The last time

It has been more than a year since my last post here.. it is 2012 today.

A lot has changed.. but one is I am very sure has not. My brother. When will he grow up? When will he do things responsibly? When will he be more considerate? Sometimes, I just can't take it, man.. My hair has the pungent smell of smoke because of him. And I was ready to go to bed. Bleah.........

2012 - A year of change.

To be truthful, there are more and more doubts running through my mind now that the day is now closer than it was before. Will we get along well? Will I be able to live in another place and call that place home? Can I let go my feelings of reservation and start treating my soon-to-be in-laws like my own family? So many doubts, so many fears and the biggest fear of all is that I will be alone. Should I not get along with my in-laws, I will be all alone.. I don't think I will be able to confide in my partner as this is such a sensitive issue. It would be fine if it was just a weekly visit. But it is not. Plus, after staying in my new house, we will ultimately move back.

Sometimes, I wonder what we got our house for. Home is actually so important to me.. It is a place I can actually call my own. Moving into someone's house, it is not easy making that place "Home" because it is not mine. Rules, which are not my own, that I have to abide with. Habits will have to be changed, perspective, attitude.... Changes.

Perhaps I am seriously not ready to make these changes. What am I getting myself into? These are the thoughts running through my mind. We get into arguments because of this. Who should give in? Conditions are set from the very beginning 4 years ago. There is no turning back anymore. The only way is to move forward together or separately.

Am I ready to embrace the changes? Or, will I run away like a coward, afraid to make these changes and commit to my promise?

Money - Will I make enough in 2012?

This is the other stress point. Splitting is fine. But owing money is not. Where can I find the money to save when I still owe the money equivalent to my savings?

I believe that 2012 will be a make or break year for us.. The year when all our doubts about each other will surface..

The Perishers

8am Departure


Stay, I wish I could stay
You could call in sick
We could makeout all day
Or maybe take the dog for a walk
Have a picnic by the water
Just sit there and talk
But not a word about the future
No I don't wanna go home

Wish I didn't have to go home
I guess I could miss my flight
Say my cab got stuck in traffic
Couldn't make it on time
But I got left behind
I wish I didn't have to go home
I wish I could stay
If just for a day
I wish I could stay
No I don't wanna go home

When I've left?
we'll both be alone
can't be closer than over the phone
but the worst part of it all
I don't know when I'll see you again
will I see you again?
No I don't wanna go home
I wish I didn't have to go home

----------------------------------------------------------------
I like this song..so poignant... :( so sad...

after talking for 2 hours, I feel like we achieved something and
nothing..feel like it's a talk that we should have done for quite a
while now but why is it that these kinds of talks can never be at the
right time or place?I mean I know that obviously it would have to be
spontaneous otherwise it will not be truthful..and it is only after
talking for a while will all the other stuff come out because talking
about random things will trigger feeling about certain issues which
one did not bring up. you know, things like that...

a least I know he's going to be a good father because he is so patient
with me that I feel like I'm a spoilt brat, which I most probably
am..he always exposes certain parts of me which are ugly and I'm
trying to hide...I guess that is why I become defensive.

sigh..self centered ness is not a good thing... I hope I can do more
for him.

test.

So Far Away

I wonder when was it that I started feeling this way... can my feelings sustain itself?

When was it that we stopped taking pictures? Should we continue to take I wonder when only one of us is interested in documenting our relationship?

I hate this feeling.. the distance between us is growing everyday, becoming as big as it can get each day. Yet, I wonder if he realises..

Am I in this relationship just to get married or is it because I love him and I want to continue being with him.

I don't find that I need to talk to him anymore. I can do well without him in my life. I can find my own friends..I don't need him to listen to me. He didn't even ask if I am alright yesterday even though I told him I am having a bad pms and I needed him.

I know I am only thinking only from my side...

what do I really want from him?

Be with me

Results for this semester is out. My results are so so.. Good enough for me who did not put in any effort into studying at all. Haha.. I passed 2 of my core which I only answered like 1.5 qn each. I don't know how long more I can stand being like this. Always getting C and Ds.


Kp has finally managed to pass everything. :] its a bittersweet feeling... I guess my bubble has finally burst... I suddenly feel very lonely... He has finally moved on into the next phase of his life. Since this is my blog, I will be as self-centered as I can be. Haha... otherwise, where else can I be this way? I will be missing the days in hall with him around me all the time, being there when I need him to. Things will definitely change I know. I have prepared for this day to come and I will take it one step at a time. I wish I can move out of my single room... it's getting quite lonely for me. Seriously...


