Mom's Song

Mom on her last day

Mom's all time favourite song was Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx. Her favourite actor was Johnny Depp and she fell in love with watching him when she watched his movie Don Juan De Marco.

I don't know why, but today as I was listening to all of my favourite songs, I kept thinking of Mom and how I will never listen to certain songs ever again without thinking of her and how I will never get to share with her my favourite songs ever again.

When Mom was ill in the hospital and it was just the two of us, sometimes she would ask me to sing to her and sometimes I would just simply sing to her to entertain her and to pass our time together and take us for a brief moment away from the pain, away from the gloom of the hospital room and into the song that I sang off-key.

Mom loved to sing, but we would never let her because she is tone deaf and have a really horrible singing tune. But now, just with the rest of things that I miss about her, I wish I could hear her sing off key just once more if it meant I could have her in my life still.

Not a single day that goes by that some little things in life don't remind me of her. There is always something in the day to day activities that I go through that will remind me of her.

Sometimes when I'm sitting at the table, peeling potatoes or dicing onions I would remember all the time I spent cooking with mom. And sometimes I would go to the shop and see the strawberry milk drink that I would often buy for Mom whenever I go to the shops, and I would think of how now I will never get to buy Mom that drink anymore.

There's always something in the daily grind that would remind me of mom. On some days I just brush the memories aside and get on with life as usual, but there are bad days when I just break down and fail to stop the tears from falling.

Today is one of those bad days. Been crying on and off since yesterday's early evening and now it's one hour into the new day and I'm still fighting back tears.

I keep telling myself what I always hear people say. That it gets easier with time. That time will heal all wounds. And right back at that I tell myself on bad days, that maybe losing mom won't ever get easier no matter how much time has passed, that maybe this is one wound that time can't heal.

I don't know. It hasn't been a year yet. Maybe it is too recent for time to take its healing effects.

But if I keep having this bad days, then for sure that truism is a falsehood.

We will see won't we; given enough time?

Conversation With Mom 4

Hello Mommy,

In four days I will see you again at your grave. It will be the first raya we celebrate at your final resting place. I'm incredibly sad today. I don't know why. I'm just sitting here in front of the computer and thinking of you and tears are streaming down my cheeks.

I have bad days like today when I miss you so bad that it feels like my whole world is crumbling down all around me yet again. I don't know why mom. I thought it's supposed to get easier with time.

This November 4th will be the first anniversary of your passing and I still can't wrap my head around the idea that you are no longer with us.

I miss you so bad. It hurts so bad.

My heart is all raw and bleeding from missing you so much. It aches Mom. It aches for the soft smile you use to have on your face. It aches for the gentle way you have when you speak. It aches for the love that I used to feel emanating from you. It aches for YOU.

Mom, you weren't here when Abang turned 16. That was a heartache for everyone of us, but especially for boy. He hurts so much that you won't get to see him grow up that he says he doesn't want to celebrate his birthdays anymore.

And Along just wrote a post yesterday saying how she is even less looking forward to her birthday this year than she usually is. Last year on her birthday you fell, and this year will only serve as a reminder of her last birthday with you.

Mom, my mind keep asking the question IF. I can't let go of the many what ifs in my head. What if you hadn't fall. What if I hadn't ask you to tend to the pot in the kitchen? What if we had gotten you to the hospital sooner when you did fall... What if we had taken better care of you?

I know asking these questions only adds to the pain... as if we could have done something to avert fate.

But Mom, I can't help it. I keep playing in my hand the different scenarios that could have happened and the outcome of it. Maybe if you hadn't fall, you'd still be here. Still be here to watch Abang grow. Still be here when Along gets married. Still be here to see me keep a job and be successful at it. Still be here to keep dad company. Still be here so we can still shower you with our love.

Mom, I know Allah has decided that it was time for you to come home and for you to finally be at rest. Rest from a life you have grown weary off. Allah is the All-Knowing. Allah knows it was time for you to go.

But not to talk back to the divine or anything, but I wish sometimes Allah is less-knowing so I might still have you with me.

I know it is selfish of me. I know you are in a better place. You so suffered in your last two months on earth and all the years you have been living half a life, a shadow of your former self... but mom, I would give anything if I could see you lying on the bed in the room peacefully sleeping and see your sleepy eyes when I wake you to oversee me prepare a meal.

Mom, how I miss our time together. You were my best friend. I could share with you anything, no matter how silly and ridiculous... and I miss that Mom.

I miss having someone I can talk with. I love our conversations together. Now I only have this one sided conversation with you and never again will I hear you telling me that life will turn out all right because what else would it be if not all right?

Mom, I miss you. R.I.P Mom. See you on Hari Raya (Eid).

Conversation With Mom 3

Mommy,

I'm feeling incredibly sad at the moment. I don't know why. I was looking at my previous posts on this blog and as I stare at the background picture of when you were at the hospital, my heart just fell apart yet again.

Tears are streaming down my cheek as I realize yet again that you are no longer here and it's breaking my heart into a million pieces.

It's bad tonight. I'm missing you so much. I don't know why.

