Things I Need To Change

There are things I really need to change about myself and I have to be unambiguous about what I want to change ... after going through a shitload of worrying I've realized that life is really too short to put off what should be done because I want them done.


1. Learn to control temper.
2. Talk less. (A lot less)
3. Listen more. (A lot more)
4. Worry less and instead seek confidence and assurance in a solution.
5. Learn how to whistle.
6. Move my electric keyboard to my room.
7. Exercise more. (Seriously ... a ... lot ... more)
8. Cure public speaking phobia.
9. Be less social. (Feeling attached to others can and will hurt you)
10. Talk to girls less.
11. Learn to tell people to 'Fuck Off" in their face. (christianity spreaders)
12. Learn to say 'No' whenever there is presence of reluctance within me.
13. Get used to wearing office attire. (Fuck you Corporate World !@#!@!!)
14. Eat properly.
15. Make my 20 smokes actually feel like 20 smokes (Stop sharing my cigs)
16, Learn to make one-shot reverse park. (Like Adrian)
17. Lose weight. (I'm fucking fat can???)
18. Not race with other cars on highway anymore.
19, Learn to cook with wok and not just shitty electric stove.
20. Be able to do at least 100 push-ups without feeling like life is slipping away.
21. Stop flirting.
22. Learn guitar.
23. Learn drums.
24. Learn how to play Goldberg Variation #14 on the PIANO.
25. Kick my uncle Chin Ark in his balls.
26. - - - and slap his wife.
27. Prepare to fight their son when he grows up and I'm like 40 when he is 20.
28. Start being more cocky about things as it shows confidence.
29. Not give a flying fuck about who gives a fuck.
30. Get over phobia of books. (Lol ... I mean learn how to read lah ...)
31. Get used to condoms.



Seriously, these are things have been shelfed for like the longest time and nothing has been done except bitching and bitching and bitching. It is just ridiculous. I should go up to people like Liz and Jin and Ling to ask them just what the fuck happened to me. Maybe its because, since school ended its like there is no one there to chase you and then you just lose this motivating drive that pushes you forward. That feeling of irritation and frustration of all those insults the teachers throw at you make you want to go out there and show them otherwise.


Its a crying shame, all this while I seemed to hate authority when in fact I may be more comfortable in chains than in freedom. Fuck ...


Robot Chicken has the greatest quote about women ever!!!
Its from the Dragon Ball Chrismas Special episode ... =p


Santa: She's grown too gigantic and unstable!!! Women ... am I right fellas???

Once Again ,,,,

I write such a disgusting entry when I'm upset ... so pathetic.


Anyhow, am still really really pissed and have also come down with a slight fever. With the fever comes no appetite, have not eaten anything since Friday night (except smoke) ... bears store up fat to survive the winter. Judgiing by how fat I am, I should be able to live a couple of days without having to eat right? Check out my 34 inch waist line ~ ... but have been drinking a lot though!!! - a lot of water, and tea, and mamak drinks, and ... whiskey.


I hate the way I can drink all I want and never get drunk. Getting drunk is like an escape tunnel from the cave-in of life, and I have been physically denied this luxury. I abhore this, its really sad ... I drink and drink and drink and vomit and vomit and vomit and slip down and fall asleep before I grow the balls to dance on the table, get into fights or feel up all the guys and girls ...


I miss days of yore, the days of the pill. I miss the time I was drunk on a chair at a party and the girl I hooked up with came up to me to give me a blow ... and I threw up all over her ... lol. Those were the days ...


Makes me feel even more depressed ... my old buddy just had to call me up for advice earlier this afternoon ... wrong timing, we had about an hours worth of good conversation ... must he have had brung up the past? Was it necessary ... maybe I should have just made it clear to him that I was not in the condition to talk, I feel even more pissed and sad now =/ ... sigh.


What are friends for???

Rainbows

Ahh. my life ... a giant The-Day-After-Tomorrow style thunderstorm with a black and white rainbow waiting for me at the end. After today, I have learned that talking too much is not good. I swear silently and solemnly to be a more quiet person from now onwards. No one seems to bother pissing off the hooded, black clothed, soft spoken young man of few words sitting in the corner minding his own business.


And I prefer it that way. The pitiful creature I am. I wish depression wouldn’t come so easily for me. Wouldn't it be better to be dry-eyed, to be strong and able to handle anything that comes my way? But everything I am, my courage, my strength, my pride... it's all part of playing pretend. Pretend to be the person I will never be.