Bleah...


I have no idea what I am doing in my life right now. What have I learnt in my course? Nothing much. What do I want to achieve in my life? I don't know. What in the world am I living for right now? What keeps me going? I really have no answer.. I have no drive, no passion...


My 2010 new year resolution, which I really would like to achieve:

- attend all my classes. Haha...

- be more diligent.

- keep being faithful.

- be more positive.


I hope my grades will improve.


On a sidenote, kp and I applied for a flat. Don't think we'll get it though. Haha...

When the sun sets

I know its been awhile since I've written here. I just didn't feel the need to write down stuff here till recently when I found myself wanting to put my thoughts to words and Facebook was just too...attention seeking. At least here, since no one probably comes to read anymore, it'll be easier.

Exams was kind of like shit because I didn't put my heart into it at all.. I just couldn't see what the heck I was learning and what I have learned so far.

Not only that, I found that I have gained weight.. okay, anyone who knows me, knows I am not athletic. But then again, I have never been thin in any day of my life. Except when asscrap and I split up and I lost like 4kgs. That was really unhealthy though, and I quickly gained back whatever weight I lost. Now, I guess the only solution is exercising. I really feel the fats... it is making me feel very self-conscious and ugly. I know there will be people who will say that I am not fat and stuff. Thank you. I know you guys are trying to make me feel better.

Just now was cheerleading practice. I felt fat. It was demoralising... seriously... I felt the pressure to perform because I had some experience at the very least... everytime the backspotter holds my waist, I feel so embarrassed... because all my fats are found there..

Okay, enough self-pitying and bashing.. I feel really sad that celia can't be in the team too.. Either she quit or was let go, it is a waste. Reason is because she is really tiny and she had an interest.. really a waste.

On another note, I had a GREAT trip in batam with my fellow hall people, especially the comm people. Enjoyed myself tremendously. :)

God

I know its been awhile since I last had an entry..

I just came back from lunch and I was stopped by a Christian missionary on the way back to my room. I am not angry or anything, don't get me wrong.. I really just don't believe in believing in a religion just because I am scared of not going into heaven or just because there is impending doom and if I am not in a certain religion, I will not be saved...

I don't want to go into a religion because of that reason. But, I am glad she shared with me her faith and I appreciate that she tried her best to convince me. But, I just don't buy it. If I am going to initiate myself into a religion, it would be because I feel spiritually empty and not because I want to go to heaven or be saved or something similar for the sake of benefiting myself or "securing" a spot in heaven for myself.

I am sorry..but I think the Bible is a book written by men and whatever God or Jesus wanted to pass down, they have been lost in translation. I am not anti-Christ. I am just unconvinced of the whole religion.

feeling suffocated..miss my home..my family and friends..

miss saying what i want and know someone will understand.

Twisted Logic

I have been reading Perez Hilton almost everyday as a form of entertainment (very superficial I know, but well it's interesting. Haha..) and recently there was this disagreement with Perez and Miss California. Apparently, Miss California answered a question raised by Perez during the Miss America pageant and said that "a marriage should be between a man and a woman". The question was something along the line of whether Miss California thinks more states in America should approve gay marriages. 

Anyway, being a gay man, Perez immediately took offence, till today. But Miss California is also too much la. Seriously. In an interview with Rex Wockner (I don't really know who he is but here is his blog) she stated her opinion that gays are not born gays but their behaviors are developed over time. Erm....

I know essentially, in America, there is freedom of speech. You can say anything you want. But you don't have to be offensive.. I mean, you ARE Miss California right? Doesn't that mean that you should not make gay people feel like there is something wrong with them for not being "normal"? Seriously, what is she trying to do? I think she should just shut up and stop giving interviews. I mean, okay, you want to tell the whole world your opinion, but say that being gay is okay, as long as you don't have gay marriages. She is SO living in her own bubble!!! She should just dig a hole and crawl into it and not come out until gay marriages are approved in the future California. 

Anyway, I think having a religion is great, but sometimes, and I mean some times, it is questionable. People see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear. Whatever is written down in a book is always open to interpretation. Who knows what is God's real message? I would really like to know, too. 

By the way, I don't mean to offend anyone. Just to let you know, I have no religion. But I have attended church before, I have a sister and a boyfriend who are Buddhist, and friends who are Muslims and Hindus. I am not completely ignorant and I am not trying to offend anybody. This is what I think, that is all.

