The Most Special of all Olympics

Every April, my son Garrison, participates in the greater Fort Worth spring track meet for Special Olympics. He participates in a running event, (this year it was the 100 meter dash and the relay race) and some type of tossing event (this year it was the javelin toss). It's something we, as a family, look forward to every single year and when it is over, we are all so sad.  It all begins with a fabulous opening ceremonies on Friday night where they do the torch run, have cheerleaders perform, honor athletes, have guest speakers and our families most favorite part, the dance they have on the football field! It is so awesome to see hundreds of athletes, all with different types of special needs, out on that field getting down to the music that the DJ plays! It is the one and only time you will see Garrison dance! He LOVES this part. We have so many awesome memories of this event and especially of Buddy out there dancing with me and the kids! This weekend marked the second time we attended since Buddy's death. To be honest, there were tears shed before we get there because we want Buddy with us so desperately. We miss having him dance with us, yell with us, and when Garrison wins gold, cry with us.


Some of the very last pictures we have of Buddy, were taken exactly 2 months before he was killed, at this event. Now, last year, I felt Buddy's presence so strongly. I knew without a doubt he was there. The kids and I have all had countless experiences where we felt Buddy near. We have been left with zero doubt that he walks with us, watches over us, cries with us, laughs with us (and I am sure AT us), dances with us and even sleeps next to us.  But I am here to say, the experience I had this weekend blew all of that out of the water.  I have had some VERY spiritual experiences with Buddy since his passing. Some I have shared, and some I have not, for those are just for him and I to share. Buddy was not a fan of sharing spiritual experiences with others. In fact, I'll never forget the conversation we had in regards to that one time. He believed that sharing an experience with others may diminish the experience itself. And he's right. It can. However, I have shared so much with my readers, more than I should perhaps, but I feel strongly that I need to share this one in particular.  Maybe it's because this blog is my journal and I want my kids to have it and always remember it. Maybe it's because ya'll have become family to me. Maybe it's because my story may help someone. I don't know why but I do know I am supposed to share it. So I hope each of you will read it with as much love and respect as I am writing it with. 

(Buddy and Garrison walking and talking at his track meet in 2012. Exactly 2 months to the day before he was killed.)

For the first time ever, Garrison participated in the relay race on Friday afternoon. In this race, there are 4 runners who each run a portion of the track while carrying a medal baton. When they reach the next runner, they pass the baton and then that athlete can begin their portion of the run. Garrison was the last runner for his team. The girls and I were nervous wrecks. My heart was pounding so hard. Garrison does not do well at all if he doesn't win! It's a nightmare trying to convince him that silver and bronze are still awesome. There is no convincing him! Even though I know he cant, nor will he, win every event, I always pray so hard that he will, just so we don't have to face the aftermath of him "losing". 

Garrisons teammate, and best friend, Chris was the athlete who would be passing Garrison the baton. I found that alone so heartwarming and precious. I see Chris hand Garrison the baton and the girls and I start screaming to Garrison to run!! We were jumping up and down and yelling like lunatics! He was winning by a mile! As he drew closer to passing in front of us, I knew Buddy was there. He was running next to him. I didn't see him with my actual eyes, but with my spiritual eyes. He was running with his boy. He was going to cross that finish line with him. And he did. I couldn't stop crying. It was too incredible. It was too spiritual. It was something I have never in my life experienced before.

As Garrison was walking with his helper to the medal stand, he saw me and grabbed me and hugged me so tightly. He said "I did it mom!" Tears were flowing like crazy! I wanted to ask him if he saw his dad running next to him but I didn't. That was answered later in the car when we were leaving. He was looking out the car window and I heard him say "Did you see that dad? I did it!" He knew his dad was running with him. 

Seeing these 4 special boys up on that medal stand, getting their gold medals was just so incredible. They smiled so big and even kissed them! They had just conquered something so huge! Something they had been practicing for several weeks! I cannot express how proud I am of not just Garrison but the other boys as well. It is such an honor to be there and watch each athlete participate! The smiles on their faces, the way the come up to anyone and everyone and show off their medals, the way they hug you, the way they burst with pride at their accomplishments...it is truly life changing!

