Memo to Employees

love.flower: love the 2 mails that emi sent previously regarding bosses and employees... =P so am posting it here... hahahaha.. so that i can delete the mails from my company inbox... must 'destroy' evidence lei...

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our, BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To all Employees:

Effective January 2006

Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Management

Matchstick

love.flower: Read the matchstick joke by emi... quite cold lor... hahahaha.. anyone wondering how matchstick comes about?? interesting!! =>

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match...

Yeah, we all know the story...

Mr. Homo erectus (can you imagine having that name today?) rubbed those two sticks together and got .... FIRE!

Well, sticks are not the easiest way to start a fire. These guys never let their fires go out, as it was virtually impossible to start them again.

They needed a solution.

What to do? What to do?

They needed matches. Unfortunately, they had to wait 1.5 million years for its invention. I guess they were stuck with those stupid sticks.

It almost all changed in 1669. An alchemist was on the verge (sure!) of changing base metals into gold, but instead got some new stuff that he called phosphorous. He had no use for it. Garbage.

In 1680, an English physicist named Robert Boyle (of Boyle's Law fame) devised a small piece of paper coated with phosphorous. He had a separate splinter of wood with sulfur on it. When he drew the wood through the paper, it burst into flames. FIRE! However, phosphorous was rare in those days, so it soon disappeared before anyone knew of them.

In 1826, a guy named John Walker made a discovery. He was stirring a mixture of chemicals with a stick. When he removed the stick, he noticed that it had a dried blob at the end. To get it off, he scraped it on the floor. Guess what he got - FIRE!

There was no phosphorous in the match, though. It was antimony sulfide, potassium chlorate, gum, and starch. Like all dummies, he didn't bother to patent his invention. He showed it as a novelty to everyone.

Some guy named Samuel Jones saw his demonstration, and realized its market value. He named the matches Lucifers. He sold tons. In fact, smoking increased dramatically as a result of the matches.

Problem - the matches had a very strong odor and ignited with a burst of fireworks. There was a warning on the matches that they were dangerous to your health (yet, the cigarettes were not!).

What to do? What to do?

In 1830, a French chemist named Charles Sauria reformulated the match with white phosphorous to eliminate the odor.

No smell, but...

This lead to a nearly epidemic disease known as "phossy jaw", as the phosphorous was deadly.

Workers in the match factories had poisoned bones. Children sucked on the matches, which caused infant skeletal deformities, and one pack of matches had enough phosphorous on it to kill a person (used in many a suicide and murder).

By 1910, there was a worldwide push to ban the use of matches made from white phosphorous. In the United States, the Diamond Match Company held the patent for the first nonpoisonous match. They used a harmless chemical called sesquisulfide of phophorous. So important was this invention, that United States President William H. Taft publicly asked the patent holders to give up their patent. Diamond Match did the humanitarian thing and surrendered the rights to their patent on January 28, 1911. Soon after, Congress passed a law that placed a prohibitively high tax on matches made with the poisonous white phosphorous and their production soon came to an end.

Let's jump back in time (just a bit) to 1892, where we find a guy named Joshua Pusey who invented something called the matchbook.

Never heard of it.

Have you?

He must have been a genius, as he placed the striking surface on the inside. As a result all 50 matches ignited at the same time. Oops!

His patent was purchased by Diamond Match and they moved the striking surface to the outside, producing the "safety match".

Today, 500 billion matches are used each year, about 200 billion from matchbooks. That's one big FIRE!

above story taken from www.uselessinformation.org

(my fav source of reading when i am bored. hahahaha)

Friday Features

Today is Friday, long-awaited weekend is finally within sight. No particular topic to blabber about so shall incoherently right whatever that pops into my crazy mind...

Lee Jun Ki
He's everywhere. On my desktop, in my handphone, in my mind, (in my heart?). Ha. My colleagues have all seen it and commented/laughed at me. So there. Anyway, such a pretty guy, i don't mind sharing with the others. To see only.

Jokes
A matchstick decided to scratch his head. Then he died.

Scientist have succeeded in coupling the DNA of a fish and an elephant. They decided to name their product 'swimming trunks'.

Damn funny. Thanks to a blog i often read...

Work
Ya, i need to go back to lab 2 days next week. Because there is a lot of samples waiting for me. Never mind. Was telling my colleague i have things to forward to, so i will gambatte and persevere. He was telling me he's feeling really tired already. i understand my department has a lot of non-related stuff to take care of and i am PROUD of all of them.

