Some of these are a repeat but i am posting my whole journal of my accident on here.
11-19-05
Accident happened.
My roommates and I were planning going on a hike behind hau’ula.
it was about dusk. it was getting dark so we were in a hurry. Anna
was on the back of the scooter with me. and we started up this paved
road and all of a sudden we hit some mud and the Anna flew off and got
right back up. She is super women. me on the other hand. i haven't
walked since that dreadful night. I was somehow throw under the
scooter and my knee hyper extended and broke/ so I drug myself from
being mangled up from under and around the scooter. i put my
dislocated knee back in place(gross, I know I was there)and held my
knee in place as Anna called the ambulance. We weren't suppose to be
on our scooters past this gate that we went around and the ambulance
couldn't get passed the gate anyway so I Jessica and Lacey picked me
up and put me on Jesse's scoot and we slowly went to the gate were the
ambulance came to get me. They took me to Kahuku and if i was
anywhere close to death I would Have died that night in that hospital.
I have no faith in that hospital. I was there for 5 hours. it took
them 4 hours to clean the mud off my face and my leg. my face was all
scraped up but it is healed now so don't worry I am beautiful again.
Kahuku was about to send me home with a brace on my leg and then Chas
was like " Hey Doctor, her leg isn't straight. Something isn't right.
So then the doctor called a doctor in town and sent me to kaiser. and
I was in that hospital for about 3 days while they did test on me and
stuff. My knee was the size of a watermelon. Well come to find out
I broke the top of my tibia and tore 3 of the 4 ligaments in my knee.
I had to wait a 10 days to have surgery for the swelling to go down.
On Wed I had my first surgery on the bone. They screwed a cadaver
bone onto my broken bone and reconnected one of the ligaments. I
have to wait for the bone to get fixed before I can get the other
ligaments fixed. Surgery went fine except for the shot they gave me
to numb my leg for a few hours didn't work so I woke up in
excruciating pain. I am very thankful for morphine.love the stuff. and
i have a firm testimony of it. they gave me mine own little special
button that i could push when i needed it. I was in the hospital for
4 days and have since been at home recovering. I can't put on
pressure on my leg and I walk around with crutches but i can't go to
far yet. I've watched a lot of movies and stuff.
I've been doing a lot of thinking since it happened. Alot of thinking
Why is this happening? Why me? I have such a great life right
now, a great class that I love to teach, I'm having fun in life. I
don't need to be depressed and in bed all day. but I had a
blessing the night before I went into surgery and it said that
Heavenly Father was aware of my confusion and he knew that I had a lot
of questions but this is a road that i have to go down and something
good will come out of it. I have no clue what that will be but just
the fact that the blessing said that I needed to go down this road and
there was no other way boosted my testimony that Heavenly Father loves
me,. and that is what the gospel is really about. (Feeling the love
from Heavenly Father) This is a hard road but I am going to make it.
I have felt a lot of love from others from prayers. Prayers feel good.
Chas gave me a blessing at Kahuku Hospital and basically said that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and that the doctors will be able to find out what is wrong with my leg.
11-20-05
Chas slept in the car last night. He is such a champion of a friend. He stayed with me all morning until Bashor came and Chas went to church with him then he went home. I feel really tired. I waited until 10 to call my mom. It was 7 at home and I didn’t want to wake them plus I wanted to know what the doctors were going to say before I told my family anything. I was scared to tell them that it was my scooter that I crashed on. I lied to mom and told her it was Chas’s. I thought they would be mad at me for buying one because of Angie’s accident. I couldn’t stop crying while I was talking to mom. I talked to Tyson too and I couldn’t stop the tears. I feel like I need him right now. They are trying to figure out who is going to come stay with me or get me or what I should do. I called Mrs. Voorhies to tell her that I couldn’t come to work and I couldn’t stop crying. She was very comforting. She said not to worry about my class and she would take care of everything. I feel really blessed to have her as a principal.
11-21-05
Doctors keep coming in and out. I feel like they don’t really know what is going on. Or they know what is going on and they don’t want to tell me. One doctor said he was going to have another doctor help him with the surgery because it is intense. The girls came to see me today, Lacey, Anna, and Jessica. They washed my hair. Jessica read the Chronicles of Narnia to me. I’m thankful that Anna is ok. I couldn’t bear hurting her. I had a small surgery today to see if my circulation in my leg was ok. They knocked me out and put something in my blood to trace it going through my legs. It looked fine.
Mom got here at night time. I was so happy to see her. Even moms can make broken legs feel better. She stayed the night with me in my bed. A doctor came in in the morning and said how cute. I wish I had my camera.
