School's starting!

Yes, reality has struck. School IS starting. After a few meetings and a whole day workshop, I finally realised that school is indeed starting next week. Yes, in less than a week! Where did the holiday go? Was there one?

Well, at least I did have an enjoyable Christmas, spending time with my close friends again... Pris, Roy, Lee Yee, my godson Keith... Small, but nice gathering. It's been a while since we last met! And now that both of them are pregnant, I can imagine my house next year when they visit again! Keith's already walking, and he can say "good" with his hands! How adorable!!

My table's not cleared yet.. I really should get down to it. Tomorrow's another long day of staff meeting, and another meeting after that to discuss the syllabus...

Really, where did the holiday go? I'm beginning to miss it already!!

Kids - looking forward to seeing all of you again!! Have you been studying hard?

Sick again...

It's either me or the weather. The flu bug caught me again. This time, worse than before. Last night, I was down with a high fever. But I was shivering under three layers of clothes and my fennel blanket. I popped two pills into my mouth, gulped down a big mug of water and went to bed.

This morning, I got ten hours later, feeling sore all over. The head is giddy with the loads of things I've yet to do and the leftover effect of the medication. The throat is sore and the nose still runny. All I wanted to do is sleep.

But I couldn't. Mum frowned as she entered the room cos it's still in a pile of mess. I got the hint and despite my aching body, I quietly cleaned up the room... well, most of it. Some things are in boxes still, but I it's in a much better shape than it was. In a way, I enjoy seeing the place cleared up too.

I didn't get much sleep cos phone calls and smses kept interrupting me. Also, the pending work kept me awake. It's hard to pull yourself away from work when you have so much to do. I really want to get down to school to get the English package printed out, but I can't seem to bring myself to... maybe the lack of aircon in the staff room prevents me from going there? I wonder...

Feeling sick always makes me reflect on life. Strangely, it seems like nature's way of asking me to take a break. It's as if some higher power up there is telling me, "My child, take it slow for a while..." It reminds me of the time I was cooped up at the CDC during the SARS period for 10 days, and how the viral fever got me staying at home for almost a month.

Well, as for now, I'll just take as much rest as I can so come January when the school term starts, I won't fall ill.

Gotta get some rest now... You take care, and don't let the flu bug catch you!

I did it!!

Yes, I finally finished my English package, and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing so much today. You see, it's all in the mind. And I'm glad I overcame that mental barrier, sacrificed some sleep and yes, I'm ALLLLLL done! :)

Gotta get some sleep now...

Out of here!

:)
deb

English Package

I am just halfway through the English package. Yes, I see some fellow teacher of mine wagging his finger at me. Yes, I am the worst teacher.. I am embarrassed. And with just two more days to go to my final deadline, my nerves are in a wreck. How did I get myself into such a tight spot?

But like the way I've always done things, I will get there. I will do it. I will meet my deadline, come what may! I will fight on, and be a shining example to the kids I teach, that despite the odds, the greatest enemy is yourself. And I aim to overcome this enemy in me - the thought that I will fail.

I will not fail, come what may! I will fight on! Now, back to my books...

starfish signing out!

3 Diligence

Dropped by school today to grab some materials for the English package. One of my fellow teachers came by my desk and asked if I were free on 23 December - yes, I'll be. (gulp!) "You do know you're a form teacher of a Sec 3 class, don't you?" "Err - now I know!"

Sec 3 Diligence. That's my form class. So, my kids. Now you know.... For those of whom I'll not be teaching, do continue to work hard, ok?

My ex-Sec 2 Sincerity kids - remember what I told you on the last day of school, ok? Especially those of you who are weak in Maths. Please make full use of your time to revise your Maths. Sec 3 is gonna be really different, and you'd really would like to be ready for it. You've only got three more weeks before school starts!! Start working now!!

Renovation Works...

My home's a mess cos mum decided that it's about time we changed the aircon which was a leftover from the previous owner of our flat. The wooden partition in her bedroom is corroding because of the water that seeps in and ever so often, the aircon decides to rain in my room. Just as I shifted the book shelf below it did I realise that the wooden platform is corroding as well.

The aircon's people here in my room, clicking and cracking away trying to fit in the new unit. Just now, one contractor came to see the windows cos mum wants it fixed. She has this paranoia that if we don't fix it soon, the window may drop one day. Brother's not really pleased with the idea cos that means additional expenses. "Is it really necessary?", he questioned.

She wants the house painted too. Just last week, the Elvis Presley pictures that I had framed and mounted on the wall in her bedroom came crashing down. Yes, all of it. So, now, the wall is patchy. With the corroding wood, the paintworks by the window has faded into a dirty brown. I guess she couldn't live with it. With Christmas approaching and guests coming over, my mum just has to have the house in what I call "showroom condition".

And so, Wendy's contractor just came by to see how much it will cost to give our home a fresh coat of paint, excluding my room cos I've managed to keep it in pristine condition.

Mum wants my curtains changed too. It doesn't matter that the curtains she wants hung up is just hanging halfway down from the ceiling. She feels it looks better. I didn't think so, but I can only prove my point when it's all hung up and I've to show her it looks ugly. For now, I shall let her have her way.

Yes, and my mum also wants a new Christmas tree cos the one we have is too empty for her liking...

That's my mum for you. No, don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. I feel it's all so amusing sometimes the extent to which she makes this house a home. If there were a Martha Stewart of the East, I'd think it's her.

Now, you know where I got my traits from.... :)

As for me, I wish I had more energy to motivate me to make a trip to school to get the work I'm supposed to be doing for the English package that all teachers were tasked to do. I keep telling myself tomorrow, but tomorrow doesn't seem to come. I'm embarrassed even to say this. I kinda like my home office which I set up in my room yesterday. There's more to be done. But I have to let the aircon and window renovation works be done first before I can do it.

Mum doesn't get it that I still have work to do although I'm home. It's funny how she nags at me to clean my room when she doesn't my brother. He gets to do what he wants while I have to do my part.

Ha.. I guess my students will find all these familiar! You see? Even teachers get it from their mums!

Gotta chao now. I hear yells of "clean your room" coming soon!

Sometimes...

Sometimes in life I wonder
Why things happen the way they do
Why we have to suffer
Why we have to go through what we go through

Sometimes in life I think
Why paths of people cross along the way
Why some make good of the link
Whilst others decide to walk away

Sometimes in life I feel
The beauty of nature slip through our hands
As we proceed to seek another thrill
Forgetting God's gift to man

Sometimes in life I love
Far less than I think I should
Loving unconditionally like the one above
Embracing people around me for good

Sometimes in life I touch
The heart of someone with my words
Sharing the inner voice as such
Better heal all wounds and hurts

Sometimes in life there are sometimes
Where nothing seem to make sense
But we go on walking this journey anyway
Cos sometimes, it's just some time to the end.

Deborah Anne Chew

Life and Lemonade

I've been hit by the cold bug that got me sniffing since last Friday. Maybe I was just allergic to work.. Ha..

I've got a pile of things to do for school, but somehow, I'm less than motivated to get started. Perhaps it's the holiday "nua-ness" that's kicking in. Doesn't help with my brother at home being equally "nua".

Today, I got up, switched on my PC, and the fitness magazine automatic wallpaper changer gave me this message: The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are. - John Pierpont Morgan

Which brought me to reflect on life and the difficulties some of my friends are facing right now. I wondered where I got my never-say-die attitude from. Perhaps, I've learnt how to cut the threads, to be less hard on myself, to stop blaming the world, but to decide that whatever comes my way, I'm just charging forward towards my goal. I remember the old adage : "If life brings you lemons, make lemonade."

I'm a determined fruit juicer now!!

:)

Starting the day right...

It's been a ritual ever since I felt right about it. At around this time every year, I'd start the day with Mass. The big guy above gets the first and best part of the day. It's about starting the day right, I feel. It's about starting the year right. It's thanking Him for all that I've been blessed with and a humble plea to give me strength, patience and grace as I journey on through life.

In silent serenity with the sounds of hymns and familiar prayers in the background, I am reminded that no matter what, I always have a save haven. I always have someone who will love me unconditionally and be there for me when I am tired. I am reminded that I AM blessed.

I begin to see my role in life as a guide. I am beginning to feel that God put me in the position that I am in for a reason. I remember my brother calling me "light of everyone's life". He said I brighten up people's lives and now, I also see myself also as a light to guide.

The starfish story has now been associated with me. Now, everyone associates me with the starfish. Thanks to my brother, who gave me that nickname cos he thought I was like Peach the Starfish in Finding Nemo - always looking out and reporting the latest happenings (in short, a kay-po!). But the moniker has since been stuck to me in more ways than one. And the more I learn about the starfish, the more I feel that yes, indeed, I am like the starfish.

I wear the starfish pendant my friend gave to me almost everyday to remind me of all the ways I am like the starfish, and of course about the starfish story... that I don't have to create a big impact to make a difference. Little by little, in my own small way, I can also make a difference.

Yesterday, a bunch of friends wrote me a card, penning down their words of appreciation and good wishes. It touched my heart. For all the things I did, I never thought I was throwing starfishes in the sea, but in fact I was. And I'm glad. Mum read the card and I could see her beaming with pride. She didn't say it, but I knew she was beginning to see the fruits of my labour. Thanks, mum for loving me and believing in me...