5 working days to end of march. Deducting 2 half days for lab, 1 half day for total week's slacking, i have officially 3.5 days to end the financial year. ~whoop

General
Going for my dental check-up and routine cleaning. Hell, better hurry up and claim before financial year closes.

i got a huge blue-black from my fall during blading, even with the guards. so thank goodness for it. at least it is not a gash or something.

i major need to go tanning at a swimming pool leh. please please join me soon. i'll hurry up and get the swimming costume. But hor, to think still have very ugly lines. Wanna go to thailand and strip to get even tan but too chicken. or try the fake tan spas but i dun want to be dark! dilemma.

Blading tomorrow i hope. still trying to farking shed off the farking fats. will be exciting i think cos Aihua is wearing TUBE TOP or even STRIP cos she wants an even tan too. ha.

~emi

Emi's Fortnightly Dreamboat

It is of my utmost honour to present to you my Man of the Fortnight (I can't wait until April to present the next Man)....

LEE JUN KI

My current MSN and desktop picture! Fell under his luscious lips's spell in The King's Clown and again in My Girl.

For him, i will attempt to go on diet and bring myself to tip top condition. May we bump into each other in Korea, probably next year.

Another of his news, he was acting in a few MTV for this female singer (can't be bothered with her name). 3 parts to it and the story was quite lovely but confusing and it was mixed up in sequence. Will relate it to you in the correct order but will have to sacrifice on the effects...

In a chemistry laboratory, Jun Ki and gf were doing some experiments. A wrong formulation caused a violent chemical reaction and ruined Jun Ki's eyes (no safety goggles mah). Gf begged doctor to give one of her corneas to Jun Ki. Both recovered.

Another girl likes Jun Ki and tries to befriend him in his sport (involving a wooden sword). She also joined a hot air balloon club to be with him but Jun Ki and gf were there also. Once, the girl went to confront gf and the gf cried. Jun Ki was surprised that he suddenly cried too. And was the opposite of the girl's tearing eye. Because they are sharing her 'eyes'! When they finally got enough money to purchase the hot air balloon, Jun Ki surprised the girl by bringing her up with him. In the end, he left with his gf still. Wow.

Lo and behold...

The faces of the blogmistresses...

L-->R aihua, wen wen, bee kuan, emily

Us again at a rare outing for 4 of us.

and my kick-ass name, courtesy of sentosa's flowers.

Bug you, Bug me

i am too angry and busy to write much now so here is a picture of a bug.

problems=bugs

don't u have the urge to just squash it?

Latest Gadget!

Got myself a new camera (above) at IT Show 2007 at $399... goggle for the model online and got the below information... hmm... which features are the really usefull one that i would use??

Main Features

• Pictmotion blends images, music and visual styles for all-new in-camera entertainment
• interesting feature!! sort of a slide show thingy... would try it out soon... hahahah =P
• Built-in Wi-Fi support (IEEE 802.11b/g) enables wireless transfer, shooting and printing
• errhhh... not much use to me... my pc dont have wireless card =<
• Superior 3x optical Zoom-Nikkor ED lens offering 35-105mm (35mm equiv.) performance
• please... i thought this is a standard lor... camera without lens is called what??
• Large, bright 3.0-inch LCD with impressive 170-degree wide viewing angle
• great to have!! love the big LCD screen.... can view the photos without straining my eyes
• Attractive wave-surface design with compact dimensions
• attractive mah?? looks ok lor...
• New Rotary multi selector allows fast circular scrolling for image browsing at up to 10fps
• good feature!! now i can just rotate the wheel to access the menu and photos... cool! something like a iPod...
• One-touch portrait button offers easy access to Nikon's features for in-camera image improvement
• hmm, dont think i would take much protrait photos... ok to have
• D-Lighting corrects images compromised by insufficient flash or excessive back light
• Face-priority AF can detect a human face to provide sharp focus automatically
• In-Camera Red-Eye Fix detects, then corrects for the red-eye effect sometimes caused by flash
• 15 Scene modes, 4 with Scene assist
• aboves are good to have... but i think most cameras out in the market have such features... so it's considered part of the standards
• Movies with sound at up to a smooth 30fps
• hurray!! no need to get a video cam already... my camera can perform the same task
• Calendar function automatically sorts images according to date
• dont think i will use it... i clear my photos from the memory card pretty often
• Comes complete with the COOL-STATION MV-15, offering in-camera battery charging, USB connectivity and output to TV
• dont really like in-camera battery charging... what if the whole battery explode?? my camera will be ruined...
• Complete with new Nikon PictureProject featuring special Wi-Fi functions
• fancy stuff that i wont use

aniwae, i do like the camera for now... have to see the performance and quality of photo taken though.. so exciting... now i can have a reason to ask my i-dont-want-take-pics frens to stop hiding... hahahaha