Life would go on as usual and you's be there at the back of my mind, but nowadays mostly I can function without you anymore. But there are times like tonight when the remembrance gets to acute and I just fall to pieces.

Just when I think I've got the hang of not having you around this would happen and I would be right back at square one, crying at your wake right after we buried you.

I still remember the day we put you in the ground as clear as if it just happened yesterday. Along and Abang arrived at the mosque in your hometown Chenor with the hearse first.

When they arrived there there weren't really anyone yet. It was just before dawn and the morning prayers were just about to begin.

Dad, Aunty Jen and I arrived 45 minutes later and soon the relatives came and things started happening.

I remember telling Along that it was right that she was your child that last saw you alive, because she was the first born. She greeted you first and she should be the one to see you last.

Along told me I was being nonsensical and not to get myself upset over nothing (I was crying as I told her this).

Mom, losing you is the single most hardest thing I have ever had to face all of my life so far.

I am still adjusting to not having you around.

I don't know when I'll ever think of you and not feel the loss and the urge to weep.

Mom, tomorrow I am going to sit for my L test for the second time. You know what happened with my first license. How I 'lost' it and now have to sit for the test all over again.

I wish you were still here so I can share with you the joy when I pass my theory test tomorrow.

All the little, little things in my life that I would have normally shared with you first... I won't be able to share it with you anymore.

Like when my story was printed at the back of a receipt and I won a RM20 voucher. Or when just a few days ago I won a USD$30 prize for second place in a flash fiction contest.

I miss seeing the pride in your eyes whenever I accomplish something.

I remember on my graduation day, the shine in your eyes when you saw your daughter whom you thought would never graduate graduated. I remember how happy I was that I could share that moment with you.

And when I told you I couldn't do my masters you were the only one who told me it was ok if I quit. I know you didn't want me to be a quitter, but I know too that you didn't want me to be miserable more than you didn't want me to give up on things so easily.

That were you in a nutshell Mom. You always wanted our happiness above all else. It didn't matter what other people saw in us, you didn't care what society thinks as long as your family is happy with the way things were you were happy too.

Mom, I miss having you around.

You were my constant companion. You were my best friend. You gave me solace, understanding, trust and you were always proud of me no matter what scrapes I get myself into.

And when I transgressed in my late teens, you took my transgression as your failure not mine. You didn't blame me for what I did wrong, you didn't judge. I still remember what you told me when I came to you and told you what I had done, "It's not your fault Adik. Don't blame yourself. It's my fault for not being there for you."

Although I knew then as I know now, that it certainly was my fault and not yours at all, I appreciated you taking the fault as your own and absolving me of my guilt.

So many instances when you had been there for me throughout your lifetime with me, that I can't help but miss the assurance that you would always have my back.

I miss your presence Mom.

I miss your gentle smile, your quiet voice, your loving self.

I miss YOU.

R.I.P Mom.

Cooking With Mom

In my earlier post, I said that Mom's talent was her cooking ability. This is without a doubt the truth as I know it.

The thing is when Mom was a young woman, she loved baking. She would bake all sorts of desserts, from cookies to cakes to tiny muffins and delicious meringues. She learned all sorts of baking delights. From western desserts to more traditional Malay kuih (desserts).

As Mom went from being a carefree young woman to a wife and mother, she still cooks her desserts but she added to her repertoire daily dishes which one needs to eat on a day to day basis.

Even at preparing daily meals Mom excelled.

What I want to talk about today is Mom's recipe for kuih semperit. A favorite cookie of ours, semperit were usually made only for the Eid celebration. This once a year treat is especially dear to my sister.

It would be the only cookie from Mom's full repertoire that Along learned from Mom.

Today as Along was making the cookie, I can't help but feel hollow inside, remembering all those baking hours with mom that we will never get to experience again.

My fondest memory of Mom's baking triumph happened the year I was six. I so wanted Mom to bake a cake and decorate it with icing and pretty little flowers. What Mom didn't say was, "Listen kid, I don't know how to ice a cake so it's a no." What mom did instead was figured out the best way she knew how and created me an iced cake.

Till today I think that cake mom made me when I was 6 was the most gorgeous creation I've ever seen. Of course to my consternation, a friend I brought home to share in this wondrous creation had the cheek to tell me the cake was ugly.

I don't even remember that friend anymore, but I still remember how angry I was when she said Mom's cake was anything but wonderful.

As the years passed Mom never attempted to ice a cake again and I never asked her to do it after that one time. I don't really know why. Maybe I was afraid another friend would denounce another cake and hurt my pride in Mom's cooking abilities again.

From being Mom's kitchen helper since I was old enough to really be of help in the kitchen, I've learned a lot from Mom about culinary things. But alas, I discovered after Mom passed away, that there are still many recipes and tricks of the trade that I didn't get to learn from Mom.

I guess now I have to continue this journey into the culinary world on my own.

Conversation With Mom 2

Mommy sayang,

Along was unwell yesterday . She was in so much pain and she was crying for you. She said when you were alive you were the only one who would wake up in the middle of the night to massage her wind-stricken body. She said you were the only one who would take care of her when she's not feeling well.

