(Baby I Miss You)

I'm caught up on you (Look I Want You)

Maybe I am wrong

Baby I miss you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YelGZjy0Tlg
 
isnt it really true?
well, its just like a fairy tale. a damsel in distress, and a prince on a white horse pop in. haha!

back to square one

haha!!i had so much fun at the grandfinals ytd. but now=( im gonna get a hell load of time cause i have to do my projects again!!arghhhh!! i hate it i hate it!!!i miss the girls=( no more rehearsal now. ='(

re: msg on my tag box

hi whoever you are, thanks for "concerning" about me but for your information, ears are not meant to hear about gossips but to share people's problem, if your ear like to hear people gossip, cut it away. People wanna woo me is their choice. I have no rights to stop them. Well, perhaps, you have no rights to judge about others as well, so what if their eyes are blind. I have flaws and i dare to admit. but what about you? dare to say things about me but don't dare to put down your name. At least leave yourself some respect ok? And i tell you what mr/ miss damn and ... i can be open to tell things about myself to people but i'm not a loose girl, do you even care to ask what happen? you didn't. since you like to hear people's gossip, go ahead. cus i won't stop you, but don't worry, even i know who you are, i won't gossip about you=)

it has been really long

had been sometime since i blogged..was really trying to bottle up how i really feel this month or so. Really been so tough. school and pagent. i learnt a dance for the pagent and gosh, i danced like a clown. i don't feel good at all. You know, i really feel upset about it. i don't know what had happen and i feel totally lost. thank god, althea and a few girls stood by me. through the pagent, i see alot. i started to believe that actually can trust in girls. well, truthfully, most of my close friends are guys. At first, i don't dare to talk to sharin cus she look do cool and don't talk much but in the end, she is really nice. althea is my best friend in the pagent. she really looked after me. and i'm very blessed by her. she bought me a top and pinky underwear. haha...!!!i feel really touched..I don't know what to say and i kept quiet but as im writing this post, i'm overwhelmed with tears. Well, i see the cruel part in this pagent as well. Gossips and backstab. i'm so afraid of that because this is the main reason i lose trust in girls and pin my hope into guys instead. well, im not a flirt but im more comfortable with guys. and well, althea, sharin, krizzia and few girls showed me different things and made me look at things in a different perspective. sometimes to tink about it, i'm afraid to write down what i really feel in my blog because perhaps now when in the pagent, you tend to be more cautious about what you say. I wanna share about how i feel once more. well, secretly here in my blog, i wanna thank althea, nass, krizz, sharin, ivy and celestine for the support you gave me today.

dates

hmm...so stressed up recently...after breaking up with my ex, i had a few guys who is wooing me...i feel extremely stressed...sometimes, u dun understand..when u have no one to woo u, u dun feel good and to the extent maybe feel empty, but when theres too many, its hard to handle. the last thing i ever want on this earth is to break a guy's heart.but sometimes, i have to. i dun want it to end up bad. i just want respect and time. having a bas headache and i really misses my pet stray cat. thinking of her gives me a smile. everytime she sees me, she will run to me. i hope i can seek comfort just by playing with her now. this gloomy weather is making me double gloomy..=(

make over

came here just to give credits to the makeup artist and the photographer who does my make over for the pagent..but i didn buy the photos..hmm....anw, finished my holidays homework!!weee...but sure theres more coming up...omg!!!!i want homework free holiday..=( now its like world cup season...all the coffeeshop is earning..haha...i hope worldcup never ends..it feel so good to see people who don't know each other yet bonded by a common goal: watch people score goal..haha...

i like my-new hairdo

1: a great thank you to eric of mystique hair salon and his fellow hairstylists. now i have a newly highlighted hair and some nice haircut. love it. this is part of the miss singapore pagent process..i really appreiate it. feel like a princess. so i must get myself ready for the photoshoot on the 22nd june. =)
sleeping time...goodnight everyone