11-22 to 11-29
Dr. Tamborlane became my official doctor. He is young, maybe early 30’s. He doesn’t really explain things very well so I’m trying to just trust that he is a doctor and he will make my leg back to normal. I had to come home because my leg was so swollen they can’t do surgery yet. Plus it is Thanksgiving weekend and the Dr. didn’t schedule the operating room until the 30th.
This was a hard week for me emotionally. I have a lot of feelings of frustration. I want to goto work. My job is my only purpose and sanity here in Hawaii and that is what was taken away from me. I keep telling people that I think I can go back to work in Feb. I keep wondering why I have to go through this. I feel like I don’t need this trial. I don’t want to go through with it. I feel like I have enough trials of being 27 and single and I can’t get a guy to fall in love with me. My mom should be helping me with babies not helping me shower.
Chris gave me a blessing on the 29th. The night before the surgery. He said heavenly Father knows my pain. This is a road that I have to go down. Hearing those words made me accept the trial more. I have to look for things that Heavenly Father can teach me through this. I have to look for a positive outcome.
One night I was feeling depressed. I know Satan wants me to be depressed and wants to turn me against heavenly father for giving me this trial. I was reading in the Book of Mormon and thinking about the atonement. I was thinking that I don’t have serious sins that I need to repent for. I have been a good girl my whole life. Why can’t I receive my blessings that I want. I read about Jesus making burdens light. I realized that that is what I needed to pray for. I asked Heavenly Father to take away my feelings of depression and take the burden of pain off of me. The next morning I felt tons better. I view the atonement in a whole new light. It isn’t just for repentance it is for everything we are feeling. A lot of my feelings of bitterness towards others was gone. I felt happier. Not really happy to be in my place but more accepting to having people take care of me. It’s hard to have other take care of me. I want to be independent but I can’t. I can barely go to the bathroom on my own.
11-24-05
Thanksgiving. All my friends are having a great day. But not me. I feel very disconnected with them. Mrs. Voorhies invited us to dinner. Her family is so nice.
11-30-05
Surgery #1 I was in surgery for 5 hours and 2 hour in recovery. PAIN!! The doctors gave a shot in my nerve that was suppose to numb my leg for the next 24 hours but it didn’t work. I kept asking for pain medication but they wouldn’t give me any. They thought that I didn’t need any. But they were wrong, I was in a lot of pain. I slept a little in the night but mostly I cried for more morphine. The nurse came in and gave a pill but nothing changed so I kept calling her to give me morphine and she said she couldn’t. I bawled for about a half hour before they believed me that I was in pain and they gave me morphine. This is what they did to me. I have a tibia plateau break so they screwed a cadaver bone in the top of my tibia. I tore my MCL so they stitched it up in a few places and reattached it. I have a scab from road rash right where they needed to cut so they had to cut around my scab. I also tore my ACL and PCL but they can’t fix them until my bone heals completely.
11-31-05
Finally Dr. Tamborline came in and asked how I was. I told him how much pain I was in am that the nurses wouldn’t give me anything for it. So he gave me a button to push when I was in pain. That’s when they realized my shot to my leg really didn’t work. Mom was mad that I was in pain. I have to pee in the bed pan. I can’t get up to go the bathroom. Physical therapy came in and tried to get m to stand up but I was so dizzy that I couldn’t walk anywhere.
12-1-05
I haven’t really slept at all since I’ve been here. I’m in a lot of pain at night and when I try to sleep during the day the nurse wakes me up and asks me if I’m sleeping. They are monitoring my breathing and my heart rate and when I sleep it goes really low so they are worried about me. But I really need to sleep. I listened to frankestein on Chas’s ipod all last night. It is like 8 hours long. The nurse came in when I have 5 mins lift and then the ipod died so I never go to hear the end of it. Bashor came in and watched Indiana Jones with me. He hates hospitals so it is really nice of him to come see me. I hate hospitals too. The most embarrassing moment of my life happened while I was sitting on a bed pan covered up by a sheet and Bashor walked in.
12-2-05
Physical therapy came in today and I was able to walk to the door with my crutches. almost before I had to turn around because I was so weak and dizzy. It is so amazing how my body just can’t function all of a sudden. Mentally I feel like I am coming to. I’m glad my mom is here. She makes me feel loved. There are a few people that have been really nice to me. One was an health aide named Joy. I had one Philapino Rn that obviously didn’t know what she was doing. My IV started beeping because there was an air bubble in it and she just staring pushing all the buttons. I had no clue what she was saying to me because I couldn’t understand her. I feel like a few nurses had forgotten that I even existed. They would bring me my bed pan and just leave me on it for at least 10 mins too long until I would move it myself. It is very humiliating to sit in your own pee. I feel very bad for the old people that are ignored in nursing homes.