 (The Alliance All-Stars gold medal relay team!)

I am grateful for the opportunity to be a part of such an amazing thing as Special Olympics. I am grateful for the experiences that my family has every single year!

Here is what I know....

Buddy is near. I know this. Whenever I say "I wish Buddy was here to see this" people always say "he sees everything" and I agree. He does. BUT...When I am saying that, I am saying that I want him physically here to share things with us. It is very different. I long to have him PHYSICALLY here to touch, hold, laugh with, cry with, kiss, dance with, watch softball games with, watch Garrisons events with...I want him here. I know that happened for a very brief moment on Friday. He was HERE! His smile matched the smile on Garrison's face as they crossed that finish line together. He was there to share that moment with his first born, his only son, the young man who impacted his earthly life so much every single day. 

I know Buddy misses us so desperatly. I know he understands differently than we do. He sees the whole picture but that doesn't stop him from missing us. I know we have a loving God who knows what we need and when we need it. I needed to know I wasn't alone. I need to know I wasn't forgotten and neither are my children. I know I was blessed with a rare find! I was blessed with a man who was unlike any other. I do not know how I got so lucky but I am so glad I did. My kids and I talk often about how blessed we were to have such an amazing man as my husband and their dad. I know everyone thinks they have the best. And for them, I am sure they do, but we got the cream of the crop!

So Buddy, thank you. Thank you for continuing to be the most supportive father and husband imaginable even from heaven. We miss you so much! We love you with all that we are. We will continue to work hard here while you work hard there! Please stay close.We got this!

The Miracle of Forgiveness

I hear people say "If that happened to me, I would ______" (you fill in the blank).  I'm guilty of saying the same thing many times throughout my life. Each of us always think we know exactly what we would do if we were in someone else's shoes.  The only problem with saying that is, you never know what you will do until you are smack dab in the middle of it. For example, if someone had told me on June 20, 2012, that Buddy would die the next day, and not only would he die, but he would be killed. And not only would he be killed, he would be run over by a truck and just left there on the side of the road like some animal.  If someone would have told me all of that 24 hours before his death, I would have said this "I will hunt the driver down myself and kill him with my bare hands.  He wont deserve jail. He doesn't deserve to live when my husbands dead."  That is what I would have said on Wednesday, June 20, 2012.  But on the morning of Thursday, June 21, 2012, that's not what I said or felt. 

When I read the words on Facebook saying that a runner had been hit, and if you were missing a member of your family, to call 9-1-1 immediately.  When I read that, in that moment, I knew.  I don't know how I knew, but I knew it was my husband.  I ran to the front door and looked out the peephole and saw his work car still out front, I couldn't believe it.  I knew our world was shattered forever.  I kept saying to myself, "He's just unconscious.  That's why he cant tell them who he is. That has to be it."  But to be honest, I knew! I knew the love of my life was dead. Now what I will say next, you may believe and you may not. But I have never lied to my readers and I never will.  I've always been very open and honest and that will never change.  What happened that Summer morning should never have happened.  The driver, Terry Knight, made a huge mistake.  What he did was wrong.  His actions not only changed our families lives, but he left us with so many unanswered questions and very broken hearts. The part you may not believe...I've never been mad at Terry Knight. 

Well wait. I take that back.  A week after Buddy died, I was in Flagstaff, getting ready to bury my husband.  My cell phone rang. It was the Sheriffs office.  They told me Terry had killed himself.  I started sobbing. I remember telling the Sheriff, "I just wish I could have talked to him. I wish I could have told him we were going to be okay."  I was mad at Terry in that moment.  With his death, Terry not only took his life, but he also took the how and the why's with him. I knew in that moment, I would never have the answers that would help to provide closure for me personally.  I wanted to know what he was doing that caused him to hit my husband.  I want to know why he ran.  Why didn't he stop and try to help him?  Those are questions I so desperately want answered, that now never will be.  That did make me mad. 

