Off to Sydney

The blog will be taking a break for about 10 days as the Starfish makes its way down under... but you can be sure if I have convenient internet access, I'd be blogging to update you on my travel experiences. I'd be back in Singapore on 6 January. In the meantime, take care, have a great new year, and see you all soon!

The Wedding Speech

This was the "speech" I came up with at Priscilla's wedding. I had less than an hour to prepare it... I think I'd done better with more time, probably even make Pris and Roy cry! :)

Good evening, family, relatives and friends of Priscilla and Roy. It is an honour and pleasure to speak about Priscilla to all of you this evening.

I have been friends with Priscilla since Primary One. Til today, I cherish the fond memory of the day when our Primary One form teacher, Mrs Goh, partnered the both of us together as we were of the same height. From then on, we were like peanut butter and jelly, or fish and chips – almost inseparable.

And though we went on leading our own separate lives after secondary school – I went to the junior college, and Priscilla to the polytechnic – me to NUS, and Pris to Sheffield U, we still kept very much in touch. And though we may not have met as often, we remained close at heart.

But enough said about us. Let me speak a little more about the blushing bride tonight.

When I think of Priscilla, I think of a woman of patience, kindness, humility and subtle strength. She has never failed to be a friend to me in my time of need, or just lend a listening ear. Over the years, I have learnt a lot from her, through her advice, and by her example. Of course, I have also never failed to envy her beauty – long eye lashes, perfect porcelain skin, lanky legs, silky black hair…and the list goes on. In my heart, I told myself – whoever marries her will be a real lucky man.

And so, when Priscilla broke the news to me earlier this year that she was going to marry her first love, Roy, I could not conceal my joy for her. I have seen them look at each other in the eyes when they were dating, hold each other’s hands, speak softly and lovingly to each other – I could see that they were very much in love with each other. If anything, I saw that Priscilla was the most comfortable, and most herself when she’s with Roy. Indeed, if I could boldly say it, I think they brought out the best in each other.

Roy told me one day, when we were preparing for their wedding, that it was a dream come true for him to marry Priscilla. The tone of his voice told me that he really loved her, and that he would cherish her for the rest of his life.

And as I see them take their wedding vows today, I smile as I see the happiness and love in their eyes. They have embarked on a new journey together, and I wish them both all God’s choicest blessings from above. I know and believe with God showering his love over them, together with their love for each other, they will lead a fulfilling married life.

Priscilla – I now take a bow out of the platter of fish and chips, or in the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and take on the role of a side dish instead. Because you and Roy now make up the perfect classic combination of champagne and caviar – and I couldn’t be happier.

Congratulations, Roy & Pris – I love you both!

Pictures!

Here's some kodak moments of the wedding...

Day time ...

Evening ....

What a weekend!

My mum's delayed flight
My mum's flight was delayed by 3 hours. So, instead of picking her up at the airport at 2355 on the Saturday, Grace and I had to sacrifice our sleep and pick her up at 3am at the airport. She had with her two huge luggage, a hand-carry and a harversack, plus some last minute duty free shopping. I wondered if she brought back the whole of Canada.

Of course, she was excited and happy to see us. Both of us on the other hand, were wondering if we could catch any sleep. Apparently not. As my mum unpacked bag by bag, she gave both of us a running commentary of what she bought, where she bought it from, how much it costs, and what a bargain she had. Then came the not so nice stories of being bored in Canada, and how frustrated she was, and how home-sick she was. She didn't quite get the hint when we both told her we needed to get to Priscilla's wedding the next day. All we could do was to sit there in the kitchen as she emptied her bags, and have the whole kitchen and living room strewn with clothes and foreign goods.

As the clock ticked away, I resigned to the fact that I was not going to get any sleep at all. I needed to get to Pris's home by 8am. Grace will be giving me a lift there, so we'd leave at 7.30am. That meant I had to start packing my stuff and get prepared by 6am. I looked at the clock - 5.34am. I said "Mum, I'm gonna catch 40 winks. Have to be up at 6am to prepare to get to Priscilla's wedding" "No, no", she insisted. "I still have some more things to show you." Oh well. How can you say no to your mum whom you've not seen for a month, right?

And so, Grace and I stayed with her for a while. My eyes could not take it anymore. "Bye mum" I said. "I need sleep. I'll be at Pris wedding the whole day." "Aiyo, so poor thing", she sympathised. Grace and I went to the room to sleep. I kept the lights on as I knew if I had them switched off, I'd oversleep.

I was awakened by a "click". Mum had switched off my room light. I looked at the clock. 6.05am. I needed to be up. I asked my mum why she switched off the light. "No, lah.. Go, go sleep properly." "No, mum. I have to be at Pris's home by 8am. I have to get up now". "Aiyo - so poor thing. I didn't know." I rolled my eyes in exasperation in my head. Didn't I tell her???!!!

Oh well.

Priscilla's Wedding
I must have been on an adrenalin high cos I was fully awake throughout the day. Lee Yee and I had a fun time making fun of Roy - asking him to create a love poem in Mandarin, and having him eat lemons. Martin was such a dear best man. Helped Roy gobble up almost he whole lemon! Then we moved on from place to place for the tea ceremonies, and finally to the hotel.

I was tasked with saying something about Priscilla at the eleventh hour. Martin thought I'd be the best person to speak. I was shocked, excited, honoured, and really having a mental block. I had only about an hour to think of what I was going to say. A quarter of my mind wanted the bed badly, the other two quarters were planning the logistics of things for the dinner that evening. The last quarter was wondering what to say. I could only think with a PC in front of me, so I called Grace to bring her laptop down. I'm so thankful she did. I don't think I'd be able to come up with anything if I had to rely on plain ol pen and paper!

And so, I gave my little "speech" after the solemnization. Priscilla was surprised. She thought I was going to "sabo" her. But I nearly made her cry. She said she was glad I stopped, or she'd have... Damn! If I had known a day earlier I had to speak, I'm sure I'd make her cry!!

The wedding was really beautiful. Simple and elegant. Two long rows of close friends and loved ones feasting on beef and fish at Chijmes. Roses, cinnamon sticks and pretty ribbons were all part of the theme of the wedding. Everyone was relaxed and mingling with each other. Soft laughters were heard, and smiles were seen at every corner. Dim orange lighting complemented the flickering flames from the gold and white candles. All these against the background of jazz music. Awww... what could have been better? I guess what made it all beautiful was that I was sharing in the joy and love of two beautiful people.

I had a bad gastric attack during the wedding, and so was not able to savour the food. (What a waste!!). And so after the dinner, after downing two gastric pills, I headed with Wendy to the nearby 7-11 for a hot cup of milo. She bought nachos, which we brought back to the hotel room at Raffles the Plaza (Wendy booked the room), sat at the balcony, ate and spoke til my eyes couldn't take it no more. I finally succumed to the nice fluffy pillows at 2.30am.

The morning after
I woke up the next morning feeling sick. My throat felt sore. I could feel the undigested nachos in my stomach still. I felt feverish, then I started to sneeze. Wendy and I went out for breakfast at Purvis street. I was downing lots of water and green tea to "cool" myself down. But it didn't seem to work. So, after that, I went to the nearest pharmacy where I got a pack of decolgen.

When we went back to the hotel, the sun was peeking through the clouds. That made Wendy a little happier - she could tan. I chased her to the pool, while I downed two pills with lots of water and headed back for the bed. I must have slept for less than half an hour when I was awakened by the sound of my vibrating phone. It was mum. She was on the way to the hotel. I must have been really sound asleep cos I missed three other calls and two messages. I still felt sick.

Pris and Roy came over soon after to collect their "money bag" which I kept for them. Mum decided to update them with the latest "news" from Canada. I was in a daze. The decolgen was beginning to set in... Maybe the lack of sleep as well. I was zoning out.. All I thought of was sleep.

Pris and Roy left for lunch and mum decided to go shopping. I finally got some sleep. The two hours of sleep I had was good. I felt much better after I woke up. Wendy came back from her tan and spa. After a bath, we both went out for lunch. I must have been really hungry or really greedy cos I ate lots. When I reached home after we checked out, I was still hungry. Ate another two peanut butter sandwiches before leaving for my Spanish class.

Spanish Class
When I signed up for the class, the girl told me that the tutor is a charming man. I didn't expect him to be young as well - and eligible? Hmm... OK. Enough said. Spanish class was fun although my head was still heavy from the cold and effects of decolgen. Hola Amigo! Over two and a half hours, all 12 of us in class made a fool out of ourselves as we tried to grapple with the new language. Too bad I'd be in Sydney for the next two lessons, so I'd have to revise on my own and see less of the tutor! Cute guy!

What a weekend... I am tired. But it was all worth it cos I feel happy.

My doctor
I saw my doctor again today. He's back from his leave. He looks happy. He said I'm all OK. He checked my aching wrist and said it's probably a strain. He doesn't recommend I go rock climbing though.. He also said he'd be having his own clinic soon and will let me know when he does. He took down my email address. I walked out of the clinic a happy girl. I don't know why. I just feel happy.

It's just past midnight. It's officially Christmas Eve now. I have a dinner at my granduncle's home tonight. Mum's going to surprise them cos none of them knows she's back yet. After that, Grace, my mum, bother and I will go for midnight Mass.

Christmas is coming, and I just love it!

Merry Christmas.. or as they say it in Spanish - Feliz Navidad!

Just Words

TIRED. SLEEPY. BLOATING. HAPPY. EXCITED. ADRENALIN RUSH. BUSY.

So much to do. Not enough time.

Do less, expect less? Or push harder, do it all?

That's how I'm feeling now...

Oh! So Tired...!

The platform in my room is no longer a bed for me to laze on. It is lined with pretty wedding booklets and place cards, all adorned with olive green ribbons and cinnamon sticks. I laid them all out nicely, like paddy on a field. Thanks to Wendy who came by yesterday to tie the remaining ribbons while I busied myself with perfecting each and every booklet and place card. Bending down to tie them all was back-breaking, but at the end of it all, it was all worth it. I can't help but smile and feel a sense of accomplishment and shy pride each time I walk into my room. It's finally all done - except for putting a score line on each place card so it'll be easier to fold later.

