12:22 PM;
I made my mark

3:22 PM;
I made my mark

I had enough. I'd swallowed so much of my pride and 'd been forgiving but never forgetting. If i had changed so much to move at your momentum, why can't you do the same? Why does it seems so hard to breathe each time i'm with you? I had to fake my trueself. I smile so as to not rot the mood. If doing something with me seems to just be a game, and not a challenge, I'm no different from a kid. If a game to you is not about winning, I'm being a fool to look upon it as one. If your mindset is always fixed, we can never click. Cuz i haf to change mine to understand urs ALWAYS! "Sorry" has always been the hardest word to say. Even after you say it, u haf ur say. So wad's the point? What's the big deal about giving in once in a while? Winning is not everything. Yes. I hope you don't win yourself a position in ur so-called new 'high-classed' restaurant. Its no wonder till now u haven't win my heart. If you don't look upon obstacles as a challenge, but just a game, you'll never make it to the top. And, you noe wad... since eveything is a game, this relationship's gameover.

1:11 PM;
I made my mark

11:59 PM;
I made my mark

1:32 AM;
I made my mark

A good day to sleep in today.. the soft whisper of the splattering rain on my window.. the gentle breeze that caress my skin could just send me floating off to bed now.. BUT! nooo... meeting dad later for dinner.. and need to shop for long-sleeved shirts for my work starting tmr! Got up real late today.. about half an hour ago? hah.. had really hectic days for the past week.. finally i got to rest.. anyway.. i'm still waiting for my sis to come home for the past a month plus! come back soon ya? the house seems like a stranger's house.. i dunno hu i living with.. come back and make me realise.. for days i only keep myself in this room wen not werking.. only go out to toilet wen nature calls. At least i got someone to quarrel with.. Someone hu can be my guinea pig wen i cook.. anyway... ur room's a mess.. waiting for u to come and clean it up.. hahaha! no matter how i clean it.. i'll still make a mess somehow.. the longer u take to return... i make sure cobwebs form at the corner of ur ceilings.......

4:03 PM;
I made my mark

look at my tagboard.. impressive eh? within less than half a day.. its flooded.. oh.. that's my uncle.. expressing himself.. a democratic country.. open comments.. seriously.. i got no more comments.. still stunned by the fact that 'jos' is my uncle. mayb its gonna take me awhile to digest it.. and then, digest his comments.. He's gonna summon me... he's gonna find out more about me from my teachers.. yea.. it haven't struck me wat will happen next.. as in my life.. but i can vaguely see wad is coming.. mayb a slap from mum.. thrown out of the house.. hmm.. i dunno.. we dun realli noe hu we are till ppl show us a mirror. mayb he tried to show me sth thru the starting comments back in dec or jan.. but all i can say is his method was wrong. but again.. hu am i to tell him wads right and wrong... (anyway.. i got a dressing-down from him thru the phone..) if he had mentioned earlier hu he was.. i would haf take into consideration his comments.. cuz aft all.. he knew me tt long.. A real relatives hu cares.. wouldnt resort to such methods.. then again.. hu am i to tell him wad to do... then again.. it diverts back to parents.. like i said.. i love both my parents. All my previous entries that had u assumed things.. how old were they? 3 years back? thru time things change.. ppl change.. i love and respect my mum.. i noe tt.. and she noes it too.. and thru time.. it unveal ppl too... time.. is sth we cannot outrun nor turn back.. time shows wad the future holds for u.. time can also be nasty wen u say sth and can nvr take it back.. its just a matter of time.. till sth happens to me.. its just a matter of time till sth happen to everyone. changes are bound to be there at every sec.. mayb in 10 mins... ur hair grow by a certain millimeters.. maybe in 1 min.. u feel like ur bowels are coming out.. mayb in 30 sec.. u realise its a fact.. it a lie.. its a story.. its a dream.. we may not noe wad retribution God has for all of us hu sins. But sinners should had it coming. I'm just one of them.

2:22 PM;
I made my mark

i hate this... i hate bullshit talks... i had received the final warning from singtel.. now a lawyer letter.. 3 months ago till now u said u will pay ur bill... until now??? if u cant pay... its ok.... just SAY it.. dun keep dragging the payment... its under my name for goodness sake! if cant pay... i'll pay it!! dammit! y do problems always come in a flush?! f**k it!!

3:24 AM;
I made my mark

my mind's in a whirl.. it really IS him.. i already guessed it at first.. but i dare not assume too much without evidence. 'Jos' is really that person whom i already tot at first.. To think it is actualli true.. i was praying hard it wasn't him.. i'm totally disappointed.. to think i actually look upon u as my favourite. i was wrong. totally wrong. ur no different from the typical aunties and uncles. meddlesome. my advice to u is... take care of ur kids FIRST.. no word can express my feelings rite now.. sad.. extremely sad but filled with hatred... i feel so stupid! i hate for the fact that we have blood relation. i hate for the fact that i once look upon u as someone i can turn to. i hate myself for being so stupid. u can say all those hurtful comments knowing that i'm ur niece. really... my words were real. Now i read back all ur comments... u really shud save it for someone nearest to u... all the best, jos...

