8 June 2010

I've been out a lot the past couple of days because I can't stand being at home.


2 days ago I woke up in the late afternoon to the sound of my mom's sobbing, and wondered what was the big deal. So I asked her, turns out whole family is at war ... for some reason. My dad and her seemed to have a very big fight in which he left for Penang to escape her for, and it also seemed to revolve around my brother ... for ... some ... reason.


All this isn't very new to me, but still, it's annoying. I seem to be in a position that is normally reserved for the youngest in the family, the supposedly neutral party when the shit goes downhill. Maybe I should be doing the fighting for once, then it wouldn't give me such a headache.


Anyway, when going out to dinner with my mom 2 days ago she asked me how come my brother was such an emo faggot, of course, in her own words ... but relatively along the same lines, I told her it's because she and my dad spoiled him too much. Pretty obvious she disagreed because she started going crazy in the car talking about how everything that sucks in my family is her fault, like my brother's faggotry, my smoking, our black sheep status in the maternal and paternal ... bla bla bla, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.


Still, it's not in my nature to sit still when that happens, so I told her quietly and politely to shut up, in which she did the direct opposite and got even louder, so I screamed at her to shut up instead, which she did. haha ~


Still ... I feel bad. Though it seemed to fix things, because she was a lot less emotional after that. So I went to work, trouble free episode there ... so I stayed back late so I wouldn't be tempted to come home and sleep cause I wanted to be awake to accompany my mom for lunch. After lunch, she asked me to call my brother and ask him if he wants anything to eat. I told her he didn't want anything because I didn't call him and that if he wanted to sulk in his room he could sulk without food or water.


Again, feels bad man ~
But ... it fixes things, because he was so hungry and thirsty he had to come out of his room to join us for dinner eventually, since my house has nothing to eat ... EVER. And I guess ... that fixed things between him and my mom.


Maybe it's true what they say, in the absence of the father; the first son is always the leader of the family. I find it laughable and embarassing that the faggotry and dramatica that I entertain myself with in the lives of others can also be found within my own life ... sheesh.


Another thing that feels bad is that I've distanced myself from everyone the past few days because I'm tired and grumpy. But yet, I think it's a wise choice because I've been getting a lot of sms'es from people that can't deal with their own dramatica and faggotry, maybe I should tell them to fuck off. But anyway, I've not really have any eye to eye level conversation or contact with anyone the past few days, and for the first time, it feels sucky.


But I guess it's nice, for the first time in a long long time I don't want to spend time with anyone but myself. I've been reading the papers a lot and there is so much dramatica about the two Koreas and Israel VS all. Just reminds me that people are fucked up beyond salvation. But still, I feel bad for the Jews, throughout history they've been persecuted, time never changes some things. Still, everyone hates them, like every Malaysian hates Indians in one way or another. Maybe someday I'll find out why ...


About the two Koreas, I have nothing against Koreans except for the fact that my mom keeps spamming Rain and DBSK and whatever lame number name boy band dance videos which fucks up my connection, and my brother keeps spamming their mass produced factory made faggot music. I kinda hope they go to war, and I hope they blow each other up. Maybe then, no more Korean shit = no more slow internet or annoying music.


I'm tired ... lol

1 January 2010

About a week ago, I thought this New Year would be like any other New Year in my life, with my girlfriend.

It's been that way since I started dating at the age of 10. Sometimes friends are involved, sometimes not. But every New Year, I always have a girlfriend, or at least some girl I spend it with.

A few days ago I found out my girlfriend has plans, and I didn't want to get in the way since I didn't know any of the friends she had plans with, so I thought maybe I could the spend final moments of the worst year of my life in a different way. But I didn't want to get upset because it would look like I wanted to make everyone guilty and ... that would make me a drama queen. I guess, being as antisocial as I was lately, I deserved it.

At first I thought, maybe just with friends this time. So I picked up my phone and scrolled through my phonebook only to realize I didn't want to spend New Year with any of them. There were two friends I would have enjoyed spending it with, but one has a wife and kids and another has a boyfriend. I spent a night at work thinking if I should call them or not, because I really didn't want to spend New Year alone. But, I finally came to the conclusion that it would be rude to get in the way of love and family.

I talked to Cinda earlier today too and asked him what his plans were. Too bad for him that his girlfriend had plans too, so he said he would spend the night playing RoM. That was kinda the breaking point for me too, cause hearing him say that made me wonder if spending it outside alone would end well or not.

Resentfully, I told myself over and over again that spending it alone would be fine. So, I left my house at around half past ten with my my usual attire plus a pocket knife ... just like old times. I drove around aimlessly for half an hour thinking of where I could possibly see the fireworks.

Ultimately, I ended up at Uptown .... again. I avoided the top floor because if I bumped into Hafiz or Matt their necks would probably be the final resting place of my precious knife . So, I spent my time walking around and learning against the various pillars of the other floors awaiting the fireworks.

Time passed by so slowly at first, it sucks being alone during such festive times. But finally, the fireworks came ... and it was great. I was standing on the western wing of the 9th floor when Uptown launched its very own display and I could feel every explosion ripple through my body, ending in my hair and fingertips. I could feel the smokey breeze in my face, and the flashing colors disappeared into thin air 4 feet from where I was standing. It was dangerous standing so close to the explosions, and a big part of me wanted to fall back and watch it from a distance. Just as I took a few steps back, I thought to myself ... "Whats the worst that could happen? Maybe I could die? Maybe I could get burned? .... SO???" So I got even closer and leaned against the railings.
I'm happy I stood my ground, the experience was worth it.When it ended I, couldn't stop smiling.