My eyes are beginning to be surrounded by a shadow of grey. Little saggy pouches sit comofortable below my eyes. As I juggle cleaning the house, preparing for Christmas, perfecting Pris and Roy's wedding, meeting up with old friends and now doing the arrangements for my mum's return, I feel tired - very tired. The lack of sleep makes my body ache and weak. All I want to do is to lie down for a whole day in a soft, white comfortable bed, listening to the sounds of Steve Tyrell. But I can't. Each time I try to catch 40 winks, the adrenalin rush in me stops me from falling asleep. A million thoughts go through my head as I mentally go through a list of things I should be doing. Before I know it, I'm up again, doing things. The body is tired, but the mind is not!

I hope I will have a good break at Sydney. Half the time, or rather most of the time, I forget I'd be going there! There's just so many things to do that the trip seems to be the last thing on my mind. As I type, I remember that I've got Spanish classes next Monday... And I have yet to send out to my salsa classmates the list of emails and addresses I've compiled. We're supposed to go somewhere sometime to practise our steps.. Oh no.. think I forgot them all!

My mum called this morning. She sounded a whole lot better. Apparently, she talked her way out by a white lie to come back to Singapore early. Guess she really miss home, and wanted to come back badly. It makes me wonder... if I go overseas to study, will I miss home? Hmmm..

And so, in preparation of my mum's return tomorrow late at night, I have yet another long list of things to do before she gets back. Cleaning the house is at the top of the list.. ironing clothes, doing the laundry... and the list goes on. My brother said we should be using as much soft toilet paper as possible cos when mum gets back, she'll change it to the cheaper rough one... I said don't worry.. I bought 18 rolls of it. We can still use it when she gets back!

My brother is in a cheery mood. He comes up with all kinds of corny jokes and harmless insults on what to do with mum when she gets back.. "How about we leave all the housework to her?" he asked.. "maybe she's not been doing it there, that's why she misses home.." I try to stifle my agreement. My mum is one person who cannot keep still for long. She needs to do things. She's like an ant.. small, but always busy. Guess that's why she's so bored in ol' laid back Canada! She should be in New York!

Oh well, the countdown begins. I'd better type my last few words and move my hands away from the keyboard and towards the new $30 mop I so proudly got when mum was away. Tonight I have a dinner with my ex-colleagues at Raffles Hotel. Haven't seen them for more than a year!

Good day to you, as the starfish steps down to be plain ol' Maria again...

My mum

It's 2am in the morning, and I can't sleep. My mum just called. She didn't sound right.

She called me up yesterday morning, asking me to get the next flight back to Singapore. She said she missed home, and wasn't enjoying herself. I called Japan Airlines, called her travel agent, and called Simon - my usual travel agent. Simon managed to get her an earlier flight back into Singapore that sees her arriving on Christmas eve. I was elated that I did all of that, considering JAL and her travel agent said all flights were full. I thought she'd be happy. But when I called her just two hours ago, she sounded dazed, almost drugged.

She took down the details that I told her, and said she'd have her tickets changed. But less than an hour after I called her, and less than 15 minutes after I decided to go to bed, I was awoken by the ringing of the telephone. It was mum. She said she called the airline office over her side, and they could get her a flight back into Singapore this Saturday night. I need to call Simon later today to release the booking on this side, so that she can pick it up on her side. Again, she didn't sound right. She spoke in monosyllabic words, almost incoherent. I asked if she was OK. She said she was. But I could sense her voice was breaking into tears, but I don't know why.

I felt helpless as I tried to get back to sleep. Questions raced through my head, wondering why she wanted to come back so soon. She said she wasn't enjoying herself. She said she felt "stifled". I wondered what could have gone wrong. Mixed emotions filled my heart as I said "bye" to her on the phone. I was sad and angry. I just don't like to see my mum cry.

My heart softens for my mum. I love her too much. I've seen her suffer as she brought me and my brother up, and I made a promise to myself that when I can, I'd make life as meaningful and fulfilling as possible. Now that I am working, the tables are turned as I take over the role of taking care of my mum. I let her enjoy the finer things in life when I can afford it. It is a simple sacrifice compared to what she has gone through. It makes me happy to see her happy. I've seen her cry too many times. Probably that's why I hate to see her cry... It just brings back bad memories.

I hope mum is OK. I hope her spirits will be lifted as she packs in preparation to come back home. I hope that she'll smile again when she sees my brother and I. I look forward to hugging her, and welcoming her back home. I do miss her.

If I could have a wish for Christmas, I wish that my mum will be the happiest person on earth this Christmas. I hope that's not too much to ask for.

Cinnamon and Ribbons

Yesterday, Priscilla came over to my place to help tie ribbons of the cinnamon sticks which will be stuck onto the booklets. We tied 90 sticks in all. Will need to go out today to get the remaining 60 sticks. The sticks are all nicely laid out in my room, looking pretty and ready to adorn the nice CD-sized booklets for Priscilla and Roy's wedding this Sunday. I can't wait! The room smells faintly of cinnamon... sweet and spicy - just like the couple. :)

The website's doing great. I finally did up the trial templates. The meeting on Sunday was really fruitful. Almost five hours of discussion has led us to expand the website further, and even exploring on the idea of creating modules of Catholic instruction which people can download, and even making it user-friendly such that even the blind can access the web. I left the meeting feeling good. This is what I call a sense of fulfilment that no money can buy.

The next few days will see me running around from place to place. Preparing for Pris and Roy's wedding, following up on the website, and preparing for Christmas. My calendar's all filled up. I almost forgot I am flying off to Sydney after Christmas! There seems to be so much left to do! But in a way, I like it all. Keeping busy fills my life with meaning. Maybe that's why some people never seem to stop and rest.

My brother has been so wonderful these days. Cheery, jovial, and caring in his own special way. Indeed, I feel so fortunate that I have a brother I can talk to and care for. When I was younger, I used to ask - why not a sister. I've always wanted an older sister... But as years pass, I'm glad I've got my brother. Yes, I do pamper him, but hey, he's so nice, how can I not??!!

This week's the third week of Advent. We lit the pink candle of the advent wreath. It represents Joy. Truly... with the wedding, and Christmas approaching, and looking forward to spending time with all my loved ones - I do feel a sense of Joy. I hope you feel the Joy of the season too...

:)

Yesterday and Today

It was a hectic day yesterday. Was zooming about from place to place... Home, dance class, wedding at St Teresa's Church, had a hair cut, IKEA.... Was up late churning out the Christmas List for relatives... And up again early this morning to do some household chores before Mass and later for the website meeting. I hope they will all like the design I did.

Just a quick thought for today - something I read from the latest issue of ELLE:

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." - African-American author and poet laureate Maya-Angelou

As I sign off, I'm thinking.... "This is probably the shortest blog I've ever written." Have a good Sunday!

Dream a dream ... and make it real

The line came from someone else's blog. I visited the blog often but it didn't really hit me as hard as it did a few nights back. Again, I was re-evaluating my life, and wondered what my dreams were. If you recall, sometime back, I was feeling as though there was no direction in life. I felt lost, wondering where I was going. In short, I felt blind. I am glad to say that as I slowly thought through things, and spoke with a few people, I think I have found direction again by looking back at my dreams.

Dreams are often forgotten. As we move on in life, we discount them as difficult to attain - or even impossible. We chide ourselves for being unrealistic. We learn to be pragmatic. Life is difficult enough. Why make it more so by trying to fulfil a dream that's so hard to attain? And so, we push aside our dreams, deeming them to be impossibilities only found in others' lives.

Perhaps I've been pushing aside my dreams for too long - so long that I have since forgotten about them.

And so now, with renewed enthusiasm to make my dream come true, I feel empowered and determined. I have found direction. Of course, like everything else, I know that life will bring me ups and downs that will not make the journey a simple one. But these will be lessons for me to learn, to make me a better person, to teach me how life is supposed to be. And I know that at the end of all this, when my dream is fulfilled, I know that it'll all be worth it.

I have dreamt a dream. Now, I am going to make it real. To you who said that - a big thank you.

The website and a Singing Telegram

I think Fr Heng and his novices' prayers are working. Yesterday was a productive day. Somehow, I managed to get everything for the website working. Even learnt new techniques, and played around with the designs. I am impressed by what I have done so far. My only reservation is whether or not they will like the new colour scheme which I have chosen. I used to use the sepia tones with shades of warm gray and deep red. Now, I kept the sepia tones, but have matched it with olive and deep green instead. A few pale yellow highlights here and there. Overall, I think it looks pretty neat. Now, I am motivated to do the rest of the pages. :)

Grace Wan came by yesterday to deliver my long-awaited birthday present from herself, the other Grace, Wendy, Priscilla and Lee Yee. She came by late at night, and delivered my present with a song and dance. She introduced herself as the "Singing Telegram", and did a Happy Belated Birthday song - Marilyn Monroe meets Para Para style - and yes, she did it all - with the raspy voice and coy dance routine at the void deck of my flat! The present came in a little genie bottle -a voucher for any dance class at Jitterbugs! Ah.. and I was just about to sign up for some Yogalates or Pilates class there. Now I can do it - all paid! Thanks, guys!! You guys really kept me in suspense and wondering for a long tim! Happy, happy Deb... :)

Sent an SMS to Max yesterday - that man lost his handphone - and all the numbers in it... He replied my SMS with "Is this Deb? Lost my handphone and all the numbers are gone..." I guess I am one of the few lucky people who can remember numbers like that - photographic memory. I have all my bank account numbers in my head... and some credit card ones too. I also have all my home numbers for all the houses I've stayed before! I think if I train hard enough, I may just be able to break some record in the Guiness Book of World Records.

My cooking skills are coming back. I managed to whip up a full meal in less than an hour for my brother yesterday. Thai Spiced Chicken with Potatoes, Ma Po Tou Fu and broccoli. I figured if I get married next time, I can easily whip up a nice home-cooked meal for my husband every day after work. Good... no need to eat MSG-laden hawker food.