MISS SINGAPORE WORLD

wow!!after much trying..or i say 2 tries of new paper new face..haha..i got into miss singapore..i'm not too sure if this is the finals means i have to call up the management and check it out. so well, lester accompanied me. i'm thankful for him. thanks lester!! and also my agent, liu, for giving me valuable advise. right now, i'm gonna try my best for this competition. so that means i have lots of admin stuff to settle with school.. asking about how should i juggle competition with school's assignment. hope we can work somethings out. seriously i'm overjoyed. wanna share my joy with all the people around me cause i know some of my friends have high hopes on me and i really don't want to let them down. Just a joke, i'm going to squeeze out the very best of my capabilities and use my capabilities to squeeze out every thing i can learn from the people i'm gonna meet in the future from this pagent. saw so many beautiful girls today. i think the previous year new paper new face girls are there as well.. they look beautiful. i may not be as beautiful as they are but i know a beautiful heart makes a person beautiful. of cause everyone have their unique beauty. right??(say right) haha...lol...

than after the interview, i went to meet my daddy!!he brought me to pasir ris fish farm to get a new fish pond for his fish..i saw chicken and rooster!gosh...and little chicks..they are so cute..seriously, its my first time that i saw chicks.  below are the pics.

but anyway..

thanks to siok kan, lester, vivian, brandon, lydia, han bin and xinyi we went to marina barage to celebrate siok kan's birthday, that really cheer me up so much...i stil remember last year was terrible, i didn manage to get in new paper new face 2009 and on that day, my ex boyfriend broke up with me...terrible...hmm..well, really thankful for them...if not i will go home, stuff myself in my blanket and cry till i sleep, but the strong trina will only emerge stronger...no TNP new face, theres still other oppotunity coming up...GO GO GO!!

long time since

i blogged..completed my submission..yeah!!!but more complications is up, relationship, new projects etc...gosh..well, sad to say, i didn manage to get in the new paper new face...but nevertheless, i will still hang on..ready to take up new challenges..hmm...relationship wise, there had been a downfall too...seem like i'm getting to no where in my present relationship..there seem to be so little communication between me and him. and as for my part, i didn't really wanna get to know more about him...i think my feelings are fading..its only 1 month plus...i hate it that my relationship cant last..but i don't seem to meet the right guy yet..why??=(
maybe its not time..i'll wait cus im still young..its not that i'm a flirt, but its just that i feel uncomfortable when i'm with him.. i wanna share alot of stuff with him but i just couldn't..

hmm, really wanna refresh everypart of my life...maybe stay single in the mean time and wait for someone else...i really don't know...so confused...

sometimes, things isn't just what you wish for

today, i went down to orchad for the new paper new face scouting, well, i cant blame it on anyone though, its just the timing is not right...i do feel sad about it and feel that i'm not cut for it...right now, i tell myself..of cause with the support of lester, vincent and jaime, i decide to give it a go on this saturday at suntec..i really dk if i can get through the first round.but before anything, i wanna take time to really appreciate the people who gives me courage to move on. Thank you..i will do my very best this saturday. the rest i humbly hand it to the judges.

well, today i cried about this issue but somehow the tears makes me stronger and to telling myself how much i want to gain the new exposure and experience. the knowledge to my modeling career is just not enough cause theres so much more to learn. and i really wanna grab the chance to learn more.

its been so....

its been so so double triple duper drooper long since i blogged...been so busy recently with school and modeling...hmm...really do hope can get some jobs but im scared i cant cope with school work...i hope 12 june will arrive soon..that means its holidays..and modeling!!!photoshoot...gosh!i'm excited about it...met with my new agent/photographer liu, idk his full name yet..maybe shall ask him..haha....such a nice guy..he took nice pics of me..well...im really interested to work with more new photographers though...maybe not on lingerie...and i dount want to...eeeewww!and a photographer who took erotic pics asked me if i wanna collaborate with him..and NO...i won't want to...cus the pics are damn erotic..like licking a banana...eeeewwwww!!!!!im not going to do that!!its like blowjobbing...NO WAY!!!!i think the photographer must be sick in the mind..and wth!!so many models work with him before...of cause they have big boobs la...so maybe people who are keen to look at his pics, can go model mayhem and check out his portfolio...but seriously....its freaking erotic...ooohhh.thats the site whereby you can see nude models too...lol....hmmm....but of cause..mine is not inside...haha...i don't do nude ok....



