resilience

came home and saw m*r b ean on tv; it brought me back to my younger days. those were definitely not simpler times, but reasonably happier times.

that's a lie.

when was the last time i felt truly happy? pure joy radiating from the very core of my being? perhaps that version of me died a long time ago, even before i could stuff it into some unknown recess of my brain. for as long as i can remember, days have been punctuated by incessant darkness and the worry of the unknown; a depleting fear of something immaterial and intangible which i  gasp to verbalise. perhaps that me never existed in the first place.

i read recently that, even while we do experience bursts of happiness and contentment when good things happen, we quickly move back to our baseline of our personal happiness. like how winning the lottery might provide temporary euphoria, but once this heady feeling wears off, life becomes unbearably mundane once more.

so what has changed between the young me who has always been constantly wading through unhappiness, and the adult me who seem to be drowning in negativity almost verging on depression, which is threatening to swallow me whole?

i think when i was young, i still could push the 'bad' thoughts to the back of my head and focus on the scant positives i had in my life. since there were so few, that wasn't so hard. but as i grow older, it is getting increasingly difficult. i thought becoming an adult and getting my own place would make me happy. i thought choosing the right career in which i feel valued and in turn, rewarded, would make me happy. i thought ending up with a person who loves me more than anything mortal would make me happy.

what i didn't count on was that the darkness had hardened over the years into an unimaginably formidable vortex of unhappiness that is gnawing away at my sanity each day.

on the surface, perhaps i look like i possess so much, that my life should be happier than it is. but the biggest problem is that my black moods come from within; how do you purge what sustains you?

every farewell...

is followed by a hello, just like how every new sentence inevitably follows a full stop.

All I can say is.. nothing.

There's nothing more to be said, nothing more to be done.

I hope you find the peace you are so desperately seeking.

on the cusp of...

i can feel it; it's in the air, plenty of hints are being dropped. i know this is what i eventually want to do, but now that it seems to be a matter of when and not if, i find myself hesitating.

i keep telling myself that i want to settle down in my career before taking other things into consideration, but if i can't even commit to what i want to eat for dinner at lunchtime, how much of a chance do i have at a lasting career? or a lasting-anything else?

everything is in place, now all i need to do is decide and act. all i want to do is take 9032850438502 years off and find myself. how cliched.

maybe i'm just a coward.

identity crisis

as i grow older, i'm beginning to suspect that i am not whom i think i am. i am a fraud.

even as we struggle to maintain the multifaceted nature of our social and personal selves, i question myself where Ms Par*k should end and Han Na, begin. as i immerse myself even more completely in work (yeah i didn't think it was possible, either. boy was i wrong), i find myself asking where i am headed with all this. the narrower the gap between personal and organisational values, the less personal conflict one would feel. but at what cost do i align myself with what is expected, as opposed to what i think i am?

but then again, i've always been like copper; malleable, and apparently, ductile. fill me up with ideologies, convince me with seemingly-logical proposals, frame me within a comprehensible stereotype. if this is what it takes, then this is what it takes. is it worth it?

i'll only know when it's too late.

If i...

If I were a month, I’d be December
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Wednesday
If I were a time of day, I’d be 2 p.m.
If I were a season, I’d be winter
If I were a planet, I’d be Sirius
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a fish nom nom
If I were a direction, I’d be grateful

If I were a liquid, I’d be alcohol
If I were a gemstone, I’d be a ruby
If I were a tree, I’d be a pine tree
If I were a flower, I’d be a white, white rose
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be rain
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a flute
If I were a color, I’d be black
If I were a place, I’d be hard to find
If I were an emotion, I’d be ambiguous
If I were a fruit, I’d be persimmon
If I were an element, I’d be fire

for a healthier me~!

went to l^iang court the other day for dinner + mindless shopping (is there any other kind??).

while we were walking around, we came across an interesting pushcart selling what looks like a poor man's version of braces; apparently it helps to exercise the facial muscles, which in turn results in a barrage of benefits that stop just short of immortality. some supposed benefits include- smaller face (orly??), better posture (no idea how THAT happens), increased concentration (something about increased oxygen intake blah blah), a stop to teeth grinding (major concern), and even better sleeping habits! i'd upload a pic, but it's too dark for me to take a picture in my room cuz i switched off the room light to avoid my annoyingly rude and intrusive neighbour who has been knocking on my door at 12++++ to ask me for my landlord's number.

how pathetic is this, you tell me; i pay so much a month to hide from stupidly loud neighbours who disturb me in the wee hours (ok fine 12 is hardly late but STILL! considering that i do not know these people??) of the morning???

there might be many disadvantages to moving home, but at least irritating neighbours will be the least of my concerns.

this is why i think i might not be able to live in public housing. too bad if that sounds horribly awful.

엄마.

항상 씩씩하게 살아왔다. 아무리 외로워도, 아무리 힘들어도, 난 너무나 많이 견뎌내고 살아왔다. 엄마없이 자랐고, 사랑도없이 자랐다. 한번도 가족에게서 다정한 말 한마디 못듣고 나이만먹은 나. 이렇게 자라면서 한번도 난 엄마를 그리워한적이 없다. 엄마의 따듯한 사랑과 손결은 기억도 나지 않으니까.

그런데 난 왜 가슴이 이렇게 아프고 씁쓸한거지.

나도 엄마가 있었으면 좋겠다.