Somehow, I feel things will get better for this year. Yes, I feel it. :)

Poetic mood again...

I couldn't get to sleep last night. Somehow, pen and paper came into view and at 3am, the following poem was born... It reminded me of my JC days when I took up Literature. The works of Andrew Marvell... I really loved Practical Criticism cos we didn't have to study for it. Just analyse and criticise. How much easier can that get? :)

Anyhow, I used to write poems with Priscilla back in secondary school days and we promised each other that we'd compile a book of poems. We had the idea shelved along the way when we both became busy with our own lives. Somehow, we dug out our poems one day, and it got me writing since. Maybe, just maybe, a book of poems may materialise one day...

This poem is about love, about the voice of the heart speaking to another. When I was crafting this poem out, I had at the back of my head a story of romance, a war of emotions, tugging at two hearts, both feeling somewhat different. One loves and the other's afraid. But although different, they are somehow tied together by the sameness of a tension within themselves in deciding whether to give in or give up eventually. Finally, one heart speaks to another. Here is their story...

MY HEART TO YOU

Sometimes, I only wish I had all the words to say
How the heart feels; why it feels this way
I've never felt like this before
I don't know the future, don't know what's in store.

You tell me to give up, and to leave
This may be a fleeting moment, something too brief
You don't know what the future will hold
Neither do I; I just may be left lonely and cold.

But what I have in my heart keeps me strong
It keeps me going, it keeps me warm
Through sleepless nights just thinking of you
Wishing that one day, my dream will come true.

And whilst I take the risk that that day I may never find
I cling on to that picture I have in my mind
The day when your heart will give in to mine
That you'd love me like I did you all these time

And even if it takes eternity for you to feel this way
I'd wait and be glad enough to know that you will never stray
I'd travel the world with you and be your best friend
I'd walk with you through life's road, I'd hold your hand
I'd trace your footsteps and back you up should you fall
I'd go before you and be your shining star through it all.

For I've had my mind made up to love you true and through
Right from the very day I set my eyes on you
Call it chance or even an inkling of fate
I'd call it a meeting of souls none other can dictate

For who's to know what is to come
Beneath the skies of the setting sun
Shades of blue and hues of autumn red
Feelings of love were never meant to make you afraid

So slowly and gently I'd take your hand
I hear the voice of your heart, I understand
You don't have to explain, nor feel the way I do
Just follow your heart to guide and lead you

Take your time and find your pace
In this labyrinth of emotional space
Time waits for no other but for a love that's true
Words coming from my heart to you.

Deborah Anne Chew

Moving on...

Ah yes. I admit it. I've been neglecting this little child of mine. It's just that so many things have been put on my platter, I've for a moment pushed aside this side dish of mine.

But sometimes, too much of the main dish is too much to bear. And so, today, I've decided to return to my side dish, and seek a little consolation in the haven of my blog.

I hadn't really noticed til a friend of mine asked me - "So, you haven't been in a relationship since your last one six years back?" Wow - six years has just flown past, and now, he's going to get married to the girl that stole his heart from me next month.

Whilst the pain was immense when that happened, I'm glad it did. I don't think I'd ever be doing what I'm doing now, or be the person I am now if I were still with him. It made me think that sometimes, life brings you hard knocks so you know how to be resilient.

Sure, it's painful to always be at the losing end, when someone you love so dearly walks out on you, and even more so to someone else. For a long while, I felt it was my fault. I blamed myself. But after a while, I decided to walk out of it. Along the way, God planted people who showed me in more ways than one that I was far more worthy than the love I would have gotten if I were with him.

I've moved on since.

A few of my friends were left single somehow this year. People walked out on them. They were left alone. And as I hear and see their tears of hurt, of a yearning wishing that it didn't happen, I am reminded of my past. I empathise with them, but at the same time, I'd encourage them to move on. It's not good sitting in a pool of pity when you can move on and take flight.

I remember what Max said when Adrian left me. "Now you're free."

Yes, I appreciate that freedom now. A freedom to develop myself the way I should. A freedom to grow, a freedom to share my love and time to whoever I want. And a freedom to choose to love someone else who is worthy of my love.

And whilst I wait for that someone else to love, I enjoy life's experiences. I see it all as a journey to mould me into that someone I can be and should be.

We can't run away from the hurt, or what faces us always. Be brave. Face it. You'd get over it. And one day, you'll turn back like me, and appreciate all that had happened. Because you will never be the person you ought to be, if you had walked any other way.

To the two of my friends - you know who you are - take heart. I mean it when I say I see lots of potential in you. This is your freedom. This is the time for you to take flight. This is your opportunity. Seize it. Some things in life only come once.

And as you embark in your new journey, take heart and know that there's lots of people around you are supportive of you. And yes, that includes me.

Go on, move on. You'd do just fine.

:)

Tired?

Yesterday, I spoke with Pam briefly. I was supposed to meet up with her and Chen Ying later in the afternoon after my appointment, but the rain came pouring down and got me stranded. And so, I couldn't move off from where I was til the rain stopped.

While I wished I could have met up with them, the brief conversation I had with Pam got me thinking. Among the things we talked about, she asked, "Don't you ever get tired?"

It struck me hard, but the reply came out almost immediately. "Nope!"

Maybe I was on a high. I don't know.

Today, I read an article in one of the many publications we teachers get. It was an article about how a couple with 8 kids still manage to keep the family going on a single income. And all of them are happy. One thing came to mind - unconditional love. That kept them going. Yes, finances get strained with each birth of a new child, but he says it's all worth it. It's just a matter of juggling things around, and making some sacrifices.

Reflecting, I ask myself, why do I do the things I do? Unconditional love? Yes, sacrifices are made. I'm far busier than I was when I was working at NUS, where I could spend my evenings shopping along Orchard Road, or bake every weekend, or meet up with friends frequently. Now, I do these things far less often. Punggol is my usual haunt. I hardly step foot on Orchard Road, not to mention Suntec City. How does Carrefour look like now? TV Programmes? I don't even know what's on! But once in a while, I make it a point to take some time to give myself a treat, just to be by myself so that I can rejuvenate. Maybe that's why I don't get tired?

My counselling tutor from NIE dropped me an email to say she's glad to hear from one of the trainee teachers who was on attachment at HIHS that I'm doing well in school and that the kids are responding well to me. She warned me to take some time off for myself too, lest I get drained.

Yes, it can get draining at times. Doing the work we do is not easy. So sometimes, I remind myself that it's OK to slow down, to take a step back, to be less than perfect. After all, as Uncle Joel shared with me - sometimes, when you take a step back, it's only because it lets you make a greater leap forward.

Sometimes

Sometimes, life brings you humbling experiences
So you learn to appreciate what you have.

Sometimes, life brings you hard knocks
Just to keep you in check.

Sometimes, life brings you the unexpected
So that you'd be surprised.

Sometimes, life brings you treasures
But not always wrapped in gold.

But life always brings you lessons
You will always need to grow.

Something happened to me last night, and though I feel pretty uncomfortable with the fact that I have been misunderstood, nevertheless, it has kept me in check once again. It has brought me to reflect the things I have been doing. Humilty. I've to keep that in mind. That amidst the responsibilities, that I don't get too big for my shoes, that I don't be self-centred, that I look upon myself as no greater than any other, that I have lessons to learn, to share and to discover. Each of us have our own talents. But this does not mean that I am better in any way to any one else less that one talent. What one lacks, one makes up with another.

Philosophical?

I've only had half an hours' sleep since last night, or the day before, to be more accurate. I'm supposed to be sleeping, but there's too much on my mind now. Until I get that misuderstanding cleared, I don't think I'd be able to rest in bed with a clean conscience tonight. It's not a matter of who's right or wrong. It's a matter of learning to know each other's personalities better so as to better understand what's being said and the intentions attached to them.

Sometimes, I wish life didn't have to be so complicated. Like I tell everyone else - I am but a janitor.

:)

Back!

Hah.. yes, I've not been blogging for a while. For some strange reason, I thought that I'd be more free after the exams, but no! For a few days, I was hardly at my desk... Running around from class to class, doing relief and then invigilating for the O-level practical exam.

So, that got me busy for a while, then it was just meetings and meetings and more meetings!

Yes, I'm finally seated in front of my trusty notebook, trying to recall any significant events...

HIHS had their thanksgiving mass today. I love masses. Somehow, I feel that it's my moment with God. I speak to him, and pretend I'm leaning by his knee, resting my heavy head and pouring out my heavy heart of worries. Sometimes, I feel comfort just knowing he's there.

These few days saw me crying each time I talk to God. Maybe there's just too much in me to pour out. Maybe I've been keeping my thoughts and feelings in me for too long, and now, I'm just pouring it all out. Well, at least I know the big one up there is listening!

Somehow, I am looking forward to the hols. The last day of school on 19 Nov marks a significant day for me where I intend to run away and hide and hibernate. I just feel tired. No, don't get me wrong. I haven't lost the zest for the work I do. I find tremendous fulfilment in teaching my kids, in seeing them laugh, in seeing them achieve. It pains me to see them cry, or get into trouble. I see them as my friends. Friends whose lives I want to nurture and develop into mature thoughtful adults who will be able to contribute to society and for the good of others. I see myself as a beacon of inspiration for them, to show them that they can succeed in life no matter what happens in their lives.

