Mirror ~ Mirror

I just got back from Sahor with Sharidan, "Sahor" is when the Muslims eat before they begin fasting, I'm not sure if I should call it Sahor or breakfast. Anyway, I got back at about 7.20am and put some songs on my playlist. I took off my shirt and found that I was facing the mirror and as I looked into the mirror, I didn't like what I saw.


I saw a rather fat, tall guy on a bad hair day who will account to nothing, with no future. Staring further, it seemed like my facial features are all odd, all out of porpotions. My nose doesn't belong, my lips are like two slices of liver carelessly slapped together, my jaw is sticking out.


And I loathe the birth mark on my back, its like a tatoo that I was born with ... not being able choose whether I want it or not, I hate that.


I wonder whats wrong with me ... I don't usually waste my time being depressed about things that I can't change. Like my physical features. I know I'm not considered "pretty" in the eyes of the world, and I'm okay with that. I really am.


I got used to the thought that I'll never be what others want me to be long ago so I don't whine or complain. I'll never be handsome, charming, slim and all other things that a young man should be. But just this once I felt like a normal teenager, upset about everything that I normally wouldn't even give a passing thought about.


And then Liz came into my mind, I remember about two or so years ago we were in a chat room with Adrian or someone and I said something very modest when Adrian made a comment about how its unfair how I always have a wide selection of girls to pick from when choosing a girlfriend ... something like "No, in reality I don't and am actually very lucky to get a girl considering how ugly I am."


And Liz sent me a private message in these exact words, "Hey, when I first met you you weren't like that, you used to be this really confident kinda cocky guy."


I guess, back then, no one really told me I looked like crap.


Ironically, the first person to make it clear to me was my ex-girlfriend and her buddies. Its funny, the person who tells you that you're so fat and ugly that its unbelievable you have any girlfriends at all is the same person that tells you she loves you so much that she'll be willing to go through anything and everything as long as she gets to be by your side at the end. Even more ironically is the second, the same ex-girlfriend's parents ... who in the end realizes that you are a good guy and end up liking you so much they even get suspicious when you don't take their daughter out for a fortnight cause you "claim" you are busy.


It was such a blow to my confidence, I've never liked shopping complexes or overly crowded areas but lately I've found myself being progressively more and more afraid of these places. The feeling of uneasiness is so bad that I can feel the chill run down my spine when I walk into one of these places.


This attack of low self-esteem isn't even new to me anymore. In fact, I'm getting used to it. Or maybe I got used to it already. For the past few years of my life I've been criticized, stepped down, and teased mercilessly.


I'm always thinking that I'm fat and ugly and unattractive. No matter how much I try not to care for it, I still do. So when everyone else is going for the latest trends and fancy clothes, I don myself in oversided T-Shirts and cargo pants, because I don't think I look good in anything everyone else is wearing. I don't think I look good in anything, so I might as well dress as plainly and as unattractively as possible. I could be wearing ragclothes for all I care. I just... don't want attention. Because everytime someone looks at me, I'll think that they'll be thinking I'm fat and ugly.


Fat and ugly, fat and ugly, fat and ugly. Isn't that what's always on a teenager's mind?


For the past few years of my life, I tried not to attract attention because I'm afraid of criticism. I've become sensitive guy, I take things too much at heart. I don't dare to socialize much, mix around, or do anything that will make people focus on me. That resulted to a very un... uh... unpopular reputation about me. I'm the snob who doesn't make friends with people who I supposedly consider on a lower standard than I am. Little did they know the truth is that I didn't think I was worth their time and I didn't want to be a disturbance.


Man I am such a sad case, but when you have been in my shoes all your life, you would understand where I stand and how I turned to stand in this spot. But in actuality, I have a feeling that I stood in this spot to begin with. Nothing but a disturbance. I know all this ranting about all my negative points is very irritating to most people. All this self-hate is getting old, isn't it? It's not like you haven't encountered it in the past 10 teenagers you've talked to. I still say things like this, as much as I don't want to .... I don't want to say things like this because I don't want the whole world to know how really insecure I am about everything.

Another Face In The Crowd

I haven't been with any friends lately, and I realize that I really don't have many friends at all. Why is it that some of us are so bent on pleasing others that we have to fake ourselves? Why is it that some of us force ourselves to adopt a new personality just to get accepted to a certain group of people?


While it is said that one has to has these flaws to actually detect it in others, I don't think I fake myself to please others. Most of the times I'm one who prefers to avoid confrontations, someone who prefers to talk on a subject that both parties would feel comfortable with rather than to trail into a subject that I don't want to discuss about, or the other party does not want to discuss about. It's all about a silent agreement to only touch on the subjects that no one would feel annoyed at.