Many people have said to me "I could never do that.  I could never hit someone and just leave them there."  I agree with you. I don't think I could either. But, it goes back to you never know what you will do until you're in that position.  When I say that, please understand, I'm in no way excusing Mr.  Knights actions.  What he did was wrong, so incredibly wrong.  His actions destroyed a lot of lives that day, but be very careful when you say "I would never."

Without going through every detail into what happened that morning, I will share with you how the forgiveness happened.  It was a very personal and spiritual experience and as you read this, I hope you will do so with reverence and understanding.  Due to the spirituality of it, until now, I have not shared it with many but I do feel now is the right time to share it with each of you. Three officials came to deliver the news to me.  A sheriff, the coroner, and the Sheriff's office clergyman.  They asked me a few questions about Buddy's body that would help them to know without a doubt that it was him.  When I confirmed it by telling them he had scars running up the side of each foot and all the way up to his mid claves, they gave me the official news that Buddy had been hit and killed by a hit and run driver.  My next door neighbor and dear friend Justin had already told me as he had gone to the scene of the accident and already spoke to them. However, looking at these 3 men, it all became so real.  I believe my first question was "Did he suffer?"  I was assured it was instant and he never even saw it coming.  As I stood there, listeneing to these men tell me how they believed everything happened, something miraculous happened. I asked them "What are the chances of us finding the person who did this?"  They replied "with the evidence we already have? About 90% chance." And then it happened....

As I stood on my front porch, a feeling overcame me. It started in my toes and traveled through my body , finally leaving through the top of my head. I physically felt it travel throughout my entire body.  It was incredible. For a brief moment it scared me as I didn't know what was happening, but then a peaceful feeling overcame me, a feeling of peace I've never felt before.  This thing traveling through my body? It was all the hate and anger for the driver.  It was being taken from me. It was God and I also know it was Buddy as well. They were taking that from me.  Why? Because they knew it would eventually destroy me.  Right there, on my door step, I forgave Terry Knight.  It was the most beautiful and spiritual experience of my life.  I did not know this then, but it has since been made clear to me.  My loving Heavenly Father knows the grieving process.  He knows it entails of being angry.  That is part of getting through the hurt and ultimately healing your very broken heart.  As I previously stated, He knew that my anger, if directed towards Terry, would destroy me, so He took that from me and instead, allowed me to direct my anger towards Him. I've spoken of this anger before and even lost two "friends" over that particular blog post.  But, I promise, each of you, it was all part of Gods plan.  He knew my anger towards Him would not last forever. He knew I would see the light and recognize my blessings and all He does for me every day. He knew that one day, I would remember and feel the power of His love.  He knew He could handle anything I may say to Him.  He knew I would get through  that stage. He knew, because He would help me.  He would send angels to hold me while I lay there and curse Him.  He knew how I was strong enough to get through that because He, Himself, made me strong enough.  He believed in me. He always has and He always will. 

Here is what I know......

My forgiveness of Terry Knight did not come from me. I am not some remarkable person who forgave this man out of the goodness of my heart. God took that from me.  Becasue of the love that my Heavenly Father and Buddy have for me, they together, took it form me.  I felt both of them so strong that morning and in that very moment.  It was very clear to me that Buddy had too forgiven Terry. He gave me immediate confirmation that he loved me.  That he missed the kids and I so much but that he was ok.  That was the first of many times I would feel that, including right this moment as I'm writing this.. I know Terry Knight has a lot to answer for.  I know many of you who knew and loved Buddy, do not forgive him for taking Buddy's life and that's ok.  That is a very individual thing.  I have been told by many that he is a coward for killing himself.  Again, you're entitled to feel that.  For me, I know the Lord will deal with Mr. Knight in His way.  Justice will be served by God himself.  The one and only true judge.

Terry left behind a wonderful, loving, caring and kind mother who struggles every day.  He left a wonderful step dad and step siblings all who loved him very much.  They are just as innocent as the kids and I.  So when you pray for us, pray for them.  Forgiveness is a beautiful and yet difficult thing. I'm so blessed to have had such an incredible experience.  I hate that this is the life my children and I now have but I fully recognize the miracles that have occurred.  This story I just shared with you being the biggest miracle of all. Because I have a loving husband who is now in heaven and a loving God..I got this!!!