This afternoon, one teacher realised that I came from a single-parent family. Slowly, she realised how I struggled through uni financially. It brought back memories. I'd rather leave it there behind, but somehow, it gets back to me. "It's OK." I said. "Eveything happens for a reason." She agreed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter what backgrounds we come from, whether we are rich or poor, or whether our families are perfect or not. What matters is that we are unique individuals that have our talents and gifts. It is really up to us to make use of our talents to drive us to high levels of achievement. It is up to us to decide if we want to take things in our stride, or make that difference. I decided the day my dad walked out on us that I wanted to make that difference - and I did it.

I remember in sociology class, I read about how divorce and deaths can affect children negatively. Sociologist found a clear link bewteen children from divorce families and delinquency. But yet, they also found another group of children they termed as superteens. This group, as obsorved, seem to display exceedingly postive habits, and even excel beyond normal standards despite the trauma in the family.

When I read that, I made up my mind - I want to be a superteen. And I worked towards that.

Think about it - when was the last time you said you wanted to be something, do something, be someone, and did something about it? It's called challenging yourself.

I've been challenging myself in more ways than one thought possible, even right now. It's not easy, but I know I'm learning.

Learning. It's not all about books, sometimes...

Marking Done..

Finally, markings done and scores tabulated. Along the way, I've learnt how to key in formulas on Excel sheets so that it automatically converts the scores into grades, and then another formula that tabulates the grades to churn out what we call MSG - no, it's nothing to do with the seasoning you put in your food. It's kinda like the average score of grades for the whole class... Yes, enlightenment...

I was busy prancing around from place to place helping teachers keying in the formula. I seemed like a guru for a moment.. Ha.

I've fulfilled my teaching objective for today. To mark one pile of journals. I could have done more if i didn't need to help with the formulas, but hey, as long as I can, why not? Tomorrow, I will continue with the next pile of journals. Then it's filing cos all the papers are all on my desks unfiled.
____________________

Babies...
Yes, two of my closest friends are pregnant. And they are both due next June! I will have my hands full as Godma again... But I'm so happy for them! :) I think my mum will have a nice time playing with two babies at the same time too

:)

Marking Humour

I really shouldn't be doing this, but I can't help it. Like Addie, I have begun to find humour in my students' work while marking their compositions... No names shall be mentioned here, but my Sec 2s - if you're guilty of it, you know it's you! :)

On writing about a traffic accident:

1. The police have classified the case as murdering. Fortunately, the boy did not die.
2. It was a fatal accident. The boy was sent to the hospital with only minor injuries.
3. Yesterday, Dennis Tan had a car crush.

On writing about "Students should never work part-time"

1. A student's role is to study. An adult's role is to work and raise a family.
2. Students will learn the value of money. They will save and be more spendthrift.

That being said, there were some words of wisdom...

"If you find yourself working so hard til you drop just to earn as much money as possible, then there is something wrong."

"If students work part-time, they will not have enough time to do their homework or spend time with their family."

It's things like these that keep you going through two hundred over scripts to mark...

:)

Time Fulfilled

Yesterday was a fulfilling day. Somehow, I like my day packed. It's like maximising the limited time I have. Taking stock...

1. 7am - checked emails, got things printed out, replied to email
2. 7.40am - had a good long conversation with a friend on the phone. Managed to get lots of things sorted out.
3. 8.30am - started marking the comprehension exam scripts I took over from a fellow teacher.
4. 8.40am - invigilated a Literature paper for an hour
5. 10.30am - scooted off early from school to get to the polyclinic cos the congestion in the chest still didn't go away.
6. 11.15am - continued marking while waiting an hour plus for the doctor - managed to clear the cloze passage and half of the compre questions from the first passage.
7. 12.45pm - doc told me I was stressed and told me to rest, do light exercise (read walk... am I getting old or what!!?)
8. 1.00pm - took a bus and MRT to HarbourFront. Silly me missed the Outram stop to change to the NEL. Had to take the train back from Redhill.
9. 2.20pm - plonked myself at Starbucks for three good hours with a grande cup of hot cocoa and chocolate biscotti to finish up the rest of the marking.
10. 5.10pm - finished all the marking... all 40 scripts, with marks all tabulated!
11. 5.25pm - replied an SMS to a friend and decided to treat myself with window shopping... OK, shopping. I got myself a good bargain at Fila.
12. 6.30pm - went swimming for an hour... after all, the doctor did say I needed light exercise, right?
13. 8.00pm - met a friend for dinner followed by a discussion of sorts
14. 9.40pm - made my way back home.. well, did a little detour so ended up home later than I should! :)
15. 11.00pm - home. Plugged in my laptop, checked more emails, did some work.
16. 11.30pm - called a close friend, and had a good conversation with her til...
17. 1.30am - sleep!

The morning began again today at 5am. I'm feeling happy. I have a mission today. I must finish one stack of marking. Tomorrow, I have another. I want to be red-pen free by Thursday!

:)

It's things like these...

I was marking the end of year exam scripts for the Sec ones, and it so happened I was allocated to mark a question "The Nicest Person I Know". This is what one of my students wrote...

Among all the people I know, there is a person who I have a deep impression, is Miss Chew, our English teacher. She was a new teacher to us since the last few months.

On the first day when she stepped into our class, she would have the first impression of us which is 'noisy', as we were totally noisy. We were very happy when we saw her. We knew that we could make a lot of noise in her lesson but we are wrong. She asked us to get back to our own place and she introduced her to us and told us what she will do with us every lessons until we had our End of Year Examinatio. Next, she asked us to form our own groups and began to start her lessons. Her lessons are interesting.

The impression I had of her is that she is a caring, kind, friendly and patient teacher. She cares for us fairly like the way she treats her family. She was kind to us too. She was a friendly teacher who will make friends with you in order not to let us be scared of her. She was patuent in teaching those who are weak in the subject. She willf ind some time to teach us after school, going through those things we had made mistakes.

She has totally changed my life. I was poor in my English and do not have any passion in it and now I started to have interest in it. She always tells us that nothing is impossible and telling us not to give up. She had passed her knowledge of English to us and I will promise her to be a teacher when I grow up to pass my knowledge to others like what she did. She was the nicest person I ever knew.

Forgive her for the grammatical errors. When I read the essay, I was lost for words. I didn't know how to give her a grade. To me, it wasn't just any other exam script. It was like a confession in all earnestness. I put down a grade, but will make a fellow teacher moderate the marks in all fairness.

But that aside, I was touched. It brings to mind the starfish story which now almost everyone associates me with. I have tried throwing many starfishes back into the sea, and reading this piece of writing made me realise that though I do not know how many others I have made a difference to, I know I had made a difference to this one.

Another of my Sec 1 kids wrote in a letter as part of a writing practice I had assigned him in remedial class that he was motivated to learn English because of my sincerity to want to help him improve.

Yet another told me that day that he has started to read the newspapers and is beginning to enjoy doing so ever since I started encouraging them to read the newspapers. He told me, "Miss Chew, I learn one new word a day, and I use it." "Good for you," I said. To think he was once a problematic kid in my class.

It's things like these that make my heart warm, that make me feel that this road I chose to walk is all worth it. It makes all the late nights with red pen in hand all worthwhile.

It pains my heart to see my kids try so hard yet they fail to make the grade. Not counting the scores as yet, I am crossing my fingers that they will make it through, especially those that had a change of heart.

Back to more marking. I have just inherited one more pile of marking to lessen another teacher's workload. I volunteered for that, with a smile. Somehow, it just felt right doing it.

:)

Dance Classes

My Sec 2 kids asked me where they can take up dance classes. Apparently, they didn't get into the interest elective programme of their choice.

Fret not my dears. Surf on down to the UAN website at www.uanworld.com Look under What's On > TNS Schedule. There are many dance classes offered by The Next Stage. Whilst there, maybe you'd like to pick up other classes too? Call Paige or Jiahui at 6735 5752 to book for your classes. They're very nice people.

But do remember to study for your exams, ok?

All the best!!!

:)

Busy week

It sure has been a busy week. So much so that I hadn't realise that I haven't been blogging for a while. For those of you who have been faithfully reading my blog, my deepest apologies.

For one, I have been busy preparing my kids for the end of year English exams. That meant extra remedial, extra marking, extra worksheets and notes. I had to make sure that my Sec 2 kids wouldn't fail their English, especially since this is their streaming year. Failing would mean they would be transferred to the Normal Acad stream. None of them want that. Neither do I.

I cannot deny the fact that the paper I had set was a killer paper. But it was good training for them. It was a paper that distinguised between those who are weaker at the language, and those who are better.

I have begun to mark a few scripts and though I am disheartened by the amount of crosses and red marks on the papers, I have a strong feeling they'll pull through somehow.

To my Sec Two kids, don't worry too much about the paper, okay? Concentrate on your other subjects now, and make sure you score for these!

I'd be tied up most of this week invigilating and doing up some report for some SEM workshop this Saturday. At the back of my head, I'm wondering how I'm going to get all those piles of marking done with me being away at the exam hall almost the whole day (and afternoon too, mind you!).

Alright - the truth sets in. I have to go back to my marking now... Tomorrow, I'd be meeting up with Pris and Lee Yee to celebrate their birthdays with them at Gelare... yes, it's Tuesday.. Half priced waffles and ice-cream!!! Yum.... :)

Starfish marking now...