While that technique gets you plenty of acquaintances and manages to make people like you instead of despising you, it doesn't gain you much close friends at all. You'd be just another person who passes by people in the halls and exchange a smile and a "Hello", no more. That is where I lost out.


I don't have much close friends at all because I tend to avoid the deeper subjects when conversing with people in an attempt not to probe too much into one's secrets if they are not willing to share and to expect others not to probe into my own secrets that I am not willing to share.


But when confronted with the situation head-on with nowhere to run, I would tell the truth if I am willing (and if I am unwilling I would just say no comment or something similiar) instead of bending my values to please the other person. It's just not done


Understanding is a two-way thing. Treating everyone like how you would like to be treated, that had been my motto of keeping the private side of me secret. Most of the times I feel that when people question me, I would answer but I rarely actually went around questioning people for fear that I might accidentally thread on a particularly sensitive subject.


I only pick up the bits and pieces that they toss out, and that would be what I know of them. That makes me more observant. But I am still on the sidelines; I am just another face in the crowd.


Maybe I am just bitter. But it disgusts me, the whole acting thing. Fakeness. But perhaps I am part of this whole thing myself, as I fake out a tough exterior to fend off everyone rather than to get people to like me. I'm envious of those who can be naturally outgoing and gets along well with everyone without faking or hiding anything. Without the fear of accidentally stepping on someone elses' toes, without the self-conscious feeling that haunts me.


Perhaps things will change when I start to open up more, but that would rather depends, really. Someday, I will change. I just need time. The first step need to be taken by me, which is to open up to myself, to willingly accept my thoughts, my feelings, myself with open arms.


To embrace me. And then I might think about sharing myself with others. It's hard to admit something to others when I haven't quite admitted it to my own self. I barely even dare to examine my own thoughts too closely in my own head for fear of discovering something utterly alien to myself as a part of me.


Ignore me, I'm not in a good mood today.


Woke up at 12 in the noon today, I don't like it when I've somehow slept too long a period of time because I feel like the world is rushing by me and leaving me in the dust. I have to be awake to experience life, as mundane as it is


The sheer incredulity of it hits me that I can't seem to get enough sleep anymore, even when I have all the time in the world to do just that. I think I'm on a steady road to being an full-time insomniac like an old friend of mine, Fabian. Sleep doesn't seem to come as easy as it once did all those years ago. And when I do get to sleep, it's always disturbed sleep.

Please wipe that look of disbelief off your face before you proceed. Everyone whom I've told about it doesn't believe me, or at least even if they do, they think I'm psycho. I don't blame them either, it's rather strange to me as well.


It's just the same though, I cannot believe how one can be afraid of heights when I am utterly in love with high places. The views are always amazing, even if sometimes I scare myself with my much-too-serious thoughts of "What if I jump off this place, what would happen?" And a little voice would urge me to do just that. To jump.


But I'm still not afraid of heights, not really anyway.

Getting Closer

What is it that I want now? ... I want to have fun.
A week ago ... all I wanted was to be alone.
A month ago ... all I wanted was to not be upset.


I have achieved all of these; with flying colors in fact ... but why am I still not happy? I'm happy to the point when I achieve something and then the happiness just fades ... and I end up even worse and more depressed than before, its as if the closer to the sun I get the more I drown. I don't get it.

I Don't Like Being Used

No, I do not ... not at all. Today I went out of my way to pick a friend up for a drink and to hang out for a meazly hour and a half, when the trip there alone took me almost half an hour and ruined my delicious meal - I gave it to my friend to eat since I had to drive.


Stopped at Jelutong for a drink when we bumped into one of our other friends, and this bastard I just picked up follows him. Well, I'm used to that happening ... you leave what you have for something better - this is called "ambition."


What I'm really upset about is how helpless I've grown to become, there was a point in my life where even my enemies respected me as a human being. As of late ... I've only been getting the respect given to dogs. Why do I allow these things to happen? I don't want to let it slide ... my face can show a smile but my heart holds a grudge. These grudges hurt but what else can I do but to keep it all inside?


I give up.

All Apologies

All apologies for the post I am about to write, but all the events weren't really in my control.


I was at work when I got really tired and decided to get a little bit of sleep since it was so uneventful. I had two really weird dreams. The first, is that I was married to the sister of this prefect in primary school. Ahh the memories – this prefect used to sit next to me in Moral Ed. Class back in Primary 4 I think, if memory serves … we had the same teacher for one class other than moral, it was either Math or Science … I’m really not very sure, its been so long.


I remember I had a really serious grudge against him because he reported me to the strictest male teacher in school Encik Mazlan, either for peeing in the school pond during recess or for playing the “thumbtack game” (take a metal thumbtack from the bulletin board behind the class, stick it into an eraser, rub the eraser on table until its very hot, put it on any part of each other’s arm and wait to see who can go the most rounds without making a sound) with some of my Malay buddies in the lower classes.


