Remembering

I was sitting by Mom's bedside in the hospital ward while she had been warded for about two weeks, in between being in the ICU, HDW and a normal ward, when Mom whispered to me, "Nyawa Mommy tak panjang dah Adik" (My life is not going to last for very long now dear).

It shattered me thinking that Mom could foretell her demise. Of course back then we didn't know her time was coming to a close so soon, but it weighed heavily in the thinking that Mom knew something I didn’t.

I remember how I broke down crying and calling my sister at home and telling her about what Mom said and asking her, “What if Mom knows sis?” Referring to the fact that Mom might me cognizant of her end.

After hanging up the phone with Along’s pragmatic words that all we can do is fight along with Mom and pray that she gets better, I wrote this following poem for Mom:

Mummy don’t go,

Please stay.

I can’t imagine a world without you in it,

You make the world lighter with your presence,

You lit it up with your smile and laughter,

And I can’t bear to see it all disappear,

You are my shining star,

You brighten even the darkest nights in my life.

Mummy please don’t go,

Not just yet,

Give it time,

I know you are tired,

I know you are in pain,

And it’s selfish of me to want you to cling to a life that is riled with illness,

But I need you still,

I can’t let go,

So don’t you let go either.

As I write this poem, I was crying and it was neither the first nor the last time that I’d be shedding copious tears.

Thinking about that single memory now, I can tell for certain that, that was the defining moment when I begin to let go of Mom, way even before the Doctor asked my sister Along to sign the death in line form (a form which states that the doctor has informed the next of kin of the imminent death of the patient).

And I realise now too, thinking back on the memory of that night, that Mom was saying her goodbye to me. Mom was telling me that it was her time and that it would all be all right.

That single memory, that precious moment in time, is a private moment between Mom and I, that I would never forget – Mom telling me goodbye and me accepting the fact that Mom is soon to return to the arms of the Almighty Allah. 

Conversation With Mom 25

Hello Mom,

It's 11.48 pm November 4th 2012. This exact moment two years ago, you breathed your last breath and you left us shattered and broken.

Two years later, time might have moved on, but for us, it is still as if it was just yesterday that we saw you last.

Today we visited your grave sans Abang who stayed behind in Jerantut... but he sends his love. We planted another tree at your grave to replace the last one we planted which has since perished.

I hope the new tree will grow well and will keep your resting place cool and comfortable.

I miss you and I love you.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 24

Hello Mommy,

When you were at the hospital

This Sunday would be exactly two years since you've been gone. Two years since I last saw your face.

Mom, you know how much I love entering contests right? Well these past two years I've been going strength for strength with entering as many contest as I can.

Today, I saw on Maybank2u.com that they are having a contest, so I figured I might as well kill two birds with one stone : I could talk to you and blog about how great it is to have access to Maybank2u.com.

You might not be aware of this Mom since you were too ill to realize the practicality of things but during your stay at the hospital we needed a lot of money daily.

We needed money for your adult diapers, we needed money for your special TED stockings which would allow your blood in your legs to circulate and of course we needed money for the daily expenses of coming and going to and fro the hospital; not to mention meal money for me being that I stayed by your side practically the entire 46 days you were hospitalised.

Suffice is to say money was a big worry for us then.

But Dad has many kind friends who would from time to time bank in some money to help with the expenses.

If it wasn't for the ability to check money online at Maybank2u.com we would have wasted a lot of time going physically to the ATM just to check if the money have been banked in or not.

Thanks to Maybank2u.com we did not have to waste time and effort to know our financial strength. With just a click, we easily discover how strong our bank balance is.

We still use Maybank2u.com mainly for checking our bank balance, but there's many wonders that we can do now.

The various things you can do at Maybank2u.com

Previously the Astro account was under your name, but since you've been gone the account has been changed to my name. Since I have access to Maybank2u.com, I'm thinking how easy it is to pay our Astro bill online.

And Mom, do you remember how you used to have to line up at the post office to make a deposit of your ASB account? Well, if you were alive now, you no longer need to suffer the queues at the post office. Just link your ASB account to your Maybank2u.com account and you can purchase new ASB stocks online.

That's what I've been doing lately.

Speaking of contest and Maybank2u.com I've entered another contest of theirs on Facebook where I made an advertisement on how great it is to have access to Maybank2u.com.

I told them about the time you were hospitalised and how important it was to be able to check money on the go.

Well Mom, it's been wonderful sharing this conversation with you and I'll try and come back on your anniversary and maybe have another conversation with you.

Wish me luck with the contest Mom.