12-3-05
I came home today.
12-7-05
Dr. apt.
I went into Wal Mart and rode in the motorized wheel chair. I’ve never hated my time in Wal Mart more. Nobody could see me and I was in everyone’s way at the same time.
We watched Harry potter. I like it a lot. It was good to get my mind off of everything,
Feeling like I need to get away from my mom but not having anyone to take care of me.
Feeling abandoned my friends. Finding out who really cares for me.
12-15-05
Christmas program. Mrs. Voorhies was explaining to me how we feel disconnected when we are away from school and everyone for a few weeks. She has been a good principal. I saw Neha Tupola and couldn’t stop crying. I am still very emotional to the point where I can’t control it.
12-22-05
Dr. apt
Flew home.
12-25-05
I used to like Christmas.
12-27-05
Started Physical therapy
12-30-05
Knee could bend 30 .
Ty’s dog kept me up all night.
12-31-06
NewYear’s with everyone was a blessing. Stacy and Jamon Rivera, Tiffany and Joe, Ty and Sab.
1-6-06
Knee bent 45 degrees. It is stuck at 45. Aly came into my room this morning and stepped right on my knee. It hurt a little. I asked her why she did it and she said,” Hailey, you can get up and walk now. You don’t need your crutches anymore. I know your faking it.” I had to convince her that I wasn’t faking it and I really couldn’t walk.
1-13-06
Adam pushed it to 65. Drove to blackfoot
1-19-06
Drove to SLC
1-25-06
Flew back to Hawaii.
1-27-06
Went back to work for the first time.
1-31-06
Dr. Tamborline=bad news. Always. That doctors outs me thru more emotional trauma than anyone. He told me today that I have to have another surgery before my ACL surgery. This new one is to get my leg to bend. Right now it will bend about 80 degrees. It is so stiff inside my knee. It is stiff where I didn’t even hurt my leg. Right above my knee cap to the left side. He is going to use the same scope holes and get some scar tissue out and bend my knee as much as he can. I had to fight back the tears all day while I was in the hospital. I am going to have the surgery on the 8th. In 1 week. Right before I was going into his office I was thinking how bad I didn’t want to have the next surgery and then he tells me that I have to have 2 more. I hate having surgery. I don’t like being knocked out. I absolutely 100% do not want to go thru with this. But I have to and I will so my knee will get better.
This trial of mine is more mental than physical. I swear the minute I have a thought about something that I don’t want to happen to me , it happens to me. I don’t want to do this and I don’t want to be alone while I am doing it. That is the hardest part. Not having a family member here. I need heavenly father to sand me someone to take of me. I think that is only fair. I don’t know if I have the strength to do this alone. Why is this trail taking so long? Why does my healing time have to be prolonged every time I goto my doctor? Have I not learned what I am suppose to?
I’m too proud to ask for things sometimes. I feel like a burden on everyone around me. I don’t want to feel that way.
Things I have learned from this trial:
Patience
I feel that since I have lived in Hawaii I have been more selfish. All I care about is having fun. I’ve lost many friends on the mainland due to lack of caring. I realized that I haven’t been happy here. I haven’t absolutely been myself. One night at home in Blackfoot, I was saying my prayers and I actually felt something change inside of me and I felt like I had become myself again.
Family Love is thicker than anything. I will do anything for any member of my family.
My dad isn’t so bad. He is slowly changing into a better person.
Kindness towards others that are in need. Give to people and help even if they don’t’ ask for it.
Self-sacrifice my mom said that she would have paid 2000 to come and take care of me. She missed her class for a month. She slept on my floor and lived with my 8 roommates. She didn’t have to and she was probably going insane. But she was there for me every time I needed to cry. She had a lot of experience with Angie when she had her accident so she knew what I was going to be like and how to treat me. I hope that I can be half as good of a mom that she is someday. And half as good as my Grandma Dotson. She calls every once in awhile to see how I am doing? And she keeps send me 20 dollars to help out. They really makes me feel loved.
