Conversation With mom 40

Hello Mommy.

Missing you badly at the moment. This Tuesday it would be four years exactly since you went away. Still seems as if it was just yesterday that I last said goodbye to you.

These were taken two days before you passed away. The image is still fresh in my mind; of you lying there unconscious and us praying, despite knowing your days were numbered, that you would pull through somehow.

It still as hard as the day you went away - dealing with you being gone. 

I was rereading my diary yesterday and it was a post for this year's hari raya (Eid) and I was writing how I'd forgotten to put in some ingredient and how I was thinking about you. I am always thinking about you.

Mommy I love you so much. There's not a day that passes by that I don't think of you. 

I still think of how you love having your grey hair pulled. How you always had time to sit by and keep Abang company while he plays his games. How you would never fail to wake up in the middle of the night whenever Dad wants a bite to eat. How you never complained whenever Along needs to be massaged... And how you never tire of my incessant tirade. 

I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

I love you Mommy and I pray that your soul is at peace and that you know how much you are still loved.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 39

Hello Mommy,

It's been a while, I know. Not that I haven't been thinking of you, it's just that I couldn't find the words to say. It's pretty much the same everytime I come in here. I tell you how much I miss you, how it still hurts not to have you around...

Sentiments are still the same because I still haven't learnt to let go off you. No matter how many times I rationalized that your death was the best outcome for you for had you lived you would have suffered, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I just don't get to have you around anymore.

Mommy, I miss you so much sometimes that its all I can do to fight down the need to bawl.

I think of you and my chest feels heavy with unshed tears. The sorrow runs deep.

As I sit here and think of you and write this post after so long having kept silent, I can't help but lose just a little bit of myself thinking of how life would be if you still walk it with us.

I miss you so much Mom. Everyday.

This coming November 4th would mark the 4th year that you've been gone, but I still feel as if it was just yesterday that I received that call from along close to midnight saying you just passed.

I still feel the surreality of it.

Tears are falling as I write this and just like that thinking of you overwhelms me again.

There's a void inside me where you used to fill it with a comfort that I just can't find anywhere from anyone. There's been moments since you've been gone that I really needed you to be around for. There's just no getting around the fact that no one could give me the solace that only you could provide.

Mommy I love you and miss you always.

Happy 64th Birthday Mommy!

Mommy love,

Had you lived beyond your 60 years, you would be celebrating your 64th year today. Happy birthday mommy.

Here are some roses for you Mommy. I know you love red roses. 

I miss you Mommy. Days like today are harder on me because it's one of your special day. I miss seeing your smile whenever we bring out your birthday cake.

We all know how much you look forward to your birthday cake yearly.

All I can do now is send you a prayer and remember you on your day.

Al-Fatihah Mom. Here's to another year without you.

Conversation With Mom 38

Been a while Mom. You know better than most, what with you being where you are now, what's been going in my life of late. I ask for guidance from you and Allah on a nightly basis and sometimes in between too and I know I'm having a hard time finding my way back... but I feel as if I'm getting back to where I was before the relapse happened.

Dreamed of you last night. Like you were still part of our daily life and you were giving me instructions on kitchen duty as I helped you with lunch as I had done so many times when you were still alive.

I miss you Mom. Everyday. And I really wished I still had you while I was going through the nightmare of the relapse.

I don't think anyone in the family could have understood what I was going through as much as you would have.

I miss you Mom. All the time. 

You were always my confidante. My best friend. My solace who gave me succor and comfort. 

It's hard day to day going on with you no longer here. I guess I sound like a broken record. But I still miss you so much. I guess time refuses to let me heal. It's been 3 years and 4 months and a number of days and it still feel as if it was just yesterday that I last saw your face.

Mommy.... I love you. And I need your comforting and calming presence to reassure me that whatever may come for me in this life, nothing will be as bad as I imagined it to be.

Tears for the one who left us behind,
For a peaceful eternal rest,
As I sit here and remember her at her best,
I wonder if she sees me missing her terribly;
Loss is profound and I think of her fondly,
You were all that was sweet and true my beloved Mommy.

Conversation With Mom 37

Hello Mommy,

Been a while since I last had a chat with you. My life's been hell lately. Got sick again and am now slowly recovering.

Been 8 years till I relapsed again July last year. Took me forever to somehow get back to a semblance of normalcy.

Even today I still think I'm still somewhat off-kilter.

Been saying a lot of prayers and I know most of my well-being has got to be from the prayers you said from over yonder.

I miss you Mom. At times like this I can only remember the times when you were around to guide me.

I know when you were alive you too were prone to be sick, but it's nothing like your presence to remind me that no matter how bad the illness snatches my mom you were proof that there is life outside the boundaries of our diseased minds.

You suffered through schizophrenia since you were 19 year old and you lived your entire life since then battling the illness and you lived a good life. You left behind people who misses you everyday and who speaks nothing but beautiful memories of you.

I wish my life could be as well lived as your had been but as such, I've still as yet to find my path and purpose in life.

It's a daily struggle to tell myself that there must be a reason why god gave me this life to begin with. 

Empty promisses and forgotten dreams are all that I have in my life right now and I'm struggling to rebuild a shattered existence which I find detestable to begin with... I just don't know where this road I'm on is heading for mom.

Life is a journey that I just don't have a map for. I used to be able to chart the course of my life, but the ability has failed me now and I'm moving on blind as a bad with even less navigational propensity.

Mom, please guide me from where you are. Whisper a hello to God and ask Him to steer my life on the right path, because right now I just don't see a way forward.

I love you Mom and I miss you.