2:59 AM;
I made my mark

12:16 AM;
I made my mark

2:10 AM;
I made my mark

been busy lately.. with work.. down with various illness.. till now have yet to recover.. oH ya.. I got the job in c. club!! i applied as Management trainee.. but he offered me Assistant manager instead.. oo...kk... will be startin werk on 2ndmarch.. and my last day in G.cafe will be on 28th feb..

recently, i've been helping out my old boss in p.spot.. and i've been werking crazy shift.. like morning at g.cafe, night at p.spot till morning and morning at g.cafe... i hadnt slpt yet... one thing... if i wasnt a management in g.cafe.. i wouldnt haf stop working p.spot... the stress is too big.. i still have skool to handle... so my boss D, ask for my schedule today... i said i cant help this week cuz i'm working 6 days at g.cafe.. Den his msg came about, "U gotta werk at least 2 days per wk, u r still an employee under me, i know u have other jobs but not like this. can u pls reschedule?" In the first place... his method of approaching me to ask me to work for him was when i was playing pool... and he said.." can u help me out on chinese new year? no one werking..." my intention was HELP.. and slowly.. he took reliance on me.. since i was werking lss days in g cafe.. i carry on giving.. till now.. wen i was needed much in cafe... he sent me such msg.. does he have any proof to begin with that i was his employee? and his other so-called 'employees' doesn't need to abide to his rule of contributing 2 days... wad do i care? i said.. "i quit then"... besides.. i dun really like that job.. boring and hateful when comes his mood swing... he just bring u down.. and for the fact that u din spoil his mood... its others hu did it but the one nearest to him will feel it.. All of us know wad he's like... attitude problem fella.. oh ya... his reply to me was "Ok fine, if u all wanna behave like little girls. Stress dun come to u, u go to them. dun come anymore." Wah... i GLADLY wun step in there man.... first of all... little girls dun stress.. and if u think that my body can take ur kind of shift after shift... u are crazy... g.cafe is not like ur job... g cafe is freaking tiring and some more ur not just a staff there... ur a management... alot of responsibility.. so sorry if ur thinking is so shallow... its no wonder no one wants to work for u... change ur behaviour bah...

5:36 PM;
I made my mark

A low-life jos trying his very best to keep up being the 'wise' one handing out threats and redundant advices which i think he could keep it for himself.. Judging others with his eyes but zero thinking.. a brain which seems like a pea to me.. his comments r just like spices to my curry.. i dun bother to know hu u r.. but it bothers me whether ur 9 or 40 years old. =)
Yes cousin, all talk... no substance.. haha.. i like that.. Anyway.. i'll leave it to God. He knows best. And i do believe in karma. To God i pray, this fellow to see the lights to his life and pave his way to a better route. Obstacles r just test in one's life. Its natural and not meant to be created by no one but God Himself. Judging and hurtful comments, its best if u keep it to urself, jos. Well, but if ur having a hard day, and u wish to let go ur anger, go ahead... my tagboard is opened. Seems like thats ur only way of making urself feel better. =) cheers dude.

2:10 AM;
I made my mark

A super long and tiring day.. was at G.cafe from the time i switched on the lights till i switched em off..aft tt, played pool with steph and her fren(whom the name i forgot).. Great game.. but just tired to go on.. Later in the afternoon, will b working at P.spot till midnight. And the following day same thing.. and the following following day the same thing.. For me, life revolves around work.. having 2 jobs kinda help to keep myself well-occupied.. But i go crazy again the moment i reach home.. Insanity is sth which is embedded in me like a plague that can never be remove till sth is sacrificed. Fido's @ KL... mummy's going malacca later.. go..go..go... argh.. i miss fido.. that stoopid moron is really an idiot... urgh..

my heart aches each nite thinking bout my past.. sth which i cherished soo much previously that i keep salvaging the relationship till i'm so tired of doing so.. if i could rewind back the time, i shouldn't haf even join g.cafe. That way, i wouldnt get to know him and be miserably head over heel about him. also, i wouldnt be so damaged where health is concerned. But, at least i learn to be an extrovert and made some frenz.. Someone hu falls in love easily always ends up in a pile of shit. duh~.. Happy.. i just wanna b happie.. i can mask my heartaches and sadness beneath the smile.. but back at home.. same recurring memories and flashbacks occur to often to bear. i wanna forget everything and be someone new.. i wanna move to a place where no one knows me.. AFRESH. i dun like deceiving myself any further. And to yan, face the truth.. we're over. no use keeping the truth from ur parents and siblings. If u can tell ur colleagues, y not ur family? i dowan u to hang on to any hope there is between us. in fact.. there aint any hope. i've surrendered. and i noe ur totally hopeless at salvaging things. not even a persuade. ur ego rule ur head. if i were someone u really loved, u would haf lowered ur ego towards me from the start. but u din... i had to keep up with u.. and i no longer can muster that strength to carry on the same journey as u... like how u wish me all the best, i would wish u all the best in life too..