2/5/06
I can’t do this. I have been reading my scriptures today and praying for strength for me to be able to go through with this surgery by myself. Angie isn’t coming to help me. Mom can’t come. I went to church and cried during everyone’s testimonies. I wanted to bear mine during relief society but I knew I would cry too much. I wanted to tell everyone how weak I was. How I can’t handle this all on my own. I’m sick of asking for help from people. I am sick of being pitied. Everyone around me is so nice and willing to help but I don’t know how to ask for it. I don’t know why but I don’t want to wake up from surgery and have no one there for me. I need someone there for support. I need someone that I know loves me. I really want Tyson to be there. I called him today and told him that I would call him when I came to on wed night. I feel like I don’t have the strength to do this. I called my mom and couldn’t stop crying. I guess that is what she is there for.
Church was really good for me today. The lesson in Relief Society was on feeling Heavenly Father’s love. I know he loves me. I just need him to give me strength right now. I keep trying to reach deep down inside of me and it just isn’t there. I’m not depressed at all. I just feel like I am about to face a huge trial again and my mom won’t be here this time and I am going to have to struggle to do anything. Eat. Sleep. Go to the bathroom. Everything is a struggle after surgery. I don’t want to have to go through that all again two more times. There isn’t going to anything left of me when I get done with this trial.
We talked about charity and I thought how my mom has lots of charity for coming to take care of me and to leave her life behind to come here to do everything for me. We also talked about Noah’s Arc and how we all have a personal arc in our lives that helps us get through trials. I’m searching for that arc today. I guess mine is reading my scriptures. Reading the book of mormon gives me hope and strength. My testimony is also my arc. I know that I have to go through this trial. I know that heavenly father is going to help me and that he won’t put me thru anything that I can’t handle. So that is my strength. I just need to use that right now.
2/8/06
Nate and Clark gave me a blessing before we went to the hospital. It gave me more strength. Nate said that heavenly Father is mindful of my fears. He also blessed me that I would continue to be happy and not let this get me down. I had my surgery today at 4pm. Nate took me to the hospital. I was very nervous the whole way there. He didn’t want to stay and wait so Teanna came later so I wouldn’t wake up alone. That was my biggest fear. I feel better than I did on Sunday. I have more inner strength. I called Ty when I got to my hospital room. He makes me feel better. I remember Dr. Tamborlane coming in the recovery room and he bent my leg all the way. He was so excited. He was saying look Hailey I got it to bend all the way. They gave me an epideral to block my pain. First they couldn’t get my IV in my hand. They can never find a vein. I am going to ask an anesthesiologist to do it every time. I am sick of having nurses try and then getting the anesthesiologist to do it. Then they took me into the operation room and they couldn’t get my epideral in as smoothly as they wanted. A big Polynesian male nurse was standing in-front of me and he let me hug his arm. He was kinda like a teddy bear. He made me feel better.
2/10/06
The worst part of this operation was getting my epideral out. It hurt so bad. They left it in for two days to pump the morphine in avery hour. There is some discrepancy on whether the epideral worked or not. Yesterday the dr. came into my room and bend my leg all the way thinking I couldn’t feel anything still but it hurt pretty bad and I could feel my toes and move my legs normal. Tamborlane thinks it wasn’t working but the anesitsoligist said it just controls the pain. It doesn’t make everything numb like tamb thought. Teanna brought me home. She has been really good to me.
2/13/06
I went to physical therapy for the first time today. They were really nice. Tamb wants me to go 6 days a week and I have been hooked up to the CPM machine 6 hours a day at home. The pt gave me exercises to do 3 times a day. I bent my knee 115 degrees today. I want it to get back at full flexion but I don’t know if that is possible. I am very frustrated with my knee and my own body. I wish I could control it in this way. It stiffens up so fast. I was scared to go to pt today because I thought it was going to be more like a torture chamber but it wasn’t that bad. I just need to stretch out my knee on my own. It really is up to me whether or not I recover fully from this. Actually it is more up to the unknown power that is controlling my knee.
2/14/06
My knee only bent 105 degrees today. It was so tight all night long. I kept waking up and outing it on the machine because it was so stiff. I didn’t take the oxycotine last night because I think I am allergic to it. I keep itching when i take it. Plus I just don’t like the way it makes me feel. The therapist pushed my leg back until it reached 115. it is so frustrating that I don’t have control over my own knee. It is swollen really bad. When I went to tamb today he drew a lot of blood and fluid out of it with a syringe. I bet he got a cup of sick stuff out of my knee. It felt tuns better. A lot of pressure was relieved. He gave me an antibiotic to start taking. Also they took out my stitches and put bacitration on my little blisters that are all over my knee. They think I am having a reaction to something. I took a pain pill around 6 p.m. and by 9 p.m. I was itching. I had a fever. I was extremely tired. I am going to go with my internal instinct on this one and stop taking that pill. Tonight I cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t take the pain. I need someone to support me. I just wanted to be held by anyone. I just don’t have anyone right now.