hmm...i wonder whats next.....

photoshoot=)

credits to liu =)

venue sentosa

ok, there he goes again

fine fine, i had enough..its really crap and full of lies when he just treat me this way(he is not my boyfriend)just don't know what to do with this complicated issue...he just have to placer work as work and personal as personal. this is so unprofessional..but anyway, i really hope he don't quit school because of me..cause this just makes me feel bad and terrible.

Oh no!! I'm having a cockroach outblast at home!!

gosh and damn! recently theres so much cockroaches at the rubbish chute at my house..eeewww...mum bought the spray spray pesticide and peeeeewwww!!the cockroaches all ran out..theres 50 over of them!!wah!!!i damn freak out u know..i think the mother cochroach and the father cockroach damn fertilise hoh...keep making love in the dirty place...i hope the cockroaches die....kill kill kill...its really disgusting...oooh and its mother's day!!wanna wish my mummy happy mother's day..and i'm really proud of her..cause she is my super hero!!she is so brave that she killed 50++ cockroaches today!!i made the discovery and thats my present to her...!!haha!!!i'm just joking=)

who is the bitch?

alright, here i am with a headache but i'm still going to bitch about a bitch...its pretty bad of me but its rude of her..think Rihana must sing a 'rude girl' song...well, grats to her for offending me...the story goes like this...i went to art friend bras basar yesterday with my boyfriend to get my school project material...damn that girl, i saw her and i said hi to her..asked her nicely: "hey what are you doing here(in chinese) rudely she replied :"i'm here doing what you are doing."(in chinese) and she walked off...such a rudy.....so upset with her...well..to think optimistically, she is just jealous of me..to think pessimistically, i'm a shit...which i think I'M NOT..haha..well, if she don't do such things to me i won't bitch about her, i will be equally nice to her like to anyone else..too bad..i'm not going to blame her mum for not teaching her well, cause its not her mum's fault...its only her fault that she is so low-class...goodness gracious...hope someone will knock sense into her...

by the way, she is the 1st girl i bitched publicly(i don't do private bitching)...her name is MISS CHUN CHUN CHUN XIA>>>>>>>>

you can be nice, but don't scare me

hmm, recently, theres a friend that suddenly been really nice to me..in turn, it makes me feel suffocated, it makes me feel scared..i will only love a person who is only being himself, not someone who lives to be someone i want him to be =(
i can only chose 1 person, i only want 1 guy who will give me happiness...i don't know who will be in the one in the end..i don't want it to be like a battle between 2 guys you know...i have a boyfriend now, yet the guy that i use to like likes me now...which i really don't feel good cause what i want now is to protect my boyfriend who have always been protecting me...i don't want him to feel even alittle bit of jealousy...i feel sad when that guy is treating me very good..its just so not like him..i feel bad cus theres only 1 trina lim yi ting in this world...i want to be happy and not choke myself.. so to the guy who likes me even i have a bf- please don't make me feel suffocated..don't choke me..i know you care..but it makes me scared of you..='(

ok, i'm attached

ok, it happened on the 27th, accepted him...hmm, really blessed to have him around and apollo, my dear doggy..well, i really don't know if i can get use to being attached but i will try my best to be a good girlfriend. I know i have my own temper and often my mood changes very fast. really hope he can have some patience with that...dk what to say too...shall abruptly end this post here

recently had been terrible

hmm...where should i start with?
so much going on in my mind...church, family, relationship and friends.maybe i will start with church..can't really call myself a devote christian or a faithful one..admited that i backslided and i actually feel very bad about it. really wanted to go back but i know i have to give up alot of things. its hard you know..so just want to tell my friends that if your thinks that im not fit to call myself a christ follower, pkease forgive me..cause i am a sinner and no christians are perfect. i know people often think christians are god crazy people and they are scary, but truthfully, everyone have a passion for something. its not that they are crazy or irritating. but its the service in their heart which wants to feed the desire.