3:01 AM;
I made my mark

Tuesday.. by right.. busy.. by left.. boring~! But at least my cousin, hanis came down together with fiqah and my happie pill.. made my day a little tho.. Earlier, i was fuming mad that u could see dark clouds hovering above my head.. My little trainee.. made me mad.. aft that i sat down and talked to her.. worst.. she cried.. haiyo... i din even scold her.. i just talked to her.. and everyone said i like making ppl cry.. haha.. unintentional! no doubt tt 90% of the trainees under me cried. the challenge given to me when assigned to train new crew isnt to train the person well.. but to NOT make them cry.. guessed i fail again.. haiyo.... sry if my face scares u.. but work is work.. aft tt u wanna hehe haha with me oso i dun care..
Tmr, a day i look forward to.. gonna be hell of good time!! haha!! OFF day! can go meet dad.. its been quite sometime since i saw him.. that was like... before nora fly off to dunno where.. kinda miss him.. love u daddy..
Dear poly frenz who reads my blog, i miss u guys alot.. do text me for a meet up yea?? all the best for ur final sem.. exBDS ppl... its been months!! c'mon c'mon... organize sth.. i cant organize this time round cuz i'm busy working my ass off.. heh!Happie pill, thx alot for being a monster.. haha.. miss u..

12:11 AM;
I made my mark

its amazing how these kinda ppl come about in ppl's life.. thinking they know wad others been thru.. but.. i wouldn't take it as a bad thing.. i dun own their mouth nor thoughts.. so, as a courtesy, i'll just thank them for their comments. It's my pleasure to hear your thoughts..=)
Anyway.. life have been monotonous lately.. but i chose it to be that way. so, walk thru it.. Sorry to mother, i can't fulfil ur wish of me getting engaged that soon.. cuz we separated already. And its a final decision already. I dun wish to elaborate as to why the firm stand to end the relationship.. but all i noe, its over. Healing an open wound would definitely take a long period of time.. but i think i'm able to do it on my own.
Work.. work's cool.. but tiring as usual.. I wish to be transferred out of hougang. Or perhaps, another job? which is so impossible at this period.
Replt to 'jos':
1. I'm not encouraging my cousin to do it or is on her side. Things HAD already happen. Why bother to pull her down further? Do u even noe how she felt? Do u even talk to her? Condemning ppl isn't gonna help them continue to breathe easily. She already received her punishment. Taking up responsibilty as a mother. So condemning her would make her feel better? haha.. take the chance to think before u talk too..=) or perhaps, put urself in her shoes.. Oh! i forgot.. If u noe how to put urself in others' shoe, u wouldnt be saying such things.. sorry.. try learning ya? its gooood...
2. "Blaming parents and elderly"? haha.. If i ever did, I'm so sorry, mum. I love my parents even though i came from a broken family. We don't show our love. Are u part of my family? You noe wat we wen thru? you noe our lifestyle? NEVER bring in my family matters if u dun even live under the same roof as me.
3. "Grow up from my dream lifestyle".. I bet u do have ur own dream lifestyle and the immaturity thought in u even if ur 40 years old. There's always a part of human that never grow up. Even if i'm immature with the way i blog, it's just in me. I like it. I blog to express.. Not to impress. Besides, I'm still young. I have choices. Choices of how to live my life.
4. "Mind your own business".. it refers to ppl like ur kind. Poke their nose into ppl's life witout knowing the content, much less the prologue. And perhaps, ppl like you depends on ppl for help. U will never be able to make it for the future if u keep leaning, baby... If i am in trouble.. it IS really none of ur business.. Cuz i prefer to get out of shits myself. Not implicating others. =)
5. "And the next time before any word come out from ones mouth, Think and checkup before saying sometime which you wish it never happens or said out." - this is MY blog. No intention to let others read. Just to vomit thoughts and feelings that are bottling up. Rather than have them explode inside me. Like i said earlier.. no one owns one anothers' mouth nor thoughts.. Freedom of speech is most welcome here. =)If ur hurt by my words.. take it in ur stride, hunny.. For me, it'll only make me stronger.

2:27 AM;
I made my mark

first of all.. my life's in a mess. talking about relationship, work, studies.. it's all a mess.. my exams are like a month+ away and i've yet to put my brain to work. in fact, the cells are depleting... Working my ass off everyday and trying to keep myself happy before i break down, is a lot tougher than i initially tot..
Anyway, I was supposed to visit Fayzan yesterday but i was totally wiped out. Kinda miss him..
After i read Hanis's entries, i'm kinda pissed off with hu ever that's trying to mess with her life.. really a shame to mankind. i bet she's not well-educated.. Bringing down other's life isn't something worth to spend time on.. Nor a habit that many would practise. Bet she got such talents that she didn't realize the shame is drawn to her..
GTg now.. before i change my mind and rest at home instead of going over to hanis's.