Why I remember him so well is that:first - his sister used to be in my Mandarin tuition class when I was a little younger, I hated his sister because she always told the metrosexual teacher whenever I copied homework or played Go Fish with Spencer, and then the teacher would tell my Mom when she came and picked me up … and then I get smacked around the house until it was time for bed.

second – the bitch math (or science) teacher gave homework that she insisted be passed up the next day. Me being me, I forgot to do the homework because I was too busy watching TV and reading Dragon Ball to recall my homework. So I went to school the next day and asked him if I could perhaps borrow his homework.

Prefect Guy (PG): Why should I lend you my homework?
Me: Please la, last time you report me I never do anything to you also.
PG: Go ask someone else.
Me: You’re sitting next to me, faster lend me.
PG: No, cannot.

So I nudge him a little bit and started pleading again, this was when he looked like he was about to cry.

Me: Why you crying for?
PG: *CRIES*
Me: *blank ………*
PG: *CRIES*
Me: *slaps PG* stop crying lah like that also want to cry!!!
PG: *CRIES EVEN LOUDER*

I was more stupid at the time than in recent, so I panicked and made the greatest decision of all !!! : - I punched him and started to beat him up, for being such a sissy. The beating I gave him was quite bad too, nose bleed and chipped teeth bleeding through his bracers. He wailed like a virgin on her first night … and then the teacher came in, and I basically died in that moment.


He didn’t come to school the following day, turns out that his parents transferred him. Now when I look back, I guess I feel quite bad for him. But anyway, that’s why the dream is so weird plus, the fact that his sister is a Goth, I bumped into her at a friend’s friend’s friend’s party last year, she is still very short, only like 150 cm at most, and she has grown a lot … sideways … she used to be really skinny and all but I swear her waistline now is 45 inches or something.
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Now for the second part of the story, for some unknown reason … Eliza, KC, my boss and See Hoon were in my car. I mean, how in the hell is that possible? All 3 of them in my car at the same time …. too weird. But that is far from the weirdest part of the dream. I had stopped my car in the middle of who knows who’s house for a cigarette. In the dream, I had just broken up with Suet a short while ago and she had accused me of cheating on her with Yee Ling and Ann. She told her dad and her dad went around the whole of PJ looking for me, he parked the car and approached KC and told him he wants to fight with me. So everyone moves aside while we fight it out by the road …. Lol, finally my abundant experience in fist fights come in handy and of course I win the fight hands down. He was in some sort of frenzied rampage or something and looked like he had rabies because he was foaming from the mouth. I never liked him but I never hated him … or have I …. ???


Whatever it is, these dreams bring back so many unwanted memories. I thought we only have dreams in the beta stage or something of our sleep, I dreamt up all those things in only a 45 minute nap. I guess, science can’t really prove it all, after all.


Have to get some sleep now, am going to visit a friend at the hospital later, he had a really bad accident, he was speeding when a car came out of nowhere and he crashed his bike headfirst and flew about 15 meters or so before finally hitting the ground. Heard he is almost uninjured though – but have to see for myself.

Blargh ...

When I look back at my posts I still think they are lame ... wtf?!?!?


I've been trying to get back into my old writing style of when I was on Xanga, which in my humble opinion was actually more good than bad. Well, why haven't I been writing ... ???


I've been busy with a girl, whee ~ ~ ~ I could still write at night though but ... my room has been without water for 4 days. I just got the water pressure back last night and I believe that it was the greatest moment in my hygiene history! I have never felt so blessed after a bath before, I washed my hair twice and my body thrice - best fucking feeling in the world after about 4 days of not bathing.


To be honest, I've gone without baths for even longer than that but, I guess its the safety of knowing that you can take a bath whenever you want to. Since I had no water, I could not take a bath when I wanted to and thus I felt like shit.


The shitting, lets not forget the shitting ... I tahan berak for almost 3 days before finally visiting my throne. I'm the type of person that would hold it in perhaps - almost forever ... and I CAN hold it forever because, I am straight and my asshole size is as small as a straight-guy's asshole should be - (back to the point) I would hold it in forever because I'm am one who refuses to do my business anywhere but in the safety and familiarity of my own throne.


Now the water pressure is back, I just feel so happy that I absolutely had to write something. Since I've gotten that done, I guess I'll write something later tonight if I get back home in time for an entry, work at 7 to 11 and then going to Horus with some friends, and then back to work at 7 in the morning. And Von's birthday is coming up ... I think ... Simone's birthday has just passed too but she hasn't been online so I can't give her my regards.

Fool Me Once, Shame On You

Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me.