and my family, hadn't really been talking much to dad and mum after the last quarral, well, cause i have abit of unforgiveness which i was telling myself that i must let it go cause i love them. started to open up a little like telling them that im on my way home etc. hope everything go well again..cause i really think i'm pretty unfilial. i really want to give them a better life in the future..will work hard in my designing adventure..

hmm...towards relationship wise..my love life was a pretty complicated one but now, i really want it to be simple. I admit i liked a friend of mine few months back..our relationship was a complicated one. i have to put on a mask when i am with him and his friends or my classmates..i feel sour inside you know...=( he said he have his own reasons in doing things...but he refuse to tell people...often when i say i have my own opinion in the end, a quarral will break out..always...whether in school or at home..=(

many people are concern about my relationships and all, just to say, i have given a guy whom loved me a chance..haha..he wooed me for about 1year and the half. but i had been rejecting him like he is a rubbish...finally i decided t give him a chance but i have to lose that friend of mine..i really feel terrible...why can't we still be friends?he told me that he want me to open up my eyes to notice the people around me.but when i gave the guy who wooed me a chance to know each other more as a friend, he quarralled with me...why is that so?=(...he didn admit that he likes me...but anyway, just wanna tell my friends, i'm seriously considering if i should go into a relationship with the guy who wooed me...lets see how is he going to propose to me loh..haha...well, i know there won't be anymore fooling around and less going out one on one with guys if i accept him...its just my commitment if i really accept this relationship...

well, friends, i know you are worried if this guy is out there to cheat on me or fooled me due to my past failed relationship...6 relationships, 5 guys ditched me...well, i certainly hope he is different from the others..and i can assure you guys who cared, i'm getting stronger and tougher everyday cause i know there are people who cares and support me, and they are willing to stand by me..i appreciate you guys and girls.

its 3am

till now, i'm still not sleeping..hmm=(..i feel really sad though..somebody i cared just hurt me...again...well, i know i hurt him as well...=(...its pretty much of a complicated issue and now, im down here painful and depressed...cried and cried....i hope this pain can just go away..='( why must people give up something to be fair or to gain?why can't we have both...=(.....its pretty much of a naive thinking that i wanna have both but i cant..=( haven even bath yet....and tml i have to charge to botanic garden to take photo...=(feel really tired...

first day of year two

location: sp t523

hmm, in school now, feeling blue yet excited with whats coming next. really wonder when will my next project come...holiday was fun yet emotionally tiring cause of family. now i have an excuse to stay out late...haha...i miss apollo my dog, i hope he misses mummy too..hmm...dk what to blog about..hmm., its funny actually cause on that day, i wore a different combination of earing!its the ring type one but i wore silver on my left ear and black on the right..=/ i realise it when i reach home...kinda stupid..grrr...anw, these are my latest modeling photo..

its complicated

had been rather confuse recently, finally school is starting..i really hope to bury all my problem under the stress of school work..had 1 more beer just now. its now my 4th can till now since i turn 18.theres been a tendency for me to drink when i feel really down..hmm, must kick this habit..i really start to be blinded.. my love life is so complicated. yes i'm single now, but theres been so many bumble bees around me, for a moment, i was so bedazzled by the noise,and the next moment, i know its reality again where i have to stand all alone again. i feel sad, i feel terrible, my family dun seem to be there well, maybe its better, or worse, i don't know..i look forward for tomorrow to arrive cause its a brand new start. gonna work hard..i hope..