T..h...e  wea...ther issssssssss f.....u.....c.....k....ing.....H.....OOOO.....TTTTTTTTTTT........................

No excuses for this semester. I know I did badly. I know I should have gone for all my classes. I need to be a more responsible adult. I am turning 21. Need to act more adult like. 

Yeah right. 

I'm in love with Joe and Chet

To me, Joe Hisaichi is one of the best composers in this world. I am in love with him...even though he is a tad too old for me. Haha..

His songs are.. so moving... so full of feelings... :( 

Chet Baker too. I have no idea why, but I really love his voice and the way he played his trumpet. His songs are filled with quiet emotions. Even though some of his song have a happy title, the song is filled with sadness and loneliness. Frankly, it is quite depressing. Combined with the fact that his life was filled with drugs and violence, and he committed suicide. Sigh...But I still love him..his music I mean...

Sigh...Can't believe my second year is ending and I'm going to be a 3rd year student soon...so fast..........GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TURNING 21!!!!!

I'll write a wish list soon. Haha..just in case people want to buy me presents! :D WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH........Oh yeah my birthday is still far away. But I keep dreaming about it. Sigh..some were nightmare too..So scary to be an adult.....I don't even look like I'm 20 lor...Sigh..........

Water Wings

Fine. Do whatever you like. I don't care. 

Life in Technicolour

This post has nothing to do with my life. Just wanted to rant about something I read.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer apparently said recently that the difference between a mac and a pc is just $500 and a logo!!

That is not true at all! 

Think about ALLL the problems that comes with your pc that cost LOTS of money and NO guarantees!!!

1) VIRUSES - The pc doesn't even come with any free applications which can help you battle the viruses. These viruses probably exists because Microsoft ALLOWS them to. How irritating is that? Plus, to effectively battle the viruses, you need to buy an extra app which costs you more $$$ AND the protection DOESN'T even LAST. This means you have to CONTINUALLY SPEND to keep your pc VIRUS-FREE. 

2) JUNK APPS - A standard pc comes with loads of junk that you cannot even get rid of! Have you ever had a hard disk space problem and wanted to get rid of some apps which you will never use but SOME HOW, it doesn't show up in the Program Delete Application? How irritating is that? That you have to go extra miles to get what you want in your laptop?

3) SPEED and CRASHES - My macbook only crashed ONCE in its 1+ years of age, and that is because of the hard disk (not made by Apple). I can run many many many applications at one time and my mac will still give me the speed I need. I was doing video editing in Windows (installed in my macbook) and the number of times it suddenly crashed because I was running the internet at the same time was countless. So freaking irritating..........................

4) VISTA - I personally had not used this OS but judging from the reviews I got from friends and forums, I am kind of glad I am using a macbook with OS X. Using XP at home and with my macbook just really irritates me with the lack of speed and...other stuff. To the point that I just want to uninstall the OS. 

These are just some of the things I can think of. I used to be a pc user. But I am SO glad I bought a macbook instead in freshmen year. I am REALLY happy to be with my purchase and I am sure I will continue to be. Yes, buying a mac can be expensive. But compared to all the HEADACHE I would face using a pc, I can personally say that this is money well-spent. 

I guess once you yourself use a macbook, you would never turn back. Ever. 

This is

I added a new music player on the right! its on auto-on so turn it off if you don't want to listen to it okay! Actually I am not really a big fan of these kinds of music players but well..it is quite cool! Really! There are tons of music that I like (not like imeem) that I can find on this website! Yup. Haha..Just to warn you, the playlist is MIXED!!!! Mostly Chet Baker, some club music and some quiet rock. Haha..Suit my mood. 

Well, hope you don't find the player irritating!

Updates:

Hmm....there are 3 weeks more to exam. 

I just killed a cough (Remedy - If your cough is a cold cough like mine (meaning...eh no phlegm except at night when you cough like crazy, no voice change), drink lots of water!!!, drink ginger water!!! (it really really helped my cough), see the doctor. Haha..get well soon!!).

I miss shopping.

I have no money.

I'll be going to watch the Oasis concert with my sister!!! :D

I'm really living the frugal life recently. Sigh....

I MISS HOME......didn't realize it until I went home on saturday. SIGH....

OH!!! I completed 2 omc videos!!!! 