12:14 PM;
I made my mark

I'm slowly learning to let go. It's not an easy ordeal i must say. No matter how long we may had been together, its not as simple as it may seemed. 1 year, 2 years, 5 years... so what if we've been together for so long? do we really understand each other? or are we out to hurt each other's feelings? i admit that most of the time i tried cuz i wan him to feel wad it feels like being hurt. My mum wans us to go thru engagement by march 09. BANG! it shoot my right thru my head. either do or die. I thought thru for quite some time before i decided that the best way for me, my mum and him..... is that we go our separate ways. For days i didn't want to talk to my mum. Pushing me to get tied with someone whom i KNOW cannot support me in the future, really turns me off. I needed time to see thru him. i need to see if he could prove me wrong. if he could see if he could support me in the future. I know that so far.. he couldn't. His dreams are too big. I'll only be an obstacle in his way to achieve them. And furthermore... i'm way too young. how will my friends look at me? they noe i always had bad times with him and most of them disagree me getting back together with him. i wouldn't wanna go running to them again crying... cuz its too huge a decision for me right now.. anyway.... i've decided... its over.... usually.. after work or during my off days... i'll look forward to meeting him... right now... i'm learning of ways to get myself home immediately after work.... i'd asked my mum to cook sth which will tempt me to go home straight to eat.. hehe.. it worked!! well... i must learn to not lean on someone all the time... cuz once the wall is not there... u'll fall terribly.. i leaned on him too much that i fall umpteen times... its time i stand on my own feet.. besides.... i got no intention of getting in a relationship for the moment... probably till i get my career carved out... have a stable income... find a nice guy... with stable income... hu treats me properly.. till then... i'll be busy attaining wad i must.. and one last thing... Marriage/Engagement shall not come till i'm above 23... And sufian... i'm really sorry.... its not all About u... consider my feelings too next time... (oh well....there wun be a next time i guess....)

1:12 AM;
I made my mark

11:29 PM;
I made my mark

Learning how to accept him into my life again. i couldn't find myself loving him like before.

11:26 PM;
I made my mark

aite... tmr... i mean today... is my last day in g.cafe... hell of a time.. just tt 6 more hours there and its over.. a non-profit driven outlet ought to just be burnt down.. waste of time.. no critics to be said here regarding any of the people working there... altho there's someone which i realli hate cuz she's a backstabber.. oh well.. politics are bound to be everywhere in every werkplace... so ya... damn u.... may u get fired soon... haha.. to hell to everything...... urgh.... ok..... now i'm stuck.... i dunno wad to do now..... oh ya.!! that bloody ass.. suppose to come down and fetch me from werk..... to think he's actualli at home slping.... wad an asshole... tmr i shan't meet u too... "cuz i tired luh b.......~~" thats wad u shall expect from me tmr.. haha... like i said... i'm no longer miss nice...... then the following day i would say..."oops..... i'm busy.... busy resting.... " and the following day...." oops... i made plans....." and more oops.... hahaha.... u want 2 meet... come find me..... i lazy go find u....... u and ur stupid laptop..... go out wit me... u bring ur laptop..... and do ur werk.... wah..... i DETEST that man...... u can do as much werk as u wan..... i dowan to be present.. or.... perhaps..... go home and slp..... u need rest...... i dun nid someone to go out with me and think tt i'm refraining u from slp.... go slp... go do werk..... too free? den come find me k? and do NOT call me in the wee hours like 3am.... i need to slp... and dun say u would call back wen u wun.... cuz it doesnt werk for me now.... last time... i was foolish enuf to wait for ur call tilll 5 plus den i slp and to find out u din call the next morning... now... u said u will call later.... i just put down the fone and just go to slp... its a routine alrdy.... i'm getting used to ur empty words... hahaha... and i'm not upset at all.... to me all dis just seems like a joke.... hahaha.. seriously... anyway..... we're just perfect strangers in love..... mayb not realli in love for my case...

12:48 AM;
I made my mark

Its been days since i last msged him.. Yesterday i received the longwinded sms from him.. Seems as tho he loves to sit like a duck and wait for things to happen... to me... it seems to be his character.. cuz it happens all the time.. he would just do nth to salvage things.. And u noe wat... i'm no longer the little miss nice. life goes on for me... i got plenty of things to do out there... worrying bout this aint carry me further... and dun u dare complain u're worn out... ur just worn out cuz of the quarrels... while i'm worn out cuz i'm tired of loving u... ur expectations are beyond my reach... each day seems like a 10km run. tryin to please u even wen u hurt me indirectly... i swallow them all.... till now... i find it too hard to even put em in my mouth. i gif up... it was a mistake tat i told u that u are my greatest joy. you WERE... cuz u took it for granted... u knew that i loved u alot... so u think u can mess with my feelings just like tt... THINK before u talk... i'm a girl.... i'm not the guy... i'm sorry.... but i realli think that there's oni 0.1% chance that we would be together... u r realli one super asshole which i wish to beat up. i loved u alot yet i dun get the return... perhaps its retribution... previously... my ex loved me alot but i din... now... karma... I"M FUCKING TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!

2:21 PM;
I made my mark

its time that i should stop putting others ahead of me.. cuz i think for others but at lost for myself most of the time. most of the time i simply don't noe wad i want and wad i wanna achieve and wad i wanna do. each night i wish someone or sth would enlighten me.. wad am i to do with my life. i'm living for others and not for myself.

from young i haven't really got to feel love. my mum.. i'm sure she loves me but she doesnt show. i dun get things which a kid would yearn for. so, in turn, i learn to love. i love the people around me. i put them ahead of me. yet, i still don't feel love. so, i'm practically living to love not to be loved. and to be frank, i'm tired of doing so. Perhaps like wad people say, too much milk will spoil the broth. and people gets up on ur head.

i tot i found someone hu can make me feel special. And perhaps, i was wrong. Perhaps, he felt the joy to be loved and wans more out of it. And he felt i waited for him... and i love him alot. So, he wouldn't think i would leave. one year... one bloody year with him... i dun feel like his girlfriend. perhaps a moment or two... other than that, its just like a friend with benefits. I tried my very best to avoid all quarrels. i tamed my temper. i swallow hiccups. but i tolerated enough. I'm very tired of being the guy in a relationship. Where are the surprises, the concern, the honey words? If he were to be in a relationship with any of my frens, i bet they wouldn't last even a month. Each time i see my fren's or my cousin's partner, i feel envious.

