So I've been wanting to update my blog for quite some time. It's been practically a year since I've posted. I've tried at times to go back and add old posts but our pictures are such a mess that it's hard to find what I'm looking for so I give up. Yesterday, we went to our stake's family discovery day and I went to a class on writing your history. One of the quotes that hit me from Dennis B. Neuenschwander is:
A life that is not documented is a life that within a generation or two will largely be lost to
memory. What a tragedy this can be in the history of a family. Knowledge of our ancestors shapes
us and instills within us values that give direction and meaning to our lives.
My memory is so bad. I don't even remember what the kids were like as babies. I can't imagine 40 years from now. Neil also had a dream a few months ago where someone, maybe a future grandchild or something came to him complaining that they had no idea what happened in our family because I had stopped blogging.
Yes I know writing is not one of my strengths, thus one of the reasons I hate writing a journal. This blog was the only history I was keeping of my family. Neil asked me the other day when I got my smart phone. I got it last April, about the same time I stopped blogging. Once I got my phone I started using Instagram, with the intent to print chatbooks. That never happened and then I stopped using Instagram. I kind of took myself off of social media altogether. I am a private person and I didn't want people following me but once you're on Instagram, all your facebook friends find out and want to follow you. For whatever I reason, I stopped using Instagram as well and thus no documentation.
Another reason I haven't blogged is because we have 1 o'clock church. I usually blog on Sunday but now there is no time. I spend all morning getting ready for church with lesson prep and visits and then after church is dinner and family time and bed time. Today was the Provo Temple dedication so we were home by 11 so I decided I've got to start somewhere so I'll just start with the present.
Life too has just been really hard. I notice the times when I don't post are the times that I don't feel good. I'm still dealing with Hashimoto's and it's worse than ever. I have no energy or motivation to do anything. I put what little energy I have into cooking for my family and my calling. I volunteer 3 at the school and watch CC two days a week so that is about all I can do. Over the last couple years, my love for Neil has grown exponentially. He has picked up the slack at home with the cleaning, laundry, kids and never complained to me at least. He just does it. I don't know why I have to go through this, especially when I feel like my family is suffering so much. Neil always tells me that I'm doing more than I think I am. It's definitely been a lesson in positive thinking. It is so easy to dwell on everything that is wrong with my life and focus on that, which is the fastest route to misery and despair, instead of all the good things. I've not mastered this lesson yet and still have a long way to go but I see the blessing of looking at the positive. I've grown closer to my Savior and have a gained a testimony of the enabling power of the Atonement. There are so many days when I just have felt like I can't do all that is asked of me, but somehow I am and it's a miracle. I know the Lord is aware of me and loves me and strengthens me, often times through others, and sends tender mercies to bring me hope when I am down in the dumps. Anyway, I have an appointment with the Thyroid Institute of Utah in a week and I hope I'll get some answers. I've tried to get into another doctor with no luck. I hate the medical bureaucracy. Why are we not able to go to a doctor that will actually help. No they have to be on your insurance and you have to go to that particular clinic and yada yada yada.
Since I don't have much energy, there's been no energy for blogging, or sewing or reading, etc. It's not just the fatigue that's debilitating, but the weight gain and inability to lose weight. It doesn't matter how little I eat or exercise, I cannot lose weight. I started using myfitnesspal religiously, weighing and measuring everything I ate and eating 1200 calories a day or less plus exercising for an hour a day. I did this for 8 weeks and lost no weight, although myfitnesspal said I should have lost 10. I needed proof to show the doctor I was trying. Also, exercise just wears me out. I'm pretty wasted the rest of the day after exercising but the weight really bothers me and I don't feel like I can complain if I'm not doing something to help myself. With daylight savings time beginning last week I was not able to get up early to exercise and so it didn't happen and I actually felt good enough to do some laundry and organize a little. Neil was so impressed and asked what was different and I said I haven't been getting up early to exercise. It's so ironic, because exercise is actually supposed to give you more energy, not deplete it.
I also struggle with my mind. I can't concentrate. I have a hard time following conversations. I don't remember what I read or watch. When I prepare my lessons, I have to write everything down word for word and read it a ton of times. I feel like I have the early signs of dementia and maybe I do. What's hard is that it's hard to read and understand the scriptures and feel like I'm getting anything out of them, unless it's the main verses and stories I am already so familiar with. I read to bring the spirit but not so much for understanding right now. I went to Time Out for Women in Layton in February with my friend Kristin. It was really good for me. They stressed instead of saying scripture study, which can have a negative connotation, saying how can I bring the word of God into my life each day. It was like a light bulb came on. Yes we need to read the scriptures, but the hymns/music are scripture, conference talks are scriptures. Right now I gain understanding through music and talks more but I still open my scriptures each day.
There are so many things I'm dealing with that makes blogging hard but for posterity sake I'm going to try to do a little. Maybe it will be just a post a week or month but I've got to do something. Today at the temple dedication Elder Oaks, talked about family history work and since I was just at family discovery day yesterday, I've kind of got that push to do a little.
I love my family. They are my world. They are growing up and I want to always remember how they are at this time in their life.
Eliza wasn't old enough to go to the temple dedication so we didn't worry about giving her a bath this morning and opted for tonight when it won't be so hectic. She took her shoes off and looked in between her toes and looked up and said, "There is yucky stuff in my toes." Gotta love toe jam. Everything she does is just so cute.