Hopeless I am in the sense that I long to be something that I am not, and I have been pretending so much for so long I no longer remember who I really am. What are my real virtues, I do not know. Perhaps none of you will ever know who is the real me, because I don't know him enough to revive him anymore. I just know that I am not this, I am not who I seem to be to most people.


They say look into your heart to find out who you are, but my heart has too many walls to break, too many bridges to cross, too many mountains to climb. I knew I built these walls, made these bridges, and formed these mountains. With time, I made them all. But with all the strength I spent there, I no longer have enough to undo them to break them down again, to discover the person who is locked inside so many layers and layers of obstacles.I'm too tired to do that now.


I feel like I'm at the end of a road, and there's nowhere to go but to plunge down into a deep ravine. I wonder if by doing that I will crash and die, or find the answer to where I am supposed to go. Am I supposed to take the dive down?


To gather all my will, my beliefs, my courage, and jump? Or if I am supposed to do a U-turn and come back to... wherever I once was, to a place where the road had diverged, to replay history and somehow change it so I will never end up at the end of the road anymore. So that my road will keep on going... and going... and going with endless fascinating landscapes for me to see, to smell, to touch. For me to live through all of them, again and again.


Here is a quote off the Knights Of Cydonia:
"Come ride with me through the veins of history,
I'll show you that god falls asleep on the job,
How can we win when fools can be kings?,
Don't waste your time or time will waste you."


Everyone wants to be happy. Everyone wants to be rich. Everyone wants everything. But ... something happened that made it so that not everyone will be happy, not everyone will be rich and not everyone will have everything. These fortunes are gifts, priviledges enjoyed by people who don't deserve them.


Life is one giant thunderstorm, a thunderstorm where not everyone will make it out to see a rainbow.


Maybe I won't see any rainbows. "Look at the bright side" are just words that irritatingly overoptimistic people use to make people like me feel as if we mean something, as if we can do it, as if we are not low grade, as if we aren't snake shit.


But life goes on ... My life will go on, and I have a feeling that it will end in my own hands. There is really not much of a point living in a world where you have an obligation to humor the people that you do not select without reluctance from your heart, mind and soul.


At the end of all of this, I wonder ... what the hell have I just written ... it was all completely random rubbish that I will make something out of when I read it the next time I am angry enough to crack the bathroom wall again. It is time to take stock of the damage to my room.

Pointless Heartbreak

Its one of those days again, one of those days where I sit down alone and suddenly my heart sinks. That feeling of intimate mutual embarassment, the type of heartbreak you feel when you fight with your significant other, in which each feels that the other is feeling something, having once existed, its effect is not to be done away with.


Pain hardens, and great pain hardens greatly, whatever the comforters say do not assist, though it may occasionally lend a certain rigid dignity of manner to the suffering frame. One often calms one's grief by recounting it, and that is exactly what I've spent the entire night doing, recounting all the grief I've gone through over the past couple of significant years of my life - from the death of my friends to the physical and mental abuse of nevermores.


Walker Percy said that since grief only aggravates your loss, you should grieve not for what is past. He is right, but why is it so hard to do the right thing? How is it possible to not reflect on these things every once in awhile? The only cure for grief is action and I have taken many the latter in building myself a future without these irritating flashback of unpleasant memories.


Hell is a place of punishment where what comes around goes around. I've always thought to myself that I was born there, because whatever I do always comes back to haunt me. I remember once upon a time, when I was only 14 or 15 years old. A girl named Joyce was outspoken enough to come up with something that really made me feel like a horrible person. It went something like:


Am I mad? That's your main concern after shattering my whole world? Mad for what? For breaking my heart? Or taking my innocence away? All the lies? Maybe for letting me put all my trust in you only to be betrayed? How about the fact that you didn't have the decency to tell me to my face? Or the way you think it's crazy that I'm crying over it, cause you think breaking up is no big deal? Am I mad? No. More like crushed. Whenever I cried you would always make me feel like you would change the world if you could so it couldn't hurt me anymore. But now Im crying and you're not here. If I had the power to take my heart right out of my chest and show you how many pieces you broke it into, would that at least ruin your day?


Why do I always hurt myself?
Why do I always break my own heart?
Why is it that all I see, all I hear, all I feel, all I live in is yesterday?
I used to laugh at some of my girl friends because sometimes they just sit around alone in their rooms and start crying for no reason. Hell will freeze over before you see me cry, but it won't be soon that you see me laughing at them.