The sun is shining brightly today. Maybe I'd go for a swim to give myself a treat since I've been a good girl doing the website yesterday (although I won't say much about the bag of Ruffles I downed while doing it... and the blueberry cake, and the chicken pie...). Or maybe I'd just stay at home and do the web...

Thanks, Uncle Joel for the e-card!

The Lazy in me

Yesterday, Pris and Roy came over to see the design for their wedding programme booklet and the place cards. They came over for lunch - we sat there in my kitchen as Roy devoured his rice with beef, kang kong and eggs, while Pris and I ate salads and nachos. I had my usual chicken sandwich too. We sat and talked and talked and talked... In my mind, I thought - if only life was like this. Just sitting and talking with friends. I guess the "lazy" in me has set in.

Lunch lasted two hours plus as we emptied everything on the table. We then moved on to my room where I showed them the designs for the place cards. Pris fiddled a little with last minute seating arrangements while I decided to give them alternatives to dress up the programme booklet. Finally, we settled on a really nice finishing complete with ribbons and cinnamon sticks. Tomorrow, we'll have to go get the ribbons and the cinnamon sticks... The production line begins!

It was a good afternoon spent with two good friends. :)

Wendy came over in the evening after work. We were supposed to go for a jog, but somehow she was too tired (or lazy?) to. I was too hungry waiting for her to arrive. When I called her up at 8pm, she was still at Katong! I gave up. I ate my dinner without thinking much about the jog. Maybe I was feeling lazy too. Afterall, it rained heavily in the early evening, and the grounds were wet... and we both don't like jogging on wet grounds, remember? :P

Fr Heng called me up last night too. He asked me how the website was coming along. I took in a deep breath and told him "Frankly, I'm stuck." He sounded shocked, lost for words, but managed to ask "What happened?" I told him I was stuck doing the templates and all, and I know I can do it.. Just need lots of prayers and faith. He promised he'd pray extra hard and get his novices to do the same thing... Sure feels funny for me to ask a priest to go pray! I thought it's supposed to be the other way round! I think God has a funny sense of humour sometimes.

Oh - yesterday, I got my exam results back too. Not too bad. I was only disappointed with one module - the psychology one cos I only managed a C for it. I don't understand why. It's a subject that I enjoyed and liked, and am even taking up an elective on guidance and counselling next semester - more psychology! Am I really not good at it, or was it just a case misinterpretation of the assignment? I remember during classes, my classmates and I were so irritated with the tutor cos she kept changing the criteria for the written assignments. We really didn't know what she was looking for in the pieces. In any case, I think I'd get over this soon... I told myself, I have to prove to myself that I can do it!!! I am NOT lousy at psychology!

I finally went back doing the website at 12 midnight yesterday. I am going to continue again today. I hope I can do it this time.

Thought for the day... (Read this in my favourite Fitness magazine, and I thought I should share it with you)

Your truest self. Too often it gets lost amidst self-doubt or other people's expectations. Picture yourself peeling all that away and discovering once more the core within. It is what you started out with, and what you desire; it is who you are and who you can be. Remember it, reclaim it. Because when you act from that place, you can't go wrong.

Go on, find your truest self. I am in search of mine.

The wrist is better

Thanks to all of you who were concerned about the wound on my wrist. It's really much better today. The swell has since gone down, and the wound's a nice flat hole. I protect it with antiseptic plaster for sensitive skin. I figured if you're injured, you might as well dress up your wound neat and nicely. I even got a waterproof plaster to paste over the plaster when I bathe, or wash the dishes. It helps keep the wound dry.

I guess some part of me must have wanted in be a nurse. I find that I have a natural ability to dress and treat wounds nicely. I didn't have any formal training nor did I join any first aid uniformed group, but somehow I find that I am always dressing people's wounds and even knowing what to get from the pharmacy.

I remember years back when I was working in a cafe during the holidays. Someone cut her hand so bad, it was dripping with blood. The cafe was newly opened so they didn't have a first aid kit. I ran to the pharmacy, and grabbed antiseptic wipes, plasters, gauze, wool etc etc... Came back, applied pressure on the wound, washed it, cleaned it, applied some antiseptic powder on it and dressed the wound all up nicely. I did the same thing when the IKEA guy who came by to fix the cabinets in my room. He accidentally drilled onto his hand (silly man!). As I dressed the wound, I noticed there was a real big hole on his hand. He tried to act brave lah, but with that much blood oozing out, he really looked faint. I even made a hot drink for him. I think he was so touched he wanted to date me out! Ha!!! As you may have guessed, yes, I do have a real good first aid kit!

Yesterday was a good day. I managed to rollerblade with Wendy in the afternoon. She was feeling really lazy so it was good that I managed to drag her out of the home. I fell down once yesterday. It was painful but I just picked myself up and bladed on. Kinda what we should do with life, ain't it? When we fall, just pick ourselves up again and move on. Speaking of which, one of the philosophies in my life which I really got out of watching TV (who ever said TV's bad?) "Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising everytime we fall."

TV - I managed to catch Law & Order (SVU) last night again. Good show as usual. Yesterday was a case about how a down syndrome girl was raped - and she didn't even know it cos the rapist (whom they eventually found out was the grocery stall owner who employs such girls) told her (and the rest of the girls he raped - and made them pregnant!) that it was just "exercise"! How sick can that get??!!! Ha! And I even managed to get my brother hooked onto the show now. I am so glad I have cable cos it means I can watch the show on Channel i on Sundays and on Star World on Tuesdays. :)

Some inspirational words that came to my head today....

As the birds chirp on a gloomy Monday morning
I am reminded that despite the troubles we go through
We should be like them
Without worries for the future
Nor regrets from the past
But with hope for today
That the sun will appear
From behind the clouds
And even if it doesn't
We are thankful
That we have today to live for.

Have a good week ahead!

Salsa and a swollen wrist

Today's salsa class day! Time really flies cos next week's the last lesson! Wendy and I are glad we decided to class hop, and join the Saturday class instead. The people in this class are more wacky... kinda like me! Drives the instructor nuts when we're together. As usual, we've had lots of laughs. But the steps are getting trickier, and for some reason, I wasn't concentrating much today. Made quite a lot of mistakes.. but hey, I'm there to have fun, not be a pro!

Maybe it's my wrist that's bothering me. Remember the little scald I had when I was cooking with Pam? Well, for some strange reason, the little bubble there decided to burst and swell up like a big mosquito bite last night. I quickly got antiseptic powder and surgical plasters to treat the wound, hoping that it'll be better today. But nope! I cleaned the wound twice so far already today. There's lots of pus coming out of the wound.. Not a good sign. My brother's nagging at me to go see a doctor before I risk having gangrene (he's exaggerating, I guess?). But I'm just turning a deaf ear. I'd just like to play nurse over the next few days. If the swell gets worse, well, I guess I have to see a doctor.

The wound's a little painful when I put my hand down, so I have to lift it in a very awkward position. It doesn't help that I keep hitting on the wound when I put my hand down on the table to type or hold the mouse. Speaking of which, I think I've got some strain on my wrist too as a result of holding the mouse too long, or typing on the keyboard. And so, I feel like a semi-handicap person with a semi-functional wrist. As I type this blog, I have to take periodic breaks to ease the pain. I hope this gets better soon. I need to do my website.

Ah - the website. I've decided to take a break from it. The thick books are still open in front of me as a reminder that I've got work to do. But I've decided that I will not get too stressed over it, and just let the one above lead me. I'm sure with lots of faith and prayers, there'll be a way out of this!

Today after class, Grace came to pick Wendy and me up. We wanted to get to Great World City to pick up some salsa CDs from That CD Shop - If anyone reading this blog doesn't know it yet - you just must go to this shop. They have a branch at Pacific Plaza and Tanglin Mall too. Loads of CDs (especially if you're a jazz fan) and nice Nakamichi sound systems for you to test any CD you want to hear. The staff's really good. They're friendly and even if you have like 10 CDs in your hand that you want to try to listen to, they'll gladly unwrap it all nicely and let you listen it at your leisure. No pressure to buy. So you can imagine - Wendy and I spent almost two hours just ploughing through the CDs. (Grace left the shop quietly without us knowing cos she was resisting temptation of spending more money on CDs!). In the end, I didn't get any salsa CDs, but two jazz CDs - one's by Tony Bennet and kd lang; the other's by Al Somma. The latter's got a really nice deep voice.. what I call Harry Connick Jr. meets Steve Tyrell. Very very nice. Seems like I'm in a CD-buying mood. I bought Michael Buble's other CD, Totally Buble yesterday whilst out shopping with my brother... And to think I still have a few more other CDs I want to buy! Oh well, I LOVE music!

I feel happier cos I finally did up the Advent wreath at home. It took me so long before I could finally find the three purple candles and one pink candle. It's nice and simple, and I even got the candles to be scented. Did up the crib set too so it looks much nicer now. Tomorrow will be the second sunday of Advent. We'll be lighting up the two purple candles. Next week, we'd light up the pink one, which represents Joy. Then another week, and then it's Christmas! We'd light up the big white candle in the middle then. Oh, how I love Christmas... Hark the Herald Angels Sing....

Hey - for those of you who are planning your Christmas list, don't forget to visit the Sharity Gift Box. You can send your donations online now. There's an e-mart whereby there's a list of needy people and items which they need. You can just click and have their wish fulfilled. Go check it out at the links below:

More information about the Sharity Gift Box and how you can contribute http://www.bbsgb.org.sg/help_indi.html
Fulfilling wishes online http://sharity.e-mart.com.sg/

No amount is too small when it comes to giving... So go on, share yourself with others... :)

What a day - I'm taking a break!

Yesterday just didn't seem right. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't get the website working. The java scripts decided not to work when I imported the navigation bars from Fireworks to Dreamweaver. The layout went all wrong when I adjusted the submenus, and I just could get the templates to work the way I wanted it to. You see, this is not just any other ordinary website. I have to plan for further expansion in the future, and so my design has to take that into consideration... It has to be user friendly for constant updating... The thought of the whole project seems like a mammoth task.. And I haven't even figured out the scripting for the automatic updating of the daily readings yet! And what about the database for the petitions... !!!

