Place to put all your warnings or just general announcements

I am thankful and greatful to this people in my life, who actually care about my life and want to know so much more. I love you guys so much. Looking at this gives me so much strength.

16 Feb
Xu Yun Sakura 10.00PM
Kuroii 10.02PM
Rell 10.12PM
17thFeb
Katie and Daniel 10.30AM
Trouble 9.23PM
22nd Feb
Painted 9.30PM
27th Feb 11.39 PM
Yuuka
03rd Mar 4.25PM
Pearly

And clearly, this are the only people ALIVE who reads my damn blog. If for some reason you haven't been here in a long time, it's ok. I mean. I am not part of your life I guess. ^^ Don't worry about it.

Changing my blog, for those who want it, ASK FOR IT. No, not in my tagboard, in my MSN or SMS me for it. But please, don't spread the message. Just keep it to yourself.I wanna see how many people really do view my blog.

Statistics will be put up after a month.

Woots~~

AND OH YEA, TAG AT MY NEW BLOG ONCE YOU GOT IT XD

Wonder if anyone cares if I update this palace. I am going to make a new blog, but I don't think anyone cares right? ^^

I want to start everything anew. I started this blog for around a year now, and reading back my past post, I realized so much has changed.

I changed my blog name two times, from mielcruciale to hani-no-sekai to the haninosekai blogspot name that I hold now. Reasons for changing? The first time, I wanted something new to go with what i had, and the second time because of a stupid girl who went crying to her mum about what I wrote.

So so much has changed and happened. My mum has my blog URL now, which is a big part of hindering how and what I can and am able to write, Old friends go and new friends come, fights, unhappiness, regret, and whatnot, but happiness do come along sometimes.

I feel so fake. People tell me that they are so jealous that I can "Just Be Yourself", my main motto in life and what I want to live by. Notice, WANT to live by, not AM living by. I feel like I cannot be myself somehow. There may be times that I am living as me, but there are also times where I cannot be myself. I hate myself for it. I promised myself that I would be a brand new me, but I just go back to the old nasty me.

I don't want to feel this way. I really don't. I had so much hopes for the future, for whatever great destiny that was coming for me, for the bright bright future. But it never happened.

People often used to ask me, "Why do you like acting/ reading novels so much?"

It is that hard to see the answer?

If I am reading/portraying as a good character who is happy and has a wonderful life, I would think 'Ah, so this is how it is. How happy is this character. I am happy too, cuz I got to live in your life for at least a while.'

If I am reading/portraying as a bad character who is unhappy and had a life full of hardship, then I would have thought 'Thank god for whatever I have now. I am so happy that I has a much better life than the character. There ARE people out there who is living like this, therefore I am thanking for not being them and I am contented with whatever I have.'

See? Those are my rational thoughts.

I guess what makes me hate myself all the more is what I am doing now. I hated myself for not being able to do what I want. I really don't want to be here. I hate it here. But what am I still doing here?

Look at Daryl Aniki, he knew what he wanted. He got everything in order and went after it.

Look at Theo Aneki, she is such a good student, and she is chasing her dream now.

But look at me. Where am I? Neither here nor there seriously. I am just wandering along the banks of 'River to Nowhere'.

no-where? now-here?

What is the difference? What difference does it make? It definitely does not affect me. So why do I even care?

I am tired, so very tired.

I have no idea what to update. Seriously.

There has been too much going on for me to write down, and sometimes, it's harder to write them down. So I wont.

You guys just have to see when I update again.

你以为你很了不起吗? 你也不过如此. 平什么这样批评我? 亏你还说我很了解你, 那为何坐我后面, 又那么大声的说:"我不要! 你要你叫那个女人去做. 又不关我的是. 我受不了那个女人了!" 你是把我当聋子还是傻子, 听不到你说的话?! 如果我很了解你, 我就知道你在说什么啊! 你没想过着一点吗? 我对你好失望. 没想到你会这样子对我.

SEVENTEEN:
You look at his/her pictures constantly

SIXTEEN:
When you're on the phone with him/her late at night and he/she has hung up, you still miss him/her even though it was only 2 minutes ago

FIFTEEN:
You read his/her text messages over and over again

FOURTEEN:
You walk really slow when you're with him/her

THIRTEEN:
You feel shy whenever he/she's around.

ELEVEN:
When you think about him/her, your heart beats faster and slower at the same time

TEN:
You smile when you hear his/her voice

NINE:
When you look at him/her, you can't see the other people around you. All you see is him/her

EIGHT:
You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of him/her

SEVEN:
He/she is all you think about

SIX:
You get high from his/her scent

FIVE:
You realize you're always smiling to yourself when you think of him/her

FOUR:
You'd do anything for him/her.. or anything to see him/her

THREE:
While reading this, there was only one person on your mind the whole time

TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didn't notice number twelve was missing

ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.