A Moment of Silence

I love my blog. I love that so many readers have sent me emails and comments and messages at how my blog has helped them.  How reading about my journey through these last 18 months has somehow impacted them and their lives.  I am honored that you, my readers, come and check in and take a few short minutes to sit and cry with me, laugh with me, and hurt with me.  I am often asked if I keep a journal.  I don't  This blog is my journal.  So, to my readers,  who have been so encouraging and supportive of me, I apologize for my hiatus from blogging. I can only tell you that the last few months have had several ups and downs and to be honest, I just didn't know what to say.  But, here I am, ready to give it a shot.

I have a huge fear of letting others see me weak.  It's a very real fear to me.  I constantly hear 'You don't have to always be strong"  But the truth, as I see it, is that I do.  When you are constantly told how strong you are, how you inspire others, how your strength is the reason your children are doing so well, that tells me, I cannot show my weaknesses.  I do not for one minute believe that any of you, or my children, think that I am strong and smiling 100% of the time.  My kids have seen me cry or yell one too many times to be fooled but still. I hesitate to write because I fear y'all may think I am a phony after all.

Since Buddy was killed, I have had many failures, many successes, many tears and many smiles.  I have put myself through hours of guilt for each of those things.  I have loved again, and lost again. I have had my heart broken and been rejected. I have questioned every single thing about my faith, my church, my God, and myself.  I have gained new friends and lost friends but mostly, I have lost myself.  When I look in the mirror, I often do it with tears in my eyes. I talk to myself. Sometimes its a pep talk and other times it is just staring and crying.  I look as deep in my eyes as I possibly can searching for answers.  My eyes are sad and are missing the light they once had, and that saddens me.  But, I also see a fighter in there.  I see potential. I see greatness.  I see a strong woman, a weak woman, a believer, a sinner, a saint, a lover, a fighter, a perfectionist, a follower, a leader, and a woman who so desperately wants to do the right thing and to just be happy. A woman who will stop at nothing to make sure her children are happy.  And so my journey continues. A journey I am determined to excel at.

I have goals that I cannot wait to achieve. I want to go back to school. I want to become fluent in ASL (American Sign Language). I want to write a book, and speak to woman about how they too can survive losing their spouse.  I want to help others in any way I possibly can.  I want to make my children proud, Buddy proud, God proud and myself proud.  I want to move forward not as the woman who tragically lost her husband, but as the woman who survived the unthinkable.  I believe that maybe it is not my strengths that inspire people, but my weaknesses.  My ability to share with you that I am not perfect. Share with you that I have been found on my bathroom floor, just in a towel, too weak to get up. I have smiled more fake smiles than real ones.  I have shared with you some of my mistakes (nobody want's to know all of them).  I have shared with you my fears and my insecurities.  All of these things my appear to be weaknesses, but friends, it is those weaknesses that you connect with most because those weaknesses are you,  and they are me. They are what make us human.  Facing those weaknesses and refusing to succumb to them, that is what makes us strong.  You cannot have one without the other.

This is what I know....

Grief is a VERY individual thing.  There is no right or wrong way to go through it.  You can't go around it, over it, or under it.  Straight through it is the only way.  You will be criticized along the way.  You will be laughed at, made fun of, used, judged and rejected. Sad but true.  BUT, you will also be encouraged, supported, loved, treasured, comforted, and very very blessed.  You will go through every single emotion known to man.  You will direct those emotions, especially love and anger, at the right people but also at the wrong people.  You will look for answers everywhere you can.  In good places and in bad.  You will make mistakes of all sizes but you will also have great victories!  Victories that may not have been possible without those mistakes.  You will question everything but you will find answers when you are ready for them.  Those answers will come from within.  At the school where I teach, we have a motto.."Never, never, never, give up"  That is who I am friends.  I am a woman who never gives up. I never have and I never will.  Im sorry for my moment of silence but sometimes, it takes a moment to figure things out.  Which I will; when I'm ready.  I got this.