And so, yesterday, after ploughing through five thick books for solutions, I stared at my computer screen blankly. My brain didn't seem to function anymore. Like the website design, my brain was going all "wonky". I slammed the books shut, switched off my computer, and packed my swimming gear... I told myself I needed a break. And despite the cold weather, I bravely walked to the swimming pool, fuming away cos I was so angry I couldn't get anything substantial done. I thought I could seek solace from the laps.. I was wrong.

I was surprised the pool was so full at 3.30pm after a morning and afternoon's worth of rain. It seemed that like me, everyone else welcomed the shy sun as it peeked behind the thick cumulonimbus clouds. I swam two laps, then gave up. Kids and students on holidays and everyone else seem to be in the pool just playing with water! Doesn't anyone know that you are supposed to swim laps in a lap pool??!!! No... everyone else decided that the lap pool was for just gathering in large groups, splashing water at each other!! And so, I stuck myself at one corner of the pool, folded my arms in exasperation and sulked. I stared at the lifeguards as though I wanted them to clear everyone else in the pool. In my head, I was wondering why couldn't everyone just swim laps.. at the same time, I wondered if I had become more dumb. Why in the world could I not understand all the scripting? Frustration, frustration, frustration...After a while, the cold pool water cooled me down. Maybe I was just having a bad day.

By 5pm, the crowds cleared. I figured all of them must be preparing themselves for a BBQ or dinner.. Good. I swam for another 30 minutes or so before I realised my hands were all pruney. I must have soaked in the water for too long.

The cold swim and shower after did me good. I felt a whole lot better though when I got home, I still didn't want to look at the website. I busied myself watching the last episode of The Bachelor. I needed brainless shows to relax my tensed up brain.

I decided that I will give myself a treat today - I'd go shopping! I guess there's so much frustration in me, there's no point sitting in front of the PC, hoping that some miracle will happen. Hopefully, by tonight, I'd have made some progress. All I'm thinking now is planning my route from IKEA to Orchard Road. :)

I hope you had a better day than I did... and I hope you will enjoy your day today too!

Of time, love and relationships

Looking at the friends around me, I cannot help but wonder about the chemistry between couples. Most of my close friends are either attached or married, and looking at how they met their partners in the first place, I marvel at how wonderfully mysterious God works sometimes.

I always thought that a relationship starts first at a friendship level. After you've known the person for say a year or two, then do you start thinking about developing it into a friendship. But looking at the friends around me, I tend to think not now. Wendy tells me - when it happens, it happens. It doesn't need much time. She tells me the first time she saw her boyfriend, she knew she'd end up with him for the rest of her life. She's still with the same guy after 10 years, and they plan to marry maybe next year.

A JC classmate of mine knew her boyfriend for 10 days and they decided to start their relationship. Another friend of mine married her very first boyfriend. Chemistry. How important that is... I had a classmate in JC who once told me "You are the perfect girl I want to marry. It's just that there's no chemistry between us." I knew what he meant. I didn't make him have those butterflies in the stomach. Neither did he me. We both cared a lot about each other, but we just couldn't like each other that way. We decided that we were just better off as friends.

Timing also plays an important role in the chemistry of whether two people do fall in love. The words of Barry Manilow ring in my ears as I say this.."We had the right love at the wrong time". Sometimes, circumstances around us prevent us from falling in love with another. A close friend of mine can perhaps identify with this. She broke up with her first love back then cos of circumstances, went full circle and is now back with her first love. I see both of them together and I smile. I've never seen her so comfortable with any other guy. I've never seen him so happy.. almost in a childlike glee. I feel so happy for them... It's like they've finally got the right love at the right time this time round.

And then there are cases of A liking B, but B doesn't like B as much. And when A finally gives up on B, B decides to like A back... wrong timing. Nothing happens.

And I wonder... In my mind, I imagine Cupid with his bow and arrow, shooting men and women ailke. Sometimes, I think he's cross-eyed, or just ain't good at shooting. Sometimes he hits a good target, sometimes he misses.

But at the end of it all, I think everything happens for a reason. We never know or can anticipate how two people can fall in love. Every love story I've known is like a fairytale. No one can forsee how to fall in love. It just happens. And because of that, it remains a mystery. All we need to know is that when it comes, we need to open our hearts to all that love brings - the happiness, the joy, the smiles, the laughter, as well as the pain, and tears.

So I'd like to say this to my two dear friends. It is a mystery how the two of you met. Some say it's by fate. Some say it's by chance. Some say it's meant to be. Whatever it is, you are perhaps having the right love at the right time. Take it fully with all your heart. Cherish every moment you have. Put your guards down and just fall in love. Embrace each other with your love and affection that is so much part of you. Share your innermost selves and be totally vulnerable. Give off yourselves unconditionally and let your feelings for each other bring you both along the path of love. Isn't that how love is supposed to be?

To all my friends who are in love, I smile as I say - You are blessed.. I am equally blessed to be able to share in your love and happiness. :)

A chef for the day

Yesterday, Pam came over to my place cos she wanted to learn how to make pizza. But when I met her at 12noon, and told her that she needed to wait at least another three hours before she could eat her pizza, her stomach made her change her mind.. She was hungry! So she decided on steak instead. So off we went to buy the beef and some vegetables to make the meal more wholesome. The steak turned out fine - I just did the flipping for her while she told me when to stop cooking! Hmmm.. seems like she was the one teaching me how to cook!

Then we decided to make oatmeal cookies cos that was her favourite too. Baking's my forte, so I taught her how to cream the mixture, and basically dump everything else in, stir it all into a paste, and ball the dough into bite size chunks on the baking tray before dumping it into the oven. It was fabulous! Pam loved the cookies!

Wendy came over too. It was her day off. So there we were, all three of us in the kitchen like some tai tais, making cookies and listening to bossa nova music, once in a while perring out of the window to see the heavy downpour outside. We talked and laughed, and munched on left-over cookies that could not fit into the containers we had. Then Pam wanted to bake some more! Flipping through yet more cook books, Pam decided on some caramel nut thingy dipped with chocolate. The recipe seemed pretty easy enough - just sugar, water, nuts, and chocolate... I had them all in my home..

So there I was, stirring the sugar mixture over the hot fire.. I must have stirred to vigourously cos a drop of the burning hot caramel jumped onto me and "ouch"... Now I have a little bubble on my wrist area. It doesn't hurt, but I hope it doesn't burst.. It'd be an awful sight if it does. But the candy turned out OK.. We dipped it with lots and lots of chocolate cos that's the way to enjoy sinful food, aint' it? :)

Pam left in the late evening cos she was meeting someone. So it was just Wendy and me.. and my dear brother playing his new computer game at home. I had picked up some new seasoning at the supermarket earlier and wanted to try it out. So I did.. Sprinkled the seasoning onto the chicken, baby potatoes and carrots and dumped it all into the baking bag that came with the seasoning. Just for the fun of it, I also dumped three cloves of garlic (which I ate just like that after that!). Dumped the whole thing into the oven for about 45 minutes and tah-dah! It was really really really really nice.. Soft, juicy, tender chicken that was a little sour and spicy... kinda like buffalo wings, but better.. The potatoes and carrots and garlic turned out wonderful with the seasoning too.. Hmm.. Maybe I should try it on turkey for X'mas?

I am motivated. Later today, I will scour the supermarket again, and see what else I can whip up..! In the meantime, it's back to design work... but before I do, here's a quote for budding cooks out there...

Cooking is at once child's play and adult joy. And, cooking done with care is an act of love.

--Craig Clairborne

Cold Feet Part II

Coincidentally, like Pris, I am experiencing my fair share of cold feet, though of a different kind.

I have for a long time, had wanted to do something different - say drama or dance or an extreme sport. It's a small part of me that seeks a certain thrill once in a while. This urge strikes just once out of the blue, and when it does, it's best described by the phrase "strike while the iron is hot". Wendy knows fully well what this means. Each time I agree to do something out of my usual comfort zone, she'll encourage me. She'll make me commit to it lest I change my mind. She makes sure I don't back out. But at the back of her head, she knows that I may just chicken out after that. Cold feet.

Like Pris, I have been wondering why I have been having cold feet lately. Each time I go for my salsa class, a million thoughts go through my head. What if I don't remember the steps? What if I'm really lousy? What if... And I think of not going. But Wendy pushes me on... And I go... And after class, when I realise I've got all the steps, someone mentions going to some public place to practise, I go... cold feet. My immediate reaction would be - sure, it'd be fun. It'd be nice. I can meet new people. Then after a while, I go.. ya, right.. They're all pros there... they know their steps. I don't.. And I go.. err... Cold feet, or left feet, I can't quite decide. Maybe it's just a little of both.

It's not just at dance. After my episode with Mark, I seem to have cold feet when thinking about commitment. I think and ask myself if I can ever find a guy I can trust. I ask myself if I really do need a guy. Maybe I'm better off single. I can do my travelling and my spa. I can visit places and pamper myself. I can do what I want without any worries about my commitment to another. But at the back on my head, my conscience haunts me. Maybe I am running away from something... Maybe I'm just afraid.

I look at my life ahead of me, and I think - what is my purpose on earth? I feel lost. I feel that I am wandering aimlessly. I don't even know what I am looking for. Right now, I feel like I lack a vision, and objective in my life. I wonder what drives me now. Before, I used to work as though I will marry some day, have kids and be a good wife and mother. Somehow, I am beginning to feel that this vision eludes me. My vision of my future now draws a blank. I don't know what I am to do.

And so, in self-reflection, I ask myself if all the new things I am doing now - is it a case that I am just pushing myself to the limits to explore my fullest potential? Or am I just trying to reach out in all directions like a greedy octopus to try to fill the gap in my life. Somehow, I feel it is the latter.

I remind myself daily that God put me on earth for a reason, and I have a religious obligation to fulfil my duty here on earth. Somehow, I think I am blind to His signs, and deaf to His call. I have no idea what I should be doing, or if what I have set out to do is in line with what his will calls for me. I feel so helpless in this situation without a direction in my life. I can't even call it a crossroad! I have no decision to make. I find it so ironical that despite so many things I am doing now, and the projects that await me, I find myself with a lack of drive, and I just don't know what to do!