2/15/06
I don’t have any appointments today. I can just relax and do my exercises. Angie called me trying to help me feel better but when my family calls, I know that they are trying to support me and show love for me but I also feel like they are rubbing it in my face that I have no one taking care of me and that I have tons of problems that this is going to be a big financial burden on me. I am trying to pay for all of this myself. Plus I have the down payment on the house I bought in Utah to worry about. The district didn’t approve my application to get shared sick days. So I’m not getting paid for the days that I am not working anymore. I’m not surprised it didn’t go through. How could a good thing happen to me?
2/19/06
I have officially hit rock bottom. I thought I hit it months ago but I guess I was wrong. Don’t believe people when they say things are going to get better. They don’t. Nothing has gotten better. My friends still don’t come around. I have no one to cry to and help me to support me. The incisions on my leg were infected so they gave me an antibiotic to take. I started taking them on Tuesday. I had small hives on Friday. I took some benadryl to make them go away and I stopped taking everything. I absolutely hate drugs. All of them. I could never be a drug addict. I like natural things. Anyway on sat. I called the clinic in Kahuku and they gave me some different antibiotics. I don’t know what I was allergic to but it just hindered my progress and brought me down more. I have one incision that is still bleeding a little. A few drops every few hours. I have done my exercises faithfully 3 times a day. I have been hooked up to the CPM machine at least 4-6 hours a day. And my leg still is at 115 degrees. I have seen no progress in my rehabilitation. It is so frustrating. I don’t sleep very well at night. My leg stiffens up and I have to move it maybe 4 or 5 times a night. I have sleeping pills but I don’t want to take them because I want my body to sleep on its own. I can’t even have a conversation about my lag without crying. People asks me how I am doing and I want to say that I am not doing good at all but I just say ok and go away fast because I don’t want to cry in front of them.
I went to church today and I paid my tithing. I am trying to show my faith. I need the blessing to start coming. I can’t go through surgery alone again. I’ve cried myself to sleep the last 4 nights. A lot of pain from my leg and a lot of loneliness. I read an article that said the Lord will have us suffer to have us become more like him. I guess that is what I am learning. We pass through the refiners fire and the insignificant and unimportant things in life melt away to make our faith bright and strong. It seems cruel and hard but in this soul becomes like soft clay that the Lord can mold. Maybe this is a trial of my faith. I know I am going through this so the Lord can teach me something. I just need to figure out what I am suppose to learn. I have to suffer so I can become like him. I need to keep that in mind when I am feeling depressed. The blessings of eternity will come to those who endure the refining process.
2/26/06
What a good week it has been. I talked to my Grandma Dotson on Monday night for about 45 mins. She made me feel a lot better. She said to pray when I am down. she is such a great example to everyone. She is almost 90 and she tries to be happy all the time. She is always in pain from her back. I don’t have any reason to complain if she isn’t complaining. She said just to be thankful for what I have instead of what I don’t have. She just wants to serve people even though she can’t really even take care of herself. She is so thankful for my grandpa. She told me how he makes her breakfast every morning and how she didn’t know what she would do without him. I think the both of them would die without the other one. I could only be so lucky to find a love like that.
I was also given clearance to walk again. But I have no confidence to do it on my own without my crutches. I can bear weight on m leg though. I feel like my mind is back to normal. It takes my mind about two weeks to get back to normal after surgery. I went to the doctor in Kahuku on Fri. to see what the blisters on redness was on my knee. It is a type of dermatitis. I started using a topical cream that Teanna gave me. It is starting to go away. I saw Tamborlane on Tursday. He was very proud of my knee bending. It is good to get some praise from him. I am finally past the stage where I don’t cry after talking to him. We set my next surgery for March 30. In physical therapy, my degrees of bending were Tues. 120. Thurs. 125. and Fri. 130. I’ve been rubbing my leg with dry soap and sleeping with it next to my leg and I think it is helping to relax my muscle. Plus my leg doesn’t get so stiff at night. I’m really happy at the progress it is making. Chas is visiting for a week. I’ve been taking sleeping pills so I can sleep with his snoring. That boy can rock the house. I’ve really missed him in my life. This is the first time that I have been in Hawaii without him since right after I moved here. I’m sure my happy mood this week has something to do with Chas being here this week.
2/27/06
I went back to work today. I was exhausted when I was done. Then I went to physical therapy. I started to go to waipio clinic. They aren’t as nice and joking as Ed and Derek. I think I am going to miss them. Teanna and I went to town to meet chas afterwards but he was taking too long and I couldn’t take it so we came back home and I went to bed. My stamina isn’t what it used to be. Gavin measured my knee at 120 degrees but I think he was lying. I think it bent more.