not trustworthy

hmm..this blog is about my modeling news that i'm going to ngee ann poly for catwalk. Well the event is call NP fashion breakout. I don't care if the main organiser saw this post. cause if they dare to break the trust of people, the must dare to admit. the whole incident goes like this. one day, sze li called me if i don't mind helping them to catwalk for an NP event. The compensation is nothing. meaning, i'm doing the show for free. ok i accept it. take it as an experience. plus sze li is doing the make up. but few days ago, recieved a news from sze li that the main management ask me not to go already. i feel really cheated but well, the bound to be better offers right? much happen though, but its not sze li's fault. its the organiser's fault. its really bad though. cause they don't practice the principle of trust which is the most important in the modeling industry. well, sad to say even the beg me now, i won't hesitate to reject.

anyway, do still go down for the event have to pay $7 and $5 for earlybirds. when i have time maybe i'll pop down to support my friends who i introduced and in the end, i'm not able to participate. haha...lifeis unfair though but theres better oppotunities that will come by.

control only nurture rebellious and unhappiness

WTF!WHY MUST MY MUM SAY STUFF THAT F_CKING HURT ME SO BADLY...!she really drive me to the core of leaving home. everyone make mistakes right?why must someone just control the freedom of others?why must parents be this way. Yes they love us, but still, they make us feel super controlled! I'M JUST GOING TO TOTALLY WRITE HOW I FEEL NOW SO WHEN I'M A PARENT MYSELF, I WON'T CONTROL MY CHILD. because, control only nurture rebellious and unhappiness.

its just like rubberband. it bouces freely when unstretched allowing it potential to be groomed. allowing the limit to be stretched. but as you keep stretching, its just like controlling someone over the years. the rubberband will still break.

yes i know my mum is trying to protect me. but i don't need any protection. the more she do that, the more i hate it and want to break free..she wants to give me curfew at 11pm, im just gonna reach home after 11pm even better, not go home. I'm naughty, im rebellious. cause she chose to snatch my freedom away. NEVER DID SHE CONSOLE AND COMFORT ME SHE JUST KNOWS HOW TO CONTROL. I LEFT MY RELIGION, I FELT GUILT, REGRETS YET ITS A LESSON LEARNT. but my parents are not the one thats there for me. they don't even provide me enough for my three meals. what authority they have to control me. plus, when i need them, they are not there.

just living everyday in absolute emptiness and pain.

just a lie

why?why must you treat me this way?why must you lie to me?a white lie is still a lie. you lied to your friends in front of me and now you lied to me!even i'm submerged in the lies, i still remain honest and true and this is what i get in return.

well, why is there people who can just lie their head off without feeling a single pinch of guilt? even when i lie, i feel bad, i feel guilty, i feel ashame. why people just get immune to lying and hurt their loves ones, i hurt my love ones too but i dun get immune to it, i told myslf that i want to change, but du to circumstances, i just jumped into the temptation, i hope god forgives me for that.

photoshoot with michael

ok ok, now right up is my modeling pictures.. have a look

nice or not u judge for yourself.

had i wine and it taste simply aweful and terrible..maybe is i feel really down and upset and the awefullness of the wine made me cry...just finding a way to fall asleep..=(

blog another day

just another stupid name i came up..hai..its 2. and im so in a crossroad now. i really dk who to chose u know..hmm...so many nice guys appeared, one is a guy i dun wanna let go but and its impossible between us. two is a guy who is patiently waiting for me. three is a guy im keen to know. complicated plus complicated..mylife seemt to be falling in place complicatedly hmm...seem to think alot about love recently..kind of crazy and tired..its just like roller coaster..

had a shoot with michael lim(photographer) really love his style though im kind of uncomfortable cus of the clothes..well my first time for this genre of shoot..dk how to describe it, shall post the pics up here next time..

hmm...my head contain 2 guys now..i feel extremely confused..i know tarot cards cant help me with that..it shows me what i should do but in the end i still have to chose...i hate to chose cus im just so afraid to make the wrong decision...im just a scaredy cat..haha...scared of frogs, shit and ghost..=(...i oso scared of molester pink panter, go home wear ur short panter...haha...feeling kind of lame now..cant sleep, cant do anything..want to text pple scared they are sleeping..hai..super super frustrated now...maybe i just go get a wine, drink than sleep...i really misses u, u and u...i miss my dog apollo too..=(i just seem to miss so many things..what a lonely night..=(

chick chuck chum??