As Pris feels uneasy with the new life that await her, I too feel uneasy with the thought of the uncertainty of the future. We both wonder and worry. We both are having cold, heavy feet that resists moving to the beat in this dance of life. I hope they will warm up soon.

Thank God It's Friday!

I woke up this morning with the sun shining in my face. I am usually not one who sleeps in, but I had a late night. Wendy came over my place, and we were tying ribbons for the programme cards for tonight's dinner at the Ritz Carlton. With 125 cards to tie, and just us being anal that the bows should be in perfect shape, we didn't finish til 2am! But it was all worth it. Laughter and gossip kept us awake. After Wendy left, I took a shower and plonked myself in front of the TV, watching a rerun of the final episode of Joe Millionaire on Star World.

At least I could sleep in late today. Poor Wendy had to help her mum pack her luggage cos she's leaving for a holiday. Yes, something again common between Wendy and I - we always have to help our mums pack their luggage, and tell them not to clip that stupid-looking waist pouch around their waists cos it makes them look like the "sell-drink auntie". Things we do to make our mums look nice and young... Hip even.

Wendy must be sleepy now. Today will be another long day for her. We have a whole day planned out. She's at work right now. Will get down to Ritz Carlton in the afternoon to ensure the logistics are all done nicely. She'll have one of the rooms there to freshen up. Come dinner, she's to ensure things run smoothly... and then, it's time to let the hair down and party!! We plan to do something tonight. Maybe get to one of the bars to practise our salsa, or drop by Harry's for good jazz music... or we'll see what the others have in mind and just go along.

As for me, I am getting used to my Maria job. After I woke up, I packed my brother's lunch, did the laundry, and cleaned the house. After this, I'd be preparing his dinner for tonight. The sun's shining really brightly, so if my body has any energy left, I may just go for a swim. Wendy and I have a hotel room booked, so we don't have to worry about taking a cab home after tonight's dinner. So, I'd be checking in later in the afternoon, followed by a facial, and then off to dinner. Will be seeing all my ex-colleagues again.. :)

Yeah! Mum just called from Canada. Glad to hear her voice. She's having a nice time.. said she played with snow, took lots of pictures, and is now shopping at some place.. Said she bought me a pair of Nine West sandals.. How sweet of her. It's the same when I go travelling.. I end up buying things for others! Chip of the old block! Sigh... I really do miss her. I won't see her til next year after I get back from Sydney... Wow!

Two friends of mine are really happy now. In my head, I can see their shy smiles and glowing faces. It warms my heart to know they are both enjoying themselves and having a good time. Whenever I think about them, I smile too. I wish I could give both of them a hug right now and tell them - hey, I'm happy to share in your happiness. I really am. :)

A good public holiday...

I guess I can never understand how some people can laze at home the whole day. Somehow, when I do that, I feel depressed... So, yesterday, I was glad I started out my day early. Met Wendy for rollerblading at 9.30am, and worked out a good sweat for two hours. I guess we could have bladed some more cos when we talk and blade at the same time, time just passes so easily. But the dark clouds hovered over us, and before we could even ungear ourselves, drops of rain fell on us. When the rain eased a little, we made our way to the nearby Ya Kun coffeeshop where Wendy had her third cup of coffee for the day... I think she should have a share at Ya Kun!

We went home after that. I had a nice warm shower, followed by a hearty lunch... then we met again and headed for Raffles City. She had her hair coloured and trimmed, while I roamed about for a while... Grace joined us a little while later. The place was just too crowded, so we decided to head home. Grace's eyes are still sore.. They are irritating her. The doctor tells her it's cos of accummulated dust. I think otherwise. I tell her it's the accummulated sex pages she's been reading on Cosmopolitan... :) Tsk.. tsk...

Wendy came over to my place, and I cooked her risotto. She said it was nice. :) It was supposed to be a mushroom recipe, but I added in black pepper sausages and bacon... Being a chilli addict, she stirred in sambal belacan herself.. She says it's fusion food! We talked and gossiped over dinner... it was really good... Time with Wendy... :)

After she left, I caught my favourite show on TV - Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. In short - man rapes girl; girl kills herself; girl father finds out; police cannot find enough evidence to convict rapist; father kills rapist - and guess what? Father gets jailed for murder! Man! And you thought life couldn't get more complicated...

My mum sent me an email. She's having a swell time at Canada. She said she ate frozen durians - had to heat it up in the microwave before eating them. But she said it was the best durian she's eaten for a while... She was having gelato ice cream too.. Hmmm.. and she told me she was going there to lose weight? I don't think so...!

Today, I'm attending the second half of the Macromedia Authorware course. I sat through the lesson on Monday without any idea what I was doing. I was just following the instructions of the tutor blindly. Today, I think I will do the same. I can't wait for this to end. I'd rather be swimming or rollerblading or doing the website for the Jesuits. Counting down... Seven more hours to go...

Alright, the lesson has started.. You take care, and have a good day! Catch up will all of you sometime soon!

My first salsa class

I finally plucked up enough courage to sign myself up for salsa classes. Well, I did so only cos Grace and Wendy promised to go for the classes too. So, today, when Wendy sent me an SMS to say she couldn't go, I had ready a million and one reasons why I shouldn't go for the class. Grace had sent me a message the previous night to say she had sore eyes. I had a feeling she couldn't make it too. Thoughts ran through my head - I'd be alone, I'd be a klutz, I'd be totally lost... I started to imagine a class full of young people with solid bods dancing in beat while I struggled with remembering the steps. But I took a deep breath, and I told myself - NO! I have to go for it!

Wendy could make it for the class at the last minute - hurray! But as expected, Grace couldn't. She gave us a lift to the dance studio and told us to have fun... And fun we did have! Max told us earlier that footwear for salsa classes was heels with straps, so there we went, with three-inch heels. Guess what? We were the only ones with those heels! Everyone else were in flats! I felt cheated at first, but I soon realised that it was much easier to do the twists and turns with heels.. You look much more graceful too! My classmate from junior college was supposed to be the instructor, but she couldn't make it today. So, her dance partner taught us instead. He was really good at leading. I made it a point to partner him always during the class cos with him leading so well, I don't really need to remember the steps! Ha!! I had a fun time even though at some points, I was really a klutz... Even got the instructor amused! What the hell! I am there to learn, right?!! Now, Wendy and I can't wait for the next lesson, and maybe even go to some place to practise the steps we just learnt. Salsa anyone?

My mum left for Canada yesterday. I'm beginning to miss her already. Last night, before I slept, I felt something missing - her presence. She'd usually come back from work to tell me what happened at work. She'd relate everything - from what she did, what she said, who she saw... it was almost a ritual. I used to call it the "10 o'clock news". Last night, there wasn't any news. There was silence instead.

Mum not being around means I am 'Acting Domestic Minister' - i.e. acting full-time Maria, but with spending power. Yesterday, while most of my friends were out on hot dates or holiday, I was at Carrefour comparing prices of butterhead lettuce and pushing my way through a crowd of mostly aunties and uncles in less fasionable wear. I left Carrefour with four big bags of groceries, and the call of the durian seller ringing in my ears.. "Lai liew lian liew lian.. mai yi song yi... lai liew lian liew lian..."

Today, after dance class, I continued my grocery shopping at NTUC. After not cooking for so long (thanks to NIE!), I was suddenly at a loss of what to cook for my brother for dinner for the coming week. I finally settled on an Italian menu of pasta with snow peas and black pepper sausages, and maybe a side dish of baked potatoes... I think my brother will love that. It's time for me to experiment on all those recipes again! Tuesday, I will be cooking risotto for Wendy too.. Maybe make lagsana.. how about grilled bell peppers, aubergine and mushroom, laced with balsamic vinegar and herbs? Hmm... the cook in me is alive!!

As I sit here typing away, I feel happy. Happy that I went for the salsa class, happy that Wendy went with me, happy that my brother's in a better mood, happy that a friend of mine is happy, and happy that I have come to terms with my emotions with Mark. I think it helped that he kept his word about keeping the friendship as it was. Hugs to him for that!

It's time for me to work on the project I have been putting off - the website for the Jesuits. Fr Heng just called me - it's a sign for me to start on the work - OK, Deborah... stop procastinating and start working!! When I complete the project, I'll invite you all for a visit at the website ok? :)

Before I leave you, I'd like to share with you an email from Grace 1. In the email, she said, I wonder you know, why God plopped me into ur life and vice versa. I wanna ask him wat kinda plans he has in store for us? I wondered too. We have not met since we left secondary school. What reason was there that we should meet all of a sudden? Like her, I think God had a plan, and like her, I wished I knew what it was. But that is the way life is sometimes. We are faced with uncertainties and mysteries. We do not always understand. But amidst the current mystery, I am thankful. Thankful that God plopped her into my life. There must be a reason, Grace. We don't have to know what it is at the moment. We just have to enjoy the continuation of our friendship now. Thanks for re-visiting my life again! :)

And to all my muslim friends... Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!!

Happy Day

I have not laughed so much for such a long time. I was celebrating my 28th year on earth with a whole bunch of close friends, each whom I have met along life's journey - from primary school right up til NIE - and of course, my mum, brother, cousin and her husband. With good food, and a good sense of humour and wit, we all had a fun time just joking and laughing and reminiscing over good old times... My mum even had a DJ call me so that all of us could be heard on national air! Thanks, you guys, for making my birthday special... and for the rest of you for all your kind wishes, emails and SMSes.. You all really made me feel so loved and special. :)

I spent the day with Pris yesterday. We were supposed to swim to burn up all the cake and fried food we ate the day before, but alas, the weather had to spoil our plans - it rained! And so, we went window shopping and ate instead! For some strange reason, I kept thinking chocolate cake, and so came back home to finish up the remaining one third of my birthday cake. Today, I feel a tonne heavier. It's time to exercise again...

Next month, I'd be going for another blood test to check on my cholesterol level. I can picture my doctor frowning on the results. I can picture him shaking his head in disappointment. I can picture him asking me "What have you been eating, Deborah? What did I tell you about all those food...?" And I can picture myself lowering my head in guilt and shame... I think I will be a good girl from now on... Salad, here I come again!