Of Weddings and Marriages

Yesterday, I attended a wedding dinner of one of my JC mates. It was also a reunion of friends made some 12 years ago. We pride ourselves that after all these years, we still keep in touch, and attend each other's weddings.

As I sat down with my six other friends, five of whom are guys, one by one, they revealed when they are going to get married. Come Decemeber, come February, come July, come September - they will all get married. And wasn't it just in the afternoon that I was telling another of my friends that I've got too many friends getting married. Prophesy?

The guys have finally grown up. They look more mature and stable now. Even Raymond looks more grounded - or was he just hung over after the drinks he had the previous night? Raymond and I were the only ones on the table who do not have marriage plans laid out on the table as yet. Steve asked about Max, who couldn't make it cos he was marking. I said I almost lost touch with him. Steve asked why I wasn't hooked up with him since both of us are so close. I had half the heart to tell him that it wasn't so much me, but him. But I decided to keep mum instead. "He isn't ready to commit yet," I said.

Raymond is still looking for that perfect girl for him. I don't blame him. He grew up in a family where a role model never quite existed. As I looked at him, I felt a certain sense of pride that he still managed to hold his ground after all that's happening at home.

I had a good conversation with Adrian after all those years. I never was quite able to have a decent conversation with him face to face after we broke up. But yesterday, I did. I held my ground, and for some reason, the confidence I gained exuded through me. I felt the change in me. And I think that is good. As I stepped out of his car (he gave Wendy and I a lift home), I told him to send my regards to his parents.

I'm glad all my JC mates are all doing fine.

As for me, I felt a change in me as for once, I didn't feel a tinge of pain in my heart nor a longing of wanting to be wedded at a wedding. Have I begun to feel heartless? Or have I changed my perspective of things? Perhaps too much is on my plate right now for me to even want to think about yet another commitment? I mean, isn't teaching already one big commitment? I've got so many kids I'm answerable for!

As for now, all I'm focusing on is to prepare my students for the exams this Friday. I'm not quite pleased that I'd be losing two periods of Enlish with my Sec Two kids cos the VP wants to talk to them tomorrow.

Now, all I want to do is to finish up all the marking before new piles come in on Friday after the exams. This weekend will be burnt with piles of marking to do.... And I don't look forward to that!

:)

Getting it done!

Women's Fitness magazine sends me an email once in a while, featuring their latest articles. I especially like the part where they share motivational words. Here's one I'd like to share with all of you who have been working your hearts out just to see your dreams fulfilled one way or another. It's good to see you all putting in so much effort. I think you're doing well - keep up the fantastic work! :)

Here's the verse from Women's Fitness.....

Get it Done!

You have a choice. You can either get things done or let things happen. Letting things happen is easy. It requires no effort on your part. The problem is, when you just let things happen they will almost never be to your liking.

The other choice is to get things done. That requires your active involvement. It takes effort, as well as focus, commitment, discipline and persistence. Those things sound difficult, and they are. Yet just because they're difficult, doesn't mean they're to be avoided.

When you do what it takes to get things done, you'll get the results you want. The only way you can get what you want out of life, is to put in what you have. And that is done through your own efforts and actions.

Sure, you can take your chances and just let things happen. You might even get lucky, though few do. Or, you can step forward, put all you have into every day, and get things done. That is the only reliable way to build the life you desire.

:)

Yes, it's all worth it.

I was beginning to question if I was in teaching for the right reasons. For some reason, I feel that I've not been giving as much as I should to all the kids I teach. But yet again, I am reminded that I cannot always expect that I can do so all at once.

I am reminded of the the starfish story again as it was read out during the values inculcation programme. Yes, all it takes is for me to make a difference to one, one at a time. Slowly, I'd get them all back to sea.

Remedial class was fulfilling as I read the informal letters I got my kids to write as homework. As I sat down with them one to one, and read through their letter, I was touched that they wrote about how thankful they were that I was giving them the extra lessons at least twice a week for about an hour an a half each. That's like giving free tuition if you like.

I came back to the staff room to continue with marking, trying to rush through another stack of marking to return to the kids their work before their exams next week. My chest feels congested. I feel myself coming down with a bad case of respiratory virus, but I let my mind rule over my head for the moment. I just try to keep warm and drink warm water in the meantime, hoping the virus will pass me by eventually.

Only my co-teacher knew that I headed for the staff room early this morning in the midst of assembly because I was short of breath all of a sudden. I thought I was coming down with an asthma attack! Warm water and a rest on my chair did me good for me to last til now.

The icing on top of the cake came when my co-teacher came by my desk after a long CME meeting to tell me that they are planning for a series of talks on dysfunctional families - to share with students that although your family may have lots of problems, you still can get on with life. She pulled herself together as she told me that she told the P that she'd be glad to share about what she's going through now. I told her I'd be glad to share my story too. She'll give the parent's perspective, and I'll give the child's perspective.

I couldn't help but smile as we discussed about how we could go about doing it. Suddenly, I feel things are all falling into place. One big reason I came into teaching was to be able to share my story one day to teenagers from troubled homes, to show them that they can succeed in life, and do well, only if they change their mindset and perception of things. I wanted to show them that I do not need to be born with a silver spoon in my mouth to be able to do well. I wanted to show them that they too can be like me, or even better. I knew for what I've gone through, there is a greater reason than just building my character. And that is one reason why I've never lived my life with regrets.

Now, I am beginning to see it all as I had envisioned. The power of envisioning.

No matter what you've chosen to do, no matter what you're going through, some things don't make sense sometimes. But one day, when you see it all in a big picture, you'd realise that it was all worth it.

Hang in there, come what may.

As my co-teacher left for the day, she looked back and said to me, "Yes, it's worth it. It's all worth it."

Yes, it is.

Exams!

I'm beginning to feel what every parent feel when exams are near. Over the weekend, I was suddenly struck with a panic attack, wondering what I can do and how best to make my students improve on their English within two weeks. Suddenly, the clock seem to be ticking louder than usual!

It's 1.15am in the wee hours of the morning, and though I must be up again for school in less than 4 hours, I'm wide awake. I have just finished typing out notes for my kids on composition and comprehension skills. I hope that these will help them deal with the questions. I cannot but emphasise the importance of reading.

I think kids have it better these days as skills are explicitly taught to them on how to deal with the comprehension and composition exams. During my time, all the teacher did was to give us topics to practise on, and that was all we did. I never did understand how to tackle a comprehension passage until I entered NIE. Yes, I went through the compre section of the GP paper quite blindly. There wasn't much thought involved, simply because nobody taught us how to deal with the questions or what to look out for. Now I know better!

My drama kids asked me why I didn't teach Literature. Frankly, I'd love to. I guess I never did quite appreciate Lit until JC when I was doing Practical Criticism. Now, that's what I call a paper that encourages critical thinking. Until today, I find that every person I know who has done PC has the ability to think critically and are mostly creative. Now, that is what I call real education.

As I journey on my teaching career, I begin to wonder if we can really do away with formal curriculum, and exams. I am beginning to think if I should shout for a revolution and create an alternative form of education? I am beginning to think I am surely a non-conformist in the civil service. Now, is that a paradox or what?

Just a thought to ponder on before I hit the sack. It's about time. I need to be up at 5am. Good nite!

:)

Invigilating

Yesterday afternoon, I was told that I'd be invigilating today. Once again, I will miss teaching my kids.

As I sat in the cold computer lab this morning from 7.30am to 11.30am, I began to miss teaching my kids, especially my Sec 2 kids. Though I was in the lab, my mind was thinking about them, wondering if they were doing what I had set them out to do - an exercise on Newspaper Report writing. It's going to come out for the exams so I hope they will learn it well and get the hang of things.

Time seems to fly this semester and I hope they feel the same urgency as I do that there is not much time left to study. Half of me just want to drill them on comprehension and composition work, but looking at the piling piles of marking to do, I have second thoughts. I wonder if there can be a better way to do this.

The countdown begins. Come 1 October, they will sit for their English paper. For me, it's a countdown too. I'm counting down til the holidays where I can rejuvenate and recharge so that I will be more ready for next year. I wonder which classes I'd be allocated then....

As for now, I will just return to my marking. There's too much to be done in too little time. Later on, I'm giving my Sec 1 kids remedial...

Apart from teaching, I'm glad that I was able to speak to a fellow teacher yesterday. It was by chance that we engaged in a conversation that saw me getting know more about him. Well, you know who you are (if you are ever reading this), we all go through our own journeys in life. Some get it harder than others. But it's a path we all must take to mould us and make us a better person, the person we ought to be. I have learnt that there are no failures in life, just lessons to be learnt. And lessons are brought to you in life through various modes and medium over and over again until you finally learn it.

It takes time, but one day, I know you would have learnt the lesson of learning to let go, learning to forgive, and learning to accept yourself the way you are. Don't be so hard on yourself because I know you have been blessed with talents that not many take note of. When times bring you down, look at your little gifts and talents, and celebrate your achievements in them. You'd get by. You're not the worse. Nobody is.