well, its some kinda funny sound but it mean something else..whaha...randomness...anw, went for a dinner with my dearest ex bf...we are still friends though.. he went home to have his dinner while me myself and i alone took the bus home...bus 969..haha..its kind of a special ride to/for me(whatever the grammer is) cause i get to know this tarot guy..haha...he became a friend i feel comfortable with..just know him for 4 days and told him lots of my stuff...well, maybe theres a form of trust and connection...hmm, idk...but well, i doesn matter much though cause enjoying the time spend with the people who is a part of your life means more..hmm..the ride home was pretty funny cause we wanted to talk to each other but were too shy..haha..he asked me whats the time...LOL..haha! and in the end i asked him (something) and lala, he asked for my number (shy shy) haha..but like u can see the blue blue baluku aura from his head eg like u see a firework coming out from behind..haha..im just exagerating..just happy la hoh...(him) ok la, i was nervous, shy, excited, happy??, and still SHY..haha...but nevermind, i didn regret that shy moment..ok ok..

and now to the chum part..alamak, now photographers are interested in my blog..haha...its a good thing but a bad thing though..idk how to describe...but i kind of feel weird when they tell me saw on your blog that u are feeling down..hmm, i know they somehow wants to care in someway, but it still feel funny though..haha...sorry im being kind of straight forward..well, still appreciate that they tried to care and be nice understanding me more through my blog, i take that as a concern. Over viewing and probing to know more things makes me feel uncomfortable..

Isomnia

Can't seem to fall asleep. My head is filled with stuff. Heart is heavy and painful. Actually i kinda been a let down to my family for many years. I always feel that way. Daddy says discouraging things to me. I let mum down..So many things that i really hate myself. Tried very hard to make tham proud but in the end what i got is being scolded and i feel im such a let down. Wanted to just kill myself but don't have the courage cus i also know that many people will be sad. well, appearing to be strong outwardly doesnt help much cus the more i conceal it, the more painful i become. Again  and again, trouble approach me. again and again, i had to cry over various matters. this had been the 7th night since i started crying consequtively except i stopped yesterday but carried on today. hadn't been very happy and school is starting soon. The pain of holidays and the pain when school start. when can i really get a heartfelt, sincere smile onto my face? Born with a pretty face, whats the use? Born with a big eye, whats the use? On my face theres sadness, in my eyes theres tears. Done so much things that i shouldn't do. Walked pass so much crossroads making right and wrong choices. but still, im really unhappy. Saw the kites flying while i pass by a road few days back. How freely the fly how beautiful they soar in the sky. even eagles have their own trouble but kites are objects created my men and manipulated by man. Simply, they have no feelings. I feel freedom and peace while looking plainly at the kites flying. Thinking about life. Isn't our life like a kite and its master?? Being controlled or the one controlling. its pretty unfair though but thats the world and society. The ugly truth yet depicted on such a glorious and peaceful scene of just flying a kite.

lil' tots'

after lots and lots of crying and thinking. I finally realise that im not that happy while just sticking to 1 person, relying on 1 person so much cus it will add stress and pressure onto his/her life. Decide today to open myself 1 chance and to others a chance to enter into my life. Well, what i know is i did not regret. I simply experienced both type of love today 1) loving others and 2)being loved. I understood totally how it feels. Yes its tiring to give and sacrifice for some1 you love. Yet when u sacrificed, the feeling is sweet.

I went out with someone who i simply know that he loves me. Just that i keep running from the truth cause i know that i don't wanna have a stable relationship now. If i step into a relationship with him, he will be the one who is hurt very badly. I know he is true towards me "chemically", "Physically", "biogically" and "emotionally" tested..haha...who will want to hurt some1 who is so true and sincere towards you right?haha well, but now just simply stay as friend will be the good idea. Cause its the time whereby we start to understand each other more.