I think I am beginning to feel better about Mark. He sent me an SMS on my birthday. It read "Happy B'day! I didn't forget this year!" Ah yes. For once, he didn't. It always slips his mind year after year, but this year, he remembered. I was touched. That was an indication to me that he's keeping his word about keeping the friendship as it is. I respect him for that. And it made me feel happy. It helps to know that at least I still have the friendship.

My mum will be leaving for Canada tomorrow. So, today will be day out with mum. She wants to do a massage, and has asked me to join her... How can you say no to that, right? When mum leaves, Deb will take over as Maria... Dread... I've cut my fingernails short in anticipation of the housework and cleaning I have to do. Can't wait for Sydney!!

A friend of mine has been feeling down lately. She doesn't know what's on her mind, or what's troubling her. She feels a sense of loss, helplessness, and confusion. She thinks she's being a coward in not being able to face her troubles. She thinks it's all her. I worry for her when she gets like this. I think she's being too hard on herself. I think she should realise that she cannot be all things to all people. I think she's a beautiful person who has yet to realise the true beauty in her character. I hope she feels better soon. I hope to see her smile from within again. I feel sad when my friends are sad...

Feel better soon, OK, my friend? :)

A moment with God

I went for evening Mass yesterday. I was feeling down, and I just felt that a quiet moment with God would help. I guess it really did.
I went to church early, and sat by the grotto. I looked at the statue of our lady, and I broke down in tears. I just cried and cried and cried. I asked God why was I feeling so much pain, why was it so difficult to let go, why do I have to feel so strongly for someone if it was never meant to be. I told God that if this was the way my life should be, then give me strength, give me patience. Give me wisdom that I may see His ways.

I enjoyed the moment I had speaking to the Big guy above. I feel he always listens. I feel a sense of comfort. And though he doesn't talk much, he does make me feel all better somehow.

Two days back, I contemplated as to whether I should invite Mark to today's dinner. All my close friends will be here. Should I? Shouldn't I? I almost decided not to when my mum asked me twice if Mark was coming. I thought that was a sign. So, with much apprehension, I sent him an SMS, inviting him for today's dinner. He didn't reply. I wondered if he was keeping his word in saying that he won't let what I had revealed to him affect the friendship. I wondered if I had done something wrong. I wondered if he thought me a pain... I wondered.

I tried to shrug the whole matter off. I told myself, forget it. It's OK. He needs the time. He needs the space. I should respect his decision. And though the brain rationalises it all so well, the heart somehow decides to react otherwise. I couldn't help but feel down.

But yesterday during Mass, he finally replied to the sms. No, he won't be coming cos he's got some other appointment. He apologised for the late reply. It's OK, I said. It's really OK. Maybe both of us really need time for a while before things can get back to normal. At least he's keeping his word on keeping the friendship. I guess I can't ask for anything more than that.

I will start the morning of my 28th year with a quiet moment with the God again - to thank him for the many blessings He has bestowed on me, especially my family and friends.

A moment with God... Peace. Silence. Serenity.

Keeping busy

I have been kept busy these few days with lots of activities. Yesterday, I went to the Gold 90 FM Concert in the Park at Fort Canning with my mum, Grace and Wendy. By the time I got back, it was close to 11pm. I quite enjoyed myself listening to all the old songs, especially the standards... I had to go on stage cos my birthday happens to fall in November. There was a whole group of us, and we were "saboed" into leading the chicken dance! I had fun though... Once in a lifetime chance of doing the dance in front of a large crowd.. I mean, how often do you get to do that, right?!

This morning, I met Chen Ying and Pamela. We went to Sentosa to rollerblade. They lied to me. They said they weren't good at blading. Man! They were my slave masters! There was this stretch of road that was really uneven, and they just bladed as though it was nothing! And there I was, like a total klutz, with hands waving in the air, trying to gain my balance. At the end of the two hours, I looked a total mess. But I am thankful to them. Without them pushing me on, I don't think I would have bladed that much. It brings me to think - sometimes, you have to be pushed beyond your comfort zone to know what you can do. Hey Chen Ying and Pam - thanks!

Tomorrow, I'm gonna meet my dad for tea. He sent me an SMS this morning, and asked if I were free to meet tomorrow. How nice. It's been a long while since we met.. There must be lots to catch up on. Am looking forward to that...

Wednesday, I'd be dropping by NUS to catch up with my former colleagues. Then in the evening, I have a whole bunch of people coming down to my home. Mum's cooking mee siam and other stuff... Big feast again!

Thursday is day out with Pris... Friday is salsa day... Mum's flying off on Saturday... Lessons on salsa again on Sunday... I couldn't make it yesterday for the first salsa class, so my friend Fi - who is the instructor, sent me an sms to ask me to come down earlier next week for "make-up lesson"... Wow! Really keeping busy!

In a way, all these things are keeping my mind off Mark. In a way, I think it's good, but I don't think it's a long-term solution. I know I have to deal with the emotions in me, and learn to control them. I still think about Mark once in a while, and wonder if I had indeed spoilt the friendship. Sometimes, I sink into the "Am I not good enough?" mode. And once in a while, I wonder if I will ever love again. But I think of what Uncle J said to me. I take a deep breath, and I look ahead. I take courage in what he said, and it gives me strength. I know it's not me. It's just that the time is not right.

As the year draws to an end, I think back and reflect about what happened this year, and I think in all, it has been a humbling experience. I used to think I was a supergirl, that I could do it all, that I had infinite strength, and that time was always on my side. I didn't know what "no" was. Now, it's a different story. Ever since I was admitted to the hospital for viral fever, I have learnt to realise that I am no super woman. I get sick more often now, as my resistance is lower. I learn to step back and do less. I learn to expect less of others too. I used to be the one giving advice to all around me, telling them what to do, what not to do. Now, I find the roles reversed. I feel vulnerable when it comes to matters of the heart. I don't know what to do, how to react. And I find my friends around me telling me what to do, giving me advice, lending their support.

It takes a lot for one to admit that one is weak at something, especially when one has been doing well in almost all aspects of her life. I have learnt to understand what it means to fail. I have learnt to understand that failing is OK. And what matters is that I pick myself up again.

I used to avoid doing things that I am weak at. It's an ego thing. But now, I know that's just running away from it all. Wendy told me once that's just the "perfectionist" self in me at play. I think I have to agree with her. Sometimes, I feel that everything in my life has to be so perfect, that I expect myself to be perfect too. And that sometimes means avoiding things that make me less perfect. But I have learnt that I do not grow when I do this. I have to learn... And so, I swallow my pride, and learn to laugh at myself these few days. I laugh when I am a klutz at rollerblading, salsa, tennis, Mandarin.... those are all just my weaknesses, waiting to be improved on. Sure, I may not be an expert at all of these even after many tries, but at least I overcome my fear of failing, and push myself and give myself a chance to be as good as I can be.

I may not be perfect, but I am me.

I am Loved

I am a believer that all things happen for a reason, and my experience with Mark has shown me something I had overlooked - the fact that I am loved. I am loved by all of you, my friends, and my family. And I should be more than thankful for that.

Magdalene sent me an msn after she read the blog the day before. It said, you're a cheerful and enthusiatic person and one day you will find that someone special. Take care okie? Hugs......

Ian called me up to see how I was even though he himself is just as bad a situation as I'm in.

And other messages and emails came pouring in.

Wendy called me often to check if I were OK. Pris left a beautiful message on the blog. All these brought tears to my eyes. I treasure every single word all of you have left me, to comfort me, and to make me feel better.

I went out with Wendy, Grace and Pamela to watch Hossan LIVE yesterday. We decided to go to the Esplanade after the show to just sit and talk. We eventually came to the topic of men. I could sense that Wendy and Grace felt uneasy, wondering if I'd be OK. I'm glad that I was OK about it. I told them exactly what happened, and I tried to look at the bright side of things. I was glad I didn't cry again. Maybe I'm on the road to recovery.

Grace stayed over at my place last night. I had a good talk with her. I told her that the most hurtful part was not being given a chance. I was also afraid that I had hurt the frienship. That, I felt, was worse than not being given the chance. I knew things would all be for the better at the end of it all, but I was wondering if things with Mark would be back to where it was before - will it be better, will it be worse? Only time will tell.

Uncle Joel sent me a beautiful email this morning - part of it read: What I do want to say is that it's not about you. You are one of the dearest people I know, a good heart and a caring soul. And absolutely deserving of love and happiness. This situation now only means your time has not arrived. Believe absolutely that it will. I do.

The message brought tears to my eyes again. It was as though Uncle J knew what I was thinking all these while at the back of my head "Is it me?". I agree with him - perhaps my time has not arrived yet.

My other friend Grace 1 said something that put things into perspective. She said - Life is like a fast food drive thru. We make our orders to God, but have to wait for our "burgers" to be ready. Mine's a special order. That's why I have to wait longer. She told me "Don't drive off too soon, Deb, or when your burger's ready, you won't be there to collect your special order."

Perhaps I do get hungry once in a while, and am tempted to give up and just drive off. Sometimes, I just get tired and impatient. But with the thought that even God loves me that much to take time to make me my special order, shouldn't I be ever more patient?

So I guess at the end of the day, I should realise that although Mark doesn't love me the way I'd like him to, I need to learn and know that I am still loved in more ways than one. And for that, I should be thankful.

To all of you - you know who you are - thank you for loving me. You have given me strength and courage and confidence to stand up again. I love you too! :)

Mission Completed

I have not cried so much for the longest time. This morning my eyes resemble that of any goldfish. I think the tear glands have been overworked. The heart feels sore, as though in quiet pain. The head tries to take over by rationalizing. I try to put on a brave front. But deep in me, I feel like I'm in shreds.

As you would have guessed by now, the feelings were not mutual. It took a lot out of me to finally tell him "I think I still like you". He wasn't surprised. He said he expected it. He said I wasn't the first of his many female friends to tell him. He said he always saw us as friends, and that there was no possibility of going beyond that. He said don't worry, the friendship will not be spoilt. He said good for me that I finally said it all out after so long.