I helped my friend escape from his boss today and what did I get? - a promise from him to hang out or yam cha around 8pm today. Since I have two difficult tests on Monday, I can't afford to spend too much time out of the house trying to get me in the mood to study, but of course ... shame on me for trusting my good friend, Matt. So I ended up at Blitzone with Eric, Yew, Roger and some other guys. They were gonna go watch a movie and I only had 5 bucks on me so ... I didn't follow them.


At 9pm, I found out that Matt had promised Sun Meng to meet him at SS2 at Horus but Matt was in fact, in Club 7 at Subang. Sun Meng had been waiting for Matt for over 2 hours at Horus, misery loves company and so ... I decided to join him.


Sadly, when I got there ... it was full ... thank you life, for mocking all my effort I put into you. With great disappointment and a very heavy heart, I went for the first meal of the day - - - dinner ... which for a change, tasted fantastic!


Went to a pub after that in a final effort to enjoy myself before I have to force myself to study. Had 7 beers and still was not happy so back home I went, to have another 2 beers ... which was when a friend called me up .... "ma chao chee bye all my friends fong fei kei me tonight again!!!" he said.


Misery absolutely loves company, and so quickly he arrived at my doorstep for the lameness that was to be our night. almost 2 hours all we did was lean against his car and drank and smoke, neither of us really said much because we did not have anything to say to each other that we have not said before ... on our friends, our doubt that our being alive does any good to the world, our importance and worth to ourselves or others, our life being shit, our charity and goodwill to others always coming back to haunt us ....


I'll remember this conversation for quite awhile I think, I opened the gate and got out of the house with a pack of smokes and 4 cans of beer and then just plopped down with my back against his Saga facing the drain. We just stoned there for fifteen minutes over without even saying hello to one another and in a burst, he said to me .... "I've been through this with my friends before, but what the fuck am I ??? Jesus? Buddha? ... fuck them."


Then it just returned to silence until he said he needed to get up early in the morning to help boss out with work, he also asked if I wanted to help out too ... sure? Why not? Can't study in this condition anyway.


Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
I should be ashamed of myself but yet ...
Never mind.

Don't Do Anything Stupid?

I had to go make some claims at Selayang today and then after that have a drink with the boss, being the young me ... I of course talked about all sorts of rubbish to amuse him. I guess he took me seriously because before I left he told me "don't do anything stupid ah ..."


Don't do anything stupid? I signed up for college so I can wake up from my perfectly good bed in the morning to take an hour long bus plus LRT trip from my house to college classes when I can be spending my time having fun and learning the real lessons in life.


Biology exam was on the 7th ... it was hard and I think I'm dead. Philosophy and Microeconomics coming up on Monday, can't write much because I have to rest up and start reading. I'm not naturally intelligent so, have to work for the bread.


Apparently all my freshie friends at college think I'm really bright or something cause' all of them decided to sit around me and copy me in the exam hall. HA HA HA, what a feeling of horrible shock they will get when they come back after the semester holidays and see their big F for Biology ... that will teach you to copy D's answers! First rule of copying is that you should only always copy from a person that is SMARTER than you.


Stupid ass freshies ...

Finally

Finally, after so many hours of creating my own template ... the site is finally complete. Actually, this isn't my own template, I made a template of my own that I thought was really nice ... took me 8 hours ... it worked in the preview but not when I viewed the blog ... even after publishing. I think blogspot only lets you publish certain colors because none of the customized colors I used appeared after I saved and published them.


What a waste of my eight hours, wanted something totally original and since I'm not about to pay someone to make one for me ... thought I could do it myself, and in fact I did manage to make my own template, just that blogspot didn't let me publish it .... damn it?


Some call me David and some call me Darien but whatever it is people want to call me, this is my fourth blog in three years, in most recent blogspot I tried writing freely; as in the way I spoke in my everyday life ... that did not work out because my posts were more pathetic than usual and when it came to essays at college I plainly had writers block. Did not work out as well as I hoped, made me feel like my IQ level dropped by about 50 points.


I was on Xanga too, where I wrote decently ... it worked out well but because of bad blood and the fact that everyone was saying "which cave you come out from, still using xanga ..." I moved to a supposedly more user friendly blogspot, also in a bid to get more comments because I liked to read people's opinions on me.


Sadly, I was unloved :'( *cries* ... not many read and even less commented. But after awhile I developed a self-defence mechanism for not being loved and celebrated - its called "hardcore introversion" and lately all I feel like doing I do alone without the companionship of others.


Its good in a way, you just stop caring about others' feelings so much because you're too busy reflecting on yourself. I can do without any form of verbal conversation for days even when I'm at college or work. Just not interested in talking to people anymore. Perhaps I'm becoming gothic, or emo ...... fuck - - - - -


Well to sum things up, this is my fourth blog and perhaps I would want to stick with this one since I put so much bloody effort into it. (although it did not come into fruition)