Negativity loves company

As the title says, i am very negative right now. i am so negative, my sign is -∞. i am so negative, i am donating elctrons to form bonds. i am so negative, any response from me is depressing, foul, unhelpful, lifeless, etc. i am so negative, even ebola won't give me a positive test result. i am negative.

P/S i found this cool picture. The negative word is made up of the word 'positive'. What an irony.

P/P/S reason for my negativity is work. no big surprise there.

emi's stupidity check

Emi's Mar Dreamboat

Presenting my Dreamboat of the Month: Gary Cao Ge

Rumours has it that he is interested in the lovely female singers he worked with. Broke my heart. But all i know is his songs have struck a chord in my heart and the tunes are funky and jazzy. His 'Superman' album simply rocks. He is Da Man. He is My Man, hopefully. *Laughs maniacally*

Anyway, he is a true blue kampung boy who squats in a corner to watch the filming of mtv, plays with cats (why cats, gary? why? dogs are more loyal), shys away from spotlight... So adorable. Like i said previously, if only he'd sing me to sleep every night. *sighs*

To make up for his non-existence in my life, i'll sing all of his new songs in kbox this weekend and stare at him canoodling with his female lead. *wail*

lady's nite at powerhouse

A Girlie Affair. Every Wednesday at Powerhouse.

It is a night of sheer indulgence and pampering at the Powerhouse every Wednesday. Ladies, other than free entry to the Powerhouse, treat yourself to a bevy of goodies including Baileys delights as well as five complimentary drinks.

Terms and conditions:
Every Wednesday, free entry and five drink coupons for ladies only. UOB Cardmembers must flash their UOB Cards to get free entry before 11pm. Baileys goodies are for the ladies only.

uob cards latest promotion... we visit and see see?? ... since i have not been to st james yet... => hahahaha...

i heart gary cao ge

Listening to his songs while cracking my head and trying to come up with impressive annual report for the department, i can still feel his lyrics and emotions through his soothing voice and catchy tunes.

Imagine him singing a tune to you before going to bed... everybody now:

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...

~emi

phobia

While showering yesterday night (If u conjured up an image of me showering, stay away from me! If not, read on), I was disturbed by my deep-rooted fear of raffles place/cbd area. You may find it funny but I'd still like to write about it, hopefully to overcome it one day.

When i was a little girl, i've always wanted to wear power suits, carry leather briefcases and sashay in high heels. However, during JC, i've come to realize that my future career will be chemistry related and there is no way i am working in town.

Before uni, i went to work in a pharmaceutical giant in jurong industrial area. The area is filled with buildings that are no taller than 5 storeys and they are massive in breath rather than in height. Of course, not counting the distillator columns, cooling towers, etc.

After uni, i am still stuck in industrial areas, mostly in the west. Fine with me until...

Most of my friends work in Orchard, Raffles Place, City Hall. When i visit them or meet them in that area, i start to panic. The place is so overwhelming, crowded, fast and plain scary. So whenever i need to go to a certain place for interview or something, i'd thoroughly research the route to the destination beforehand. Taking shortcuts is a no-no because i'll get lost. Or i'd try my best to retrace the route my friends took the last time.

Recent events brought this phobia back to attention. I couldn't find California Fitness and i forgot to research. I don't have an ego problem so i took to asking security guards. After a turn, the security guard was out of sight to point me in the right direction and i was panicky again. Thing is, one cannot show panic at all times. Hey, i am an educated singaporean lady, not some village country bumpkin. But luckily, a knight in sports attire, ang moh no less, came to my 'rescue' in the end. We made it to gym.

Haiz. I nearly cried after finishing this very long thought. Self pity? Fear? PMS?

So there goes. Hopefully, i will be able to sashay in my pumps and walk confidently in the labyrinth of Raffles Place in the near future.

~emi