I spent another hour there, but this time it didn't pass me by in agonizing seconds like it did before. It was bliss, I didn't even know that it had been an hour. I was thinking of spending the rest of my night there, but it was a bit warm on the 9th floor ...

I decided to go home instead. On the way back, I saw the park was empty, despite my expectations that there would be a BBQ party or something. So I spent another hour or so on the bench at the darkest corner of the park. Again, I thought of spending the rest of the night there. But I guess, maybe I should leave before I thought too much and depressed myself.

I'm not sure what to feel actually.I'm happy, yet ... detatched.
Maybe I should go back to the park and think this through. heh ~
And wow I wrote this all in 8 minutes ...
Happy New Year

1 December 2009

Birthdays suck.
It just makes you reflect on everything that happened since your last birthday and no matter how much you have actually accomplished, you tell yourself your past one year of life has been a complete waste of resources and that you have not yet accomplished anything substantial enough to allow yourself true happiness.


But as quickly as this guilt of existance comes, it goes.
Ultimately, you find yourself reluctantly content with what you have. It's a choiceless decision because if you aren't, you are doomed to strive for more, but either give up from lack of will or fail in your strive and wallow in your own filth until the next birthday when you can repeat this process once again.


But oh well, let's look at the positive side of things. My birthday was on the 29th of November. I ignored most of the birthday wishes and replied them a day after so I could avoid the spotlight. Then there was the birthday lunch with family and girlfriend. Food was quite good, it wasn't what I wanted really; but who am I to complain? At least it was free. =)


I passed by the clinic and Chong Hwa and Sayfol schools, brings back memories. How did I manage to muster the patience to take 3 busses there and back almost every day? I will never know. Perhaps it was because at the time, I lived in an age where instant gratification was not a streamlined necessity. Perhaps it was because back then I didn't keep to anyone but myself, thus efficiently utilizing the static time on the bus by falling deep into thought.


I'm incapable of that now.
I can no longer indulge myself in a train of thought that entertains me. I'm not sure if it's because I've grown so used to a source of happiness beyond the four corners of my mind, or if it's because I've become wiser with experience and more intelligent with knowledge and am able to think things through with greater haste.


I'm not sure if these things make me a happier person. I know that it makes me a stronger and smarter person, but strong does not necessarily mean happy ... smart does not necessariy mean happy ... happy does not necessarily mean happy. So what is it that necessarily means "happy"?


No, I am not emo.
Yes, I had a good birthday.
So stfu and gtfo.

20 November 2009

I really really really hate oversensitive people with serious emotional problems. They should be shot, so they do not contaminate the world. Well, fine maybe not shot but at the very least be smacked and told to stfu or gtfo.


Especially the girls. When a guy does it all his buddies will make it a point to embarass him by reminding him of what a pussy he is, but when a girl does it ... her posse encourages it by having a crying festival and makes it seem like it is totally okay and acceptable to be an unreasonable bitch.


But overall this new wave of oversensitive emo human beings polute the gene pool and will eventually condemn the human race to the fate of degenerate prancing ninnies that happily break dance around fire hydrants and street lamps but slash wrists while wailing naked under a cold shower immediately after being told their hair does not seem to be as shiny as it was 20 minutes ago.


Why was I born in such a time?


On other things, Cameron was written off House. I did some research and found out that this was to be for good. Why oh why? In every show also same, my favorite or second favorite character either dies or gets written off. I don't like Foreman, I don't like Thirteen ... I especially don't like Chase because he reminds me of Kangarooland language accent that Teng came back with in primary school that made me feel like giving him The People's Elbow. If you don't know what The People's Elbow is then I suggest you see below, it is the most powerful and damaging move ever invented by mankind:


MAKE SURE YOU WATCH IN FULL SCREEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

13 November 2009

I'm really bored. Friend called me out for dinner but I turned him down. Am becoming really antisocial lately, even for me. It's sad, at first I thought of joining him, but after 5 seconds of pondering I realized how much I would rather have dinner alone than with a few other people.


I wonder what happened.
I think I used to like going out a lot, what happened since then?


Hmm ... I guess that is something to think about.


But on other news, almost finished Streets Of Rage 2. A game I spent hours and hours and at least 200 bucks worth of 20 cent coins playing after school at Jaya Supermarket arcade.


Ahh good times. Carefree times.

11 November 2009

I realize that keeping away from writing for so long has rendered me inept. It just doesn't flow as naturally anymore. But I guess I'll write something anyway.


Today while driving back from Gombak I witnessed an accident. An Indian small truck driver was not watching where he was going when exiting a junction during heavy traffic hours. As a result, the back end of his vehicle grinded against and completely wrecked the mid and upper left side of the Wira directly in front of me.


I think it's pretty damn clear whose fault it is when a driver knocks into stationary objects, but this Indian guy had the balls to come out yelling with hands in the air.


It made me think about some stories I heard about similar encounters and how the victims always gets what they don't deserve.


It made me think about Hafiz and Matt that I have known for years, but ended up screwing me over for a meager sum of money that I could earn back within a week.


I tried to make sense of it all but it just doesn't seem to add up. I think I was taught well about the ways of the world, about what should be right and should be wrong, and despite what I do for some side income I have always tried to do what I was taught was morally just.


How can all these people sleep at night?
I really don't get it.


Somewhere along the line my mind drifted to religion, and I think I finally understand why people have faith. It's just so comforting to know that these people would be punished in the afterlife.


Sometimes ... I wish I had the luxury of that assurance.

28 October 2009

Gwen Stefani is 40?
There is no way she's 40.
Okay never mind I just found out that she really is 40 ...

Wow ....

On other notes, I think I failed FA.
Also, I have chicken pox at the age of 22 ...

Epic epic fail.