`Honestly, does your parents approve of you dating?
.. Honestly, nope. But it does not seem to matter to me so far


`Honestly, what color is the shirt you're wearing now?
.. Honestly, brown, but it's more of camel brown than brown brown


`Honestly, whats on your mind?
.. Honestly, thinking to the different ways to kill someone really really REALLY slowly. But then again, I know already know alot of them.


`Honestly, when did you last cry?
.. Honestly, I can't remember.


`Honestly, have you watched Shot of Love with Tila Tequilla?
.. Honestly, no, but I would love to find it and watch it. Tila is hot~


`Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
.. Honestly, yes~~ GERMY~~ LOL


`Honestly, do you like someone?
.. Honestly, YESH~~


` Honestly, are you normally a happy person?
.. Honestly, Yea~ XDD Ask anyone of my friends and they will tell you the same


` Honestly, what makes you mad?
.. Honestly, I am not sure, it all depends on my current mood.


` Honestly, are there any people who don't like you?
.. Honestly, yea, and I can even name them to you if you like.


` Honestly, do you miss anyone?
.. Honestly, yes TT^TT I want to hug him this moment.


`Honestly, what's something you wish you could understand better?
.. Honestly, EVERYTHING.


`Honestly, have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an M?
.. Honestly, YESH~~ MIMI~~


` Honestly, have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
.. Honestly, no. And it sucks like hell.


` Honestly, do you think that you're a good person?
.. Honestly, I can be both, it depends on which one you want me to be.


` Honestly, do you believe in love at first sight?
.. Honestly, yes.


`Honestly, do you hate the last person you were talking to?
.. Honestly. No. I am talking to Mimi on the phone right now, so does it count?


` Honestly, who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
.. Honestly, Mimi, but he is till on, so if that counts, it's still Mimi, since I called him back when I got home. XD


`Honestly, do you know what you want in life?
.. Honestly, yes and no.


`Honestly do you smoke weed regularly?
.. Honestly, I have never touched weed before.


` The last text you received on your cell was from?
.. Honestly, it was from my fourth aunt asking if I had taken my medication.


`Do you like your cell phone?
.. Honestly, HELL YEA.


`Do you believe in true love?
.. Honestly, yes. But it seems to evade me. Hmm.


`Are you playing hard to get right now?
.. Honestly, yes and no.


`Do you miss your past?
.. Honestly, some moments are worth missing, others are worth trashing.


`Are you proud of the person you've become?
.. Honestly, HELL YES.


` What are you doing besides this survey?
.. Honestly, looking at the Hey Gorgeous website to see who else I can support.


`Who was the last person you had a serious talk with?
.. Honestly, Mimi.


`In the past week have you felt sad?
.. Honestly, yes. When the doctor told me I had to go on a IV Drip. I was sad that my aunt had to wait outside for me.


`How do you feel when someone kisses you on the forehead?
.. Honestly, sweet~


`When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
.. Honestly, when the doctor told me I had to go on a IV Drip. I HAVE TO HAVE THAT DAMN NEEDLE IN ME FOR OVER AN HOUR?!


`Are you afraid of death/dying?
.. Honestly, yes.


`How many people do you know with your name?
.. Honestly. NONE. Unless you want to start calling yourself Honey.


`Would you rather watch football or baseball?
.. Honestly, WRESTLING. I can join in the fun at the same time, it ends faster than both football and baseball.


`Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
.. Honestly, both.


`How's your heart lately?
.. Honestly, not to good.


`Did someone make you mad today?
.. Honestly, I don't think so.


` What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
.. Honestly, talking to Mimi on the phone and wondering if I should go cook my cup noodles.

BAH. Sick today. Feel terrible. Aches and chills throughout my whole body. Running nose never stops. Coughing continues. Fever seems to be escalating. Can't taste anything. Can't smell anything. Can't see properly at all. Does this mean that I am going to die? I hope so. I hope not. I don't even know what I want anymore. I want to die to end all the suffering. Not only physically, but mentally too. It hurts just to go on. Its like nothing is worth living for, and why am I still here. I suck at handling my homework. I suck at handling my relationships. I suck at life basically.

It seems that nothing is going right these days. Everything is just falling apart like half a year ago. Am I going to slip back into that period? *shudders* I am scared. Really frightened. Only a few people knows what happened then. Daryl Nii Chan, CeeCee, Alee, Matt Bro. *laughs* Not even Jasper, Hayate or YeeWai knew. Those three that I hold closer to my heart above all others. I do have to salute Daryl Nii and Matt Bro. They figured it out even before I did myself. It seems as though they really look out for me in their own way. CeeCee and Alee did suspect. Which is why they forced me to go look for Alee's Mum.