I'm friendshiply attached and in love with my close friend. friendship is NOT ROMANCE BUT RELIANCE. relied on him alot and in the end, i realised that we're both tired. So right now, i simply gonna start afresh. Lesser reliance = lesser stress. I refuse to walk away cause i wanna stay.

However, now i know what i can do. try allowing myself to place my reliance on both the person i love and the person who loved me. Cause in the end, they will still be someone close to me. If i put my reliance on someone who love me, i know that he knows what he did was being appreciated.

alright..dozing off..goodnight.=)

Just a simple smile

Had been feeling pretty bad these two days. Just got back home from a day outing alone and i met with a guy who always pushes a trolley to collect drinking cans. I happen to drink a can of half empty green tea on my way home and gaved it to him. The smile in return he gaved me was so priceless. It just brings life onto me. It brightens up and clears the gloom away from my heart. Just a simple can collector who lead a life of poverty and without education could brighten someone life with just a smile. the smile was so sincere, heart felt and filled with gratitude. I feel happy and in the mean time, was moved to tears as i slowly walk down the corridors and stairs before i reached home.

Today in the afternoon, i went to the national museum of singapore because they have this Quest for immortality exhibition. and its free for student! so i will be going again tomorrow cause i wanna learn more. Took a few pictures today.

when i walked near the mummies, i thought they were fake ones but than after i smell the very strong antiseptic smell as i walked nearer to the exhibits, i started to believe. The feeling of mystic came dwelling inside of me, i start to feel pressurized yet amazed at the creation and how small sized the mummies were. The things that shock me most today read on-

The process of mummification

Shortly after death the body would be taken to a tent known as the "ibw" the place of purification. There it would be thoroughly washed in a solution of natron (a naturally occurring compound of sodium carbonate and sodium bicarbonate) before being taken to another tent known as the "per nefer" the house of beauty. Here the actual mummification process would take place.






The viscera (internal organs) were removed and dried, rinsed, bandaged and then placed in canopic jars or parcels which were placed with the body. These canopic jars would be decorated with the images of the "four sons of Horus". From the 18th Dynasty onwards, the stoppers of canopic jars were fashioned into the forms of the heads of each of the four gods:


HAPY
The baboon headed god who protected the lungs. His cardinal point was North.


IMSETY
The human headed god who protected the liver. His cardinal point was South.


DUAMUTEF
The jackal headed god who protected the stomach. His cardinal point was East.

QEBEHSENUEF

The falcon headed god who protected the intestines. His cardinal point was West.

That means the organs of the king were taken out of the body and placed in jars(how scary)
After the removal and preservation of the internal organs, dry natron would be moulded over the corpse and possibly also inserted into the body cavity, in order to assist desiccation. The body would be left to thoroughly dehydrate for some forty days.

Once dried out, the temporary stuffing would be removed, with any dried body parts being retained for burial, and the body cavity would be re-stuffed and packed out with bags of clean natron, resin soaked bandages and various sweet smelling aromatics. The brain cavity was filled with resin or linen, the openings in the skull packed and artificial eyes often added.


The whole body would be coated in resin, and cosmetics were sometimes added in order to give the body its final life-like appearance. Whilst the body was then completely bandaged up, amulets would be inserted between the wrappings in the appropriate places as described in the Book of the Dead. Bandaging the body would take around fifteen days.




A very important part of the outer mummy was a death mask, placed over the head to provide an idealised image of the deceased as a resurrected being. The mask played a crucial symbolic role, for it signified the elevation of the dead person to a higher plane of existence in the afterlife.