As for my other friend who dropped me an email - yes, I look forward to the day when I'll see you all grown up, confident, professional and standing tall with pride, leading in whatever you do. Cast aside your feelings of inferiority and know that you can be who you want to be. Remember, you're not struggling - you're pushing hard towards your goal! :)

Thanks again, Uncle J for your perspective of things. I never did realise the real essence of giving until you pointed it out. Yes, giving is giving and not expecting anything in return.

How many of us can truly say we give?

Crying..

I've been crying quite a bit lately. I don't think it's PMS, nor is it depression. It's just me being in touch with my heart.

Just yesterday, I fought back my tears as I heard a fellow teacher of mine air her views about how youngsters these days take things for granted. About how they don't have the drive to work like the people of their age. About how because parents now provide for everything, the young these days don't see any need to want to study hard so that they can do well in society and earn their keeps in the future. She sounded exasperated as she aired her views, citing examples from her children, then looking at me, she said that it's because of young people like me who have everything in life that take things for granted that there is a lack of drive to want to work hard.

I kept quiet and controlled myself as I tried not to let the rest in the group see the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I wasn't as much angry with her for generalizing, but the memories of old flooded my mind, and suddenly, I fely overwhelmed by the emotions that flowed through. It was a good thing that two other fellow teachers whom I am close to knew my past, and about what I have been through. One of them spoke.. "No, Deb, why don't you tell all of us what you've been through... You're different."

I tried hard not to let my voice quiver as I put it across as succinctly as possible. "I worked and studied at the same time. I paid my way through education. I paid my family's debts." There you have it.

A little voice in me cried victory as I saw her face change from one of arrogance to one of apology. She didn't apologize, but neither was I expecting one. I made my point.

The incident made me reflect on how often we generalise people based on what little facts we have. We assume that everyone's the same. We presume that all naughty kids are bad. We think they will fail in society if they don't do well in their studies. The very same teacher complained about how her children did not do well in school, and how she told them that with their results they will never make it to society. I aired my views. In not so many words, I questioned - why do you judge your kids based on your own yardstick? Why can't you accept your children for who they are, regardless of their results? Support them, nudge them, but don't enforce on them your expectations. Think with them - where can we go from here and guide them to THEIR goals, not yours.

It's very much the same with teaching. Sometimes, we tend to forget that we are teaching individuals. Individuals that happen to be in a class. Individuals that have their own goals, and dreams. Their own gifts and talents. Their own problems and tears. It takes time, and a whole lot of effort to cater to each of these needs. But shouldn't we? Why cut out a kid and label him as stupid just cos he can't make the grade? Why don't we seek to see the other talents the child has? And nuture this talent?

Surely, in Singapore, it's a paper chase world. Qualifications matter. But I believe if you find your passion, and put your heart and soul to it, it doesn't matter if you have a doctorate or not, you'd be an ace at it. Think about it....

Just at church just now, I teared again. This time, it was for a different issue. Mass had ended and Fr Bruno said that his bishop in France told him that before he sleeps each night, to thank God for three things for that day. He asked us to thank God for three things. It brought me to tears as I realised how much God has blessed me. Three wasn't enough. He has given me so much. Suddenly, I felt unworthy of his great love for me. Still, I thanked him...

1. Thank you, God, for my family. For helping us stay together despite the odds.

2. Thank you, Lord, for my friends. For always being there for me, my inspiration, my pillars of strength, and my guiding light.

3. Thank you, Lord, for the love you have shown me. In all the manifestations of all I have been bestowed with, I cannot quanitfy the wonders of your gifts.

I ended my prayer by asking God for wisdom to know how to lead the flock he has given me, and for me to be his guiding light. In the silence of my heart, I offered up a few treasured friends in prayer, that God will bless them too with his strength and love.

Today, start counting your blessings, and be thankful for them.

Back to School

Tomorrow, it's back to school. The one-week break has ended, and like Cinderella, I feel like the fairy tale is over. Pass over the glass slippers and the pumkin chariot. It's back to bare feet and taking of the trusty old SBS bus? Whatever...

In a way, I feel that the hols were too short. For one, I felt cheated of it cos I spent most of it back at school either for some meeting or marking, not to mention more marking back home. Don't get me wrong. I still do enjoy teaching. It's just that sometimes, I feel that I need a break - a well-deserved break.

Well, as a consolation, the coming term will be really short. Two weeks, and it's the school end-of-year exams. There's not much rocket-science lesson plans that I have to think about. It's basically revision for the kids. Revision, and more revision. Which means marking, and more marking!!

Thanks Uncle J for your advice again. (Kids - notice: Advice is a noun, spelt with a "c". Advise is a verb, spelt with an "s") As always, I can count on you to give me another perspective of things. And I appreciate that in every way, really... :)

Watched Man on Fire on Friday night. Cool show! You can never go wrong with a Denzel Washington show. Gory, full of blood, disturbing but true. It grapples with morals - are the acts of revenge right or wrong? It's been a while since I caught a good show like this one. Certainly was a treat for myself over the hols... :)

Now, it's back to reality (ie marking). Is there a better way to do this?

Oh, just found out from a friend that she chanced upon my blog and liked it so much she read even all the archives! Well, welcome to my world, my friend... now you know part of my history!

Fatigue and sleep debt

I am supposed to be invigilating now as I am typing out this blog. But I'm at home resting after the doctor slapped me with a two-day MC to rest at home to sleep. She says it's an occupational hazard for teachers not to get enough sleep, and the aching shoulders I have is a result of bending too much to mark. She packed me off with vitamin B and muscle relaxers and told me to get sleep. She says 6 hours is not enough. I didn't tell her I was having less than that sometimes! 6 hours of sleep these days is like a luxury to me!

Yes, yes, I can almost imagine Uncle Joel wagging his finger at me right now all the way in Paris (Pah-reeee!) saying, "I told you so..." :)

Still, like a typical teacher, I dragged myself to Popular book shop to browse at assessment books for the kids I'd be giving remedial to. I just want to drill them on very basic grammar. It's funny how my Sec 1 kids all want to come for remedial.. I thought it'd be a chore to them... Guess times have really changed.

Tomorrow, I'd be sitting down with two groups of teachers - one to discuss the EOY comprehension paper, and the other to brainstorm on ideas to plan a 5-day work week. I guess with me having so little sleep, I'm certainly one of those who will be looking forward to that!

Marking - I went to Popular to replenish stocks of red-inked pen... Tomorrow onwards, I'd be "mega-marking"!

OK - my Sec 1 & 2 kids who are reading my blog... no, I will not be giving tips nor answers. You'd have to learn. Learn to study smart. Learn to anticipate what you think is important. Learn to observe. Observe what the teacher is teaching. Learn to focus. Learn to prioritise.

Education is not just about getting the correct answers. It's about a process of learning, bringing you from a state of not knowing, to a state of knowing. Knowledge makes you richer as a person as you have more things to talk about with in your interactions with others in the future. Education is about learning to pick yourself up when you fail, and learn to road to success. It's about learning to live and adapt to the contrains of society. It's about being flexible. It's about being creative.

So, although your exams is a guage of your learning process, I'd like you to focus on what you are doing - are you doing it right? Ask yourself - Have I planned my goals? Have I been focused and disciplined? Have I done all it takes to learn? Do reflections - What can I do better? Am I studying effectively? Is there a better way to present my notes for learning? What about distractions? Have I put them aside for the time being? Have I learnt to prioritise what's important now?

Ask yourself these questions, and you'd realise that when you've found the answers, and plan to take action, carry out the action, and find yourself succeeding, then learning will just come naturally. It doesn't matter what subject you've aced in - you'd have learnt what education means.

:)

My dear NIE mates - Addie, me, Chen Ying and Pam.

Teacher's Day

The teacher's day celebration went well... Yes, my first ever teacher's day! I was touched by my kids that wrote me nice cards (thanks, Rebecca! I was really touched by your note... and Desiree too... love the starfish!)... And Wanping and Limin.. love the pink star pillow.. Huimin - thanks for the door sign.. It's hanging on my room door now! And Justin, Sebastian, Maryse, Rachel and Joanna... You just made me a few kilos heavier with those cookies and chocolates! Thanks, guys... And Phyllis - love the cute teddy bear that's sitting on my desk... And all of you who sent me your wishes and other gifts... thank you so much! :) Oh, and my Sec 2 class - yes, I read the note on the wall at the cafe space.. so sweet of you.. really appreciate all your nice words!

And though I still had to finish marking so I could key in all the test marks, and then make my way all the way down to NIE just to return my convo gown, I felt it was a fruitful day. I visited four of my NIE lecturers - Raymond, Alex, Rebecca and Anthony Seow. Managed to speak briefly with Raymond and Alex. Had a good chat with Anthony Seow, but didn't manage to meet Rebecca. She sent me an email though, thanking me for the chocolates I left at her door. :) Yes, my mentor and inspiration... I want to be a teacher like her.

Rebecca taught me my counselling module. She got me so interested in it, I was reading up books on my own just to find out more! Of course, it helped that I scored a distinction for her paper, so I love the module even more! Ha!

Yesterday ended with a sumtuous dinner with teacher uncle, teacher brother, mum, aunt, grand-aunt and grand-uncle at Fish & Co. Yummy, but I think it set me back some mega more calories which I figured needed burning.. Burn I did this morning with a good swim, and just, an evening jog with Wendy. Happy...