It did help me a lot. It really did. I really bucked up and stopped all those negativity. But then when things come back to this again, I really wish I could slip back into those times. The times of acting, and putting on a mask in front of others. Truth be told, people seldom see my true self. Not only because I am trying to hide myself. But I know. That if they see who I am for what I am, they would hate me. So because of that, I have learned to put on a mask to show others. Few people have seen the true me. And even fewer have had the chance to get to know the true me. There were random outburst and breakdowns and stuff where I really let it go, but those were seldom too. The last few would be with Katie and then even before that, with Rabit at the Cosfest Chalet, and at the same time with Kuroii at the chalet.

It would be so easy, to slip into the dark waters once more, and allow not myself but some one else for a change to face the outside world. Because of my childhood, of the way I was brought up, and the things that has happened to me, I have learned to build up my own surrounding walls, where I can retreat. I know, everyone has one of them. But what is special about mine? I have friends. You saw it correctly. I have friends. IMAGINARY FRIENDS IN MY IMAGINARY WORLD. I never realized that they were my other personalities. Not until Alee's Mum had told me. At first, I have screamed and ranted like a crazy woman, saying that she was lying. But she wasn't. Before I knew it, I had depression.

It was scary and frightening for me. People often say that I am as crazy as a circus clown at times and in others, as stable as a rock. I always though that I knew myself best. I know that I am not crazy. But I was wrong. I am the one that is crazy, that is nuts and that is going insane. Apparently my subconscious has know for a long time, but I always denied it. *laugh* Typical human behavior. Wanting to control everything and thinking that you are neither insane nor wrong.

My imaginary world was so full of life. Free of disasters, free of fights and strife. It was like Utopia. Maybe that is what made me retreat there so often. Free of all the worries of the world, being able to do anything and everything we want, I have created the perfect world in my own little head. Trying to escape the everyday monotonous and repetitive life that I lead, it was my heaven.

I always thought that god was fair and just, and that he always gives your trails and trabulations that he knows you can handle. But is my depression a sign that I can't handle it? Or is it a sign that I am trying to escape from reality? What does it really tell me? That I am not fit for his kingdom anymore?

So many things have happened in my life that I really question WHY. But the bible teaches us not to question the ways of God. So who are we supposed to depend on? Ourselves? Or Others? Or the Church? But I supposed that God really has his own plans for me. When I am depressed and down, he gave me the thing that I would need the most. FRIENDS. REAL LIFE LIVING BREATHING FRIENDS.

Be it the fact that I have been backstabbed, lied to, made use of, trampled on, etc, I still continue to believe in my friends. Family is no question. When something, happens they will be there for you. Even if I fight all the time with them, I know deep in my heart, they still love and care. Take yesterday for example. I was sick. But I didn't tell anyone. My sister came into my room, took one look at me, and yelled for my mum. I was grateful. I am a bitch to her all the time, I admit, but she would still help me in times like this. For that I am happy. My mum came in, and then started to fuss over me. Usually if I tell her I am sick, she would just ask me to take medicine. But I guess with the starting of school and stuff, she is worried. And my sis just got over a bad bout of gastric last week.

Back to friends. I really have to give thanks for this. Whenever I am at my worst, I have them to lean on. This is probably one of the few reasons why I still continue to live.

SJCC
You guys are the people that I see everyday. Even when there is CCA, or when there isn't. The clubroom is practically our second home. We spend all of our times there slacking. Whenever I need some company, I know that you guys will be in the clubroom and you guys would be with me. I am really happy that I had joined this CCA, where I have met all of you guys, even when there are some people that I don't like, but still, you guys are the best.

Yee Wai
God, how could I, someone who have so much sin, been given such a good and pure friend? I am thankful for this friend, as I know that he is there for me every week *laughs* Knowing each other for such a long time has only made us even closer. Instead of getting together as a couple (Which is harder than getting to the Sun and back in one piece) we became each other's best support. Well, at least I know he is. I know that I am not much of a support ><

Mimi
Twinnie <3 Thanks for being my first real life friend on SG Cafe. It meant alot to me. Through our shitstorms and whatnot, we have come to understand each other even better. Thanks for sticking with me through all the troubles.

Cosplay Kurabu
Although things are not working out as seemed right now, I still hope that we can stick together and be united as one. There might be troubles, but like someone told me before "We rather have quality over quantity." I had so much fun cosplaying with you guys around. It's so much fun to see all of us and to get to know you guys even deeper and outside of cosplay. I hope that this times would never end.
Special thanks to Kuroii, for being such a understanding and patient person to me. I really appericiate the times when you sat and listen to me rant. I know I am a childish person and can be a really bad bitch but thanks for the times you tolorated me and talked to me. They mean alot to me. You are like the big sister that I always wanted but never had.
And also to Gumok, you are like the big brother I guess *laughs* I really respect you alot, even if it's not that obvious ><

There is still so much people that I really want to thank, but I think I have to save it for another time. The medicine I took is kicking in and I need sleep asap. And let me use a phrase that I hadn't for a long time.