I will update the links when I finish uploading the videos to youtube! :)

Alright! Update next time! (OH yeah! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERJIE!!!)

Whatever's left

I must be lacking something in me. I know I am self-centered. But not all the time. I try to control myself. At least recently I do. Haha..


Perhaps things can't be changed between us anymore..anything that comes will only make it worse, not better or stronger. Because..I still don't really know what I want and...I feel that I have done my best till this date..


I feel that I have constantly tried different ways to handle situations and tried to change a little..maybe it is not enough..maybe I just want a little recognition. Just from ... I know I am self-centered..but I also know I need to be praised just by ...


People always wish for things they don't have. This is what makes human flawed..they can try to be satisfied..but try as they can, there will always be that little voice that says, "What if..."


I need to pick up something new man..just to take my mind off things.

Alice and Celia

Alice and Celia

Thanks everyone for coming to watch! Hahaha...


Its been rather long since I wrote something here huh..I've been busy so its been good. Haha..rather busy than not busy at all..like last year. Anyway, I think my period is coming. Hence I found the need to blog. But in any case, its been good. Yup..just wanted to say that.

8am departure

Hi everyone..


7 Feb (Saturday) is my hall's stage production..and as you guys all know im the lead. Haha..If anyone wants to watch please feel free to sms me (preferably) or call me (if you have no choice).


The ticket is $15 and the title of the play is called Alice and Celia. It is about Alice and her sad life. Serious. Haha..but it's really nice. It is not a comedy so yeah..Haha..


I am going home tomorrow..I really can't wait. I miss home.. :( and everyone who made the house empty.

I love my home. It cannot be compared to anywhere else.

Exams are over..


My laptop internal HD has died on me suddenly. I believe it is a hardware problem hence it can't be fixed. Stupid Seagate. It's only 1 years old in my laptop lor. Unless it is recycled la. Bloody shit man...I have not brought it to the shop yet but have tried putting my HD into another lappy..doesn't work..If only Seagate will give me my money to get back my lost pictures since they are the ones who made this crappy HD.


Anyway..on a different note, I have been rather interested in clothes after having watched some runway shows via iTunes podcasts. Even making my own clothes sounds appealing..I went shopping today and bought some stuff amounting to over $200!!! Welll....I can't say I didn't enjoy myself though. Haha..


I wonder what I can do well in...certainly not math..I cannot forsee myself doing something remotely related to this. I can't even do mental sums. Sigh............

Is Michael Jackson dead???

Read it here.

So bizarre and weird.

Edit: Okay some other website claims that this "The Onion" reports are mostly satirical. Well..Haha..it would have been more interesting if this story is true huh. Haha..shit. I am so gullible. 

Obama won. Now I hope he will do a good job and not let everyone who were inspired by him down.


My dear Mr Michael Chrichton has passed away due to cancer. I feel sad that there will no longer be any new books from him and any exciting new debates my sister and I can have about his new book. Sigh....But he sure wrote some very very memorable books and my sister has the whole collection. It is a sad event for the world man....In case you have no idea who this man is, he was the one who wrote Jurassic Park, Sphere, The 13th Warrior/Eaters of the Dead, Timeline (though the movie sucks because he wasn't in the movie-making process), Andromeda Strain (the new movie sucks like shit because of the reason given earlier. What a bad representation of the book), Congo....He also created/wrote/produced the drama series ER...and co-wrote the movie Twister..All his books are different in plot, character and theme. Yes, mainly science fiction but made easy to read with diagrams and drawings, and most importantly, good explanations. He was someone who really knew what he was talking about, especially in the last few very science fiction books that he wrote. Sigh...........No other author was like you or will ever be. You will remain truly one of the greatest in my (and my sister's) heart.


Oh and I just realised that..I chose to do my current degree because I wanted (thought) to do anything but science, failing to realise that mathematics is a science. Now I am in the College of Science in NTU. -_-" Doing something that is more "science" than anything else. Bleah. Fate. You can't run away from it.

"America's Next Top President"

4 more days before we know who is the next American president. This is the 1st time I have followed a campaign so closely.


I hope it is worth it because following the campaign so closely has me wanting to vote for the next American president. Haha..


It'll be so funny if it is Tyra Banks announcing the next president. Imagine her doing her eye-blink-thing.

Pre-exam Stress

Exams are coming and I am feeling *in a high pitched note* STRESS!!!


In this context, stress is a feeling and not a, how you call it? A verb? Haha..