I tried not to cry as I heard those words. But I couldn't control myself. I knew it was coming, but I gathered all the courage I could to finally say it. I kept saying in my head "stop being a chicken" as I stumbled on how was the best way to let him know how I felt all these while. I was finally proud I did it. But the hard truth hurts.

He was kind enough to let me sob as he sat in front of me. He kept saying "Deborah, Deborah", probably his way of saying "it's OK". He was calm and cool about it, and I admired him for that.

In the car on the way back, we spoke like nothing had happened. In a way, I was glad that he didn't let it affect the friendship. I may not have gained a relationship, but at least I was able to keep the friendship. And for that, I should be thankful.

I kept Wendy awake til 2am this morning - thanks, Wendy... She let me pour out my thoughts and tears. She tried to make me feel better with comforting words. She tried to let me see the positive side of things. She felt relieved for me. She asked me to stop asking myself questions - questions like "Why me?" "Is it me?" "What's so wrong with me?" "Am I that bad?". Questions that question my self-confidence and self-esteem. Deep in me, I know she's right.

I soaked up a good stack of tissue. I couldn't quite comprehend why I was crying so much. Maybe it's relief, maybe it's hurt. Maybe it's a mixture of both. Maybe it's a sense of loss, maybe it's because I was thinking if cupid will ever strike his arrow on me.

I told Wendy I'm tired. I'm tired of having to have this fragile heart of mine broken time and again. It feels shattered, and I feel that I've got to have a lifetime of glue to stick it back to together again. I don't know how much longer I am able to do this over and over again. It's tiring.

I woke up this morning and looked out of the window. The grounds were wet, but the sun was beginning to rise. The skies must have cried together with me as I went to sleep. The sun is shining brightly now - maybe I should be like it. Looking at the positive side of things, at least I know if I die today, I know I've let Mark know how I felt. At least I still have the friendship which I treasure so much. At least I can move on with life, leaving behind the thought of "what if". At least I know how I should treat Mark from now on. I can see our beautiful friendship continuing to grow as I now know there is nothing between us. Perhaps it's all for the better.

For all that has happened, I know the Big Guy above has some plans for me. I know the road I should take will not be an easy one, but it's comforting to know that as I journey through my life, I have friends, family and the good Lord above to give me strength and comfort. For that, I am thankful.

My brother came into my room last night when I was on the line with Wendy. He saw me crying uncontrollably. He brought me my two teddy bears to hug, and rubbed my head - his way of saying "It's OK - Your brother still loves you". To my dear brother, Wendy, Pris, Ian, Grace, Addie, Juliana and all of you out there who have been giving me your encouragement and support - thanks. As I try to get on with my life and see what I can learn from this experience, I know I can count on all of you for moral support.

I still love Mark now - though maybe in a much different way.

Wendy's right. I feel a sense of relief now.

Time Out

For the first time in my life, I went to see a movie on my own yesterday. It was one of those days I just wanted to be alone. So I went to Tampines Mall, booked myself a ticket for Intolerable Cruelty, and watched the movie alone. I actually enjoyed it - but would have probably enjoyed it even more if not for the Ah Beng sitting two seats away from me who kept talking on his handphone and answering his smses as though the show wasn't on. Irritating!!!

I enjoyed the witty exchange of lines between Catherine Zeta Jones and George Clooney... poetry, lines from Shakespeare.. wa... One line that particularly struck me was when she said "It's funny that even after you've attained your goal" and he continues "you still do not feel satisfied". I think that's very true.

I mean, how many times have we said that "I'd be very happy if...." and when we get that if, we still don't feel that happy, and want even more? Take weight for one. I've known of people who said that they'd be happy if they were X weight. And when they reached that weight, they'd say X-1... and so on... Same with money. Same with love. Are we ever really happy? Which brings me to what I had mentioned in one of my earlier blogs - we never really appreciate what we have til we stop having it.

I wake up each morning these days, thanking God for the day. I try to make it a point to do so. I think that there are a million and one things in my life to be thankful for, and be happy about. I shouldn't take these things for granted. I take each day as a lesson from God, as though He's leading me in some sense.. It's like He's saying, "This is your lesson for today..." And what I experience, hear, read, see, and do with the people I meet is like the "practical" part of the lesson. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't - just like all lessons we have in school. The good part is that you can repeat your "exams" without having to pay your bond :)

And so I learn, day by day... Time alone is time for me to reflect on such things. Time for me to recollect. Time for me to see if I've been taking things for granted too much. Time for me to see if I've been too self-centred. Time for me to see if I've given more than received. And time for me to heal wounds that have not yet been healed. I hope you find such time for yourself too.

Tomorrow is THE day. I try not to think too much about it. My brother is egging me on. He says carpe diem. He says it's now or never. He says it's gonna be OK. Somehow, I think not. I think shut the gap. Hide it like you've always done. I think I'm gonna be disappointed. I think I'm gonna cry. I'm thinking - should I end the night with Mark tomorrow with joy or with tears. If I decide to say it all, what am I gonna say? Where should I start? What will he think? How will he react? A thousand thoughts are going through my head right now. I am actually asking myself if I am really going to tell him. Maybe not?

This is what I wrote among other things in one of my letters to God two years back... (OK, think me weird, huh?)
You know that I could never sacrifice this friendship for anything that could be. I mean if I had wanted to express how I feel to Mark, I had to be very sure myself of many things, that I really like him to the point of loving him unconditionally, that I am ready for a commitment, and that I can see myself living the rest of my life with him. I know it's kinda far-fetched.. but I'd rather not risk anything just to find out if there "could be". I love this friendship too much, and if anything changes, it has to be for the better.

Two years on, and I finally make my decision. Two years on and I feel more sure of how I really feel about Mark. Two years on and I still love this friendship, but I'm heading for a possibility of a "better". Two years on, and I am still afraid. Afraid that I may lose something I have always treasured.

Will I?

A Good Sunday

I had a wonderful Sunday. Started the day in the morning baking blueberry muffins... Fluffy golden brown blueberry muffins with walnuts. Served them to my mum and brother when they woke up. Then, I went to church with my brother, and got him his handphone after that.

My brother's in a shopping mood. He's a funny guy. Once or twice a year, usually coinciding with the school holidays, he will contribute to the economy of Singapore by buying what I call "gizmoz" stuff - all things computer and electrical.. Little gadgets, computer games, upgrade his computer, etc. He's recently on his shopping spree again. Bought himself a sleek PDA just last week, and yesterday, a handphone. He's happy with his new toys, and it warms my heart seeing him so happy. It's like seeing a contented little boy... so cute.

I met up with Priscilla for lunch too. We had garlic bagel and chocolate brownie. It was quite funny... You see, both of us love chocolate, especially if it's warm on a cake and oozing down. So when we ordered the brownie, we asked the man to heat it up for us "til the chocolate on top melts". So he did it.. I think he kinda overdid it. The chocolate didn't melt, but the brownie turned out hard like a cookie! After two bites, Pris and I conceded that it was just too hard to be called a brownie and requested for a change. The man was so nice.. he said "I think I'd heat it up at the normal timing". And there we had it.. nice warm brownie with oozing chocolate, which I scooped to spread on my garlic bagel. I also did the Priscilla-buy-one-tea-get-two-tea-instead stunt. Only I got three cups of tea instead. I ordered one cup of tea and asked for 2 cups of hot water. Dipped the tea bag in all three cups, and there you have it! Saved money for the 2 hours plus we sat there just talking and talking. As usual, it was good meeting up and just talking again. Too bad Lee Yee couldn't join us. Her grandmother just had an op. Hope she's OK..

Then I met Wendy for rollerblading. I was late cos she went there earlier. By the time I met her, she'd done 12 plus rounds of the park. I was demotivated. I gave all kinds of excuses. "Hey, dark clouds are hovering", "It's gonna rain", "My blades are heavy" "No, lah - you're tired after that 12 rounds.. you need rest". But Wendy decided to be my slave-driver. With an imaginery whip, she pushed me on. I told her that I was done after two rounds. She refused to listen. She wasn't very sympathetic to the apparent pain I had in my shin. She didn't look like she had done 12 rounds. I thought she must have gotten her energy from her waist-length hair. Mine's only shoulder-length. I wore a grouchy face, but deep in me, I was thankful she was pushing me on. Just as I was motivated to go on, big drops of rain came splashing down on us. It was pouring more than cats and dogs! We quickly made our way to the nearest sheltered area, which was the void deck of some nearby block of flats. We sat and talked til the rain stopped. I didn't manage to have a good workout, but I had a good time just spending time with Wendy again. :)

Had a nice warm bath when I came back home, and snuggled into bed in front of the TV while my brother's friends were in the living room supporting their favourite football team. Two friends came. One was a supporter of Man U (like my brother), and the other, a Liverpool fan. The Liverpool fan came "to laugh at these two Man U fans". Unfortunately, he didn't get the last laugh. Man U won Liverpool 2 -1 in their home ground! Yippee!

I didn't watch the match. I was engrossed watching my favourite drama series Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Don't understand why they have to show it so late! I love all these crime/lawyer kind of shows. Makes you feel the world's not as simple as you think, and that the little problems you face in life is nothing compared to the complexities in these shows. Though it may not be real, but hey, who said it could not have happened?

And thanks to Chen Ying (who told me rugby's a fun game to watch) and my brother (who hogs the TV with either wrestiling or soccer or any other sports shows), I've become a rugby convert. It's the rugby world cup season. Really enjoyed the match between New Zealand and South Africa. Thought I don't quite fully understand the rules of the game as yet, it's thrilling to see these big burly guys ramming their way through. I particularly like this move - I call it the "ballet boys". One team member will throw the ball in, and there's another group to lift another of their team members to catch the ball. I only thought it happens it ballet.... Rugby boys looking graceful? Ha ha.. go check it out! The next good match will be the one between Australia and New Zealand.. Boy do I love it when the All Blacks do the "Ha ka". Here's how it goes..

Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
Nana i tiki mai whakawhiti te ra!
A hupane, kaupane
A hupane, kaupane whiti te ra!
Hi!

Don't ask me what it means, but I think it's like a battle cry. You can find out more at their website here.