So For Now, Jya~

周杰倫 - 退后



天空灰得像哭过
离开你以后
云没有更自由
想象的空气
绣出我们的距离

一幕锥心的结局
像呼吸般无法提醒
抽屉泛黄的日记
找到了回忆
那笑容是夏季

你我的过去
被诠释真的忘记
缺氧过后的爱情
粗心的眼泪是多余

我知道你我都没有错
只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给了承诺
却被时间扑了空

我知道我们都没有错
只是放手会比较好过
最美的爱情回忆里带去

Fark and this post is not nice either. You made me dedicate this post to you. Stop blaming others for your faults

Kuroii is NOT going to be happy to see this nor is Ryan or the rest of them

Seriously, you wanna talk about lying? You wanna talk about being betrayed? Hell. YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL. Ask yourself what is it that you had done. And ask yourself what you had said. Seriously. DO NOT PUT THE BLAME ON ME WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE WHAT YOU HAD DONE WRONG YOURSELF.

You don't wanna see your mistakes and you don't want to admit them. Even when I told you about them, you ignored them and turned a blind eye. God, you really think that you are all almighty and that you are always right? Think again you dumbass, everyone could see you for what you really are.

You think that you might have been so 'manipulative' and so 'zai' to hide your true self from others. You think that you really did hide your true self from all of us? We had seen your intentions since the VERY START.

Let's not talk about the others for now. Let's just talk about the two of us. You said that I had lied to you? Who was it that lied? You think that I had betrayed you? Who was it that really feels betrayed? You think I wasn't there for you? WHO WASN'T THERE FOR WHO?!

You think that you are the most unlucky soul in this whole damn world, the one that is emo and emotionless and alone? I tried Jason, I really tried. I tried to pull you into conversations, I tried to include you in the stuff that I do. I even ask you out when I could have gone on countless dates with Meki! I said that I was just scared and needed someone to accompany me. BUT COME ON. It wasn't the first time I saw Meki, it was just an excuse to include you in!

I treated you as a real friend. But ask yourself have you really treated me as one? HAVE YOU?! We promised to be there for each other. Ask yourself. What had happened when Meki and I broke up? I CALLED YOU FIRST. All you could say to me was "I know ar. Eh, I am busy now, talk to you next time." and you hung up. IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER?!

Whenever you go out with the club, whenever you are out with us, with me even. you had to go all emo and silent, wanting to be a loner. HAVE IT EVER CROSSED YOUR PUNY MIND, THAT IT AFFECTS OTHERS?! I had long learned the way of letting you be when you turn like that, since nothing I do matters. But not everyone learns my way. So people get affected by you. A nice beautiful outing, that has lots of fun and laughter and everyone is happy, you go all emo, and act loner and spoil everyone's mood. Why do you think I don't call you out anymore?

And when you have outings with the DGM group (no offense to you guys), I told you time and again, ask me along, I wanna meet them and I miss them alot. But you always give me excuses like their meetings were sudden or that you didn't know. What did you take me for? A three year old kid? Heck, even a three year old kid could see that fact that you were lying. You just do not want me to go out with them for some reason that has bypassed my understanding. So please do not come and tell me that I am wrong and that you really don't know. SAVE IT.

Another thing is that the only time you come look for me on MSN or in real life, would be to complain, complain and complain. And it would always be about the same issue. About whatever wrong you think she has done to you. She is my friend like you are. Why are you complaining to me? What are you trying to achieve? Are you trying to break out friendship?! Has it ever occurred to you that I never really reply you when you come and complaining to me? Want to know why? Fine, I will say it in your face now. SHE DOES NOT LIKE YOU, GET IT INTO YOUR DUMBASS HEAD. Give up already! She has made it clear to you. So stop whining like a little boy who has lost this candy.

There is still so much that you have said and so much that you have done that I want to rant about. But I am going to be kind and stop here so as to save your last silver of dignity. This is the end of things. Do not force me to rant anymore. As long as you do not harm me, I do not harm you. Understand at least this much.

Profle about yourself

Wishes upon stars

Blogskins
Links
Links

C Box or any other tagging device

Archives

Future plans, or stuff like schedules, planners, important events

CREDITS:
Blogskin editted by Honey.
The foreground picture, Arcane Runes, belongs to Honey.
The pictures were made with brushes from Obisidian Dawn.