I'm tired seriously.. this relationship has worn me off. Name me sth which u haf done for me that made me feel touched or loved. i dun need my fingers to count. just the thumbs are enough. I may b a little harsh on my words now. but thats how i feel. i couldnt convey my tots in other ways except blogging. Without u, i struggle to live. with u, a long-term tormenting life. its time i think for my own. i dun need a remote to lead my life. i dun need to love ppl hu doesn't noe how to reciprocate the same way. i do question myself, y did i waited for u? wad do i see in u? why did i haf to ask u out on ur birthday? why did i hug u on ur birthday? why did i detour to the hospital to be there for u even wen we alrdy broke up? why did i get back to u even after u hurt me umpteen times? why did i bring u home? why did i always change my off day and haf everything rescheduled to get the same off days as u? why did i think so much of us till i haf sleepless nite? why why why why why why why why why why why????? why do i haf to love u so much yet to find out i'm not really being loved. u can tell me that i dunno how much u love me. but that's how u portray it to be. maybe, u shud learn to love. i've learn enough even though i've never been in a long term relationship. its not about hu has been thru a longer period in a relationship. 5 yrs, 10 yrs... but if u dunno how to love, i pity the other party. its hard for a gurl to be a guy in a realtionship. yes... u can do it for months.. but it gets tedious as days go by. and the love wears off faster.

2:28 AM;
I made my mark

3:08 AM;
I made my mark

Chapters in life speaks a never-ending story. What's love? A word to ponder upon with a no-wrong answer. Yet a complication derives through the many answers from the experiences of others. Why is that for some, it's easy for them to deviate their attention to another person but to others it takes a great willpower? Why is that for some, even silence with the love's presence, they are able to enjoy but for others its a torture? Love gives the greatest joy yet the deepest pain. Love is filled with laughters yet end with tears. That's love.

Sincerity, Loyality and trust. That's my baby's key to love. Mine is Honesty, trust and acceptance. It seems that trust holds the greatest weigh in a relationship. He once breached my trust. And it took me alot of strength to find them back. Eventually, i succeed. Umpteen quarrels we had. Yet, now, i've learn to accept things. Being with him had allowed me to venture new things and learn more about being in a relationship. He,indirectly, had taught me alot of things that i never once knew. He himself had put through a whole load of torture being with me, tolerating me and being forgiving. My greatest joy ever was to have him by my side. The person i wished to spend the rest of my life with has already been found. A gift from God that i got to meet him. A fate that prevails that will continue its journey.

To my beloved:

Having u by my side is indeed the greatest joy. No matter what's the real answer to 'Love', I, myself, had carry the answer. It lies in my heart and only you understand the meaning. A year with you had made me think maturely in a relationship. It's not about being by ur side physically everyday. But the words that u utter thru the phone that made me feel ur presence. The sensational feel that u gave when u said "I Love u". We met with obstacles thru our journey, yet we made it thru. Thanks to ur patience. Even during the darkest period, the light that lit my way thru was u. Bb, I'm really sorry for my attitude, ur greatest tolerance had become a remedy. Thank you for being with me. I love you.

I finally had tendered my resignation. I need to do something about my life. Working there brings me no where given the fact that with that kind of pay, i could barely save a penny. And i bet i could find a better job which could pay me the same or higher without working my life out. i could feel my heart in my throat each day i wake up with that swollen eyes, half-dead body and 0.1% energy level wen i drag myself to the toilet with the towel dangling down my shoulder. It feels as though I'm working 2 jobs and only slp for 3-5 hrs per day. Probably its my health. And work drag me down even further. Each friend of mine whom i met outside coincidently, will Always ask me a very common question.."Your eyes are terrible! Y is ur face so pale?" Simple answer, "Tired". my answer. i rather not go deeper. Cuz i don't see the problem in my colleagues. its just me. my health is dragging me down. i wish it would just go away. anyway, G. Cafe is really tiring. A cafe with no service charge yet we gotta serve, process order and do cashier. Wth. And manpower? So bloody little. Y? Cut cost. ..the hell.... Anyway... stress is bound to be there in every job. And i rather find another job. Haha. FREAKISHLY tired. G.Cafe is really pulling people into their grave faster. I shall save myself first before people come and visit my grave.

Anyway, to all my colleagues, nice working with u guys for the past ... dunno how long... really memorable moments. no worries laa... u noe hanifah... she will surely come down once in a while. =) chaoz

11:16 PM;
I made my mark

12:43 AM;
I made my mark

to a point when u've reach the intensity of ur climax, u feel like u've carried too much burden with u... to a point where u've lost ur hope and strength to continue moving on. to0 tired of everything, and tired of being hurt. why do i haf to be the one carrying and shoudering the pain thru out these journey? i cant depict a happy future with u... i feel no love.. just plain boring life... engagement? hah... wishful thinking on my mum's part. she doesnt noe the pain i'm going thru... the pain of not being loved yet caged.