2/29/06
At therapy my knee bent almost to 130. They want me to bend it every hour and exercise it all the time. But I’m not allowed to walk without my crutches yet. They make it sound like I am going to be on my crutches forever.
3/17/06
I left the house today without my crutches. I can walk without them now. My quad muscle is getting stronger.
3/20/06
I had an apt. with Tamborlane today. We planned my surgery on May 17th. My knee can almost bend all the way. My foot is about 2 inches from my butt. YEAH!!
4/26/06
The temple is amazing. I went for the first time since my accident. While I was in the celestial room, I felt so much peace. I could actually feel the depression and loneliness and all the feeling that I have been struggling with since I had my accident were gone. I was reassured that this was some path that was chosen for me to go down. I felt loved and comforted that everything is going to be ok. I’m not going to be the same person. But that is ok because I am going to be a better person.
I tried to pray about other stuff like moving away or going home for the summer but I could only focus on the trial at hand. My knee has to be my first priority. I’ll be able to think or pray about that at a later time for that moment in the temple, I just wanted to feel at peace. I wanted to soak in the love. I know that I am going to need a lot of help from Heavenly Father to get through this next surgery and I need to focus on that and not moving or stressing my life out in different ways.
Also in the temple, I realized or thought about how women are a gift that God gave to men. That is what I am and that is the way I should be treated.
Yesterday while my car was parked at school, my tire blew up. It was such a big blow that the car alarm of the car next to mine went off. I am so grateful that I wasn’t driving when it happened. The day before I was on the H3 going to therapy. If that would have happened then, I would have died. I honestly value my life more than ever right now. I had a near death experience that I didn’t really have to live through. The day before when I was on the H3, I was thinking if my tire blew right now, I would flip off the edge and fall to my death. I was thinking that because my tires were wobbly. Something didn’t seem right.
I can bend my knee all the way now. It takes a few minutes of stretching. I started to walk upstairs but I can’t walk down stairs yet. I started to go to therapy with Derek and Ed again about a month ago. They know me so much better. They are so good to me. Ed pushes me to work harder and he explains things. I get annoyed with him sometimes but I know it is for my benefit.
5/17/06
I went to the temple last night in preparation for my surgery today. Chris and Olivert gave me a blessing. The thing I remember most about what chris said was that I needed to use my down time wisely to get things done and not to waste my time. He also said the Heavenly Father loves me and knows my feelings. I’ve been really anxious, nervous, and scared.. Everything but peaceful. I don’t think anything is going to go wrong during surgery but I just don’t want to go through the after effects. Such as the depression, the incapacitation , and the loneliness. Breanne took me to the hospital at 11 am. Before I went into surgery I talked to Ty and mom and dad and Angie. This time talking to them before surgery wasn’t as emotional as the last times. It was more like, you’ll be fine, talk to you in a few hours. Dr. Tampborlane was going to fix my ACL and y PCL. He said he got in there and my PCL was still attached so he stitched it up a little. Then he did an allograph to repair my ACL. He attached a cadaver ligament in my knee. He said everything went well and I could go home that day. They attached a catheter into my knee that was pumping litacane into my knee for pain every two hours. So about 7pm Breanne took me home.
5/19/06
Tyson came today. Best brother in the world, hands down. I’m so happy to see him. Teanna came over to day to take my catheter out. I haven’t really felt that much pain for this surgery. I feel like I am really being blessed with the strength that I needed to get through this. I don’t feel the depression coming on like before.
5/20/06
I feel so happy today and I feel like I shouldn’t be happy but I am. I don’t know if it is because Ty is here or if it is because I am all finished with my surgeries and I lived through them all. I have a good friend and family support system.
5/30/06
Ty went home today. He was ready to get back to his family. He was such a great brother to me this past week. I took him a few places so he would enjoy his trip to Hawaii and want to come back again. I think it worked. On the way to the airport he said, I like it here Hay, I didn’t think I would like it as much as I did. He woke up every morning and read on the beach. He slept on the little couch in the living room which made his back hurt. I am so happy he came. It had been a long time since we were able to hang out and talk about life and be best friends like we used to. It was really nice. I realized that he is the only person in the world that I would never get in a fight with. I don’t think we have ever fought. We have a total love and respect for each other. He is such a good example to me. I took him to shark’s cove to go snorkeling. I felt bad because I couldn’t even go down to the water to teach him how to get in. I wish I could had done all this fun stuff with him. We tried to go someone everyday. Which was pretty good for me considering my energy level was pretty low. My apartment was really small and I think we would go crazy in my little room together just watching tv. Somedays we watched a lot of tv together but Ty is the funniest person to watch tv with. I love him a lot.