I'm glad I refused to pull myself to work today, and decided to spend time doing my stuff. I think I was quite productive, but I wished I could have done more. Met up with Lee Yee too, and got myself another insurance policy through her. Don't ask me what I bought! I just signed and signed... She knows everything so I left it to her to plan everything... All I know is that I'd have less to spend from now on! Bring on the bonus my dear government!! I so need it!!

Oh yes, I've posted a convocation picture of Addie, Chen Ying, Pam and I on the blog... I wonder how we'd look like some 5 years later... I think I looked quite OK in the picture, considering I had not slept the whole night!

Yes, I can't wait for the hols to start, although I've got a whole day on Saturday in school - how to rest? how to have 5-day work week? a real challenge, really...

Checking out to dreamland now....

Chronic Fatigue Sydrome

I must say I'm proud of myself for accomlishing much over the weekend. I finished marking four piles of comprehension, compositions, summary passages, a cloze passage, AND even set a full comprehension test paper for the Sec 2s. I even keyed in the marks in my Excel sheet so it'd be easier to compile it all.

Tomorrow's a half day for us, which is good cos I think I need a break. As I rush through yet four more piles of books to mark, I think I'm suffering from either the after effects of not sleeping much, or from chronic fatigue syndrome. I do not understand why I feel sleepy ever so often these days, so much so all I want to do is sleep... Struggling to keep my eyes open now...

Back to marking... I look forward to the hols somehow...

:)

School life...

I must say I enjoyed leading the prayers in the morning this week. It was a little nerve-wrecking initially, but come Friday, I felt like a pro already. Of course, each time before I started the prayer, I asked God to let his words flow through me. And many teachers have come up to me to say they like my prayers, they like my voice... they said it's very clear.. said I should be the announcer for the next sport's day! Two students came up to me today to tell me they like my voice over the mike cos I sound very sweet and have a sweet face to match too... Aww.. thanks... *blush*

Back to reality, I have about six piles of scripts to mark by tomorrow cos I've got to get the test marks out by today (yes, I'm late!). I should be at the teacher's day dinner now, but I'm not feeling too good - gastric again. Mum's not too well too, so that's two unwell people at home...

Apart from that, school has brought me more excitement as I begin to get my Sec 2 kids better. It reminds me of my days back in school eons ago. Yes, the troubles teens face these days are very much the same as the ones I faced back then. BGR and friendship problems rule. I remember, it seemed like the world was crashing down on me, suffering one unrequitted crush after another. But the world went on, as other problems in life surfaced.

Now, a new set of problems face me as I feel the burden of teaching getting heavier and heavier. Sometimes, I'm just afraid I don't know when to draw the line to say no cos I know myself - there's no limit to my giving.

In a way, I'm glad that Teacher's Day's next week - that's practically two days of no lesson, which in turn isn't all that good cos I'm losing lots of lessons, and I've got to think of ways to make up for the lessons without getting my students to stay back. Anyhow, I'm glad that next term's lesson plans are pretty simple - just drilling the kids with comprehension and composition til they get it right.

Which brings me to a reflection of the PM's ND Rally speech - We should learn to teach our students less so that they will learn more. A powerful line which means lots of things - should we as teachers teach less to allow students to explore more? Or is it a case of less content knowledge at the end of the day?

Sometimes, I just wish schools could do away with formal exams. I showed my Sec 1 kids the musical Annie today. I've never seen a bunch of kids so attentive before as Annie belted out her songs in the orphanage. As I ended the lesson, the kids begged me to let them see the whole show, while some girls decided to make up their own songs as if they were acting in a musical. When I walked back to class, I was wondering - if only they had a subject like film criticism.

My Sec 3 Hope class I taught during practicum invited me for their class BBQ. The invitation came complete with a nicely printed invitation card (although with grammatical errors) and even a map! The name card of the liaison person was clipped onto the map, and the kid that used to sleep at the corner of the lab was bursting with enthusiasm as he told me that transport has also been arranged to the chalet! He had it all planned.

I was impressed. And it got me thinking... if only there was a subject on event management, this guy will get an A! I mean, if you think about it, if I throw him out into the world right now, he'll definitely do well! Now, what are we training our kids for? For the real world? Or the academic world?

All these things make me wonder if there can be an alternative form of education. A strong conviction in me believes that there is more to life than books. Ironical, ain't it, coming from a teacher?

I guess that's why, at the end of the day, I believe that every student has his or her potential one way or another. Instead of moulding them into fixed rigid moulds of the current system, why can't we mould them to what they should be - unique individuals to blossom they way they should?

There I go being philosophical again...

Oh well, I shall leave you with Tuesday's prayer as I return to my piles of marking. I AM ambitious to want to complete it all by tonight with this aching stomach, but I shall give it my best shot!

Here's Tuesday's prayer...

Yesterday, we learnt about GRATITUDE, about being thankful for the "ocean" of opportunities that God has given us. Today, I'd like to share with you a poem on FORGIVENESS.

When Jesus died upon the cross,
It was for gain, not our loss.
Crucified for what others had done,
God gave us His only Son.

We are often hurt by others, too,
And it's up to us on what we do.
Don't hang on, not one more day.
Let God take all your hurt away.

Don't be bitter, but be a better soul.
Don't let resentment take its toll.
Satan wants you hurting, for it's his way.
Free yourself from his bondage today.

If you truly do want to live,
Think of someone that you must forgive.
Is it parents, ex-spouse, children, a friend?
Forgive them today, and the pain will end.

Don't drag around a ball and chain.
Rid yourself of needless pain.
To be like Christ, it must be done.
Isn't it time that you forgive someone?

Let us reflect on this poem.

We all have been hurt before one way or another - be it by our friends, parents, or teachers. We get angry, and it spoils our mood. We hold the anger in our hearts and it disrupts our lives.

Today, this poem reminds us that we have a choice of how we can deal with this hurt. If we choose to dwell on it, the only person who will feel angry is ourselves. IF we choose to forgive and move on instead, then we have just rid ourselves of needless pain.

Let us pray

Dear God

You gave us your son to die on the cross for our sins. He did nothing wrong yet he forgave those who tormented him. Give us the grace to be like Jesus, to forgive those who have hurt us knowingly or unknowingly. Help us to let go of our past hurts, and appreciate the present life that you have given us.

Bless us all with your love as we say the Lord's prayer...

Morning Prayer

Today, another two teachers came up to me to say that they really like the way I prayed with the school. I am glad. But what I've failed to say was that it wasn't me. It was God working through me. Each time, before I lead the prayer, I'd ask God to bless me, and use me to convey his message. This was what I shared with the school on Monday...

The Little Fish

"Excuse me," said the ocean fish to the older fish, "You are older than I so can you tell me where to find this thing called the Ocean?"

"The Ocean," said the older fish, "is the thing you are in now."

"Oh, this? But this is water. What I'm seeking is the Ocean," said the disappointed fish as he swam away to search elsewhere.

Reflection
How many times have we searched and wished we had this and that - the latest handphones, the most fashionable wear? Or we wished we were in a better school, had better teachers? Or even better friends?

The world we live in doesn't always seem right for us, so we continuously seek the elusive "ocean". Everything surrounding us seems to be wrong. Everything, except the way we think.

Today, let us not be like the little fish. Let us learn to stop searching for that "ocean", and instead begin to take a look around us. Let us be appreciative of what we have, and not be critical of what we do not.

The ocean has always been surrounding us. Today, let us thank God for that ocean that he's given us all these while, the ocean that we've taken for granted.

Prayer
Dear God,

We thank you for all that you've given us - the opportunity to come to school, our family, and our friends. We thank you too for all the trials that come our way because it is through them that we learn invaluable lessons in life.

As we begin this day, may you open our eyes to see the ocean that you've given to us, and be appreciative of it.

Bless us all with your love as we say the prayer that Jesus taught us....

I really like the fish story. I think it says a lot. Many people have asked where I get my stories from.. well, it's from this book by Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest. The book's called Song of the Bird. It's a collection of short stories without explanation. It makes you meditate on the stories.

Here's one of the stories that gets the book started. It goes something like this:

The disciple asked the Master, "Why is there no explanation to your stories"

The Master replied, "How would you like it if someone gives you some fruit, but masticates it before presenting it to you?"

Says a lot, doesn't it?

I think I'd want to write a book one day...

:)

A few entries...

Laughing in Class!
My Sec 2 kids will testify to the humour in class today. The form teacher of my class (of which I am the co-form) walked straight into my English class today and decided to take up my lesson to give out some forms to the kids. Out of courtesy, I relented although I've always resented disruptions in my class. But I understood that the forms needed to be handed out, so I let her rule the class for a while as she spouted fluent lines of Mandarin (oh, she's a Mandarin teacher...).

And so, like a total schizophrenic, the class went from an English lesson to a Mandarin one. I was totally amused as she handed out the forms, and made a whole mess out of the procedure that resulted in students not receiving the correct forms. I witnessed the whole scenario as she scolded the class for the mess that was created. As I stood at one corner, I finally understood why my Sec 2 kids detested her. They have been telling me about her, but I didn't quite understand what they were going through til today.