-hAtred-

2:21 AM;
I made my mark

its funny how these feelings come and go. i'm in the state of hurt. i caused my own wound. i dig our things which were the past and have my eyes burnt. my heart screams yet no one hears. i cry but no one sees. its the past.... the present is wad matters most and future is wad we're carving now. i can forgive but i'll never forget. cuz its a scar that holds 'great' memories dat does nth but self destruct. cb.... go slp laa....

3:36 AM;
I made my mark

Fuck you. Tt's the oni word i wish to say ryt now. u can treat me as ur girl... but i treat u as my fren. i talk to u like how i talk to my frenz. expect nth special treatment from me until u satisfy my criterias to b my bf. ass. the word tt i hail u. irritating. the word tt describes u. totally. the word that shows how much i cant b bothered with u. avoid. the step tt i always fail. cuz u haunt me like a ghost. Argh. irritating ass.

1:48 AM;
I made my mark

aft work.. i stayed on at FEP to do my month end stock count. i was on my way back, and he msged me. it sent down a chill down my spine. His parents met with an accident on d bike. he was scared. i was scared too. i detour my way down to TTSH. i noe how he felt. if it happened to my parents, i would feel very scared too. my intention was to be there for him as a fren. he needs someone to accompany him and assurance that everything was gonna b ok... i'm glad that both his mum and dad didn't suffer heavy injuries. and tts it. as a fren, i'm concern too. for him, and for his parents. but i dowan anythin more than tt. i'm still recuperating from this fall. and i have yet to be straight up on my feet.

you noe, i'm a direction idiot. everyone noes tt. put me in ang mo kio ave 1. and ask me find ang mo kio ave 2, i'll be lost. and fear builds up. i reached TTSH. he said lvl 2. i wen up, it was so quiet and wasnt realli open for public access. so i asked him again. i was getting scared. he said its near 7-11. i wen there and msged him to meet me ther... all he said was, can u find ur own way? aiyo.... i realli felt like crying. not cuz of his harshness... but cuz i was scared!!! i dun like to be on unfamiliar ground alone. and his msg was harsh leh! cb..... okok... fasting month here... i shan't b so vulgar. but my intention was to acc him. so i shant make so much noise.

now, he wants me to accompany him to c the person hu knock down his dad. i dun realli want to. its over. i dun wan him to carry on thinking tt we're together. i dun mind being there for him, but oni as a fren. moreover, i'm still wounded. mayb this is the last i will help. and hope he will realize i'm helping him as a fren. nth more. patting my head, lying down on my shoulder, i feel so awkward just now. i dunno wad to do. tell mi... wad am i supposed to do? haiz............................ i cant carry on like this. i dowan to be deceiving him neither do i wanna get hurt. wad shud i do? i fell so lost. basically, today, my whole self was just lost. i'm totally a lost soul ryt now. houvering around finding a way out. soon, i'll lost my memory. as it is, i'm beginning to forget things easily. but the things tt happened yrs back is still vivid in my head. recent events had been erased gradually. i got an eraser in my head. oh man.

2:45 AM;
I made my mark

yesterday wasn't a good day. In fact, it could've been e worst day of my life this yr. its the end of our relationship. i surrender. i'm freaking tired. i tot i was strong enough to juggle work, bf, family, skool, bike and frenz. in fact, i could've nvr felt more defeated than last nite. i felt i'm losing this battle. i was back on my feet aft umpteen quarrels. i gave in too much. and when i whine to others that i'm the one hu always gave in, they say in a relationship, u cant judge by hu gives in more. because of love, sacrifices cant b measured. but i'm getting sick. as much as i wish for him to be the kind of guy hu dotes on me, loves me, concern bout me in a pleasant way, cares bout my feelings.. i couldnt even felt a teeny weeny bit of it. all we do is just quarrel. HE had to blow up his frustration at me just b cuz my hp died and he couldnt reach me. and it all points back at me sayin y din i inform him my hp was dyin or take initiative to inform him. and cuz of that... he digs out all my faults. thats y i'm getting tired. i'm tired of cryin. i'm tired of catering to him. after so much i'm done for him, he din take tt into consideration. instead, he rmbs all the bad things. y do i always end up like this? i feel so miserable for myself. y do i always end up wit such guys? why do i always end up being the bad guy? y do i have to feel so hurt yet i couldnt cry no more? my heart feels so sore yet i dun have a remedy. i could oni put on smile in front of others yet i'm crying terribly inside. i'm oni a 19-yr-old girl yet i have to be under such pressure. y din i just continue in sp? if i had, i wouldnt haf to go thru this bumpy journey. i wouldnt be mugging every nite tryin to catch up with my skool work. i wouldnt have met him again at gelare. i wouldnt have any relationship. i wouldnt have to worry so much. and my mum wouldnt have a hole in tt a/c. now tt i chose this route.. i bear the consequences. puttin back tt sum in tt a/c, mug at nite, work, and have my heart pierced by him.

never purchase error at the price of guidance lest be tormented at the price of pardon.