6/4/06
Mom came today. I had to drive to pick her up myself. I couldn’t find anyone to come with me. I asked a few people but all were busy. I started to cry because I felt so alone. I don’t think people understand that when I ask for help. I really need help. I don’t ask if I don’t need it. But I am glad that Mom is coming to take care of me. She does a really good job. She is the perfect example of a mom.
At therapy my leg is bending about 120. They don’t let me push myself very hard. My knee is swollen and they don’t want to injure the ACL that was attached. I have to take it easy for 8 weeks. It is hard for me to take it easy when all I want to do is get better.
6/15/06
I moved to the North Shore this week. I live across from Velzyland. We call it Vland for short. I live with 2 other girls in a really cute house that is right across from the beach, I am going to miss Sophie and Terra and living right on the beach. I don’t know if I can sleep with out listening to the ocean. My mom has been moving me like crazy. It has been hard. I’m not walking with my crutches anymore. I can walk with just my brace but I am pretty slow.
6/20/06
Mom left tonight. She was so nervous about getting her bags in line that she forgot to say goodbye to me.
7/20/06
I went on my first little hike tonight. I took Nikki and her friends to the He’ou above Waimea. I was feeling really strong. I’ve been really good at doing my PT because I know school is starting and I won’t have time or energy to do it later. Nikki has been massaging my leg. It feels so good. She thinks I should have a massage at-least once a week. My leg is so tight in so many places. My back is all out of alignment because I compensate so much on my right side when I walk.
I really feel Like Pualei and I were meant to be friends this summer. Her girls are with their dad and I am practically handicap. I like her because she has that motherly feel. She really understands my need right now. She listens to me and really feels how sensitive how I have been, We really haven’t been all that social all summer. Which is a change for me in my life. I have been social and always wanting to be out wherever the party is. But I have been so content with Pualei watching Buffy and Angel and going to movies all summer.
I’ve been giving myself rewards if I do all my therapy for the week. Usually I get to buy some new clothes because most of my clothes don’t fit me anymore because I’ve gained weight. I don’t know how much I’ve gained but I know I am heavier than I have ever been. I am so frustrated because I can’t go exercise. I want to but I can’t . I have been trying to sit ups and stuff but it rally hasn’t been working.
7/21/06
I went to the temple with Nikki and Utah. It was nice and peaceful. I’m always amazed at how peaceful I feel in the temple. I feel Like I passed this trial. I am so ready for it to be over with.
7/25/06
I officially started work today. I am officially not ready for the school year to begin. I had Nikki’s friends come in to my class and move everything around where I needed it. Pualei came in and helped a lot too. I am so thankful for them. Without any help I would be so stressed and over my head. It would be impossible to get anything done. I have all this stuff to do but I can’t physically do it.
8/1/06
I have been working everyday from 7 to 7 at night. I am so exhausted. I have so much to do. The kids came to school yesterday. My leg is killing me from walking on it so much. I haven’t been standing and walking so much since my accident. But again I am frustrated because I have to be up and on my feet for the first few weeks of school or else my class will be awful the rest of the year. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and I have been slacking on my exercising. For once my leg isn’t the first priority in my life. In a way that feels good to have something else to worry about but I don’t want to neglect it because it is so important to me.
8/2/06
I stopped wearing my brace today. It has been giving me blisters so I took it off while I was at school. Ed said that maybe it is a blessing in disguise. I need to learn how to walk better and with more confidence without my brace.
8/9/06
I went to see Dr. Tamborlane today. It was a fast appointment. He just looked at my leg and did his moving it all around. The only time my knee hurts is when he moves it all around. I told him that I never wear my brace so he told me that it was more for security than for support. I don’t want to wear it anymore. When I start doing sports and running then I will wear a brace. I went swimming at the BYU pool this afternoon. I am going to try to start swimming everyday. I feel like my leg is stagnant, not getting better, not getting worse. I’m sure it is getting better and I feel my muscles getting a little stronger but it is so slow and subtle that I’m not noticing it in such a big way like at first.
8/17/06
It has been 3 months since my last surgery. I feel as if I have progressed further than any other surgery. I feel stronger than when I was waiting for my surgery in May. My break in-between surgeries from Feb. to May was 3 months and week. I feel a lot stronger than I did then.