Oh - I'd be meeting Mark on Wednesday for dinner. It's THE day. Let's see if I'd chicken out. I'm not feeling very daring now... Breathe... Breathe... Breathe..

Gotta go now. Have a date with my Designer Guys. Steven Sarbados is so cute! Check out the website.. The other guy's gay, I think...

DESIGNER GUYS

You take care. I'll be back to blog more soon!

Missing my closest friends

It's nice to be lazy once in a while. The holidays have started and I am just taking a long-deserved break. I think I owe it to my poor body who had retaliated with the bout of flu. The cough's still there, but I feel much better. Not well enough to start on my exercise regime again. I think I will start that on Monday.

The interview with the principal of Holy Innocents went on well. I'd have to let her know by next week if I want to join their school. They have vacancies. I'll think and pray about it over this weekend and see what the big guy above tells me...

In a way, I'm counting down to my holiday in Sydney. I think I will have a swell of a time there.... I hope. Grace 1 has been filling me in with all the details about where I should go, what I should do, what to eat (fried mars bars, anyone?)... Oh man! Can't wait!

Talking about holidays... I was watching Discovery Channel Travel and Adventure just now. They were featuring the top ten places to have a perfect tan. At once, I thought of Wendy. The first place they featured - Waikiki Beach in Hawaii! We were there last year. It was really beautiful. We really didn't want to go back! Every day is like a holiday there. They have people surfing at 6am in the morning! The sun's hot, but it's not humid. The people are very friendly too. You can see all the nice scenic places by clicking on the link at the side bar under "my hawaii pictures".

Thinking of that, it suddenly dawned on me that I had probably lost a travel partner. Wendy's got herself a flat with Jeff - boyfriend of 10 years. Which means wedding bells will be ringing soon. And obviously, they'd travel together. Wendy's got to save to pay for the furnishings and renovation of her new home too. So that leaves little opportunity for us to travel together again. Then I thought about Pris. She's gonna get married too. Same story. Suddenly, I felt sad, but happy. Happy for them, that they are getting on with their lives with the special someone with whom they will share the rest of their lives with. Happy to see them happy. But sad that things have to change.

I find that it seems inevitable that as friends move on with their lives, I have to accept the fact that I have to let go. Things cannot be the same as before. I cannot expect them to go out with me as often, or travel with me, or spend time with me. They have to spend time with their partners. I fully understand that. I think that if I were attached, I'd spend as much time as I can with my partner too. It's just that now I am not, and because they are, I feel lonely sometimes.

Loneliness is a feeling that is hard to explain. I sometimes may be in the company of other friends, or with family, but I still do feel lonely. It's like a void in the heart that needs tender loving care. It's times like these that I withdraw, and just want to be by myself - perhaps to deal with that fragile heart. But as I soon realise, the heart is a fussy one. It doesn't seem to respond well to self-treatment. It prefers to have the tender loving care of another. And so, when my closest friends realise the cry for care from my heart, I well up with tears of appreciation. It's like they have seen through me into my heart. It's really heart-warming. It's times like these that I am reminded that I should appreciate my friends much more. Sometimes, it's true - you never know what you've got til you've lost it.

Maybe it's just me PMS-ing again. But what I want to say now is that as my closest friends get on with the next phase in their lives, I think I will miss them. I am already now.

The spa and the interview

It's been a long day out. The spa treatment with my mum went on fine, though my mum still thinks Amrita Spa's still the best. I can't blame her. I think so too. But it was a relaxing moment to relish for me especially having had a few months of non-stop assignments. It's really a well-deserved rub-down! Now, I feel polished. The scrub and aromatherapy massage does wonders for the skin.

My meeting with the principal of St Michael's went well. A very pleasant lady who gave me another perspective of what it means to be teaching in a primary school. She even walked me to the canteen to see her little primary one "devils" during recess. The maternal instincts in me found all the cute little ones so endearing! There was this little boy that actually came up to the principal and offered her his snacks from his lunch box! According to her, he has been bugging her a few weeks back about decorating the school to celebrate halloween! Primary school kids these days sure grow up fast! Pris should know... she's got to face a whole bunch of them in school every day... well, almost!

I haven't made a decision yet if I want to teach there. Frankly, I really don't mind. But I'll meet up with the principal of Holy Innocent's tomorrow before I make a firm decision. Whatever it is, I'll let God lead. I know he knows what's best for me.

Went to collect our airtickets with Grace after the interview today. Sigh.. Simon said "Eh. you're getting fatter." What a thing to say, right? Maybe he's right. Ah... OK.. No more Malteesers, Ben & Jerry's, Mee Goreng..... It doesn't help that I've not been feeling well these days to continue on my exercise regime. The rain is no help either! Well, at least he's being frank. A big part of me just hopes it's all water retention.. but hey, I'm just kidding myself, right?

Thanks Pris for the encouragement. As the day passes, I feel more and more sure about how I feel about Mark. However, I feel less and less confident about the feelings being mutual. Maybe it's PMS... I know what you mean about the butterflies in the stomach, and heart skipping a beat. Come to think of it, I've always had them. Until today, I find it quite amazing that I've kept those feelings in me for so long. In a way, I'm looking forward to meeting Mark next week. Maybe it's just me wanting to unload my heavy heart...

I did the Finding Nemo test I found on Addie's website - hey, guess what, I'm NEMO. Here's what it's all about. You can find out your own character by clicking on the link below.. Go ahead, do it and let me know what you are OK? Fill it up under the comments. :)

I'll be back tomorrow with more blogging.. Gonna sleep now. Good night!




What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yesterday

I decided to stay at home yesterday, and have a well-deserved rest. In short, all I did was eat, sleep, watch TV, sleep, watch TV, ate and sleep. The cold came back, and I was afraid that the flu would too. So I popped in another two pills, took a long afternoon nap, and got up refreshed. I'm thankful I decided to do that instead of catching a movie, which I had planned to do. Today, I feel a whole lot better. :)

I'd be spending my day today with my mum. She's taken the day off, and both of us will be going for a massage at some spa at Stamford Court. It was a promotion thing - buy one get one free. It'd be a first massage for me in Singapore. Have had all my massages so far in Bangkok only. I hope it's good, and that I won't have some ah lian speaking to me!

After that, I will be meeting with the principal of St Michael's school. It's a primary school, but the principal said that if I was interested, she'll arrange for me to teach there. I don't know how she's gonna do it cos I'm trained for secondary school teaching... Oh well, I'll just leave my options open and let the Big Guy above lead where he wants me to go. Tomorrow, I'd be meeting up with the principal of Holy Innocent's High School. My friends tell me that's a highly chinese-speaking school. I ask myself if I can survive there... My Mandarin is as good as my Malay.

Wendy has not been feeling too well too. She's down with the flu bug. Had two days' MC but still went to work cos "there's so much work to do". I worry for her as she starts to work late again. I told her it's not a healthy work habit. I hope she breaks it. She went down to the docs again yesterday to get a stronger medication, but still went back to work. I hope she's managed to get some rest and is feeling better now. No coffee for you, Wendy!

I was supposed to meet up with Mark this week - perhaps to tell him how I feel, but he's busy this week. We'd probably meet up next week.

I was trying to retrieve some old documents the day before, and was going through all my back-up CDs. Then I came across letters I used to type out when I was feeling blue, stressed and confused. There were a few dated some 2 years back, and it wrote about how I felt about Mark then. I read and re-read them and realised that I felt the same way all these while, even way back before I wrote the letters two years ago. Tears welled up in my eyes. I don't know why, but I guess it's a mixed feeling of happiness and helplessness.

I guess I'm happy in a way that I know that this is not just a passing phase. It's something that has been in me for the longest time. I guess I am happy that I am sure of this feeling I have in me. In a way, I guess I am proud that I have been faithful to this feeling all these while. Yet, I feel sad and helpless that I cannot control the consequences of this feeling I have. I cannot force him to like me back. I cannot do anything. And being so much of an anal-retentive person who must always have some sort of control in her life, I guess it tears a big part of me to not be able to control something like that. This sense of helplessness is almost painful. Ahh... Love hurts!

Well, I guess til next week, I can only sit and wonder what will happen. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. And as I had mentioned to Pris once, we should worry less about the past and the future and focus on the present - so that I will TRY to do.

I will enjoy my today with my mum - it's been a long time since we went out together... I hope you enjoy your TODAY too.

It's finally over. Holiday's begun!

Finally, I'm over and done with grammar. Like my NIE classmates, over the last few days, I've been analysing every stupid sentence I come across and identifying the word class for every single word. Now, we can finally stop doing that. The test was a little tricky, and definitely tougher than the mock test we had. Oh well, it's all over now, and all we can do is cross our fingers that what we wrote turns out right.

We didn't get to Gelare today. Pam wasn't feeling too well, and I was couging my lungs out, so ice-cream didn't seem too good an idea. Instead, we ended up at the food court at Jurong Point. We stayed there til 4pm just chatting away after our hearty lunch. Our next plan is to have a BBQ at Debby's place! And my very quick-thinking classmates have asked me to invite Mark to the BBQ... well, we'll see... but I don't think so!

Tomorrow will be the start of my holidays. Somehow I am at a lost of what to do first. I have a long list of things to do, and I don't know where to start. At the back of my head, I'm planning tomorrow to be Deborah's Day. I'm going to just enjoy myself and have some ME time. Relax and recharge before I embark on my next project - probably the Jesuit website and Pris's wedding programme booklet.

I'm almost well except for the very bad cough. I am almost coughing my lungs out. The only good thing I can get out of this is that each time I cough, it flexes my abs. Maybe at the end of the cough, I'd have tough abs as nice as Lisa on "Are you HOT?" (Has anyone of you seen that show?!!).

OK - Looks like Pris is not the only one who can't see the pictures. Juliana told me this morning that she can't see the pictures too. I can't seem to understand why cos some people can see it, and some people don't. On some days, I can see the pictures, on some days, I dont'.. Well, I'll keep those pictures there so hopefully you can view them on your "lucky" day.. Refreshing your page helps sometimes... it also pushes up my counter so I look more popular (ha..!)

HEY - WELCOME BACK PRIS!! Good to have you back!