12 more days. 6 papers. 6 weeks of work and no play.


Badly need a getaway.

I am whining

I just realised how easy it is for one to let go of a friend whom he or she hasn't talked to for a long time. I did that once, without explaining to her why I no longer wished to talk to her. Perhaps it is my karma now.


I keep hoping I'll meet someone in hall or school who I can feel very bonded with without much effort but the only person I found is my boyfriend. That wasn't exactly what I was looking for but I am glad I met him just the same.


I know it is human nature to want things you cannot have and once you have it, you wish you hadn't got it.


I miss my girlfriends. But I guess it is my fate that none of them goes to the same school as me and one of them is not in the country. I wanted to fit in in a group but I haven't ever since primary school with the malay girls. I wanted a great room mate but I hadn't and now I'm living on my own. I wanted to meet more people to search for a great friend but I guess it is more difficult than I thought it would be.


How bleak a picture I have painted for myself.


I need to reshape my perceptions..and let go of the people who have already let me go a long time ago.

Family life

My dad is back, and so is my sister, for the past week. I realize that the house is MUCH better with my dad around and seriously, I know why my family does not have disputes. Because everyone is not home all the time, when we do meet up, we concentrate on enjoying each other's company and not give in to petty quarrels. With the exception of my mom, who uses nagging as a form of communication. Which is irritating.


I want to go home...My dad is leaving this friday till, most probably, January when it's chinese new year, and my sister is leaving on saturday. :( And, I am stuck HERE. In the wasteland. I want to go HOME!!!!!!!!


Times like these I wish they all work in this island so we can all spend time together at home. But oh well...


Maybe I'm just being emo but this time when my dad is back, it made me realise that I need to cherish him more when he is still healthy and strong, and still able to hold my hand and bring me around. I really dread the day when he and my mom age to the point where I will have to hold their hands and bring them around. It is not a bad thing really...but I guess part of me still want my parents to take care of me.


I am so grateful that I am being born to my parents who have given me all their love and support. And also my siblings. Haha..I think things will be so different for me if I didn't have 2 sisters and 1 brother. I wouldn't change anything about my family if given the chance, except maybe hoping they will work in Singapore. But I am seriously blessed to be able to travel out of this island and explore just even a little of this world. It has made me open my eyes to my privileges as a citizen of this country and as a member of my family.


Now, I just need to get through university life...and earn some money. Money can help me buy experiences that are out of this world. Such as, bringing my mom to Japan and act like we're on Japan Hour. Or to Europe. Anyway. Whoever said money can't buy you happiness, is partially wrong. I need more money man...*Money money money, must be funny, in a rich man's world...*

After listening to the presidential debate, I can't help but feel John McCain is like, if not exactly, George Bush. I just can't help but feel that he is an old man who keeps telling grandfather stories and he even speaks like Bush! He doesn't really talk much about what he will do but just keep putting Obama down. Very irritating to hear him talk. I can just imagine what the future, or rather, the next 8 years, is going to be like if he is going to be elected. Bleah........Please vote for Obama!


Really hope he will win man..He just gives me the feeling that he will deliver what he says and so far what he is saying is SOOOOOO practical and soooo like what is needed. Change is really what he is going for and he seems really sure of what he wants to achieve. Plus, the way he speaks! I mean, minus the slight stammer, he sounds so down-to-earth and humble! Not like the arrogant, know-it-all old man that will most likely do what Bush is doing! McCain says Obama is naive when talking about certain issues, but at least he has some fresh new ideas. 旧的不去，新的不来 what. Plus, Obama can hold his own! Who knows maybe whatever McCain has been saying is being planned and scripted by someone in the background.


Haha..My mind is so set on Obama to win. I really hope Americans will make a smart choice. But seriously, I find their elections so funny. So much talking.

Dreaming with a broken heart

shit...feeling super down...hope it is a sign...and the song is soooooooooo sad...


Dreaming with a Broken Heart By John Mayer


check it out..

and...
I miss paris..
I miss travelling..
I miss the mountains..
I miss seeing all the white people walking all about not giving a hoot about the little chinese girl..
I miss the very professional looking hairdresser in Beijing...
I miss the picnic at the Versailles...
I miss staring at all the deeply emotional renaissance paintings and prefering them to the modern contempory ones..
I miss the restaurants...
I miss looking out at the foreign view from the trains when on the way back...
I miss that feeling of independence...
I miss feeling happy.........