i had purchased error at the price of mum's guidance by giving up poly life... now being tormented in this route trying to find my way out. i brought all these upon myself. i noe self-reproaching is useless. but tt's how i feel. i brought it upon myself. all miseries i'm having is own-carved. no one carved it for me but myself. y is my heart being pierced? cuz i chose this route. thus, tts e price to pay. nth in this world is free. in tt sentence, lies a deep meaning. in terms of $, in terms of emotions, in terms of objects, thinking, and everything!

i'll nvr get caught up in a relationship till i'm old enough to manage myself. have my career carved out, get my bike, have myself financially-stabled. And i'll nvr get caught up with a guy hu thinks every relationship werks out the same way as their previous, belittles me, thinks i'm immatured in a relationship, always thinks he's right.

i may have lots to learn in a relationship. but i think i cant learn it from u. its so tough that each time i feel like banging my head on the wall. and nvr say tt to ur love ones. cuz ur showing ur authority just b cuz u've been in a long-term relationship and i'd not. even if i have lots to learn, just shut the fark up. i will pick things up along the way thru my journey. oh ya... one thing about me is tt, wen i noe wad i've to do, nvr tell me wad to do. cuz i NOE wad to do. dun dominate me. u've yet to noe everything about me. the only person hu can do tt are my mum, dad and sisters. perhaps, i'm really not up for a relationship. i prioritize my family first. they mean the whole world to me.

i surrender...... i dowan 2 have anything to do with ur life no more. u've hurt me enough. as much as my feelings for u were strong, they gradually died cuz i'm torn apart by ur words. my heart shattered as ur words screeched. no one was as harsh as u except my mum. but she's my mum. u can nvr be compared to her. half a yr and u deliver such pain. i take my hats off to u.

i nvr felt much worst!!!!!!!!! ='(

1:37 AM;
I made my mark

nothing feels worst than wanting to cry yet no tears to spare. wen u noe that the heart aches and all u wanna do is hide and cry. I'm totally drained out of energy. i could barely scoop ice cream without trembling. i could hardly concentrate on whatever that's happening around me.

he called during my closing. i hesitated to answer. but i wanna hear his voice. he said he was hungry. usually wen he says he's hungry... i will meet him up aft werk to go for supper. so i said.." so u wan me to come down is it....." and all he said was.. " if u wanna come down den come lor... if not i eat myself" y did he give me such a choice?? he noes i'm soft hearted. but it makes me like a fool. its like as if i'm the one hu wans to see him. argh... fark.

one thing i found out about him today... he nvr admit his mistakes readily. wen problems occur... to him, its never his fault.

as much as i wish to salvage this relationship... i see no point... it hurts me further. everyday i cry to slp.. wake up with swollen eyes.. nth seems ryt. i love him yet i dun feel the returned feelings from my guy. i'll let u go... ease ur burden.. it's over... i'm too tired.... i'm really sorry love....i really am...

2:05 AM;
I made my mark

3:23 AM;
I made my mark

tired~ of everything

1:00 AM;
I made my mark

Today was Gelare's waffle day... and tmr is the day boss coming down for store visit. Are we suay or SUAY??! me and el stayed there till 2am. We were basically having wars with the cutleries... hell loads of them to wipe and fold. Clean up here and there. the tot of staying over at the outlet was there till we couldnt take it... and left for home.. tmr both of us are doing opening. that''s wad keep us there.. and the tot of boss coming down.... even firm our stands. but our battery was going flat soon... we could hibernate anytime. But here i am blogging away... trying to keep myself awake and not fall aslp. if i fall aslp... its a gone case. i wun be able to wake up later.

My bb has been quite different lately. he's no longer the guy i knew previously. i noe as couple gets closer, we tend to find out more things and learn to accept. things changed. he no longer give in and cheers me up. he no longer brings a smile to my face each time i was down. he no longer listens to my opinion with understanding. my words were taken lightly as tho it carries no meaning. could it been me? did i cause all of tt to happen since i have attitude problem? its tat y he's being tt way too? at times, i just wanna shun away from him... not calling or msging him.. nor see him... but i cant avoid him for long... he would anyhow think. i just need some time off. i'm alrdy stressed out at work.. and my studies... i dunno how long more i can juggle these things well. eventually... sth gonna drop. i need his concern.. but its not there... i need his ears.. but its not available. i dun need his unnecessary comments that puts me off.. i need sth that consoles me...am i asking for too much? sometimes... i just wanna break off with him and feel wad it is like without him... but i couldnt bring myself to do so. one thing i seek.... dun be angry with me. i may not seem affected.. but deep inside... i'm very afraid of ppl hu gets angry with me. i fear d words tat comes out of the mouth. cuz i bet its heart-piercing. he'd pierced my heart dunno how many times yet not all he noes. its tormenting being in a relationship yet u just wish for someone to be there 4 u and someone to share ur joy with. there's a price to pay for everything. nth in this world is free....

you noe... today.. wen he called (finally.....) at 1am plus... he asked where i was. i said FEP. den told him that i was staying over.... he was obviously against the idea.. and asked me to go back... sounded unhappy... ok..... and then... i was actually expecting a sweet bb to come here and fetch me or sth... neh..... he reached home minutes later as he texted me.... mayb its a wishful thinking on my part thinking that he has nth better to do.... e's not a romantic kinda person.... and to him.... i'm just a kid... i'm just like a little sister to him hu listens to him all the time... haiz... where are we moving to? i dunnoo...... 15th aug is our so called official date where we turned 6th month old together. my feelings aint that strong anymore... i need his help to strengthen back those feelings.