She reminisce that even when you yourself weren't feeling well you still got up at night to take care of her. Such was your love.

I remember mom, how you were always there to take care of each one of us when we were sick. How you would make black tea for me when I had diarrhea. Or cook porridge for along when she kept on vomiting. Or rub oil on dad in the middle of the night when no one else would wake up.

How you would massage Abang's legs when they were sore, or prepare him a special diet when he just got circumcised.

Mom, you were our Florence Nightingale, you were our Angel here on earth.

Now you are gone and the emptiness we feel is amplified when certain things happens in our lives that remind us of what we have lost.

I wanted to cry along with Along when she was heartbroken that you are no longer here for succor. I too have missed your loving touch, your caring spirit your kind attention.

Mom, you have gone too soon. This life feels incomplete without you in it.

How many ways can I say that I still wish you were still here.

Mom, I want so much to say R.I.P. and not only mean it, but actually allow you to R.I.P. but I don't think your spirit is settled with us here still missing and needing you so bad.

I'm sorry if I'm making your spirit restless over yonder. I really don't mean to give you a troubled after life, but I can't help missing you and thinking of you. I've been dreaming about you so many times since you had passed away and it all points out that you are a restless spirit and I can't help but feel that it's my fault that your spirit isn't calm and in peace.

I keep wanting you back mom. I know it's wrong, I know it's impossible, but life is just not the same without you.

Mom, I'll say it again, R.I.P. I hope I'll learn to leave you in peace soon.

Never Forgotten

I am afraid that I'm forgetting Mom. As days, weeks and months go by I'm fearing that bit by bit the memories I have of Mom will fade away.

Like today, for the life of me, I cannot remember mom's drink preference if we go out to a mamak stall (coffee shop). I know it's a trivial thing to want to remember, but it's the little little things that made up who mom was.

What if after years go by I'd start to forget the essential things and factoids about Mom and what made her who she was.

I'm not alone in this. My little brother, Abang, he worries that sometimes he doesn't think about mom anymore.

What if one day I wake up and it was as if mom never was.

This is my fear now. Something I am acutely terrified off.

I don't ever want to forget Mom. It's bad enough that she is no longer around, but it'll be worse if those who loved her lose all sense of who she had been.

This is another reason why I'm keeping this blog. To write things, memories about mom, so in case I EVER heaven forbids, forgets what made Mom who she was, I'd have these postings as reminders.

Just to write certain things about mom, she loved watermelon juice, cakes on her birthdays were always something she looked forward to and she would always be so touched if we bring her back some things from whatever outings we went to that she didn't go along with.

She loved red roses and for her hantaran (dowry) on her wedding day she asked from my dad 77 red roses.

She was gentle and kind and seldom lost her temper, which did not mean that she didn't have one. It just take a lot to get her really angry. My elder sister would testify that she at her stubborn best would sometimes meet the angry Tiger (mom was born in the year of the Tiger) mom could be.

But loving. That's the most salient thing about mom. Above all she was such a loving individual. Her heart had a tremendous capacity for love.

Oh, and mom never holds grudges. That just wasn't the kind of person she was.

Oh, mom, how I miss you.

R.I.P. Mom

Conversation with Mom

Mommy,

I miss you. Wish you were still here so I can share with you my worries and my thoughts. You were my constant companion and now that you are gone there is no one I can really talk to.

There is something weighing on my mind. It's about Along. She's been depressed because she is missing Phil so bad. You met Phil mom. Just that one time. The first time he came you didn't see him. The second time was when Along introduced you to him. By the third time he came, he visited you at your grave.

The thing is Mom, Along and he are planning to get married. Just that it's taking longer than along expected. The miles apart and missing him is killing her. Simple Plan's latest song 'Jet Lag' describes how she feels perfectly. I shared the song with sis and she cried.

She's been crying a lot lately.

It's troubling mom. And I know she's missing you along with missing Phil.

She regrets that she couldn't fulfill your desperate wish for her to get married when you were alive.

Mom, so many things I wish I could still share with you, so many things about you that I still sorely miss.

I know when you were alive I dreaded it every time you wanted me to pull your grey hair, and more often than not, I would refuse your request, but now I would give anything to just hear you say, "Adik, cabut uban mommy, (Adik, pull my grey hairs)".

And I miss preparing meals with you. Cooking now is a solitary task that I have undertaken fully. There's no more you to keep me company and supervise me cooking. No more you to refer to when I have doubt about what goes in what.

Mom, I miss you. So very much.

Next week the fasting month begins. The first one I'm facing without you. Sahur (early morning meal before fasting begin, taken at pre-dawn) won't be the same without you to make sure everyone gets up and have their meal. This year it will be my duty to ensure that there's food on the table for sahur every day.

And than after the fasting month, will be Eid. And we will only be able to say a prayer at your grave. There will no longer be a chance for us to kneel at your feet and ask you for forgiveness. This year that ceremony will only be with one part of a full set of parents. I guess I'll have to do my apologies at your grave.

Oh mom, how life's change since you've been gone.

You were a crucial part of our lives and now you are just gone and we are left with an emptiness that can't be filled.

R.I.P Mom