As I saw the scenario unfold before me, I couldn't help but find the whole scene amusing. I stifled my laughter, but I couldn't control it, and burst out laughing in one corner. Some of my kids saw and also burst out laughing. Well, she wasn't as amused cos she made those kids stand. (Sorry, guys...:P)

I began to see that I am certainly an unorthodox teacher - and proud of it. My Sec 3 student told me just last Friday - Miss Chew, you're not like a teacher. You're like our friend.

I guess I've always started out with that premise. I tell my kids right from the start - I treat you like adults, and I expect you to behave like adults. In other words, I treat them as my equal, if they are capable of handling that responsibility that is! Once in a while, I'd need to whip them back to shape, and assert my authority. But at the end of the day, I realise that much as they have much to learn, I too have much to learn from them. Mutually beneficial, I'd call it.

After the teacher left, I spoke with my class on how to handle their emotions. I told them that it is up to them to decide how they want to react to her irritating them. They can sit there, complain their hearts out and be miserable for the rest of their lives. And the only person that's feeling like that is yourself. Why bother then? Choose to be happy instead, and look at the brighter side of life. Don't let what she says or do affect you, my kids... Remember what I told you - it's really up to you how you want to deal with the situation. Don't let it eat you.

Thanks to you guys for buying me lunch today when I was conducting the oral exam. No, you will not get extra marks!! :)

Morning Prayer
Today, two teachers came up to me and told me they liked my morning prayer. I have started to lead the morning prayer since yesterday. I was nervous initially, but got over it soon, except for the shivering hand which I cannot seem to contol. It's as if it was an extension of my body I had no control of.

Yesterday, I dealt with GRATITUDE. Today, it's FORGIVENESS. Tomorrow, PATIENCE... When I've got all of it consolidated, I'd post it up on the blog.

And my Sec 2 kid told me today that I'm one of the few teachers they listen to during morning prayer.

Well, I thank God that some lives have been touched. I pray each day that he will use me as an instrument to touch the lives of people surrounding me.

A message....
I've been reading someone else's blog on and off. And I can't help but feel that he's not gotten over the incident. I don't blame him. I can empathise with how he feels considering the amount of emotions invested. I've been through it myself, and I know it's not easy.

And though I may not know the full details of what happened, what I can say to him is that things happen for a reason. You really don't know why it happens until later on in your life.

I never understood why he walked out of my life after six years, but now I do. And I'm glad he did.

Things will find a way of coming back to you if it's meant to be. I know cos I've witnessed it through Pris & Roy.

And so I've learnt to appreciate the present instead. Yes, I may not have that one thing that I want right now, but I have a lot more surrounding me. Ask yourself - what have you learnt from this experience? Why did it happen? What lessons can you gain out of this?

Walk out of it, my friend. I'm sure you can do it. Someday, you'd understand why you had to walk this journey, and you'd be thankful for this experience.

My colour

I found this test on Dionne's blog and I thought I'll just do it for the fun of it. I'm surprised, but how true!

you are deepskyblue #00BFFF

Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Looking forward to leading the morning prayer in school tomorrow. Hope I don't get the jitters!

Hey - thanks to all of you who have been filling in your notes in my chatterbox. I really appreciate all of your notes! :) It really encourages me to pursue my dream of touching the lives of youths in every way I can!

In the meantime, back to work now...

Happy students again...

I glad to know that my Sec 2 kids are back to their happy selves again. Although I didn't manage to teach them today because of the composition test, I knew they were doing OK. Thanks for your note, Jo. It's great to know you're back to your smiley self again! :) And thanks to the rest of you that left sweet notes in my chatterbox. You're really a bunch of wonderful kids! :)

Yesterday, it dawned on me that I have just about three months to get to know my class better, then it's a brand new year again. Will I get back the same form class? In a way, it saddens me to know that I've barely got to know them, and then I have to inherit a new class again. Maybe it's God's way of letting me touch the lives of as many students as I can whilst here.

Today, on my way back, I met a student from Sec 4 Peace. I taught his class CME during my practicum. He asked why I didn't teach their class any more. At the bus stop, I met four cheery girls from Sec 3 Integrity. They were equally excited to see me. We chatted for a while before the got up their bus.

I could have brushed it off as an ordinary meeting, but I think it's God's little way of reminding me that these are the fruits of my labour. I recalled the hard times I had establishing the rapport with the kids. Now, I have that rapport, and I thank God for it.

It brings me back to think about my current Sec 3 Peace class. Have I done enough to reach out to them? Maybe, I haven't tried hard enough? Do I pick a few to focus my energy on, or do I cast the net wide? I look at each one of them every day, and I ask myself - why? What can I do to make that difference in their lives?

Maybe the poem I went through with the class today touched the hearts of some, I think. I saw one girl copying the whole poem out! It talks about how life seems unfair, but it's really up to us to deal with it. I think God spoke through me when I went through the poem with them! I was thoroughly unprepared! I hadn't even read the whole poem when I started explaining phrase by phrase what it meant. At the end of it all, I surprised even myself on how I had interpreted the poem! Let me share it with you here. It's called...

After a While
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica Shoffstall 1971

Emotions of students

My Sec 2 class has been rather emotional lately, and I wonder why. Yesterday, I stepped into class to find some girls in tears. Today, I found an angry girl in class. She decided that she wanted to be left alone while the rest of the class did their work. I tried getting her to talk, but she didn't want to tell me more. Respecting her decision, I decided to let her be. But deep in me, I wondered why. In a large way, I miss her usual smile.

Sometimes, I wished I had more time to talk to them individually to know what's been happening in their lives. I want to know what their feelings are - their joys, fears, anger, hurts and pain. Why are they feeling like that? I may not be able to fully understand how they feel, but I can offer a guiding hand to pull them through these teenage years. I know it's a tough period of time, having to grapple with friends, relationships, family, parents, school work, CCAs, raging hormones and physiological changes. In a way, I'm glad I've passed that stage.

Well, my Sec 2s - Take heart. You are not alone in this journey. One day, you'd look back like I am doing now, and realise that you did OK. One day, you'd look back and realise that in life, everything happens for a reason. We learn out of everything that happens, and we will continuously be presented with "lessons" until we finally learn. Some of us get it faster than others, but it's OK. What we all need is a positive attitude. Look at the glass as half full, not half empty. It's a matter of perspective.

I wish I can see my class smiling again...

Convocation

It was a joy seeing my NIE mates again. As we gathered in our gowns and took pictures prior to the ceremony, much to the chagrin of the ushers who tried to keep us in our seats, it seemed like a happy reunion of sorts. Hey - great to see all of you again!!

The applause was thunderous as the last name out of 800 plus names was read out. We had sat through over an hour of name-calling after taking turns to be on stage for only some three seconds to receive our certificates. It was a relief when it was all finally over. Most of us had rumbling tummies as we had rushed down from school without lunch. By the time the ceremony ended, it was close to 5pm!

For me, the ceremony was different from the one I had back in my NUS days - and I was thankful. I was in the company of friends, and I was particularly thankful for Grace and mum to be there. As I put on my nicely-ironed gown, I felt thoroughly appreciative of mum who had taken over an hour to make sure that my gown didn't have a single crease on. Grace was my camera woman as she insisted that I took pictures.

The three of us headed down to East Coast Lagoon for dinner after the ceremony. Mum was craving for oyster omelette. We also ordered rojak and three big cups of sugar cane juice. Satay was particularly tempting on a Friday when we couldn't eat meat... Hmmm...

I must have been very exhausted cos I zonked out when I reached home. When I awoke again, Grace had left. I had my second dinner (cos mum also cooked fried bee hoon), did some work on the computer then, the Z monster hit me again...

Thanks, mum. Thanks Grace - for being there for me. And to my NIE mates - hey, hang in there! We'll catch up over the hols!

:)

Hating Convocation Ceremonies

I never did want to go for this Friday's convocation ceremony til I heard they are slapping me with a two day pay cut and a letter of warning if I didn't go. I told Wendy a few days back why. I can't remember if I've ever mentioned to anyone, but here's why.

When I graduated from NUS, I thought that convocation was a big deal. In a way, I felt proud that I had crossed three years of one the most difficult times in my life. It didn't matter that I wasn't doing my honours by choice because of the opportunity cost incurred. I was proud that I was graduating.

Mum and a family priest were going to watch me as I received my degree scroll on stage, and I was thankful for their presence. They said they'd be at Kallang Theatre later since I had to report some two hours prior to the ceremony. But what I didn't expect when I reached three was to be greeted not only by graduates like myself, but a whole herd of accompanying parents, fussing over their sons and daughters about how they should look in their convo gowns. I was the only graduate standing alone with her gown, not even knowing if I looked OK in it.

I may have been a little emotional at that point in time, but I felt like crying. No, I didn't blame mum for not being there to make sure I looked OK, but I guess deep in my heart, I was reminded of the incomplete family I had. As I stood there in line alone without a friend (cos most of my close friends were scheduled for other ceremonies), I must have been the saddest graduand. I fought hard to hold back the tears as another graduand's mother came to me to adjust my convo gown. Maybe God sent her...

I tried to look happy after the ceremony as mum and Fr John Lee brought me for a meal at Country Manna. I remember going back to work after the ceremony just to drown myself with work. That way, I could forget about how I felt in the morning.

I guess the feeling never did go away, and the reality of it didn't creep in until I realised a few days back I had to go for the NIE convo. I swept the letter informing us of the convo away under a pile of papers when I received it. I thought I could simply forget about it. Guess I can't.