Proudly adapted form: http://www.egyptologyonline.com/mummification.htm

 

25th march

Went to funan today...weeee....cause lester, brandon and the rest were working there..hmm, bought bubble tea for them..haha..make me so happy.and i buy 2 mouse for myself!!yes!!!ok im kind of a cheapo..haha...cus i didn go for the brand..lols, i bought a wired mouse @ $7 and a wireless one @ $18..cheap right..cus i know, things that goes under my hand the result is into the rubbish bin..haha..
hmm, but the design not bad la hoh..

and later in the evening went to makan with my church friends at sakae sushi...so thankful and grateful for the meal, well of cus i didn pay a single cent..

him

Have you tried so hard just to please a person???it really seem so tired that everytime you have to put down your dignity just to appease the situation. Cried really hard when i reach home today(of cause mum and dad doesn't know it) took the wireless internet out and got scolding by my brother. I really feel very terrible. What did i get in the end?? Actually nothing. well i brought it out cause its for my friend to use. But in the end, i was so upset with my friend for giving me attitude through his body language. I feel really terrible. Well its not all his fault. I was feeling so down at that moment and his body language really pissed me off. In the end, he still denied that he gave me attitude. well, not totally his fault too. cause he may not know what he showed to people from his body language. EVERYONE can just put up a front on the face, acting that you are happy, but the body language won't lie. So all and all, i spend today holding my tears really hard. I know i'm a very emotional person. I cried really easily. Used to be a strong girl. However, the hurts and pain in life weakens me. They just makes me learn how to walk again.. How to stand up when i fall down. How to kneel down humbly even when i made no mistakes.
I feel very painful when i have to admit my wrongs when i didn't do it. But why i do it?Cause i really want to hold on to a cherished realtionship(of cause its not Boy Girl Relationship) and because of that, i really "discard all my pride". Sometimes all i can say to myself is that i'm useless that i am so reliant on the people around me or maybe the right way to say, i refuse to let go of someone i trust deeply cause i trusted no one but him. I don't trust anybody totally cause i have been hurt too many times when i gave my best. Been so many years since i put my trust and reliance on someone and thats my close friend. For everything, i make the intention to be transparent to him. telling him every single things even why i am angry with him and to the fact that i told him i'm jealous about his work. On the other hand, I tried learning as much as i can from him cause the best way to groom and not worsen the jealousy, is put the improvement on yourself. Through this close friend, i learned how to really humble myself, cause i am so afraid that he will leave me, not care about me and not teach me things anymore. I ever kneeled down on the public area begging my ex boyfriend not to leave me. casting away all my pride just to hold on tightly to the only person that i trust.

i always myself, i don't need to rely on people but i know i'm incapable of that emotionally. I earned more than my friends around me but whats the point? They found someone they trust and that someone is willing to stay by their side, for my i have to live under the fear that he will leave me anytime. what can i do? just cried secretly in my room.

well anw, today went to watch a movie titled "nodame cantabile" actualy i am not really interested to watch this movie. but cause i really wanna just watch it with my close friend and didn dare to tell him that i'm not interested i may not recommand the show to my friends well cause i'm not really a hardcore music lover and the show all the way is about music, was freaking cold in the cinema but glad that he is beside me. I'm really happy yet sour inside. happy cause he brought me out after so long, sour cause we quarralled the whole day. Well, i remember he told me this " aren't you interested to watch the show that i like?" this is the reason why i watched "heroes" and "nodame cantabile" i don't enjoy the show, but enjoy his company while watching the show. I'm so fightened after i watched heroes. I started to imagine this and that and its really gory and i hate watching gory movies or ghost ghost movie and i admit, I'M SCARED. As for "nodame cantabile" at first i was not interested but 1 character in particular get me going, thats the main female lead she behave kind of like me but i'm not so extreme. and as for the rest, i'm not really keen. Not say i don't wanna learn music and all, secret ly, i know i have the talent to play the keyboard but due to daddy's financial stuff and all, i gave up the idea that i wanna complete learning the keyboard. I used to learn keyboard at primary 1 and 2. but I don't know why in the end i quited( i forgot the reason)so just by watching the show, i feel a sense of unrest and a little bit of regret. However think the show will come out with other parts, i will still go and watch even its a boring show cause it is something that my close friend likes. I know he likes to smoke. haha..thats his favourite and i accidentally got paranoid this morning when i can't reach him. I thought he smoke till he died while sleeping. thats really stupid la, but its really a worry when u see someone so reliant on Cigarette.