3:13 AM;
I made my mark

baby... i love u.. no matter wad... u haf to face these ordeals.. how tough... if u gonna back out... u are throwing in the towel and saying ur guilty... which is not! y let the moron carry on with her ugly deeds and hence let the rest suffer in the future..? din u once told me that if u were put down... u would fight for ur right and prove them wrong? where the old u? if its for my sake, i'd rather u dun quit... juz because by quittin u can solve the whole thing.... face it... NO. if they are gonna ask u further.... shut em up... i'm ur gf... not theirs.... they wanna noe bout me... come talk to me.. bb... hope ur ok... we'll face it together yea....?

2:20 PM;
I made my mark

ok... its a mess. i call it a mess.. i shall begin this with a title.....
OVERWRITING THE ABOVE

After 2 months rejoining back G.Cafe team, i was transferred to an outlet which i onced was familiar with. i NEVER liked training ppl of higher post. Reluctantly, i did what i had to. It when smoothly... thru the trainings, E learned new things... so did i.. there were bound to b ups and downs between us... sometimes i do hate E.. sometimes i do miss working with E.. cuz we rarely get to work together. E comes i leave or vice versa.

Recently, i heard from someone from another district telling me there's rumours going around that i'm overwriting E. (Oh ya..E is the store-in-charge of the outlet i'm in. i'm assisting her while training her.) Naturally, i'm unhappy.. in fact i'm VERY UNHAPPY with the fact that the words that gets to my ears are from another district's mouth. i have a boyfriend. he is from another district... which is that district which i heard from. when u're in a relationship... and wen ur down.. the other can sense the unhappiness aura surrounding u.. the obvious thing he would do is ask y... i said nth.. i din wanna tell him at all... i din wanna tell anyone... all i had in mind was to tender.. i was sick of all these... this isnt the first.. perhaps, i'm not fated to be in this company.. everywhere i go... there's surely an issue.. all i cared about was running away to stop further entanglement.. back to him... oh ya... and then... he kept pursuing... den wen i finally pour out... without mentioning names... tho he guessed it... i felt better.. but it goes on... his suggestions.. his feelings... i felt horrible actually.. but din mention it.. den i said i'll have it settle by myself cuz i dowan to sour relationships among others... i never look upon anyone as enemy.. or rival.. or someone i hate... till now... even if i noe hu's spreading it... i wouldnt hate the person... after all... we're in the same company.. i juz wanna noe why she did it... what did i do to make her hate me? i habour no intention in overwriting my SIC... frankly speaking... i dun even like managing a store... what more overwriting the SIC... i'm not after any post...


fark it... so bloody long winded... the thing now is tat... i'm very angry with the fact tat its getting out of hand.... everyone can guess hu told me... T ask Z if she was the one... Z confronted me... say i paotoh her... HALO! i din mention names alrite... and i believe F wun jump to conclusion and pint point anyhow... so i called F. F said BF told T. omg. my heart cracked. and before F called me back.. i msg BF. saying "how did this matter get so huge? (i'm just complaining not saying u) y am i alwayss in a mess wif ur district and mine? F go tell T wad happened... and i din say its Z. i wun say names..but she guessed it... cuz.......blax3... y b? y?y?? now Z thinks i pao her... my intention was to clear my name... now it got entangled more..." ya... tat was my msg to him before i talk to F. den F called me... while i was on the phone with F...BF msg came in but i waited till i hung up den read... but previous msg was send before F called... F saif BF told T... omg....... really omg..... i tell u..... wtf....... den wen i read his reply... it was "whatever happen i din noe.. wadever the higher management did i dont noe. i dowan to interfere in any of dis cuz it will mess things up. Z came down to take test and JT talk to her... i dunno wad happened.. if things leak out i dunno where it came from... arghhh" fuck.... he lied to me... i feel like taking a plate and smash it in his face right now... what a BIG FAT LIAR!!! i dislike u man.... i realli do.... u breached my trust FIRST... and u tried to lie!!!!! URGH!!!!!!!!! i'm so disgusted by u.... Z is my fren... if Z were to hate me for this... i'll hate u too.... cuz u gaf me the firestarters... good luck boy... uRgh!!!! damn U!!!! nth hurts more than a prick from a needle held by ur loved ones! u breached my trust. u lied to me. u breached my trust. u lied to me. u breached my trust. u lied to me. u breached my trust. u lied to me. i hate u.

11:51 PM;
I made my mark

blogging is always the last resort for my unhappiness... i dun find sharing sorrows any help.. i'm tired... of everything... of werking... or communicating... of being awake... i just wanna slip into coma for months... let my body rest... y am i slaving for a company and doing the extra werk wen i'm only wad i am? why am i doing someone's else job wen i noe my responsibility is oni this much? i'm not being paid that high to do sucha thing.... the reason could be lying deep in my heart... i noe y i'm doing all these... its just tat wen a problem comes.... i noe wat i shud do to resolve it... so immediate reaction would be wad it is.. but aft some time.... i realise... wadever for?

sometimes i wonder wad am i working for? for myself? or for others?

3:42 AM;
I made my mark