And now, as I see the convo gown hung up in my room, waiting for me to don it come Friday, I told my mum it's OK if no one goes. I'm fine with it. It's no big deal. I've gotten over the worst of how I could have felt. I can't feel any worse. Maybe? Maybe not?

With a deep breath, I pluck up the courage to face the hurts and fears I've held in me all these years. Perhaps, it is time to let go. Perhaps...

It's been a while

It's been a while since I had a full meal with my mum and friends. My mum cooked a big feast last night and invited Wendy over. Scrumptious!!! But I think we all overate. No good.. too much of such things is bad for the body.

Anyway, I enjoyed my walk and talk with Wendy after dinner. We decided to walk to Loyang Point just to feel less uncomfortable after eating so much. As we walked, I think we both had an enjoyable time trying to come up with the tune and lyrics of the next National Day song! I was telling her that this year, there isn't a new one, and that how National Day songs have evolved. I remember singing cheesy tunes like "There are five stars arising out of the stormy sea..!" Now, the songs are so much more inspirational. We have indeed improved!

When we walked back home, the breeze at Pasir Ris was just too good to waste. So both of us sat at the void deck of my block, and spoke til past midnight. We talked about everything. What I've been experiencing, what she's been experiencing, how we've moved on. It was heartening just reminiscing about the past.

I've been trying to contact Max for the longest time. Wendy and I wondered what ever happened to him. At the back of my head, I was wondering if he did ever keep his promise to me to keep the frienship. Looking back at my archives, I am proud to say that I've moved on. I've flipped the pages. I've started a new book. I wonder if he has.

Things change, and in a large way, I am thankful for the Big Guy above for showing me the way to walk. I'm thankful that despite not knowing what was in store for me some nine months back, I trusted that the decision made was for a reason. I didn't know what the reason was back then. But I chose to trust that He knows what's best for me.

I've walked and walked. I've not turned back since. If I do, it's only to check if my friend for 12 years is still OK. He promised, but I wonder if he'd keep it. If he doesn't, so be it. It's perhaps for a reason. Sure, I'd feel sad having lost a friend. But I guess things like these take time. On my part, I've left the door open. It's up to him if he wants to enter it.

In the meantime, I'm kept busy with my goal in mind. It's been a while since I started doing things not because of someone else, but because of me. It's my dream, and I want it.

Now, I'm working hard to fulfill my dream!

:)

Song..

I wonder what ever happened to the song I had put up on my blog - the one the handsome Filipino guy sang... Christian Bautista? Anyway, I've been thinking about inspirational songs ever since the National Day concert at my school today, and I can't help but recall a song a friend of mine composed some time back. My NIE mates would have probably heard this song before - It's called Living This Life for Me.

Living This Life for Me is about living your life to your fullest potential. You are responsible for your life. You live it the way you want it to. And when you do so, never shortchange yourself by putting in anything less, because you will only get less. I live my life for myself, not because I am selfish, but because I am responsible and I am empowered to live it the way I want it to - and the way I want it is to live life to the max - and in the process, touching as many lives as I can.

For those of you who can hear the song (cos the audio clip doesn't always come out right), this one's for you. This also goes out especially to all my students who visit my blog. Listen carefully to the lyrics.

Today, decide... How do you want to live your life?

The classroom is a stage...

Today, my co-teacher called me in the morning to tell me that I had to handle my Sec 3 class alone - again. It didn't help that we hadn't quite discussed what we'd be teaching the class. And so, with a 2 minute brief of what I could do, I gathered some resource materials and came up with a lesson to teach them summary skills. I figured that could keep them occupied for the two periods.

I entered the class feeling feverish. I feel sick on and off these days (I think I'm down with a slight viral fever), and I wondered if it was class related. The more I dreaded teaching the class, the more feverish I'd feel... no? Hmm... Anyway, almost half the class was under suspension or absent, so I was left with 17 students out of 40. Even then, I only managed to get a handful to do the summary the way I wanted them to.

But one thing happened in class that got me thinking about my teaching. One of the boys in class said to me, "Miss Chew, your mood change very fast. Just now you smile at us, now you so fierce." It's true. They were talking when they were supposed to do their work. I showed them my "Lucy Liu" face - minus the whip in hand. :)

Then it reminded me of one of my philosophies about teaching which I've been sharing since my NIE days. I remember telling some of my NIE mates - the classroom is a stage, and we are mere actors. I've extended that analogy to the staffroom being the backstage, and perhaps the staff lounge the green room?

What do I mean by that? I'm not advocating heartless teaching, but a method in which to take care of the emotional state of us teachers - that at the end of the day, we don't get too drained because of the emotions we engage in whilst teaching. Yes, we do get angry, we do get frustrated, we do get affected by what our students say and do. But like any actor, we get out of the role once we leave our "stage". We retreat to the backstage and resume our persona - the real us.

Yes, Uncle Joel. I still remember all about cutting the threads, and am actually teaching my friends to learn to do it too. I think it's a cool way to take care of our emotional well-being. If we don't, we'd get burnt out one day.

At the end of each day, I'm thankful that I can still smile. And as long as the fire of enthusiasm keeps burning, that I feel the need and urge and conviction to guide and motivate the kids I teach, I feel happy - happy that I've chosen to walk this route; happy that it is perhaps an indication from the one above that I'm walking the right way.

Looking back at the Sec 3 class, I feel that I've not put in enough effort to get through to them. I know it'll take lots of patience, lots of time. Perhaps, even tears. I don't know. All around, I hear negativity, and as much as I prefer not to listen to it, I cannot help but succumb to what I hear sometimes, and use it as a reason for the lack of effort put in in guiding these kids. In short, I could be taking the easy way out.

And many a times, I guess most of us are like that. We'd rather take the easy way out because - well, it's easier. It requires less effort. It doesn't require us to leave our comfort zone. After all, why rock the boat when we're comfortable sitting on it, right? But I've learnt that the easy way out isn't always the best way out. If we decide to keep ourselves in our own world, then we'd never see the potential of what the world can offer.

The next time we're challenged to do something out of our comfort zone, why don't we give it a shot?

Back with a vengeance!

I don't care. What the mind wants, the mind gets. I refuse to fall ill. And though the throat hurts each time I swallow, I take it all in my stride and ignore the pain. I have found what it means to have mind over matter. This is mind over matter!

And as I'm nibbling down bits of chocolate-coated raisins while planning for my lessons, I am giving new definition to the Chinese saying, "treating poison with poison". Ha! I want to win this war against the flu bug!

Thanks to all of you for dropping by and sending me your get well notes. Really appreciate it. Yes, even to my Sec 2 students... Yes, you are the ones that make so much noise... but it's OK. It's just that you guys have to listen when I speak.. Not speak when I speak! And actually, it wasn't the noise that made me angry. It was because some of you decided not to hand in your work on time.. Same with my Sec 1 class. So many of them didn't hand in their work despite reminders... Sigh.. Where is the sense of responsibility in kids these days?

Call me patriotic, but I can't wait to sing the National Day songs! My school kids have been training hard for the NDP display. I hear the school band play these days when I'm in the staff room and it brings back fond memories of the days I was in the band. I played the cornet, but my heart was always with the percussion section. It still is!

I must say I'm proud of my Sec 1 kids who have put in lots of time and effort in doing their project work as Ambassadors of HIHS. I made them conduct a tour of the new school to teach them procedural texts as well as hone their communication skills. They really did a good job and was quite professional about it too. They actually did up brochures to accompany the tour! I think this out-of-the-classroom oral presentation worked really well. I'm happy... :)

Now, I'm planning for the next unit on newspaper reports - and thanks to Alex for sending the slides! I'm so excited to get my kids to do the fractured fairy tales!

Today, I learnt that even if I'm having a bad day, there is always someone out there who cares. And for that, I should be thankful.

Thanks to you who have touched my heart, and added an extra spark to my day. You know who you are. *wink*

:)

I'm sick....

My throat hurts. I'm coming down with a fever. I've got ulcers in my mouth. And I've lost my appetite. This morning I came down with a slight sniffle. It doesn't help that I've got books to mark and more oral exams to conduct. I've got to stay back late almost every day for some reason or other. Nights are left for lesson planning and preparation of teaching materials. Arghhh... I need a break!

And just when I was so looking forward to the National Day weekend, I have to come down with a flu? NO!!! I am determined to be well for the hols. But alas, the body is not co-operating. My whole body aches... yes, the first signs of a flu. The flu bug is going around in the staff room. Probably that's why teachers are taking turns to fall sick.

I don't like being sick. But I am. No good.

TGIF

Something must have gone wrong cos the whole lot of words I typed out yesterday just didn't come out.. I wonder why...

In any case, what I wanted to say in short is that I'm thankful the weekend's here, and that I've been blessed. I'd like to say thanks to my Sec 2 class that made me smile cos they kept the classroom clean (the teacher's desk was spotless for once!), and that Eileen from my Sec 3 class showed a level of maturity beyond her age. I think what she's experiencing now has made that difference in her, and in the deepest of my hearts, I pray that come 11 August, a kind sentence will be passed on her.

Looking forward to the National Day weekend!! :) Now, I'll just enjoy my weekend with Wendy and my piles of books to be marked!

Checkin' out...