9/12/06
I snorkeled at Turtle Bay for 10 mins.
9/13/06
I rode a bike today.
9/28/06
Started jogging. felt like an idiot because I don’t know how to run anymore. It isn’t like my leg doesn’t get physically tired but it really just doesn’t know how to move that way. It is the most frustrating feeling to not have control of your own body. I had to put my brace on to jog. I was scared to do it without it.
Short-lived Laie scooter gang left its tire mark
Written by Nathan William Bliss ~ Staff Writer
Tuesday, 10 October 2006
They wore dark sunglasses, denied the existence of helmets and polluted the night silence with a thunder that would quiet a lion.
The story of the late Black Rebel Scooter Society (BRSS)-Laie Branch is a difficult one to tell, as it resides mostly in the hearts of its members.
This notorious scooter gang was composed of rambunctious, unbridled youth who had turned to raw gas-powered vehicles as an outlet to their inner angst and uncertainty about life. They expressed themselves through their scooters, ripping around corners, rarely giving less than full throttle.
“We thought the scooter gang was the end of the road but it was really just a kick start to bigger and better things,” commented gang founder and leader Chas Clawson, BYU-Hawaii alumnus.
The BRSS was brought together by Clawson in September of 2005, and initially included only a few of his close friends.
The gang quickly grew in size as it branched out to other local miscreants searching for an outlet. Still, not just anyone could join.
The BRSS met its speedy demise by the end of December that same year, epitomizing the gang’s attitude that “a life lived hard and short is better than a life lived soft and long.”
Though there is no particular event that can be attributed to the disbanding of the BRSS, the scooter accident of valued member Haley Price certainly played a crucial role.
Following the accident, in which she severely broke her leg in multiple places, Price swore never to touch a scooter again.
The gang didn’t feel right riding without her. “The figure eight formation stopped the day Haley fell off her scooter,” stated Clawson.
Additional factors such as disabled scooters made the habitual night rides impossible for some. Others say the gang had simply fulfilled its purpose.
Though many of the gang members still reside in Laie, some have moved on to different things.
Gang member Jessica Mortensen turned to religion after the group deteriorated and is now serving a mission in New York.
Chris Krey, also of BRSS fame, has since dedicated his life to service, and is living in Africa, working for the Peace Corps.
Melissa Demetras, one of the gang’s initial members, is living in her home state of California, where she spends most of her time “contemplating metaphysics and [her] own mortality.”
Demetras still feels the spark left from the now defunct BRSS.
“Even though I’m a retired Society member, I still live the good life with the fast crowd, never waking up before 11 and coming home way past curfew,” she commented, with a trace of nostalgia.
Still, the best story may be that of Clawson himself.
Though Clawson once claimed that the scooter was his only love, he now claims that the scooter is what led him to find it.
Despite the fact that his now-wife Lacey was on the bottom rungs of the BRSS hierarchy, her rugged mannerisms and fearless riding style caught his eye.
It wasn’t long before they started going on scooter rides without the rest of the group.
“I thought that the scooter gang was going to be a life filled with danger, but instead I found love,” said Clawson, reminiscing on his younger days. “You can only live a life of danger for so long.”
The Clawsons have settled down and now live a quiet life in a quaint house on Laie point where Clawson said, “Now we get our thrills slicing and dicing as we experiment with new foods.”
With a thoughtful grin he continued, “In some ways family life is more thrilling.”
Lacey Clawson remembers fondly the scooter rides around Laie; the wind in her hair, the deafening hum of the motors encompassing her and the shrill rhythms of horns puncturing the air as the BRSS riders screeched around the little circle, headlights pulsing, indifferent to waiting cars.
In the midst of all this, Lacey felt unstoppable, as if her wheels weren’t even touching the ground.
“There’s nothing like it,” she said, hiding the crack in her voice. “There really is nothing like it.”
10/12/06
I went jogging at therapy. Jogging is hard. The little muscles in my ankle hurt so bad. I have not improved at all really. I didn’t exercise at all while I was at home. I feel like I have gained 20 lbs since my accident. I think I was in the best shape of my life when this happened. Now i am in the worst shape of my life. My legs are different shapes. I feel fat for the first time in my life. I have to watch what I eat and exercise or I gain 5 pounds a day. I don’t even feel like I am in my body anymore. I want my body back. I can’t wait til I can exercise a lot.
This is the power pole that fell down by Kahuku. The smoothie truck was the only place open for service. I was starving and didn't want to pay 7.50 for a small acai bowl so Lindsay and I got a small bag of jerky for lunch. The waves were so big at Sharks Cove. 
